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"Honey, promise me you'll cut back on the games. I hear you in there every night clicking away on your computer."
"Alright Mom."
"Promise? You really need to ease up a little. People can get addicted."
"Yup, I promise."
Ever had that conversation? I'm having it more and more these days at the behest of my parents. Its getting really, really frustrating. Mostly because I don't know what to say.
Like most of you I've been gaming since I was little. By high school I was in one of those WoW raiding guilds that went five nights a week. In college I discovered Starcraft and played all the time. These days I mostly play LoL, a lot.
I remember having the first of such conversations with my parents at age sixteen. Mom and Dad were pissed that I had completely forgotten to attend a practice SAT exam at the high school. This was a big deal, since I was months into tutoring and the practice exam was an extremely important metric for my progress. They blamed my constant computer gaming. Granted, it never got to the point where they turned off my internet, but ever since the question of my gaming time became a routine nag from mom.
Now I'm twenty three years old, two years out of college, and living with my dad. I'm getting my MA in History. But I want to teach at a university -- that requires a PhD. Last year and the year before I was rejected from all the PhD programs I applied to. However, I'm pretty happy in this new MA program, and I've just landed a part-time job that is relevant to my career interests. Maybe, I thought, there are other things out there I could see myself doing besides teaching at a university. So this year I decided not to re-apply to PhD programs.
My Dad was really, really pissed.
"Son, I can't tell you how disappointed I am with that decision. Aside from night classes twice a week you've just been wasting your life away on that computer. Do you have a problem there son?"
I pause for a gross amount of time, thinking of what to say, "No I don't think I have a problem."
"How many hours a day would you say that you're gaming? Just ballpark..."
I pause again. God I hate this question. Answering honestly might lead him to believe that I have a problem. I really don't think that I have a problem. Sure, I'm passionate about gaming. It's also my primary method of interaction with friends, none of whom live nearby. But part of me knows that I spend a little too much time gaming, so I should try to be truthful with him. I'm going to give the conservative estimate, which includes all the time I spend playing and watching streams."
"I don't know, maybe four hours a day. Its too much I know."
I want to verbally lash out at him, but that's not my style. I love my parents. I've never fought with either of them. And in times of tension such as this, I prefer to agree with them so that I can end the horribly awkward conversation as fast as possible.
But I know the true amount of time I spend gaming, and its a little more worrisome than four hours a day. Sometimes I wonder if I do have a problem. If so, I wouldn't know where to start.
Thanks for reading.
 
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It's all about maintaining a balance between working hard and relaxation. You need to evaluate whether or not your gaming is hindering your progress in other aspects of your life.
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Sounds like you do have a problem.
If you don't have any problem with compulsive gaming, then stop for a year. Stop cold turkey playing games for an entire year. If you can't, or won't, then there's a strong chance that you're a compulsive gamer.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9DBFBD4160A9EAA2 you may find these three videos useful.
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I did poorly at university due to being addicted to Brood War. I didn't have my parents to tell me I shouldn't spend that much time on the computer.
What you did not make clear in your blog is why you decided not to re-apply for a PhD. Ok you got yourself a part-time job, but you could do both? It kind of sounds like you're afraid that you won't be able to play games if you keep your part-time job and work on your PhD.
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On January 10 2014 11:35 Birdie wrote:Sounds like you do have a problem. If you don't have any problem with compulsive gaming, then stop for a year. Stop cold turkey playing games for an entire year. If you can't, or won't, then there's a strong chance that you're a compulsive gamer. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9DBFBD4160A9EAA2 you may find these three videos useful.
'Quit your hobbies, it'll show you don't need them!'
That doesn't exactly sound productive, I would never quit any of my hobbies for a year to prove a point. Games, sports, reading, anything.
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I'm working on my PhD (in a field very related to history), have a part-time job (related to conservation), and sometimes play games (and write and read and play guitar and socialize and you get the picture) ... you can do all three and more! Just need to balance your time and be on top of your shit!
Your dad probably just doesn't like to see you on the computer all day long. Even if you're being productive, it really gives off an air of being unproductive. Would advise being seen doing other things.
What other hobbies do you have aside from gaming? Maybe re-balance your time towards those hobbies instead of gaming if you think you have a problem.
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I think you might be amazed by how productive (yet not bored) you could be if you seriously cut back on gaming.
I was.
A lot of things we do on the computer isn't particularly entertaining or fulfilling it just consumes lots of time.
then with less time spent gaming, you only need to do the good stuff, not the lame stuff.
