I know I shouldn't be writing this, but I am. I know I shouldn't be thinking about her, but I do. I know she doesn't love me anymore, but I love her so much and willing to do anything!
We broke up about 3 weeks ago (after 1 1/2 years, first time for both of us), and it came so sudden for me and as a surprise that she could throw away everything we had, just because she didn't have any feelings left. (probably because I haven't exactly treated her well always) I really want to fix it, and I'm tired of listening to advice from people thats telling me to let her go and move to the next person. Why is the world this way? That we throw away people and give up important relationships just like that. We aren't even trying hard enough. I'm still curious if there is a way to change a womans heart? I'll do anything to win her back!
Currently, we decided that our break up to begin with would be a 3 months break, over the summer, and then if there is something left to build upon, we would maybe try again. I do blame myself, because my behaviour with her hasn't always been acceptable, and my life goals and situation hasn't exactly been upto her standard. I aint exactly the person most women fall in love with, but I'm willing to work hard to change that. Though we have decided basically to keep contact during these 3 months to absolute minimum. She wants to be free and do whatever she wants without having to worry about me and my future.
I feel I can't just stand by and see her drift apart. Because that will happen during this break! I know she wont contact me without a reason. Also I feel that there must be some way I can affect this relationship in a positive way during the summerbreak, so that she will see that there is a reason to stay and that I'm worth holding on to. Because right now, she locked all feelings for me deep down within her. I'm just hoping to increase that chance as much as possible so that she wants to try again.
My plan has been to work on myself on areas that aren't very admirable. I'm the most social person. I'm not very fit, though working on it. I'm not very practical and a very good procrastinator. Though I'm trying to change, those are some of the reasons I think she kinda lost her feelings for me. I didn't exactly have the highest social status. I know there isn't any guarante, even if I work hard to change these things during the summer, to get her back. I partly do these things for myself as well. But do you think it will affect our relationship and change her feelings toward me? I'm curious to how to change her heart. Is there any nice way to show her during the summer that I've changed without demanding contact like we agreed, and make me look more attractive. I guess during the time we have been togather, I've been very honest about everything, including my negative sides and that hasn't exactly given her a good impression or reason to admire me, because of the focus. And she is kind of pessimistic.
Currently I've been thinking in the lines of: - Posting on facebook (nothing to desperate) things she used to worry about, that went really well (like exams). I would have done this anyway. Most people do this. - After some months, post a new fit profile picture of me on facebook. - Start a creative blog (I've always dreamt about this before I even met her) - Send her "a letter". Not actually writing anything, but right when I visited her last time, she gave me this travel sticker with her name and phonenumber on a card (dunno what its called) incase of something happens during the flight. She is traveling to the US for a month during the summer, and I was thinking of sending her back one of those cards with my number and name to show as a sign that I still care. Also, I borrowed from her a bikewheel patching kit (right word?) to fix my bike that I haven't gotten around to fixing yet. It has annoyed her, but I'm thinking of sending that also with a note "I wont be needing this anymore" to a sign that I've fixed the bike and I'm a practical guy that don't have problems with fixing stuff.
So, any advice? What do you guys think? Any questions about the relationship, and I'll be happy to answer.
You can fix your stuff with the next girl. No point in wasting time with the one that left you. Wait half a year and don't interact with the old girl and you'll not care about her anymore.
Kuni is right, just wait a bit and try not to act on impulse. If you still feel the same way after a few months then try to talk to her again.
Was there a reason you broke up? Has it been fixed already in such a short time? if the answer to those two questions are different then you probably shouldn't be too hasty.
Ok since you're bent on foolishly winning this girl back anyways here goes:
You're pretty much doing everything wrong. Don't post your shit on facebook, don't write letters and for god's sake don't send or give her stuff to remind her of you just before she goes on holiday. The way you describe yourself makes you sound like a clingy incompetent pussy with low self esteem. Don't desperately try to change in what you think she wants while showing her how much you need her. You got to man the fuck up and make something of yourself, and make her realise you aren't the one who needs her but she is the one who needs you.
