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Edit: Spoiler fixed. And I'm sorry there are those who feel this should've been left elsewhere. I felt the points expressed a further expansion on explaining who I am, which is part of what I am trying to do now that I've finished recounting the past.
To start and consist of most of this entry, I will reply to xM(Z, who left a comment (spoiler below) in my last entry. I responded more positively (with good reason) to Mora's own comment already. I feel it appropriate now to expansively show to xM(Z the many flaws that assumptions produce.
+ Show Spoiler +i know what i want to writte but i don't know how to make you understand me, my my point of view. i feel you but i can't reason with you; not because we don't have that capacity but because there is nothing to reason with. you care not about the knowledge that may find you but for the feeling is gives you. you extract it, you get high on it. there is nothing more powerful, more meaningful, more satisfying than to capture the essence of a moment: the feeling, the emotion. your life is one of those moments; once you understand it (and you did) nothing will satisy you. you'll cling to every feeling you can get trying to deny, to change it's meaning, it's purpose.
why do you deny it?, why do you fear it?,why do you percieve it as an end to all that you are?; and if death is the end, you love yourself that much that you can't let go?
(disclamer: if by any chance when you were 5 something traumatic has happened to you (death related) and you were left with psichic scars, disregard any of the above and seek counseling )
the purpose of life is death. the meaning of life is creation.
Where do I start in responding to this?
You begin by saying that you don't know how to explain your point of view. That becomes obvious, as instead you did a quick read and judged me, then questioned me repeatedly, never once explaining how you felt; only criticizing how I myself do.
I will answer each question all the same, but first, the judgment of me getting high on my emotions. Though it is true to an extent that I will strive to make every moment, particularly when with Jacqueline, feel significant in some way, it is not true that I live strictly for that purpose. I live to experience, but I don't live to merely feel those experiences in their raw, unlasting state. If that were the case, I would not be deadlocked in my life right now, in a stable, seven year relationship. I would be out thrill seeking and attempting to make my life as chaotic as possible, as that is where the greatest mixture of intensity and variety flourish. Instead, I have a quiet, happy, and quite satisfied (beyond the whole death thing) life right now. I like having it, try to keep it that way and improve on it. Who doesn't?
Next, you seem to believe that I'm trying to deny something. That implies that there is something there to deny at all, some meaning or purpose that you state I must see. What you fail to realize is that you are preaching a viewpoint, not offering it. You obviously find some meaning to death, and that's good and well for you. But, by talking about my personality through your own views, you are changing me into something I am not. Assuming that everyone sees the same purpose is wrong. Assuming further that those who do not follow and accept this hidden purpose are in actuality denying it is incredibly arrogant, not to mention unbearably narrow-minded. Everyone does not think, experience, or even live in the same way. What is true for you in a set scenario is not true for all, and you should keep that in mind the next time you try to play the role of the wise.
Now, the questions.
"Why do you deny it?"
Nothing there for me to deny. I believe there to be no actual purpose to living and thus no purpose to dying. My own personal meaning for life is to feel and live well, affect those around me positively. It's a nice way to live, but it still translates into no true purpose for being alive in the first place, and provides nothing lasting after death. Thus death gives life no purpose except as an ending point.
"Why do you fear it?"
Fear what? This hidden purpose that you blindly thrust upon me or death? The former I do not fear, because I do not see what you see, and the latter was well addressed in my previous entry.
"Why do you perceive it as an end to all that you are?"
What is a person when they are not living? Assume for a moment that you have no afterlife beliefs; that you simply die and thus experience nothing more after that point. You are nothing, literally. In that state, it is impossible to be and thus, is an end to all you ever were. Unless, of course, you're talking about those you leave behind, which I've another reason for, assuming I even wanted to be remembered.
I'll give you a little example. Let's take, say, a cat. Let's name this cat Mordecai. Mordecai is owned and loved by a woman. Her name is Guinevere. They live together for ten years, the cat loved, cherished, and doted on by her. And then one day, the cat dies. Guinevere is sad for awhile, but moves on. Her friends knew the cat, weren't really attached, but know it's name and know who she is talking about during random conversations. Life goes on for Guinevere. Then, one day, Guinevere dies. Guinevere's friends are sad for awhile, and their friends know her name and know who they're talking about in random conversations. Life goes on for her friends. Then, one day, all of Guinevere's old friends die.
