Anyhow on to the issue... so I've been dating this girl for two years and kept it a secret from my parents (im 22 btw). My parents are very asian... not saying that in a bad manner, I am chinese after all, but they never like it when I had a girlfriend. My girlfriend and I are doing well and I think it's time for me to introduce her to them. I've been a coward and she understands my situation. I suck I know. The reason why my parents don't want me having a gf is because they think she would distract me from my studies. So I kept it secret and I have been doing well in school and received many honors. My parents are very happy with my work right now and think everything is going normal.
This week I want to tell my parents the truth and introduce my girlfriend to them the next time she visits. How should I go about this? I'm just sorta scared to be honest ><
Oh... and shes caucasian too....
Update:.
Well.... so I told my parents and actually was very surprised.... So the thing they were most concerned about was the age gap... she is 3 years younger than me. I was like well 3 years right isn't that bad. My parents said that they are okay as long as it's what I want, but they just told me like not to get too attached and just to be careful because once a relationship gets serious its a big part of my life (good or bad I suppose). They also said that they don't care about race, which relieved me. However, she is an art major which they were sorta meh about since they expect me to find a "smart" girl if I were to have a girlfriend. I dunno my parents just think art is a wash and that sciences or business is king. I just tried to explain to them that that's what she loves and although she may not be good at science or math shes a talented artist.
They were more like "you can do better" rather than like "omg wtf girlfriend you lied to us blah blah"
Regardless it went well and there was no fighting at all. I can't say they are like absolutely ecstatic, but I will say that our relationship is fine. After I told them they took me out to my birthday dinner and bought me a lot of chocolate and gummies, I know Im 22 but I still think candy is awesome. I will introduce my GF to them the next time she comes over. Thanks to everyone for their support!
Be like "hey, I have a girlfriend!" When they flip or whatever about you throwing your life away and ruining your education. Let them go on for a while. Then say "we've been dating for 2 years."
That's cute. haha You clearly have a good argument. Being able to hide this girl from your parents and excell in your academics. I can't imagine if you told them the truth anything could go south. Though our backgrounds are very different. GL with what you decide to do.
I say go for it! You got thissS!! Invincible attitude.
2 years? Wow. I think the longer you keep it a secret the worse it is. I'm not sure if you should introduce her as a surprise..... wouldn't it be better if you told them first (assuming you would do this).
Not telling them immediately was probably logical considering their motivations... but haven't you proven that it's not a bad thing? Also, it's ridiculous to expect a 22 year old not to have any type of a romantic life and if they don't want it they will just have to live with it.
My girlfriend is Chinese and im white, and she was in the same situation as you. but as long as she is happy (my gf) her parents are supportive. I mean, you`re old enough to make your own decisions and as long as she is not a bad influence on you then it should be fine.
On October 02 2010 05:43 SpartiK1S wrote: Learn that real priorities in life, i.e. a girlfriend, supersede something like parent's actions/opinions. That's all you gotta do, life is simple.
I can understand the strict parents no-dating-while-in-school thing, but since you can show that you're responsible enough to balance grades and a relationship, I think they'll be fine. Yeah you're 22, they know you'll be dating eventually and you're old enough to make those decisions for yourself.
As long as your parents aren't racist, you have nothing to worry about. + Show Spoiler +
Okay guys, you don't seem to understand asians. Asian parents pay a lot of money for their kids to go to school, do amazing (3.8/4.0 GPA is "bad"), get great jobs, and take care of them until they are 140.
On October 02 2010 05:46 DoubleZee wrote: No offense, but grow up, you're 22. Your parents should have no weight in what decisions you make in your personal life.
you clearly don't understand Asian culture. We don't just abandon our parents once we turn 18. Family ties remain strong throughout our entire lives. The concept of an extended family is very important.
to more serious notes...nowadays i find it weird even for asian parents to be against their kids having relationships...I'm a korean and during high school years, I didn't have a gf for a big nerd i was (im big nerd now too :D)...and my parents always asked me if i date a girl and i should find a girl friend...and when I got a gf, they were all happy although they didn't want my gf to wear short skirts when we go to church...they seemed really awkward telling me to tell my gf not to wear short skirts at church :p
On October 02 2010 05:46 DoubleZee wrote: No offense, but grow up, you're 22. Your parents should have no weight in what decisions you make in your personal life.
you clearly don't understand Asian culture. We don't just abandon our parents once we turn 18. Family ties remain strong throughout our entire lives. The concept of an extended family is very important.
Yea, because clearly a white person like me could never understand a concept such as family values. Where did I say to abandon his parents? If he mans up and tells them they've been dating for 2 years without any negative affect on his studies, whats the problem?
haha asians, god. every asian ive ever fooled around with is like 'i dont think this is wrong personally, but if i talk to my parents about it they will kill me'
i cant imagine being an adult and being afraid to talk to your parents.
WHOA WAIT YOURE AN ASIAN DUDE WITH A WHITE GIRL? Fucking rights man you did it!!!!