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On January 10 2014 11:55 Dfgj wrote:Show nested quote +On January 10 2014 11:35 Birdie wrote:Sounds like you do have a problem. If you don't have any problem with compulsive gaming, then stop for a year. Stop cold turkey playing games for an entire year. If you can't, or won't, then there's a strong chance that you're a compulsive gamer. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9DBFBD4160A9EAA2 you may find these three videos useful. 'Quit your hobbies, it'll show you don't need them!' That doesn't exactly sound productive, I would never quit any of my hobbies for a year to prove a point. Games, sports, reading, anything.
Spending much more than four hours a day on computer gaming is no longer a hobby, it's a job.
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You should calmly ask your father how much time he spends watching TV. Seriously, this disparity in logic baffles me to no end. My siblings can watch TV for 10 hours a day and not a word is said, but if I play games for that long, it's like "Have you ONLY been on that computer all day?"
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1001 YEARS KESPAJAIL22272 Posts
If your desire to play games is getting in the way of you leading a healthy life, then yes it is a problem. And by healthy, I mean both physically, socially, and career-wise.
Are you getting enough exercise?
Are you spending enough time with friends/colleagues/etc outside the game?
Why did you get rejected from PhD programs? Was it because of poor grades during university, which could be tied to too much gaming?
How far are you into your MA, and does your part time job have prospects of becoming a fulfilling full time job? You don't really explain why you didn't reapply other than "hey maybe there are other things out there" which honestly feels like a rationalization for giving up. Maybe you do have a reason but you need to communicate it for us to understand.
Otherwise it does sound like a problem.
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On January 10 2014 12:14 HolyExlxF wrote:
You should calmly ask your father how much time he spends watching TV. Seriously, this disparity in logic baffles me to no end. My siblings can watch TV for 10 hours a day and not a word is said, but if I play games for that long, it's like "Have you ONLY been on that computer all day?"
That just means everyone has a problem, lol.
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Seriously do what makes you happy, you parents are trying to be good parents but are going about it in the wrong way.
Don't listen to these people who have arbitrary standards for what is a healthy life.
Are you banging a 10/10 each night?
Do you squat 500 lbs at 10 reps?
Do you have a law degree from Harvard?
If you answered no to any of these questions, then you are a failure and video games ruined your life. Might as well been a heroin addict.
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On January 10 2014 12:18 lichter wrote:
If your desire to play games is getting in the way of you leading a healthy life, then yes it is a problem. And by healthy, I mean both physically, socially, and career-wise.
Are you getting enough exercise?
Are you spending enough time with friends/colleagues/etc outside the game?
Why did you get rejected from PhD programs? Was it because of poor grades during university, which could be tied to too much gaming?
How far are you into your MA, and does your part time job have prospects of becoming a fulfilling full time job? You don't really explain why you didn't reapply other than "hey maybe there are other things out there" which honestly feels like a rationalization for giving up. Maybe you do have a reason but you need to communicate it for us to understand.
Otherwise it does sound like a problem.
Thanks for your input.
1) No, I rarely exercise.
2) To elaborate -- one problem is that I don't have any local friends in the city I am currently living in. I would be lying if I said that my introversion and video gaming were not causes of this. Most of my best friends are still living in my hometown, most of whom play the same games that I do. I still visit to see them in person once-a-month. I have also made a number of friendships through online gaming. Thus, the majority of my time spent with friends is done on skype, with gaming being the activity.
3) I did not get poor grades as an undergraduate. I graduated with honors in my major and a 3.56 GPA. Likewise, I have just completed my first semester in the MA program with a current GPA of 4.0! Very proud of that. Why did I get rejected from PhD programs? I'm not entirely sure. They don't outright tell you. Maybe I have a weak letter of recommendation. Maybe I didn't apply to enough programs.
4) Being honest -- yeah, I was fucking tired of applying to PhD programs. I hate the whole experience. It makes my skin crawl -- especially the pressure from my parents who always want to oversee what I'm writing in my applications. I guess I just decided to quit.
However... after that conversation with my Dad (which happened quite recently), he kind of demanded that I reapply, even though the deadlines are fast approaching. I caved in and decided to just get it over with. I'm applying to a lot more schools this time... maybe it will go better.
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being successful is being happy. Just because they are your parents doesn't mean they are the all knowing gods of everything. Sure they might have some idea of what's right, but that's just what they believe. You should listen them to a certain extent.