Some of those remaining may remember Guinevere at this point, but it is likely that all will have forgotten the cat, and thus, the cat is erased forever from any possible memory of having ever existed. This eventually happens with Guinevere, and her friends, and all people touching their lives. Photos may exist of these people, a legacy or two may exist, and genetic code through family ties may still exist; But, in the space of eternity, all is eventually forgotten and lost. Only a matter of when.
"And if death is the end, you love yourself that much that you can't let go?"
First, let's eliminate the if. Addressing my point of view, there is no if, as it is a certain belief to me that there is nothing beyond this physical existence. Though this may be one of the more condescending of your questions, it also happens to be the most valid. I know it's coming, I can do nothing to change it, so I should just stop thinking about it, right? Accept it and get over it. That's the way things would work if the world were strictly logical, and everyone could enter a simple line of code into their minds to shut off whatever they wanted. Fears, longings, bad thoughts, you name it. But, beyond the limits of my self-control, there is no such fail-safe. This is something I've been asked in another form by several others before, and I never have an answer that satisfies. A terror such as this does not go away simply because I will it to. One does not stop fearing the bullet just because they see it coming.
As for your disclaimer which, I must note, humored me by your wording, nothing happened then that I recall. I am going to seek counseling someday, as I'm determined to exhaust all of the outlets before giving up, but there is nothing to speak of in the way of tragedy then.
Ah, and at the end you announce in two short sentences the purposes of life. You announce them as both death and creation. I do not view these as purposes, merely effects of life. Death happens to all living things, and it also happens to all that you create in your life. That does not, however, assign them a purpose, merely a temporary function.
That was longer than I meant for it to be. But, needed, for maybe as little as two years ago, I'd have been arguing different points in a similar fashion as him. Blindly believing that the same viewpoints apply to everyone, everywhere, and those who thought otherwise couldn't see the actual truth or were morally corrupt. It's an incredibly harmful view and causes many to judge before they get to know someone, simply because they enjoy judging.
Which brings me to my next topic. The self-righteously angry. That resounds commonly as a chord inside of people. I believe most people like to feel that way, that the majority feels that note, however faint. If you've ever watched a movie, and been angered when a bad guy got away, you fill in half of the equation. If you've ever watched a movie and cheered for the good guy going vigilante and killing the bad guy afterwards, feeling a sense of justice from that, you've experienced that self-righteousness. Enjoying the experience as a whole, feeling that rush when you see a single guy going on a rage against all those who've done wrong, you experience self-righteous anger. I'm not saying it's necessarily a bad thing in appliance to everything in general, but to continue with earlier point, it can quite harmful in some ways.
For example, let's make a society who devoutly believes that the sun is a rainbow, that humans are purple, orange, and sometimes transparent, and that rain happens because the rainbow got sad. Let us say that a great majority, something like 70% of a nation, put faith in this religion and follow it's doctrine, which includes many rules that anybody who disagrees with them is wrong and morally corrupt for it. Now, put yourself into this society. Try going into public saying that the sun is not a rainbow in your eyes, that people are never transparent to you, and that rain can be explained through science.
Some will accept the difference and move along, even while believing that you may or will be punished by whatever force operates their belief system. Some may examine your view, and move over or keep their belief according to what they find out. Then there are others who will scorn you, quote their higher source to prove you wrong, brand you as having done something akin to evil, and pass judgment on your entire character for simply holding an opposing view. And they'll probably enjoy themselves while they do, because being self-righteous means being morally superior, a vanity rarely admitted but, I strongly believe, often felt by those trying to impose their views on others.
It doesn't apply to just religion either, it can be felt by those with absolutely no pious tendencies whatsoever. It applies to all who believe their viewpoint to be the one and only true viewpoint. All others are judged below their own, even if on varying scales, and are routinely looked down on.
I guess it's just realistic that it happens to everyone though, as I believe judging is as simply a part of human nature as designating jobs to society; you need some laws or things will unravel. But still, all in all, there is a lot of judgment being passed on people without actually examining the people themselves, merely the one or two actions their beliefs disagree with. Thus do people become hated, targets of wrath or disgust, without ever really becoming known or harming anyone.
That saddens me.
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Say....what?
I have no idea what you just said and why you said it. Besides the spoiler linking to the other guys post doesn't work.
