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Throughout my whole life, growing up to present, I'm constantly told my television programs, movies, music, parents, teachers, people: Don't bottle up your feelings. If you're feeling low, talk to a friend. See someone. Don't keep everything locked up.
What sound and logical advice. But it doesn't work. Whenever I express my feelings to a parent, my siblings, or my friends, I either get ruthlessly shot down, or I get a blank stare of incomprehension, or I get ignored or belittled or trivialized.
Maybe some say 'well they're not very good friends, are they?' But what does that matter? The same people who say that are the people who are the so called 'bad friends.' Bad is such a relative term, if everyone does this how can they be bad?
So maybe you say I'm just particularly whiny. Or I complain too much. Maybe that's true. But I learned early with most people not to share feelings more than once. I only ever talk about myself to one person these days, when I'm so far down in my luck that I'm constantly hurting and it affects my ability to cope and get thru my days. I temporarily lose judgment and confess, knowing I'll be belittled, ignored, and trivialized. For some reason I feel like I have to say it.
Not for "some reason." It's because I grew up being told this stupid bullshit about not burying feelings and hiding problems. The truth is that's exactly what you're supposed to do, because no one else gives a shit. Even if you care about their feelings and try to help them, the feeling is never mutual. Be an emotionless cyborg robot wall thing. Internalize nothing and become as complex as a dog. Food. Work. Run. Hump. Sleep. Die.
What a cruel joke, the idea that anyone wants to think about your feelings.
 
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the very fact that you are blogging about it makes you a hypocrite
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No, it means he's hoping to prove himself wrong, at least in the internet's case. It's true that a lot of people don't want to listen to your anxieties because they are too busy, but its more likely that thier culture tells them not to, and they can't figure out why you keep bringing it up, as it is clearly the wrong thing to do (says culture).
Soo... That kind of sucks. When you share your feelings you are pushing that culture in a more sane direction, but you can't move it alone. Trust me, everyone has some angst of some kind but they might not show it simply because its not the norm. The norm is to lie and always appear clean, strong, and perfect.
But not all people / groups behave like this, there are lots of people who share their feelings with eachother all the time. If you bitch and moan enough on the internet, they will eventually reply to you, kind of like how I'm doing right now.
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France231 Posts
I couldn't agree more with you.
The few times i talked of my problems to the friends that I think are really good friends, they never tried to cheer me up. It seemed like i was bothering them. And I didn't feel better at all. On the contrary, i'd say i felt weak, letting my feelings instead of being the emotionless cybord you painted that I'm apparently supposed to be.
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Are you Asian? (I'm not joking). But, in any case, I find it good to share your feelings with your mom or a good friend (I don't have any siblings, and dad's just don't relate very well). However, it's important to get them to know you're 100% serious, before you start opening yourself up. I think that as long as they understand it's important to you, they'll legitimately try to help you - on the other hand, if they think you're kidding, then of course you're going to get shot down. If you're opening up to a friend, though, bear in mind that although they will be truly trying to help you at first, don't take up too much of their time with a sob story about their life, and don't be too hard to deal with (I know, it can be hard to tell when this is the case). I just think it's a bad idea to frustrate the people trying to help you - whether it be taking up too much of their time, or being uncooperative.
EDIT: Yes, believe it or not, people have empathy. But I'm still having a hard time believing this isn't a troll blog...
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On September 18 2009 00:55 Chef wrote:
Whenever I express my feelings to a parent, my siblings, or my friends, I either get ruthlessly shot down, or I get a blank stare of incomprehension, or I get ignored or belittled or trivialized.
Give some examples, maybe you're just a freak, hence the blank stares 
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I totally see what you mean... people don't really want to hear any shit about you. I used to talk with one of my friends about problems and stuff but I found out that while it helped me to get it out, it was just making my friend slightly more miserable... no one really wants that. I think the trick is to let it out non-verbally, not even to a person. Just go do something to take your mind off some of the feelings you have. Just get rid of it the best you can, and soon you won't be feeling the same way anymore.
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The thing with sharing your feelings is that you need to share with someone who has experienced similar feelings. They also need to be comfortable enough to listen.
When you try talking to someone dissimilar from yourself, of course you will get shut down or blank stared at. Personally, I can't share my true feelings with people because half the time I can't even put my emotions into words. It's very difficult to describe the feeling of depression.
Anyways, I don't see the point. There are certain levels of feelings that I can share. Beyond that, things are too personal and I feel like I'm just looking for validation.
In conclusion: Life sucks and doesn't make sense but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it!
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I'm going to be "that guy" and tell you to find better friends. I personally don't have any trouble expressing my feelings to any of my male or female friends, and most of the time they are empathetic and can level with me.
In fact the only time I see people telling me to stop whining is on the internet. The point where someone may tell you to stop whining in RL is when you're consistently unable to solve your own problems and instead try to make it everyone else's problem.
There's a certain segment in western culture of macho douchebags where expressing your feelings may be seen as a weakness, but that's really not indicative of anything.
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i have never had any experience with what u're describing, anytime i open myself up a little i get way too much sympathy and understanding.
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Find a non-masculine female friend that you're not sexually interested in, and who is not sexually interested in you.
You can also talk to people who are paid to be understanding (psychiatrists/counselors), and you can do it for free if you're in college.
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The best friend you can have is someone who you can talk to and all they will do is sympatize with you and never give you advice.
I truely believe this.
