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This isn't a fun blog. But I'm having real life issues right now, and if you're up for it, I'd appreciate for you to read/comment/try to help my sorry ass.
![[image loading]](http://obscureinternet.com/wp-content/uploads/who-wants-to-be-a-millionaire-failure-Motivational-Poster.jpg)
I feel really inadequate right about now. I have a C in calc, feel thoroughly screwed for test. Have B in econ, which is probably my strongest area of understanding because for reasons unbeknownst to man I refuse to actually give a shit on stupid detail oriented arithmetic worksheets. Why? Because I'm a lazy tard.
My parents really layed into me a year ago when I started blogging. For being lazy. But after they started to lay off I've sort of slacked. Grades actually improved because I was significantly more focused, but really my study habits when downstairs.
My grades this year...
English: 96 (regular english derp)
AP Government: 97 (I'm way above class average, set curve on every test... for some reason I just get it. I really enjoy it but there aren't viable careers there...)
AP Econ 86: Grade scale is stupid. Instead of adapting to it I just continued to operate same way and got pwnt.
Honors Physics: 79: Punitive as hell grading scale, easy problems. But I can't bring myself to not cut corners. I know I need to, still do. I need to just damn do it. But I have no self control.
APES: 94. Interesting not difficult class. Haven't studied. Just do well.
AP Calc: 73. WTF. WTF. WTF. I've done relatively poorly in math last 3 years. In fact I'm freaking out last year because my C in math may prevent me from being national merit finalist which would just flat out suck. I just don't do the sets. I give up. I do well on long problems. But I"ve slacked off long enough at this point I dont' even understand a lot of the fundamentals we are using at this point. A lot of other people are below me in class (I'm probably 40th percentile) but damnit, I'm smarter than that. Four years ago I was on the same level as the top three people in the class. But at this point all that happens is I give up. And at this point, I have a test tomorrow, and although I've done a lot of studying for it, it DOESN"T MATTER. My fundamentals are so damn weak I'm screwed. I got 800 math II, but in calc my knowledge breaks down cause I"m a lazy idiot. Class is hard but if I have a friend with a 98 I need to man the fuck up.
In terms of personality type I'm pretty much ENTP (or ENTJ, probably ENTP) Basically it's the inventor type. I think fast. I act quickly. I don't like authority. I love being around people. Big issues tend to fascinate me. I'm pretty standard ENTP.
That's totally random.
I am screwed for applications to engineering schools because of math grades. I don't want to apply for engineering because I dislike it. I dislike it because I"m bad at math. But I'm bad at math because I'm not man enough to do practice sets and just get it done. And now, when I'm willing to it's too damn late. What the hell
Sure, it's ok, I can compensate undergrad and get a masters from a better school but I don't know I want to do CS. But It's impossible to tell because I don't like it now, but may in the future. Messing around with python is fun but that's nowhere near CS. What the hell.
I don't go out with friends. Some is family. Some is me being a loser.
I don't' have a girlfriend, and although I really do want one, I'm just always friendzoned. Too damn nice. Too damn attached. And I dunno. I'm a likable enough person. But I never assert myself. Just sort of say hi. What the heck do I do? I know if I get rejected it's not end of world but I still can't do it.
Fitness wise I"m weak. I"m starting to work out again but I stopped a bit back because I couldn't cause of medical reasons, then never started again.
Damnit, what do I want to do with my life. I"m screwed for tomorrow's test. It will take a ton of time and effort to teach myself a semester of material to catch up. I've been juggling a ton of stuff, been optimistic, but reality is setting in. What is going to happen.
My family thinks I'm a screwup, my friends think I'm some fricking brilliant person destined to become great. In terms of IQ tests I'm up there. But I've been juggling far too much for far too long without any sense of real time management. And now that it's all coming crashing down I have no idea what to do. Where will I get into school. Will I get national merit? What's gonna happen. How much is my fault. Blargh
I'm dead tomorrow. Only way to improve is to move forwards.
Btw I'm starting 6 month exercise program in buildup for surgery exactly 6 months from now.
+ Show Spoiler +
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That picture makes you look way younger then a senior which is what grade youre in im guessing
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trust me my grades where far worse then yours. Just go to a state college and you'll get an as profitable degree as a specialized engineering school.
btw I'm in the same place as you but in a year. Things are really good for you right now. they will get worse.
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Problems in life get more serious as you get older, not less serious.
The only thing that changes is your ability to deal with it. So deal with it.
Don't ever talk about your IQ. Trust me, you're the only person who gives a shit.
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If not getting national merit is failing by your conditions, I am quite literally stupid. It is nice to get if you can, but not getting it is not nearly the end of the world.
