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OK! I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. So last month I totalled my 2004 mazda rx-8 (my baby [sad face]) anyways. Car was totalled nobody was hurt, except me I got whiplash and I was the cause of the accident, rear ended someone.
Anyways...
now, my mother is the cosign on the car since I bought the car before I had established a decent credit line. I had a very well paying job at the time, took care of the down payment, monthly payments, and insurance for about a year. I sued the car-lot for some shady shit and bottom line was we (my mother and I) got the car for a total of $13,550 dollars.
The insurance company made their offer on the total and offered me *and my mother* $14,000 to buy out the car. We agreed to accept the offer.
Heres where it gets interesting.
I owe my parents some money because of taxes and about a years worth of payments on the car. We talked and agreed to split the car money from the insurance company 50/50 so we'd both be recieving $7000 and out of my half of the money I would pay my taxes (about $1200)...
This was all discussed two weeks ago and because my mother is the main account on the insurance (USAA army insurance because of my grandfather, extremely cheap and great coverage) I cannot call the company to accept the offer, she must do it...
Heres where it gets REALLY interesting.
I am 21 years old, I have a good job. I obviously don't have a car anymore and I want to move out to San Francisco where I wont really need a car, at least for a while. And I want to use this money to move out. I plan on using the money as a first and last month deposit on an apartment with a friend and putting the rest in my saving account.
SHE WILL NOT CALL THE COMPANY!
We've argued about this every day for a week now and she wont give me a good answer as to why she wont call the company to accept the offer. **What your confused? ME TOO**
She keeps telling me, I need to save more money, I'm not ready to move out on my own, my jobs not good enough... all the usual parental responces.
I am 21 years old and its my fucking right, to take my mother fucking money, and do what I please... is it not?
I've been wanting to move out for YEARS and finally I have the finances and everything organized to do it and she will not let me. I think she just doesn't want me to move out yet...
It's getting to the point where I'm thinking of taking legal action and sueing her for the money. As much as I dont want to do it, it IS mine and being so I have the right to do with it what I please and it is not right for her to hold it from me.
What should I do? How do I handle this? Has anyone been in any situations similar to this? I dont even know what are the right questions to ask but I need guidance from someone who actually has something intelligent to say.
Help me out guys!
 
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Do not sue your mom, talk it out man.
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As much as it may suck right now being forced to stay there, you would regret taking legal action against your mom for the rest of your life, no matter how wrong she is
no doubt she just doesnt feel like letting go yet, some parents can be very immature when it comes to this. Ask her if its about that, if she really isnt confident that you can make it on your own, or is it actually that she just doesnt want to see you go?
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Legal action would cost you more than the $7000 you agreed to... so not worth it.
Like other said, be an adult and have a reasonable discussion with your mom.
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Tell her how much harder it will be for you to get by in San Francisco without your startup funds.
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Have you tried talking to her about moving out? Do you think she is afraid of being lonely when you move away? If that's the case, I would probably sit her down and tell her that you're not going to be her "little boy" for the rest of her life. Tell her she's holding you back and that you need to learn to be independent. You're 21 and you just have to make her accept the fact that you're growing up. I wouldn't file a suit against her, because that would totally destroy your relationship. You just have to be persistent. Don't let her tell you no because it is your money, but really try to be mature about it.
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See I underatand all of the aboves' posts, and I get what you guys mean but thats the problem. She will not budge, every conversation is just a constant stream on No's. She will not budge and I when I try to talk to her she just shuts me down and we get into an argument. I'm literally being forced to stay here because I dont have enough money (without the $7000) to move out comfortably, I can do it... I can go get a place right now, but I'd be strapped for cash for a month or two so thats not really a smart thing to do...
On March 24 2010 14:18 pwnst4r wrote:
Have you tried talking to her about moving out? Do you think she is afraid of being lonely when you move away? If that's the case, I would probably sit her down and tell her that you're not going to be her "little boy" for the rest of her life. Tell her she's holding you back and that you need to learn to be independent. You're 21 and you just have to make her accept the fact that you're growing up. I wouldn't file a suit against her, because that would totally destroy your relationship. You just have to be persistent. Don't let her tell you no because it is your money, but really try to be mature about it.
