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This is a tale of the problems of becoming best friends with someone you're in love with.
This tale skips around the countless hours we were totally awesome together - don't forget that, will you?
I've been friends with this girl for a few years. We met at work and I quickly became very attracted to her, so much so that just hearing her voice would give me an erection (in public!).
After a few weeks I text her (pretty dumb I know) saying that I'm attracted to her and what does she think? She replied saying she just thinks of me as a friend.
We became close friends, meeting up irregularly, texting, chatting online.
Every so often I would get extremely emotional about her and it would generally result or revolve around a fight.
There were two main basis for these fights. The first was that I was extremely attracted to her and would think that she is gradually reciprocating. The second (and primary) would be that my attraction for her made me EXTREMELY sensitive to the things she would say. Her being a very strong-headed (or should I say critical?) person, this would result in me getting upset and feel like shit.
I would confront her about my emotions, and she would be shocked and confused, saying that "I thought you got over this. How can we be friends if I have to always be careful about leading you on all the time?"
Note at this stage we are good friends, talking often. A lot of our conversations would be about how her life sucks, how she's lonely and hates her new job, etc. When you're in love with someone - and trying to keep these feelings at bay to maintain a friendship - its very very difficult when your friend keeps acting this way. If someone you love keeps telling you they're miserable and looking to you for comfort, you will a) feel miserable as fuck yourself and b) increasingly think you have a chance with them.
I moved in to live with her in a 3-bed apartment. We got on amazingly well, we both thought it was fantastic and grew to be awesome friends, hanging out all the time together.
We had another fight around the middle of this period. She was onto her ...3rd? boyfriend since I'd known her (not that its any of my business), and she told me he was coming back to the house to hang out. I pretty much freaked out uncontrollably, getting really moody for about an hour until she confronted me directly. I told her I can't cope emotionally with this (seeing her and her boyfriend together) and will stay in my room out of the way. She got really mad at this, again saying "I thought you got over this" and that she expected me to hang out with them and be a "proper friend".
I was pissed off she could't relate to me or respect how I was feeling, however childish my emotional state was. I was pissed off that yet again the fact that I was madly in love with her was something she'd completely forgotten about (even though we were spending every day together, she still didn't even realise I had sexual feelings for her!!).
I left the house eventually, on excellent terms (that last fight had only lasted an hour), and we continued our relationship chatting every day on MSN. She was still telling me how much her life sucks, both of us laughing a lot, and she was as always being a good friend and person to talk to.
Intermission.
Now, during our first fight I realised this was going to be a tough, tough relationship. My emotional feelings for this girl were off the charts. The obvious choice was to break contact for good. EVERYONE DOES THIS. Everyone takes the fucking easy way out. Every failed relationship, every unrequited love. Everyone would rather save themselves then continue and pursue what could be an awesome friendship if only they had the GUTS and STRENGTH to push forward and keep trying.
I've seen the internet comics of a guy wasting his whole life following round a girl he's obsessed with, her never even noticing him sexually and always dating other men around him.
Like I give a shit about this? This is my friend, an awesome intelligent interesting funny and fun person. And she cares about me too. I would be fucking rediculously weak to run away from this relationship just because I can't control my stupid fucking emotions and dick.
Cue our next fight. I was having a breakdown (far away from her still) and we hadn't talked online for a month. As usual, she started going on and on about her own emotional state (indirectly describing a breakup with another boyfriend). I just wanted her to comfort ME for once. I hadn't showered for a week, was living off alcohol, was failing everything, and I just expected her to realise and do or say....something!!
As usual, a lack of communication within a relationship leads to a breakdown in the relationship. I told her "just fuck off" and broke contact completely for 3 months.
I was ANGRY. Why didn't she realise I needed her? Why do I only enter her life when she has problems (Note: the answer to this is because she always has problems - as do I)? I was totally going through a breakdown and don't blame myself for acting like a knob in this period.
But it really got me asking myself...what SHOULD I expect from someone? What right do I have? Of course, it all comes down to failed communication me storming off in a huff.
So we're talking again now. She's moved house out of her shitty shitty life and beginning a new one. Again, I'm pretty much her only friend in the country. And I'm happy to be her friend again, and continuing.
After all these shitty fucking emotional fights, me feeling like shit because she completely forgets that I'm in love with her, and when I remind her she freaks out and tells me SHE feels uncomfortable with it, as if I don't have to put up with it evvvverrrry sinnngggleee daaaayyyy of my life.
I'm slowly maturing, trying my hardest to be a proper and unselfish friend. I don't know the best way to go about this. I doubt many people have even fucking tried to do this and got this far.
So we arrive at tonight. How long has it been since we were friends? 2 years? It seems a lot longer, probably coz all the time I've spent worry about her! 
It would be unfair to post logs because you would have to know a person intimately to understand exactly how and why they write a thing. Not to mention I would never breach a person's confidentiality.
She was typing about how lonely she is (again), how she's been lonely for 5 years and how she can manage another 5. I joked that I would sing her to sleep, and she said she'd like it if I read to her sometime when her connection is more stable. I said, "We'll see if you still want to do that when you're not feeling so lonely", because it felt to me like she was leading me on a bit with something so soppy and uncharacteristic like that. I don't want her to say things like that which lead me on into thinking she's becoming romantic with me.
My heart was beating like crazy, you could hear it in the other room. I wanted nothing more than to snuggle up beside her in bed and hold her tight.
So I told her what was on my mind: "You know I'm in love with you so it's not fair to say things like that to me".
Again, she was shocked. To HER she was just being friendly. To ME, I was feeling like she was ACCIDENTLY LEADING ME ON.
She said, like she had in the past, that I had suddenly made her very uncomfortable. She said, again, "I thought you had gotten over all this." She said "I would rather us just break contact than go through another fight again".
I said, "All I'm asking is you don't go overboard in laying your shit on me because it's really fucking painful to me, as someone who is in love with you but can't be with you."
HOW FUCKING SELFISH IS THAT? God I feel rediculous.
But is it selfish? People compromise in all relationships, don't they? Do I have a right to tell her how I'm feeling if its the truth? Isn't it the best course of action to actually say this to her as a friend so we can deal with it and move on?
But, you know, I'm left wondering if communication really isn't the key to everything.
Maybe I should have just kept my fucking mouth shut all these times. Maybe I should just man up and stop being the cause of all these problems. Because it IS my fault, isn't it? I'm the emotional freak with the racing heart who gets affected by every little innocent thing she says to me.
I could ask her to be more careful about what she says, but in the end its ME with the problem and ME causing the trouble because I'm too much of a fucking PUSSY to deal with it by myself, suck it up, find myself a proper girlfriend and move the fuck on.
I don't fucking know. I always try to do what's right and honest. Right now all I can think is "I should have kept my mouth shut. Now I've made her feel like shit again, AND start to doubt me again as a friend. I didn't want to make her feel like shit!!!!".
I guess the moral of this story is...there is no right or wrong...you just do what you can...and when it doesn't work out, you do what you can some more...
  
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wtf.. what is this, i don't even...
so basically, you're in love with a girl.. she say she doesn't feel the same way about you, you move together (wtf!!) keep telling her you want her, she keeps denying you as a man.
quite frankly man.. take a step back, take a long breath, look at your situation and realize how ridiculous it is. Your universe is centered around this girl and your reality is what is inside your mind, what could have been but isn't. Really, wake up, grow up and get out of your shitty condition. you don't need the gall, and she made quite clear she doesn't need you.
Also again, get out of your childish and unreal mentality, all this bullshit about "the easy way" and "not fighting enought" is just another of your twisted mind. It hasn't happenend in 2 years.. it wil NEVER happen. You've probably been told this a million of times but there are chicks 100x better than her out there.
get a hobby, get interested in something, create your own life and stop sucking on hers
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u might feel like im trivializing ur problem, but.... no, u have not man´d up by sticking on to this friendship instead of running away from it. no, u have avoided accepting that she is not sexually attracted to u - u have not accepted that u have no chance with her. u have not accepted that the weird friendship to the girl u love only causes u pain in the long run. its simply not worth it, but u cant let her go because deep down inside, u still hope for her to one day realize u are the perfect guy for her. this also shows in u confronting her with ur feelings for her frequently. u cant accept that u cant handle being friends and nothing more with this girl.
and ur friendship cant be as good as u perceive it, which shows by how insensitive she is to ur feelings, to ur needs. u are there for her when she needs comfort, but she does not even see when u need help or comfort.
u invest heavily in this relationship, but are getting very few back from her and besides many good feelings, u also get lots of grief, anger and pain from ur own soul in return for ur involvement and investment into this friendship.
be a man, mature up and finally begin to care about urself and ur feelings - begin to accept ur own needs of the present and dont live in the "could be would be"-world. its doing u no good and its leading nowhere, so stop it for your own sanity´s sake!
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Nice read. I can relate to you in a way that I have had a similar problem in the past where I liked a friend that I knew for a year.
I confessed to my friend and she shut me down in the nicest way possible. Then I became fucking depressed for months and barely talked to her. Eventually I came to accept that there is nothing I can do if she doesn't like me back. So I repressed (hmm..) those feelings and am now happy just to have her as a friend. Note, I still get those feelings for her sometimes but since I've come to realize that it isn't possible, I just disregard those thoughts every time.
