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Is a single relationship worth multiple friendships?
The first thing I think of when someone mentions anything related to relationships is extremely spicy food. It's exciting and awesome when you first eat it, but it eventually just becomes a fiery stream of lava in the morning. And then the burning sensation in the asshole sticks with you for a couple of days while your friends wear gas masks before going into the bathroom.
I mean, I can't say relationships are bad because they have a lot of perks, but being in college, I can't picture myself sticking with one girl long term..that is, that breaking up is inevitable. And with every break up, there is always a group of friends that gets split.
People call me a wuss cause I don't ask anyone out and I generally tend to avoid relationships. The reason for this is because I value friendships over my relationships. I don't think the perks of relationships are worth more than several good friends. And through high school, I had to carefully select people to hangout with because of their past relationship issues. I hated dealing with that, and I don't want to do that to other people.
Just as an example...One of my really close chick friends wanted to drink at my place one day, but her ex lives here too. They were on bad terms at the time, and we couldn't drink at her place cause her roommate hates liquor and had friends over. I had to kick my own roommate out just so the awkwardness wouldn't overwhelm the room.
I still can't really forgive myself for doing that...but he said he was cool about it and left willingly. But if I didn't kick him out, what then? He locks himself in his room while I throw a party and drink with his ex and her friends?
Then again, I've never been in a real relationship before, so I wouldn't know if the grass is greener on the other side. All I know, is that there's plenty of grass for me on the side I'm on right now, and that people who come back from the other side seem to lose more than what they gained by going over in the first place.
Plus, liquor and drunk girls gives me what I can't get from normal friends.
And I really hate dealing with drama.
Is it worth the risk?
 
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You'll never know until you actually get into a relationship. Reality is relative.
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I don't know about you, but I feel you can always have the best of two worlds. I recently got into a new, solid relationship but I also put an effort to maintain relationship with handful of close friends -- most likely, i will remain friends with these bros for the rest of my life (less sure about that with the girl, just due to nature of relationships).
And you can even do both at the same time ! -- double date with your friend with a gf FTW
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I'm usually a lurker in here, so I logged just to answer to this blog. I hope you'll find it helpful.
I can only tell from my personal experience: I have a group of close friends that keeps together from highschool, and now we are in the same college. We know each other for almost 9 years. None of us really had a girlfriend, and 4 months ago I got in a relationship for the first time, with a girl that's in the same choir as me. My time with my friends got kinda reduced, partly due to her, partly due to sickness and college obligations. I plan on keeping them as friends for sure. The point is, my girlfriend and I told each other that we shouldn't sacrifice our friendships. There's time for everyone. You shouldn't make possible girlfriend choose between her and she shouldn't do the same to you. From their perspective, we sorta had an agreement that when relationships would start happen, the girl would be sort of a priority over friends. It was a joke to a degree, but it shows certain understanding of the whole situation. Your focus shifts, it is a major change in your life. I'd also say when you do get in a relationship, you should go all in. Not in an unhealthy way tho. That's part of me being idealistic, but I'd say it's worth it. When it comes to breakups, haven't experienced one yet... We have common friends in the choir, so we do go on occasional double date, and yeah, it's fun. Also can't say about ex-people domain, but I'd say the chances that you'll run into awkward situations regarding ex-relationships shouldn't worry you too much.
TL;DR version: you shouldn't sacrifice your friends or your relationship for the sake of either side, with a bit of understanding and time management, there's time for everyone.
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There is way too much subjectivity and specific circumstances to say which is actually better. There definitely isn't a fast rule in regards to it though.
You kind of have to look at it from the standpoint of where your life is and where it's going. My core group of friends from childhood, through high school and after they went off to university, we're now all over the place. We ceased being close friends a long time ago. There was no fight, no issue that got in between any of us, we just all grew up and had our lives change.
If you're incredibly close with these friends you have, and you can see them being an integral part of your life no matter what may happen to you, then you might have to wait for a relationship where they can "approve" of and be part of your new direction. If, however, your friends are just a part-time thing and you're not all that close, starting a new direction and perhaps getting introduced to new potential friends along with your relationship might be better.
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On February 18 2013 02:42 imBLIND wrote:
Is a single relationship worth multiple friendships?
The first thing I think of when someone mentions anything related to relationships is extremely spicy food. It's exciting and awesome when you first eat it, but it eventually just becomes a fiery stream of lava in the morning. And then the burning sensation in the asshole sticks with you for a couple of days while your friends wear gas masks before going into the bathroom.
I mean, I can't say relationships are bad because they have a lot of perks, but being in college, I can't picture myself sticking with one girl long term..that is, that breaking up is inevitable. And with every break up, there is always a group of friends that gets split.
People call me a wuss cause I don't ask anyone out and I generally tend to avoid relationships. The reason for this is because I value friendships over my relationships. I don't think the perks of relationships are worth more than several good friends. And through high school, I had to carefully select people to hangout with because of their past relationship issues. I hated dealing with that, and I don't want to do that to other people.
Just as an example...One of my really close chick friends wanted to drink at my place one day, but her ex lives here too. They were on bad terms at the time, and we couldn't drink at her place cause her roommate hates liquor and had friends over. I had to kick my own roommate out just so the awkwardness wouldn't overwhelm the room.
I still can't really forgive myself for doing that...but he said he was cool about it and left willingly. But if I didn't kick him out, what then? He locks himself in his room while I throw a party and drink with his ex and her friends?
Then again, I've never been in a real relationship before, so I wouldn't know if the grass is greener on the other side. All I know, is that there's plenty of grass for me on the side I'm on right now, and that people who come back from the other side seem to lose more than what they gained by going over in the first place.