I live at home in a 1.3 million dollar house, with my mother, father, little brother, cousin, and 2 yapping dogs... She wont be lonely, and I've always been the independent one in the family, just now I finally have the capability to be FINANCIALLY independant and start my own life.
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Well it's obvious that she's stubborn, then. You just can't give in before she does, because that means she wins. You REALLY have to call her out about her being mistrusting of your judgement and the fact that she obviously just doesn't WANT you to leave. You're 21 and you're an adult and it seems she really just doesn't want to accept that. Tell her to stop living in the past. I don't know your mom like you do, but maybe you could kind of suck up and tell her that you'd let her visit when she wants.
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Ok, I would take 3 steps:
1. Wait a little while. Let her settle her thoughts and think about things.
2. Talk to her seriously about this. Tell her everything you've told us. Make sure she confronts this head on and doesn't just dodge the issue.
3. If she still will not give you your insurance money, I would just lie to her. Better than suing her, both financially and perhaps on your conscience. Tell her you've changed your mind because of X and can't move for awhile. Take the money and run. If she can't be reasoned with, so be it.
Edit: From what you've said, perhaps you're already at stage 3. But I find it's usually possible to reason with even the most stubborn people if you simply refuse to not be heard and expose their lack of communication to them.
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On March 24 2010 14:24 pwnst4r wrote:
I live at home in a 1.3 million dollar house, with my mother, father, little brother, cousin, and 2 yapping dogs... She wont be lonely, and I've always been the independent one in the family, just now I finally have the capability to be FINANCIALLY independant and start my own life.
Ah, now this is a bit more clear. I don't know how "wealthy" you are, because wealth is only relative to where you're living (A 1.3 million dollar home in the suburbs of NYC will get you nothing for example). Do you think you're wealthy?
Anyways, I still think she is just reluctant to let you go. Does she like controlling people?
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On March 24 2010 14:26 Kyuukyuu wrote:
What about your dad?
I'm the only person in this house with balls big enough to second guess the queen.
On March 24 2010 14:26 3clipse wrote:
Ok, I would take 3 steps:
1. Wait a little while. Let her settle her thoughts and think about things.
2. Talk to her seriously about this. Tell her everything you've told us. Make sure she confronts this head on and doesn't just dodge the issue.
3. If she still will not give you your insurance money, I would just lie to her. Better than suing her, both financially and perhaps on your conscience. Tell her you've changed your mind because of X and can't move for awhile. Take the money and run. If she can't be reasoned with, so be it.
So far #3 is the best advice I've gotten all night. I just really want to get out and start my life you know? I'll definatly ponder doing this if she doesn't cash it in soon, I'll just wait for it to come and cut out... argg I just want to go now. I've been looking at places for the last week or so, like actually meeting with the landlord and such and I really like one, if I wait long it will be gone, I'm sure of it 
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On March 24 2010 14:29 pwnst4r wrote:Show nested quote +On March 24 2010 14:24 pwnst4r wrote:
I live at home in a 1.3 million dollar house, with my mother, father, little brother, cousin, and 2 yapping dogs... She wont be lonely, and I've always been the independent one in the family, just now I finally have the capability to be FINANCIALLY independant and start my own life. Ah, now this is a bit more clear. I don't know how "wealthy" you are, because wealth is only relative to where you're living (A 1.3 million dollar home in the suburbs of NYC will get you nothing for example). Do you think you're wealthy? Anyways, I still think she is just reluctant to let you go. Does she like controlling people?
Were pretty well off, and yes shes a total control freak.
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Strapped for cash for 2 months is probably better than arguing with parents forever. Just move out and do it yourself because it seems like you won't have that hard of a time doing so any way.
The money still stays in the family right? So technically you didn't lose anything. You can always ask for the cash later in the future.
On a side note about the RX-8. I'm planning on getting the 2010 RX-8 R3 in a couple months.
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dude LIE dont sue
say your arent going to move out with the money
then move out with the money.
pretty simple
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On March 24 2010 14:33 kOre wrote:Strapped for cash for 2 months is probably better than arguing with parents forever. Just move out and do it yourself because it seems like you won't have that hard of a time doing so any way. The money still stays in the family right? So technically you didn't lose anything. You can always ask for the cash later in the future. On a side note about the RX-8. I'm planning on getting the 2010 RX-8 R3 in a couple months.