In my honest opinion, I think you should just let her go. It's really bad that you keep bringing up the fact that you still love her. You obviously know better yourself but it's only making her more uncomfortable and you miserable. If you can't stop telling her that you still love her, just break off all ties with her. It sounds so unhealthy what's going on between the both of you. And I understand because I had the same problems where I thought my friend was leading me on. I clarified it with her several times and then finally accepted the truth and from then on never even thought about the possibility of us together.
Not to sound mean but you're really not being a man by doing this. Just face the reality and move on.
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Yeah, this is a bad game to play. Once a girl makes up her mind about wanting someone or not that's pretty much the end of the story. Guys on the other hand of course, not receiving denial with extreme prejudice think the girl is leading them on because pretty much the guy does the same build order every time and either he wins or he looses, and it's always a loss to the thing you can't scout so you are completely caught off guard.
Dude, I've had some pretty retarded relationships also where I wasn't getting it right, totally been there. Totally, wow I can't believe I was doing that to myself, after the fact. The only way out is to move on without her. Otherwise well into the future you will still be thinking about her, and that just handicaps you in life.
She can't satisfy your needs, you can't satisfy her's, that's the end.
Sagaz a little mean about it but Black Gun is spot on. I've seen girls do this too, move in with a guy they aren't with. I've seen the results. Just say gg, ragequit if you have to, but get out of the situation.
edit: sorry for the starcraft lingo, it's just hard to resist
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God help you when you have mutual feelings with someone and then they decide to leave your ass. You've made her an obsession. You are not more of a man because you keep yourself in this endless cycle of nonsense. Stop talking to her forever, seriously. Harden the fuck up and find someone that deserves your devotion.
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Korea (South)11575 Posts
seriously break contact with her. Delete her number from your phone, delete her MSN, delete her off of your facebook, etc... and move on with your life. She obviously isn't interested in having a romantic relationship with you. And if you can't just be friends then move on.
When you find another girl who IS interested in you, you will look back and realize how huge you made such a petty relationship.
I don't mean to sound rude or mean, but the less things you have to remind you of her, the easier it becomes. It's her fault she feels alone, she had her chance, and it has come and gone.
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what a huge waste of time
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I have had things like this happen to me where the girl I like ends up disliking me or thinking that I'm creepy/weird. 
People in this blog so far have given pretty good advice. If you can't just be friends, just don't talk to her then. If you're failing in your life and she is failing with hers just work on your self and better yourself.
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You have romantic feelings for her, and she doesn't have any for you. Get over it and be friends or break contact with her if you can't. She's probably never going to change her mind. She seems to have put up with you trying to change that a lot so far. But seriously, just stop.
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Hasn't this happened to every guy at some point in time?
You are seriously pretty fucked up.
You have no self-respect by placing what you perceive her needs and wants before your own.
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The reason people break contact fully is so they can move onto someone worthwhile of their time. theres no point spending countless hours chasing someone who you will never have success with (as proven by the amount of rejections), you will find someone eventually who has mutual feelings and then you will be annoyed at yourself that you missed out on it by chasing this girl for so long.
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I think its crucial for this relationship to work that you and the other girl realize that you are responsible for your own feelings. She cannot make you mad, and you cannot make her mad. From now on I will only talk in the context of you, but the same also applies to her. When a thought enters your mind you have the ability to accept or reject it. If its a thought that will get you closer to your goal (To have a good relationship with her? Make a specific goal) you should probably accept it. If she says something that you don't like you can just voice the idea as an opinion of hers and reject it.
Also, the relationship seems to deteriorate over a 3-5 month period (I may be wrong?). Then you get back together again (Not as a couple, but as good friends). It seems as if possibly you are not putting her into state, and she likely isn't putting you in state. For example, if you are kinesthetic you would prefer physical contact, if you are a visual person you would likely want to go places, and if you are an auditory person you would likely want to hear certain things. Of course you are a combination of these three factors, however one of them likely dominates the other. From your story, I would guess you are an auditory person, however I cannot figure that out without actually meeting you. When you take these three states and consciously create events that pleases the dominant states of both of you, your relationships will last longer and there is a much greater possibility she will fall in love with you.
Now, the most important thing is to fix your analysis of the physical world (This applies to the girl too). This may be difficult to do, and probably impossible if the girl doesn't want to change. Rather than basing your emotions and decisions on your physical reality, it would be much more efficient to base your emotions and decisions on your own thoughts. If you study the lives of the most successful people in the world, and the people with the most successful relationships in the world you will see these applications in practice. When you create your own thoughts and use those to determine your emotions, they get programmed into your subconscious mind and then are called habits (The more technical term would be paradigms). Most people live there lives on habits, and think maybe 2-3 times a year (Typically when they meet a catastrophy. When you live your life on habits that are not even programmed by you (They are programmed by your outside world from even before birth) your really are not living, you are more or less just existing. Your life will not be fulfilled and you will have little control over your emotions. Emotions, and you being in charge of your emotions, are absolutely key for your success in this relationship.
Now, remember, success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. Therefore, every step that moves you towards improving your relationship is called success. Success is not an ultimate platform, or an endpoint (This is a common misconception).
Anyways, I would advise you to not end this relationship and to apply some of these principles and turn it around. However, you should stop and ask yourself if these ideas really make sense and if the ideas will help you. IF you conclude they will, do not for even a second think about if it is possible to fix this relationship. Just start on it and the path will come. Nobody in human history has EVER predetermined the path to where there relationship, or any other goal in that matter, would turn out as a series of events. You can only see the first few steps, and its crucial that you act on them. Then the rest of the way will show itself.
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dude you got friendzoned and then wasted years of your life instead of doing the sensible thing, either back off completely or accept that she doesnt want to fuck you and be her friend.
also bothering a friend about having someone over for sexy time, not cool.
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You need to get your mind off of her
Go play WoW or something
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United States22883 Posts
On September 11 2010 12:54 writer22816 wrote:
You need to get your mind off of her
Go play WoW or something Yeah, this kind of thing never happens in WoW.
OP, I think you need some professional help. You should break off contact with her as she's causing your emotional problems, but you should seek real assistance.
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1. A likes B.
2. A is friendly to B.
3. B accepts friendliness from A.
4. B does not reciprocate friendliness to A.
5. A does not like B.
If for some reason step 5 is replaced by step 1, then the cycle 2-4 repeats until A dies, B dies, or A stops liking B.
TL;DR: You're doing this to yourself. Stop liking her. It's your time and effort with clearly no reward at stake.
Edit: Save a life. Yours.
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It really does sound like your friend has a significant emotional dependency on you. A lot of girls do need a very close guy friend that they can share their feelings with without being intimately involved. On the other hand, it's very rare for a guy to have a very close emotional bond with a girl without wanting to be in a relationship with her. She has a dependency on you that she cannot get from any of her female friends. It's easy to say let go of your feelings and break things off with her, but even though your feelings will be liberated, imagine the situation that you put her in. Whenever you try to talk to her about how you feel about her, she shuts you down not because she doesn't care about you, it's because no matter what she says, she won't be able to help you; you are the only one that can change your own feelings.
I myself am stuck in a very similar situation. I also love this one girl and although I've never really had a serious discussion with her about it, I can sense that at the moment, she needs me to be there as a friend and nothing more. The most painful feeling in the world is when I realize that she might find a boyfriend one day and she won't need me anymore. When that day comes, I will be sad and lonely. People would probably tell me that I'm being stupid and I should just move on, but letting go of your feelings is not easy to do, and it's also very selfish. To truly love someone means that you have to put their feelings before your own no matter what. Even though being with her sometimes makes me feel sad and depressed, it doesn't change the fact that she needs me. Sometimes I need a friend as well, and she's always been there for me, so I need her too.
My advise to you is that you should just be the best friend that you can be. Treat her as just a friend and be there for her when she needs you. One day she'll find someone that she's happy with, and when that day comes, it's alright to feel sad, it's alright to feel lonely, and it's alright to feel downright depressed. What's important is that you went out of your way to make someone else's life better; someone that you really care about. One day when you find someone of your own, you'll be glad that you had these experiences, because they will make you cherish your relationship so much more.
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Can't really help you, but if you need to commiserate I highly recommend you read The Sun Also Rises because you're pretty much the impotent narrator and that friend of yours is Brett. Hope things work out
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i don't think i should say this but i believe you should not have told her about your feelings after the first time.when you first told her how you felt she didn't reciprocate those feelings and told you that she wanted you to to stay as her friend and i think that's what you should have done.you can't force a woman to fall in love with you.that's just how things are.all that time you spend on her after telling her about your feelings and not getting a positive result, you could've had many girlfriends and you could have fallen in love with someone else.if you continue to harbor feelings for her,then your life won't go very smoothly.i say you try to get over her little by little and try to find a girlfriend who likes you for who you really are and not continue to go after someone who won't.
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On September 11 2010 12:58 Jibba wrote:Show nested quote +On September 11 2010 12:54 writer22816 wrote:
You need to get your mind off of her
Go play WoW or something Yeah, this kind of thing never happens in WoW. OP, I think you need some professional help. You should break off contact with her as she's causing your emotional problems, but you should seek real assistance.
This is the right answer. You need to stop rationalizing self-destructive behavior. Every bit of enjoyment you get from her is returned two-fold in the form of pain.
