EPTAd Responses - Page 2
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Ranix
United States666 Posts
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CharlieMurphy
United States22895 Posts
2007 Cadillac Escalade for sale - 38,000 miles. Great condition! Asking $40,000. E-mail if interested. From Mike Partlow to **************@*********.org Hey, I have a proposition for you. I will give you $50 if you let me borrow your Escalade for tomorrow night. I have been trying to get a date with this girl, but the only way I was able to get her to go on a date with me was by telling her that I am a very rich and powerful drug dealer. The problem is, I am not a drug dealer, and I actually drive a 91 Honda Accord. She will know I am lying if I pick her up in that. The only chance I have of getting with this chick is if I roll up in your ballin Escalade. If you let me borrow it, on top of giving you $50, I will put a few gallons of gas in it. I promise we will not have sex on your seats. Please help me out! Mike From James ******* to Me Absolutely not. The car is not for rent! From Mike Partlow to James ******** James, I am willing to pay you up to $60 to borrow your Escalade. If you are worried about me messing it up, you can ride with me. In fact, you can drive it. I'll tell her you are my bodyguard. That would actually work out better, I think. Do you look like a bodyguard? You'd have to wear a suit, and possibly one of those earpieces with the coiled cord running down your neck. You should occasionally touch the earpiece to your ear, like you are listening to some badass security chatter. You shouldn't talk have to talk much, just drive and look badass. Please reconsider my offer. Mike From James ******** to Me No. That is stupid. Maybe you should try asking out a woman that isn't a materialistic gold digger. From Mike Partlow to James ********* Golddigger or not, this girl's rack is phenominal. Tell you what, if you consider my offer and I end up getting laid, I will try to snap a picture of her tits with my cellphone and send it to you. Trust me, they are great. Mike From James ******** to Me Shut up. You aren't borrowing my car. From Mike Partlow to James ********* Well James, you are being a cockblocker. I hope next time you are trying to get your D wet, you get the shit cockblocked out of you. | ||
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Archaic
United States4024 Posts
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Dgtl
Canada889 Posts
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CharlieMurphy
United States22895 Posts
Wanted: ride from philly to rehoboth beach i am trying to leave any time next friday. i will pay for gas, and provide conversation.i am bringing a large duffel bag and a cat. From Mike Partlow to ***********@*********.org Hey, I have to go to court in Rehoboth next Friday, so I would be able to give you a ride. I just want to know, you're female, right? Mike From chris ******** to Me i am male. what time did you want to leave? -chris From Mike Partlow to chris ********* Chris, I'm sorry, I thought you were female because you said you owned a cat. Sorry, but I don't want to give you a ride. Two dudes in a car, going to Rehoboth, it just seems a little gay. Better luck next time. Mike From chris ******** to Me wtf how is that gay? i just want a ride! From Mike Partlow to chris ********* Well normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but first off, you own a cat, and you are a dude. That is a huge red flag right there. Any normal straight guy wouldn't own a cat, and if he did, he wouldn't care about the cat enough to take it to the beach. Second, you want to go to Rehomo Beach. I'm not judging your lifestyle or anything man, I just don't want you gaying up my car. No offense. I don't even want to know what is in your duffel bag. From chris ******** to Me stfu dude why are you being a prick! im not fucking gay i just cant get a fucking ride to the beach! my GIRLFRIEND happens to have a house in rehoboth!! From Mike Partlow to chris ********* Yeah, I'm sure he does. I think Richard Simmons is driving down there next week, try to get a ride with him. OMG this is the best one yet LOL Original ad: I am trying to get 2 tickets to the Nationals vs. Red Sox on Thursday, June 25th. I'm willing to pay up to $40. From Mike Partlow to **********@**********.org Hello, I do not have tickets to the Nationals, but I do have a video tape of my 7-year-old's little league team game last week. He plays for the Arby's Allstars, and they beat the Smith Hardware Little Leaguers. I am sure it will be way more entertaining than watching the