|
This is a tale of the problems of becoming best friends with someone you're in love with.
This tale skips around the countless hours we were totally awesome together - don't forget that, will you?
I've been friends with this girl for a few years. We met at work and I quickly became very attracted to her, so much so that just hearing her voice would give me an erection (in public!).
After a few weeks I text her (pretty dumb I know) saying that I'm attracted to her and what does she think? She replied saying she just thinks of me as a friend.
We became close friends, meeting up irregularly, texting, chatting online.
Every so often I would get extremely emotional about her and it would generally result or revolve around a fight.
There were two main basis for these fights. The first was that I was extremely attracted to her and would think that she is gradually reciprocating. The second (and primary) would be that my attraction for her made me EXTREMELY sensitive to the things she would say. Her being a very strong-headed (or should I say critical?) person, this would result in me getting upset and feel like shit.
I would confront her about my emotions, and she would be shocked and confused, saying that "I thought you got over this. How can we be friends if I have to always be careful about leading you on all the time?"
Note at this stage we are good friends, talking often. A lot of our conversations would be about how her life sucks, how she's lonely and hates her new job, etc. When you're in love with someone - and trying to keep these feelings at bay to maintain a friendship - its very very difficult when your friend keeps acting this way. If someone you love keeps telling you they're miserable and looking to you for comfort, you will a) feel miserable as fuck yourself and b) increasingly think you have a chance with them.
I moved in to live with her in a 3-bed apartment. We got on amazingly well, we both thought it was fantastic and grew to be awesome friends, hanging out all the time together.
We had another fight around the middle of this period. She was onto her ...3rd? boyfriend since I'd known her (not that its any of my business), and she told me he was coming back to the house to hang out. I pretty much freaked out uncontrollably, getting really moody for about an hour until she confronted me directly. I told her I can't cope emotionally with this (seeing her and her boyfriend together) and will stay in my room out of the way. She got really mad at this, again saying "I thought you got over this" and that she expected me to hang out with them and be a "proper friend".
I was pissed off she could't relate to me or respect how I was feeling, however childish my emotional state was. I was pissed off that yet again the fact that I was madly in love with her was something she'd completely forgotten about (even though we were spending every day together, she still didn't even realise I had sexual feelings for her!!).
I left the house eventually, on excellent terms (that last fight had only lasted an hour), and we continued our relationship chatting every day on MSN. She was still telling me how much her life sucks, both of us laughing a lot, and she was as always being a good friend and person to talk to.
Intermission.
Now, during our first fight I realised this was going to be a tough, tough relationship. My emotional feelings for this girl were off the charts. The obvious choice was to break contact for good. EVERYONE DOES THIS. Everyone takes the fucking easy way out. Every failed relationship, every unrequited love. Everyone would rather save themselves then continue and pursue what could be an awesome friendship if only they had the GUTS and STRENGTH to push forward and keep trying.
I've seen the internet comics of a guy wasting his whole life following round a girl he's obsessed with, her never even noticing him sexually and always dating other men around him.
Like I give a shit about this? This is my friend, an awesome intelligent interesting funny and fun person. And she cares about me too. I would be fucking rediculously weak to run away from this relationship just because I can't control my stupid fucking emotions and dick.
Cue our next fight. I was having a breakdown (far away from her still) and we hadn't talked online for a month. As usual, she started going on and on about her own emotional state (indirectly describing a breakup with another boyfriend). I just wanted her to comfort ME for once. I hadn't showered for a week, was living off alcohol, was failing everything, and I just expected her to realise and do or say....something!!
As usual, a lack of communication within a relationship leads to a breakdown in the relationship. I told her "just fuck off" and broke contact completely for 3 months.
I was ANGRY. Why didn't she realise I needed her? Why do I only enter her life when she has problems (Note: the answer to this is because she always has problems - as do I)? I was totally going through a breakdown and don't blame myself for acting like a knob in this period.
But it really got me asking myself...what SHOULD I expect from someone? What right do I have? Of course, it all comes down to failed communication me storming off in a huff.
So we're talking again now. She's moved house out of her shitty shitty life and beginning a new one. Again, I'm pretty much her only friend in the country. And I'm happy to be her friend again, and continuing.
After all these shitty fucking emotional fights, me feeling like shit because she completely forgets that I'm in love with her, and when I remind her she freaks out and tells me SHE feels uncomfortable with it, as if I don't have to put up with it evvvverrrry sinnngggleee daaaayyyy of my life.
I'm slowly maturing, trying my hardest to be a proper and unselfish friend. I don't know the best way to go about this. I doubt many people have even fucking tried to do this and got this far.