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On September 11 2010 11:46 NickC wrote:Now, during our first fight I realised this was going to be a tough, tough relationship. My emotional feelings for this girl were off the charts. The obvious choice was to break contact for good. EVERYONE DOES THIS. Everyone takes the fucking easy way out. Every failed relationship, every unrequited love. Everyone would rather save themselves then continue and pursue what could be an awesome friendship if only they had the GUTS and STRENGTH to push forward and keep trying.
Almost every guy has been or will be in this position, but you really, really need to give up on that way of thinking.
Is it easier to simply keep pursuing a girl, or to realize that it's going nowhere and cut everything off by removing her from your phone, Facebook, etc.? From personal experience, I've been there. Cutting her off was the hardest part from anything because I still had that tiny hope inside of me that things could turn around.. once I cut everything off, everything started to get better. I gave up that hope and realized that rather than sticking to the past, I could begin looking for a new opportunity.
As much as you would like to, you can't force a girl to like you. It's just not possible. Either they feel it or they don't, no matter what you tell her, you're never going to force her to like you. That's why the way you act and your first impression is actually very important.. i.e. don't be a wuss.
But like others said, the best solution would be to cut her off. And I hope I don't sound condescending or too hard on you, like I said we've all been there, it happens. You learn from your mistakes.
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On September 11 2010 12:01 SagaZ wrote:
wtf.. what is this, i don't even...
so basically, you're in love with a girl.. she say she doesn't feel the same way about you, you move together (wtf!!) keep telling her you want her, she keeps denying you as a man.
quite frankly man.. take a step back, take a long breath, look at your situation and realize how ridiculous it is. Your universe is centered around this girl and your reality is what is inside your mind, what could have been but isn't. Really, wake up, grow up and get out of your shitty condition. you don't need the gall, and she made quite clear she doesn't need you.
Also again, get out of your childish and unreal mentality, all this bullshit about "the easy way" and "not fighting enought" is just another of your twisted mind. It hasn't happenend in 2 years.. it wil NEVER happen. You've probably been told this a million of times but there are chicks 100x better than her out there.
get a hobby, get interested in something, create your own life and stop sucking on hers
This. Everything else in this thread that is not this is garbage.
There are a million fish in the sea and just because one looks nice doesn't mean she's the one. As a matter of fact she doesn't deserve you if there is such a thing. You don't want someone who doesn't want you so move on.
EDIT: Grow your balls back dude.
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I can't beleive your letting a girl do this to you....
First off you never text a girl anything dealing with emotions- anyone sees that as weak.
2nd off, your too good for this bitch, shes using you as a tool to make herself feel better about her selfish and immature lifestyle.
Your having "Nice talks". What does that even mean? When I listen to a girl for 30 minutes straight (i image you guys had those typical pussywhipped 4 hour long convos, followed by AIM talking)it is either because im forced to, or because we have a relationship that involves reciprocation.
edit: reread your post- keys like "not that her bf's are any of my business", yes- they are your business. How can you be friends with someone without discussing their life choices- you can't unless your in high school. You need to look in a mirror, say "i'm a man and i have to do things that are for me and nobody else". Shes wasting your time, and most likely your money.
Has she ever hooked you up with a friend? I don't need to know the answer because its either a 'no' or an ugly girl she wants to get off her back.
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yah man if you're gonna totally emasculate yourself for this chick u better make it worth your while, you're totally playing for late game it seems so i hope you marry her
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to tryummm (havent read other replies)
Thankyou for having a more open-eyed response to me. We've worked hard at this relationship and, now that I've written all that crap and had time to reflect, I really have come a long way.
I'm no longer super sensitive to all her little criticisms. I no longer get a erection every time I hear her laugh. This time, when I detected an emotional overload in myself, I immediately confronted her with it. I didn't let it build up and I dealt with it rationally. In the past I would have probably just gotten more and more emotional, ended by saying something like "good nite, love u x" then masturbated myself to sleep.
I know I still have a lot of things to sort out, but as you said "success is a forward journey".
The emotions are so fucking strong I often want some damn medication to take to make them go away. I need to work on getting less-easily invested in her, by redirecting my attention when I start to get sucked in. By forcing her out of my mind when I start to dwell on her - something that I started doing a while ago but never ever would have been able to achieve when I first met her, just because it was something I've never practiced before.
After this latest blunder, perhaps at least I know now one other thing that I shouldn't do - that doesn't really work. You really seem to think it is a personal problem...I always thought it was something two people could share and deal with together...but it seems like it is really down to me and my force of will alone.
Earlier tonight I wanted to tell her, when she comes online tomorrow, that I was "just warning her to steer clear of leading me on". But now I'm beginning to think that really does put the burden on her rather than myself, and it doesn't fix the problem; just avoids it.
Its so easy to say these things though. I really don't know how I'll act the next time she sends me xxxs or giggles at my joke or says she misses me. I'll get some massive influx of emotion and desire, then I guess I'll try to push it straight out of my thoughts.
A lot of people - innumerable people - can say "Be a Man and Move On!" but honestly I don't think they really know what they're talking about when it comes to personal, spiritual, mental development. You only get one life, and in such a crucial decision such as this I really want to find the right path - not just the "obvious" one.
You think its so fucking manly to delete someone from your phone and facebook? Please, give me a break.
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United States22883 Posts
On September 11 2010 13:15 Chairman Ray wrote:
It really does sound like your friend has a significant emotional dependency on you.
WHAT? LOL
I mean, it's obvious she's using him but get the dependency direction straight. He's crawling to her, not the other way around.
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On September 11 2010 13:32 NickC wrote:You think its so fucking manly to delete someone from your phone and facebook? Please, give me a break.
What's more manly, acting like a wuss and hanging on to a girl, or realizing that the situation is practically hopeless (or maybe 100% hopeless) and knowing it's time to let go and cut her off? The goal isn't to hurt her (although that could be an unintentional side effect), the goal is to save yourself and be a better person.
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oh god, you got you're natural expo denied, over and fucking over and fucking over again, and she's on 5 base and you still haven't fucking left the game?
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On September 11 2010 13:32 NickC wrote:
A lot of people - innumerable people - can say "Be a Man and Move On!" but honestly I don't think they really know what they're talking about when it comes to personal, spiritual, mental development. You only get one life, and in such a crucial decision such as this I really want to find the right path - not just the "obvious" one.
Just want to concentrate on this portion. The path is the "obvious" one is because it's what works for most people. However, anyone has a personal experience that chasing after a girl after being friend-zoned worked? Not just a rhetorical question, genuinely interested to see if it has ever worked.
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On September 11 2010 13:46 Jibba wrote:Show nested quote +On September 11 2010 13:15 Chairman Ray wrote:
It really does sound like your friend has a significant emotional dependency on you. WHAT? LOL I mean, it's obvious she's using him but get the dependency direction straight. He's crawling to her, not the other way around.
It's both ways actually. The girl really values him as a friend. After being friends for years, living together, and sticking through so many fights, I really wouldn't say that the girl is just 'using' him.
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On September 11 2010 13:55 cascades wrote:Show nested quote +On September 11 2010 13:32 NickC wrote:
A lot of people - innumerable people - can say "Be a Man and Move On!" but honestly I don't think they really know what they're talking about when it comes to personal, spiritual, mental development. You only get one life, and in such a crucial decision such as this I really want to find the right path - not just the "obvious" one.
Just want to concentrate on this portion. The path is the "obvious" one is because it's what works for most people. However, anyone has a personal experience that chasing after a girl after being friend-zoned worked? Not just a rhetorical question, genuinely interested to see if it has ever worked.
It's most certainly possible, but you need the right attitude. That's the biggest problem.
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Dude, just reading into half of it, it's obvious you became her emotional tampon that she used. A lot of guys get stuck in that. It's something you can't get out of, you just need to move on to another chick, but yeah even with this told to most guys, they never listen anyways. GL, and never be direct to a girl about your feelings, because it almost NEVER ends right. Hope this helps.
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On September 11 2010 13:59 Lightwip wrote:Show nested quote +On September 11 2010 13:55 cascades wrote:On September 11 2010 13:32 NickC wrote:
A lot of people - innumerable people - can say "Be a Man and Move On!" but honestly I don't think they really know what they're talking about when it comes to personal, spiritual, mental development. You only get one life, and in such a crucial decision such as this I really want to find the right path - not just the "obvious" one.
Just want to concentrate on this portion. The path is the "obvious" one is because it's what works for most people. However, anyone has a personal experience that chasing after a girl after being friend-zoned worked? Not just a rhetorical question, genuinely interested to see if it has ever worked. It's most certainly possible, but you need the right attitude. That's the biggest problem.
But isn't it fair to say that if you got friend-zoned in the first place, you most likely don't have the correct attitude to eventually get the girl?
Also count me out for someone who was able to get a girl after getting friend-zoned haha 
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I could tell you what you already know but I think this sums it all up:
![[image loading]](http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/friends.png)
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I read the jist of the story and this is what I've got to say: don't become a females emotional door mat. Don't become friends with a girl if you want to get into her pants. This is a great way to waste a large amount of money, time and effort just to most likely be shut down at the end. If you just want to sleep with her make it clear early on in the relationship. Obviously don't go up to girls screaming I want to have sex you because that you make you crazy in a bad way, but the girl should understand where you want the relationship to go. And if she doesn't reciprocate and accept sleeping with you, just leave her and find another girl. There are plenty of girls who are prettier, smarter, funnier,and easier to get along with than her.