Plus, liquor and drunk girls gives me what I can't get from normal friends.
And I really hate dealing with drama.
Is it worth the risk?
I think you're looking at this all wrong. Any romantic relationship should also be a friendship. You shouldn't be weighing the positives and negatives over having a romantic relationship with one person and friendship with others. You should weigh the friendship of each equally, and decided what to do from there. You can believe you love a girl all you want, but if your friends are close to you, or you enjoy their company and that's a problem for whoever you're romantically interested in - then you guys probably aren't that compatible, or your friends are shitty. Or maybe both your friends and your romantic interest are shitty which given that you should be friends with your romantic interest, should happen.
I think the reason people feel "tied down" in relationships is because they're not dating the right people. This could even be said for other friendships. I have friends I feel tied down to for various reasons, and quite honestly, I get annoyed with those people a lot because the reason it feels like I'm tied down is because they wear me out. I don't actually get a long with them well enough to put up with them and still be happy. It's extremely frustrating but I'm sure they think the same of me.
The point is that you should be weighing every friendship evenly, regardless of romantic interest involved or not, then make your decision from there.
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Huh? I think you're just being overly risk-averse. There's no reason that relationships need to negatively impact your existing circle of friends, as long as you don't date someone who's already friends with many of them and then are a dick to them and end the relationship poorly. That's all under your control.
Not dating anyone will certainly ensure that you keep most/all of your current friendships, sure. Dating someone will potentially gain you a super-mega-extreme new best friend, will at least in the short term gain you a whole bunch of new friends (your date's social circle), and again, unless you screw up, won't impact your current friends. If you break up, you'll most likely lose all of those new friendships, but you wouldn't have known those people in the first place anyway. Oh no, bummer.
Relationships are great.
HOWEVER, if "liquor and drunk girls gives me what I can't get from normal friends" and you're just in it for sex, then absolutely not, don't bother with relationships, they will be a waste of your time and your date's time. If you're looking for companionship that your friends don't deliver, then try relationships.
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Approaching with a friendship is way more comfortable than approaching directly for a relationship. I have had really good success with that!
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On February 18 2013 07:12 Iranon wrote:
Huh? I think you're just being overly risk-averse. There's no reason that relationships need to negatively impact your existing circle of friends, as long as you don't date someone who's already friends with many of them and then are a dick to them and end the relationship poorly. That's all under your control.
Not dating anyone will certainly ensure that you keep most/all of your current friendships, sure. Dating someone will potentially gain you a super-mega-extreme new best friend, will at least in the short term gain you a whole bunch of new friends (your date's social circle), and again, unless you screw up, won't impact your current friends. If you break up, you'll most likely lose all of those new friendships, but you wouldn't have known those people in the first place anyway. Oh no, bummer.
Relationships are great.
HOWEVER, if "liquor and drunk girls gives me what I can't get from normal friends" and you're just in it for sex, then absolutely not, don't bother with relationships, they will be a waste of your time and your date's time. If you're looking for companionship that your friends don't deliver, then try relationships.
Pretty much this. As long as you don't let your relationship screw up your close friendships, you should be ok.
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Norway28804 Posts
relationships aren't something you should be chasing or avoiding. they're something you enter if you meet someone cool enough who feels the same way about you, and they're something you leave if either you or the other one or both discontinues with the whole awesome positive emotions thingy for a sufficient amount of time.
I'll say one thing though. whereas the stereotypical Party Boy will oftentimes be very vocal about their sexual exploits and the awesomeness of single life, the greatness of serious relationships doesn't usually advertise as blatantly (especially not amongst male friends). For example, I am a married man. I'm loving it. But I'm not gonna tell stories to my friends about how last night when me and my wife were talking in bed we looked each other in the eyes for 15 seconds and felt a deep emotional connectivity impossible to explain or comprehend for those who haven't experienced it, because that's fucking boring to listen to, even though moments like that give me real, genuine feeling of warmth and comfort. I'm also not gonna tell stories about how last night I fucked my wife in the ass and then she gave me an awesome blowjob after which I came all over her hair and made her lick the cum of the walls while cleaning, also I was smoking a spliff while all that was happening, because even if that was a true happening I'd love my wife far too much to give stories of that type of detail to my friends whom also interact with her on a frequent basis.
However, if I happen to have fought with her recently, and it's making me distraught, or she yells at me in public, or maybe I have plans with her and I can't join whatever other people are doing, or whatever, then the relationshipy discontent is immediately made very apparent to every onlooker. whereas typical "single" sources of discontent, like feeling of lonelyness or inability to luck out with that one particular girl, or general worrying about how your hedonistic life approach is inherently self-destructive and will inevitably cause a mild depression, or whatever, are normally not shared as happily.
basically they can both be awesome and they can both be bad. but you do not know anything significant about how being in a relationship is before you enter a relationship. Hell, your first serious relationship is gonna teach you shitloads about _yourself_ which you never knew. but your whole worrying (honestly my impression was that this whole "im worried about ruining friendships and that keeps me from forming relationships" is a cop-out, and that the real reason is that no girl you've actually wanted a relationship with expressed that she wanted one with you to the degree where the two of you actually formed one) is kind of based around nothing substantial. if every guy you know who breaks up with a girl end up being incapable of spending time in the same room as that girl, then either the girl is "crazy" or the guy is "a dick", because mature people should normally be able to break up in a fairly civil manner. what should actually happen during and after a breakup is the following; the two of you stop hanging out together. when people go from loving to hating someone over a short period of time, that leads me to believe that they're emotionally immature and unstable, because that type of change is almost never warranted.
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