EPT
Hopeless, feel like killing myself
| Blogs > Scorpion77 |
|
Scorpion77
98 Posts
| ||
|
Shady Sands
United States4021 Posts
| ||
|
Scorpion77
98 Posts
On February 19 2013 02:11 Shady Sands wrote: Dude, don't feel this way man. Are you in college? Join a club, take an interesting class, meet some people, and things will change i am doing an access to university course, it is one-year, it started in september and ends in 9 weeks of classes. But i've squandered the opportunity to get to know anyone and they think i'm weird now, i have no hobbies really... i just browse the internet, read the news and read wikipedia. I am boring I have no idea how to make friends in adulthood, in school i made friends by just following people, i hardly ever made any effort to interact with them outside school hours. I am completely dependent on my mum, she does lots of things for me - but she won't be around forever, if she dies then I'll be useless | ||
|
kaiz0ku
Greece289 Posts
| ||
|
Shady Sands
United States4021 Posts
On February 19 2013 02:13 Scorpion77 wrote: i am doing an access to university course, it is one-year, it started in september and ends in 9 weeks of classes. But i've squandered the opportunity to get to know anyone and they think i'm weird now, i have no hobbies really... i just browse the internet, read the news and read wikipedia. I am boring I have no idea how to make friends in adulthood, in school i made friends by just following people, i hardly ever made any effort to interact with them outside school hours. I am completely dependent on my mum, she does lots of things for me - but she won't be around forever, if she dies then I'll be useless Why don't you get a job then? My first set of real "adult" friends were the co-workers at my first job | ||
|
Scorpion77
98 Posts
On February 19 2013 02:17 Shady Sands wrote: Why don't you get a job then? My first set of real "adult" friends were the co-workers at my first job i'm too socially anxious, there are so many basic things i cannot do, I went to the bakery for the first time in my life, alone, when i was 19, even though it is just across the road. | ||
|
NukeD
Croatia1612 Posts
| ||
|
Mongoose
United Kingdom190 Posts
Don't worry about what people might think of you in your course. In the end people are there for 1 main reason: to get a qualification. You don't have to be involved in all the socializing that most people do, people around your age should be mature enough to understand that not everyone is the same. Who knows, maybe you'll end up talking to a couple of people and make friends. | ||
|
Facultyadjutant
Sweden1876 Posts
It's hard man; to realize people really don't care about what you do and that you can be yourself, and then work on being who you want to be. I was always constantly caring about what people thought of me, but you can work on it and finally not care. Which funnily helps getting to know people. Practically I suggest starting seeing new places, that is what helped me. Just go somewhere. If you need to talk to someone verbally than just call up your suicide center or a therapist. If you have serious thoughts about suicide then don't go here, get professional help You'l make it man, just start working on yourself and try things. You're not alone, hope you get better at it and start working on yourself in the direction you want to | ||
|
phosphorylation
United States2935 Posts
| ||
|
ninazerg
United States7291 Posts
A lot of people will probably tell you "don't commit suicide". Ultimately, your life is in your own hands, but I would personally love for you to write a year later that your life changed and you are happy now. But that's a long way off for right now. As someone who has battled her whole life with depression, I know how hopeless things can feel at times. That's why we as human beings need each other to pick each other up and tell us not to give up hope when all seems lost and futile. I'm glad you wrote this. I wish you the best..! | ||
|
LuckyFool
United States9015 Posts
| ||
|
Fruscainte
4596 Posts
On February 19 2013 06:44 LuckyFool wrote: Have you tried exercising and working out alot? When I was a little lost in life about a year ago I joined a gym, met new people and immediately not only started feeling better physically but mentally as well. Might be worth a try, sometimes when we feel down about something or things aren't going well, a change of scenery to your normal daily life could help a ton. I'm going to back this up. It's not even just meeting new people, it's the fact that the gym is like no other place on Earth. You're right, nobody cares. In the grand scheme of things, you are not important. Your mother will never tell you what a great son you were today. Your girlfriend will never say "Hey, you did a great job being a boyfriend today, let's see if you can do even better tomorrow!" When you go to the gym, you have goals. You are making progress every workout, and even if you don't add a few pounds to your squat or your bench or whatever that day you learn something that you're doing wrong and you can go to fix it. It doesn't matter if you fail in the gym, because that's SOMETHING. That's the world or your body or whatever telling you you need to slow down and work back up and fix something. Failing is better than getting no feedback at all. THAT is why people recommend people struggling with social anxiety or depression go to the gym so often. A lot of the time people don't know how to verbalize what I just said, but the feeling is all the same and they understand what other people are going through and want to help. When you can set