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I feel the need to share my (somewhat negative) experience of life in order to make it through. You don't have to read, and I beg you, please show at least a tiny bit of respect. P.s. - English isn't my first language.
Two years ago, back in the end of summer 2010, I was told by my father that his doctor claimed that he had some kind of illness or sickness. At that time, it wasn't discovered what it actually was. A few months later came the diagnosis, my father had been diagnosed with ALS (which, according to them, was "around" 94% accurate to his symptoms.).
Me at that time, started a new life in a new city. I was only 16 years old when I moved out and had to move away from home due to the fact that there was no high school close to where my parents were living. You see, "starting a new life in a new city" wasn't really that thrilling when the first thing you heard upon arrival of your new home was "Son, I'm sentenced for death.".
I spent the whole autumn of 2010 in denial of my father being ill at all. Even he did it, up until the symptoms was so clear that even he couldn't lie anymore. All I was doing was just keep focusing on studying.
But you cannot run from feelings forever. In February 2011, I realized that my father is actually dying. I developed something that is called insomnia. From February and up until at this very day, I've been dreaming nightmares of my dad dying in front of my eyes every time I sleep. And there's nothing that I can do to prevent him dying, even in the dreams - even in a state I'm in control of.
So basically, I stopped sleeping. Eventually, the doctors treated me with sleeping pills, benzodiazepines and what not to keep me "in shape", to "keep me normal", to "let my brain have some rest from all the trauma".
He died the 6th of July, 2011. There was more happening in between, but I shortened it a bit here to avoid making a huuuuge wall of text for a kind TL-user.
Just a week before he died, he was at the hospital doing a surgery to make it easier to breathe - to help him save energy instead of wasting it for keeping slime away from his throat. At that point in time the doctors told him that this surgery was easy to perform, and that he'd be just fine & even better after it. The first day after the surgery, everything seemed fine, everything seemed OK.
Then it got worse, horrible so. As days were passing and me & mom arguing how to make dad live the most comfortable at home, and during the time, my dad went from "very good" shape to "extremely bad". Every day, my mother visited my dad at the hospital. She always asked me if I wanted to come along. I always said no, and I told her that I'd have plenty of time to see him once he recovered from hospital (I had no idea about him getting worse, doctors didn't really say much at all). The truth is that I couldn't handle seeing him in this weakened state. I couldn't handle seeing what a disease has turned my father into in a hospital environment (I dislike hospitals quite a lot). I couldn't stare death right into its own eyes.
But then came the day of today, this day a year ago. My father went into an unconscious state, and quickly thereafter some organs started to shutdown. Then, the vital organs started to shutdown. The doctors couldn't do anything. They could revive him, but for what cost? "He cannot be cured, and unless he dies now, he'll suffer and most likely die getting choked by water in his own lungs." told a doctor to my mother, as she was at his side watching him helplessly.
I was just so.. blinded.. by my own fear. By my own brain. It didn't want me to know what was going on, even though everyone else around me saw it very clearly. Even today, I think my subconscious wans to believe that my father is still alive. There's been moments this year when I've had a thought of "hey, let's go visit mom and dad this weekend.. oh.. wait." or when I've woke up in a morning and called dad's cellphone to see if he was awake or what he was up to. No one ever answered his cellphone. Until the batteries died. Heartbreaking.
I needed to write this down somewhere to get some pain off my chest. I figured this would be a great place to put it in, since I know TL is a very friendly community - and my father loved watching StarCraft II. Sometimes, we could sit together and just look at MLG. He was so happy that time when Jinro won MLG back in 2010. God, I love that memory. And goddamnit, I miss him even more now.
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on the 9th it will be a year since my grandma passed away.She raised me because my parents are divorced and i owe pretty much anything in my life to her and my grandfather....i cried like a baby and till this day,almost a year later i cant help but feel she's somewhere here watching over me....and i dont believe in life after death,bro,but im sure theres a part of a person's energy that continues wandering in this world 
be strong dude,continue writing,because if that helps you,you should continue.
i still hope what they say is true....that time will heal.
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I read this whole blog with my hand over my mouth,
My sincerest empathy to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
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Holy crap.
That's terrible.
I can't actually. What. I'm crying.
I'm sorry man. I'm so sorry.
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Thanks for the condolences, guys. Yet another reason why I love this site & it's users.
Didn't even think anyone would see my post. Nevertheless, it felt great just writing it all off my heart.
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My dad died of leukemia when I was 4. I didn't see him dying, but I remember going into th hospital
with my mum and wondering why he wasn't waking up.
Just remember your dad wouldn't want you to spend all your time crying about him, he'd want you to live your life to the fullest .
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Hey, thanks for sharing your story. Life was tough and you were strong to share this with us. You personally provide inspiration to me and I want to thank you for that. Stay strong!
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My dad died in 2006. I understand how you feel, it never goes away.
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my dad passed away about a month ago. if you ever want to talk or anything shoot us a pm, there's not really anyone that can completely understand unless they've gone through the situation themselves.
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Hey man, thanks for sharing your story. It's important for us who've maybe never been affected by losing a parent to sit back and think sometimes about what's important in life, and I think your post is valuable for that.