Sorry for the tone but it sounds like you could use some tough love. I'm not sure if your being a fool or if you really are good with her but I guess time will tell.
Edit: IMPORTANT: Give her room. Leave her alone. Ueah it could be that she'll be enjoying some fresh new dick on her trip but all you can accomplish by sucking on to her is ensuring she loses that last shred of love for you.
On May 26 2013 20:23 B.I.G. wrote: Ok since you're bent on foolishly winning this girl back anyways here goes:
You're pretty much doing everything wrong. Don't post your shit on facebook, don't write letters and for god's sake don't send or give her stuff to remind her of you just before she goes on holiday. The way you describe yourself makes you sound like a clingy incompetent pussy with low self esteem. Don't desperately try to change in what you think she wants while showing her how much you need her. You got to man the fuck up and make something of yourself, and make her realise you aren't the one who needs her but she is the one who needs you.
Sorry for the tone but it sounds like you could use some tough love. I'm not sure if your being a fool or if you really are good with her but I guess time will tell.
Edit: IMPORTANT: Give her room. Leave her alone. Ueah it could be that she'll be enjoying some fresh new dick on her trip but all you can accomplish by sucking on to her is ensuring she loses that last shred of love for you.
I appriciate you're honesty. Thanks for your point of view. But really, NOT doing anything will help you win back a girl? I don't see why that would work. In most cases when I've read stories about people who really try and work hard for a chick to win their heart (like Obama? he got rejected like 3 times before he got Michelle) I mean, I don't see why not doing anything will help! In the end, if I know her right, she will say: "I'm happy you are doing well, but it doesn't seem you want me enough since I haven't heard from you at all." She has said stuff in those lines before, when I haven't visited her in a long time (long distance relationship) trying to get her to visit me. But it just backfired and I'm pretty sure it just made her loose her feelings for me, because of us not seeing eachother.
The worst thing you can do is be vague. If you want to win her back, and have decided to take a three month break, you need to show her that you understand what went wrong, and that you want to fix it.
If you are going to write her a letter, be specific about the things you are going to accomplish over the next three months. About the tire patching kit, tell her that you know even a small thing can lead to frustration, and that fixing your bike is just one small thing to start. Tell her that you are going to improve things for yourself, and invite her to tell you about her trip when she gets back. Then give her some space and go make yourself happy.
Give her the letter in person. Be sincere in your wish for her to have a good time.
Then do what you promise. By the end you may find you have changed enough that you are also willing to go in a new direction.
You need to be considerate of her feelings too. If you truly care about her and she wants to be independent, then you need to respect her wishes.
Believe me, I know exactly what you're going through. Reading through the first paragraph I felt like I was narrating myself 5 years ago. And the best advice I can give you (you wont like it), is to move on. But let me reiterate that for you. "Moving on" doesnt mean you have to forget about her. You can still keep her in your memories. What you should move on to, is to do the things you love. Whatever it may be. What ever you could not do before when you were together, do them now. Take this opportunity to be selfish. Develop yourself and become a better person, not for her, but for yourself.
In the end, if it really was meant to be, then you guys will end up with each other.
And for the record, 5 years later, Im still in love with my ex. We dont speak or keep in contact. But Im happy with where my life is atm, only thing I regret is that I did not realize what or how to deal with myself sooner.
Its hard, Im not saying it will be easy. And at this moment you wont accept advice unless its the one you want to hear. But I can only share my experience and hope that you can take something from it. Hang in there, and start being an adult.
On May 26 2013 21:23 Manifesto7 wrote: The worst thing you can do is be vague. If you want to win her back, and have decided to take a three month break, you need to show her that you understand what went wrong, and that you want to fix it.
If you are going to write her a letter, be specific about the things you are going to accomplish over the next three months. About the tire patching kit, tell her that you know even a small thing can lead to frustration, and that fixing your bike is just one small thing to start. Tell her that you are going to improve things for yourself, and invite her to tell you about her trip when she gets back. Then give her some space and go make yourself happy.