Haha, the way I'd do it would be in the car (where 90% of my conversations with my dad happen), and ask him, "Hey dad, how would you feel if I were to start dating?" If the response is favorable, I go from there. If it's a no-go, I'd let it rest for a few days, then start again with a "Hey dad, when do you think I should start dating?" Still a no-go, then after a few more days, I'd go, "Hey dad, when did you start dating?"
It's pretty indirect, but I found with my dad he needs time to process things, so I get him to start thinking about the issue well in advance before I come down to an actual real "conversation" about it. (Conversation which consist of him either lecturing me for 2hrs, or telling me stories and advice for 2hrs lol)
I'm probably racist for feeling this way, but it makes me really happy to see an asian male with a white female. Kinda like sticking it to the Man, you know? (conversely, I get pissed off whenever I see an asian girl with a white guy. WTF stop stealing our women!) lololol jk...mostly =P
If you are doing so well as you say I'm sure your parents will understand that you are a responsible young man capable of making his own relationship decisions. Not to offend you but in my culture it would be very strange for 22 to need permission. I suggest asking your parents to come to dinner with you guys and introduce her (tell them before you goto dinner lol.)
On October 02 2010 05:46 DoubleZee wrote: No offense, but grow up, you're 22. Your parents should have no weight in what decisions you make in your personal life.
yeah I agree with this guy just tell them already...
Tell them, if they argue just ignore it. If they argue very badly tell them to fuck off.
If they are very persistant in being annoying tell them they really should stop if they want to remain on good term with you, tell them you're twenty two and baby sitting is over.
If everything fails tell your parents a man of this age need to put his dick somewhere to not turn mad and be able to actually focus on something else. Really, sex at this age for a boy is the best thing for him to stop thinking about it... just as long as you do not give her too much time saboting your study time and stuff. If they do not understand facepalm and worry about their own sexlife
I was in a similar position when I was 17. Except it was more like "Hey mom & dad, I was dating this person for 2 years and then we broke up a few months ago....now I'm dating someone else! Surprise!"
I also come from a conservative Asian family, and my parents took it surprisingly well. Turns out they sort of knew/guessed I was dating someone anyway. It's difficult to hide secrets for that long from your parents lol.
Just casually tell them you're dating someone, and that you've been with her for 2 years. If they flip out, point out that your marks have not dropped at all in the past 2 years so they really have nothing to worry about. I imagine they would be a little miffed at first, but they'll accept it eventually.
Every single girl I've gone out with has been white (I'm Korean). My parents didn't really like my first 'serious' girlfriend at first, but they warmed up to her when they saw that she was not a threat to my education or lifestyle, and that she was a genuinely nice girl. I think I "revealed" my secret to my parents 2 months into it, and even then I felt bad. I felt like a coward because I wasn't respecting my girl, bowing down to my parents authority and judgement.
It doesn't matter what your parents think. Two years is far too long. If you really cared, respected, and loved her, it should've happened much earlier in your relationship. It's only fair for her to be acknowledged as an important part of your life.
On October 02 2010 06:10 Masamune wrote: you're fucking 22 just tell them. they'll probably be relieved you aren't gay.
this actually made me burst out laughing and is probably more accurate than you'd think. While not having a girlfriend is probably their wish, every dad secretly wonders if their kid is a closet case if they aren't ever bringing women around.
lol @ being 22 and afraid to tell your parents something, that is an interesting aspect of life that inclines me to want to meet more asian people as their numbers are quite small here.
anyways
just DO IT, when you tell them you've been dating for 2 years there's nothing they can say. Well i mean any irrational person could try, but they'd look like an idiot
On October 02 2010 06:03 Chill wrote: WHOA WAIT YOURE AN ASIAN DUDE WITH A WHITE GIRL? Fucking rights man you did it!!!!
is it really that hard? i always thought the only reason there are 10x more azn girl/white guy couples than azn guy/white girl couples was because most of the time the azn girl > white girl.
On October 02 2010 06:28 rezoacken wrote: Tell them, if they argue just ignore it. If they argue very badly tell them to fuck off.
If they are very persistant in being annoying tell them they really should stop if they want to remain on good term with you, tell them you're twenty two and baby sitting is over.
If everything fails tell your parents a man of this age need to put his dick somewhere to not turn mad and be able to actually focus on something else. Really, sex at this age for a boy is the best thing for him to stop thinking about it... just as long as you do not give her too much time saboting your study time and stuff. If they do not understand facepalm and worry about their own sexlife
Don't do this, bad advice. Should always show respect to your parents, why bring in the negativity?
I think you just gotta tell them straight up. The sooner the better at this point.
Let's just do the exercise of weighing the consequences. What is going to happen if you tell them?
Are they going to yell at you? Fuck it just let them yell to their hearts content. Don't bother arguing back, it's a pointless endeavor. Logical arguments do not apply.
Are they going to try and force you to break up with her? Do they have any kind of leverage on you? At your age, I assume any leverage that they have is not nearly substantial enough.
Are they going to disown you? If so, then fuck them, they're douches.
