I feel really inadequate right about now. I have a C in calc, feel thoroughly screwed for test. Have B in econ, which is probably my strongest area of understanding because for reasons unbeknownst to man I refuse to actually give a shit on stupid detail oriented arithmetic worksheets. Why? Because I'm a lazy tard.
My parents really layed into me a year ago when I started blogging. For being lazy. But after they started to lay off I've sort of slacked. Grades actually improved because I was significantly more focused, but really my study habits when downstairs.
My grades this year...
English: 96 (regular english derp)
AP Government: 97 (I'm way above class average, set curve on every test... for some reason I just get it. I really enjoy it but there aren't viable careers there...)
AP Econ 86: Grade scale is stupid. Instead of adapting to it I just continued to operate same way and got pwnt.
Honors Physics: 79: Punitive as hell grading scale, easy problems. But I can't bring myself to not cut corners. I know I need to, still do. I need to just damn do it. But I have no self control.
APES: 94. Interesting not difficult class. Haven't studied. Just do well.
AP Calc: 73. WTF. WTF. WTF. I've done relatively poorly in math last 3 years. In fact I'm freaking out last year because my C in math may prevent me from being national merit finalist which would just flat out suck. I just don't do the sets. I give up. I do well on long problems. But I"ve slacked off long enough at this point I dont' even understand a lot of the fundamentals we are using at this point. A lot of other people are below me in class (I'm probably 40th percentile) but damnit, I'm smarter than that. Four years ago I was on the same level as the top three people in the class. But at this point all that happens is I give up. And at this point, I have a test tomorrow, and although I've done a lot of studying for it, it DOESN"T MATTER. My fundamentals are so damn weak I'm screwed. I got 800 math II, but in calc my knowledge breaks down cause I"m a lazy idiot. Class is hard but if I have a friend with a 98 I need to man the fuck up.
In terms of personality type I'm pretty much ENTP (or ENTJ, probably ENTP) Basically it's the inventor type. I think fast. I act quickly. I don't like authority. I love being around people. Big issues tend to fascinate me. I'm pretty standard ENTP.
That's totally random.
I am screwed for applications to engineering schools because of math grades. I don't want to apply for engineering because I dislike it. I dislike it because I"m bad at math. But I'm bad at math because I'm not man enough to do practice sets and just get it done. And now, when I'm willing to it's too damn late. What the hell
Sure, it's ok, I can compensate undergrad and get a masters from a better school but I don't know I want to do CS. But It's impossible to tell because I don't like it now, but may in the future. Messing around with python is fun but that's nowhere near CS. What the hell.
I don't go out with friends. Some is family. Some is me being a loser.
I don't' have a girlfriend, and although I really do want one, I'm just always friendzoned. Too damn nice. Too damn attached. And I dunno. I'm a likable enough person. But I never assert myself. Just sort of say hi. What the heck do I do? I know if I get rejected it's not end of world but I still can't do it.
Fitness wise I"m weak. I"m starting to work out again but I stopped a bit back because I couldn't cause of medical reasons, then never started again.
Damnit, what do I want to do with my life. I"m screwed for tomorrow's test. It will take a ton of time and effort to teach myself a semester of material to catch up. I've been juggling a ton of stuff, been optimistic, but reality is setting in. What is going to happen.
My family thinks I'm a screwup, my friends think I'm some fricking brilliant person destined to become great. In terms of IQ tests I'm up there. But I've been juggling far too much for far too long without any sense of real time management. And now that it's all coming crashing down I have no idea what to do. Where will I get into school. Will I get national merit? What's gonna happen. How much is my fault. Blargh
I'm dead tomorrow. Only way to improve is to move forwards.
Btw I'm starting 6 month exercise program in buildup for surgery exactly 6 months from now.
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