If it helps even a tiny bit (and please don't think I'm trying to preach or convert you) I'd like to share my beliefs, because they're very positive. I believe that you'll see your father again in the near future, and all of us will see our loved ones in the near future. God (not sure if you believe in God) promises in the Bible to bring the dead back to life on Earth, and that gives me strength when I think about horrible things like death. I know that's a controversial topic, and I really don't want this thread to turn into a religious debate, but I think that my hope for the future is worth sharing.
I'd try to say something like 'I hope your pain goes away over time' but I think those words would be empty. Instead, I suppose I'll say be strong and hold on tight to those memories of him. Thanks for sharing your experiences
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Thanks for posting this, Wakerius. I'm sorry about your father and your situation.
I'm sure he'd like for you to think about happy memories with him, rather than the recent sadder ones
Good luck in the future; stay strong ♥
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United Kingdom1689 Posts
I have sat here for a good few minutes trying to think of something to say. But nothing in my mind is really good enough.
I'm sorry that this happened.
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this makes me so sad 
<3
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On July 06 2012 17:18 Kamwah wrote:
My dad died in 2006. I understand how you feel, it never goes away.
It never does, does it? I've been told by basically everyone that losing a parent or a child is very... unique when it comes to mourning them. It gets easier by time, but it won't go away.
I just wish I had the guts to visit him. But seeing him so mentally and physically torn apart was a pain itself. For that exact same reason, I barely visited home during 2011 when he was alive. I had the opportunity to be with him every weekend from january-june, yet I wasn't. That decision was, according to my psychologist, "an act of defense". She means that I grew and maintained a fear of my dad's disease so that I had a reason to stay away from it and ignore it. "You see, if the brain can't handle the truth, then it'll make sure that you'll never hear the truth." she told me.
It's funny though, because - according to myself, I was just being a weakminded, self-righteous coward and I'll live with this forever knowing that I refused to visit my own dad even though he was guaranteed a death within a year or two. It will remain a questionmark however, whether I actually have a heart, or just pretend to have one.
On July 06 2012 19:04 ImbaTosS wrote:
I have sat here for a good few minutes trying to think of something to say. But nothing in my mind is really good enough.
I'm sorry that this happened.
Don't worry, when someone of this much importance to one passes away, then the majority of one's friends do not know how to handle it. And by such, they simply handle it by not talking about it.
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On July 06 2012 20:06 Wakerius wrote:Show nested quote +On July 06 2012 17:18 Kamwah wrote:
My dad died in 2006. I understand how you feel, it never goes away. It never does, does it? I've been told by basically everyone that losing a parent or a child is very... unique when it comes to mourning them. It gets easier by time, but it won't go away. I just wish I had the guts to visit him. But seeing him so mentally and physically torn apart was a pain itself. For that exact same reason, I barely visited home during 2011 when he was alive. I had the opportunity to be with him every weekend from january-june, yet I wasn't. That decision was, according to my psychologist, "an act of defense". She means that I grew and maintained a fear of my dad's disease so that I had a reason to stay away from it and ignore it. "You see, if the brain can't handle the truth, then it'll make sure that you'll never hear the truth." she told me. It's funny though, because - according to myself, I was just being a weakminded, self-righteous coward and I'll live with this forever knowing that I refused to visit my own dad even though he was guaranteed a death within a year or two. It will remain a questionmark however, whether I actually have a heart, or just pretend to have one. Show nested quote +On July 06 2012 19:04 ImbaTosS wrote:
I have sat here for a good few minutes trying to think of something to say. But nothing in my mind is really good enough.
I'm sorry that this happened. Don't worry, when someone of this much importance to one passes away, then the majority of one's friends do not know how to handle it. And by such, they simply handle it by not talking about it.
Couple of days ago it was 10 years ago my dad passed away and it really never goes away... Though eventually you'll stop crying and it'll get easier.
I recommend atleast going to a psychologist or whatever just to talk about it. I didn't do it and I always thought I never needed it but in hindsight I totally closed myself up to other people and my social life wasn't as good as it should be. Only the past few years I've been getting it on track again.
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On July 06 2012 20:14 RvB wrote:
Couple of days ago it was 10 years ago my dad passed away and it really never goes away... Though eventually you'll stop crying and it'll get easier.
I recommend atleast going to a psychologist or whatever just to talk about it. I didn't do it and I always thought I never needed it but in hindsight I totally closed myself up to other people and my social life wasn't as good as it should be. Only the past few years I've been getting it on track again.
Sorry to hear, friend. Though you, as mathematically proven by math, has 10x more experience than I do in this, I will always offer my wholehearted support to anyone who's been through this hell. I don't want anyone to be on his/her own through something like this.
I really hope I didn't ruin anyone's day today by posting emotional stuff in the blogsection. If someone felt awesome before reading my blog and now feels like shit, then don't worry - I have a money-back guarantee.
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oh my god.
a friend of mine also lost her father when she was 12, losing mother or father before youre an adult is probably the most horrible experience ever.
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Such strength to share with others. I'm proud of you.
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FREEAGLELAND26781 Posts
Stay strong, mate. We're here for you.
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EPT