Tell them you're engaged to her, either they'll freak or they'll ask when will you be having a baby. You know them asian parents love having grandkids.
On October 02 2010 06:51 polgas wrote: Mom, Dad, I have a few confessions to make. 1. I have a girlfriend. 2. She's white. 3. She's pregnant. Ahahaha, got you! She's not pregnant!
Best advice so far. Hopefully this doesn't turn into a typical TL fail girl blog.
On October 02 2010 05:46 DoubleZee wrote: No offense, but grow up, you're 22. Your parents should have no weight in what decisions you make in your personal life.
yeah I agree with this guy just tell them already...
His parents are asian. (Not being racist here, so are mine ) My parents say I should get a GF... rather than staying home all day.
Anyways: I think you should say it in Chinese. They will take it better that way
Hi, I'm a Chinese guy who is actually married to a Caucasian girl. We met in undergrad and after a few years started dating and we got married 2 years ago. I'd like to offer my perspective...
First, I think that for non-Asians (by Asian, I mean Far East, since I'm not qualified to speak for all of Asia) to understand the Asian mind-set takes a lot of exposure. In my experience, North American Caucasians tend to believe that everyone in the world has similar values, thought processes, likes/dislikes, etc. This usually means that Caucasian advice to Asian friends is well-intended but not always useful in practice.
Anyway, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming that you're not living at home since you've had a girlfriend for 2 years. (Otherwise, you should apply to an intelligence agency and start your career there! =)!) In my experience, it is the fear of feeling as though you have let down your parents or having them express disappointment which usually holds Chinese children back from sharing good news.
1) Remember, this is GOOD NEWS, and you should be happy for yourself. Not telling your parents will probably tear you up inside if it goes on any longer so when you share it with them don't act ashamed or embarrassed. Be proud and even if it's hard, do it with confidence. You'll always remember the moment so you don't want to ruin it.
2) Your parents are proud of you and they want you to succeed. They only tell you scary stuff when you're young so you make good decisions. You've proven yourself already, and this is just one more thing to show them how successful you are.
3) It sucks but don't have her there. One wrong facial expression and your girlfriend might start to think bad things which will be really hard for her to forget. Introduce her next time but do it in a neutral environment like dim sum so that it's not awkward.
4) It won't go as bad as you fear. Your parents will like her if you like her. They'll even treat her better than they treat you. You'll see. =)
Just tell them. I mean, you have good grades and have many honors while dating her for 2 years. That's prove enough that you aren't distracted by her. Heck, you can say that she motivates you even more.
WHERE ARE BALLER AND BROOD... I'm sure they could give you stellar advice. Although if you can't wait for them here's my advice, get married, have nine children, invite your parents over one day and be like "oh damn I guess I forgot to tell you, sorry my bad"
lol I'm an Asian guy and I've only dated white girls. The girl I'm dating now is 100% german. Maybe it's cuz I'm only half, but I don't think it's that weird.
Thanks for the advice everyone, I think I'm just going to tell them over dinner tonight. The funny thing is... its my birthday today as well hahaha so maybe that will soften the blow maybe....
I think I will be okay I'm a lot more confident now. Thanks for all the comments everyone, you guys are right, shes too important for me to be a coward for any longer. I'm 22 now and I can handle a relationship while keeping grades up.
The reason why I am always scared to tell my parents isn't because I'm afraid they will spank me or something... so for all of you saying like man up and stuff its not that. I'm scared because I want them to be happy and on good terms with me because if they got mad at me I would just feel like shit and I really don't feel like having a ridiculous argument with them. I'm well aware they can't really do anything, but they can certainly make me feel really shitty. Also the MAINNNN thing is I want them to accept her, even if I say fuck you and leave, I'll feel horrible that they wont accept us... and I know my gf will be sad too... I'm not controlled by my parents, I got a gf regardless of what they told me so I already sorta didn't care about what they said... but now that I want to tell them its a lot harder...
Regardless, I'm tired of being scared now and I want to tell them about her.
So in 2 hours when my mom gets back an we sit down to eat... time to tell... I'm just going to be direct lol.
If you have a hard time telling them, then you could ask them questions like these: What would you think if I had a girlfriend? What if I already had one for 2 years? What if there's actually no "if" in my previous questions?
On October 02 2010 05:52 intrigue wrote: do you live at home?
I live in my apartment near my college. My home is about an hour from there so I do come home on weekends to meet with my parents unless I have other plans. So we do see eachother fine and I visit her, but she's never been to my house or seen my parents before. We have traveled together and everything, but I always never told my parents the truth about when I went out on big trips. I would be like yeah I'm going out to this place this weekend with my friends blah blah, but in reality I would go see her or we would go out somewhere together.
On October 02 2010 09:45 Kennelie wrote: First inform them of your white girlfriend. Then when you physically introduce ur white girlfriend you tell them this
I'm white and was seeing an Asian girl this summer. She was terrified to tell her family about me. Four months into it she finally did. They told her to break off all contact with me. What did she do?Well, she broke off all contact with me. We haven't spoken since late August.