I had the same problem you had in my childhood. They were CONVINCED i was ruining my life. Now i have an apartment with 2 of my buddies from school, I'm going to all my classes, and most importanty, I don't regret anything. The thing that allows you to know if you are in control or not is if you still allow yourself to make room to just get certain stuff done. Like it doesn't have to be like (for school) Stanford level shit, but just get what you have to get done done and keep doing what you enjoy.
Think of it this way, if you were to throw out all your video game stuff out the window right now, would you actually do what they think will make you happy?
A lot of parents don't understand that things change, just because it wasn't normal for them, doesn't mean it's not normal now.
sry if this shit is really poorly written, I'm playing Osu! in between the times writing this.
Just letting you know you are not alone in situations like this
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On January 10 2014 11:35 Birdie wrote:Sounds like you do have a problem. If you don't have any problem with compulsive gaming, then stop for a year. Stop cold turkey playing games for an entire year. If you can't, or won't, then there's a strong chance that you're a compulsive gamer. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9DBFBD4160A9EAA2 you may find these three videos useful.
That's the kind of argument I hate more than any. "Well, if you can do it, show me!" For me, video gaming is an important part of my life, and it's not because I'm addicted. I feel like I am in control of my life, and that's what it comes down to. There have been points in my life in which gaming has negatively impacted me, and I have fixed those and understood where those problems came from. It's not simply about the amount of time you spend gaming.
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Move out and do whatever the fuck you want forever.
and yes, you are probably gaming too much, most gamers do.
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1001 YEARS KESPAJAIL22272 Posts
On January 10 2014 12:34 Nairul wrote:Show nested quote +On January 10 2014 12:18 lichter wrote:
If your desire to play games is getting in the way of you leading a healthy life, then yes it is a problem. And by healthy, I mean both physically, socially, and career-wise.
Are you getting enough exercise?
Are you spending enough time with friends/colleagues/etc outside the game?
Why did you get rejected from PhD programs? Was it because of poor grades during university, which could be tied to too much gaming?
How far are you into your MA, and does your part time job have prospects of becoming a fulfilling full time job? You don't really explain why you didn't reapply other than "hey maybe there are other things out there" which honestly feels like a rationalization for giving up. Maybe you do have a reason but you need to communicate it for us to understand.
Otherwise it does sound like a problem. Thanks for your input. 1) No, I rarely exercise. 2) To elaborate -- one problem is that I don't have any local friends in the city I am currently living in. I would be lying if I said that my introversion and video gaming were not causes of this. Most of my best friends are still living in my hometown, most of whom play the same games that I do. I still visit to see them in person once-a-month. I have also made a number of friendships through online gaming. Thus, the majority of my time spent with friends is done on skype, with gaming being the activity. 3) I did not get poor grades as an undergraduate. I graduated with honors in my major and a 3.56 GPA. Likewise, I have just completed my first semester in the MA program with a current GPA of 4.0! Very proud of that. Why did I get rejected from PhD programs? I'm not entirely sure. They don't outright tell you. Maybe I have a weak letter of recommendation. Maybe I didn't apply to enough programs. 4) Being honest -- yeah, I was fucking tired of applying to PhD programs. I hate the whole experience. It makes my skin crawl -- especially the pressure from my parents who always want to oversee what I'm writing in my applications. I guess I just decided to quit. However... after that conversation with my Dad (which happened quite recently), he kind of demanded that I reapply, even though the deadlines are fast approaching. I caved in and decided to just get it over with. I'm applying to a lot more schools this time... maybe it will go better.
You should take care of your health by exercising a little. Aside from it being good for you it will help your dad get the impression that you aren't on the computer all day.
That's an understandable situation. As long as you still socialize and gaming isn't all there is nor gets in the way it's all good.
It sounds like you really don't want to take that PhD. I don't think your dad really wants to force you into it, perhaps he is just worried that, if not a PhD and your previous plans of becoming a university professor, then what? He probably isn't sure if you know what you want to do, and seeing you play games all day reinforces his image of your directionlessness, whether it is true or not. If you can figure out what you really want to do and tell him about this new direction that you feel strong about and have the desire to pursue, I am certain he will support you. Your parents sound good concerned, not naggingly overbearing kind of concerned.
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If your obsession with video games is actually the reason why you didn't get into your ideal professional program, then you clearly do have a problem. I used to play video games non-stop, but then had to slow it down a bit when I started taking my master's- and then my doctoral- classes (for education to be a professor, like you). It was really just a mature decision to prioritize the important things in my life, and not lose sight of my long-term goals. I still play video games, just not 6 hours a day anymore.
