Poll: What would you do? (Vote): Keep the ex & her sister as friends while trying to move on (Vote): Keep the ex & sister but limit involvement (Vote): Dismiss the ex & her sister in the hopes of finally moving on (Vote): Other (please specify)
I have a girl problem to add to the very many out there already. This one is different however. At 24 years old I thought I had enough experience to handle this and am extremely apologetic if this comes off cliche or all too common.
For the past three years I have been in two relationships ending after 15 months and 12 months respectively. There is no basic need to tell you of the 15 month relationship other than it was a fundamental step up from the many relationships I have had before. We lived like a married couple but it ended badly through no betrayal or despicable actions instead but constant arguing and a realisation we just were not compatible. Neither of us speaks to each other which I am comfortable with. I made my peace before stumbling onto a newfound relationship which was a breath of fresh air. This is where my issue begins.
We took things slow. She was from the country and studying in the city. I was from the city and we both lived in the city. It was a beautiful relationship that was very mature and loving. Eventually she had to move back home and distance proved a struggle. Whilst I always wanted to make the effort there was reluctance on her part which led a progressive dispersion of all elements I considered magical about our relationship. We broke up not long after. We both knew it was coming, but I always hoped it would return to the early days. I was heartbroken but accepting of our situation. She cared about me, and maintains she will stay single for a long time yet.
We became friends once again and this proved hard. This also proved to be less than it once was. We still shared everything how it was before but I saw her less by her choice alone. I knew I could not make the effort for her, just as I knew only she could choose to love. My birthday rolled around and she was interstate at the time. I understood and knew this prior but she did not come to see me until one month later. She was busy and had no money. If it were me, I would have found a way.
So I was disgruntled by her lack of effort and alienated her somewhat. This hurt. I loved her and really wanted a potential future to work. If it had not of been for her persistence I would have deemed her friendship a lost cause.
Now I have her friendship and know that I will never have her love the way I want. I cannot move on. Every time I am with her I value her friendship but at the same time I judge the efforts she undertook to get us where we are and feel she should have done more before dismissing me romantically. It is very hard to explain this. To have someone to share life with to me is paramount. I want to move on. I also want her friendship. Her happiness means everything to me. For her to be happy means we should stay friends. For me to be happy means I need to absolve her memories by having her around less. Just physically seeing her brings back memories I do treasure but know will never be again. She has an identical twin sister to make this even harder. I see both of them separately yet always think of the relationship I had with one of them.
The constant memories allow me no rest and as much as I like them both in my life, my search for what I want out of life is probably greater. I want to know what you would do TL. If I abandoned two great friendships and became a ghost of the past would I be a bad person?
You need to move on. To do this, cut off all contact until you have fully moved on. It hurts, but as time goes on you get more comfortable with the fact that you didn't end up together and that you will find someone else. My ex broke up with me about 9 months ago now, and we saw each other off and on. It hurt a lot during the whole thing. She finally just cut off contact about a month ago. I've slowly started to move on and even found a girl to crush on at school, but the memories are always still there. Memories are a strange, yet funny thing.
I find lifes experiences to be quite a vast field, and having constant sexual partner(READ: Conservative Love) isn't the purpose of life. It was in 15th century maybe when life was hard, and having a mate/partner could have significantly eased your life. Now in modern times such relationships are fake and unsuitable for these times... My goal on that "emotional" level is too surround myself with exactly those kind of relationships you are so confused if you should keep.
Cheers and good luck with whatever choice you'll make. Don't forget to live while you are searching for your Cinderella.
On February 08 2010 16:36 Daemonarch wrote: I find lifes experiences to be quite a vast field, and having constant sexual partner(READ: Conservative Love) isn't the purpose of life. It was in 15th century maybe when life was hard, and having a mate/partner could have significantly eased your life. Now in modern times such relationships are fake and unsuitable for these times... My goal on that "emotional" level is too surround myself with exactly those kind of relationships you are so confused if you should keep.
