EPTShe's a really hot engineer. =)
Islam Question. - Page 3
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Djzapz
Canada10681 Posts
She's a really hot engineer. =) | ||
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zobz
Canada2175 Posts
Her best option would probably be some sort of charity or government program. The problem with that is that again, depending on what organization she's dealing with, it might take some time for her to be processed, during which time if she was caught planning this move she could again be disowned before she was prepared for independence. My advice would be to help her look for any program that can set her up instantly, or to look for other more distant family who she can trust, or possibly to even live with you and your parents, if they're the generous and trusting types, since it is ultimately their home; if all else fails, she should really just go live on the streets until she can get signed up for a homeless shelter, which is incredibly scary and terrible to have to admit as a last option, but possibly better than the prospect of spending the rest of her life under the thumb of her zealot father, brother, or spouse. Naturally I have no experience at dealing with anything like this kind of problem, but this is what advice I have to offer from reasoning alone. And the most important part is probably to encourage her, and keep her from giving up hope. If she is at all considering suicide then hopelessness is by far her biggest enemy. I would emphasize that she has many options and there probably is a way out. Good luck dealing with this trauma, and I hope she's worth it. | ||
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Railxp
Hong Kong1313 Posts
[keep in mind therapists/counselors also have various styles and skills, so don't settle for the first one you meet. Instead, take some time to "shop" around before choosing the one you feel the most comfortable talking with.] [If you're diagnosed with depression, they might ask you to take medication. While this might help for the short term to get you up to speed and functioning, it's not a long term solution. And long term use of anti-depressants can actually devastate your mind. [Source: http://www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Epidemic-Bullets-Psychiatric-Astonishing/dp/0307452417］ There is a growing body of literature talking about the controversies of psych medication. So i'd say use it to get out of a rut, but look for alternatives asap. ] I've got my own biases on the topic, but getting beaten by a grown man is clearly batshit insane, and a toxic environment to say the least. What she needs is a social network, not the facebook kind, but an actual support group. Therapy can help deal with the suicide thing, but it can't replace friends and social support. So while she's trying out different therapists, see if you can find ways to grow a small support network, say with an initial goal of 3-4 people. Last of all, in conjunction with some of the other posters, i'd say she should give serious consideration to leaving her family environment. It's clearly out of her power to change it. But if she's to the point of considering suicide, this is now a clear life-threatening situation. What's at stake here isn't just the immediate life and death, but also her future. People who grow up in abusive families are at risk for / correlated with multitudes of issues, everything from increased crime rates to substance abuse to future child abuse to lower IQ and just in general not happy adulthood. Of course, there are many things within your control to deal with this, but most of the recovery work requires not being in the damaging environment in the first place. Just like you cant expect to recover from burns if you just keep hanging out in a fire. There are a lot of helpful people on the internet who can point you to all the reading/podcast material/advice/motivational boost/empathetic ear, but all of these are just road signs. Knowing that at the end of the day, you're responsible for saving your own ass, is a hard lesson to learn, but also an incredibly empowering one once you've learned you can do it. Take the step. ===================================== Edit: To add: There are lots of therapists who specialize in this type of issue, because (sad to say) it's actually occurring frequently enough to warrant specialization in. Like another poster mentioned, talk to your muslim community leaders (or a different Muslim community, if the one you're in supports this type of abuse), it goes without saying to use discretion, but she's probably only two or three degrees of separation from someone who can help her, once she starts looking. | ||
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UniversalSnip
9871 Posts
On January 28 2012 14:42 LittleAtari wrote: I am Muslim, woman, and Arab. I was born and raised for the most part in the USA and have lived for a short period in the Middle East. Unfortunately, every now and then you will hear about someone who has super controlling parents. Did I grow up the same way as this girl? Nope. I was given a lot of freedom and I don't believe that any part of this stuff that this family is doing part of Islam. It's purely cultural. I went to an Islamic high school in the US. My parent regularly attend Mosques and other religious events. My mom works and pitches in with the finances along with my dad. I work and was encouraged to live outside the house when starting college. I ended up moving back in with my parents because I transferred to a closer college. Here's the deal. Her family doesn't care what the world thinks or what other Muslims think. They're stuck in a dangerous mentality. The girl has to choose for herself if she wants out. It's probably hard now, since she has no means of financially supporting herself, but she's also been raised to have loyalty to her family. Eastern cultures tend to be collective. So it's harder to say 'screw my family, i'm going to do whatever I want.' In addition, are you more concerned about what Muslim beliefs are or helping your friend? You should be more concerned about helping your friend. You know when something is wrong when you see it. What's happening in this girl's life is wrong. The justification doesn't matter. I'm going to say this now. Coming to an internet forum is probably not the best place to learn about a religion. Find other Muslims and talk to them about this. It's possible that she can get help with her situation from her local Mosque. I know in the Chicago-land area. No Mosque would stand for this. I recommend going to a Mosque just because it may be more familiar territory for her, but it's possible that she would be better suited for other types of help. Chicago-land Mosques tend to provide counseling. I'm fortunate to have a Mosque where they're in partnership with social workers. Ultimately, the decision to change has to come from her before she can get help. This is such good advice. Ask at a local mosque and see if they can help you. one way or another the girl needs help, her situation is terrible. | ||
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LittleAtari
Jordan1090 Posts
On January 28 2012 14:51 UniversalSnip wrote: This is such good advice. Ask at a local mosque and see if they can help you. one way or another the girl needs help, her situation is terrible. It's an extremely sensitive situation and requires help from various sources: religious, cultural, and psychological. I've sent the OP a PM that I think will be helpful. Good luck on helping your friend  | ||