That's worse case scenario right there.
Tell your parents, but be man enough to make your own decision on who you want to be with in your life. If they tell you to break it off with this girl, and you actually listen to them, then I hope you get run over by a semi-truck.
I'll never understand why some people just can't seem to stand up to their parents. It's your life you're living, not theirs.
I dated an Asian girl for some time and there's always this sort of situation.
Just let them know that you're seeing someone, and decide after that how much information you want to add into that. See the above post: if they tell you what to do, remember that you're an adult and it's your call. There's a huge difference between respecting your parents and obeying them in everything.
On October 02 2010 10:01 CuteSmallHydra wrote: Please grow a spine.
I'm white and was seeing an Asian girl this summer. She was terrified to tell her family about me. Four months into it she finally did. They told her to break off all contact with me. What did she do?Well, she broke off all contact with me. We haven't spoken since late August.
That's worse case scenario right there.
Tell your parents, but be man enough to make your own decision on who you want to be with in your life. If they tell you to break it off with this girl, and you actually listen to them, then I hope you get run over by a semi-truck.
I'll never understand why some people just can't seem to stand up to their parents. It's your life you're living, not theirs.
I already went against my parents will because I love her I didn't let them control me and her dating at all. After this long I want them to accept her even if they don't I will still date her and hide it even if they forbid me, but they are my parents and I still want their acceptance. The girl you dated left you because she didn't have the courage to stand up after her parents forbade her, but I know my parents can't control me. I'm scared because if they don't accept it then I won't be on good terms with them and through thick and thin my parents have been there for me even though they disagree on certain things, they are my parents. In addition, I'm sure she wants to be accepted by my parents as well and I just wanted advice from people who may have been in similar situations. Depending on how I present this issue can change a lot.
On October 02 2010 10:01 CuteSmallHydra wrote: Please grow a spine.
I'm white and was seeing an Asian girl this summer. She was terrified to tell her family about me. Four months into it she finally did. They told her to break off all contact with me. What did she do?Well, she broke off all contact with me. We haven't spoken since late August.
That's worse case scenario right there.
Tell your parents, but be man enough to make your own decision on who you want to be with in your life. If they tell you to break it off with this girl, and you actually listen to them, then I hope you get run over by a semi-truck.
I'll never understand why some people just can't seem to stand up to their parents. It's your life you're living, not theirs.
Wow where do you live? China? Unless she is a fob, most parents of CBC girls in Canada I've met are pretty chill about stuff like this.
Just go back home, have dinner with your parents. Find the right moment and then tell them. You are gonna graduate soon I guess? Maybe you should start from that , tell you parents its maybe time for you to find a girlfriend...if they are cool with it, you go ahead and tell her you already got one. If somehow they still dislike the idea you have a gf, I'd suggest you may want to hold if off and not telling them. God knows how your parents will react... All things aside, I'm very surprise that you live in the US and 22 and your parents forbid you from having a gf.... I introduced my first gf to my parents when I'm 17 and I live in Vietnam O_O.
Yeah just tell them. It's not like you are planning to dropout and elope.. you've managed for the last 2 years.
Your gf might be understanding, but I think it would be the manly thing on your end to not be hiding her like you are ashamed or something. Don't think they'd mind the white gf that much tbh- Bruce Lee did it! lol.
If your GF was asian , it'd be fine. Stereotypical asian parents don't really think highly of other races other than the orient. When I introduced my parents to my cauasian GF (all she was was "Hi, nice to meet you!"), they told me to break up with her asap because cauasian girls smoke, drink, do drugs and do very bad in school. When I broke up with her (not cause of parents) and told my parents I was dating someone else now, their first response was "Is she asian?".
Jesus, a white girlfriend? GL HF. Chinese parents are stubborn dicks when it comes to stereotyping. Hopefully yours are a little more easy-going. By the by, don't let me scare you -- I'm sure you know and expect this stuff, but they need to be told, anyway.
I already went against my parents will because I love her I didn't let them control me and her dating at all. After this long I want them to accept her even if they don't I will still date her and hide it even if they forbid me, but they are my parents and I still want their acceptance. The girl you dated left you because she didn't have the courage to stand up after her parents forbade her, but I know my parents can't control me. I'm scared because if they don't accept it then I won't be on good terms with them and through thick and thin my parents have been there for me even though they disagree on certain things, they are my parents. In addition, I'm sure she wants to be accepted by my parents as well and I just wanted advice from people who may have been in similar situations. Depending on how I present this issue can change a lot.
Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what happened. There was nothing I could do to change her family's perspective of me, and before we could even decide on anything she chickened out and ran away from the problem.
So it all comes down to what you do. Stand up or run.
You've gotta have the courage to stand up to your parents if you truly want to be with this girl. Don't let their narrow-minded view have such a dramatic impact on your life.
I'm still bitter about what happened on my end, so when I saw your post I went all "this guy BETTER not be ditching his girl just because his parents say so..." so I really do hope things work out for the two of you. Best of luck.