Well just so you know, I LOVED MY FUCKING RX-8!!! Such an amazing car, handles like a champ and grips the road like no other, and on a track day, swap the wheels and turn off the traction control and it'll drift like a fully modded 350+ HP s13.
On the bad end... Terrible gas mileage and the renesis rotary engine requires premium. Here in the CA bay area I was paying about $50 a week on gas.
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On March 24 2010 14:35 TheComeback wrote:Show nested quote +On March 24 2010 14:33 kOre wrote:Strapped for cash for 2 months is probably better than arguing with parents forever. Just move out and do it yourself because it seems like you won't have that hard of a time doing so any way. The money still stays in the family right? So technically you didn't lose anything. You can always ask for the cash later in the future. On a side note about the RX-8. I'm planning on getting the 2010 RX-8 R3 in a couple months. Well just so you know, I LOVED MY FUCKING RX-8!!! Such an amazing car, handles like a champ and grips the road like no other, and on a track day, swap the wheels and turn off the traction control and it'll drift like a fully modded 350+ HP s13. On the bad end... Terrible gas mileage and the renesis rotary engine requires premium. Here in the CA bay area I was paying about $50 a week on gas.
Ouch. I paid about that when I was delivering pizzas 25 hours a week.
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I would just lie. Get really angry during one of your arguments and then say "FINE I WON'T FUCKING MOVE OUT JUST GET THE FUCKING MONEY" and storm out. Once you have the money move out.
or
just move and be strapped for cash. you'll learn how to be frugal 
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We've argued about this every day for a week now and she wont give me a good answer as to why she wont call the company to accept the offer. **What your confused? ME TOO**
She keeps telling me, I need to save more money, I'm not ready to move out on my own, my jobs not good enough... all the usual parental responces.
I am 21 years old and its my fucking right, to take my mother fucking money, and do what I please... is it not?
I've been wanting to move out for YEARS and finally I have the finances and everything organized to do it and she will not let me. I think she just doesn't want me to move out yet...
It's getting to the point where I'm thinking of taking legal action and sueing her for the money. As much as I dont want to do it, it IS mine and being so I have the right to do with it what I please and it is not right for her to hold it from me.
Everything that is in bold is childish behavior. You are not ready to move out on your own. Its not what you want to hear and I expect you to flame. However, things can and will get worse when you move out on your own.
Money is not something to argue over. Your mom is just keeping the money away from you to keep you home. She is not trying to steal the money or anything. She has the best intentions for you.
My advice. Take some time to work out the financials of living on your own. Start with an excel spreadsheet of your income and monthly expenses. I remember my friend doing something similar when he decided to not get a full time job immediately and play poker fulltime. He had to break the news to his mom and he used numbers and logic to show her that things will work out.
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
I'm actually amazed at how pretty immature and flat out wrong some of the replies in this thread are. THE WORST THING you can do is lie in this case. Yes, it will get you what you want... in the short term.
Anyways, pwnst4r is the only one here who has a clue, listen to him 100%.
My advice - Yes your mom definitely sounds like a control freak, tbh she would probably be happy if you were her "little baby boy" and she'd have to mother you forever. I can assure you this has NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING to do with the money itself. In fact, I'm telling you this, forget about the money. That's not even the issue here. She is fucking scared to let you go, she is scared to give up some of her control over you. She is scared to let you go out into the 'real world'. She won't say it in so many words, but this is the case.
Anyways. It's pretty cool you have stand-up dad in the picture. IMO -> Arrange to have a "talk" with yourself and your two parents. Sit down, and tell them... you're ready to go out on your own, you're ready to make your own mistakes, you're ready to fuck up, and you're ready to learn how to deal with stuff. Tell her she needs to learn to let go and let you be your own person and do your own thing. TBH I would expect her to cry, I would expect you probably have to yell/shout a few things. The key IMO will be your dad, because if he respects you as a man and knows where you're coming from, he should actually back YOU up.
Do it 'the right way', because your mom will have solace in thinking that she can always be your safety net if you ever need it, and you'll know she's always there just incase (instead of burning bridges).