Cheers and good luck with whatever choice you'll make. Don't forget to live while you are searching for your Cinderella.
thats an opinion. i wouldnt try to force it on anyone. for some people one mate, one sexual partner, one love, 'conservative love' is meaningful. personally i have found it more fulfilling than instant gratification. but i wouldnt tell someone their perspective on life/love is wrong and try to change them, then sarcastically mock (last sentence).
Moving on is the best choice I think. It has been 2 years since I broke up with my ex and it was extremely hard and frustrated for about 1 year because I still faced her every single day at school. I deleted her phone number, photos, address and even music that we used to listen together because every time I saw those songs on my computer, it reminds me of her a lot. Slowly, the feelings I had for her faded away. I didn't try to look for anyone else after that but suddenly a girl comes into my life. She is a very close friend, we have known each other for 10 years. Our relationship grows and now as I have went abroad to study, we both agreed to keep a long distance relationship even though she will have to wait for another 10 years. We talk everyday, watch movie together (on livestream lol). The internet has void the distance between us.
So if you want to get over it, get everything that reminds you of her out of your life and you will be able forget her. It's slow but it's the only way you can get things completely over. Then at the most unexpected moment, you might find the right girl for you.
You need some alone time for the things and thoughts to settle down, so that you can look at them from a calmer perspective. Explain to her what you said here, that she's awesome or whatever, but you need to be with yourself now. Nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.
EDIT: about the sister: I got the feeling that you spent some time thinking whether the sister might be the girl you want, after all, she looks good (since you fell in love with her twin sister), but you don't know her quite that well, so technically, there's a chance for it to work? Maybe the universe made the mistake, and you should go for the sister?
If that's the case, I think George Costanza might be able to help you:
On February 08 2010 17:11 Kyuukyuu wrote: Wait hang on how does the sister factor into this?
I was somewhat expecting a more drama-filled post after seeing the poll options
On February 08 2010 17:16 niteReloaded wrote:
EDIT: about the sister: I got the feeling that you spent some time thinking whether the sister might be the girl you want, after all, she looks good (since you fell in love with her twin sister), but you don't know her quite that well, so technically, there's a chance for it to work? Maybe the universe made the mistake, and you should go for the sister?
The sister is only involved because she is an identical twin. It is really not about her at all other than the fact they are both so close. Therefore when I see her feelings still resonate for my ex. We get on fine the sister and I but I have only ever had eyes for my ex and could never go for the sister because 1. there is history with the ex and I used to always see them both as friends 2. I could never hurt my ex 3. I could never risk both friendships for a long shot at romance (although here I am with a poll where the leading option is moving on at the expense of both friendships)
Twins share everything together. They practically shared most information about my relationship with the ex. i.e. The sister knew all the details of our 1st, 2nd, and 3rd date to the most intricate of details.
You need to move on. That's pretty clear. I really don't think that you should cut off involvement with a friend though, regardless of the history. You need to remember that everything changes, and it's inevitable. Your relationship is over, but you don't need to feel possessive about it. Just realize that you had a good run while you were together, and try not to let any negative feelings about the breakup sully the positive memories. Try to stay in touch with her and remain friends, but don't treat your relationship as though it could ever become romantic again. Some people say that it is too hard to maintain a friendship with a past lover, but it just takes a little fortitude. If she's someone you like, keep her around as a friend. It's nonsensical to cut off a relationship with someone because it is difficult for you in the short term.
Don't let memories hurt you, instead draw from them the resolve to rebuild a different relationship with this person. You're in control here.
I was in same kinda situation with my ex of 2 years. We broke up for similar reasons then she went to rehab for 4 months 2 months after we split. While she was in town we stayed friendsish but it was never the same and kinda painful. After coming back we tried to be friends again but my feelings were still there when hers were not. I had to block her and move on because nothing was happening then and our lives aren't going to cross pathes in the future. It sucks because she was amazing in so many ways but as it stands now its simply not meant to be. If it is then we will end up together in the unknown future somehow but you can't plan for it to happen like it; it just has to on its own.