On October 02 2010 10:01 CuteSmallHydra wrote: Please grow a spine.
I'm white and was seeing an Asian girl this summer. She was terrified to tell her family about me. Four months into it she finally did. They told her to break off all contact with me. What did she do?Well, she broke off all contact with me. We haven't spoken since late August.
That's worse case scenario right there.
Tell your parents, but be man enough to make your own decision on who you want to be with in your life. If they tell you to break it off with this girl, and you actually listen to them, then I hope you get run over by a semi-truck.
I'll never understand why some people just can't seem to stand up to their parents. It's your life you're living, not theirs.
Wait I don't understand this.. you tell him to grow a spine, then you recount how much it failed when your girlfriend grew a spine and told her parents.. and you expect him to do it?
Lol my mother used to do the same crap, she never knew I lost my virginity at 15 till I didn't live with her anymore. She used to be so god damn nosy with any girl I'd talk to on the phone and would literally butt in and ask how did she know me and crap and would make my life miserable. But yeah, if you've been with your girl that long, might as well break the news sometime soon and get it over with. Hell the suspense is killing me.
On October 02 2010 10:01 CuteSmallHydra wrote: Please grow a spine.
I'm white and was seeing an Asian girl this summer. She was terrified to tell her family about me. Four months into it she finally did. They told her to break off all contact with me. What did she do?Well, she broke off all contact with me. We haven't spoken since late August.
That's worse case scenario right there.
Tell your parents, but be man enough to make your own decision on who you want to be with in your life. If they tell you to break it off with this girl, and you actually listen to them, then I hope you get run over by a semi-truck.
I'll never understand why some people just can't seem to stand up to their parents. It's your life you're living, not theirs.
Wait I don't understand this.. you tell him to grow a spine, then you recount how much it failed when your girlfriend grew a spine and told her parents.. and you expect him to do it?
Lol, yeah, that worst case scenario is pretty damn bad. Usually, you try to say, "That's the worst case scenario, but see how it's still alright? Everything will be fine!"
That was more along the lines of, "That's the worst case scenario. Wow, is it awful..."
update? Appletart did you ever introduce your lady to your parents? The suspense is killing me and i been sitting here at edge of my seat since my last post. How was the full blown panic attack when you told them?
Or did you end up like this?
The girl you dated left you because she didn't have the courage to stand up after her parents forbade her
On October 03 2010 05:02 AssuredVacancy wrote: Wait I don't understand this.. you tell him to grow a spine, then you recount how much it failed when your girlfriend grew a spine and told her parents.. and you expect him to do it?
She never did grow a spine. That was the problem.
On October 03 2010 06:38 DTK-m2 wrote: Lol, yeah, that worst case scenario is pretty damn bad. Usually, you try to say, "That's the worst case scenario, but see how it's still alright? Everything will be fine!"
That was more along the lines of, "That's the worst case scenario. Wow, is it awful..."
Well, yeah, what I was going for was "this is worst case scenario. If you want to avoid it you need to stand up to your parents and not let them run your life."
Though all Asian kids are driven by their parents to be geniuses, of course, only a few of them are actually capable of being geniuses. Those that aren't live constantly under the vague impression that their parents wish their kids were better, while those who ARE, of course, live constantly under the vague impression that their parents believe they COULD be doing better.
Obviously such academic pressure leaves no time for a social life. Dating isn't mentioned in the Asian household, and girls only come up as a topic of discussion if they're horrifically smart and if your parents want to compare you to them. If dating is allowed, of course, the girlfriend must be Asian and must be smart (though not as smart as you, of course, as that would hurt the Family Honor). The end result is that Asian kids are disproportionately Book Smart over Street Smart. They can explain to you the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus but never grasp the fundamental rules of dating. Of course, there are Asian kids who don't listen to these parents. They might go out, switch girlfriends monthly like they're football players, and never study and always party. These kids are disowned and never mentioned to the relatives.
This trend continues into college somewhat, until about the age of 21 or so. By this point the Asian child's path in life is relatively clear, and the Asian parents begin the OTHER inevitable lines that every Asian child hears in their lifetime: "Why haven't you met a nice Chinese/Japanese/Korean/Vietnamese/ etc girl yet and given us grandchildren?" Asian parents are usually oblivious to the fact that they've systematically destroyed the social competence of their children, yet they expect them to be smooth maverick playboys as young adults, charming women all around. An Asian son who fails to maintain a steady girlfriend and fiancee faces increasingly irritating 'advice' on how to find women and insinuations that he might be gay. This vicious one-two punch of social emasculation and later social expectation pretty much means that the Asian son is under constant pressure from the time he enters grade school to the time he's produced grandchildren.
My advice is to tell them and since you have been hiding it for 2 years, they might get pissed off by that. Their anger might or might not last too long, but who knows. Hopefully, they will be a little chill about it since you have been doing well in school while being in a relationship. I know that there are the stereotypes of Asian families, but not all of them are like that.
Surprisingly, many Asian parents are actually very reasonable. They're not as homogeneous as people may assume, their reactions will vary widely by personality.