That's plan A. Plan B is to just say fuck it and go so she knows you're serious. But seriously, try plan A. 
Edit - Oh and I do agree with itzme_petey, I think you honestly are not ready to move out on your own (take it from me you don't know completely what you're getting yourself into). But you know what? None of us were ever ready to move out on our own when we did it. No one truly ever is, but hey, that's part of it. That's life.
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I'd just go and be strapped for cash for a bit. It would send a very independent message.
edit: but yes i agree with previous post try to work it out at a family meeting.
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How does any of that insinuate that I'm not ready to move out on my own?
I was merely trying to get the point across that this money is my money, therefore wether I want to move out, buy a car, or spend it on strippers it is unjust for them to keep it from me to do as I please. When in fact I have all my finances in order, I save more than I spend, I have a good job, I'm independant, and ready to start my own life in a progressive and organized manner.
Nothing I've said instigates me not being ready to move out on my own, it instigates frustration and anger.
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dont listen to that guy who was just condescending to you without much information. Listen to ETT.
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
On March 24 2010 14:59 TheComeback wrote:
How does any of that insinuate that I'm not ready to move out on my own?
I was merely trying to get the point across that this money is my money, therefore wether I want to move out, buy a car, or spend it on strippers it is unjust for them to keep it from me to do as I please. When in fact I have all my finances in order, I save more than I spend, I have a good job, I'm independant, and ready to start my own life in a progressive and organized manner.
Nothing I've said instigates me not being ready to move out on my own, it instigates frustration and anger.
/facepalm
Oh boy. 
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Osaka27148 Posts
On March 24 2010 14:59 TheComeback wrote:
How does any of that insinuate that I'm not ready to move out on my own?
I was merely trying to get the point across that this money is my money, therefore wether I want to move out, buy a car, or spend it on strippers it is unjust for them to keep it from me to do as I please. When in fact I have all my finances in order, I save more than I spend, I have a good job, I'm independant, and ready to start my own life in a progressive and organized manner.
Nothing I've said instigates me not being ready to move out on my own, it instigates frustration and anger.
If all of this is true, then you should be able to move out without the seven thousand dollars. Maybe it will take you a month longer or so, but it looks like you are on track.
You seriously take your mother to court for seven thousand dollars? Really?
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On March 24 2010 14:56 EvilTeletubby wrote:I'm actually amazed at how pretty immature and flat out wrong some of the replies in this thread are. THE WORST THING you can do is lie in this case. Yes, it will get you what you want... in the short term. Anyways, pwnst4r is the only one here who has a clue, listen to him 100%. My advice - Yes your mom definitely sounds like a control freak, tbh she would probably be happy if you were her "little baby boy" and she'd have to mother you forever. I can assure you this has NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING to do with the money itself. In fact, I'm telling you this, forget about the money. That's not even the issue here. She is fucking scared to let you go, she is scared to give up some of her control over you. She is scared to let you go out into the 'real world'. She won't say it in so many words, but this is the case. Anyways. It's pretty cool you have stand-up dad in the picture. IMO -> Arrange to have a "talk" with yourself and your two parents. Sit down, and tell them... you're ready to go out on your own, you're ready to make your own mistakes, you're ready to fuck up, and you're ready to learn how to deal with stuff. Tell her she needs to learn to let go and let you be your own person and do your own thing. TBH I would expect her to cry, I would expect you probably have to yell/shout a few things. The key IMO will be your dad, because if he respects you as a man and knows where you're coming from, he should actually back YOU up. Do it 'the right way', because your mom will have solace in thinking that she can always be your safety net if you ever need it, and you'll know she's always there just incase (instead of burning bridges). That's plan A. Plan B is to just say fuck it and go so she knows you're serious. But seriously, try plan A. Edit - Oh and I do agree with itzme_petey, I think you honestly are not ready to move out on your own (take it from me you don't know completely what you're getting yourself into). But you know what? None of us were ever ready to move out on our own when we did it. No one truly ever is, but hey, that's part of it. That's life.
