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Guys we can sit here and keep talking about it all we want, but HP nailed. It's comes from within and of course it's a form of depression.
Many people go through it.
Anyway, we've said that all that needs to be said.
Definitely need to have a look at her wardrobe and someone needs to take her shopping for clothing she can feel comfortable in (if you don't love it; don't buy it). That would be a good first baby-step. (Pretty sure I said that months ago too -.-)
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On November 27 2011 19:06 RedJustice wrote:+ Show Spoiler +I personally can identify with that feeling a lot (being some kind of hermit/feeling undeserving of others/like you won't find people irl who share you interests and appreciate you). I moved 14 times between 0-17 years old. I was a really smart kid and often did my own thing outside of the classwork. My family was poor and I wore funny clothes and never had the same kind of food in my box lunch as everyone else. Other kids ignored me. Even now at university I feel a large disconnect from many people here who come from a very different life than my own. I have difficulty identifying with them in any way. Don't feel like you are strange for having this problem-- there are many people in your position. On to the more important issue though-- your perception of yourself. Judging yourself as valuable based on your appearance is doomed to failure; you will get old. Instead you need to judge yourself based on the things under your control, like your decision making. If part of the reason you have difficulty making good friends is because you make poor choices, then of course that is something you need to work on! However if the reason you are having difficulty finding friends is only because you are different then that is ok! Someone worth being friends with may not always share you interests, but they will always value them because of YOU. These people who reacted with disgust are not worth your time. Those that react with confusion though, consider trying to let them get to know you more. If you have a lot of niche interests it make take time for someone to understand you. Finally consider that everything worthwhile requires risk to attain. Imo it is better to risk failure by trying than to not bother and accept an 100% chance of failing. Be courageous! Your 'chance' has not passed. Every time of our life is equally valuable and holds opportunities. Pursue the relationships you desire, and pursue qualities that you feel confident offering to others.
This is a good post Redjustice. I'm same age as you NeverGG, with similar lack of life experience and confidence. Don't know what else to say but chin up and value yourself. No amount of external praise and validation will make up for lack of self respect.
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Calgary25993 Posts
On November 28 2011 17:24 Rekrul wrote:Show nested quote +On November 27 2011 18:41 NeverGG wrote:
Something which happened recently made me feel quite isolated. I stood up in front of a couple of hundred strangers (around the same age as me give or take a few years either way.) to speak about a personal experience of mine in SK. I mentioned how eSports has helped me to connect and communicate with others (even though I lack social skills and have no self-esteem at all.) Instead of people accepting this I noticed looks of disgust and/or confusion from the others in the audience (especially my fellow women.) Instead of sitting down feeling happy to have shared it only reminded me that since I backed away from my old group of friends a couple of years back I've felt like I am some kind of hermit.
What you happened to you during your speech is two things combined. First is It's partially in your head. Due to having lacking self-esteem as you stated you automatically only see/assume the worst. This is the biggest perpetually defeating quality of people severely lacking confidence in my opinion. Due to it it's very hard for them ever to end up being in a situation or them doing something that really gives them a sense of accomplishment, a job well done, or progress made. Much like you gathering the courage to step up in front of a bunch of people and speak about a passion of yours that is unknown to most despite you being anti-social. It should have been a positive day but your mind made it negative. If anything the looks could have possibly been true, for reasons I'll state in the next reason, but they were at least mostly in your head. Due to this instead of building positive re-enforcement for doing something that was somewhat brave for you, you end up feeling down and end up here on TL blogs. That's why it takes a major influential person/people to dig someone like this out of the rut of lacking confidence, because they simply can't do it on their own (hopefully TL.netters are helping you though). Now I'm assuming here because you gave limited information on what you said, but I'll assume you mentioned or implied that you struggle socializing etc. and that e-sports has helped you try to bridge the gap of not being able to connect to people in your speech. It's people's natural reaction to simply not give a fuck when they see someone socially awkward. Now if your speech talked about some illness you conquered, or injury, or fucked up past with emotional trauma and how e-sports got you back in the groove then people might have respected it. But when it's just blandish "I have trouble connecting and this helped me," you really can't expect good reactions. The super nice people will think "awww poor thing," the assholes will think "oh god what a loser," and most people will just think "zzzz boring..." So while I think it was in your head somewhat, at the same time it was probably partially true (if my assumptions about your speech are true that is). All the replies so far in this thread are 100% true and you know them all to be true. Sometimes for some people it's just really hard to dig yourself out of a hole even if you know exactly how. The best things you can do is exercise to feel better about yourself and your looks, and continually put yourself in situations where you are forced to socialize with people. Try to take a different approach though. Fight your needy habits and never attempt to prove or legitimize yourself to people. Just keep conversations simple, be happy, attempt to relate to people but don't force it, and try to never let people brushing you off bother you because they simply do not matter. Remember, all it takes is finding and becoming active friends with one person that understands you and will actually make time for you (talking about someone IRL, online friends can help but you need them IRL). Once you have that one person it will be so much easier to meet more and more people and grow your social confidence. For now you have to do the annoying part of digging yourself out of the bottom of the hole, and that is forcing yourself into these social situations and bracing yourself for all the negative things your subconscious is going to throw your way during these situations. It's hard to get confidence going but when you do it will grow exponentially.