Here's a worst case scenario, my parents didn't want me dating, hated my girlfriend, would badmouth her constantly her to everyone they could talk to, go on rants about how much they hated her every time the subject came up, and whenever they visited/called, would say, "I bet SHE's around!". And this was because she was the wrong ethnicity of Asian.
But then again, they're the sort of parents who would be happier if I did things their way and was miserable/unsuccessful versus the other way around. So the question is do your parents care more about you or their ideas on parenting? If they care most about you, everything will be fine.
Look at yourself: you are 22 years old, are getting honors, somehow managed to get a caucasian girl as your girlfriend when you are Asian....What do your parents have to be displeased about?
Sit your parents down and tell them: Hey, I've had a girlfriend for the past two years and I want you guys to know. It's important that you only say this for the time being or else you might sound confrontational.
If they get mad and rant about schoolwork, point out your good grades. If they're still mad, then either politely remind them that you are 22 and do not need to listen to them anymore, nor have you had to listen to them for some time, or talk about how your girlfriend is a great person and you want them to meet her so they can see for themselves and give approval.
Don't get defensive or be directly confrontational and I think your parents will take it pretty well. If they don't ask to see her then I think you should bring it up yourself (better in the long run). Now, I'm assuming your girlfriend isn't trashy or slutty or whatever.
Many advices given here were given without any understanding of the Asian culture.
An important thing to know: You can have many partners in life, but you only have two parents. If you hurt them/disappoint your parents in anyway, you carry that for life. This is a big deal for Asians. This is what the OP is going through, he doesn't want to cause his parents to react negatively and have a big argument or fight. It is SO disrespectful to do so. People think oh, stop being spineless and just tell them and let them yell, what can they do. Have you no regards for your parent's feelings?
Gaining family acceptance for your partner is a big deal for Asians. Sure, the parent's can't do anything about it, but without family acceptance, it really sucks, since the extended family concept is deeply ingrained in Asian culture. Caucasians are not as easily accepted into Asian families due to cultural differences. It is normal for white girls to hug and kiss their guy friends as a greeting, but it may be seen as unacceptable for Asian families. Remember that "face" is important for Asian parents too.
Also, guess what happens when things don't work out? Asians parents will have to pick up the scraps for you, because they are your parents and they care for you. For an (exaggerated) example, if you end up having a kid and your marriage fails when you are still very young, they will have to look after your kid for you and let you continue studies rather then let you drop out of college and give up your lifelong dreams. Because they are your parents. Caucasian parents are usually less likely to do so, since their culture is more individual-independence based rather than the extended family.
Now obviously this does not mean you must always do as your parents wish without any regards to yourself and grow up to be the perfect specimen of what they have been molding you towards for your entire life. However it does mean more consideration should be undertaken. Which is why OP is asking here. My advice is to fully identify and understand where the stigma is coming from via multiple conversations and discussions, then attempting to change their views slowly. I wish all the best with OP's plans though.
Well.... so I told my parents and actually was very surprised.... So the thing they were most concerned about was the age gap... she is 3 years younger than me. I was like well 3 years right isn't that bad. My parents said that they are okay as long as it's what I want, but they just told me like not to get too attached and just to be careful because once a relationship gets serious its a big part of my life (good or bad I suppose). They also said that they don't care about race, which relieved me. However, she is an art major which they were sorta meh about since they expect me to find a "smart" girl if I were to have a girlfriend. I dunno my parents just think art is a wash and that sciences or business is king. I just tried to explain to them that that's what she loves and although she may not be good at science or math shes a talented artist.
They were more like "you can do better" rather than like "omg wtf girlfriend you lied to us blah blah"
Regardless it went well and there was no fighting at all. I can't say they are like absolutely ecstatic, but I will say that our relationship is fine. After I told them they took me out to my birthday dinner and bought me a lot of chocolate and gummies, I know Im 22 but I still think candy is awesome. I will introduce my GF to them the next time she comes over. Thanks to everyone for their support!
"DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND A WHITE CHICK AS AN ASIAN GUY DAMNIT DAD!"
I should have said this damnnit...
Thanks for the Bday wishes Caphe!
FWIW me and my lady are a 4 year age gap (well, 4 and a half). My neighbors are 42 and 48 so they are an even larger. Age gaps (imo) are one of those things that's personal. Some people think anything over 2 years apart is CRAZY. It's RIDICULOUS. It's Cradiculous?
Others, like myself, don't really care. It's all in the woman. (or man. )
Though all Asian kids are driven by their parents to be geniuses, of course, only a few of them are actually capable of being geniuses. Those that aren't live constantly under the vague impression that their parents wish their kids were better, while those who ARE, of course, live constantly under the vague impression that their parents believe they COULD be doing better.