Nationals get their ass whooped for the 49th time this season. From austin ******* to Me Fuck yourself, asshole. From Mike Partlow to austin ******* Austin, my 7-year-old son was on the computer and he read your very offensive e-mail. Now he is going around telling everyone to "fuck themselves." Me and my wife tried to raise him to be a kid who doesn't curse, but thanks to your profanity, he thinks it is okay. I demand an apology from you. From austin ******* to Me You want my apology? Go fuck yourself. From Mike Partlow to austin ******* I did have the tickets; I was just messing around with you. They were good seats - 10 rows back from third base. I was going to sell them both for $30. I would rather burn them, however, if you don't apologize. If you do apologize, the tickets will be yours. From Mike Partlow to austin ******* I'm waiting... From austin ******* to Me I'm sorry about your kid. From Mike Partlow to austin ******* Hah, what a sucker. I made you look like little bitch in front of my 7-year-old son. I don't actually have any tickets. Thanks for helping me teach my son a lesson about how not to keep your dignity. Mike | ||
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CharlieMurphy
United States22895 Posts
I NEED CASH! I am a handyman and can do all kinds of work. I do plumbing, dry wall, electric, general construction, and any other job you need done! Email or call From Dan Gibson to *************@********.org Hello, Your handyman skills are needed. I have a problem I was hoping you would be able to help me with. Last night, when I was throwing up, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet and flushed it. It is a small phone, so I am pretty sure it made its way to my septic tank in the backyard. I need to get this phone back. It has an irreplaceable picture of my friend Tim hooking up with a fat chick, and I need this picture so I can taunt him with it for the rest of his life. I will hire you to sift through my septic tank to find the phone. It is a 1250 gallon septic tank, and has not been drained in a while. On the plus side, I will let you keep anything you find that is not my phone. There is probably a ton of spare change that was accidentally flushed, and maybe some other treasures. The pay for this job could potentially be huge. Please let me know when you can help. I am free all week. Just contact me via e-mail, because my phone obviously is in a world of shit (no pun intended) Thanks, Dan From ivan ******* to Me you must be out of your fucking mind. From Dan Gibson to ivan ******* So is that a yes? Your handyman ad said that you did plumbing. Dan From ivan ******* to Me yeah but did it say that i swim through tanks of fucking shit? no. you couldnt pay me a thousand dollars to do that. From Dan Gibson to ivan ******* Well I just thought that was implied with "I do plumbing." I didn't realize it meant that you didn't take jobs that you are too scared to do. I just remembered, a while ago, my ex-wife's engagement ring was accidentally flushed when I was nailing her on the toilet. If you find it, it is yours. It is only a cubic zirconia (fooled her, ha ha!), but it is still probably worth about $50. I also just flushed some air fresheners down the toilet, to freshen up the septic tank for you. Are you going to help me now or what? From ivan ******* to Me Wow You sound like a real classy guy. you dont need a handyman what you need is a fucking septic tank expert with a death wish. fuck off. From Dan Gibson to ivan ******* Nah, I think I just need a REAL handyman, not some pussy who says he does plumbing but then backs out when he finds out that the job is too hard. It isn't even a hard job, so I don't know what your problem is. Hell, my 10-year-old son could do this. In fact, he has done this before. I'd ask him to do it again but the ex took my kids and moved to Arizona. Will you hurry up and do the job? The phone is still ringing when I call it from the house, but the battery life will not last that long. I think I can even hear it when I stand outside over my septic tank. Tell you what, while you are sifting through it, I'll flush down some soap to clean the tank a little bit. From ivan ******* to Me gee i wonder why your wife took your kids...FUCK OFF. you are a fucking retard!! ======================== Original ad: I need the help of a drywall expert to repair a large hole in our hallway wall. The hole is about three feet wide. You will need to bring all materials needed, but I will cover the cost. I can send pictures of the hole if requested. Please respond with availability and a reasonable rate. From Me to *************@*********.org