tl;dr: Pretend you're confident until it's true. Pretend you're happy until it's true. Pretend you aren't needy until it's true.
"Pretend until it's true" has helped me out a lot, especially with confidence. Sure, be yourself, but be the best version of yourself. Be the one that makes people excited and intrigued by your passion, not pushed away.
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Chill,
The difference is you put yourself out there in those scenarios. Pretend confidence is a load of rubbish. You had it in you the entire time you just didn't think you did.
That's how I would model it anyway.
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On November 29 2011 06:46 StarStruck wrote:
Chill,
The difference is you put yourself out there in those scenarios. Pretend confidence is a load of rubbish. You had it in you the entire time you just didn't think you did.
That's how I would model it anyway.
That 'having it in you the entire time' really means 'you were able to play the pretend confidence well for a good amount of time'.
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I think there are 3 points that you should keep in mind. Some of these have already been said, but it's still good to reiterate.
- A lot of what you think you see in others is you projecting (not necessarily projecting yourself onto others). You believe they must be thinking something and only look for signs that verify your belief and disregard things that disprove it. I know sometimes I'm not thinking about a speech but about what I ate before and how it's not sitting right. And in a lot of speech-listening situations, everyone eats the same hors d'oeuvres.
- People don't care about strangers. That's normal and it applies to your audience too. You know this is true because if something bad happens to someone you know, you feel it much more strongly than if it happened to someone you didn't know.
- People care about people they know. It's that simple. They don't care because they expect to gain anything from that person (although there may be people who consciously think in that way), but because of the simply fact that they know the person. You know this is true because of the same something-bad-happens idea from above. It's also natural to want to be a positive contributor to relationships, and it's the sincerity of this desire that keeps them alive (contrast this with someone who only seeks to gain from relationships and how many people you think will want to maintain a relationship with such a person).
There are many ways you can wrap this up, but my suggestion is not to worry too much about what strangers think (most probably aren't thinking about you at all) and that people gain intrinsically from interacting with others and getting to know other people even if they gain no material advantage. You must convince yourself that these ideas are true and remind yourself whenever necessary.
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On November 29 2011 07:02 Badjas wrote:Show nested quote +On November 29 2011 06:46 StarStruck wrote:
Chill,
The difference is you put yourself out there in those scenarios. Pretend confidence is a load of rubbish. You had it in you the entire time you just didn't think you did.
That's how I would model it anyway. That 'having it in you the entire time' really means 'you were able to play the pretend confidence well for a good amount of time'.
It's all about perspective,
I try to avoid using negatives. The confidence is there. How you see things are entirely different from the next person. There was a blog not to long ago about the power of words. How you word things can have a great impact on not only yourself but others as well.
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I'm not an expert on this or anything but I also have issues with talking to people and I barely have any friends, even since school. Now I'm about to graduate college and the world looks big and scary, but I've learned over the years that I am just 1 out of 6.5 billion people and deep down the way I see the world is only 1 out of 6.5 billion ways to see it. Every looks at the world through their own eyes and ears, so even if I seem awkward or weird someone else might think I'm funny or even charming. The most important thing is to be unique, conformity is way overrated. That way people will remember you better too.
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
On November 29 2011 06:28 Chill wrote:Show nested quote +On November 28 2011 17:24 Rekrul wrote:On November 27 2011 18:41 NeverGG wrote:
Something which happened recently made me feel quite isolated. I stood up in front of a couple of hundred strangers (around the same age as me give or take a few years either way.) to speak about a personal experience of mine in SK. I mentioned how eSports has helped me to connect and communicate with others (even though I lack social skills and have no self-esteem at all.) Instead of people accepting this I noticed looks of disgust and/or confusion from the others in the audience (especially my fellow women.) Instead of sitting down feeling happy to have shared it only reminded me that since I backed away from my old group of friends a couple of years back I've felt like I am some kind of hermit.