Obviously such academic pressure leaves no time for a social life. Dating isn't mentioned in the Asian household, and girls only come up as a topic of discussion if they're horrifically smart and if your parents want to compare you to them. If dating is allowed, of course, the girlfriend must be Asian and must be smart (though not as smart as you, of course, as that would hurt the Family Honor). The end result is that Asian kids are disproportionately Book Smart over Street Smart. They can explain to you the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus but never grasp the fundamental rules of dating. Of course, there are Asian kids who don't listen to these parents. They might go out, switch girlfriends monthly like they're football players, and never study and always party. These kids are disowned and never mentioned to the relatives.
This trend continues into college somewhat, until about the age of 21 or so. By this point the Asian child's path in life is relatively clear, and the Asian parents begin the OTHER inevitable lines that every Asian child hears in their lifetime: "Why haven't you met a nice Chinese/Japanese/Korean/Vietnamese/ etc girl yet and given us grandchildren?" Asian parents are usually oblivious to the fact that they've systematically destroyed the social competence of their children, yet they expect them to be smooth maverick playboys as young adults, charming women all around. An Asian son who fails to maintain a steady girlfriend and fiancee faces increasingly irritating 'advice' on how to find women and insinuations that he might be gay. This vicious one-two punch of social emasculation and later social expectation pretty much means that the Asian son is under constant pressure from the time he enters grade school to the time he's produced grandchildren.
My advice is to tell them and since you have been hiding it for 2 years, they might get pissed off by that. Their anger might or might not last too long, but who knows. Hopefully, they will be a little chill about it since you have been doing well in school while being in a relationship. I know that there are the stereotypes of Asian families, but not all of them are like that.
Oh my god, I never thought of it this way. "You be genius now! Be playboy later with no experience with women then make me many grandchildren!"
that's awesome that you finally told them. Don't worry about them disliking your g/fs passion, parents will bitch about anything you do/have no matter what, plus it lets them bitch what their good at.
On October 04 2010 02:37 AppleTart wrote: I will introduce my GF to them the next time she comes over. Thanks to everyone for their support!
For shits and giggles try throwing this along with the introducing, preferably right after sitting down and before eating.
On October 02 2010 06:51 polgas wrote: 3. She's pregnant. Ahahaha, got you! She's not pregnant!
oh and see how long you can hold the silent pause.
On October 03 2010 20:33 pred470r wrote: Put her in bikini and make her go inside a cake, then at the end of your dinner with them be like "Surprise I have a girlfriend"
First make sure his parents don't have heart problems. Then do it.
On October 04 2010 02:37 AppleTart wrote: Well.... so I told my parents and actually was very surprised.... So the thing they were most concerned about was the age gap... she is 3 years younger than me. I was like well 3 years right isn't that bad. My parents said that they are okay as long as it's what I want, but they just told me like not to get too attached and just to be careful because once a relationship gets serious its a big part of my life (good or bad I suppose). They also said that they don't care about race, which relieved me. However, she is an art major which they were sorta meh about since they expect me to find a "smart" girl if I were to have a girlfriend. I dunno my parents just think art is a wash and that sciences or business is king. I just tried to explain to them that that's what she loves and although she may not be good at science or math shes a talented artist.
They were more like "you can do better" rather than like "omg wtf girlfriend you lied to us blah blah"
Regardless it went well and there was no fighting at all. I can't say they are like absolutely ecstatic, but I will say that our relationship is fine. After I told them they took me out to my birthday dinner and bought me a lot of chocolate and gummies, I know Im 22 but I still think candy is awesome. I will introduce my GF to them the next time she comes over. Thanks to everyone for their support!
On October 04 2010 06:30 Kennelie wrote: that's awesome that you finally told them. Don't worry about them disliking your g/fs passion, parents will bitch about anything you do/have no matter what, plus it lets them bitch what their good at.
GJ telling your parents. Just FYI, your parents will almost always think you can do better. My GF is probably the best girl I know (and this is very objective), and my parents still think I can do better....
It's pretty amazing that your parents are indifferent about her race though... (maybe they don't think you guys would get married?)
Just leave a used condom in the exact center of the kitchen floor. Your mum will find it real quick. And then she'll go start rumors to her relatives, they will gossip to the cousins, etc, and then just make sure one of your lil cousins knows you have a white girl on the DL. Then just wait for your parents to have one of those long awkward silences at the dinner table, until your father slowly clears his throat, and then brings up something completely innocuous about basketball or your schoolwork. Then your mother will shoot him a look of daggers, slap her chopsticks down on the table, turn to glare at you, and then demand to know why it is you haven't told them about your WHITE girlfriend.
You will then bow your head in shame, mumble something about love, your GPA, and how your children will be beautiful. Your mother will start crying, your father will grumble that his tea has gone cold, and you will slink off to your room, feeling like a puppy just died in your stomach. Later that night your girlfriend will sext you, and you will tell her that it's all over, your parents have found out, and that you love her very much but it is going to have to be the end for now. A few hours after that, you will wake up alone, in the dark, with a raging boner, and you will sext back and forth with her until 5 am, which is when you will pass out from exhaustion as the first rays of twilight leak in through the window panes.