Gl, move on now cause you are going to have to at some point.
I dont see anything about a sister there, i must be dumb but I know a guy who made the sister swap. Legendary and entirely doable. Also a good way to get back at the other sister. i totally endorse that
On February 08 2010 18:23 MiniRoman wrote: I was in same kinda situation with my ex of 2 years. We broke up for similar reasons then she went to rehab for 4 months 2 months after we split. While she was in town we stayed friendsish but it was never the same and kinda painful. After coming back we tried to be friends again but my feelings were still there when hers were not. I had to block her and move on because nothing was happening then and our lives aren't going to cross pathes in the future. It sucks because she was amazing in so many ways but as it stands now its simply not meant to be. If it is then we will end up together in the unknown future somehow but you can't plan for it to happen like it; it just has to on its own.
Gl, move on now cause you are going to have to at some point.
I dont see anything about a sister there, i must be dumb but I know a guy who made the sister swap. Legendary and entirely doable. Also a good way to get back at the other sister. i totally endorse that
You need to put some distance between yourself and her before you can even think of having a friendship. It might break her heart that you've chosen not to talk to her, but so long as you have feelings for her, you'll always be wishing for the past... and that'll always influence your interactions with her in the future.
dude, the purpose of relationships is not to last long. the only purpose is procreation and in the case of human relationships to last long enough for the offspring to not have to be watched 24/7, this means a few years at best, but less is common. there have been studies done on this and when you think about it from an evolutionary pov it makes perfect sense. so either you accept that things like that arent meant to last and make the best of it that you can, leave relationships as something that nature wants you to have but not you as a person, or you spend the rest of your life hoping to be among that one percent of people that find that person despite the odds. i wouldnt push it, and i wouldnt bother. at all. not worth the time.
On February 08 2010 17:46 thopol wrote: You need to move on. That's pretty clear. I really don't think that you should cut off involvement with a friend though, regardless of the history. You need to remember that everything changes, and it's inevitable. Your relationship is over, but you don't need to feel possessive about it. Just realize that you had a good run while you were together, and try not to let any negative feelings about the breakup sully the positive memories. Try to stay in touch with her and remain friends, but don't treat your relationship as though it could ever become romantic again. Some people say that it is too hard to maintain a friendship with a past lover, but it just takes a little fortitude. If she's someone you like, keep her around as a friend. It's nonsensical to cut off a relationship with someone because it is difficult for you in the short term.
Don't let memories hurt you, instead draw from them the resolve to rebuild a different relationship with this person. You're in control here.
This is exactly what I think about. I have a constant struggle to believe I never owned our relationship. There are things bigger than both of us, and my issue lies with the guilt I would have to walk away even for a short time from her. I want to man up and give her all the happiness I can give, even if it means allowing her to find another. At the same time I feel totally incapable to deal with that pain I will potentially receive in the future. And you are right... I am in control. I am in control of a situation she mostly put me in but there is no use complaining and I will find a way. I really appreciate all the advice and really appreciate your advice thopol. It hits home. Today I feel like maybe I should never move on. Maybe it just is not that important in the grand scheme of things. We all die alone, and twins do too. Even when they were born with company.
And here is the kicker to my guilt: She was sexually assaulted 1 year before I met her. How can I possibly abandon her? Below is the most accurate quote I know about my life. I want you all to respond more. It is very important you share your experiences and opinions if not for me then for the next guy who finds him self caught in an emotional landslide. Don't think your response is under appreciated.
"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."
On February 09 2010 18:26 The_Conclave wrote: And here is the kicker to my guilt: She was sexually assaulted 1 year before I met her. How can I possibly abandon her?
You're finding excuses to stay. Seriously, if you want to move when she's made it clear you're over, you HAVE TO cut off all contact until you are completely over her. Yeah that sucks that she was sexually assaulted, but I'm sure she has family to help her. You have no obligation to stay. I know the feeling where you just don't want want to move on or feel that you can't, but you can.
EPT