I feel the same way about math. I just finished my first semester in college and failed pretty hard. As in, 2 B minuses, 3 Ds. That isn't good, especially since 2 of the Ds were Physics and Calc 3 (which are quite important for engineering degrees I hear). I got Cs in AP Calc and IB HL Math, simply because I didn't care. I cared that I passed, but nothing more. Until this semester, I hadn't ever had to try in math to get by, but getting by isn't good enough any more. All you have to do is learn to work. Things may come easier to you than most people, but as I learned these past few months, not everything will be nice and happy. Life is supposed to hard.
About your college plans, I guess it is good to have something mapped out for the next 6 or 7 years, but that is a long time away from now. It is good to head towards those goals, but maybe focusing on the nearer future a bit more can help you with other issues you are having.
GL on your test though.
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wow. i can't believe what i just read
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I like the picture though
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
the short answer is: your social shit is fine. For math, go ask the teacher for help and tell her you're fucked but really want to fix it. For CS, yes you need math for CS but you don't need CS to be a developer. Also, HS "math" is entirely different from true mathematics, and the latter is what you need for CS. Fwiw I am awesome at HS level "math" but am a piece of shit when it comes to true mathematics.
If you want to be a coder, esp in the web space, being proficient at "coding" is better than being "good at math".
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Electrical engineering? Seems right up your ally. Some of my friends are in the major, and all they do is build cool shit. :D
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On December 16 2011 17:43 thedeadhaji wrote:
Also, HS "math" is entirely different from true mathematics, and the latter is what you need for CS. Fwiw I am awesome at HS level "math" but am a piece of shit when it comes to true mathematics.
oh my god this this this
if only I had a time machine so I could tell my high school self this >__>
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Thanksthanksthanks.
I'm going to take test. I should be able to get... some right lol.
I know a lot of this is irrational.
In terms of IQ, I'm just using it to say that it's not like there is a great reason I couldn't do better.
Thankfully, I'll still probably be going to a top 50-60 school. All in all I'm doing well, but with two friends accepted to Stanford, two to caltech, I just feel inadequate.
Heck, I prolly will get into top 30 schools that don't work financially.,
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Calgary25993 Posts
Your blog has 4 major problems (Parents, social, school, weight) with many smaller problems divided between them. That's an easy way to get overwhelmed. Pick ONE of them (I would pick school but it's up to you) and start there.
Stop making excuses. For example, instead of writing a blog about how you suck at school, you should have used that time to study. Accept that you fucked up and move forward.
You aren't a genius and don't have incredible potential. Accept this. Hard work is the only thing that's going to get you where you want to be.
Edit: Problem -> Analysis -> Change
You're missing step 3. Writing "Oh I accept that I am doing bad because I'm lazy" does you no good. Change it or don't write it. Doing neither is weak.
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Some points I'd like to make - they may sound a little harsh, or not, but my judgement is that you need them.
1. Not doing well in math? Accept it, not everyone is cut out for doing well in everything. Didn't try your best? This is one of the poor excuses I like to rip apart on people. What you achieved, or didn't achieve, will be remembered for the exact value they represent. Those represent you, whether you were slacking off, going on Facebook 24/7, cutting corners, making silly mistakes on your tests - not a single soul cares that "that wasn't your best," all will be remembered simply as "what you did." Accept, move on, and improve. There won't be "silly mistakes" in university and later in your career, there will only be "failure" and "no money." There is a good, somewhat-obvious line between what you like to do, and what you're good at. Find it and follow it.
2. Accepted into "top # school" seems like the end-all goal, and that indeed is a fine goal in the short term, but there is much more to it after. Try to look beyond the names, sure your friends should be congratulated for their achievements, but that doesn't mean they are "better-than-you-in-every-way."
3. IQ is good for giggles, and nothing more. Hell, I wonder all those 140+ IQ boasting kids in high school are now, because certainly none of them are making headlines on the news. Some of those people I still have contacts with, well, are not exactly doing better (or worse) than the rest of the population. On the other hand, however, one of my friends whom I respected as the #1 hard worker that I knew - he went to Harvard on full scholarships as international student (from Canada), and he is scheduled to graduate with top honours, go figure.
Motivation might bring the better out of you, so I hope that you will make it to one of the top schools. Personally, nothing was more motivational than going from "the genius" of the crowd to "the joker" of the crowd. Yes, it changed that dramatically between my high school and university life. Guess what, the joker's employed and a whole bunch of geniuses are not, HAH!
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Alright, I have mixed emotions about this blog, so let me introduce myself:
My parents are both abusive alcoholics; I grew up overseas in the military; the girl I love is in a different state; I can't afford college because said parents didn't keep up with paperwork to keep residency; I have little work experience.
Things have been getting better for me, and I have a plan. I feel good about myself. Alright, introduction over.
