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Hi. I'm going to try and make this as simple as possible.
I've been going out with a girl recently and I really like her. She's genuinely sweet and I've cared about her for a while. She's different, or special, to me for sure. She goes to her dads every other weekend, so we don't see each other ever during those times, and we've been great, all happiness and all that good shit up until now. Her parents live seperately obviously, they're not married and I don't know if they were ever really together... her mum's German and she's a fairly usual and reasonable human being. So what's the catch?
Her dad's an ex-military nationalist fucking racist. At first I thought, he was just a lad, not my type of person but nothing I can't handle, but he let slip when we were walking by a palestine protest in town that he was an actual scumbag. It makes me really, really uncomfortable, because this is obviously not a political position like any other, he's not a liberal or a conservative or a moderate. He's a hateful racist. Before we left last time we were at town with him, I kid you not, he intentionally bought donuts with nuts for my girlfriends' little brother's friends, because "people with nut allergies are freaks anyway."
It's not necessarily a big deal, it's just that she's been away (over to him) for the last few days and, coincidently, I've been having a really shit last few days. I just got back from my relatives at only 8pm to talk to her on facebook today and basically she said "Sorry, I need to go, my dad feels neglected. Talk to you tommmorow." In other words, don't message me.
It feels like a pretty awkward situation for a couple of minor reasons.
1. She's been at his for days.
2. She doesn't live with him. There's a chance that he actually wanted custody of the kid and fought for it, but if he wanted to be there for her, he wouldn't live so far away. It may just be my biase, but it feels he'd rather have her spend time with him on the weekends in exchange for alcohol and money, and it's a little creepy.
3. I never felt so much that kids have this obligation to their parents... the way he doesn't want her to neglect him and she'll need to not talk to me because of this in the evening, in addition to my opinion in point number 2, sort of adds to this weird, creepy, sugar daddery thing...
I need you guys to tell me if I'm talking shit. I plan to bring this up with her over text tommorow either way, and just discuss how I feel because of these above ideas (maybe not the part about him being a creepy sugar daddy), but I know that it's possible I'm not being reasonable or rational because of the feelings I already have about him.
Thanks for reading and happy new year!
EDIT: Shit, forgot to think up and add in my witty girl blog title before I clicked post  oh well
  
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Sucky situation. Don't get involved. It will end with fighting. Only way it can work is if she disconnects from a dysfunctional father. That's just my two cents. I don't mean to hate or anything, but if this is realtalk, then my statement is realadvice.
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FWIW it's sort of an awkward choice of words to call him a sugar daddy, since that's a very specific slang term that refers (subjectively) to a young girl being in a relationship with a considerably older man for the money. As far as I know it's your gf and her actual dad, so it wouldn't be...you know... but I know what you're getting at, and at least to me it's quite dubious that they would be having THAT kind of a relationship :/
That being said it's still very sketchy and what have you, and your misgivings do have merit ><
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How much of this stuff about her father is fact and how much is conjecture?
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he sounds like a regular asshole. They exist everywhere in this world. Being truly honest with you here, this happens to a lot of us. I have not had the fun time of it dealing with people like this with my gf, but I have in other situations. Now, that said, the only way to deal with this dude is to just let him be. He will be a pain in your ass for a good long time, but you will win or you will walk; that is your choice and all things being the same, you will be better for either decision. He also isn't a sugar daddy, as Aeri said, js.
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It sounds like your talking him up to be a much bigger asshole then he probably is. A couple things I'd like to throw out there.
First, you can't change that her dad is her dad. Whether you like it or not, that's the way it is and the way it's always going to be. Now obviously I don't know much regarding the relationship she's had, but it seems pretty reasonable to me that a father who doesn't get to see their child every day would be a bit upset with their kid sitting on facebook talking to some 'random guy' instead of spending time with him. The reason I use the term 'random guy' is because depending on how old you are, and how serious her father interprets the relationship, he likely doesn't see you sticking around and ending up with his daughter. In his mind he was there first, he'll be around after, and even if he doesn't disapprove of the two of you being together, in his mind he should be more important.