Hey, I saw your ad and will be able to help you out. The best thing to do for dry wall holes is to tape over the entire hole with strips of duct tape, and then paint over the duct tape. If you have wallpaper, I could just put wallpaper over the hole. That would be even easier. After the repair, nobody should lean up on the wall or it will probably tear again. I suggest hanging a picture over the hole. I have some old framed pictures of Bon Jovi that I could bring and install over the hole. I am available all week, and my rate is $25/hr. When can I stop by? -Dan From Brittany ********* to Me Hi Dan! Thanks for the quick response. Sounds good! I will forward this e-mail to my husband and he'll get back to you ASAP. Thanks! Brit From Bryan ********* to Me Dan, My wife sent me your email, but I don't think she actually read/understood what you wrote. If you are serious, then we don't need your help. I hope that isn't how you actually repair things. Regardless, I will tell my wife to actually read the emails before sending them to me. Regards, Bryan From Me to Bryan ********** Good afternoon Brian, Your wife doesn't sound too smart. I was going to recommend Hooked on Phonics, but she seems to be capable of writing. I think she just does not have the ability to comprehend what she is reading. I have a cousin who is "slow", and there is this really good remedial school in Philly that he went to. They offer some classes that help with reading comprehension. If you want, I can look up the school and send the information to your wife. - Dan From Bryan ********* to Me Heh heh, that might be just what she needs... From Me to Bryan ********** CC: Brittany ********* Great! I'm forwarding our conversation to your wife, along with the school information. The name of the school is "Smithbridge School for Special People," and you can call them at (***)-***-2195. From Bryan ********* to Me Oh boy...please don't... From Brittany ********* to Me What a jerk you are. Excuse me for being busy and quickly browsing through your letter. Go to hell! From Me to Brittany ********* Brit, you should really consider this school. It might not seem like it, but they actually can help you. It did wonders for my cousin. He used to just stay at home with his aunt all day, but now he has a great job at McDonalds. Please, just give them a call. -Dan | ||
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Elian
United States129 Posts
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CharlieMurphy
United States22895 Posts
PARROT WANTED I am looking for a parrot for my two children. I used to have a parrot and loved her and would love to see my kids have one. Really any kind of parrot will do. I have a vet that can check it out - please email me if you have a parrot you don't want! Thanks! From Me to **************@*********.org Hi there! I have an African Grey parrot that my wife and I do not want anymore. It would be great for your kids! Let me know if you want him. Mike From Sandra ********* to Me Mike - tell me about your parrot! How old is he? Do you have any pictures of him? Why do you want to get rid of him? From Me to Sandra *********** Sandra, My parrot is 2 years old. I don't have any pictures, but he looks like a typical parrot. We are getting rid of him because my wife does not like him. My wife and I argue a lot, and the parrot seems to have picked up some of the things I have said and just shouts them at my wife when she walks by. I think the final straw was when the parrot called her a "stupid fat twat." She takes it personally, even though I tell her that she shouldn't be self-conscious just because a parrot thinks she is fat. Now I will admit that I trained it to say "nice cellulite, bitch" whenever my wife walks by, but the parrot pretty much just curses at everyone now. Whenever I walk in the door, it calls me a "cocksucking grundle licker." It kind of gets annoying when it is the first thing I hear after working all day. Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings "The Final Countdown" by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don't even like that song. The parrot also has an issue with defecating in its cage. It will wait until I let it out, and then immediately fly over to the kitchen and shit on my food. If I don't let him out, he starts yelling "I have to shit!" until I let him out. It can go on for hours. My wife pretty much told me either the parrot goes, or she will leave me. So I have no choice but to get rid of him. His name is Sam. I think he will be great for your kids, as long as they aren't fat and won't take the insults he yells at them personally. I can set up a time for you to come check him out this week if you want. What day works for you? Mike From Sandra ********* to Me Mike, I don't think that parrot would be appropriate for my kids - they are only five and seven years old. From Me to Sandra *********** Sandra, I think he would be great for your kids. I didn't mean to scare you off with the bad description of the parrot. He really is a nice parrot. There is a way to prevent him from shouting obscenities. I found that if I soak his food in drain cleaner and then give it to him, it burns up his throat and he doesn't talk for a few days. I can include a bottle of Draino and a few bags of bird food with him, if you want. Mike From Sandra ********* to Me Are you serious? That can kill him!! He sounds like he was a nice parrot but you have no idea how to take care of him! Give him to the SPCA! From Me to Sandra *********** Excuse me? I know how to take care of a parrot. It sounds like you don't know how to take care of your kids if you are always turning down free, lovable pets for them. THAT can kill their spirits. Why even put an ad up if you aren't willing to be reasonable? Sorry this parrot isn't perfect. You can't expect people to give you Toucan fucking Sam for free. I can't take him to the SPCA. They told me never to come back after I tried to give them a bunch of rats that my rat trap caught but didn't kill. If you don't take my parrot, I'm afraid my only option is to release him into my backyard, and then shoot him with my shotgun for sport. From Sandra ********* to Me You are a f*cking lunatic. From Me to Sandra *********** Sandra please take my parrot. I just checked and I don't have any more birdshot shells for my gun. Please don't make me have to drive all the way to Delaware to get more. | ||
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Jonoman92
United States9104 Posts
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ketomai
United States2789 Posts
Original ad: PLASMA HDTV - $850 I'm selling my 42" 720p Samsung Plasma TV (PN42A410). I bought it a year ago and there is nothing wrong with it. I just want to get a bigger TV with more P's. From ************@yahoo.com to Me hey will you take $700 for it From Me to ************@yahoo.com You are asking me to drop the price by $150. I am willing to do this if you let me shoot you in the groin with my paintball gun 20 times in a row. You can't wear a cup. I get to set the velocity to 450 FPS. From ************@yahoo.com to Me seriously? From Me to ************@yahoo.com Yes. 20 shots and its yours. From ************@yahoo.com to Me uhh no. hows $750 sound From Me to ************@yahoo.com Do you have a girlfriend? If you do, and she is hot (I'll need pics), and she blows me, you can have the TV for $750. You can't watch either. From ************@yahoo.com to Me fuck off dude From Me to ************@yahoo.com Tell you what, I'll sell it to you for $900 and you won't have to do any of that stuff. From ************@yahoo.com to Me wtf your ad said $850 From Me to ************@yahoo.com I added $50 for you trying to haggle me. I'll remove this $50 haggling fee if you let me break an empty vodka bottle over your head. From ************@yahoo.com to Me fuck off --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From **************@comcast.net to Me A TV like that goes for $699 brand new at Best Buy. I'll give you $400 for it? From Me to **************@comcast.net For $400, I will cut the TV in half with a sawzall and give you half of it. Which half would you like? The left half has all of the HDMI inputs, and the right half has the power/channel/input buttons. From **************@comcast.net to Me I guess I'm going to Best Buy... From Me to **************@comcast.net WAIT! Before you go to Best Buy, consider my new offer: I'll sell you the TV for my new low price of $800. Also, I was planning on leaving it on a paused frame of gay porn all weekend so it would be burned into the screen, but I won't do this if you accept my offer within the next 10 minutes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From cory ***** to Me ill give you $600 cash for your tv From Me to cory ***** Sounds good! When can you come get it? From cory ***** to Me where do you live? From Me to cory ***** **** ******* From cory ***** to Me well ya i know that but like whats your address From Me to cory ***** I'm not telling you that. Sorry, but I just don't trust people from the internet. From cory ***** to Me well do you want to deliver it to my place? From Me to cory ***** And get kidnapped? I don't think so. Here's how it is going down: We'll meet Sunday afternoon in a