With all that said, know that your problems are small change. You're miserable because you might not get some piece of fucking paper that's basically a pat on the head? Some people can't eat. Some people have nowhere to sleep. I saw at least one pithy comment while scrolling down here, and I'm basically explaining it.
Get over yourself. What the hell is it with my generation where it's all or nothing? Aspiring is awesome, great, but you need to keep it in the proper context. The only things that matter in life are being happy and making a living. Figure out what you might want to do and get a career in it. What are you interested in?
As for your family, it's not always black and white. My parents think I'm a loser, but they're losers, so who gives a shit about what they say. The rest of my family loves and supports me.
For you, it's not so simple. Your parents are actually responsible enough to pay for college (and beyond), so if you're there on their dime then they have a right to get mad when you're being lazy.
On the flip side, they expect too much from you. You're in advanced courses already, so neither party should expect perfection.
I guess I should sum up by saying: if your biggest problem is that you're lazy, you're in a good spot; better than the vast majority of people on Earth. Remember that the next time you start whining about some award.
P.S. Just ask girls out ffs. Give them your number, ask to be Facebook friends. 9/10 won't reciprocate with a date, but you'll make plenty of friends. As for your physical problems, don't sweat it.
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Agree with most of the posters so far,
The problems you have seem really minor, if getting a C in high school is your biggest problem, then your doing pretty well in life. If your parents don't like that you don't feel like doing well in the math department, hell if your parents don't like where you feel like taking your life- FUCK EM. DGAF about your parents expectations, if they can't see you as your own person then they aren't being very good parents.
Socially, having problems with girls is nothing new. Everyone does it, especially in HS. There is a strange perception in HS that all your peers are getting layed and having successful relationships but that isn't true, and tbh most relationships in HS will only last 3 months tops and will end up being really unfulfilled. So don't worry about HS girls, besides, towards the end of HS senior year is when the majority of romance happens not the beginning. No one has anything else to do, and then there is a long summer. I felt like I grew a lot socially during then end of senior year, and i don't see that being much different for you.
Muscles aren't important to getting girls. They do not matter. If you have the right attitude and you don't look like the crypt keeper you will do great with girls. The attitude is the issue not the looks. Getting a lot of muscle won't help you. I was basically a body builder throughout all of highschool, wasn't confident at all. Got no tail the whole time. Aside from the obvious health benefits of exercise to feel good (which i highly endorse), don't bother spending time worrying about this. It isn't important.
Self Control issues and feeling lazy isn't exactly uncommon either. I see it all the time in my college, and to a much worse degree. The thing about these issues is that it is something you will have to constantly adjust and work on throughout your life. They will never go away.
When it comes to finding out what you want to do with your life, you don't need to decide that for 2 more years, just be undecided. That is completely reasonable and in many cases the most pragmatic option. Don't worry about what undergrad school you get into, as long as you get smarter out of it its fine. Grad school is the one that holds all the prestige and weight.
All that said, you should see these problems in perspective but still see them as problems and actively attempt to fix them like Chill told you. It is important to tackle these problems with everything you have, it just isn't all that significant if you fail.
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-.- This time I agree with Chill.
Basically you have what you are right now (whiny, belief in some inherent intelligence that you haven't realised etc), and you have your ideal self, which is someone with a good education, girlfriend, etc. The incongruity makes you uncomfortable.
The problem is that the only thing you're thinking about is the ideal self, the goal, the vision of success. What you actually need to do is visualize doing the work, studying hard, etc. You want the girlfriend without the trouble of putting yourself up for rejection. You want the intelligence to just be natural. What separates people who get shit done from people who are just dreamers is exactly what Chill described: hard work.
On December 16 2011 17:43 thedeadhaji wrote:
the short answer is: your social shit is fine. For math, go ask the teacher for help and tell her you're fucked but really want to fix it. For CS, yes you need math for CS but you don't need CS to be a developer. Also, HS "math" is entirely different from true mathematics, and the latter is what you need for CS. Fwiw I am awesome at HS level "math" but am a piece of shit when it comes to true mathematics.
If you want to be a coder, esp in the web space, being proficient at "coding" is better than being "good at math".
I think that's true of every discipline. High School gives the very very basics of every subject that is enough to get by if you don't have a job in the field. That's why many people after doing their degree feel like every other subject is a joke, since they haven't truly experienced the difficulty of the complex material from other subjects. And also why High School students think they're brilliant after getting an A on a test they didn't study very hard for. [weird sense of deja vu after posting this]
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
On December 16 2011 17:52 RedJustice wrote:
Electrical engineering? Seems right up your ally. Some of my friends are in the major, and all they do is build cool shit. :D
I tell everyone who has the potential to enjoy CS to pursue it, because hardware is a dying field.
fyi I majored in EE.
I don't truly regret it, but it's made things more difficult than it perhaps had to be.