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I'm sorry, but i must agree with Jens on this one. I think this would've been best discussed via pm between the two of you, since there's most likely other factors that make up the elements of this...debate?
And anyway, I don't care about anything else...keep going with your life with Jacqueline fer cryin' out loud! 
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You begin by saying that you don't know how to explain your point of view. That becomes obvious, as instead you did a quick read and judged me, then questioned me repeatedly, never once explaining how you felt; only criticizing how I myself do.
i didn't know how to explain it so instead i questioned you through my eyes. those "why's" were not something like: "oh noes, how can you believe that?". it was nothing condescending or patronising about what i asked you. why?, because upon reading, i agreed with you for the most part; the part left questioning was your fear of death.
... as it is a certain belief to me that there is nothing beyond this physical existence.
that's also my belief. there is nothing beyond and even if some energy form of me will exist after i die it will never be me. the structural changes altered my perceptions, destroyed my senses and whatnot. (one arguing point still remains thow: if one becomes a form of energy which can retain his former consciousness (memories, life experiences, thinking patterns). for me that is a very cruel punishment. i could not feel nor experience something new so i'll be damned at cycling my mind for eternity).
i do not fear death even thow i believe that and since out believes are similar i didn't know why the behavior differs. i was aspecting some enlightenment in the form of hardcore logic not a mere dismissal on grounds of self-righteousness.
from your first blog entry
Some say that fear is a choice, and so, too, are your reactions to those fears. To those people, I say you've never genuinely experienced fear, merely sensible caution. Fear is irrational by it's very nature, and while it can be regulated to a degree and even switched off sometimes through conditioning, I do not believe such dominating control is within the range of all fears or all people.
the feeling of fear is irrational but acting on it can become a choise through reasoning. i do understand your sensations when you contemplate death but i don't understand your choise to fear it. i feel like i'm arguing with a true believer because your choise is based on faith.
Ah, and at the end you announce in two short sentences the purposes of life. You announce them as both death and creation. I do not view these as purposes, merely effects of life. Death happens to all living things, and it also happens to all that you create in your life. That does not, however, assign them a purpose, merely a temporary function.
i also read your story about Guinevere but when i said "life's meaning is creation" i wasn't referring (only) to a child. one can create a form of atrificial intelligence and in turn that AI will create something else. it's not about remembering or crediting that creation, is about a perpetuum mobile of creations apeared when the universe came into being. it's demanded by the universe's inertia and satisfies the soul. one creates art, one creates thoughts, one creates conections between people. to each it's own. (again, theres one arguing point: creating something will never satisy my ego, my vanity, it will never make me immortal, so why bother right? )
(disclamer: that is my opinion i do not want to impose it on you.  )
First, let's eliminate the if. Addressing my point of view, there is no if, as it is a certain belief to me that there is nothing beyond this physical existence.
you can never take the IF out of the ecuation when you talk about life and death or methaphysics in general because you don't know everything. your believes are based on what you know or on faith and both are equally questionable.
and corect me if i'm wrong but eliminating if doesn't make you self-righteous?.
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On July 24 2007 10:39 xM(Z wrote:i do not fear death even thow i believe that and since out believes are similar i didn't know why the behavior differs. i was aspecting some enlightenment in the form of hardcore logic not a mere dismissal on grounds of self-righteousness.
You got the "dismissal" because of how you worded your comment in my previous entry. Had you worded it not as a judgment, but as your own experiences, there would have been no need for any of this.
As for the fear, I'll get to that right below.
On July 24 2007 10:39 xM(Z wrote:
the feeling of fear is irrational but acting on it can become a choise through reasoning. i do understand your sensations when you contemplate death but i don't understand your choise to fear it. i feel like i'm arguing with a true believer because your choise is based on faith.
Fear is not a choice. How you react physically (to a point) is, that is true, but how you emotionally react is not. I do not choose to fear. I have tried to stop fearing, and all it earns me is another way to bring the subject to mind.
On July 24 2007 10:39 xM(Z wrote:
you can never take the IF out of the ecuation when you talk about life and death or methaphysics in general because you don't know everything. your believes are based on what you know or on faith and both are equally questionable.
and corect me if i'm wrong but eliminating if doesn't make you self-righteous?
