EPTI´m lazy and I know it. I had rough times and I know those, too.
I "know" that I can´t do everything I am interested in. So my resolution is utter paralysis and not doing anything.
For those who read(probably misclicked?) and didn´t yet catch on, I will just write what comes to my mind. People say it helps getting directions in your thoughts.
And I need direction. I feel lost and directionless. My thought patterns become utter circle jerks sometimes. I have my pet project of writing a novel, for example. Wrote some outlines, background stuff, but I don´t feel it is fleshed out enough yet or that my writing style is good enough to satisfy myself. Anyway, sometimes I think up dialogue and exposition(books are basically lots of talking, duh) and I kept going back to the same line over and over in my mind. I am pretty sure that wouldn´t have happened had I written it.
The problem with writing though is, that my handwriting speed is god awful and that my wrist starts hurting in less than 40 minutes nonstopwriting. Especially since I thus far wrote most of my material on the train on the block in my lap.
I also keep procrastinating even from things I consider my hobbies. Which, to be honest, sound really pathetic to myself. Sort of like ladder anxiety in sc2. Only that I cannot play sc2 right now because of lack of pc(doesn´t matter now).
I planned to work on a variation of Mafia for TLMafia. While I doubt anyone from that forum is gonna read my blog or care about me, I probably had too high expectations from myself. It was supposed to be a breathtakingly awesome game etc. etc.
Instead my high standards and the part of my mind that judges what I see kept telling me that I am far from what I myself expect. If I had to guess my starting point was faulty. The first idea was to manipulate the game rules in a way so the exact opposite of the usual right thing is rewarded. Instead of telling the truth whenever possible, it was supposed to reward lying. There goes my awesome career as game designer. Can´t even get myself to make a game for which I need to do nothing but write a few paragraphs.
GM if you´re reading this I feel I let you down. Even though I am pretty sure you didn´t expect a magnum opus anyway.
Actually I would feel better if someone was actually disappointed in me. Why is no one ever disappointed?
I miss the time when I had the feeling people cared about what I do. My whole life I was content with just passing. I am highly intelligent and did get through most of school without ever touching a book at home. God sometimes I hate myself. For my laziness.
Tonight, I am pretty spiteful to the outside. And I am not sure why. I feel like venting, but I have nothing to vent at. I was never into shouting and yelling. More of a shove and wrestle person. I would get into many fights when I was younger. Lately I´ve been thinking the good feeling, the catharsis like professionals like to call it, did not only come from inflicting force upon others, but also from the pain I got and the feeling when the pain fades away. But not in a simple masochist/sadist way. I always felt having fought with someone, both being out of breath and sitting next to each other, no hard feeling anymore, I always felt that was a bonding experience. But alas, the world rarely does work that way. Except in the movie fight club.
Well, what troubles me tonight is the feeling, dunno how to call it, it is very fleeting, the memory of a realisation at the very back of my mind I can´t shake away, the feeling that I am vengeful.
Not emotionally vengeful, the hot blooded "I hate you because you wronged me" kind.
But rationally vengeful. And it scares me. That a part of me can think, in utter tranquility, that acts of violence and malevolence are what I should try, that I would feel better if I clobber somebody and that I shouldn´t forgive those who wronged me but instead get back at them and shove their own medicine down their throats so that they at least once taste what they do to others and especially me.
That truly terrifies me. I can easily imagine where this comes from. But this is not who I want to be. Is fighting fire with fire really justifiable if I know I will not do it to "teach someone how it feels from the other side" but instead because I will very likely enjoy it?
Great People I admire teach forgiveness. My own morale system says I should be a forgiving person, a person above revenge.
But tonight I have this thing in the back of my mind, my own personal demon haunting me.
Fuck you, my brain.
If I had to guess, it might be simply stress. At least i hope so. I so don´t want to be the guy i just outlined.
I drank pretty much only coffee today and feel precursors of heartburn. I am feeling down because I procrastinate, like this heavy thing on my shoulders from which I try to run. And it just gets heavier over time. People and proverbs say one should not be so hard in themselves. I kinda am hard on myself. Probably a guilt complex. A good part of my youth I was told that I am guilty of shit. I am german, so as far as my own history goes, there was always nazi germany for which we are to truly feel guilty and be aware of. Goddammit.
Maybe I am partially guilty for the cause of my misery. I am one of those introverted guys. Those people who have barely any facial expressions.
I was socially awkward as long as I can remember(some relatives remember times when I was not). When I felt like shit, people couldn´t distinguish it from me being bored. Hell, I can´t distinguish it in the mirror. It feels like I´m moving my facial muscles, but my face doesn´t seem to express any feelings. I can make a pretty good angry face. In fact most of my faces look angry, bored and/or disappointed.
I gotta be productive one day. I just don´t know how. I should be adult, but I don´t feel ready. I feel dependent, because I don´t make my own money. Like I am not actually in control. And I sure as hell don´t know anything about dealing with contracts and governmental agencies and shit.
This link very much expresses how I feel.
And this is where I am directionsless. I have no idea what my future looks like. I envy those people who know other people who are involved in the area they want to work in the future.
I am a Computer science student right now. I am the first person in almost my entire family to not only go to college, but even to have the university entrance diploma(in germany it´s "Abitur", 3 extra years of (high)school).
And those 2 others that do are rarely ever around. I last saw them 5 years ago or so. Even then they study "social work"(how is that something you learn in university?), so not even close to where I´m headed.
Ideally I want to one of the people in charge of game balance. I like tables comparing game elements and other numbery stuff.
Any courses in direction of games industry are either at private schools with horrendous fees or heavily specialised in not that direction I want to be in(graphics). The closest I ever heard of was Day[9] when he talked about his "interactive media" major. And that was only hearsay.
All I want is someone I can ask about how to get there. Yet when game developers are asked about how to get there, guess what, it´s "You have to know many people and tell them what you want to do. When they ever need someone they hopefully remember you". Exactly what I don´t exactly enjoy, social activity.
Life is frustrating.
I never thought I would ever say that, but I can´t wait till holidays are over and I can get back to halfassedly passing my courses.