So we arrive at tonight. How long has it been since we were friends? 2 years? It seems a lot longer, probably coz all the time I've spent worry about her! 
It would be unfair to post logs because you would have to know a person intimately to understand exactly how and why they write a thing. Not to mention I would never breach a person's confidentiality.
She was typing about how lonely she is (again), how she's been lonely for 5 years and how she can manage another 5. I joked that I would sing her to sleep, and she said she'd like it if I read to her sometime when her connection is more stable. I said, "We'll see if you still want to do that when you're not feeling so lonely", because it felt to me like she was leading me on a bit with something so soppy and uncharacteristic like that. I don't want her to say things like that which lead me on into thinking she's becoming romantic with me.
My heart was beating like crazy, you could hear it in the other room. I wanted nothing more than to snuggle up beside her in bed and hold her tight.
So I told her what was on my mind: "You know I'm in love with you so it's not fair to say things like that to me".
Again, she was shocked. To HER she was just being friendly. To ME, I was feeling like she was ACCIDENTLY LEADING ME ON.
She said, like she had in the past, that I had suddenly made her very uncomfortable. She said, again, "I thought you had gotten over all this." She said "I would rather us just break contact than go through another fight again".
I said, "All I'm asking is you don't go overboard in laying your shit on me because it's really fucking painful to me, as someone who is in love with you but can't be with you."
HOW FUCKING SELFISH IS THAT? God I feel rediculous.
But is it selfish? People compromise in all relationships, don't they? Do I have a right to tell her how I'm feeling if its the truth? Isn't it the best course of action to actually say this to her as a friend so we can deal with it and move on?
But, you know, I'm left wondering if communication really isn't the key to everything.
Maybe I should have just kept my fucking mouth shut all these times. Maybe I should just man up and stop being the cause of all these problems. Because it IS my fault, isn't it? I'm the emotional freak with the racing heart who gets affected by every little innocent thing she says to me.
I could ask her to be more careful about what she says, but in the end its ME with the problem and ME causing the trouble because I'm too much of a fucking PUSSY to deal with it by myself, suck it up, find myself a proper girlfriend and move the fuck on.
I don't fucking know. I always try to do what's right and honest. Right now all I can think is "I should have kept my mouth shut. Now I've made her feel like shit again, AND start to doubt me again as a friend. I didn't want to make her feel like shit!!!!".
I guess the moral of this story is...there is no right or wrong...you just do what you can...and when it doesn't work out, you do what you can some more...
  
|
wtf.. what is this, i don't even...
so basically, you're in love with a girl.. she say she doesn't feel the same way about you, you move together (wtf!!) keep telling her you want her, she keeps denying you as a man.
quite frankly man.. take a step back, take a long breath, look at your situation and realize how ridiculous it is. Your universe is centered around this girl and your reality is what is inside your mind, what could have been but isn't. Really, wake up, grow up and get out of your shitty condition. you don't need the gall, and she made quite clear she doesn't need you.
Also again, get out of your childish and unreal mentality, all this bullshit about "the easy way" and "not fighting enought" is just another of your twisted mind. It hasn't happenend in 2 years.. it wil NEVER happen. You've probably been told this a million of times but there are chicks 100x better than her out there.
get a hobby, get interested in something, create your own life and stop sucking on hers
|
u might feel like im trivializing ur problem, but.... no, u have not man´d up by sticking on to this friendship instead of running away from it. no, u have avoided accepting that she is not sexually attracted to u - u have not accepted that u have no chance with her. u have not accepted that the weird friendship to the girl u love only causes u pain in the long run. its simply not worth it, but u cant let her go because deep down inside, u still hope for her to one day realize u are the perfect guy for her. this also shows in u confronting her with ur feelings for her frequently. u cant accept that u cant handle being friends and nothing more with this girl.
and ur friendship cant be as good as u perceive it, which shows by how insensitive she is to ur feelings, to ur needs. u are there for her when she needs comfort, but she does not even see when u need help or comfort.
u invest heavily in this relationship, but are getting very few back from her and besides many good feelings, u also get lots of grief, anger and pain from ur own soul in return for ur involvement and investment into this friendship.
be a man, mature up and finally begin to care about urself and ur feelings - begin to accept ur own needs of the present and dont live in the "could be would be"-world. its doing u no good and its leading nowhere, so stop it for your own sanity´s sake!
|
Nice read. I can relate to you in a way that I have had a similar problem in the past where I liked a friend that I knew for a year.