While you cannot eliminate the if out of the equation while trying to discuss "facts" of the unknown with others, you can leave it out when regarding a single person in their own single viewpoint. It's called acceptance, even if not lending credence.
I was telling you to take the if out of the equation when you judged me. Not everyone. It's the simple argument that I laid out in the opening post, that everyone lives, thinks, and feels differently. Thusly, you cannot judge everyone correctly from a single point of view, because if you judge them from your own, you are not judging them based off what they've experienced or expressed is true of them.
And no, eliminating the if doesn't make me self-righteous. Self-righteousness comes from believing that one is right and the other is wrong, and that the wrong should be actively punished. While I did obviously feel you did something wrong in imposing (through the way you worded it, I realize you didn't mean it that way originally) your views, I do not believe everyone should eliminate that if; Only when judging me and others who exist in the same ways I do.
If you think I'm still being self-righteous, then I'd like you to explain to me how, rather than leaving an open-ended question.
I am sorry that I mistook your original comment, by the way, if you truly did not mean to speak in a judgmental stance.
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Jesus Christ, where is Moltke?
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first i think you should make a diference between someone questioning you (which can mean he is interested, he wants to know) and someone judging you (which can mean a dismissal of your believes based on his self-righteousness). but even if someone is judging you through his believe system i believe he is in his rights. i only have a problem when that person is condemning (sentencing) you based in his judgement.
If you think I'm still being self-righteous, then I'd like you to explain to me how, rather than leaving an open-ended question.
i believe that a right question is better than any answer so i'll leave you with another:
your state of being (or the way you feel) is based on what you know about death. from where does this certainty comes from? if not from your self-righteous believe (or feelings) that death is the end.
i do not think your are self-righteous because of the way you feel, you can't help it, but i do think you are self-righteous because you base that on the facts of death, which are at least ambiguous.
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On July 24 2007 11:47 xM(Z wrote:
first i think you should make a diference between someone questioning you (which can mean he is interested, he wants to know) and someone judging you (which can mean a dismissal of your believes based on his self-righteousness). but even if someone is judging you through his believe system i believe he is in his rights. i only have a problem when that person is condemning (sentencing) you based in his judgement.
The difference would have been there to distinguish had you merely questioned, but you questioned while assuming a purpose. That is judging, regardless of intent, because it is preplacing a belief system that is not part of my character.
As for the latter, that's a difference in beliefs between us, and doesn't need argued.
On July 24 2007 11:47 xM(Z wrote:i believe that a right question is better than any answer so i'll leave you with another:
your state of being (or the way you feel) is based on what you know about death. from where does this certainty comes from? if not from your self-righteous believe (or feelings) that death is the end.
i do not think your are self-righteous because of the way you feel, you can't help it, but i do think you are self-righteous because you base that on the facts of death, which are at least ambiguous.
You make a logical argument in that, because I can't know. I will concede that believing so strongly something one cannot be sure of is self-righteous in a manner. But, not in a harmful way, as was suggested by me in my first post. The big difference between my self-righteousness and the self-righteousness I was speaking of earlier, is that I do not impose that view onto others. I let others believe what they believe and accept it as their own beliefs without cynicism.
Essentially what I'm saying is that there are two basic definitions of self-righteousness; Self assurance of something you cannot know and self assurance of knowing the one true path. My view is of the former.
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The big difference between my self-righteousness and the self-righteousness I was speaking of earlier, is that I do not impose that view onto others. I let others believe what they believe and accept it as their own beliefs without cynicism.
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/sword of judgement on:
then you are an elitist. not only do you pride yourself with your view but you'll never take another persons view as something more than inadequate mumblings. you do not view their believes with cynicism but you view them as unworthy of you. i can only imagine the condescending discussions between you and your fiancee. and why shouldn't you patronise her?, you had those (her's) believes when you were 10 or something, you outgrew them, your intellect has evolved since then. even if Death itself would come to you and tell you that there is life after death you would see (accept) that as Death's believes and nothing more or you would call Death self-righteous because, you know, how can it be death lol. you are the center of your universe and nothing and nobody can tell you what to believe; your self assurance would not allow it.
/sword of judgement off
but you see my friend, elitism and self-righteousness are the cutting edges of the same sword: vanity. which brings us to the last question of mine - why do you love your self that much? or to another one - why do you believe you deserve that immortality you care so much for?
one could say that is not the fear of death that gets you, but the love for yourself. why the hell shouldn't you die?, why are you so special?