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It's extremely difficult for people who haven't been in this situation to understand this; BUT--
They're right. You have to move on. It's hard. But you have to.
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On September 11 2010 13:55 cascades wrote:Show nested quote +On September 11 2010 13:32 NickC wrote:
A lot of people - innumerable people - can say "Be a Man and Move On!" but honestly I don't think they really know what they're talking about when it comes to personal, spiritual, mental development. You only get one life, and in such a crucial decision such as this I really want to find the right path - not just the "obvious" one.
Just want to concentrate on this portion. The path is the "obvious" one is because it's what works for most people. However, anyone has a personal experience that chasing after a girl after being friend-zoned worked? Not just a rhetorical question, genuinely interested to see if it has ever worked.
actually i do have a personal experience with a girl i got friendzoned by.
thing is that after a week or 2 i said fuck it and left. week later she came to me.
+ Show Spoiler +granted the whole thing didnt turn out well, and we broke up shortly after =P
edit because the stupid smiley doesnt convey the face i'm trying to get. damn , so misleading...
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On September 11 2010 14:01 GoShox wrote:Show nested quote +On September 11 2010 13:59 Lightwip wrote:On September 11 2010 13:55 cascades wrote:On September 11 2010 13:32 NickC wrote:
A lot of people - innumerable people - can say "Be a Man and Move On!" but honestly I don't think they really know what they're talking about when it comes to personal, spiritual, mental development. You only get one life, and in such a crucial decision such as this I really want to find the right path - not just the "obvious" one.
Just want to concentrate on this portion. The path is the "obvious" one is because it's what works for most people. However, anyone has a personal experience that chasing after a girl after being friend-zoned worked? Not just a rhetorical question, genuinely interested to see if it has ever worked. It's most certainly possible, but you need the right attitude. That's the biggest problem. But isn't it fair to say that if you got friend-zoned in the first place, you most likely don't have the correct attitude to eventually get the girl? Also count me out for someone who was able to get a girl after getting friend-zoned haha
Yeah, that's true. But people can change, so it might happen. Not that being so reliant on it would help anything.
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On September 11 2010 13:32 NickC wrote:
A lot of people - innumerable people - can say "Be a Man and Move On!" but honestly I don't think they really know what they're talking about when it comes to personal, spiritual, mental development. You only get one life, and in such a crucial decision such as this I really want to find the right path - not just the "obvious" one.
You think its so fucking manly to delete someone from your phone and facebook? Please, give me a break.
What fucking personal, spiritual and mental development? A crucial decision and the right path? Don't make me laugh. You basically want to get in her pants. I mean for fuck's sake you got erections every time you heard her voice. You made it very clear in your post several times that you want to go out with her. Almost everyone here has had similar experiences as yours, don't be a wimp.
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forqq hit the nail on the head.
Your in denial , hardcore.
Ever heard of love at first sight? When you meet eyes with a girl and you basically already had sex. And then when you talk your just flirting and you love it.
You shouldn't have to prove to a girl that your worth being with. She should be able to see it.
It is in a girls fucking genes to see confidence and physical prowess in a male. A girl wants security in exchange for sex (99%), and if not she is most likely using you.
it is getting to the point where you need to take a few shots and start touching her and whip your dong out. Its that bad man, unless of course she has a planetary fortress and detection (Har)
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
LOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
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On September 11 2010 14:15 Rekrul wrote:
LOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Reeeekkrrrruuulll if I did that I'd get baannnneeed. Not like I blame you
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On September 11 2010 13:32 NickC wrote:
to tryummm (havent read other replies)
Thankyou for having a more open-eyed response to me. We've worked hard at this relationship and, now that I've written all that crap and had time to reflect, I really have come a long way.
I'm no longer super sensitive to all her little criticisms. I no longer get a erection every time I hear her laugh. This time, when I detected an emotional overload in myself, I immediately confronted her with it. I didn't let it build up and I dealt with it rationally. In the past I would have probably just gotten more and more emotional, ended by saying something like "good nite, love u x" then masturbated myself to sleep.
I know I still have a lot of things to sort out, but as you said "success is a forward journey".
The emotions are so fucking strong I often want some damn medication to take to make them go away. I need to work on getting less-easily invested in her, by redirecting my attention when I start to get sucked in. By forcing her out of my mind when I start to dwell on her - something that I started doing a while ago but never ever would have been able to achieve when I first met her, just because it was something I've never practiced before.
After this latest blunder, perhaps at least I know now one other thing that I shouldn't do - that doesn't really work. You really seem to think it is a personal problem...I always thought it was something two people could share and deal with together...but it seems like it is really down to me and my force of will alone.
Earlier tonight I wanted to tell her, when she comes online tomorrow, that I was "just warning her to steer clear of leading me on". But now I'm beginning to think that really does put the burden on her rather than myself, and it doesn't fix the problem; just avoids it.
Its so easy to say these things though. I really don't know how I'll act the next time she sends me xxxs or giggles at my joke or says she misses me. I'll get some massive influx of emotion and desire, then I guess I'll try to push it straight out of my thoughts.
A lot of people - innumerable people - can say "Be a Man and Move On!" but honestly I don't think they really know what they're talking about when it comes to personal, spiritual, mental development. You only get one life, and in such a crucial decision such as this I really want to find the right path - not just the "obvious" one.
You think its so fucking manly to delete someone from your phone and facebook? Please, give me a break.
This is why your life sucks. You're in denial. You're hurting yourself emotionally to no end. Think of it this way. IF you had other girls(options) at your disposal, do you HONESTLY THINK, you'd give two shits about this girl? Absolutely not. And because such is not the case, you're heavily emotionally invested into this single girl. The only cure to this disease, my friend, is to go screw 10 other women, and then you'll see just how special that little flower is after. But knowing you, you'll obviously come up with some excuse, or maybe you just don't have the self confidence to try. Either, you need to recognize the situation your in and stop shitting on people's help. Get rid of all traces of her and find yourself multiple new obsessions(girls) to deal with at once. Life will seem better then.
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Find some other stuff to think about and get over this girl. She clearly isn't that great so stop putting her on a pedestal. She is just fitting into a puzzle piece that you're missing, there are plenty of other girls who could do it as well.
And besides girls there are other ways to fill the puzzle piece, too. Hell, you can reshape the puzzle if you want.
Does anyone even know what I am talking about anymore?
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I read the subject of this blog thinking it was probably a bunch of shit, came in to read it anyway, and instead found myself in an outer body experience... the situations and emotions you describe are as familiar to me as my face.
The main difference is you've only been going through this for two years, that doesn't seem like that long to me, because I went through it for about four years. I could recount my own story and mirror your blog, but why don't I just cut to the happy ending? That great day when I cut off contact with her, and finally regained my own sanity and self-respect.
She will never like you the same way she likes random guys she has dated, she is extremely selfish because she knows how you feel and how much pain contact with her causes you, but she seeks it anyway (on her terms of course) because you give her something she wants. She's not malicious, she's just extremely self-centered and unable to empathise with you.
You can beat your head against this wall forever, having no control over your own feelings, your emotional state decided each day by a word or action that means nothing to her and everything to you. Or you can stand up, walk away and make something of yourself.
I took this step 8 months ago, and I've been in a ROMANTIC relationship with another girl for the last few months that has given me more happiness in this short time than I had during those whole four years of misery. You've given her enough of yourself, waiting in agony for things to miraculously become what you want them to be. It's time for you to pull away and forge your own happiness. There's no justice but that which you make for yourself.
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okay going through rejections and things like this are a learning process that most guys have to go through first before they realize they should've just cut and run
unfortunately your learning process has been going on for years and you still haven't figured it out...
good luck man maybe you'll be one of the few to turn the situation around. 3rd year lucky and all that
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On September 11 2010 14:15 Rekrul wrote:
LOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
good thing I didn't have to say it
OP you sound hella creepy.. go out and discover who you are as a person, then look for love..
you just sound like a creepy hopeless romantic.
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On September 11 2010 14:38 Terrakin wrote:good thing I didn't have to say it OP you sound hella creepy.. go out and discover who you are as a person, then look for love.. you just sound like a creepy hopeless romantic.
I seriously don't think he realizes this, which is an even a bigger problem.
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Wow, this was totally me in high school. I spent two and a half years crushing over my best friend. She always complained about her life sucking and I described my pain as a "pleasant torture" in feeling good around her, completely helpless, and then having her weight on my shoulders.
I don't think you're looking at this the right way. Relationships make compromises, but they're not one way. She's called all the shots so far. "I thought you were over this", constantly venting to you and not reciprocating, and expecting you to be 'a good friend' to the random boyfriend. There is no compromise. She's in control. This is an unhealthy relationship and you're only hurting yourself by remaining in it.
With my high school crush things finally boiled over, we fought continuously, my friends had told me for 6 months that I was whipped, and I made the decision to stop being that crutch. I intentionally didn't talk to her for days and only minimum contact for months. You know what? It sucked! But during that time I realized my lack of self-respect. I certainly didn't deserve a friend that would dump all her emotional shit on me and constantly complain about how bad her life was. Where was this relationship getting me? Stress and constantly distraught emotions. I tried to be friends with her again before the end of the year (our senior year) and we talked over the summer online, but the relationship had degraded and we stopped talking when we entered college (roughly 5 years ago).