Figure out what's really important in your life and plan accordingly. Make sure you won't regret your decisions ten or twenty years from now. Good luck 
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You're 23 and your dad still calls you son? For me, the illusion of parenthood fell apart in my latter teen years - They lost the image of being divine omnipotent beings that always knew what was best for me, and were "reduced" to what they actually are - fellow adults that I love dearly and respect for their intelligence... but the idea that they were better and more wise than me by the fact that I'm their spawn had evaporated by the time I was 20.
I can relate a lot to your story, though. Naturally, I'm an introvert, and as a kid we moved a LOT... and not "the next town over" moves, but moves from literally the ghetto of Grand Rapids, Michigan to a small town of 3000 people in Southern Ontario, to Edmonton to the "Lower Mainland" which is code for "Basically Vancouver" and half the places between. I make friends deeply and with extreme loyalty, so one particular move after my first year of high school stole my best friend and my girlfriend from me, and a part of my heart died and never recovered. What that means, for me, is that through the rest of high school and so far the rest of my life, a lot of my deep social connections are on the internet. Is it healthy? There are healthier things, sure, but it was my unrealized unintentional way of saying to myself "There, world. My friends are an internet connection away. You CAN'T take them from me" and that's a realization I can stomach, and be comfortable with, and not ashamed of myself for.
It took a few years, and my mom was more like your dad in her lack of understanding, but eventually my parents came around and accept me for who I am, even though I play a whole lot of games. It helped, on my end, to show that I wasn't just idly playing games with nothing to show for it - For as much as he didn't understand, my Dad understood that SC2 Masters league was an achievement that was a quantifiable "I'm good at this game", and the games I helped make, even though they weren't that good and didn't make me a millionaire were a sign that I was passionate about what I do. Right now, my whole family and most of my work knows that I helped route and plan AGDQ's Skyrim any% run. Sure, what I do is dorky and really, really hard for them to understand, but it is part of who I am, I'm passionate about it, and not ashamed of it. Again, it took a few years of me showing that before my family started to accept it, but since they have I'm happier than I've ever been because I can do what I love doing and because they've seen it's usually harmless and quite often beneficial, they let me do it.
Two important points that help : Even though I'm an avid gamer (Well over 1000 hours in both LoL and Dota 2  ) I'm self-sustained and will survive on my own FIRST, and game afterwards. I'm not being seemingly lazy on someone else's bill, so what I do on my own free time is entirely my own concern.
Second is that I've got a career nobody can argue with. I've been a carpenter for almost a decade (I'm 25), and have co-owned a company and am financially stable and in no way struggling to survive. Gaming HAS been detrimental to my career, for sure, but my primary life goal is not to buy a house or invest x amount into the bank or retire at 40, so if enjoyment is "detrimental to my career", I can probably live with that.
So my advice would be to get to a point where you're comfortable with your gaming. I'm in a place where, if you look at it objectively, still has a lot of holes, but what works for me is that I'm comfortable with who I am. Am I perfect? Hell no... but I'm happy, and that's a position I can build from
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I posted and this is a complete edit.
Chances are you spend way too much time playing video games and are "addicted." The amount of time you spend and lack of obligations otherwise lead me to this conclusion. Part time work, living at home, not continuing your education, blaming the lack of socialization on not having friends in the area, but gaming often means your priorities are in the wrong places. Honestly it is up to you what you do, but while you can still take advantage of living with your parents you should and really reverse your priorities because if/when you move out if you have to do everything above all at the same time it won't only be harder, but then you will have no time for hobbies and in fact even now you should have very little time for hobbies while securing your higher education. Honestly many people fall into this pattern though and even I did for quite some time. You really have to have and obtain goals and want to reach those goals to make time for hobbies and even then there will not be nearly as much time for them as there used to be. To get started you might actually have to eliminate gaming all together but perhaps not if you can learn that obligations for the day are not more important than gaming. Then take steps to obtain a better grip on aspects in your life that are lacking like school, more work, friends(girl/boyfriends), taking care of general day-to-day. After all that is done you decide goals for the day and when they're completed you can do your hobbies. Entire post seems negative, but it is how I felt about myself for a while and tend to fall back into from time to time. Just keep in mind that if you're not actually doing something productive during your day you don't have enough obligations, and if you are doing something productive and those things are done, then you have time for hobbies.
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EPT