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Railxp
Hong Kong1313 Posts
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Meta
United States6225 Posts
On January 28 2012 13:27 Kitetsu wrote: I don't agree with Meta's first statement necessarily... while it may be true in practice, one could think of two 'forms' of Islam: one that is pure theory/principle ('on paper') and the one that is actually practiced. As I suggested in my post, there is a considerable disconnect between the ideals/principles of Islam (including their original context in history) and what we actually have seen and still see done by people. I'm not sure if this the best analogy but think of it as similar to the reason why communism doesn't work well in reality: while on paper communism seems sound, a lot is lost in translating it from paper to putting an actual system in place that is run by and for human beings, who are obviously imperfect and lacking perfect reason and logic. I'm not saying all Muslims are bad people or anything like that. I'm just saying that this family, in particular, decided to take the book too literally and are shitheads because of it. It's the same reason that Christians who bomb abortion clinics are shitheads, they take the book too literally and do horrible things. I could see a counter argument being that the book and the religion aren't necessarily the same thing, but I think they're close enough. So under that assumption, her family are shitheads because of Islam (or, at least, the book). The person on the previous page who said he should go with her to a mosque for help, I agree with. But it would be interesting, to me, to hear them rebuke the things that the book says  | ||
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Baobab
Korea (South)153 Posts
I've known many Muslim people, and I actually studied Arabic for three years in uni, and there is absolutely no need for her family to treat her that way. I know quite a few Muslim girls, even ones who wear the veil, who aren't repressed in the slightest, can have boyfriends, FB, etc... The only reason her father is treating her that way is because of his borderline-retarded rural Afghani traditions. OP, your friend should get out of that household as soon as possible, before she ends up like the Shafia girls because she did something completely innocuous like kiss a boy and her father has to "protect the family honor". Sorry this was kind of a rant, but shit like this really pisses me off. | ||
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Slaughter
United States20254 Posts
Maybe she can talk to other families of similar cultural identity or maybe the leader of the mosque in your community? They could provide help and advice (provided they do not hold similar strict beliefs) for her on how to deal with this situation. Its not easy for even western raised kids to cut ties with your family so she will need a lot of support regardless and plus if she is a minor it changes things, | ||
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MutantGenepool
Australia115 Posts
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zalz
Netherlands3704 Posts
Even if you found the long lost extra page of the Quran which directly adresses them by name and their actions and says "don't do it" they would still carry on. The men relish the domination. The women relish being dominated. It's a rare few that can look past the destructive master/slave relation that dominates these kind of families. Their questioning nature isn't rewarded, they threaten to upset the status quo. Yes, they will disown her. She has to submit or she will be disowned. That won't be the end of it either. Her family will continue to assault her emotionally and perhaps even physically. You are talking about a culture that is completely alien from ours. If your sister gets raped, your first thought isn't "i have to slit her throat because she has disgraced my family." That's the kind of people you are dealing with. People like her won't get a happy ending. Either she turns away from her oppressive family and will have to carry that around, or she will be forced to marry some first cousin and sit in the house all day long. | ||
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Grettin
42381 Posts
On January 28 2012 14:42 LittleAtari wrote: I am Muslim, woman, and Arab. I was born and raised for the most part in the USA and have lived for a short period in the Middle East. Unfortunately, every now and then you will hear about someone who has super controlling parents. Did I grow up the same way as this girl? Nope. I was given a lot of freedom and I don't believe that any part of this stuff that this family is doing part of Islam. It's purely cultural. I went to an Islamic high school in the US. My parent regularly attend Mosques and other religious events. My mom works and pitches in with the finances along with my dad. I work and was encouraged to live outside the house when starting college. I ended up moving back in with my parents because I transferred to a closer college. Here's the deal. Her family doesn't care what the world thinks or what other Muslims think. They're stuck in a dangerous mentality. The girl has to choose for herself if she wants out. It's probably hard now, since she has no means of financially supporting herself, but she's also been raised to have loyalty to her family. Eastern cultures tend to be collective. So it's harder to say 'screw my family, i'm going to do whatever I want.' In addition, are you more concerned about what Muslim beliefs are or helping your friend? You should be more concerned about helping your friend. You know when something is wrong when you see it. What's happening in this girl's life is wrong. The justification doesn't matter. I'm going to say this now. Coming to an internet forum is probably not the best place to learn about a religion. Find other Muslims and talk to them about this. It's possible that she can get help with her situation from her local Mosque. I know in the Chicago-land area. No Mosque would stand for this. I recommend going to a Mosque just because it may be more familiar territory for her, but it's possible that she would be better suited for other types of help. Chicago-land Mosques tend to provide counseling. I'm fortunate to have a Mosque where they're in partnership with social workers. Ultimately, the decision to change has to come from her before she can get help. Excellent post. I would definitely do the last part. Good luck to you and your friend! | ||
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SHr3DD3r
Pakistan2137 Posts
On January 28 2012 14:51 UniversalSnip wrote: This is such good advice. Ask at a local mosque and see if they can help you. one way or another the girl needs help, her situation is terrible. Listen to what LittleAtari said. Everything she mentioned is pretty much spot on. Your friend's family just happens to be filled with psychotic individuals. This is coming from a Pakistani Muslim male btw. I hear stories like that alot though. Especially here (lower class families in particular). Do tell us what happens though. Wish her all the best. | ||
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