Ah, theres just something that screams well thought out post when I see 10k+ posts. Your advice was extremely well thought out and something I need to think about.I'm sure this whole situation is because she doesn't want to let me go yet, I am the oldest and shes never had to deal with this before yet. The crazy thing is when my mom was 18 she got in her VW bug and drove cross country from Pennsylvania to California, I'm only moving 25 minutes away.
As for the not being ready thing, I agree who really is? But I want to and I'm ready to try (and succeed).
On March 24 2010 15:04 Manifesto7 wrote:Show nested quote +On March 24 2010 14:59 TheComeback wrote:
How does any of that insinuate that I'm not ready to move out on my own?
I was merely trying to get the point across that this money is my money, therefore wether I want to move out, buy a car, or spend it on strippers it is unjust for them to keep it from me to do as I please. When in fact I have all my finances in order, I save more than I spend, I have a good job, I'm independant, and ready to start my own life in a progressive and organized manner.
Nothing I've said instigates me not being ready to move out on my own, it instigates frustration and anger. If all of this is true, then you should be able to move out without the seven thousand dollars. Maybe it will take you a month longer or so, but it looks like you are on track. You seriously take your mother to court for seven thousand dollars? Really?
No not at all, theres not a bone in my body that wants to take her to court, I just dont see the light at the end of the tunnel in the situation, I'm going to continue trying to talk it out with them, if not I'm going to just do it on my own and live frugal for a while.
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
On March 24 2010 15:05 TheComeback wrote:
Ah, theres just something that screams well thought out post when I see 10k+ posts. Your advice was extremely well thought out and something I need to think about.I'm sure this whole situation is because she doesn't want to let me go yet, I am the oldest and shes never had to deal with this before yet. The crazy thing is when my mom was 18 she got in her VW bug and drove cross country from Pennsylvania to California, I'm only moving 25 minutes away.
As for the not being ready thing, I agree who really is? But I want to and I'm ready to try (and succeed).
Bolded part is your answer to her motives, haha.
She's going to be a nervous wreck, you know that right? It's good though, just means she cares.
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Osaka27148 Posts
I guess I shoudl have expanded my thoughts. I agree with ETT about your mother not wanting to let go, and she sees the money as a way to keep you. In the end though, she could cash it out and burn it in the fire pit and it still wouldn't be worth going to court over. In my opinion, family members taking each other to court basically signals the end of any normal relations. Not much is worth that, especially not seven grand.
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Ya I understand that and as this thread moved on I think I started understanding more about what the underlying cause is. Ya I'm sure she'll be a nervous wreck, but I'd rather her be a nervous wreck with me somewhere else, than a totalitarian queen with me as her court jester.
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
On March 24 2010 15:10 TheComeback wrote:
Ya I understand that and as this thread moved on I think I started understanding more about what the underlying cause is. Ya I'm sure she'll be a nervous wreck, but I'd rather her be a nervous wreck with me somewhere else, than a totalitarian queen with me as her court jester.
You're still missing the point though, a little. For what it's worth (and I don't mean this insultingly, trust me), I think you're immature and do have some growing to do... which is exactly where the desire to be on your own comes from. You'll do a SHIT TON of learning/growing then, and fast.
It's all good though... we were all 21 at some point and thought we had everything figured out. Then we moved out on our own and realized we didn't know shit.
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On March 24 2010 15:09 Manifesto7 wrote:
To ETT: I guess I shoudl have expanded my thoughts. I agree with ETT about your mother not wanting to let go, and she sees the money as a way to keep you. In the end though, she could cash it out and burn it in the fire pit and it still wouldn't be worth going to court over. In my opinion, family members taking each other to court basically signals the end of any normal relations. Not much is worth that, especially not seven grand.
to Mani: Ya your right, its not a very substantial amount of money in any terms and it isn't worth going to court over. even if I did it without the cash I guess it would just make me a stronger person for not using the handicap..
Wow I fucked this quote so bad I cant even tell what you wrote and what I wrote lmao...
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
Hah. I have to play therapist/psychiatrist/mediator on a daily basis.
That's wisdom speaking though... pretty sure myself and Mani (especially Mani) are the two oldest guys here. We've walked in your shoes.
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Wow totally screwed my last post and lost the train of thought. The bottom line of it was I appreciate the advice, and I'll take it all into consideration. Thanks for your guys help. I'll keep you posted on what ends up happening.