Give her the letter in person. Be sincere in your wish for her to have a good time.
Then do what you promise. By the end you may find you have changed enough that you are also willing to go in a new direction.
I agree with Mani. If you want, let her know you're going to try to improve yourself during this break which you should definitely give her, I don't see anything going well by continuing to be a presence in her life when she's asked for time apart. By letting her know you're going to work on things, hopefully she doesn't forget about you completely and then at least she knows you're still hoping to work it out, otherwise she might just think you've moved on. Think about the shit that led to this, what things you could fix / work on and then do it - then in a few months contact her again and see if she wants to go for coffee or something - hopefully that will lead somewhere.
I don't agree with B.I.G, I don't think the attitude of, "I'm the man, she should change for me, I shouldn't have to do shit for her" is a good one - even though that's not exactly what he said I think that's how it comes across. I don't think you're a pussy for wanting to change yourself in order to be more appealing - that shit can be taken too far if you become a doormat for some bitch, but that doesn't sound the situation here.
start going to the gym start dressing better take care of your skin get a good haircut
once you are looking good, fuck all her friends
no regrets
and if you honestly want this girl back, do the above 4 but don't fuck her friends. the WORST thing you can do is do something beta like give her a letter. you need to make her regret leaving you, and the best way to do this is improve your image (girls are shallow, even smart ones).
On May 26 2013 22:27 eSen1a wrote: start going to the gym start dressing better take care of your skin get a good haircut
once you are looking good, fuck all her friends
no regrets
and if you honestly want this girl back, do the above 4 but don't fuck her friends. the WORST thing you can do is do something beta like give her a letter. you need to make her regret leaving you, and the best way to do this is improve your image (girls are shallow, even smart ones).
this, under no circumstance do what manifesto/the guy below said Been there, still regret it. Edit: Add making more money
and it came so sudden for me and as a surprise that she could throw away everything we had, just because she didn't have any feelings left.
Just because... the nerve of that girl, I tell you what! She should have stayed with you and been unhappy just for you apparently!
Maybe if you actually cared about her, instead of your own ego, you would choose to respect and honor this woman by leaving her the fuck alone.
I think the point he was trying to make is that she let things die out and abruptly broke up rather than trying to fix things or address problems in the first place, which surprised him.
you need to let it go, i had 3 relationships over a yr and its futile to try, it really depends on the other person and how they are quite bored of it, but at the same time how are we to know ur telling us the whole story, ur posting on an sc2 forum ., . .do you play a fuck ton of sc2? Let me tell you this is going to happen over and over again if this is the case.
seriously though, you have to move on and get rid of anything you have that reminds you of her.
You should work out every day, telling yourself it's to help get back with your ex. Then when you realize it's impossible, you'll be in good shape and ready to meet someone new.
if u rly want to try then try and dont hold back and probably you dont need to take any specific advice since u probably know her better than other ppl do.
if it works then it works, if it dont then it dont.
itd probably feel worse if u wanted to try but didnt try, like if u didnt do all that you could or whatever.
No-so-strangely, all these things you use to get a girl to date you don't seem to work to win her back. Things that say "I'm here for you" and "I enjoy listening to the boring stuff in your life".
Do it the mature way. You can't make somebody love you. She couldn't even make herself that way. A few months aren't much when you consider all these crappy married couples who should but still might not break up.
How many (good) relationsships do you know that worked out and are still working after falling out of love and breaking up?
On May 26 2013 21:23 Manifesto7 wrote: The worst thing you can do is be vague. If you want to win her back, and have decided to take a three month break, you need to show her that you understand what went wrong, and that you want to fix it.
If you are going to write her a letter, be specific about the things you are going to accomplish over the next three months. About the tire patching kit, tell her that you know even a small thing can lead to frustration, and that fixing your bike is just one small thing to start. Tell her that you are going to improve things for yourself, and invite her to tell you about her trip when she gets back. Then give her some space and go make yourself happy.
