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I admit, I do not have many friends. I'm pretty introverted and enjoy being left to my own devices. Most of the friends that I have in school I would not really consider them as friends, per se. My relationships with them are purely superficial. They don't ask me about my problems or feelings, maybe because they don't bother, but I don't really care.
However, there is a huge amount of drama that is always surrounding them at any given time. I am confident many of you understand how the standard high school friendship works. Some guy doesn't like this particular persons face, somebody has a crush on someone and tells a close friend who tells everybody, so on and so forth. The whole lot of crap. I don't know whether I should be glad because I'm able to distance myself from all of that stuff or whether I should be be upset. Upon further consideration, I'm actually appreciative of the fact that I am void of such puerile nonsense.
Often, I act as an observer. People talk to me about their lives, and I don't talk about mine. I like to think I'm like Varys or Littlefinger. Maybe my friends are my friends because they treat me as someone who's always ready to listen, and I do. I certainly feel upset that I am unable to speak about my own troubles because it has been evident that my friends prefer to talk about their own.
From this, it has become exceedingly clear to me that in life, the only person you can truly rely on is your own. Is this kind of thinking selfish? I don't know for sure, but it has played out very well for me.
About a week ago, I started talking to myself in third-person, if that's what you can call it. I've managed to split my consciousness into two different variations of me. The optimist, I call Ezra. The pessimist, I call Max. I find that I do this quite often, even as I write this I'm conversing with Max. He's actually quite impartial most of the time if that makes any sense. I don't know how this started to be honest, but it's been quite a fun journey thus far. Maybe along the way I'll be able to create more and more variations of myself.
It does help with thinking things through rationally, and it's a good way of hiding behind the truth that you're so lonely.
Ronery.
Right?
Yeah.
 
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not sure what kind of response you're trying to get
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i don't think you are as introverted as you think, considering how many blogs you post  do a myers briggs or what it was called and see if you get an I or E ;P
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... Interesting. But I would recommend you not think yourself into a delusional state with your two internalized states. It's not a healthy coping mechanism, and can further your isolationist tendencies. I was somewhat similar in High School, although I think I fell on the extreme end of introversion - there were very few people I hung out with and not many more that I really talked with. And then sometime in college I suffered a psychotic episode. Thinking about being lonely is depressing (although I've had issues with depression since around middle school) and really not all that productive. It's good to be a sounding board for others, but you really should be on the lookout for people that will also listen to you.
Oh, and optimism/pessimism is a horrible dichotomy to go with. Both of them will be wrong all the time, because life is a middle ground. If you're not all that keen on the "friends" you have now, try to learn how to make new ones and keep looking. And you might be surprised by the ones around you - it could be a perception issue.
Then again, y'know what? Fuck it. Go get some chicken and rice. Focus on the positive things in your life, and don't get too caught up in the things that suck. Yeah, they suck, but that changes and things can always get better. Plus, if you're location tag is correct, you're in one hell of a citystatecountry and I'm betting you can find better things to do with your time. Like going out and maybe finding the friends you're looking for.
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I always saw friendship as a very important aspect of my life. I can't stand to be alone because the idea of being "rejected" scares me. I fit in quite well and get along with the most people I can because you never know when you would need their help. I choose who I become "talking buddy" with. I use "talking buddy" because like you said, all they do is talk and do not care about what you have to say. There are alot of people who are selfish and you must learn to deal with them to survive in this world. True friends that are like family are extremely hard to find, especially when you are still in highschool. Give yourself time to understand your friends and yourself because one day, something might happen that will make your bonds much more meaningful. You should never give up on friendship and belive that you can survive without anyone else.
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Okay, er. I don't care how introverted you are - creating fictional personas in your head is not something you should be doing because you are essentially trying to create yourself a mental illness.
You're an introvert and an attention seeker - I know because I was exactly the same, always wanted to be different and prove myself above all the rowdy babble while at the same time desperately wishing I was at least party to it all. Go and get help for your issues, the earlier the better.
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I agree with evangelist.
Deep down, I feel like you are going through a "bitch phase" of adolescence. I wouldn't say what you are going through is emo but you kinda fit the negative teenager image. It's a bad thing because you are not enjoying the full potential of your life.
I think we all go through difficult times but those who refuse to move on suffer the most so please find what's making you so miserable and cheer yourself up. Your life does not matter to the internet but I'm sure your parents care and any parent if the world would worry knowing their child is creating alter egos.
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I loved that observer position back in school. Even today, despite being much more "social" and "outgoing" I still love it - I just talk random crap while doing it now. =P
Okay, er. I don't care how introverted you are - creating fictional personas in your head is not something you should be doing because you are essentially trying to create yourself a mental illness.
It depends. Lots of people had/have invisible friends and don't turn nuts. Imagining how a certain completely idealized person would act or think in certain situations is also a great tool to have. The only person knowing if you're actually hearing voices or creating inner dialogues is you.
Keep an eye or two on it.
