EPTI guess I'll tell you a little about myself first, this being my first blog and all. It's in the spoiler, if you care to know.
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My name is Alex, or Alexander it you want to get professional, heh.
I'm 19 years old, and I'll be 20 in September [the best month].
I'm a part-time employee at Johnny Brusco's New York Style Pizza.
I live in Concord North Carolina, and I live with my Dad, Step-Mom, and two younger step-siblings [one brother, one sister].
Currently, I'm enrolled at Central Piedmont Community College, studying my core classes so I can amount the 15 credits I need to get into the military.
I'm 19 years old, and I'll be 20 in September [the best month].
I'm a part-time employee at Johnny Brusco's New York Style Pizza.
I live in Concord North Carolina, and I live with my Dad, Step-Mom, and two younger step-siblings [one brother, one sister].
Currently, I'm enrolled at Central Piedmont Community College, studying my core classes so I can amount the 15 credits I need to get into the military.
So, having a little background info... onward with my spewing of essentially pointless ranting and rambling. Well, to you anyways
I guess it all started years ago, in my 10th grade English class. At the time, I was living In Florida, not North Carolina, and I was with my Mom, Step-Dad, and biological Brother.
It was my first day in this class. I was still relatively new to the school, and there were a lot of people I didn't know. I already had a friend in the class, from the year before, so that was a good thing I suppose.
Well... time went on, the days passed as anyone would expect. Smoking pot after school, playing video games, hanging out; the usual highschool shit.
About two weeks or so into this class, I had become pretty comfortable with it. I had many new friends, the teacher was really cool... I couldn't really ask for much else, right? Parents still paying my bills, free pot, and the list goes on. I had it good.
Well, I was out at lunch one day, kickin' the shit with my best bud Joey. I was one of the loner/skater kids, so probaby needless to say, hacky-sack passed my lunch time more often than not.
But today was different. There was a girl. I forget exactly what happened, but basically, we had started talking, and didn't really stop. I mean, I had talked to her before, and she was a pretty cool chick, so I was thinking, shit, I'll take a cool friend with big tits. Hell yea, right? Yea, that's what I was thinking too!
So, again, the days passed as expected. More pot smoking, more video game playing [Starcraft wrecked my grades :D] and more mooching from the parents.
Another week or two passed, and surely enough, I was out at lunch, kickin' the hack around with my buddies, but decided to call it GG a littl early today. So I went to sit and chill for the last however long til the bell rang, so I talked to this girl so more.
Well, the bell rang, and I gave out my usual hugs, daps, brofists, and everything of the sort to everyone. I started walking towards my locker, when from behind me I heard my name. It was her! She had come up to me to tell me to tell me that she really liked to talk with me and hang out, so I was pretty much like, "...Okay...? I like hangin' out with you too." And then, she just stood there, staring into my eyes and flooding my soul. Immediately butterflies began to fill my stomach. My blood turned into a river; my heart was pounding. I knew what it meant. I knew right then, exactly what had to be done, so I grabbed her hand, and leaned in to kiss her. It was probably the most vivid memory I've had, ever.
So I walked to class, my skin tense from the excitement. I knew that she was mine now. I was smiling so much, my cheeks started to hurt. The only way I can describe it is through the following lyrics:
'A classroom circle slowly drifts on...
I knew right then I'd carve your name, so I...'
- 36 Crazy Fists, Left Hand Charity
So that was it. I had my girl.
Well, lets fast-forward a bit. I'm now dropped out of school shortly after starting my 11th grade year. We are still dating, though we did have our issues, as any couple does.
She lived with her Mom, Step-Dad, and little Brother. Her Step-Dad. This fucking guy. What a bag of shit. Criminals have more of a moral ethic than this fucking guy. I despised him with all of my being. He... fucking hell I don't even want to talk about him. Suffice it to say, he was the worst part of her life by far.
After putting up with so much of his shit, she decided to GG it. My Mom let her move in with us. Yea, my Mom is a fucking cool ass Mom.
