Ok right, my mum and dad have been split up for about 5 years. Me and my dad were really close (i am 14), and hes found himself a girlfriend, it turns she's an absolute *****, they have been on about 5 holidays this year for 2-4 weeks each one. I have a chat with him about how i feel his pushing us away, and she is trying to create a barrier in-between us. So then they both split up about two days after we had that chat. Suddenly he wants too do everything with me, we went surfing and stuff for a weekend etc... we arranged to go to see west brom tomorrow, with hospitality tickets. But today they have got back together and now hes canceled tomorrow go to some london west end show. So we had another chat, and he started saying how this time he will try and make sure that "she doesn't put a barrier in-between us." then explained how hes canceled the football thing... When he dropped me back at my mums house, he said that he should have a chat with my mum, i said that she will go nuts. And they both had a chat, my mum saying that you cant keep doing this to him(me) and soo on. then he walked out crying basically heart broken.
Now wtf do i do, hes my dad so i love him and i have sympathy for him, but i am also pissed off at him because hes acting like an idiot.
I was never a divorce child, so I'm not sure how I would approach it if I were in the situation. But just don't worry about it. Really. Don't worry about what to do or who to talk to or whatever, you're a kid, you don't need to be all worried or stressed about anything. Value your childhood while you still have it, save the worrying for when you're an adult.
Oh, and taking a moment to edit in some paragraphs wouldn't hurt either!
Your dad has a life he wants to enjoy too. However, I'd be angry too if the reason he broke it off was to spend more time with the me, and then canceled those plans because they got back together. But try to cut him some slack though. Trying to balance a new love life with an old family is hard and feelings like this are almost inevitable. The fact that you talked about it and let him know how you feel is a good step in the right direction.
edit: And imo, ignore that guy above me. Saying 'stop worrying, enjoy your childhood' is condescending and ignores the fact that you have emotional and psychological needs that are just like any adult's. It's not like you're worrying about the stock market, this is your fucking dad.
Considerations on both sides. Your parents are split up, and he has a right to his own life. On the other hand, he still does have an obligation to raise you - but how much time and attention is required for that is variable.
Personally I was in the same situation: I let my father (and mother) carry on with what they wanted, and spent more time with the parent that had less outside obligations. Now my father is remarried and settled down from the chaos of splitting up. I'm not particularly close to either of my parents, and I'm fine with that.
It's part of growing up that you need to become less dependent on your parents for gratification. TBH if have already sat down and talked to him straight up about it and he didn't listen, then let him be. He is an adult and can make his own decisions. You are at the age where you need to also start maturing and being less reliant on parental guidance.
My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old about, so it was a tough period and I got over it pretty quickly. When my parents began new relationships they barely had any time for me but to be honest I just did my own thing and TRIED to do stuff with them. It would rarely work, but it was alright I would just go on doing my own thing. Things DO settle down after a while. In my opinion you should go see your dad and explain to him that you support his relationships and that he can put the time he needs into them, but also to try to take care of you once in a while. I'm sure he'll manage, because no doubt he loves you very much, yet being a parent ain't easy especially in the situation he's in, so give him a chance.
I don't have too much background so it's pretty hard to give good advice. But what about trying to spend some time as a group of 3 with your dad and his new girlfriend? It seems like your dad want to spend time with you which is a great thing but seems to have problems managing his time between his new gf and you. I don't know so I can't tell but maybe she isn't such a bad person and you just don't like her because she "steals" time with your dad? If she doesn't even want to meet you and/or doesn't like kids or w/e you should talk with your dad and he should get his priorities right, but in general it's hard for children to accept the new partners of the split up parents. I myself had a terrible time with that, I hated them, but now I have an absolutely amazing relationship with my stepparents (famous quote of mine to the question what my parents do: "They are teachers, all 4 of them" - it was bascially the turning point in my relationship to my stepparents).
So yea, talk to your dad again, tell him that it hurted that he cancelled the football thing (that was really fucked up) and try to figure something out between you 3.
Also ofc you should be somewhat independent but spending /wanting to spend some time with your dad is your right and you should do so.
You will understand better in a few years when you have a girlfriend and less time to spend with your dad. My parents were divorced when I was 13 and after that my dad's girlfriend and then wife took up a lot of his time. That is just how life works.
Sounds to me like he just needs to learn how to balance his relationship with her, and his relationship with you. It isn't easy, there isn't one right answer. It's something I think he'll have to find out for himself, how much time is best to be spending with her, and how much time should he be spending with you? In reality, it isn't about how much time one person thinks he SHOULD be spending with them or the other, but rather how much he wants to and/or feels is right.