As if I didn't learn my lesson the first time, I repeated it in a not-so-different manner. My first girlfriend was, in my mind, absolutely incredible. A very caring person who was dedicated to what she loved the most. It didn't start this way, but basically degenerated into a one-sided relationship where she called the shots, dumped all her emotional baggage on me (which started giving me panic attacks), and was more stress than what it was worth. After it was over I finally found that long-sought self-respect. In January I met this awesome girl and I couldn't be happier with our relationship (thus proving that if your heart is in the right place, but your head is not, you may still have the fundamentals of a relationship down, just not practiced correctly).
I'm sure it's been repeated here already - separate yourself from her for at least 6 months. Your friendship is poisonous. I'm sure you're awesome together, but the awesomeness is negated when the price is you feeling like crap. This is not a good relationship. You need to get out of it immediately.
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while we're on the topic of this "friend that you dump everything on", is it bad for a guy to make a girl his dumping ground? >_>
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On September 11 2010 15:32 seRapH wrote:
while we're on the topic of this "friend that you dump everything on", is it bad for a guy to make a girl his dumping ground? >_>
Not if you're not interested in sleeping with her in the first place.
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be a man
let me elaborate on that, good friends becoming couples is obviously unlikely, sure it works for some, but u know it isn't going to work when she still treats you the same way after cutting off contact for months. if she had the slightest feeling for you then she would've treated you differently. that's all.
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You're wasting your time. She will never be sexually attracted to you. Once you've been friend-zoned there's no going back. Listen to everyone in this thread, for your own sake.
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Dude. She put you in the friend zone the moment she met you. Once you enter the friend zone, it's rare to get out. Move on, be strong, and get that p00n you crave from some other girl.
P.S. Even though I say it's rare to get out of the friend zone, I believe best friends who can share everything with each other, make the most successful couples. Communication and dedication is key. Seriously. If you ever have to think twice about something, talk to your significant other about it.
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i find your selflessness very admirable but it seams to be miss placed
you are not her friend you aren't willing to just accept her as is you want her to change you want her to suddenly drop her romantic life and go out with you.
you keep dumping your feelings for her on her when you should be talking to some one else.
and she is not your friend
a friend would of gotten you help by now.
would be willing to accept you have feelings for them and that its not something you can simply get over.
a friend would off accepted that it if something makes you feel awkward you should be able to avoid it.
this relation ship is not healthy and i think both of you know that you need to stop talking to each other.
maybe later on (allot latter on after years) you will come to become friends proper friends who can talk freely to each other you may even hock up and do all the good things you know you want to do.
but that will never happen if you keep the relation ship as is you are just a natural part of life and you can not change that there is no need for her to try and keep you as a friend. there for she is putting no effort or thought in on her part.
what you want to do if you want to get her or even if you want a good life is to remove your self from the relation ship get your self a life independent of hers become a hole person with out her.
and let her have a chance to become hole with out you.
so if you do come back together its two people not just two halfs.
and then too her you are no longer a natural part of life but something special something worth fighting to hold on too because you are i don't know you but i would be willing to bet you can do many things i cant your a hell of a lot more selfless than i am and that's very very admirable but you have to take care of your self before you can look after any one else.
if you cant control your emotions you need to get to a place where you can.
you have to move out for your sake and hers.
you said that its not manly to ignore a rejection and stop talking to the person but your ignoring the fact that your just hurting your self and her.
you must do the right thing by your self and her you must break it off.
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Dude if this is real then you need some serious help, you can't let someone run your emotional life like that. BUT... I feel like I just read a post by tdot... yep my troll radar is going haywire.
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Please for your own sake get out of it =(
I'm sure many of us gone through similar situations but one day you will soon realize how silly this is. Once you laugh about it, you know you are over it! You will find someone special.
Now go out and have some fun! Do what you love for yourself and do anything possible to get your mind off her. Do you really wanna keep hurting yourself like this?
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Hong Kong20321 Posts
had a similar situation back then although it was a bit more complicated. both of us kinda liked each other though. well i dont wanna post too much. PM me if you wanna talk op
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holy FUCKING SHIT man
just
fucking wow, i almost punched my fucking monitor reading the OP
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^ rofl, seriously OP, bro you are playing the game wrong.
She friend zoned you. Admit defeat and move the fuck on.
I mean, persistence is one thing, but 5 fucking years is just retarded.
Look, you can't be all emo and shit and still get some.
MOVE THE FUCK ON, start a new life, make something of yourself and grow the fuck up and when you've done that, go back to her, I will guarantee you both of you will now appreciate this period better.
Bitches come and go, great friend last a life time.
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dont listen to all the haters man
believe in urself if u wait long enough and do everything she wants, she'll eventually see u for a great person and nice guy and u guys will be together 4ever
its meant to be keep the faith
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On September 11 2010 20:27 baller wrote:
dont listen to all the haters man
believe in urself if u wait long enough and do everything she wants, she'll eventually see u for a great person and nice guy and u guys will be together 4ever
its meant to be keep the faith
Good one, you actually made me laugh.
He's right though.
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On September 11 2010 16:09 Dr3w wrote:
Dude. She put you in the friend zone the moment she met you. Once you enter the friend zone, it's rare to get out. Move on, be strong, and get that p00n you crave from some other girl.
P.S. Even though I say it's rare to get out of the friend zone, I believe best friends who can share everything with each other, make the most successful couples. Communication and dedication is key. Seriously. If you ever have to think twice about something, talk to your significant other about it.
The whole friendzone thing is a myth. You can get into the friendzone as well as get out. Obviously it's a little harder to get out but it's not like women make one judgement on you as a potential mate and keep that judgement forever. If you were some wimpy shit in the road and then suddenly you gained more self-confidence, started doing shit with your life, make mad dough, and in general show her a different side of you that she didn't know, then she's going to change her mind. Obviously that's an exaggerated example but I've been in the "friend zone" and gotten out of it multiple times. Of course first impressions are important but so are second and third ones. It's all about showing a side of you that she didn't see on the first impression that impresses her or changes her mind. I find that relationships work way better if, after you've been decent friends for a bit, this change happens. Most, if not all of my relationships have started as friendships and then we became lovers.
That being said, this process cannot happen for you, NickC, if you continue to stay the course. Of course this girl cares for you, of course you're friends, but in some senses, she's using you. Not the, "lawl, I'm such a evil bitch, i'mma use you," type but the "oh, I know the best thing is for us to spend some time away from each other but he's such a good friend to me and I don't want to have to lose that so I won't give him the freedom he needs even though he doesn't think he does"
A good friend would have pushed you away until you could clear your head and maybe come back, not keep you stuck in the friendship. A lot of people say that it's 100% hopeless and that's 100% never true. Unless you like kill her parents or something...Just take some time for YOURSELF instead of her. Try to spend a few months away from her and hang out with other people more and maybe pick up a new hobby. Your life should be about YOURSELF, if you start to like yourself more (which doesn't seem to be the case cause you're 100% in control of how you act in this relationship and you still keep at it), others (including her) might too.
That being said, don't make this out to be 100% her fault and that she's selfish and whatnot. You're just as selfish in constantly telling her you love her and making her feel like shit too. Obviously it's hard to see what she's thinking but she's your close friend, she probably feels shitty when you feel shitty, especially if it's caused by her. Even when she brings guys over and asks you to hang out "like a good friend", well no shit, she's not trying to deliberately make you feel bad, how is she to know that you still pine for her? To her, the issue was done with the last time you talked and the status quo isn't that you still love her but that it's worked out and you're just friends.
I'm pretty sure I have more to say but I'm hungry so in closing, good luck with this whole situation, I, and I'm sure others, have been in something similar, and try to focus your life more on YOU and less on others. Do things cause YOU want to do them not cause it'll make other people happy and like you. Once you start liking YOURSELF and do things that YOU want to do to make YOU happy, others will like you back.
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What do you mean, "HOW SELFISH IS THIS?" It's really fucking selfish. You're essentially trying to emotionally brute-force her in to loving you back, when she's been straight up FIFTY MILLION FUCKING TIMES that she just wants to be friends. If you really love her, move the fuck on and realize there's no relationship there beyond friendship. Hell, is it even that if she really just uses you as an emotion bucket? I'm sure that's just you being self-centered, though, and she actually does listen to you. If you need someone to cry to, let them no, don't pull some bi-polar breakdown shit on her about your obsession (because, as we've been over, she's not in to you, get over it.)
If there is any potential there, you'll find out when you let her go, move on to other girls and she comes running back to you. If not, who cares? You're fucking other girls.
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things seem to go wrong when you tell her you love her. maybe you need a better strategy.
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On September 11 2010 14:29 travis wrote:
Find some other stuff to think about and get over this girl. She clearly isn't that great so stop putting her on a pedestal. She is just fitting into a puzzle piece that you're missing, there are plenty of other girls who could do it as well.
And besides girls there are other ways to fill the puzzle piece, too. Hell, you can reshape the puzzle if you want.
Does anyone even know what I am talking about anymore?
I totally agree. I think OP just has an empty life and is trying to have this girl to fill it for him rather than actually doing something productive.