So she moved in. Oh man... I had it made. My girlfrend was living in the next room over, and had birth control [hurp derp?]. I was smoking pot, was out of school... basically, I was getting everything and not having to do anything for it. I was spoiled rotten, basically.
Well, we moved from our house to a cheaper, better house across town. She, of course, moved with us. Helping us pack, unpack, she cooked from time-to-time... She did a lot more than I did, to be honest. But she is a woman, that's her job! [Jay Kay Gais -_-]
Well, my life basically kept this path for... I don't know... months and months.
To set the tone of this blog, I was listening to this.
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Then... one day... I looked at myself in the mirror, fresh out of the shower, and thought to myself, "Alex... what the fuck bro. You have always hated people like this. You are a slacker, a mooch, a horrible son, a horrible boyfriend, and - most likely - a horrible Man. You have no job, do almost nothing for your girlfriend, who loves you to 'death'. You help little to none with hosuehold chores. All the fuck you do all day is sit around playing video games, smoking pot, and eating food. You are a fucking disgrace."
Well... This got my mind going on so many levels I can't even explain them all in the 10,000 word limit, as hard as I may try. Basically, I set a goal to improve myself and become a better person.
I found out very quickly that I couldn't do this, atleast not on my own. I was to weak. I could not pass up smoking weed when all my friends did it, I mean come on dude, how can you say no when the blunt is right there? I couldn't steer myself away from video games. I had absolutely no motivation what-so-ever to look for a job... It just wasn't working.
So, I went for a walk one day. I was out for... I don't even remember how long. I took a seat in some random place, and thought about my life, long and hard. I had to change. I loved my girl to much to be 'that guy'. My Mom and Step-Dad had their own problems, financial mostly, and my mooching and eating and smoking their money wasn't helping anyone.
It really depressed me, so I started drinking. It was only a little at first, but the nit turned into asking my Mom or my girlfriend for $5 every damn day to go buy some cheap ass beer to get drunk. It was a problem, and I knew it. My life was in shambles, and it was all my fault. I should have been happy. I got to fuck my girl whenever I wanted. I got free weed, food, water, etc etc. But I just wasn't happy. I needed to be happy with myself. I was an absolute mess, and the more I thought about it, the more depressed I got. The more depressed I got, the more 'pain' I held inside. I didn't want to seem weak infront of my friends, family, or for that matter, I didn't want to see myself be weak.
Time passed, and the problem just got worse. I could not avoid temptation...
I laid two options on the table for myself... One, I could do the unspeakably greedy, selfish, senseless act that had plagued my mind for some time. It would be so easy. Take all my brothers medication for his epilepsy. I would be out like a light, and never turned back on. Or, option Two, I call the one, single person who I know I share more with than any other. The one person who I have loved, hated, despised, admired, feared, respected... My Dad. I could call my Dad and see if he can help me. I obviously choose the sensible option, seeing as how this blog is here.
I asked him if I could live with him for a while. I told him a little bit about my problems and everything of the nature. He did what any loving parent would do, and opened his doors to me. He showed me what I mean to him.
Well, afte rmy mind was made up, and the date was set for him to come and get me and all my belongings, I finally told my family. It was roughly a week befor emy departure that I told them, prior to that, they knew absolutely nothing. I knew if I told them they would somehow convince me to stay, and my life would stay the same. I had to convince myself it was for the better.
So, of course, upon news of my decision, some supported it and some opposed. Others opposed strongly, to say it in so many words.
Well... my Dad came and got me and everything I wanted to take with me. I parted with my single most valued possession. A blanket my Dad got me years ago. I left it with none other than the one person who I wanted to have it - my girl.
After everything was said and done, and I was here in North Carolina, my life picked up very quickly. In the first two months, I had my license, health insurance, and was on the prowl for work. I was planning on the military, but I ran in to so many road blocks... but, I have had more progress here than there, ya know? In the 8-9 months I have lived here, I have a license, insurance [car and health], I have a job, I am enrolled in college... so, I would say it was the right decision. However... there is one thing I don't have. Yup. You guessed it, a girlfriend.
