EPT“I think I’ll just eat out,” I said.
“Very good, sir,” my butler replied as he left me to my sleep. Unfortunately, he misunderstood what I meant by “eat out” and sent in my callgirls to pester me some more. Had I not been so sleepy, I might have been more forgiving.
“Damn it, Jeeves!” I yelled. He rushed into my room and, upon seeing my callgirls still fully clothed realized his mistake.
“I forgave you the last time because you were my brother, Jeeves! I shouldn’t have made that mistake. You’re fired!” Jeeves burst into tears and begged me to keep him. Security promptly came and took him out.
“And I’m not paying to change your name back either!” I yelled at him as he was dragged away. I sent my callgirls out and went back to sleep.
An hour passed when I woke up. Only, I hadn’t prepared myself for what I saw. A puddle of blood had stained my beautiful carpet. I started yelling at my security guards who were lying on the ground and spewing forth the mess. After a whole minute of ignoring me, I fired them. A voice came from the other room as I did so.
“Ah, awake are we?”
I turned my head to see none other than Jeff, my crazed and self-appointed arch nemesis from PETA. A blood-stained cleaver dripped from his hands onto the carpet. I called for my cleanup crew, but nobody showed up.
“Oh, don’t worry about them,” He said. “Everybody in the whole mansion is dead.” He started laughing maniacally. He was obviously here because of my luxurious diet consisting of rare and endangered species.
“You’ve killed and eaten far too many animals to extinction!” He yelled at me.
“Extinction?” I thought. But then I remembered that woolly mammoth I cloned just for the sake of eating it. I suppose that technically counted as eating an animal to extinction. In any case, I’m sure I probably did single-handedly eat other animals to extinction without knowing (or caring).
As Jeff kept rambling, he got that crazed look in his eye that he had the last time he was here and murdered everyone. He was about to stab me. He raised his cleaver up in the air and started raving like a madman.
Suddenly, Jeeves burst through the window, guns blazing, and tackled Jeff to the ground. In the ensuing struggle, Jeeves knocked out Jeff and threw him out the window into the moat, where he was sure to be eaten by my selectively bred carnivorous manatees.
“Jeeves, you saved me!” I said. He looked shaken. “How would you like some roast dolphin?” I offered him.
“I’d love nothing more, sir,” He replied.
“I’m glad to hear that,” I said. “It’s in the trash. Go get it.”
