AUSTIN, TX – The Pindlemann Theological Research Institute has shaken the foundations of Christian faith this week with a controversial, yet cogent statement, reaffirming the theory of a small Unorthodox sect that Jesus Christ was not a human, but rather a centaur.
"This is a truly staggering find," noted head research Cliff Manhauser, who presented the institute's findings to a gallery of religious figures Monday. "With the discovery that the Son of God most likely traveled the width and breadth of Caanan on four hoofed legs, we must all reevaluate our perceptions of Christ, and how His followers perceived Him."
The traditional image of Our Lord and Savior, pictured as a white human who spread good faith and caused miracles thousands of years ago in what is now the Middle East, has persevered in nearly all Christian belief systems as an accurate depiction. Manhauser and his colleagues, however, now hold nearly incontrovertible proof, in the form of ancient tablets dating back to approximately 36 C.E., that Jesus was indeed a mythological creature with the body and legs of a horse, and the torso, arms, and head of a human. Previously, only the Ixionites, a minor Christian denomination shunned for their seemingly-abhorrent vision of God as a mythic liminal being, pursued such a belief.
"These tablets finally reaffirm the Ixionites' belief that the sacred charge of humanity bore an equestrian body, and perhaps frolicked in meadows in the Middle East," Manhauser continued.
"This is so fuckin' amazing, man!" said Hubert Landstrom, a high school student and son of Pindlemann researcher Clarence Landstrom. "All my friends were making fun of me and my dad, being all like 'Dude, Jesus is a human, not some crazy-ass horse guy.' But my dad and his associates have proven once and for all that the deity we all worship is totally a horse guy!"
"Man, now that I think about it, it musta really sucked for Jesus to get crucified," Hubert added with a noticeable cringe. "Imagine getting nailed in six limbs instead of four!"
Not all are pleased with the institute's findings, however. Manhauser and his team have drawn considerable backlash from the Vatican, who issued a statement that "God has made us in His image, not that of a centaur. Manhauser's findings are highly suspect and lack substance."
The Messiah, who was last seen galloping off into the sunset in preparation for the deliverance of all Christians unto Heaven, was unavailable for comment.
I am so bored right now. :L Here I am, writing fake news articles about Jesus being a goddamned horseman. I really ought to get a hobby or something...
this makes a more sense wrt to being born in a stable, also suggests mary's virginity is a matter of definition, perhaps he was also conceived in a stable.
The Orthodox Church got it all right! That's why they have a cross with 3 cross-sections instead of just 1 - they always knew the truth! And the Illuminati are brewing war in Ukraine, because the two countries involved are Orthodox staples (stables?). The point of the political crisis is to hide the truth about Jesus Centaur.
On March 15 2014 22:16 -Celestial- wrote: I honestly thought this was going to be a DOTA2 blog about Centaur Warrunner (and perhaps something to do with Aegis of the Immortal). X-D
"Our Lord and Savior's huge heart can now be explained in physical terms, as an average horse's heart weighs over ten times that of an average human," Manhauser added.
On March 15 2014 16:43 figq wrote: The Orthodox Church got it all right! That's why they have a cross with 3 cross-sections instead of just 1 - they always knew the truth! And the Illuminati are brewing war in Ukraine, because the two countries involved are Orthodox staples (stables?). The point of the political crisis is to hide the truth about Jesus Centaur.
Best picture I've ever seen. Reminds me of this one.
On March 19 2014 02:06 Archas wrote: I'm not, though I lived there for several months. I chose it as an arbitrary location in Texas, a primarily Christian state, for the story.
Excellent. I knew he couldn't be human. I always thought he was a Lilly-pad, though. 5 stars. It might not be Onion gold, but at the very least, it's Onion silver. They're not always funny, those fuckers.
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