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
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On March 24 2010 15:16 EvilTeletubby wrote:
That's wisdom speaking though... pretty sure myself and Mani (especially Mani) are the two oldest guys here.
How can you forget about FuDDx? :p
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Osaka27148 Posts
We are old enough to forget FuDDx. Ilvy too.
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
Uh... I meant oldest guys in the thread. But sure, get FuDDx in here and we'll have a geriatric fiesta! Well... until someone pops a hernia. Then of course Mani needs to take his medication every two hours, so he might need to stop. And I have to be careful, I just got back from my hip replacement surgury...
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Osaka27148 Posts
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You live in a 1.3 million dollar house and have a really good job so you want to ditch everything and move to San Francisco to an apartment, right after you totaled your car?
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Lol ... wow... really?
EDIT: Honestly how does one even manage that. -_-;;
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United States42609 Posts
On March 24 2010 15:52 BuGzlToOnl wrote:Lol ... wow... really? EDIT: Honestly how does one even manage that. -_-;;
Alcohol.
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My mom has letting go issues too. Best thing is to talk with your dad and get him to talk to her a bit. Let her know you're growing up.
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Awwww.... I'm probably a year and a half younger than you, and I can't imagine moving out! I'm still my momma's witto boy! :D
On the other hand, being at college for 8 months out of the year and then working at random internships for another 10 weeks only leaves about 6 weeks of being home per year. That ain't half bad though!
Good luck saving up, but if I were you, I'd take the free ride as long as your parents are willing to take you! It gets really lonely living away from your family and friends
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Alright ETT Since you asked me so kindly to update Here it is:
OK so, after a lot more talking and arguing with my parents about the money being mine and what not they finally agreed to letting me have it so I could move out. I told my parents that it wasn't right for them to keep me here at home when I have the opportunity and means to be on my own, like I wanted to do. So currently I am looking for a place, I havent moved out yet because I want to find a place in SF for a decent price. I looked at one place and met with the landlord. I really liked it but someone moved into it before I had the money. T_T
I just got a new job in oakland that pays 40k Salary plus commission medical/dental benefits and I love it. Its totally awesome and pays great. My parents and I are back to having a norma relationship. Theres no hard feelings and I got my mom to admit that the reason she didnt want to give me the money is because she didn't want me to move out yet. I am the oldest of 2, but my mom and I are pretty close.
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Baltimore, USA22253 Posts
On April 07 2010 11:01 TheComeback wrote:
Theres no hard feelings and I got my mom to admit that the reason she didnt want to give me the money is because she didn't want me to move out yet. I am the oldest of 2, but my mom and I are pretty close.
Sweet validation! I told you it wasn't about the monies.
Did you have to drag it out of her, or did she fess up to it on her own? I'm just curious because tbh I bet it was really hard for her to do.
But that's good that things are normalizing... Hopefully she finally got over that "My baby boy is all grown up!" curve.
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It was like in the middle of an argument and I said something along the lines of, "its not my fault that your dependant on me living at home, and I shouldn't be the one to suffer because your not ready for me to move out." Not exactly I think it sounded better last time I said it but you get the idea
EDIT: So ya I'm looking for places in SF, and I prefer not to have a roomate but my buddy matt (who I've known for close to 10 years) said he wants to move in w/ me. He has been out on his own for about 3 years and Im thinkin about gettin a spot with him. Im really upset I missed out on that other apartment though. It was so perfect, perfect price, size and location I was too slow.
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As a kid, who moved out when 17 years old, I can guarantee you, that moving in with somebody, who already has experience in living alone, really is helpful. I was lucky enough to be moving in with my older brother and honestly in retrospect, I would not want myself as a roomie at that time.
Maybe it was my age, maybe it was me being 'independent' (40min away from home), probably it was something of both, you naturally don't keep up with necessities (for a lack of a better word).
It takes time to get used to not being able to fall back on your parents as far as the usual errands go: groceries, cleaning(!), laundry, etc. A roommate (especially somebody you already know and like!) is helpful in all those things plus living alone is really boring, anyway.
Good luck in moving out, have fun experiencing independence, have fun doing all the mistakes everybody did, but don't forget to learn from them!
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EPT