goals and meet them or attempt to meet them 3-4 times a week let me tell you something -- that will give purpose to your life. It will bring structure to your life. You will begin to feel proud of your accomplishments in the gym, even if only on a subconscious level. And then that will begin to percolate throughout the rest of your life and you will see general improvement, I promise you that. You don't have to go the gym and be a social creature. I was a WoW addict from 6th grade to 11thish grade. I was a fatass with no social skills, no girlfriend, and depressed beyond belief. To this day the most I've ever talked to someone at the gym is "hey, you know how to spot squats? Oh cool, I could use some help" or "how much you got left?", but my life has immensely improved because of my lifting over the past year or so. Not to mention, getting the kinds of testosterone pumping through your system that comes with working out if you've never done it before will most likely help miles with your self-confidence. I assume you live in a first world country, most likely the United States. Killing yourself is the most selfish act ever man. You have a house and loving parents. You have the luxury to even go to college, let alone have your mother force you to go to it. You are one of the most privileged people not only on the world today, but in all of fucking history. You have more opportunity in your hands than any other person who has ever lived on this planet at any other time in human history. Throwing that away is the most selfish, and dare I say stupid thing you could ever do. The fact that you're asking us for permission and not just going out and doing it, at least in my opinion, shows you don't want to die and are just desperate. Hone that desperation into purpose. If my old fat ass WoW addict handholdless kissless virgin at 17 could do it, you sure as hell can. | ||
|
ImAbstracT
519 Posts
Not posting this to be funny. I know people who have turned to these before, and it has helped them out. | ||
|
mooose
Japan200 Posts
I've always been fairly similar to you in that I get really socially anxious, I've spent most of my time shut away on my own and I've gone through periods of feeling completely depressed and hopeless like you describe. I always felt like the only reason I did anything was because I was pushed into it by other people; because making the decision to go out and do anything was too scary for me to seriously consider it without being coerced. I've also never had any idea what I want to do with my life and thinking about the future usually makes me unhappy. However I think that just letting people (mostly my mum) push me along has worked out ok for me; or at least it's helped me get going on my own. I'm almost 22 now, I've graduated from university and I currently have a (kinda shitty but temporary) job. I went to uni because it just seemed like the next thing that was expected of me after I finished school and because the idea of getting a job seemed equally scary and depressing. I also knew I couldn't just sit around doing nothing with my life, or at least I knew my mum would pressure me into doing something or I would've just sat around doing nothing otherwise. Overall I think that going to university was worthwhile. The qualification itself has proven not very useful at all so far (BA Philosophy) but I feel at least a little more capable and confident than I used to and I feel like I have achieved something. I'd recommend sticking with your access course and going to university somewhere. The other option really is getting a job and that requires a bit more independent motivation and work imo that maybe you aren't ready for yet. University is like a halfway step into adulthood I think (although having graduated I wouldn't say I'm completely prepared for that still :p). You have the extra freedom of living on your own and are forced to motivate yourself to get work done without someone constantly looking over your shoulder but it's not quite the same level of responsibility as trying to hold down a job. Also it's something to work towards and at the end you will have a qualification of some kind which will possibly come in useful at some point or at the very least be something to stick on your CV which is better than saying you did nothing for however many years. So my advice is to basically stick with the course your mum pushed you into if it's going to give you a shot at going to university somewhere. Try to pick a course you will enjoy rather than one you think will give you a higher paying job or 'better' career somewhere down the line because if you aren't interested in your subject you probably won't make it to the end and you won't want a job in that area anyway so it'll be a waste of time. You can always retrain for that higher paying job later in your life when you actually know what you want to do. Basically just find something you think you might enjoy, look into it a bit more and then work towards it. | ||
|
Gendo
United Kingdom216 Posts
I had a severe depression which cost me the job and much more, the only way out is to get into uncomfortable situations as they are really not once you get into them. good idea to study as you'll know ppl and get out of the shell, then if you want to continue or get a job up to you but it's a good start. you're only 20, you've waisted nothing, keep it up! | ||
|
I_Love_Katheryn
United States41 Posts
| ||
|
fight_or_flight
United States3988 Posts
