I hate those fucking words. I'm sick of hearing I'm sorry and I'm sick of saying I'm sorry. Above all, I'm sick of feeling sorry, for other people and for myself.
The last couple of years have been a mess for me. I feel like I'm just a kid but I'm looking into a life with more fear than I can cope with right now. It seems like a harder and harder fight to keep my head above water and the harder every day gets on my psyche, the more I crave for the emotional narcotic of a love that can make the sickness of fear that seemed to grab my soul as I aged become something I can handle again. But it's stupid and though I'm not naive' enough to not know that, I'm not strong enough to play that game right.
I know that the only people here for me are my parents, but the worse it seems to get, the harder the idea of really talking to them becomes. They're great and I'm already enough of a burden on the people in this world. For the first time, I'm wanting to really be alone.
For the first time, I wish that I could cut off from knowing everyone. If I can't fix this myself, then I don't deserve the hope that I always seem to hang onto.
I've been hurt, of course I've been hurt, but if anything I actually feel a warmth that I didn't feel before in this situation. If anything, I feel less angst. Less fear, in a way. Maybe because I've shared the happiness that can bring incredible beauty into a life and felt it leave, but I know I'm still around to contemplate it.
Bluntly said, what I'm afraid of is death. I'm afraid of losing the people who I do know and I'm afraid of living lonely and scared of the end. I know how to deal with it, in my mind, but it feels like I'm just not ready for any of this... it was so near that I was just a little kid.
I'm approaching sixteen now and think about what my mother's said about her own mum's manic depressive disorder and I have to consider the prospect of myself being pathologically emotional, unbalanced. If I were to consider it more, it's because I know that nobody deserves to have to deal with how I am today, not even myself but I have a much harder time writing that. Is everyone else fake or am I just fucked up? I really don't know the answer to that one.
I just know that, either way, for better or worse, somehow, something has to change in my life, because this is not how it's supposed to be.
Thanks, Love, Tom. I apologize for the mess you had to read but I woke up feeling like this, after the last few days , and I need a place to put my thoughts, however jumbled, incoherent and random they are, or however much I don't like them, or how I said them myself.
EDIT: ughh, its 10 am and I feel so sick to my fucking stomach right now, I can't sleep. I don't know what to fucking do, I need a pill or something I just want the feeling gone, it feels like an illness that never goes away.
"That sick feeling in my stomach starts to leave my heart and soul infected. I won't accept it. I do my best to reject patterns 'til it hurts, every second makin' bad turns for the worse." ~ Sage Francis
you mention manic depression - this stuff is largely influenced by hormones. I know it's a bit of a cop out and probably not what you want to hear, but with approaching sixteen you are right in the middle of puberty where your homones are all over the place, which is exactly why teenagers are often described as unbearable and often go through depressed / suicidal phases as well, and you are just starting to get grips on the world. And increasingly distancing oneself from ones parents is perfectly normal during that age as well.
The sad and simple truth is that to a certain degree you really just can not trust how you feel (i'm gonna get beaten for saying this i think^^). Your psyche will adapt to your changing body, you will "harden" emotionally over time and it will all get better, but right now you really can not do anything but endure and learn to cope with these feelings. If it really is bad, you can try to do some introspection on them, think really hard about why X is so bad and what would make Y hurt less etc, and if it's really really bad you should consider getting professional help from a shrink. But to get an objective opinion you will have to ask people who know you very well in real life, because no one on the internet could possibly have a correct impression about you from reading some of your writing.
I know that at least most of that is right, but right now It's still harder than anything I could have imagined coping with and I wish I could just really feel the change that's supposed to come and the happiness that I should feel, without being stupid. without getting attached to people or getting lonely with the attachment to the idea of others. It feels like it's been far too long and It's difficult to keep waiting for.
I apprecciate your post. I'm still fighting. Why do I come out of heartbreak feeling like I'm a more positive person? I still don't feel the self worth I think I need to though.