Give her the letter in person. Be sincere in your wish for her to have a good time.
Then do what you promise. By the end you may find you have changed enough that you are also willing to go in a new direction.
I agree with Mani. If you want, let her know you're going to try to improve yourself during this break which you should definitely give her, I don't see anything going well by continuing to be a presence in her life when she's asked for time apart. By letting her know you're going to work on things, hopefully she doesn't forget about you completely and then at least she knows you're still hoping to work it out, otherwise she might just think you've moved on. Think about the shit that led to this, what things you could fix / work on and then do it - then in a few months contact her again and see if she wants to go for coffee or something - hopefully that will lead somewhere.
I don't agree with B.I.G, I don't think the attitude of, "I'm the man, she should change for me, I shouldn't have to do shit for her" is a good one - even though that's not exactly what he said I think that's how it comes across. I don't think you're a pussy for wanting to change yourself in order to be more appealing - that shit can be taken too far if you become a doormat for some bitch, but that doesn't sound the situation here.
Appriciate your answers and help Mani, you are right. I have been quite vague with her, but its hard to balance. Sometimes I state things out of impulse and pure selfishness, and then later realize I shouldn't have done that and apologize my behaviour. That is both good in a way, though mostly I think it makes me look indecive and makes her lose interest. It was actually me who suggested this break out of impulse, and she then embraced it and has stuck with it. I regretted it, because I still felt like there was other ways to figure things out. All I'm trying to do is the right thing.
Giving her the letter in person is quite difficult because she lives 8 hours drive from me. Though a friend of mine suggested I should visit her after the break and talk over what the situation is. So that is my currently my plan. Write the letter now, then give it to her then. Also, you are right, I should uphold the break in respect for her wishes. Though my worst fear is that she has given me up so much that all the good memories of me has just been forgotten, and all she remembers is the bad times that lead to the break up.
On May 26 2013 21:54 Emnjay808 wrote: You need to be considerate of her feelings too. If you truly care about her and she wants to be independent, then you need to respect her wishes.
Believe me, I know exactly what you're going through. Reading through the first paragraph I felt like I was narrating myself 5 years ago. And the best advice I can give you (you wont like it), is to move on. But let me reiterate that for you. "Moving on" doesnt mean you have to forget about her. You can still keep her in your memories. What you should move on to, is to do the things you love. Whatever it may be. What ever you could not do before when you were together, do them now. Take this opportunity to be selfish. Develop yourself and become a better person, not for her, but for yourself.
In the end, if it really was meant to be, then you guys will end up with each other.
And for the record, 5 years later, Im still in love with my ex. We dont speak or keep in contact. But Im happy with where my life is atm, only thing I regret is that I did not realize what or how to deal with myself sooner.
Its hard, Im not saying it will be easy. And at this moment you wont accept advice unless its the one you want to hear. But I can only share my experience and hope that you can take something from it. Hang in there, and start being an adult.
Yes, I'm afraid you are right. And I feel like I'm going to end up like you, loving her the next 5 years. I don't feel it's right to just betray my feelings for her, in exchange for some poor girl who has to live with my feelings for my ex. I'd rather be single.
And you are right, if there is anything called "meant to be", then I figure she will come back into my life at some point. thanks for your imput
On May 26 2013 23:15 Scarecrow wrote: Stop talking about how you're willing to do anything and start getting stuff done.
You are right. It's easier said than done. I'm working on it. Thanks for your input
Hey I don't think you're little facebook plan and creativity blog will work. I think those are things that you ought to do for yourself. I think you really love yourself more than you love this girl and you might want to tone down on the self-love and start appreciating everyone in your life.
So in conclusion, there probably is no hope of you getting this girl back but that's not a bad thing. It will allow you to find strength in other parts of your life. Just stick to it. Work hard! ThePhan2m fighting!!~
EPT