Divorce makes things complicated, but if he loves you, and he loves her, I believe that it'll work out with time, albeit some difficulty in between. As hard as it might be, you need to respect his decisions and feelings; while I think a parent's decisions will usually fall in line with what is best for their child's and ideally always will, this is not always the case (e.g. divorce, possibility of less time with you and more time with new gf), and I think if the two aren't in line then it would be unreasonable and unfair to ask for someone to give up their decision, life, and right to choices and to sacrifice EVERYTHING for a child. In other words, while most of the time a parent will natural sacrifice for their child, and be making decisions that they feel are best for themselves and happen to also be best for their child, sometimes a parent's decisions, especially post-divorce, will not be what's best for you, but what is best for them.
I'm sure it's hard, but do your best to want what's best for him, whatever that may be (if you feel his girlfriend is objectively rotten/not for him, keyword OBJECTIVELY, then just be aware of this, and I don't see how he wouldn't realize it with time). You are important as well, of course, but it sounds like your mom is trying to do what is best for both her AND you, while your dad is kinda moving on from past life while still loves you, though learning how to balance you and gf.
Good luck, and above all I would say that you should not act so selfishly as to have an attitude of "pick one, me or your girlfriend", as it seems to me your dad really cares about both of you, and asking something like that of someone, hell, even making them THINK that's what you're asking (I imagine he feels atm like this is almost the case, probably not totally but..), is totally unreasonable and really lacking of empathy.
On October 28 2011 23:46 Revolt wrote: i'm sorry, but the tone you wrote this in sounds severe. lol. it's not like your dad is dead.
you're 14, dont worry about these kinds of things.
Although I agree that he shouldn't worry about it but keep in mind it sounds he really cares for his dad to worry which totally fine. To be honest if it were me I'd let him have his fun but if he makes himself scarce in my life that's where the line should be drawn.
He can make her "stop" that barrier by completely breaking it off with her. Yeah it's cool he wants some fun but not with some woman that is trying to break you guys apart. Fuck that I would totally not want him to be with some bitch like that for both your sakes.
Sounds to me like he just needs to learn how to balance his relationship with her, and his relationship with you. It isn't easy, there isn't one right answer. It's something I think he'll have to find out for himself, how much time is best to be spending with her, and how much time should he be spending with you? In reality, it isn't about how much time one person thinks he SHOULD be spending with them or the other, but rather how much he wants to and/or feels is right.
Divorce makes things complicated, but if he loves you, and he loves her, I believe that it'll work out with time, albeit some difficulty in between. As hard as it might be, you need to respect his decisions and feelings; while I think a parent's decisions will usually fall in line with what is best for their child's and ideally always will, this is not always the case (e.g. divorce, possibility of less time with you and more time with new gf), and I think if the two aren't in line then it would be unreasonable and unfair to ask for someone to give up their decision, life, and right to choices and to sacrifice EVERYTHING for a child. In other words, while most of the time a parent will natural sacrifice for their child, and be making decisions that they feel are best for themselves and happen to also be best for their child, sometimes a parent's decisions, especially post-divorce, will not be what's best for you, but what is best for them.
I'm sure it's hard, but do your best to want what's best for him, whatever that may be (if you feel his girlfriend is objectively rotten/not for him, keyword OBJECTIVELY, then just be aware of this, and I don't see how he wouldn't realize it with time). You are important as well, of course, but it sounds like your mom is trying to do what is best for both her AND you, while your dad is kinda moving on from past life while still loves you, though learning how to balance you and gf.
Good luck, and above all I would say that you should not act so selfishly as to have an attitude of "pick one, me or your girlfriend", as it seems to me your dad really cares about both of you, and asking something like that of someone, hell, even making them THINK that's what you're asking (I imagine he feels atm like this is almost the case, probably not totally but..), is totally unreasonable and really lacking of empathy.
I did say i feel sorry for him. I dont want him to have to choose, i just want him to manage his time better and not let me down so many times. On fathers day me, my sister and him went out for dinner, it ended up her calling her having ago at him because hes not around...
Sounds to me like he just needs to learn how to balance his relationship with her, and his relationship with you. It isn't easy, there isn't one right answer. It's something I think he'll have to find out for himself, how much time is best to be spending with her, and how much time should he be spending with you? In reality, it isn't about how much time one person thinks he SHOULD be spending with them or the other, but rather how much he wants to and/or feels is right.