Faith is harder to swallow than pride it, turns our throats black I want my home back. I know that's not an available option It's the way that I'm walking in between the cradle and coffin
That makes me pace myself. if half the battle is done right The other half won't take my health while jacking my shadow's sunlight To crack it open and find the space between my breaths are desolate Life is just a lie with an "f" in it and death is definite
But after I scratched the surface I never saw the calm before the storm act so nervous When a boy writes off the world it's done with sloppy misspelled words if A girl writes off the world it's done in cursive
On July 19 2012 21:27 Sinensis wrote: You should try being friends with someone older than you that you have things in common with. Maybe they can help.
I do try. fuck sake I'd give anything to sleep these days away. I fucking hate sitting here all day doing nothing but feeling like this, waiting until someone will log on facebook or whatever and I can ask them how they're doing.
a sad song written by someone who felt a lot like you only so much worse and because of a mix of relationship problems, drug abuse, and a rough past he allegedly ended up killing himself. knife in the heart, twice. however, that doesn't make the song any less beautiful than if it was about happy stuff, so the lesson i take from it is that shitty parts of your life can be just as valuable as the other parts if you have the right perspective. if you spend your whole life eating ice cream and having sex every day and that's all that ever happens to you, when you are old you will look back and think, "what a boring shitty life i've had."
i went to a psychiatrist for several sessions and was told i may have schizophrenic tendencies (dont remember exact wording) and several other things that i know about, like potential for alcohol/drug abuse, depression, self destructiveness, etc. dont really know what i'm gonna do about all that because continuing seeking "professional" help costs more than i can afford, so i've kinda just decided to try to be as clear headed and non judgemental as possible, i've stopped the heavy drinking and i havent gotten high, done shrooms, or anything like that for a few months now. is it working, idk.
if you are interested in gaining a different and interesting perspective on things you should watch i heart huckabees, preferably several times.
No offence but I think I already listen to enough depressed/ dead / suicidal artists.
and what you said above sort of missed the mark. I don't think that you could say the same about someone who just met an amazing person who they loved and they stayed together until the end, that they would look back and say that, which is more relevant, because i can get plenty of ice cream myself if I want to.
On July 20 2012 07:02 EnE wrote: No offence but I think I already listen to enough depressed/ dead / suicidal artists.
and what you said above sort of missed the mark. I don't think that you could say the same about someone who just met an amazing person who they loved and they stayed together until the end, that they would look back and say that, which is more relevant, because i can get plenty of ice cream myself if I want to.
sorry i dont understand your response. maybe you didnt understand mine either
On July 20 2012 07:02 EnE wrote: No offence but I think I already listen to enough depressed/ dead / suicidal artists.
and what you said above sort of missed the mark. I don't think that you could say the same about someone who just met an amazing person who they loved and they stayed together until the end, that they would look back and say that, which is more relevant, because i can get plenty of ice cream myself if I want to.
sorry i dont understand your response. maybe you didnt understand mine either
Hmm well you said that you need the bad in your life too and that you'd look back and say you just had a boring life, which is true if you're definition of a more happy life is eating ice cream and having sex all day, but otherwise I disagree.
It could be hormones or it could be genetics. You say that your grandmother was manically depressed? If so, that isn't good man....maybe consult a doctor? If it is hormones, then you don't have much to fear. When I was sixteen years old, I would drift off into my own world depressed as shit...and the only thing that kept me above water was WoW and family (I know, how sad). But, as I aged and got into college the depressed feeling disappeared and I felt "normal" again.
You should definitely see a professional though. I have cousins where depression runs in the family and if they did not see a professional and get treated, they could have potentially ended their lives.
if you're in the stormiest sea, as long as you hold onto your boat, you'll be fine.
when the world becomes dread and you realize being alone is a choice, remember, "this too shall pass."
it always does, and you'll be fine again. as long as you breathe you'll be fine again. you may feel you can't even reach out, you shouldn't, it's wrong. nobody should have to weather this storm with you, you're not worthy of it. the only time you're alone is if you don't speak. spill the words out simply, succinct, spill them out from your chest, don't mince them with your head and try to change what you actually mean. let them be, the full fury of your storm will merely break itself against your mother, your father, or whoever else, and they will be there to light your way.
don't fight it, don't question it, don't try to use your mind with it at all. there is no reason or control behind this. feel it, speak it, let it be, ride it out. hope will find you
EPT