In regards to the racism and nut allergy thing, I'm by no means attempting to justify the behavior or comments he made, however I think it's also important to consider why someone may have the point of view they do. In the case of her father, since you mentioned he was ex-military, it wouldn't surprise me that those tendencies may be product of his time of service. Many of the armed forces members I know personally are racist toward a particular group of people for a specific reason: they were fighting that particular group of people at one point and that group attempted to kill him. Again, I don't know what his military career entailed so I can't say this is the definitive reason, but I could certainly see it as a reason, especially if he appears to be racist toward one specific group of people. As far as the allergy thing goes, from what I understand the military will quite frequently preach about weakness, and how these weaknesses can cost you your life. In her father's eyes a nut allergy could be considered an incredible weakness by her father. Again, I'd just like to reiterate that I'm not attempting to defend or justify his point of view, only trying to offer some possible perspective. In the end if you're serious about the girl your with I'd encourage you to see if you can understand why he holds these views, and though you may not agree with them, understanding them and realizing it may be valid in his mind could help you cope with these behaviors much better.
Lastly, if you are serious about being with this girl, maybe take some solace in knowing her father won't be around as long as the two of you will be together. While it may be tough to deal with now, assuming good health for all, you should be able to outlast her dad's life, meaning at some point this won't even be an issue because he'll be gone.
And no, definitely don't mention anything about him being her sugar daddy. If you're getting that vibe then it certainly could be plausible there were some wrongdoings by her father when she was younger, or maybe could be ongoing, but imo the last thing you'd want to is cross that line unless you have some serious proof.
PS: Not for nothing, I certainly understand where you're coming from, but from an outside perspective reading the line "She's different or special or whatever" signals to me your relationship may not be as serious as you'd think, and worrying about daddy issues could probably be a secondary concern.
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You're not dating her dad. I think if you talk to her she'll agree he's racist.
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Have you had a serious conversation with her about her dad? If that's going to be a problem for you, you at least ought to talk to her about it, instead of just letting it mull over in your head.
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"People with nut allergies are freaks anyways." Maybe he's an aspiring comedian? :S
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seems like a shitty situation
situations dealing the father daughter dynamic are inherently very delicate, and you should tread very, VERY lightly.
i see two courses of action:
A) you avoid involving yourself in this situation because of obvious possible backlash from father AND daughter (their relationship, not yours)(also it might seem like you are a wedge being driven between dad/daughter, and that you are making things difficult, which you definitely do not want)
This is probably the safest bet, because if you choose to involve yourself in this you stand a good chance of looking like the bad guy, or causing some kind of confrontation.
The other option is:
B) you approach this situation very, VERY carefully, and gently express how you feel and the concerns you are having to your girl. do not ask for her to change anything with her father, because thats not really your place. if you want to effect this situation at all the first step is just communicating how you feel to your girl, and finding out exactly how she feels about the situation. from there you can decide another course of action, once you get some perspective. if you feel like you need more perspective , it may be possible to sit down with the father and broach the subject VEEEERRRY gently. (after youve talked to your girl of course)
(please note that your primary goal should never be to change the relationship between your girlfriend and her father in some way that makes you more comfortable. your primary goal should be to improve relations between father and daughter/making your girl happy/helping her dad see the light in some way. Selfish motives will only come around and fuck you in the ass later. Selfish motive= immoral course of action doomed to failure.)
Forgive my overuse of parentheses, remember that this is just my opinion, and good luck out there.^^
+ Show Spoiler +On December 31 2012 12:27 Battleaxe wrote:
And no, definitely don't mention anything about him being her sugar daddy. If you're getting that vibe then it certainly could be plausible there were some wrongdoings by her father when she was younger, or maybe could be ongoing, but imo the last thing you'd want to is cross that line unless you have some serious proof.
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Edit: what battleaxe mentioned is really quite important. if you bring that up your ass is grass, for lack of a better rhyme.
id like to reiterate : tread CAREFULLY. do not make accusations like this without some hard evidence.
Ps: these are the types of conversations that are best carried out in person, if at all possible
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On December 31 2012 15:17 MountainDewJunkie wrote:
"People with nut allergies are freaks anyways." Maybe he's an aspiring comedian? :S
No, he was perfectly serious. It's part of a whole mindset that partially revolves around contempt for anyone who you can classify as different. There's no real differences between black people, asians, or people with nut allergies in the eyes of a racist.