Divorce makes things complicated, but if he loves you, and he loves her, I believe that it'll work out with time, albeit some difficulty in between. As hard as it might be, you need to respect his decisions and feelings; while I think a parent's decisions will usually fall in line with what is best for their child's and ideally always will, this is not always the case (e.g. divorce, possibility of less time with you and more time with new gf), and I think if the two aren't in line then it would be unreasonable and unfair to ask for someone to give up their decision, life, and right to choices and to sacrifice EVERYTHING for a child. In other words, while most of the time a parent will natural sacrifice for their child, and be making decisions that they feel are best for themselves and happen to also be best for their child, sometimes a parent's decisions, especially post-divorce, will not be what's best for you, but what is best for them.
I'm sure it's hard, but do your best to want what's best for him, whatever that may be (if you feel his girlfriend is objectively rotten/not for him, keyword OBJECTIVELY, then just be aware of this, and I don't see how he wouldn't realize it with time). You are important as well, of course, but it sounds like your mom is trying to do what is best for both her AND you, while your dad is kinda moving on from past life while still loves you, though learning how to balance you and gf.
Good luck, and above all I would say that you should not act so selfishly as to have an attitude of "pick one, me or your girlfriend", as it seems to me your dad really cares about both of you, and asking something like that of someone, hell, even making them THINK that's what you're asking (I imagine he feels atm like this is almost the case, probably not totally but..), is totally unreasonable and really lacking of empathy.
I did say i feel sorry for him. I dont want him to have to choose, i just want him to manage his time better and not let me down so many times. On fathers day me, my sister and him went out for dinner, it ended up her calling her having ago at him because hes not around...
Yeah, I know. Did you read my whole post or just the tl;dr? Yeah, it sounds to me like she's a total bitch, but to be honest I would just let him know that you feel the attention she's demanding and lack of consideration she has towards you is wrong, and that while you want what's best for him, even if it means less time spent with you, he better be prepared to mean what he says and make a commitment to the time he DOES say he'll spend with you, or that your relationship is going to get a lot distant as will your respect for him/his decisions.
you must feel very let down by your dad and I am sure you really looked forward to cheering at the football game with him. But don't be to hard on your old guy either, it sounds like he really loves you, but is going trough a turbulent time atm, he is in pursuit of his own happiness and dreams in life. In the end he is not just your dad, he is a guy, he has fears, hopes and needs just like you.
I would not be to afraid about a woman coming between you and your dad, he cares for you on a different level, you are his own blood. I am sure that this woman is pulling him away a bit, love sucks up time. Right now he is trying to salvage the relation with the woman he likes, give him some time to focus on that. I do believe he now owes you a football game tho, be sure to go see a good match with your father when he has sailed his personal life into some calmer waters.
Ill just leave you with this video, maybe it will cheer you up a bit.
wow dude, unless im misreading, to me you sound very needy and childlike. its cool that you could tell your father how you feel but on the other hand you need to chill out a bit too. i think perhaps the intention of your OP was to emthasize more that you hate his "bitch" girlfriend and feel sorry for him (as says the title of the thread). i did notice that you didn't describe why you hate her so on that i cannot comment.
The best gift you can give a parent is to become a happy, strong, independent young person with your eyes on the future, so they don't need to worry about you.
You shouldn't have said that to him in the first place. Imagine what he has to endure: Dealing with an ex-wife, dating while being "past his prime", raising a son, holding a job, maintaining the financials of all of this. What do you have to endure? He's spending too much time away from you? Come on bro.
Edit: Can you clarify why he's an idiot? Here's my tl;dr:
1. He found a new girlfriend and was very exicted about dating her. 2. His son said he doesn't approve of the new girlfriend. 3. He immediately dumped the girlfriend to ensure his son was okay. 4. After discussing it, he tried again to date her again, promising his son he won't let their relationship take a back seat.
Which part of that makes him an idiot?
Edit 2: Man, kids fucking suck lol. As I get older I'm getting more and more turned off to the idea of kids. They're never fucking happy.
i think its good for him to be able to express himself - if he feels a certain way then he needs to express himself in order to learn how to deal with the problem. maybe it is a valid claim after all (he does admit he is VERY close to his father - in this situation dont you think it would be okay for them to confront each other with emotional issues and work together towards compromise?).
On October 28 2011 23:07 Tegu wrote: Now wtf do i do, hes my dad so i love him and i have sympathy for him, but i am also pissed off at him because hes acting like an idiot.