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my first and only time on shrooms i was in a room by myself playing braid and my friends who were smoking weed in the other room were talking among themselves about how they can't tell if i truly think of them as friends and about the different ways i am socially awkward. a few weeks later i missed my electricity payment and for about a week i had nothing to do after work except come home to sit in darkness. i didnt have a working phone either because i had thrown it against a wall at some point early on the week. so pretty much all i did for that week was sit in darkness reliving the memory of tripping on shrooms while having friends talk about things that i am of course extremely insecure about. it's been suggested to me (not diagnosed because i didnt go to enough sessions to get that far) that i may be schizophrenic and a few other things that all my pot smoking wont let me remember. i also had this last part on my mind during that dark week and i don't know how i made it through. there were several times i was just sitting on my bed in a room too dark to see my hand in front of my face and i was wondering for hours on end if i was (socially) a lost cause, if i was schizophrenic, and other such nerve-racking things. instead of saving my money to try and pay rent and get my power back on, i spent all the remaining money i had on enough food and tobacco to last a few days and i bought a shit load of weed. i managed to get a hold of a different set of friends and offered to smoke them out until they literally had to stop, and for 2 nights we smoked from about 11pm to 7am. this sounds like an incredibly irresponsible decision but when i think back on it it's possible that those nights prevented me from doing...you know...bad stuff.
i'm not sure why i'm relating all this to you because i've never articulated this story to anyone, in fact as i re-read the first paragraph my hands started trembling. i think those nights were some of my lowest moments but i made it through them; high school is rough but just know that everyone else is probably just as insecure as you are. deep down, no matter the reasons why, we all experience mostly the same emotions so if you look hard enough you can see your own pains, frustrations, and insecurities in people you think you have nothing in common with.
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On July 20 2012 19:14 r.Evo wrote:I loved that observer position back in school. Even today, despite being much more "social" and "outgoing" I still love it - I just talk random crap while doing it now. =P Show nested quote +Okay, er. I don't care how introverted you are - creating fictional personas in your head is not something you should be doing because you are essentially trying to create yourself a mental illness. It depends. Lots of people had/have invisible friends and don't turn nuts. Imagining how a certain completely idealized person would act or think in certain situations is also a great tool to have. The only person knowing if you're actually hearing voices or creating inner dialogues is you. Keep an eye or two on it.
Yeah, I sometimes talk to myself as a way of rationalising thought processes. That's quite normal. I don't name that voice though or decide to have open dialogues with it.
I'd also note I still don't engage in the bitchfest nonsense, but that's because these days instead of sitting by idly and watching people being assholes to each other, I call them out on it with my newfound confidence. This is why I say our friend here needs to get some help for his issues because it is very easy to enjoy life with the same outlook, but without the unhealthy BS that he's going through.
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If you were more extroverted, things might turn for the better, have you thought about that?
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it's not about how many friends you have but how many of them you can identify as true friends. they are hard to come by and you'll eventually learn to treasure them as you grow older. don't concern yourself with the silly high school popularity contests but rather try to get to know as many people as possible, i can tell you that once you graduate from college and enter the work force, finding friends is a lot harder so don't waste these opportunities when you're still young.
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On July 20 2012 19:39 Evangelist wrote:Show nested quote +On July 20 2012 19:14 r.Evo wrote:I loved that observer position back in school. Even today, despite being much more "social" and "outgoing" I still love it - I just talk random crap while doing it now. =P Okay, er. I don't care how introverted you are - creating fictional personas in your head is not something you should be doing because you are essentially trying to create yourself a mental illness. It depends. Lots of people had/have invisible friends and don't turn nuts. Imagining how a certain completely idealized person would act or think in certain situations is also a great tool to have. The only person knowing if you're actually hearing voices or creating inner dialogues is you. Keep an eye or two on it. Yeah, I sometimes talk to myself as a way of rationalising thought processes. That's quite normal. I don't name that voice though or decide to have open dialogues with it. I'd also note I still don't engage in the bitchfest nonsense, but that's because these days instead of sitting by idly and watching people being assholes to each other, I call them out on it with my newfound confidence. This is why I say our friend here needs to get some help for his issues because it is very easy to enjoy life with the same outlook, but without the unhealthy BS that he's going through.
Agree. To me it sounded as if you wanted to send him to a psych doctor immediately at first. All good now. =P
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On July 20 2012 20:46 JoeSchmoe wrote:
it's not about how many friends you have but how many of them you can identify as true friends. they are hard to come by and you'll eventually learn to treasure them as you grow older. don't concern yourself with the silly high school popularity contests but rather try to get to know as many people as possible, i can tell you that once you graduate from college and enter the work force, finding friends is a lot harder so don't waste these opportunities when you're still young.
I agree with this post 100%.
I understand it is quite difficult for you to sometimes voice your own problems and feelings out, which can be difficult for people sometimes to articulate, but I don't believe that creating personalities to deal with them are the correct way.