What you happened to you during your speech is two things combined. First is It's partially in your head. Due to having lacking self-esteem as you stated you automatically only see/assume the worst. This is the biggest perpetually defeating quality of people severely lacking confidence in my opinion. Due to it it's very hard for them ever to end up being in a situation or them doing something that really gives them a sense of accomplishment, a job well done, or progress made. Much like you gathering the courage to step up in front of a bunch of people and speak about a passion of yours that is unknown to most despite you being anti-social. It should have been a positive day but your mind made it negative. If anything the looks could have possibly been true, for reasons I'll state in the next reason, but they were at least mostly in your head. Due to this instead of building positive re-enforcement for doing something that was somewhat brave for you, you end up feeling down and end up here on TL blogs. That's why it takes a major influential person/people to dig someone like this out of the rut of lacking confidence, because they simply can't do it on their own (hopefully TL.netters are helping you though). Now I'm assuming here because you gave limited information on what you said, but I'll assume you mentioned or implied that you struggle socializing etc. and that e-sports has helped you try to bridge the gap of not being able to connect to people in your speech. It's people's natural reaction to simply not give a fuck when they see someone socially awkward. Now if your speech talked about some illness you conquered, or injury, or fucked up past with emotional trauma and how e-sports got you back in the groove then people might have respected it. But when it's just blandish "I have trouble connecting and this helped me," you really can't expect good reactions. The super nice people will think "awww poor thing," the assholes will think "oh god what a loser," and most people will just think "zzzz boring..." So while I think it was in your head somewhat, at the same time it was probably partially true (if my assumptions about your speech are true that is). All the replies so far in this thread are 100% true and you know them all to be true. Sometimes for some people it's just really hard to dig yourself out of a hole even if you know exactly how. The best things you can do is exercise to feel better about yourself and your looks, and continually put yourself in situations where you are forced to socialize with people. Try to take a different approach though. Fight your needy habits and never attempt to prove or legitimize yourself to people. Just keep conversations simple, be happy, attempt to relate to people but don't force it, and try to never let people brushing you off bother you because they simply do not matter. Remember, all it takes is finding and becoming active friends with one person that understands you and will actually make time for you (talking about someone IRL, online friends can help but you need them IRL). Once you have that one person it will be so much easier to meet more and more people and grow your social confidence. For now you have to do the annoying part of digging yourself out of the bottom of the hole, and that is forcing yourself into these social situations and bracing yourself for all the negative things your subconscious is going to throw your way during these situations. It's hard to get confidence going but when you do it will grow exponentially. tl;dr: Pretend you're confident until it's true. Pretend you're happy until it's true. Pretend you aren't needy until it's true. "Pretend until it's true" has helped me out a lot, especially with confidence. Sure, be yourself, but be the best version of yourself. Be the one that makes people excited and intrigued by your passion, not pushed away.
LOL ye, fake it until you make it
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Canada5155 Posts
On November 29 2011 11:15 Rekrul wrote:Show nested quote +On November 29 2011 06:28 Chill wrote:On November 28 2011 17:24 Rekrul wrote:On November 27 2011 18:41 NeverGG wrote:
Something which happened recently made me feel quite isolated. I stood up in front of a couple of hundred strangers (around the same age as me give or take a few years either way.) to speak about a personal experience of mine in SK. I mentioned how eSports has helped me to connect and communicate with others (even though I lack social skills and have no self-esteem at all.) Instead of people accepting this I noticed looks of disgust and/or confusion from the others in the audience (especially my fellow women.) Instead of sitting down feeling happy to have shared it only reminded me that since I backed away from my old group of friends a couple of years back I've felt like I am some kind of hermit.