One thing you didn't discuss in your post is what she does that makes you react so negatively to her. Is she jumping in to acting "parental" with you when you don't really know her? Is it a reaction to her demands on your dad taking his time away from you? Or has she done something particularly rude or upsetting other than that?
Regarding your mom's reaction -- she's going through something very different than you are in all of this. Saying that it's not fair to you or to her for your dad to be seeing someone else is a justification for her feeling bad, when in fact it's more likely the failure of the relationship itself that upsets her. Thing is, she probably doesn't feel that she has the right to cling to that, so she expresses herself in terms of protecting you from the imagined bad results of what your dad is doing.
I'd offer the thought that your dad is in a challenging position of trying to balance off his desire to spend time with a new girlfriend with his desire to spend time with you. If you've been very close, it's certain that the one is going to take time away from the other, but that's not him rejecting you, it's just part of trying to have a balanced life.
As far as his new girlfriend goes, she's possibly in a difficult position too. She knows that her position in his life is not yet established enough for her to act like a parent toward you, and at the same time she probably has picked up on the fact that you perceive her as competing for his time and attention.
My advice is that you (a) make a conscious effort to give your father some space and let him see if this relationship is worthwhile to him. Realize that even if the two of them break up, he's probably going to be seeing someone else sooner or later and you'll have to come to terms with it. (b) When and if you're together with both of them, make an effort to reach out to her. Be respectful and try to find some common ground or interests. You may find that she warms up quite a bit if you give this some effort. And, (c) let your dad know that while you want to spend time with him when you can, that you support him having a full life of his own, and that with that in mind you'll let him know if you feel things are getting too distant. But, it's important that you really let him have that space.
My mom and dad divorced when I was a little older, in my early 20s, and while I had a little more life experience to carry me through that than you do, it still was difficult to see my mom in pain in ways nobody could really fix, and my first experiences with my dad's second wife were totally awkward as we tried to feel out how we would interact with each other.
Speaking now, though, 17 years later, my dad's second wife is a good friend and a fantastic person. She and my dad are, quite honestly, better suited to each other than my mom and dad were for each other, and I'm happy they have each other.
Getting to the point where I could see that really required consciously taking a step back and realizing that my parents' romantic lives weren't any better thought out than mine or those of my friends, and that the best I could do for them was support them in their difficult moments and let them have what happiness they could find for themselves without making the issue about me.
Regardless, I wish you the best.
Edit: Your dad &/or his girlfriend may be handling some of this clumsily, and you're doing the right thing to express what you feel you need from him. I'd just suggest that you take some of what I've offered and double-check that you're really setting reasonable expectations consistent with him being his own person rather than making an effort to compete with his new girlfriend for his time.
i wrote a lot saying basically chill you shouldnt assume every little detail in the guy and his fathers interactions. your list portrays OP as a psychopath and i could write a similar list portraying the father in an equally bad light.
however i have decided that it all infact hinges on how the father explained to the son the circumstances surrounding the cancellation of the football show.
now OP describes this very minimally. "then explained how hes canceled the football thing..."
if i was "making up" with my father and he provided a satisfactory response to "why did you cancel the football to hang out with someone else?" then i would not become dismissive and then angry. however, this is what the OP writes.
so we now decide if the OP was a) felt he was given an unsatisfactory response, eg white lies b) OP was given a satisfactory response and then over-reacted in an immature fashion (in brief) c) OP was given and accepted a satisfactory response but LATER became angry & feeling sorry with regards to his dad
with this in mind, we now turn to the final paragraphs of the OP
" he said that he should have a chat with my mum, i said that she will go nuts. And they both had a chat, my mum saying that you cant keep doing this to him(me) and soo on. then he walked out crying basically heart broken."
OP later writes
"I did say i feel sorry for him. I dont want him to have to choose, i just want him to manage his time better and not let me down so many times. On fathers day me, my sister and him went out for dinner, it ended up her calling her having ago at him because hes not around..."
Now, why does OP think his father is acting like an idiot? - not spending enough time with him (you cannot assume that this is not a legit claim!) - he hates the girlfriend (again, you cannot assume that this is not legit!) - being disorganised (unsatisfactory response re football) - talking to his ex-wife and getting shouted at (the son knew this was a bad idea because he has an understanding of his mom and dads relationship)
To me, OP is potentially very immature and needy, but he is also potentially an out-spoken "problem-confronter" (rather than a "conflict-avoider") . as much as you can assume that he is immature and a daddy's boy, you can also assume that he is quite mature and able to express openly and deal with emotional or social issues and work to a compromise.
EPT