crowded part of town. Lets say High St, by the courthouse. I'll be walking towards Market St and you'll be walking away from it at precisely 1:00 (when the courthouse clock goes off.) Have a black suitcase ready with $600 in unmarked, non-sequential US twenty-dollar bills. I'll have a suitcase as well, and be wearing a black suit. Tell me what you plan on wearing. We will accidentally bump into each other, drop our suitcases, and pick up the other person's suitcase and continue walking. The suitcase you pick up will have a key inside it to a 1998 Ford Econoline that will be parked on Miner Street. Use the key to open the back of the van, which will have the TV inside of it. Take the TV, and leave the key in the van. You will be watched so don't try anything funny. If the suitcase does not have $600 in it, the van will be destroyed. Does this work for you? From cory ***** to Me no wtf From Me to cory ***** why not? | ||
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Ideas
United States8142 Posts
my favorite is the one for the litter of kittens | ||
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EsX_Raptor
United States2802 Posts
i feel like making some xD | ||
Spazer
Canada8032 Posts
Anonymous (2009-08-28 21:28:16) Any reason half of the comments are cut off? Is that this site's policy of censoring? john (2009-08-29 09:51:41) you can only post 255 characters because of the database field size...but I let you type as much as you want in the box because I think it is funny | ||
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Snet
United States3573 Posts
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AcrossFiveJulys
United States3612 Posts
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jodogohoo
Canada2533 Posts
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madnessman
United States1581 Posts
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alffla
Hong Kong20321 Posts
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Saracen
United States5139 Posts
Original ad: I am looking for a good, loyal dog. Can not find a suitable one at the local pet stores or shelters. Please include a picture. From Mike Anderson to Me You seem to have a very discerning eye for dogs. That’s great, because you want to find a dog that’s right for you. I have a dog that I think will serve as a wonderful companion for many years. Here’s a little about him: he loves the outdoors, and he’s always running about in my backyard chasing squirrels. He’s quick and agile, and tons of fun to be around. I assure you that he’ll be able to catch any Frisbee you throw at him. Best of all, he’s very affectionate. Now you may be wondering why I’d be willing to part with such a wonderful pet. Well, you see, one day, the neighbor’s children were playing a little too close to my yard, and Sparky, being very territorial and protective, mauled the arm of the youngest. The local authorities are now forcing me to put poor Sparky to sleep, so the only option I can see is to send away my beloved companion to the trustworthy hands of one whom I know will take good care of him. I’ve included a picture. + Show Spoiler [His Picture] + ![[image loading]](http://www.scienceclarified.com/images/uesc_02_img0107.jpg) Please, don’t let them put my best friend to sleep, Mike From Me to Mike Anderson Mike, That doesn’t look like my type of dog… I’m worried that I’d have a hard time getting him under control… Sorry. From Mike Anderson to Me I understand your concern, but let me reassure you that Sparky is the best dog I’ve ever had. For one, I never have to worry about going hungry, because he leaves plenty of fresh venison in my yard. Also, if you’re worried about safety issues, I promise that he only attacks when provoked. As long as you stay nice and still, and assuming you don’t have a horrible meaty body odor, you will be perfectly fine. Give him another chance – I promise, he’s tons of fun. And for an extra $60, I will provide a tamer’s whip and chainmail mesh for a little added protection. Please reconsider, Mike From Me to Mike Anderson Mike, Well, if you’re sure I can get him under control… However, do you happen to know if wolves taste any good? I was hoping for a slightly more common breed, as they generally don’t serve wolves where I’m from, so I hope you can understand my speculation. Anyways, I’m willing to reconsider. Name your final price, and we can proceed with the transaction. I'm still waiting for his reply... | ||
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JohnColtrane
Australia4813 Posts
the fridge one was awesome | ||
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