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...What the hell, man?
On July 24 2007 14:26 xM(Z wrote:
/sword of judgement on:
then you are an elitist. not only do you pride yourself with your view but you'll never take another persons view as something more than inadequate mumblings.
When did I ever say I was proud of my view? I hate my view, thoroughly, and have wished and tried in the past to be rid of it. You speak from the tip of your nose as if you are all-seeing and are again trying to play the wise man that you are not.
On July 24 2007 14:26 xM(Z wrote:
you do not view their believes with cynicism but you view them as unworthy of you.
Again, you go on with your assumptions, thinking that just because I have a view that I must believe all others to be unworthy when I clearly stated just a post above that there is a difference. There is a huge difference between believing something absolutely and believing that your beliefs are the only absolute.
On July 24 2007 14:26 xM(Z wrote:
i can only imagine the condescending discussions between you and your fiancee. and why shouldn't you patronise her?, you had those (her's) believes when you were 10 or something, you outgrew them, your intellect has evolved since then. even if Death itself would come to you and tell you that there is life after death you would see (accept) that as Death's believes and nothing more or you would call Death self-righteous because, you know, how can it be death lol. you are the center of your universe and nothing and nobody can tell you what to believe; your self assurance would not allow it.
Again with the assumption bullshit. I have not tried to impose my view on you, but you continuously judge my character as something it is not. If some miraculous event occured to me, if some God-like existence showed itself to me, my self-assurance would change because there would be adverse proof going against what I believe. Just because I feel the way I do now does not mean that I cannot change. You assumed that just because I feel this way that I close out all other ways; you were wrong.
And how dare you assume that I talk patronizingly with Jacqueline. It is one thing to insult me directly, but suggesting that Jacqueline would simply take such at this stage is retarded; you do not know either of us, however much you would like to believe you have me mapped out.
On July 24 2007 14:26 xM(Z wrote:
but you see my friend, elitism and self-righteousness are the cutting edges of the same sword: vanity.
Elitism is the belief that your opinions or preferences are paramount, that they are top of the line. Self-righteousness is surety in your beliefs. Combining the two together makes for one of the worst traits ever, creating the most dangerous and controlling of people. I have exhibited neither of those traits. I think many other beliefs to be above mine, as mine is but a thing of misery. I am sure in my belief that there is nothing after death, but I would be willing to accept otherwise if sufficient proof were shown.
So, you see, "my friend", you continue to be wrong in your judgmental flurries of blind aggressiveness.
On July 24 2007 14:26 xM(Z wrote:
which brings us to the last question of mine - why do you love your self that much? or to another one - why do you believe you deserve that immortality you care so much for?
one could say that is not the fear of death that gets you, but the love for yourself. why the hell shouldn't you die?, why are you so special?
From my previous entry: + Show Spoiler +
I am not a portentous person. I've not done anything astonishing as to etch myself a grade into mankinds passing history, and besides, I do not care to be commemorated. I don't want renown or a name in the back of the community mind, amongst which most wouldn't ever be able to tell you much about who I am or was. What I crave is to always feel, and I can't begin to relate what wonders it would take in a fantasy land to earn such immortality. Not even those remembered have the luxury of being knowledgeable of it, and all things remembered will eventually fade anyway. Absolutely nothing lasts forever, and such is my lust for living that I desperately crave for my own existence to, however undeserving I judge my own self to be of that.
If you had actually read the entry that you originally replied to you would already know that I said I do not deserve immortality. I do not judge myself worthy of it, I merely long for it. Yes, that is a selfish want and desire, and a self-admitted flaw. But, why the hell does anybody have selfish wants or desires then? Humans are by nature imperfect and not everything is under control.
I'm going to stop writing this one now, but I'll leave you with a desperate plea; actually read and comprehend what I say next time before you go running your mouth again.