But of course, if you don't enjoy CS, don't do it.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
Also, Chill's post is quite balanced and good imo.
It reminds me of the PDCA cycle: Plan (assess situation and devise strategy) -> Do (execute strategy to solve problem) -> Check (review results and come up with improvements or adjustments) -> Action (Execute next iteration of strategy based on the results of "check" cycle)
One thing you might want to remind yourself is that there are no shortcuts to anything that truly matters in anyone's life. If you want to be good at math, put in the leg work - no excuses. If you don't want to be good at math, that's perfectly fine too; just know how and why you've decided this.
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On December 17 2011 10:44 thedeadhaji wrote:
Also, Chill's post is quite balanced and good imo.
It reminds me of the PDCA cycle: Plan (assess situation and devise strategy) -> Do (execute strategy to solve problem) -> Check (review results and come up with improvements or adjustments) -> Action (Execute next iteration of strategy based on the results of "check" cycle)
One thing you might want to remind yourself is that there are no shortcuts to anything that truly matters in anyone's life. If you want to be good at math, put in the leg work - no excuses. If you don't want to be good at math, that's perfectly fine too; just know how and why you've decided this.
Exactly. Even though I get the feeling it came across very poorly, I think the entire point of that was to vent, and sort of force myself to confront the problem.
I BLAME SHIT ON OTHER FACTORS THAT IS MINE.
Basically, I am screwed in math because I didn't do enough work. I need to just do work to fix that. Work I was previously unwilling to do.
I don't do well with relationships because I'm not willing to take the risk. I should take the risk, and not complain.
The whole "incredible potential" thing is basically a self deprecating way of saying "I am doing way worse than I could have." It is sort of arrogant, but the general feeling is I'm not doing as well as I am capable of. Because I'm not doing anything to do well in school other than sit in class and do required assignments. Essentially incongruity between me, my ideal self, my feeling of self in moments like these, my classmates feeling of who I am, is making me uncomfortable. Of course the only way to do it is through work. I'll finish the "plan" stage of my "do well in school" bit.
To be honest, the fitness is probably the most important bit of all of this, because it could really effect the outcome of my surgery, but that's something I don't need to focus on. Eat more than normal, do exercises. The reason for me doing fitness is really only to feel better (not sore b/c of rods in back) and to prepare for upcoming surgery.
KEEP THE HARSH COMMENTS COMING XD
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On December 17 2011 05:31 OpticalShot wrote:
Some points I'd like to make - they may sound a little harsh, or not, but my judgement is that you need them.
1. Not doing well in math? Accept it, not everyone is cut out for doing well in everything. Didn't try your best? This is one of the poor excuses I like to rip apart on people. What you achieved, or didn't achieve, will be remembered for the exact value they represent. Those represent you, whether you were slacking off, going on Facebook 24/7, cutting corners, making silly mistakes on your tests - not a single soul cares that "that wasn't your best," all will be remembered simply as "what you did." Accept, move on, and improve. There won't be "silly mistakes" in university and later in your career, there will only be "failure" and "no money." There is a good, somewhat-obvious line between what you like to do, and what you're good at. Find it and follow it.
2. Accepted into "top # school" seems like the end-all goal, and that indeed is a fine goal in the short term, but there is much more to it after. Try to look beyond the names, sure your friends should be congratulated for their achievements, but that doesn't mean they are "better-than-you-in-every-way."
3. IQ is good for giggles, and nothing more. Hell, I wonder all those 140+ IQ boasting kids in high school are now, because certainly none of them are making headlines on the news. Some of those people I still have contacts with, well, are not exactly doing better (or worse) than the rest of the population. On the other hand, however, one of my friends whom I respected as the #1 hard worker that I knew - he went to Harvard on full scholarships as international student (from Canada), and he is scheduled to graduate with top honours, go figure.
Motivation might bring the better out of you, so I hope that you will make it to one of the top schools. Personally, nothing was more motivational than going from "the genius" of the crowd to "the joker" of the crowd. Yes, it changed that dramatically between my high school and university life. Guess what, the joker's employed and a whole bunch of geniuses are not, HAH!
1) I think the main point I was trying to make in math, and evidently failed to do, is that I'm not doing as well as I should, because I am slacking, which is leading to poor results. The end result is poor because my effort is poor. Hence by increasing effort I will get a better result.
2) Of course, although even I lose sight of that I have many friends that are even worse. Generally I'm the one saying that lol.
3) Yeah, as I've said before I failed in explaining this. I may be off the mark but my general gist is that IQ means that if I actually gave a shit and worked I'd do well. I'm not mentally retarded, or totally incapable of doing waht I need to do to improve. Hence, working hard is more important, and telling myself that somehow I"m working as hard as possible and doing as well as possible is a lie.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/KElkX.jpg)