On February 19 2013 02:07 Scorpion77 wrote: Is there any hope for me? Has anyone felt like this before? How unique is this feeling? I feel desperate... I feel like a Hikikomori In my view, these feelings are natural and honest. You can't control feelings, nor are feelings right or wrong. They just are what they are. It's best to accept them...at least you aren't deluded about yourself in that case. That puts you way ahead of most people. I can't give you any specific reason why you should choose to live. But consider that you only have experienced a very small sliver of what's real. You know almost nothing about existence. What if after you die you are trapped in your current state of mind? At least in the physical world you can have experiences and change over time. But when you are, potentially, nothing but thoughts, there's nothing you can do. In other words, what if by killing yourself you can't escape what you are feeling, but instead become frozen in your current state? Or what if, since you didn't successfully complete your life, you are forced to reincarnate again and start all over. Boy that would really suck. You are already about 25% through your life, so at least that's progress. But if you had to start at the beginning again, you are basically adding another 20 years of what you're feeling. Once you give up on living the traditional life, the plan B version becomes looking for answers. Try to figure out where your feelings originated, why things are the way they are, and ultimately search for truth. | ||
|
Servius_Fulvius
United States947 Posts
On February 19 2013 07:49 ImAbstracT wrote: http://www.suicidehotlines.com/ Not posting this to be funny. I know people who have turned to these before, and it has helped them out. If OP would rather type, then there's www.crisischat.org. Regardless, this is a cry for help, which shows a desire to live. OP, please, talk to someone: family, friends, internet friends, random strangers, or even a professional. Trust me, I take calls for a local crisis line and it helps IMMENSELY to get everything off your chest. | ||
BigFan
TLADT24920 Posts
Do these small talks, you'll be able to overcome the first part of it. Then try to expand on that but you need to talk to more people. Once you get more comfortable with talking to people, you can look for a job then move on from there. I suggest you use the links above if you feel you need to talk to someone and get everything off your chest. I worked with a crisis line like Servius_Fulvius and everyone I talked to is relieved when they talk about their problems. It gives them a chance to vent, get a different perspective and work at the problem. Don't give up! GL! | ||
|
Suichoy
Canada397 Posts
I was asking myself "What makes a person worthy of respect? What is it a person can do in his life to make it a worthwhile and honorable one?" And I realized that all along I had been under the assumption this had something to do with achievement, of possessing great skill, wealth, or status. But this is really not at all the case. What happens when you take a person and strip them of all skills, wealth and status? You are left with the bare soul, the essence of a person. If he then crumbles under adversity, then he was really not so great after all. It is only by directly testing the character of a person that you can really judge their worth. That means your value as a person is determined by what you can do when you have nothing, no advantages, no status, no special talents. And this is exactly the situation you have described. Your lack of development and achievement is meaningless when judging your worthiness as a human being. Your worthiness has everything to do with what you can make out of a shitty situation through the sheer strength of your spirit. You say you have nothing, but that means you have every opportunity to prove something to yourself. If you can find the resiliency of will and drive to, from your current situation, become a complete and fully realized human being, then you will have everything to live for. What I'm saying is that you can have all the social skills and scholastic achievement that you talk about, but the fact that you don't have it now has no bearing on your worth. If you can achieve these things that you want with no advantages gifted to you, as a late-bloomer, then you are greater than all those who simply coasted off the natural advantages given to them. | ||
|
iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
On February 19 2013 02:21 Scorpion77 wrote: i'm too socially anxious, there are so many basic things i cannot do, I went to the bakery for the first time in my life, alone, when i was 19, even though it is just across the road. it's probably been said already but the ability to socialize is a skill; in other words, you have to do it to get good at it. you have to force yourself to be around people and be uncomfortable for a while if you want to be comfortable around them. then, one day, it'll just click and you'll understand how to be social without being anxious. I've been in your shoes almost exactly .I was always a shut-in as a child and I did all of my high school online because I hated dealing with people, but when I graduated high school, I decided I was going to make things change. I started forcing myself to be social and gradually got more comfortable with it. Now, I'm pretty well known on campus and I have a large social circle. My social anxiety isn't completely gone, but it's absolutely better than it was when I was younger. TLDR, think of socializing as a skill, or even like a muscle. you gotta work it to make it strong. | ||
|
Scorpion77
98 Posts
| ||
|
TunK904
United States340 Posts
| ||
|
DoSu
Spain54 Posts
| ||
|
CHiPZ
Liechtenstein38 Posts