On October 04 2010 11:10 StorkHwaiting wrote: Just leave a used condom in the exact center of the kitchen floor. Your mum will find it real quick. And then she'll go start rumors to her relatives, they will gossip to the cousins, etc, and then just make sure one of your lil cousins knows you have a white girl on the DL. Then just wait for your parents to have one of those long awkward silences at the dinner table, until your father slowly clears his throat, and then brings up something completely innocuous about basketball or your schoolwork. Then your mother will shoot him a look of daggers, slap her chopsticks down on the table, turn to glare at you, and then demand to know why it is you haven't told them about your WHITE girlfriend.
You will then bow your head in shame, mumble something about love, your GPA, and how your children will be beautiful. Your mother will start crying, your father will grumble that his tea has gone cold, and you will slink off to your room, feeling like a puppy just died in your stomach. Later that night your girlfriend will sext you, and you will tell her that it's all over, your parents have found out, and that you love her very much but it is going to have to be the end for now. A few hours after that, you will wake up alone, in the dark, with a raging boner, and you will sext back and forth with her until 5 am, which is when you will pass out from exhaustion as the first rays of twilight leak in through the window panes.
On October 04 2010 09:33 Cambium wrote: It's pretty amazing that your parents are indifferent about her race though... (maybe they don't think you guys would get married?)
yeah his parents are indifferent about race but they care what stream his gf is majoring in... I call bs.
If I know Asian culture, he wouldn't have been taken out for dinner if the girl was black lol
You're 22, she's 3 years younger than you and you've been dating for 2 years. So she was 17 and you were 20 when you met? Age is kind of a big deal when you're both around that age. But you've been together for 2 years so far and it seems to be working and it can definitely keep working. Good job telling your parents, I'm glad it went well. Good luck to you!
On October 04 2010 11:10 StorkHwaiting wrote: Just leave a used condom in the exact center of the kitchen floor. Your mum will find it real quick. And then she'll go start rumors to her relatives, they will gossip to the cousins, etc, and then just make sure one of your lil cousins knows you have a white girl on the DL. Then just wait for your parents to have one of those long awkward silences at the dinner table, until your father slowly clears his throat, and then brings up something completely innocuous about basketball or your schoolwork. Then your mother will shoot him a look of daggers, slap her chopsticks down on the table, turn to glare at you, and then demand to know why it is you haven't told them about your WHITE girlfriend.
You will then bow your head in shame, mumble something about love, your GPA, and how your children will be beautiful. Your mother will start crying, your father will grumble that his tea has gone cold, and you will slink off to your room, feeling like a puppy just died in your stomach. Later that night your girlfriend will sext you, and you will tell her that it's all over, your parents have found out, and that you love her very much but it is going to have to be the end for now. A few hours after that, you will wake up alone, in the dark, with a raging boner, and you will sext back and forth with her until 5 am, which is when you will pass out from exhaustion as the first rays of twilight leak in through the window panes.
LOOOOOOL
Btw, well done on talking to your parents, well done.
On October 02 2010 06:28 rezoacken wrote: Tell them, if they argue just ignore it. If they argue very badly tell them to fuck off.
If they are very persistant in being annoying tell them they really should stop if they want to remain on good term with you, tell them you're twenty two and baby sitting is over.
If everything fails tell your parents a man of this age need to put his dick somewhere to not turn mad and be able to actually focus on something else. Really, sex at this age for a boy is the best thing for him to stop thinking about it... just as long as you do not give her too much time saboting your study time and stuff. If they do not understand facepalm and worry about their own sexlife
Don't do this, bad advice. Should always show respect to your parents, why bring in the negativity?
Well actually that was good advice. This is just a step by step how to be a man when things go down a spiral. He told them, went well end of story no need to go on plan B which was to stand before them harder and harder.
On October 04 2010 14:12 seRapH wrote: ^^ that's beautiful.
and WHAT ART MAJOR that's like 20x bigger than her being white. seriously. in context of asian parents anyways.
Yeah my parents could care less about my girlfriend's ethnicity, I dated a hispanic chick for awhile and they were cool with it. But man, I couldn't even imagine how angry they'd be if they found out I was dating an artist, especially if she's not like an incredible musician or a nationally renowned artist or something. Would probably go like this for my parents:
Parents: So what does your gf do? Me: Oh she's an artist. P: Oh that's nice, you mean a hobby right? What does she do for a living? M: She's an artist, she's going to RISD right now to get her masters of fine arts (hypothetical situation) P: WTF, what the hell are you doing? You're just going to end up paying for everything. How come you can't be like your cousin and find a medical student or a lawyer or something. I hope you're not taking this seriously M: She likes art, its her passion, and we really have a deep connection. I've seen her art and I think she can make it big someday. P: FUCK THAT SHIT SHES JUST GONNA FAIL AND BE USELESS AND DRAIN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT BREAK UP NOW AND GO TO THE MEDICAL SCHOOL AND START GETTING ME SOME BETTER DAUGHTER IN LAW MATERIAL M: ffuuuuuuuuu
Your parents are right non-math/science/business majors are filth. Stay away unless its good ass. But yea my parents are the same way and i'm not even asian.
EPT
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