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good read, whatever happens good luck. generally speaking people take route 2 instead of route 1 simply because it usually smarter as well as being easier
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lol NickC, I won't tell you to "be a man" or some such thing, but one thing I think you and I can agree on:
if you keep doing more of what you did before, you will keep on getting the same result.
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Life is too short to deal with needless emotional stress. Five years from now you will laugh at yourself for becoming so emotionally unstable. It's not normal to be so obsessive with someone to the point where every little thing she says triggers a borderline mental freakout. Put your personal well being as one of your highest priorities, you'll enjoy life a lot more that way.
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On September 11 2010 12:23 sob3k wrote:
what a huge waste of time
lol this.
I've seen too many blogs like this on TL, wtf. If you can't hit it then quit it, asap. Why are you bothering to be friends with a girl who is just going to suck the life out of you, along with all your time and energy which could be spent on useful things, such as getting with girls who are actually interested in you.
Take a step back and try looking at your situation from an objective viewpoint. Hopefully you will see how absurd this is, and will gtfo asap. Always remember that women are just women. Take away all that is sexually alluring and charming about them, and they will seem utterly boring and pathetic. Ever been good friends with a girl who you thought was ugly because you liked her personality? ..Didn't think so. There is nothing special about this girl of yours. Once you realize that, you will start laughing at how silly this all is.
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Havn't read the other comments but .. I know someone in a very similar situation and I'm telling you, stop it. If you can't control yourself its over. You're only going to hurt yourself. Sure, your friend gets the benefit of having someone she can always count on and talk to, but all you're going to feel is a dull pain in your chest everytime she 'leads you on' or brings home a new guy.
Honestly if she were a real friend, she would have helped you out in your time of need. Hell, she'd tell your right here and now, 'it's never going to happen, if you break down like this again we should just stop talking to each other'. She would realize how painful it is for you. But hey, who am I to judge. All humans are inherently selfish and oblivious to others around them.
Just stop. It's clear that you cannot get over this girl. Your life will be much better without her.
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Read a quarter of this. Working my way through it. I have to say i get some vicarious entertainment through this.
Been in a similar situation. Cutting clean for awhile helped a great deal to get perspective. It's an option you should strongly consider.
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this relationship seems to be causing alot more harm than good- i think thats the point where you should break free of it
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I haven't ever actually posted on TL before (though I frequently, erm, frequent the forums), but reading this story has prompted me to finally do so. I can safely say I've been where you are, and lets be blunt: It sucks. But we all already knew that, so there's absolutely no point in deliberating that. What I do have for you, good sir OP, is a story, and some advice to go with. Please learn from it, and don't feel like I'm bashing you. You seem to be a legitimately nice guy, just misguided.
Anyways, on with the story. I remember being where you are quite well, as it's only been within the past year that I escaped it. She's a good person, as I'm sure your friend is too, fundamentally. This being said, its apparent that your friend has in common what Katie (my friend) did: She's completely nuts. I don't mean this in the stab-you-in-the-face way, but more in the stabby-rip-stab-stab way (that is to say, she's REALLY over emotional). Katie always did similar things; she loaded her emotions on me, whined about how lonely she was, complained to me and went to me to prevent one of her more terrible boyfriends from continually bothering her. To evince how thick she is, it took until this guy tried to *rape* her (thank god she was able to get away) to figure out just how bad he was and have me (and the subsequent authorities) intervene and keep her safe.
The amusing part about all of this is, after I helped her out, she "fell for me" (the quotes will become self apparent). We ended up dating for almost three years. The first year was very nice, with us both giving and taking in equal amounts, working at the relationship, and just generally the only thing being different with the hanging out being sexual contact. In short, it was awesome. But, as time progressed, it became increasingly apparent to me (much more so in hindsight, you'll find) that I was being used. Maybe not consciously, maybe so, but that doesn't change the ultimate fact that I was. A trend began where things needed to be done for her, and couldn't be done in reciprocate for me. For a long time, I did my best to ignore this fact- after all, I knew how bad her life was, especially how bad her previous boyfriend was, and I was determined not to be an all controlling prick.
Instead, I became the doormat, the polar opposite. As any scientist could tell you, extremes tend to be very, very bad things, and this is absolutely no exception to that rule. Long gone were the days where things were mutually decided or deliberated upon. All that needed to happen was her flash a puppy dog face and show me how "depressed" she was, and I'd go out of my way to cater to her whims. The worst part is, this continued for the majority of our relationship. I eventually (after many arguments, tears, blow ups, and blow outs that needn't be discussed in detail) was dumped by her, however, this was under the pretense of "I want to go back to how things used to be as friends!" Which, you know, seemed reasonable, considering how crappy things had become. The amusing part of this all, to me at least, was that the ultimate dynamic of our interaction remained the same.
This lasted another month after our breakup, culminating in both myself and mother being hospitalized and her going to a bloody fucking concert instead of visiting us before I said enough was enough. I told her in no uncertain terms that she was a terrible friend, who essentially only thought about what she needed, she wanted, and If I had to be damned for her to have that, then so be it! It was clear that what she desired out of me was not who I was, but who I could become for her when she needed it. To use a cute analogy, she loved Spider-Man, the hero I could become when her parents made her feel like shit or when a boy was giving her hell, but not Peter Parker, the geek who just wanted someones hand to hold and laugh with, the real me.
Now, friend, please tell me the similarities here are obvious? I can't say for sure whether your "friend" sticks by you for your heroic (if completely silly) insistence of being self-sacrificing, but everything you described certainly alludes to that being the reality of the situation. I understand how much you care, and how badly you want this to work, but it never will, not in a million years. Its not who your friend is. Ultimately, how shes treated you as a friend is the best indicator of how a relationship between you two would be- That is, abusive, one-sided, and borderline cruel to you.
A good girlfriend, a good wife, and just a good friend/companion in general all have the same basic traits in common: Loyalty, devotion, communication between the two, and just plain out consideration (they're more, of course, but I feel like they umbrella out of these general four). Someone whose yet to devote ANY of these things throughout your entire friendship is severely unlikely to demonstrate these qualities in a relationship. Even if they do, well, my story is a grand form of proof that this will not last. People, as a general, 99% always true rule, do not change. This is a fact of life, one that sucks to grasps, but pretending its not true is about as foolish as saying the sky is purple with pink polka dots. You can say it all you want, but it wont ever be true, not now and not ever.
I sincerely urge you to get out, and get out now. There is nothing that can come from this but more pain and more heartache for you. I realize that she uses you as a crutch, but she won't kill herself over it, and if she does it would've happened regardless. You need to stand up for yourself and do what you must to protect yourself. You can only be self sacrificing with someone who would do the same things for you-otherwise, your self sacrifice is now merely foolishness. I really hope that I haven't been too blunt or too cruel in what I've said; I speak from my heart, and want nothing more then to help you through this point in your life. If you want to know anything else about my story to see if it could help you, or just maybe want to ask a question you wouldn't want to publicly, PM me on here and I'll gladly give you my MSN. Otherwise, again, please, run as far away from her as you possibly can. Its going to hurt, and its going to suck, but you will find your "light at the end of the tunnel" to use a cliche'. I know I did. Good luck.
All the best, your friendly neighborhood SilverFox.
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Theres so much to say but I doubt you would accept any of it.
You lived with this person and you never hooked up. Not even once. She does NOT want to bang you.
Don't listen to these kids saying "work hard at it and it will happen". It WILL not. Not unless your jim carey talking to fucknig god himself (bruce almighty) and its just a trial. This isn't a trial of the gods.
This is a girl, an organism with reactions based on past experiences. She is clearly no cinderella, she isn't smart (smart girls do not like stupid random guys in bars).
Get off your fucking ass, and go volunteer somewhere with kids or animals. I did it, a girl (a few) noticed I was sweet, and they were all over me. I could've looked like you (I'm imaging not masculine.
If you don't read anything else - read this : Girls don't like guys who aren't in control/pass off control. Girls don't like the guy eating out with friends asking "Whats in the light pecan strawberry salad", uh, "ill take the house salad I guess". They like the guy making conversation saying "I want the manly manburger with extra bear semen" (confidence). Theres no way to be confident in this relationship- you've already put the white flag up that your desperate for her and will always be the doormat.
Your not in a relationship with this girl- you should never tell her you love her.
Have you ever heard the phrase "never make yourself somebodies option".
Your an option to her. An option she is not going to use because she is USING you for an emotional garbagebag.
Your not garbage- nobody is(debateable Andy Dick and kuran people and jersey shore viewers). She's just a girl, not developed mentally and seemingly immature. You only get one life are you really just going to wait on a girl who has wasted so much of your life thus far?
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You should remain to be her friend but you shouldn't then spend every waking moment trying to spend time with her or speaking to her on msn.
The more time you spend with her the more you will cleave to her in a romantic sense even if you don't want to. If you spent so much time alone with her its just logical that you get yourself into this habit of loving her so badly.
So I think what you should do is:
1) Limit your time spent with her to maybe...one day a week. It seems right now you talk to her like 7 days a week.
2) Hang out with and talk to other people
3) Consider other girls around you in a romantic sense.
4) Try to be more objective with the words she says, don't take everything to mean she's trying to tell you she likes you. Girls are very very ignorant when it comes to this sort of thing. They don't really know their doing it usually.
This should eventually change your view of her and help you to move on.