As for the issues you have listed, one problem I can see is that you cite not developing yourself during your teens as an issue. This confuses me as it is perfectly valid to develop yourself at your current age (as I am currently doing now) -- Battery running out, but for now, man i believe in you, just hang in there for longer. Quick edit: "i'm too socially anxious, there are so many basic things i cannot do, I went to the bakery for the first time in my life, alone, when i was 19, even though it is just across the road." To make you feel better, I haven't even done this till 19 either! If anything, your better than me so why give up now? | ||
|
Integra
Sweden5626 Posts
If you are honest about what you written in previous posts I would consider this as a pretty strong depression, specially since you are starting to feel that you no longer can relate to other human beings. Stop thinking or wondering and don't make any decisions for yourself without consulting someone else first. Go seek professional help, dial whatever emergency number your country has and tell them what you wrote here and get yourself to some sort of treatment. Again, unless this is a joke or a troll then this sounds like pretty severe and the only way for you to solve this is to go see professional help. Asking random people on some forum won't help you. | ||
|
QuanticHawk
United States32028 Posts
stop the self diagnosis too. you have no idea if what you're saying is true (probably not) and it's not like you'd know how to properly deal with it either. a psychiatrist can diagnose you, allow you to vent, help you develop coping methods and give you medicine if need be please for the love of god dont put your mental well being in the hands of some idiots in tl's blogs | ||
|
ApocAlypsE007
Israel1007 Posts
On February 19 2013 20:33 Scorpion77 wrote: What can I do to save myself? Start by reading THIS. This article is blunt, sad and cynical at times (But the "can you quack" video will put a smile on your face), but it is very true. You are judged by what you can do for people, you are judged by yourself and you are judged by others. Start doing something that will benefit other people. Say to yourself "By the end of the year, I want to know how to do this", and "this" can be many different things. For example: -You say you are a gaming addict, so you must be good at some games at least. Lets say your in Masters League in SC2. Start looking at the Strategy Forum for people who ask for help in their play, watch the replays and write what the person asking for help could have done better. -As some people mentioned, start hitting the Gym. You don't have to be very socializing, just set your goals and work on them. Don't be afraid to tell the instructor: "This is my 1st time at the Gym, please show me how to work out". -Start doing something like cooking or playing guitar. You don't have to learn in some schools or something, the internet is full of guides that you can learn from them yourself. You don't have to do everything at once, start with one thing at a time, and you self esteem will improve, and people will respect you despite your "lack of social skills", and most improtant, you will respect yourself, you will be proud of yourself for doing something for other people. Good luck, 20 years is a really young age and you have a full life ahead of you, don't cut it short. | ||
|
Frits
11782 Posts
| ||
|
Frits
11782 Posts
| ||
|
Archaeo
United States397 Posts
You should take the initiative to do something on your own, like seeing a therapist/doctor. You can express how you feel and get professional help on how you can deal with your mental health. Go for it, don't wait. | ||
|
iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
On February 19 2013 20:33 Scorpion77 wrote: guys, I've been living through other people. I think i have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I've been lying to my parents saying i've been doing good on my course when I am about to fail. I think their marriage is going to break down and my dad is going to abandon us - he is the breadwinner. I feel like a useless human, I don't see any way out for me. I am too anxious to even go to the gym, i don't know what to do - how to use the equipment, what to eat... I feel completely useless, this is not what a 20 yaer old should be worrying about - I stunted my teenage years by not socialising and learning the critical skills to succeed in the real world - now i am just drifting. i've grown up far too dependent on my mum - she does everything for me, she has completely controlled my upbringing and now i am a child - i feel like i can't make any independent decisions now. I've been overindulged, my mum is always doing things for me and now i have no intention of doing anything with my life. I think this is the end for me. I've become narcissistic and egotistical now, I don't relate to other humans. What can I do to save myself? a lot of people have already told you exactly what you need to do. if you want to tackle your anxiety and become a social person, the only way to do it is to get out there and force yourself into social situations that might be uncomfortable right now. it's not like you're just going to wake up one morning and say "wow, suddenly my anxiety is gone and I can be as social as I want to!" it doesn't work that way. as far as other issues, see a therapist. but you already know what the answer is when it comes to your anxiety. | ||
|
theBALLS
Singapore2935 Posts
| ||
|
Enki
United States2548 Posts