What you happened to you during your speech is two things combined. First is It's partially in your head. Due to having lacking self-esteem as you stated you automatically only see/assume the worst. This is the biggest perpetually defeating quality of people severely lacking confidence in my opinion. Due to it it's very hard for them ever to end up being in a situation or them doing something that really gives them a sense of accomplishment, a job well done, or progress made. Much like you gathering the courage to step up in front of a bunch of people and speak about a passion of yours that is unknown to most despite you being anti-social. It should have been a positive day but your mind made it negative. If anything the looks could have possibly been true, for reasons I'll state in the next reason, but they were at least mostly in your head. Due to this instead of building positive re-enforcement for doing something that was somewhat brave for you, you end up feeling down and end up here on TL blogs. That's why it takes a major influential person/people to dig someone like this out of the rut of lacking confidence, because they simply can't do it on their own (hopefully TL.netters are helping you though). Now I'm assuming here because you gave limited information on what you said, but I'll assume you mentioned or implied that you struggle socializing etc. and that e-sports has helped you try to bridge the gap of not being able to connect to people in your speech. It's people's natural reaction to simply not give a fuck when they see someone socially awkward. Now if your speech talked about some illness you conquered, or injury, or fucked up past with emotional trauma and how e-sports got you back in the groove then people might have respected it. But when it's just blandish "I have trouble connecting and this helped me," you really can't expect good reactions. The super nice people will think "awww poor thing," the assholes will think "oh god what a loser," and most people will just think "zzzz boring..." So while I think it was in your head somewhat, at the same time it was probably partially true (if my assumptions about your speech are true that is). All the replies so far in this thread are 100% true and you know them all to be true. Sometimes for some people it's just really hard to dig yourself out of a hole even if you know exactly how. The best things you can do is exercise to feel better about yourself and your looks, and continually put yourself in situations where you are forced to socialize with people. Try to take a different approach though. Fight your needy habits and never attempt to prove or legitimize yourself to people. Just keep conversations simple, be happy, attempt to relate to people but don't force it, and try to never let people brushing you off bother you because they simply do not matter. Remember, all it takes is finding and becoming active friends with one person that understands you and will actually make time for you (talking about someone IRL, online friends can help but you need them IRL). Once you have that one person it will be so much easier to meet more and more people and grow your social confidence. For now you have to do the annoying part of digging yourself out of the bottom of the hole, and that is forcing yourself into these social situations and bracing yourself for all the negative things your subconscious is going to throw your way during these situations. It's hard to get confidence going but when you do it will grow exponentially. tl;dr: Pretend you're confident until it's true. Pretend you're happy until it's true. Pretend you aren't needy until it's true. "Pretend until it's true" has helped me out a lot, especially with confidence. Sure, be yourself, but be the best version of yourself. Be the one that makes people excited and intrigued by your passion, not pushed away. LOL ye, fake it until you make it
Word. Pretty sure it's the best way to convince yourself of anything.
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I just wanted to say I really love all the work you've done for TL over the years, your photos were always one of my favorite things to look for on here.
Don't really have any advice to offer you unfortunately, but you kind of sound a lot like me except you actually have skills that are of value to society and you talk to people sometimes :p
Good luck.
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Do not let the negative opinion of others get you down. Look at the things you have done in your life for this community as a start. You have done things that others will only dream about. You lived a dream of many. That takes great strength to get up and just do what you want.
You have helped people here for, to my knowledge, nothing in return. The pictures you have posted on TL have been truly amazing art. You have a natural ability to capture just the right moment that you are looking for. A moment that truly translates something to the viewer.
I have not had the opportunity to really have a talk with you but you have always struck me as a very interesting person with amazing talents and have shown a drive to do things you want. You seem to lack confidence in yourself. From what I have seen you have no reason to feel that way. I do believe if you find a way to truly be confident with yourself and change your mindset that you can find friends and date you will do just fine. Although people from TL may not be around you all the time, anytime you travel people are always around to get together.
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On November 29 2011 12:42 HawaiianPig wrote:Show nested quote +On November 29 2011 11:15 Rekrul wrote:On November 29 2011 06:28 Chill wrote:On November 28 2011 17:24 Rekrul wrote:On November 27 2011 18:41 NeverGG wrote:
Something which happened recently made me feel quite isolated. I stood up in front of a couple of hundred strangers (around the same age as me give or take a few years either way.) to speak about a personal experience of mine in SK. I mentioned how eSports has helped me to connect and communicate with others (even though I lack social skills and have no self-esteem at all.) Instead of people accepting this I noticed looks of disgust and/or confusion from the others in the audience (especially my fellow women.) Instead of sitting down feeling happy to have shared it only reminded me that since I backed away from my old group of friends a couple of years back I've felt like I am some kind of hermit.