I confessed to my friend and she shut me down in the nicest way possible. Then I became fucking depressed for months and barely talked to her. Eventually I came to accept that there is nothing I can do if she doesn't like me back. So I repressed (hmm..) those feelings and am now happy just to have her as a friend. Note, I still get those feelings for her sometimes but since I've come to realize that it isn't possible, I just disregard those thoughts every time.
In my honest opinion, I think you should just let her go. It's really bad that you keep bringing up the fact that you still love her. You obviously know better yourself but it's only making her more uncomfortable and you miserable. If you can't stop telling her that you still love her, just break off all ties with her. It sounds so unhealthy what's going on between the both of you. And I understand because I had the same problems where I thought my friend was leading me on. I clarified it with her several times and then finally accepted the truth and from then on never even thought about the possibility of us together.
Not to sound mean but you're really not being a man by doing this. Just face the reality and move on.
|
Yeah, this is a bad game to play. Once a girl makes up her mind about wanting someone or not that's pretty much the end of the story. Guys on the other hand of course, not receiving denial with extreme prejudice think the girl is leading them on because pretty much the guy does the same build order every time and either he wins or he looses, and it's always a loss to the thing you can't scout so you are completely caught off guard.
Dude, I've had some pretty retarded relationships also where I wasn't getting it right, totally been there. Totally, wow I can't believe I was doing that to myself, after the fact. The only way out is to move on without her. Otherwise well into the future you will still be thinking about her, and that just handicaps you in life.
She can't satisfy your needs, you can't satisfy her's, that's the end.
Sagaz a little mean about it but Black Gun is spot on. I've seen girls do this too, move in with a guy they aren't with. I've seen the results. Just say gg, ragequit if you have to, but get out of the situation.
edit: sorry for the starcraft lingo, it's just hard to resist
|
God help you when you have mutual feelings with someone and then they decide to leave your ass. You've made her an obsession. You are not more of a man because you keep yourself in this endless cycle of nonsense. Stop talking to her forever, seriously. Harden the fuck up and find someone that deserves your devotion.
|
Korea (South)11593 Posts
seriously break contact with her. Delete her number from your phone, delete her MSN, delete her off of your facebook, etc... and move on with your life. She obviously isn't interested in having a romantic relationship with you. And if you can't just be friends then move on.
When you find another girl who IS interested in you, you will look back and realize how huge you made such a petty relationship.
I don't mean to sound rude or mean, but the less things you have to remind you of her, the easier it becomes. It's her fault she feels alone, she had her chance, and it has come and gone.
|
what a huge waste of time
|
I have had things like this happen to me where the girl I like ends up disliking me or thinking that I'm creepy/weird. 
People in this blog so far have given pretty good advice. If you can't just be friends, just don't talk to her then. If you're failing in your life and she is failing with hers just work on your self and better yourself.
|
You have romantic feelings for her, and she doesn't have any for you. Get over it and be friends or break contact with her if you can't. She's probably never going to change her mind. She seems to have put up with you trying to change that a lot so far. But seriously, just stop.
|
Hasn't this happened to every guy at some point in time?
You are seriously pretty fucked up.
You have no self-respect by placing what you perceive her needs and wants before your own.
|
The reason people break contact fully is so they can move onto someone worthwhile of their time. theres no point spending countless hours chasing someone who you will never have success with (as proven by the amount of rejections), you will find someone eventually who has mutual feelings and then you will be annoyed at yourself that you missed out on it by chasing this girl for so long.
|
I think its crucial for this relationship to work that you and the other girl realize that you are responsible for your own feelings. She cannot make you mad, and you cannot make her mad. From now on I will only talk in the context of you, but the same also applies to her. When a thought enters your mind you have the ability to accept or reject it. If its a thought that will get you closer to your goal (To have a good relationship with her? Make a specific goal) you should probably accept it. If she says something that you don't like you can just voice the idea as an opinion of hers and reject it.
Also, the relationship seems to deteriorate over a 3-5 month period (I may be wrong?). Then you get back together again (Not as a couple, but as good friends). It seems as if possibly you are not putting her into state, and she likely isn't putting you in state. For example, if you are kinesthetic you would prefer physical contact, if you are a visual person you would likely want to go places, and if you are an auditory person you would likely want to hear certain things. Of course you are a combination of these three factors, however one of them likely dominates the other. From your story, I would guess you are an auditory person, however I cannot figure that out without actually meeting you. When you take these three states and consciously create events that pleases the dominant states of both of you, your relationships will last longer and there is a much greater possibility she will fall in love with you.