I'm not exactly sure what happened... but as time passed, we stopped talking. I didn't call her, she didn't call me. After the first few months, the only communication we had was a few bullshit myspace messages, which I usually just blew off for a later date, only to end up forgetting, being in the struggle of the job search, college registration, and all the good stuff about becoming an 'adult'.
Well... I guess this really, really bothered her, as it should. I stopped showing interest.
At some point, she was fed up with it and I got a message on my mysapce basically saying that we were thru. I didn't know what to do. I tried to IM her, and nothing. I called her the next day or maybe the day after; as soon as I got the chance.
As it turns out, I'm a horrible communicator. I don't know how to do it good enough or often enough or both or... I don't know exactly, like I said, but I'm bad at it.
I admitted my wrongs. I knew almost immediately that I had fucked up. It was my fault and we both knew it.
But there is one thing that I still don't understand... her and I have talked about it, but I try to steer away from it, just trying to make her happy enough to take me back. I was not the only one lacking in the effort department. I got no phone calls from her, granted she would have to call my Dad's cell. None the less, she didn't even try. She rarely got on yahoo, and evern when she did, she uses some program that doesn't let her show as invisible, so I wouldn't know anyways. Minus the... I'll be liberal and say 15 - myspace messages, she gave no effort either. So I guess I just want to udnerstand... you know? I want to be better for her, but I don't know how...
On that note, a little bit about some recent events. Well, since the day she broke up with me and gave me a chance to 'prove I am worth her time' I have been online [yahoo and myspace] every, single night, barring my internet wasn't down, or someone else wasn't on the computer. I have called her more often. Not everday, or even every week, but atleast trying, you know? I don't have a cell, and there is no land-line at my house, so I have to kind of get lucky with my Dad being home, having his phone charged, and her not being at work, or having her phone turned off. It's hard to match them all up, ya know?
Anyways... shortly after breaking up with me, she starts hanging out with her friends, or maybe just hanging out more often, or maybe just finally telling me about it, I'm not sure. But, shortly after the break-up, she tells me - and I can't remember the order of these events, but just read on - that she is going to go hang out with this guy Mike at some hookah bar, and basically just hang out. Well, I have no idea who Mike is, and I already don't like him. He is taking the girl who tells me she loves me and who cries about me, out on... basically, a date. Eating, doing whatever they did, I don't know.
Well, I tell her that I was none to happy about it. I mean, come on... would you be happy if the girl you love broke up with you and essentially went on a date with some guy who you have never even met? Well, she kind of was like... meh, whatever sorry. Ya, I know. Real sincere right?
So a week or two, or maybe even three passed by, and I was online to talk to her one night. Well... she didn't show, so I was a little curious.
The next night when she got on, she told me that she was out with this guy James. Again, someone whom I have never met. And, apparently, they were out at a bar, drinking free beer, playing pool all night. So... basically, instead of coming home and talking to me, the guy she says she loves and all this good stuff, or even coming home to tell me she was going out, she just doesn't say a thing and tells me about it the next night.
So I don't understand how she can say she loves me and I mean so much to her and I'm not worth her time, if she won't give enough of it to me to prove her wrong.
Now, understand. I am a very jealous guy. I don't mind certain things, as long as I know about them and all this good stuff, but going out on two different 'dates' wth two different guys, neither of which I even know? That just seems fucked up. How can you love someone so much, or say you do, and do that? What the fuck?
I know I hype myself up about a lot of things she does, or rather doesn't do. Examples... Well, she also works and goes to school, so I know how busy her schedule is, but it still just makes me mad when I sit and think about it. I am on here everynight waiting for her, and she gets on two, maybe three times a week. She still doesn't call me. She still says little to nothing outside of yahoo.
She says how bad I am [or was?] at communication, but I am still on this fucking computer, every night, waiting for her.