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you can tell much about a person by seeing (reading) his reactions when put in a 'disagreeable' situation.
yes, my last post was a direct asault on you based on my assumptions.(i thought "/sword of judgement on" would be a hint) i still believe some of them. on some i was wrong, i admit it, and support the consequences (if any) but i won't apologise for them; the 'harm' is done.
from what i saw in your last post you clunged to technicalities to restate your believes, but i will read it again tomorrow (thoroughly) and give a pertinent answer and maybe explain why i did what i did.
good night
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first: what you exhibit is called phobia and can be cured or transfered to a secondary (minor) fixation through psychoanalysis if indeed your fear is subconscious. if it's conscious then the meds will do the trick by repressing your 'fears' (turning you in to a veggie).
second: i adhere (on some extent) to Freud's view regarding the fact that ones psyche works based on the energies of his libido. from that perspective, you are a masochist and i suggest you enter a s&m relationship in which you will find meaning.
now for the explanation: you have your view about your self i have mine (about you). who's to say which is wrong or right?. no one; you lack (refuse) a different perspective and i lack a live subject (one can't make a correct deduction of ones personality based on what he writtes on an internet forum because it's staged plus there's no clue about unconscious (physical) behavior) so i can only speculate.
the only reason you hold dear your view it's because it's yours not because it's the right one and that is also the reason you jumped like an "......" when i dared to question it. what do you think a psychoanalyst will do to you?. right there on the spot and in the presence of you he will bulshit the crap out of you. but you will take his explanations as being true. do you want to know why?. when you decide to go to an analyst you admit to yoursef that you have a problem (which you can not solve) and that makes you want to "get well" regardless of what he'll say to you. this new gained predisposition, the fact that you'll pay him and maybe the meds (inhibitors) will change your believes/views. but there is one think you can always count on: your vanity. a good analyst will always make you believe that you healed yourself and he was there for the ride, only asking questions because you see, the solution and the problem are both in your head you were just to 'innocent' (self-righteousness) or stubborn (elitism) to figure it out.
if you want to know why i said that the analyst will bullshit you, it's easy. not because what he'll say to you has no psychological veridicality but because it will differ from analyst to analyst. if you go to 5 analysts you'll have 5 x of different bullshit which cures the same thing.
in a twisted way you are curing your self but not by your self and vanity can not accept the later.
what i still believe from my assumptions or my judgemental flurries:
you are an elitist and a self-righteous person. those alternate depending on the situation.
Elitism is the belief that your opinions or preferences are paramount . correct, but then there is the question: why, after 15 years since you had that problem you did not seek help?.
it's because you could not accept something: your mental impotence. that is hard to accept but then why did you not try to fix yourself?: because you think there is no cure (self-righteousness).
our actions are the ones that betray us not our words. and your action was posting you.
what i was wrong about:
-your beloved Jacqueline. she is the best thing that happened to you. but i still think that you need her more than you love her.
-yes, you can change pending miracles.
as for your desperate plea: i do not try to comprehend what you say, that is obvious. i try to understand why you say it.
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On July 26 2007 03:20 xM(Z wrote:
first: what you exhibit is called phobia and can be cured or transfered to a secondary (minor) fixation through psychoanalysis if indeed your fear is subconscious. if it's conscious then the meds will do the trick by repressing your 'fears' (turning you in to a veggie).
It has been deemed a conscious problem by others than myself. I have been offered medication twice, refused it once on the advice of another, and accepted sleeping aids, which I was on for awhile.
On July 26 2007 03:20 xM(Z wrote:
second: i adhere (on some extent) to Freud's view regarding the fact that ones psyche works based on the energies of his libido. from that perspective, you are a masochist and i suggest you enter a s&m relationship in which you will find meaning.
Ignoring the fact that I find meaning and happiness in my decisively happy relationship with Jacqueline, I don't see how my fear, or phobia as you choose to label it, brands me as a masochist. That suggests that I enjoy the pain or it's side effects, which is very insulting, to put it shortly.
On July 26 2007 03:20 xM(Z wrote:
now for the explanation: you have your view about your self i have mine (about you). who's to say which is wrong or right?. no one; you lack (refuse) a different perspective and i lack a live subject (one can't make a correct deduction of ones personality based on what he writtes on an internet forum because it's staged plus there's no clue about unconscious (physical) behavior) so i can only speculate.
You know, I wouldn't half mind you, as you seem to have a fair degree of intelligence, except for the fact that you keep assuming and rewording things to sound like a complete, arrogant dick. 'Specially the part I have bolded in this quote.
I do not refuse another perspective. In case you hadn't noticed, I've told you multiple times that I have tried to change that perspective. You seem to either not believe me or skim every post I make. Either way, it is wearying.