And yes, she knows and agrees that he's a racist, but that unfortunately doesn't help this the awkwardness of the whole situation or how it makes me feel.
And yes, I know what a sugar daddy actually is, I'm just saying that the fat old racist mysogonist who desperately wants attention from his 16 year old daughter who comes over to his house miles away on the weekends and he gives money and alcohol is very creepy.
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Tbh I wouldn't start about this, I'd just let her know I'm there for her if she needs help or wants to talk. The "talk to you tomorrow" text kinda said "I'm ok with his bs because he's my dad, don't get involved" if you ask me. It's her decision, don't push her even the slightest or she'll get mad at you.
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@Arcanefrost:
I appreciate your reply, however, responding to a blow-off from a girl with an "I'm here for you", even if it's as true as it is, spits out "abuse me. Don't respect me." Even a girl as nice as she is, anyone will be influenced subconsciously by this. Something I've come to believe is that if you want to be able to deal with your bad feelings, you need to be ready to tell the people you need to.
I'm not telling her not to visit her father, I'm just saying that he makes me extremely uncomfortable and that to be honest, I love her and I feel neglected if I come back from my relatives after having a shit few days and she cuts communication to fulfill an obligation that I don't see, and frankly creeps me out a whole lot.
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Update:
I told her everything. I told her I found him a creepy racist mysogonist and it really hurt to feel neglected by her so she could focus on someone who represented everything I hated.
She understood, btw, there's a reason I love her 
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On December 31 2012 22:06 Krakoskk wrote:Update: I told her everything. I told her I found him a creepy racist mysogonist and it really hurt to feel neglected by her so she could focus on someone who represented everything I hated. She understood, btw, there's a reason I love her
did you ask her where she was coming from or what she thought? or maybe why her dad was like that? or did you just gripe?
its really easy to just get something off your chest to make you feel better. understanding a situation is a little more tricky.
im not saying that you DID just gripe. i just hope that you didntXD Either way its cool that she was understanding, so i guess its fine no matter what.
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I agree with the above sentiment. Just calling him a douchebag racist sociopath for your own sake was probably not the best course of action. Would have been a good opportunity to ask her about her father, have her open up, understand her and him, shit like that, also. You're giving the TLDR of the confrontation, but I'm worried that you might be a little selfish on this one.
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Yes because a parent certainly enjoys their child talking to some little punk kid on facebook instead of spending quality time together they only have one every two weeks.
He is obviously hitting that GRL up LUL
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Yeah, I have to agree with what Gprime and MDJ are saying. It sounds a bit self-centered of you to drive the conversation that way. Take their advice on this one.
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On January 01 2013 12:09 Aerisky wrote:
Yeah, I have to agree with what Gprime and MDJ are saying. It sounds a bit self-centered of you to drive the conversation that way. Take their advice on this one.
Yes, it was self centered because it was about me. Me being hurt, me being extremely uncomfortable and me making sure that she knew and could handle my feelings about him. And she pretty much agrees :/ (though not exactly of course, she loves him.)
She did talk about other things and about their past a little and the dad's past a little, and it's fine. I just believe that when you love someone, you need to clear the air about this kind of stuff. A good relationship is one where you can both be self centered when you need to be and ready to understand them when they need it.
Ktimekiller is obviously completely ridiculous. His own daughter admitted that he's "pretty evil" to everyone but her and her brother, when I bluntly said he was as close to the personification as evil as possible for me. Its an issue, if we didn't talk about it, and discuss it, and make sure it was an open subject.
I Know where she was coming from. He's her fucking father. And I pretty much know why he's like that, racists tend to be fairly boring in that sense. I just had to tell her that I was hurt and I found that she could understand why. Obviously if she got all defensive and actually acted like she didn't care I was hurt, then it's pretty obvious it's a relationship that was set to go bad... but it's not how we work. Overall, despite any bad feelings or doubts or imperfections, I can find a warmth now in the apparent beautiful grace we share as a couple in surpassing that.
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Aww, yeah for sure. Good to hear that you had a good, open, and by all appearances enlightening conversation about this 
Best of luck to you and her, yo ^^
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EPT