Just the other day, we were talking for a little bit. She was doing homework, so it wasn't much, but it was something. So she finished her homework and it picked up a bit, but then, shortly there-after, she decided watch Ru-Paul [some faggot drag queen] was more entertaining than giving me the time of day.
I try to send little hints that I want to talk, but I guess she doesn't pick up on it. I really don't want to have to tell her to talk to me, cause that kind of defeats the purpose...
Everything I do is basically revolving around her. She is one of the reasons I moved up here. I had[/u] to better myself. I had to be a real man before I can be a real boyfriend. I only get maybe 3 to 5 hours of sleep every night because I can't stop thinking about her. I try to think of anything I can do to make her happy or let her know how I feel, or anything like that.
I love her so much, and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should just tell her everything I have written here, or if I should try to play the cool card and just let it in day by day, or if I should keep doing what I'm doing... I just don't know.
I mean, how can I win? She says I need to prove myself, but how? I didn't do anything special - to my knowledge - to make her love me the first time, so what the fuck do I do? I just want her to love me like I love her, but I don't honestly think she could even comprehend that emotion. I mean, not to under-estimate her feelings, but she just doesn't know. She can't know, can she? She shattered my entire world with one message on myspace. And I know it hurt her, but I don't think she can understand how it's hurt me.
We've broken up... 3 times now? And each time, it's been her call. I've been guttered, dumped, whatever the fuck you want to call it, by the same girl. The girl who says the loves me. The girl who I wish I could make happy.
She said that it was really hard to break up with me, but I don't know if I can believe that. I don't know if she just wanted to get my attention, or if she wanted to 'whip' me, or if she realized she doesn't love me like she thought she did, or what. I mean, if it was really as hard as she said, why didn't she just call me? Why didn't she do everything she could to avoid it?
I don't know guys... I just...
Fuck man...
Fuck Fuck Fuck.
I hate this shit. The more I think about her, the more depressed I get because I know she could go out and do whatever she wants, and not only can I not stop her, or talk her out of it, she wouldn't care if I tried.
We we're talking a while back about the thing with those 2 guys she went out to date, or hang out with or whatever, and I was telling her how I didn't like that she did it and that it hurt me, and she goes, "Well, I hate to sound mean or whatever, but you don't really have that authority over me, you aren't my boyfriend." What the fuck? Seriously? You say you love me and you sa you want to be with me, but my words don't mean a fucking thing unless we're dating? I'm not genius, but I don't think that's how love works. I would never even think of doing anything remoteley like that. If she didn't want me to talk to the girls at my work, I wouldn't do it. If she didn't want me to wear white socks, I'd go buy new socks. Do you get what I'm saying? I just don't understand it...
Like I said... I know I hype these things up by sitting and thinking about it, and if you ask her she'd tell you I'm just trying to play the puty game with myself. You know, 'Woe is me' and all that jazz, but I refuse to accept that. She only thinks this because she isn't in my shoes. I didn't set her on the curb and walk away. She isn't the bad guy. She doesn't have to do a fucking thing except sit back and watch and wait to see what I do and decide if it's good enough for her...
I just...
-deep breath-
I just wish I knew what to do I guess... I feel like I'm not good enough; like no matter what I do, that can be done, won't be enough. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't really have to prove myself in the first place.
It has to say something that I got up and took control of my life, right? Shouldn't that count for something?
Oh man...
3,600 words according ot Microsft Word... I didn't plan on writing this much... :\
I guess I should end this thing, yea?
Well... for anyone who cares, this is my love... my favorite picture of her.
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![[image loading]](http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b391/alexfox420/baby.jpg)
For anyone who read this... I guess thanks. I don't know... feel free to reply or whatever. Just please... don't troll me. For the love of God. Don't troll this thread. -_-
- Full[3]Metal[8]Jacket
'The Sun Will Set Tonight On All The Lonely Dreamers, Only To Rise Again So We Can Start It Over'
