Angst Angst Angst. Who would want to read something so dark?
Why did I even write this?
In a week, I'll be returning to college for my first class in almost 2 years. The thought of sharing a room with the same 30 people until December brings fear and dread to my heart. Even though I'm only taking one credit at the local community college, I feel like I am headed for another battle with certain failure. I can't handle the idea that I will blend in for the first two or three classes, and then be revealed as the hopelessly pathetic character that has formed itself from fragments of my soul like a demon doomed to a life of misery and regret. The misery and regret part? You'll be reading that now.
------------------------------------------------------------- The Boy Who Lived -------------------------------------------------------------
When I was born 24 years ago, I came out feet first with a birth defect known as strabismus. Also known as lazy eye, strabismus is a condition where the eyes fail to converge on the same point in space. The extreme double vision that would therefore be experienced in the first years of infancy causes the brain to psychologically collapse, training the person to ignore the input of one eye. The ignored eye turns noticeably outward or inward. When the ignored eye is given the person's attention, the other eye turns. Then the person looks like this:
The typical option for parents with a child with strabismus is to get corrective surgery, where the surgeon cuts the child's eye muscles and re-conects them to other points on the eyes such that the ignored eye turns less, and is therefore less noticeable. My parents forewent this option due to a family history of bad surgery experiences. In hindsight, they probably made the right choice.
Of course, the trauma experienced by my parents, when met with the realization that their child had strabismus, must have been difficult to bear. Thankfully, they noticed that I might have a hard time socially: my genetics foretold a below average height, and when combined with the eye problem, my chances of having a naturally high self-esteem were slim. So they enrolled me in the local preschool and hoped for the best.
------------------------------------------------------------- The Beginning -------------------------------------------------------------
My first memory of that day was walking down the hallway with my mom, entering the right room of the two-room school, and meeting someone who would later become my best friend. He introduced himself to me with a bit of advice: "Stay away from that girl over there, she bites people." We were fast friends.
There's something to be said about children and their lack of judgement on others. I was accepted by nearly all of the people around me, and I had a wonderful chilhood despite my face. Of course, there was the sometimes confusion others would have when they couldn't tell which direction I was looking, or whether I was even looking at them, which brought my confidence down a bit, but the going was mostly good. But there were always the pictures we had to take for the yearbook. People noticed my eyes in the pictures.
Nevertheless, my circle of friends grew and grew, and I had a decent time of it as I got older, but it is hard to forget you have a problem with your eyes when you use them every hour of your waking life. I thought about my eyes probably every day. This had the effect of slowly making me believe I was inferior to everyone else around me, but my friends never made fun of me for it, and I was carried through my high school years with a lifeboat of sorts. I had a group of people outside my family that accepted me as an equal. It's a good thing I was a nerdy smart kid. I had a shot with a girl during this time of my life, but most of the time she was wishing she was with Elijah Wood or some other actor, or the guy who played drums in the band, and she reminded me of this every day, so we never became really close even though we had three or four dates alone together.
In the end I have accepted that she has had some effect on my emotional wellbeing, and I sometimes consider the chance that I have some psychological issues because of how well she led me on.
Another girl I asked to date in high school politely turned me down, even though she was fat and her face was a 5.5 at best. I think I thought she was cute and playful or something, idk. Also she winked at me a lot.
The third girl I actually asked to date in high school (among the several crushes that had boyfriends) was chubby, sometimes sat with me and my friends at lunch and she talked about sex all the time, her face was cute (an 8 face at least) and she was really cool. We were in band together. I asked her to a movie after class, and she said yes. "Fuck yes," I thought. I get another chance to do things the right way, not giving in to fear this time, not gonna be manipulated, this time it might actually work. Well all the euphoria of my first potential sex lying but weeks or days away, and the girl to go with it, quickly vanished when that same night at the end of band practice she informed me she had to work the night of our date. She was walking away into the dismissed throng of band students so I didn't have much chance to ask her to an alternate date. Fuck. Hell. I later found out she was out with my ex and their friends the same night of our date. My ex = literally Satan.