What you happened to you during your speech is two things combined. First is It's partially in your head. Due to having lacking self-esteem as you stated you automatically only see/assume the worst. This is the biggest perpetually defeating quality of people severely lacking confidence in my opinion. Due to it it's very hard for them ever to end up being in a situation or them doing something that really gives them a sense of accomplishment, a job well done, or progress made. Much like you gathering the courage to step up in front of a bunch of people and speak about a passion of yours that is unknown to most despite you being anti-social. It should have been a positive day but your mind made it negative. If anything the looks could have possibly been true, for reasons I'll state in the next reason, but they were at least mostly in your head. Due to this instead of building positive re-enforcement for doing something that was somewhat brave for you, you end up feeling down and end up here on TL blogs. That's why it takes a major influential person/people to dig someone like this out of the rut of lacking confidence, because they simply can't do it on their own (hopefully TL.netters are helping you though). Now I'm assuming here because you gave limited information on what you said, but I'll assume you mentioned or implied that you struggle socializing etc. and that e-sports has helped you try to bridge the gap of not being able to connect to people in your speech. It's people's natural reaction to simply not give a fuck when they see someone socially awkward. Now if your speech talked about some illness you conquered, or injury, or fucked up past with emotional trauma and how e-sports got you back in the groove then people might have respected it. But when it's just blandish "I have trouble connecting and this helped me," you really can't expect good reactions. The super nice people will think "awww poor thing," the assholes will think "oh god what a loser," and most people will just think "zzzz boring..." So while I think it was in your head somewhat, at the same time it was probably partially true (if my assumptions about your speech are true that is). All the replies so far in this thread are 100% true and you know them all to be true. Sometimes for some people it's just really hard to dig yourself out of a hole even if you know exactly how. The best things you can do is exercise to feel better about yourself and your looks, and continually put yourself in situations where you are forced to socialize with people. Try to take a different approach though. Fight your needy habits and never attempt to prove or legitimize yourself to people. Just keep conversations simple, be happy, attempt to relate to people but don't force it, and try to never let people brushing you off bother you because they simply do not matter. Remember, all it takes is finding and becoming active friends with one person that understands you and will actually make time for you (talking about someone IRL, online friends can help but you need them IRL). Once you have that one person it will be so much easier to meet more and more people and grow your social confidence. For now you have to do the annoying part of digging yourself out of the bottom of the hole, and that is forcing yourself into these social situations and bracing yourself for all the negative things your subconscious is going to throw your way during these situations. It's hard to get confidence going but when you do it will grow exponentially. tl;dr: Pretend you're confident until it's true. Pretend you're happy until it's true. Pretend you aren't needy until it's true. "Pretend until it's true" has helped me out a lot, especially with confidence. Sure, be yourself, but be the best version of yourself. Be the one that makes people excited and intrigued by your passion, not pushed away. LOL ye, fake it until you make it Word. Pretty sure it's the best way to convince yourself of anything.
With enough time, your brain will make the subtle changes to its neural net until the confidence is real. If you decide to go this route, which is sort of like self administered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Ultimately, with anything that you want or enjoy doing, if it is REALLY important to you, it won't matter what other people think. Does it really matter if some other nimrods can't see what you see? And in the long run, people who may not necessarily be interested in what you like or like to do may actually still be attracted by that passion that you have for it, and grow to appreciate it over time.
If you hold your breath for AS LONG AS POSSIBLE, right towards the end of it...ALL you can think about is breathing in some air again. Literally nothing/nobody else matters as much. A chance to breath again or a chance to get a billion dollars instead of some air? You NEED to breath in that air. Someone holding a hand over your nose and mouth trying to keep you from getting that breath? You punch them in the baby-maker so you can breath in that air. It boils down to whether "eSports and its community" or "having everyday people like what you like" is closer to that primal desire for air.
P.S. Your photos are consistently amazing.
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I'm quite shy IRL but I sort of forced myself to be social at university, it actually felt really good. I hope you make great friends and happiness!
Addendum 1: If there was an island for TL people, I'd move there. Wouldn't that be amazing.
Addendum 2: That is the longest Rekrul comment I've seen in my time.
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I don't know if it helps, but I'm in Seoul currently (but only for another month (maybe more in the future if I come back to teach English)). Before arriving, I was hoping that some people at my school would be interested in going to Starcraft events, but it took a while to actually find some that did. Most people seem to just like partying here and that's not really my scene. They made jokes about me going to Starcraft every day and I did it alone, but it worked out. Through going to the games every day (I'm really really into it >___>), I've met a bunch of really cool people and some that even go to my school. I won't actually be at barcraft on the 3rd because going to the finals is just something I gotta do in person, but perhaps I'll run into you at future barcrafts. And I know user Symmetry will be at barcraft, he's a nice guy. If there are more like him, you'll be in good company there.
So tl;dr, just keep doing what you like to do and eventually you'll meet people who like those things also. The universe seems to have a way of working itself out like that.
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