Honestly, take your moms advice and go to college for a bit and see where it takes you. It could do nothing like it did for me or it could lead you a bit into what you want to do with your life. Don't give up so easily. | ||
|
gamingaddictmike
Canada30 Posts
I think it is worth noting that a lot of the big names in our community may not have suffered from mental illness, but certainly did not seem to spend their youth in the conventional way. Artosis in particular comes to mind as someone who describes his life as being starcraft focused, and remaining a late bloomer to dating etc. Yet he turned out fine, well liked, and successful. My cousin committed suicide and I couldn't help but realize how much of a terrible waste that was, despite feeling those same thoughts myself for much of the following years. I guess all I can say is good luck with your struggles, and pursue treatment. It can make a world of difference. Don't let other people sell you short. They can't understand the stresses you go through. More importantly, don't let yourself be your greatest enemy, I know it is hard but try not to look at yourself and your life in such a negative light. Asking for support through this website is another step forward into trying to get your life together and I really respect you for that If you need other support message me | ||
|
AmorFatiAbyss
51 Posts
I have bad news OP. It gets worse. Much worse. Then, once you really accept your own death, things get a little better, and you can stop worrying about building up a house that is just going to burn down. Your only real hope is drugs. Don't listen to these ignorant people who say "just do and feel differently than your biology mandates." I know talking to a doctor or psychiatrist sounds like hell, but the alternative is a life of misery. Maybe they can prescribe something that will improve your behavior and outlook on life, and make you less SA. Everything is worth a shot when you have nothing to lose. | ||
|
Burrfoot
United States1176 Posts
| ||
|
iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
On February 20 2013 04:02 AmorFatiAbyss wrote: I felt the same exact way when I was 20. I have bad news OP. It gets worse. Much worse. Then, once you really accept your own death, things get a little better, and you can stop worrying about building up a house that is just going to burn down. Your only real hope is drugs. Don't listen to these ignorant people who say "just do and feel differently than your biology mandates." I know talking to a doctor or psychiatrist sounds like hell, but the alternative is a life of misery. Maybe they can prescribe something that will improve your behavior and outlook on life, and make you less SA. Everything is worth a shot when you have nothing to lose. I hope you're kidding, dude. Medication isn't the answer to everything; in fact, a lot of the time it just makes things worse because we're talking about really sensitive brain chemicals here and it's very difficult to get the meds "just right" for a person. Also, your "don't go against what your biology mandates" position would get you laughed out of just about any serious meeting or group of people who actually have experience dealing with/treating anxiety. You can't just "medicate" anxiety away because there's almost always an underlying cause that needs to be dealt with. For example, lack of confidence. Coming from my own personal experience and the experience of maaaaannny others, the best way to deal with social anxiety is to just get out there and take it head on. Then you realize it isn't so bad and you can at least function with it. | ||
|
Frits
11782 Posts
On February 20 2013 04:02 AmorFatiAbyss wrote: I felt the same exact way when I was 20. I have bad news OP. It gets worse. Much worse. Then, once you really accept your own death, things get a little better, and you can stop worrying about building up a house that is just going to burn down. Your only real hope is drugs. Don't listen to these ignorant people who say "just do and feel differently than your biology mandates." I know talking to a doctor or psychiatrist sounds like hell, but the alternative is a life of misery. Maybe they can prescribe something that will improve your behavior and outlook on life, and make you less SA. Everything is worth a shot when you have nothing to lose. Drugs are definitely not the only answer, cognitive therapy has been found to be just as effective in many cases. Usually a mix is most effective, and drugs only have to be temporary. | ||
|
QuanticHawk
United States32028 Posts
On February 20 2013 06:56 iamahydralisk wrote: I hope you're kidding, dude. Medication isn't the answer to everything; in fact, a lot of the time it just makes things worse because we're talking about really sensitive brain chemicals here and it's very difficult to get the meds "just right" for a person. Also, your "don't go against what your biology mandates" position would get you laughed out of just about any serious meeting or group of people who actually have experience dealing with/treating anxiety. You can't just "medicate" anxiety away because there's almost always an underlying cause that needs to be dealt with. For example, lack of confidence. Coming from my own personal experience and the experience of maaaaannny others, the best way to deal with social anxiety is to just get out there and take it head on. Then you realize it isn't so bad and you can at least function with it. medication isnt the answer to everything for sure, but when he's talkign about suicide, the answer is no long just go out there and take it head on. it's way past the stage of managing it yourself when you're thinking that | ||
| ||