I'm going through something similar but in a much smaller scale right now, and to be honest no matter how much you hope and desire this, it's very unlikely to change and it's radically unhealthy to keep going through this cycle of love and rejection. I'm starting to move on, and seeing her less and spending time with other girls has really helped. Realising that other girls do like me and that I could end up really liking another girl other than her. Last weekend in fact this happened. Didn't lead anywhere but it was an enlightening and enjoyable experience.
Other than that I would share with you the fact that your worshipping this girl as god, and you need to realise in doing so your robbing the one true God of his due and you need to be saved. The video in my signiture will explain Christ and his offer of salvation much better than I can.
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Ok, you cannot continue like this. How many girlfriends have you had since developing these feelings for this girl? I can wager it is a big fat zero.
Now if you are not dating other girls because your mind is stuck on this one, then your life is going to suck until eventually an event removes her from your life anyway (Marriage or something). But that might not happen for a long time. You think you can just stop feeling the way you do about her? You can't. Your post clearly indicates this.
This leaves you with 1 option to fix your current situation. You need to break things off with her. You think that you are in a good friendship? You are just deluded by your feelings. You are in a terrible friendship and it's only hurting you.
My advice would be to ruin the relationship deliberately. Go to her house one night, dramatically rip off all your clothes in front of her and tell her that she either has sex with you then and there or you'll never speak to her again. That is a win-win scenario. You either get sex, or you follow through and don't speak to her again.
EDIT: Try to think of this girl as harmful addiction. She makes you feel good, but not for the right reasons and you've become dependent on her. Time to break the addiction
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Dude girls just want someone to talk to and if you talked to her for a long time about her deep emotions and shitty life she trusts you as a friend and it will never be more than that. Happened to me and I have gotten over it haha
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1- You're not selfish, SHE IS. She never resorts to you when she has a boyfriend or a friend with her. She USES you to ease her boredom and loneliness.
2- Your only mistake is to go to her every single time she calls you and get used so much.
3- You suck, because even in this situation, you think that you can't live without her. Admit it, you CAN. I've been through the same process as well, but mine was not 2 years, it was 2 months. And now, i got over it and moved on with my life (well, there were no single girl who liked me, but that girl didn't like me as well).
4- Reason for every single fight between you two is she tries to use the most out of you.
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Please, get on David DeAngelo's doubleyourdating.com mailing list immediately. Here's a sample:
A Mistake That "Turns Women Off" INSTANTLY
I'd like to tell you a story...
It's a story that you might find strangely
familiar. Don't be alarmed.
Once upon a time, there was a man who was very
attracted to a particular woman.
At first, she was just another attractive
woman... but the more he got to know her, the more
he began to feel attracted to her... and the more
time he spent with her, the more that attraction
grew into a deep emotional attachment and
affection for her.
But, there was one problem.
As his emotional attachment grew stronger and
stronger, he also grew more and more insecure.
Why?
Because he couldn't tell whether or not she
felt the same way towards him.
Sometimes, she would say things like, "You are
so important to me" and "I'm glad that you're in
my life"... but nothing ever progressed past the
"friendship" stage.
There was an occasional hug, an occasional kiss
on the cheek from her... and once, she even held
his hand for a long time while he talked about an
emotional issue.
But, something was wrong with the picture.
She just wasn't acting like a woman that was
"falling in love". She was acting like a friend.
The insecurity that he felt became a spiral
that amplified itself... and the more insecure he
became, the more afraid he grew of "screwing
things up" by kissing her or asking her to be his
girlfriend.
Plus, the more insecure he became, the less
time she seemed to want to spend with him.
After spending many days and nights obsessing
over this girl, the man finally arrived at the
conclusion that, if she only knew how HE FELT, she
would feel the same way.
So, he made a bold move.
He TOLD HER how he felt.
He confessed that he was in love and that he
would do anything to be with her.
She looked at him with compassion in her eyes
and said, "Thank you... I really mean that... but
I don't want to mess up our friendship... you're
too important to me...."
This only confused the man more.
He didn't know how to take it...
Did it mean that she really loved him too, but
that she was afraid of something?
Did it mean that she wasn't ready for a long
term relationship?
Did it mean that she didn't love him, but that
she was trying to give him a hint?
Did it mean that he hadn't tried hard enough?
Did it mean that he needed to put everything on
the line and REALLY let her know how he felt?
He finally decided that he couldn't go on like
this anymore... he had to be with her.
He had to make sure that she knew just how much
he wanted to be with her... so, he took a big step
- He bought her a symbolic gift and wrote her a
long, long letter... again confessing his
feelings.
And then, the unthinkable happened.
She didn't reply.
He called her three times a day for almost a
week before reaching her.
She made an excuse about being very busy and
said, "I'll try to give you a call soon, I have to
go"... and hung up...
but... he never got a call back.
Over the following months the man tried
desperately to understand what went wrong... and
what happened.
THE END
OK, I'm back.
Now, wasn't that a sweet story?
Heartwarming, huh?
I know, I should keep my day job, and not take
up writing romance novels...
Now, let's talk about that story.
That story is basically a MYTH.
And I'm not talking about FICTION here.
I'm talking about a story that rings true for a
great majority of men. A story that is timeless. A
story that resonates at a deep level because you
can IDENTIFY with it.
And why does this particular story resonate for
most men?
Because we've all been there in one way or
another... at one time or another... and many of
us have been there OFTEN in our lives.
Another thing that gives this particular story
a lot of power is the powerful negative emotions
that it stirs... as a result of the powerful
negative experiences that it reminds us of...
Stories and situations like this one really
FASCINATE me.
They fascinate me because I see them as an
opportunity to UNDERSTAND and SOLVE the puzzles
that they represent.
In this particular situation I think there is a
solution.
And it lies in understanding a secret that
women know, but MEN DON'T.
And that secret comes down to the reality that
if a woman isn't ATTRACTED to a man, all of his
attempts to confess his love, convince her to like
him, and court her BACKFIRE.
In other words, they not only DON'T WORK, they
actually make things WORSE.
The very things that a man does to try to make
a woman LIKE HIM, make her NOT like him.
They make her run.
All those great intentions and emotional
dedication actually cause the man feeling them to
do things that make her go away.
It sucks.
And I hope that by explaining the process of
how this happens, I'll help you to avoid this
painful situation in the future...
By the way, if you read that story and said to
yourself, "That's happened to ME!", then you might
want to go and check THIS out. It will help BIG
TIME:
http://www.DoubleYourDates.com/SexualCommunication/
THE "INSTANT EWWW"
I'm always fascinated by the idea that we
humans don't always understand the message that
we're communicating to others...
So often we think that just because we WANT to
communicate a message, that others are going to
NATURALLY understand what we're trying to say.
Have you ever seen a guy in a foreign car that
has wheels on it that cost more than the car
itself... with his stereo blasting... and a
muffler that somehow AMPLIFIES the raw sound of
the 4-cylinder motor...?
Have you ever thought to yourself, "I don't
think that car is communicating the message to
women that he thinks it is"...?
Yeah, I have too.
Well here's the deal:
If you do something to "let a woman know how
you feel"... but she isn't ATTRACTED to you, then
it IS going to backfire.
It's going to trigger a feeling that I like to
call the "Instant Ewww".
The "Instant Ewww" is just as powerful as the
physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.
Once a woman feels it, YOU'RE DONE.
It's over.
It's like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the
coffin.
Once a woman feels the "Instant Ewww", she will
start behaving differently.
vIn short, she'll disappear.
So where did I get the concept of the "Instant
Ewww"?
I got it from WOMEN.
I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the
word "Ewww" when describing how they felt about a
guy that was "confessing his love"... Of course,
these were guys that weren't loved in return.
So, what causes the "Instant Ewww"?
And why would a woman feel it towards a man who
was trying to be nice... a guy who was giving her
a gift or telling her how he feels?
Because if you think about it from HER
perspective, you'll realize that the moment you
do something to "confess", you have created a
TURNING POINT in the relationship.
Up until that point, you were harmless.
I mean, women always know how men feel.
She already knew you wanted her.
She knew it from the beginning.
But now that you've started pursuing her and
talking about how you feel, you've created a
NEGATIVE TENSION that is VERY uncomfortable.
You've triggered an emotion that is repulsive
to women. And it does repel them.
In summary...
You can't "make a woman like you" or "change
how she feels about you" by doing nice things for
her...
Doing "nice" things for a woman who isn't
attracted to you HURTS you. It backfires. Worse,
it creates the "Instant Ewww" feeling that makes
it so she'll NEVER like you.
Men make this mistake over and over again in
life because they're doing what MAKES SENSE to
them. They're doing it because they don't have an
understanding of ATTRACTION.
I mean, if you have a friend, and you like
them, and you want to make them like you more...
and you do some nice things for them, they will
probably like you more.
On the other hand...
If you have a woman that you "like" in a
romantic way and she doesn't "feel it" for you,
and you do something nice for her because you want
HER to like you more, it will BACKFIRE... and she
will not only NOT like you more, she will most
likely distance herself from you.
Guys think that they need to communicate when
they like a woman... as if that's part of the
necessary process of getting a girl.
In their minds, it goes like this:
Like her -> Tell her you like her -> She likes
you
Well remember... if you follow this pattern
yourself with women who aren't ATTRACTED to you,
then it's going to BACKFIRE.
If she's not into you, then it goes like THIS:
She thinks of you as a friend -> You tell her
you like her -> She gets the "Instant Ewwws" and
never wants to be around you again...