I know what you mean though. Sometimes you have a problem, and the only way you can deal with it is internalising the situation in your own head, but "talking" with multiple personalities makes me worried that it could lead to potential mental health issues. But similarly, at the same time, bottling up your worries and fears aren't going to help either.
I'm sorry, I don't know the OP too well, but do you Skype or IM a lot? Sometimes, all you need is a person over the internet who doesn't know you, doesn't judge, and can just sit and listen. Because that's all it takes sometimes 
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I'm going to need awhile to think about all this.
Skype : anorneryowl
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real friends are very rare but they do exist.
I'm 22 and I only had/have one true friend. But we are friends for 10 years now and probably will stay for as long as we live...
So don't give up your hope, and you are on a good way, because you know a lot about the "common friends" which are just doing something with you so that they get something out of it. Also you probably don't get bored easy as fuck if you are alone for a short time if you are alone like most people, because you have experience.
If you are lonely don't try to hide that feeling but deal with it.
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It is definitely true that the best person that you can rely on is yourself. Failing that, if you have a good one, there is no better rock than family. I am very fortunate in that regard, and I wish everyone had what I have. The truth of the matter is in a world with so much divorce and neglect and parental selfishness, very few have the kind of family that I have been blessed with. Family means everything in determining the quality of people's lives.
For friends, they are entertainment, and most friends come and go. The real friends are those that you can rely on almost as much as family. Those are the ones that stick around through the many years of life, going away for a time but always coming back. You may argue and feud, but the truest friends stick around while the poor ones fall by the wayside. You should care very little about those people, because they probably care little for you too. It's not a nice thought, but it's probably the reality - real friends want what is good for you.
In my life I've had many challenges, and fortunately few hard times, but in any of my low points my real friends were there to comfort me and offer their support. Even when I experienced my greatest betrayal, my good friends offered their help if I needed it (although I was loath to burden them, and in the end confided in only a couple of my closest friends). My best friends even yelled at me to make sure I chose the right path in life, and thank the gods I listened. At my high points, they all offered their congratuations too. Those are true friends.
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- True friends are hard to get.
I understand that.
But does anybody really have a problem with Max? I mean, what's the problem?
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Splitting your personality in to two halves is very interesting. I always wonder how happy a psychologist would be if he stumbled upon some of these blogs on TL.
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Please don't do it. I did this a long time ago to keep my self-hatred at bay, but it really did a number on my psyche. All you end up doing is disassociating from yourself and spiral further into depression and loneliness. I can't quite describe it, but I got to the point where I have to wage this stupid war with myself everyday just to fend off the mind-forged machine that used to keep me stable. It probably won't get to that for you, I guess it just depends on why you're doing it.
On the other hand, the other reason I started creating more inner-personas was to enhance my ability to think. In a way you can use the inner dialogue as a queue, as a situation arises that needs one member you call upon them, which elicits the neurological response of shifting into another mind set, for example, the analytical observer. Then the emotive romanticist might break into the discussion, exclaiming about the person's emotional needs. The council, if you will, deliberates and considers the best course of action. In this way I think our lives can become much more fulfilled and understood.
So I don't know if I'm making any sense, and I don't know what to recommend. There are advantages, but there are as well disadvantages. Be sure the latter is not your primary reason for the choice.
I myself only have 1 friend left, 3 years into college. I spend entire days without speaking one word to anyone. At least I'm typing and writing, but, it's just not the same as having the warmth and comfort of another person. Someone you can depend on, someone you trust. Someone you feel free with and who makes you happy. Alas, slipping further into isolation will only drive me away from this.
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On July 22 2012 20:20 Roe wrote:
Please don't do it. I did this a long time ago to keep my self-hatred at bay, but it really did a number on my psyche. All you end up doing is disassociating from yourself and spiral further into depression and loneliness. I can't quite describe it, but I got to the point where I have to wage this stupid war with myself everyday just to fend off the mind-forged machine that used to keep me stable. It probably won't get to that for you, I guess it just depends on why you're doing it.
On the other hand, the other reason I started creating more inner-personas was to enhance my ability to think. In a way you can use the inner dialogue as a queue, as a situation arises that needs one member you call upon them, which elicits the neurological response of shifting into another mind set, for example, the analytical observer. Then the emotive romanticist might break into the discussion, exclaiming about the person's emotional needs. The council, if you will, deliberates and considers the best course of action. In this way I think our lives can become much more fulfilled and understood.
So I don't know if I'm making any sense, and I don't know what to recommend. There are advantages, but there are as well disadvantages. Be sure the latter is not your primary reason for the choice.
I myself only have 1 friend left, 3 years into college. I spend entire days without speaking one word to anyone. At least I'm typing and writing, but, it's just not the same as having the warmth and comfort of another person. Someone you can depend on, someone you trust. Someone you feel free with and who makes you happy. Alas, slipping further into isolation will only drive me away from this.
I think I get what you're trying to get across. Max is usually the self-loathing one, saying "You're a fucking worthless piece of dogshit." and Ezra is the one going "But, but but...".
But it does help me think through things with a nice analytical pace though.
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EPT