On July 26 2007 03:20 xM(Z wrote:
the only reason you hold dear your view it's because it's yours not because it's the right one and that is also the reason you jumped like an "......" when i dared to question it.
Upon reading this, I would guess that it means you don't believe me, as you say I hold onto my view because it is my own, not because I feel it is actually right, despite me saying otherwise.
The only reason I responded so heavily to your posts is because you keep assuming things about me. Not because you have questioned my view. You are constantly questioning my character instead, which, after I have told you that I have reached out for other views, has nothing to do with my fear. It simply means that you do not believe me, and have reached your own ideas about who I am, twisting what I say to fit into the image you have judged me to be.
On July 26 2007 03:20 xM(Z wrote:. correct, but then there is the question: why, after 15 years since you had that problem you did not seek help?. it's because you could not accept something: your mental impotence. that is hard to accept but then why did you not try to fix yourself?: because you think there is no cure (self-righteousness). our actions are the ones that betray us not our words. and your action was posting you.
You assumed once again. I have tried to get help, been referred to three different people. None of them helped, though I desperately wanted them to. All of your assumptions seem to be based on this revolving around my so-called extreme vanity, my refusal of other peoples views and my refusal to get help. You somehow, from my posts, seem to think that these are facts, but they are not. I have tried, seeking professional, religious, and personal guidance, the latter two of which I have mentioned before. I am still trying, plan on seeing another professional soon, and still try to resolve it through talking with others.
I don't know what kind of game you're trying to play, but it's not accurate. I have been posting me, but posting part of my experiences do not tell an entire life story. Instead of asking or paying attention to everything I've said, you assume that you can paint of portrait of me through selective analysis and be completely right, even when I am telling you that you are wrong.
Who is the self-righteous one here, hmm?
On July 26 2007 03:20 xM(Z wrote:
what i was wrong about:
-your beloved Jacqueline. she is the best thing that happened to you. but i still think that you need her more than you love her.
-yes, you can change pending miracles.
Jacqueline is without question the best thing to happen to me, and though I do need her, I love her more than anything. More than I love myself, more than I love feeling. I would rather die than live that immortal life without her. She would be the only thing stopping me from taking that if I could have it, the only loss I do not believe I could endure.
I use that sometimes, y'know. Knowing that there is something above that fear sometimes helps quell the thoughts when they come. It works, a little, enough so that I could find refuge in sleep. But, if I think about it too long, I'm just reminded that Jacqueline is going to die as well. Doesn't always work in my favor, and "too long" is a shifting variable.
You probably don't and can't believe most of what I say, because it doesn't fit into your view of who I must be according to whatever rulebook you adhere to. So I say this: I tire of running circles with you. Feel free to second guess everything I've said again, but unless something new comes up and I'm not just being insulted by someone who thinks he knows me, I won't be responding after this.
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...except for the fact that you keep assuming and rewording things to sound like a complete, arrogant dick
i'll agree with this if you agree that you do not want to be cured; you have some acceptance issues (and no it's not death; death it's only the excuse)
I do not refuse another perspective. In case you hadn't noticed, I've told you multiple times that I have tried to change that perspective. You seem to either not believe me or skim every post I make.
as you deduced further, i did not believed you, i still don't.
I don't know what kind of game you're trying to play, but it's not accurate. I have been posting me, but posting part of my experiences do not tell an entire life story. Instead of asking or paying attention to everything I've said, you assume that you can paint of portrait of me through selective analysis and be completely right, even when I am telling you that you are wrong.
Who is the self-righteous one here, hmm?
i am but you can't blame me for assuming things you never talked about here. i speculated based on what i had and assumed the rest. there are things you said which i believe but other things i do not. why are you trying to sell me the whole package when you don't know from where, or whom your problems originated?. i did not called you a liar. i believed the depiction of you from the first blog entry; i just had a problem with it because it was based on the assumption that death is the end. so you make an assumption based on which you make your point of view, your believe. i do the same; but you are right and i'm wrong. how come?. either we're both wrong or both right. i admitted that i was wrong occasionally but you can't even question your view, not even for the sake of arguement.
based on that and on the fact that your problem is conscious i refuse to believe that you really want to be cured.
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Strong words, deep thoughts, scary.
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EPT