THE ANSWER
There are really TWO answers to this problem.
The first answer is what to do if you're in a
situation where you like a particular girl, but
you don't know if she likes you back.
DON'T GET HEAVY WITH HER.
Don't buy her a big gift and write a love
letter...
Don't send her ten dozen roses to her work with
a note that says, "From your secret admirer".
Don't call her three times a day.
And DON'T CONFESS YOUR LOVE for her.
If you want to know how she feels about you,
KISS HER (and use "The Kiss Test" that you learned
on my website and in my book).
As a rule of thumb, don't get heavier than HER.
Use SIGNALS from her to find out how she feels...
and if you don't know how to read and create those
signals, then LEARN.
Asking a woman if she's interested in you in a
romantic way or if you are "her type", will
actually DESTROY the chances that she'll like you.
Really.
The SECOND answer is: Don't get into this
particular situation in the FIRST PLACE. Avoid it
entirely.
And how does one do that?
One does that by creating ATTRACTION from the
beginning.
One does that by understanding the dynamics of
how and why women have the physical and emotional
response of ATTRACTION triggered.
One does that by knowing what you're doing FROM
THE BEGINNING.
And what's the best way to learn THAT skill?
I thought you'd never ask...
The very best way to learn how to make women
feel ATTRACTION for you is to get yourself a copy
of my Advanced Dating Techniques CD/DVD Program.
I've spent several years now studying the ways
that men who are "naturals" communicate using
their words, voice tone, and body language that
makes them MAGNETIC to women.
And I'll tell you... it's not magic.
You don't have to be rich, handsome, or young.
And you don't have to be LUCKY.
What you DO have to do is LEARN.
It's a skill, and I honestly believe that ANY
man can learn it if he wants to.
But you're not likely to figure it out by
"trial and error". Many of the keys to making
women feel ATTRACTION aren't "obvious" at all.
In fact, many of them make no sense... and
they're the LAST thing you'd do in a particular
situation if you didn't know the SECRETS.
I'm telling you, this program will show you the
way. I guarantee that this program will INSTANTLY
change how you behave around women.
And, it will start getting you results
IMMDIATELY.
Go check out the details and some great free
samples here:
http://www.DoubleYourDates.com/AdvancedSeries/
If you'd like an introduction to my basic
concepts, you should go and download a copy of my
online eBook "Double Your Dating". You can
download it right now and be reading it within a
few minutes. It's here:
http://www.DoubleYourDates.com/eBook/
And I'll talk to you again soon.
Your Friend,
David D.
P.S. Want to watch some great free video clips and
learn about all of the different programs I've
created to help you learn how to meet and attract
women? Go here and take a look:
http://www.DoubleYourDates.com/Catalog/
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LOL i just love these girl blogs on tl. reading some of the replies are just gold.
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Wow you need to stop torturing yourself, and never talk to this girl again. That's obviously the only way you can get on with your life.
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Yeah bro, never take the easy way out! Acting like a lab rat and constantly going up against the electrified fence in a pointless exercise of repetition, disregarding previous experiences is obviously the solution.
:brofist:
And to the guy above with the gigantic wall of text(or should I say advertisement for a crock of shit), keep the spamming/advertisement restricted or just post a link if you really must.
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On September 13 2010 09:01 vlf wrote:
Yeah bro, never take the easy way out! Acting like a lab rat and constantly going up against the electrified fence in a pointless exercise of repetition, disregarding previous experiences is obviously the solution.
:brofist:
And to the guy above with the gigantic wall of text(or should I say advertisement for a crock of shit), keep the spamming/advertisement restricted or just post a link if you really must.
Actually, the labrat would learn. Pavlov's dog man. :D
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Korea (South)1897 Posts
On September 11 2010 21:22 Lightwip wrote:Show nested quote +On September 11 2010 20:27 baller wrote:
dont listen to all the haters man
believe in urself if u wait long enough and do everything she wants, she'll eventually see u for a great person and nice guy and u guys will be together 4ever
its meant to be keep the faith Good one, you actually made me laugh. He's right though.
He's actually fucking with the op. lol.
Listen, the main thing here isn't the girl, its you.
You've lost your sense of being a man because if you are experiencing such extreme emotions that you can't control, you've just lost sight of who you are.
Girls and women, in general, don't know what they want, and if you expect some girl to suddenly figure it out, they don't unless a lot of time and space go by.
But here is the thing, if you don't find yourself, where you can be alone and happy, then you're not even human, just a bunch of emotions wanting to have reciprocation, to be wanted in the same way, and the thing is, after all this time, this mentality has taken a life of its own. But you being ruled by these strong emotions for this chick ain't being you, cause you are who are you, a single individual given life by your parents and God. You are very significant, but yet you're living you life for some little bit of emotional freeback? Is her 'love' or is she more important than you?
But I 'll say this too, some women are just broken in the head. And sometimes, after a few years, they'll ring you back and say, they want to meet, they regret, blah, blah and you won't give a damn cause you'll have moved on, no matter how difficult because, you are just as significant as a life and a human being.
Its not a matter of being a man for you, or being in the friend zone or sticking with this for love. You need to realize that there is such a thing of a healthy equal relationship and that you need to have that self worth at least.
It's two complete people coming together to make a single good relationships, not two broken people hoping that they can just get through life together.
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On September 13 2010 09:27 MightyAtom wrote:Show nested quote +On September 11 2010 21:22 Lightwip wrote:On September 11 2010 20:27 baller wrote:
dont listen to all the haters man
believe in urself if u wait long enough and do everything she wants, she'll eventually see u for a great person and nice guy and u guys will be together 4ever
its meant to be keep the faith Good one, you actually made me laugh. He's right though. He's actually fucking with the op. lol.
I meant that with the fact that he's probably using sarcasm.
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tl;dr
girl makes life sad for you. you love girl.
tell girl you love her. tell girl, look, i get hurt a lot. tell girl that you gotta move on. done.
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i was on a similar situation just a few months back it lasted almost 10 months - 1 year.. in my case the best solution for me was to stop being her friend, we both depended on each other and i liked that because i liked her a lot but i realized that i was just living a lie..
You will learn a lot from this experience, i did and i feel that i grew up thanks to this.
I used to think the same as you about this situation, that i should man up and try to be her friend but now i think about it and i guess i didnt have the balls back then to break the friendship because i had this little hope that she would change her mind some day.
that was a really intense relationship but it wasnt good neither for me or her now im feeling so freaking good and calmed and re doing my life.
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I've got news for you: The girl is still only friends with you because you'll kill her and wear her around like a jacket after your skin her for leaving you. You're a psycho. And you're not in love. Lordy
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Don't be too hard on yourself OP -- it's clear that she doesn't love you, not even half as much as you do for her. And don't be afraid OP -- you're a good guy, so (1) you don't need friends like that, whether it's a girl or guy and (2) you can find much better girls who will love you for who you are.
+ Show Spoiler +Source: I've had a very similar story to you, best friends for 4+ years, had feelings for a long time but learned to cope somewhat during all the constant flirting, confessions and rejections (man that sucked). Luckily she moved across the country, and I moved on. I eventually found a girl who loves me as much as I love her, and I can't emphasize enough to you how different a relationship is when both parties selfessly love each other.
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This has probably been said 30 times in this thread, but just to add emphasis,
Dude, grow some major fucking testicles, please. If some chick is moving through multiple boyfriends in YOUR apartment (probably having awesome sex in the process), then...
MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.
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On September 13 2010 22:36 Hawk wrote:
I've got news for you: The girl is still only friends with you because you'll kill her and wear her around like a jacket after your skin her for leaving you. You're a psycho. And you're not in love. Lordy
Out of all of your blunt and ill-mannered posts, I find this one extremely appropriate.
OP: you need to move on, seriously.
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Fuck ten other women and see if you still care
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love is a two way thing bro, you're just infatuated.
I do understand,
but you need really to man up
Hit the gym, get into a new sport, spend some ''man time'' with your friends
turn the leaf man
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I can post another wall of text up here offering real advice, as a guy who's gone through such a stage in life and grew out of it... but it might be faster if you just search up David DeAngelo's "Double Your Dating" and read it. Another one I found pretty good was "The Ex^2 System." Don't take in all of it, but the general idea is this:
Don't be a pussy.
In your case, it might already be a lost cause. You might stand a glimpse of a chance if you just simply ignore her until she can't stand it anymore. Also, make her believe you're dating another girl while you're ignoring her completely. It would be best if you can actually date another girl, but it's not necessary. I don't want to explain why this might work... you need to read the books (ebooks, free, find them) to understand.
And remember this - it doesn't matter how attracted you are to her. It only matters how attracted she is to you.
Read that 500 times.
Get that in your head.
Be attractive.
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TL has to be the worst place to go for girl-advice ever. Are you guys seriously recommending a guy who's obsessing over a girl pickup books? Somehow I can't decide who's creepiest in this thread.
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What's the bet the OP is a Terran playeR?
He turtles up on two bases and hopes that he has a chance to win. Even when the opponent is on 7 bases. He holds off all the shit that comes his way and hopes that eventually he'll win with them giving in.
The question is, is that how you really wanna win?
Start a new game dude.
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Seems there has been an increase in the amount of girl blogs over the last few days.
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EPT