Now, the most important thing is to fix your analysis of the physical world (This applies to the girl too). This may be difficult to do, and probably impossible if the girl doesn't want to change. Rather than basing your emotions and decisions on your physical reality, it would be much more efficient to base your emotions and decisions on your own thoughts. If you study the lives of the most successful people in the world, and the people with the most successful relationships in the world you will see these applications in practice. When you create your own thoughts and use those to determine your emotions, they get programmed into your subconscious mind and then are called habits (The more technical term would be paradigms). Most people live there lives on habits, and think maybe 2-3 times a year (Typically when they meet a catastrophy. When you live your life on habits that are not even programmed by you (They are programmed by your outside world from even before birth) your really are not living, you are more or less just existing. Your life will not be fulfilled and you will have little control over your emotions. Emotions, and you being in charge of your emotions, are absolutely key for your success in this relationship.
Now, remember, success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. Therefore, every step that moves you towards improving your relationship is called success. Success is not an ultimate platform, or an endpoint (This is a common misconception).
Anyways, I would advise you to not end this relationship and to apply some of these principles and turn it around. However, you should stop and ask yourself if these ideas really make sense and if the ideas will help you. IF you conclude they will, do not for even a second think about if it is possible to fix this relationship. Just start on it and the path will come. Nobody in human history has EVER predetermined the path to where there relationship, or any other goal in that matter, would turn out as a series of events. You can only see the first few steps, and its crucial that you act on them. Then the rest of the way will show itself.
|
dude you got friendzoned and then wasted years of your life instead of doing the sensible thing, either back off completely or accept that she doesnt want to fuck you and be her friend.
also bothering a friend about having someone over for sexy time, not cool.
|
You need to get your mind off of her
Go play WoW or something
|
United States22883 Posts
On September 11 2010 12:54 writer22816 wrote:
You need to get your mind off of her
Go play WoW or something Yeah, this kind of thing never happens in WoW.
OP, I think you need some professional help. You should break off contact with her as she's causing your emotional problems, but you should seek real assistance.
|
1. A likes B.
2. A is friendly to B.
3. B accepts friendliness from A.
4. B does not reciprocate friendliness to A.
5. A does not like B.
If for some reason step 5 is replaced by step 1, then the cycle 2-4 repeats until A dies, B dies, or A stops liking B.
TL;DR: You're doing this to yourself. Stop liking her. It's your time and effort with clearly no reward at stake.
Edit: Save a life. Yours.
|
It really does sound like your friend has a significant emotional dependency on you. A lot of girls do need a very close guy friend that they can share their feelings with without being intimately involved. On the other hand, it's very rare for a guy to have a very close emotional bond with a girl without wanting to be in a relationship with her. She has a dependency on you that she cannot get from any of her female friends. It's easy to say let go of your feelings and break things off with her, but even though your feelings will be liberated, imagine the situation that you put her in. Whenever you try to talk to her about how you feel about her, she shuts you down not because she doesn't care about you, it's because no matter what she says, she won't be able to help you; you are the only one that can change your own feelings.
I myself am stuck in a very similar situation. I also love this one girl and although I've never really had a serious discussion with her about it, I can sense that at the moment, she needs me to be there as a friend and nothing more. The most painful feeling in the world is when I realize that she might find a boyfriend one day and she won't need me anymore. When that day comes, I will be sad and lonely. People would probably tell me that I'm being stupid and I should just move on, but letting go of your feelings is not easy to do, and it's also very selfish. To truly love someone means that you have to put their feelings before your own no matter what. Even though being with her sometimes makes me feel sad and depressed, it doesn't change the fact that she needs me. Sometimes I need a friend as well, and she's always been there for me, so I need her too.
My advise to you is that you should just be the best friend that you can be. Treat her as just a friend and be there for her when she needs you. One day she'll find someone that she's happy with, and when that day comes, it's alright to feel sad, it's alright to feel lonely, and it's alright to feel downright depressed. What's important is that you went out of your way to make someone else's life better; someone that you really care about. One day when you find someone of your own, you'll be glad that you had these experiences, because they will make you cherish your relationship so much more.
|
Can't really help you, but if you need to commiserate I highly recommend you read The Sun Also Rises because you're pretty much the impotent narrator and that friend of yours is Brett. Hope things work out
|
i don't think i should say this but i believe you should not have told her about your feelings after the first time.when you first told her how you felt she didn't reciprocate those feelings and told you that she wanted you to to stay as her friend and i think that's what you should have done.you can't force a woman to fall in love with you.that's just how things are.all that time you spend on her after telling her about your feelings and not getting a positive result, you could've had many girlfriends and you could have fallen in love with someone else.if you continue to harbor feelings for her,then your life won't go very smoothly.i say you try to get over her little by little and try to find a girlfriend who likes you for who you really are and not continue to go after someone who won't.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