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United States24695 Posts
Don't address this problem using absolutes... it depends.
My mom's good friend was unhappy in her marriage for a few decades and then suddenly left her husband/children for another man. It was devastating to everyone. The problem was she kept her feelings pent up and let it snowball. If she had gotten help she could have either avoided the problem entirely or at least made it less devastating.
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U need to have something to make u think of something else. I listen to music and play SC. When I play SC I think about nothing else. Ofc it is not good to have bad "feelings" inside you all the time. The thing is to think over it yourself, what is the problem, what causes the problem and what can you do it fix it or make it better. Then find the scource of the problem and talk it out with them, and/or talk to someone else first.
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My advice:
Never trust television programs, movies, music, parents, teachers, or people again. Most of the time they have no idea what they're talking about, especially when it comes to your own personal emotions. Working through them yourself builds character anyway.
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Calgary25981 Posts
Feel the complete opposite. The best relationships I've had with friends, women and collegues was when we were basically honest about shit. Now, that also means you need to be appropriate and find a healthy medium - don't tell your coworkers when you feel horny and don't whine to everyone 24/7. I think that's the part you're missing.
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Surely, but I don't mean mundane issues. If someone wrongs me, or they do something I think is not right, I let them know, and I'm honest about it. I don't mean I share my inner most feelings to people I work or go to school with, which is absurd and awkward at best. I just mean people you've been friends with years and years, you have each others' company for the pleasure of them, not because you're networking or want to be on good terms with someone you're pretty much forced to interact with at other times. In these situations, I feel so disappointed that sharing something which deeply disturbs me is not received how it seems I've been told it should. I wrote this while I was upset, but it was a genuine commentary (and nothing otherwise).
Being met with the phrase "I think you're talking to the wrong guy for that kind of stuff" by my childhood friend is disappointing, but I accept. I don't try again. He's right, he's not that kind of friend.
Being met with abject criticism by my brother at the merest mention of any bad luck I might have had a particularly bad day is fine. He's an asshole, I just won't talk to him about anything, he's not worth it to bother.
But you can see when there aren't exceptions to these things, one begins to feel very alone and invalidated. Not in the sense that one is alone in feeling bad, but in the sense that it is not worth anyone's attention to know. I don't know. Most of the time it isn't upsetting, because most people you don't care to know your deepest thoughts. Maybe the route of my problem is that sometimes there is a person I want to know. Or at least I want someone to know, so it doesn't only exist inside me.
Again, all this in terms of commentary. People not caring is disappointing, not disturbing.
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Girls always wanna hear about your feelings good or bad. Sister, mom, aunt, gramma, gf, girl friend, whatever. Girls don't think logically, they think emotionally foremost. So instead of saying something like I would say "don't be such a pussy and tough it out" or "stop doing what makes you feel bad", they will try and relate help make you feel better about your problems. "aw, we should go get ice cream and have some fun" or something.
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I've found that phrasing is a pretty key aspect in getting other people to listen to you. If you just want the other person to listen and empathize with your situation, you can go ahead and say "I'm feeling pretty bad right now and I'd feel better if someone was listening to me" or "hey I'm feeling down about my situation and I don't know what to do, could you give me some advice?" Otherwise people will feel completely lost as to why you're talking about serious business.
If you just want to talk about your feelings just because you have them, it's essentially you dumping your emotions onto someone else because you don't know how to handle them - and chances are, they don't really know how to handle them either.
Sometimes this is okay to do because some shit you can't deal with alone (coping with family death, etc.), but for most things people expect you to deal with your problems on your own. A lot of times the seemingly shallow advice people give to you is actually meaningful, but it sounds empty because either 1) they're repeating the advice of other people who actually have gone through bad times, or 2) relating to you on a meaningful level would require going back and reliving their own painful memories for a while.
If it's simply human connection you're looking for, then it's hit or miss... with a lot of times being miss. People aren't so willing to share about themselves, because they're probably going through the same thing you are - having been ridiculed or ignored or invalidated for their beliefs to the point where they just don't care to do so anymore. It takes real courage, though, to speak what's on your mind and not care about whether anyone else listens or what they say in return.
And (somewhat paradoxically), this is how you find people that are doing the same thing, and if they stick with you the people that you could consider true friends.
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That's exactly the mentality I'm attacking. It's like it's incomprehensible, the idea of not being able to go to someone. So therefore it must have to do with how the person is phrasing it, or what they're talking about, or how often they seek it, or who they ask.
"True friends" or whatever cliche you can think of to justify and romanticize the ideal.
It's not unexpected that people see this blog as a plea for help, but really it's not. In no part of the writing am I actually asking anything. I'm stating what I have observed. You can give anecdotes of things you've observed that are different, but just assuming I'm an idiot who doesn't know how to talk to people is wasting your time (except for maybe the self-satisfaction some people get with giving strangers advice they don't bother to verify in themselves).
I'm sure if you ask any friend if they would help you in a time of need (and they knew it wasn't now) they'd reply "of course." It seems the decent thing to do be, it lives up to the picture one wants to see of themselves. But when it comes down to it, it's a lot more rare than TV would have you believe.
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Probably you are too complex for your surroundings. Even if you didnt get bored communicating with these people you might not be able to express own feelings on a desired level. Maybe look for another place for yourself or start writing more.
Either way this situation only compliments you, try to find more pleasure in doing simple things. And keep looking for appropriate environment if you want to level up.
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EPT