------------------------------------------------------------- College, vol. I -------------------------------------------------------------
After high school I really had no idea what I wanted to do. Well music, but napster kind of negated that option, so I had to go with Mechanical Engineering instead. Luckily, or unluckily as the case may be, I had two friends from my high school group who ended up at the same college. One friend from the group I never really got along with; he was arrogant and never really seemed to acknowledge me. He also ended up dating that girl I mentioned earlier, so there was that, too. I roomed with the other friend.
My first year of college went well. I passed all of my classes, with the exception of Calculus II due to laziness and Battlefield 2142, and I met a lot of cool people, some of whom I developed friendships with. In the first week or so I met my "college best friend" there with his girlfriend. Both of these people have very warm places in my heart and are very dear to me, though we are not in much contact with each other these days.
------------------------------------------------------------- Finding Love -------------------------------------------------------------
Eventually I met the friends of my other high school friend (the arrogant fake one), and they were pretty cool people too, so I tolerated my high school friend to hang out with them. Things progressed relatively normally, and I decided to room with my college best friend, because to be honest I was becoming a welcome third wheel on dates he took with his girlfriend.
One day, the friends of my bad high school friend invited me and my roommate to smoke weed. I get addicted to things easily by genetics, though I was unaware of this at the time, and I soon became addicted to the stoner lifestyle. I began to think of myself as a niche type of character, someone who fits into a relatively specific framework of character traits, the dominant of which is "smokes weed." I moved in to an apartment with my "don't like so much" friend from high school who I smoked with and began spending less time with my third wheel group, which was a huge mistake. And I took on this persona thinking that it might improve my chances of getting a girlfriend.
Yeah, it's true. I was 20 and still hadn't had that experience of being in a love relationship. But hippie chicks tend to like stoner guys, right? So I thought. Well, I tried with a few girls. One of them I dated for a while. This was the second girl, who I met through a stoner friend. She was the roommate of a girl who sometimes smoked with two of them. In the beginning she didn't really return my texts, so when we finally did go out on a date it was really awkward. I took her to the park and we talked. Our next date was a couple months later. We met for dinner, but I felt like she didn't like me, so I went casual in a t-shirt and jeans, and I probably had a day of stubble to go with it. She responded by ignoring me all night and texting her friend, which was horrible, but probably deserved. She kinda came around like a month later, by showing up to a house party, after I had completely gotten over her. I had no idea she was gonna be there and it was a bad experience, because it seemed that she knew I was going and came to see me. I had to explain to her cute roommate that I would not be initiating contact, though from her roommate it sounded like she did want to talk and become more friendly again. I think I went into defense mode, thinking my emotions were being played by some girl just like that girl I dated in high school. Yeah no thanks.
The first girl (going backwards, in THE TIME MASHEEN!!) lived in my dorm, was pretty hot, and after knowing her for a few months I decided why the hell not. I caught her outside her room as I was coming back from class, and asked her to an instant coffee date. She said sure, but was it ok if her roommate comes with us? Well her roommate is like the biggest cockblock of all time, and was constantly saying things to first-girl that were like subtle jabs at me, subtle hints that she didn't like me and first-girl shouldn't either, etc. She would do this while I was hanging with them and my two old high school friends. She is the reason I hadn't asked first-girl sooner. Our coffee date sucked. We got coffee and sat down for ten minutes of talking and pure hell. The first topic mrs. cockblocker brings up is the OTHER guy they have been hanging out with, and how he's so great. It sounds like first-girl started dating him two or three days ago. Fuck. Well I sat there and tried to be polite with them for ten minutes and then I just couldn't handle it. Fuck. I had to leave. We stayed friends but it was a real shock and it was hard to take. Oh well. The one-itis fairy strikes again! (She ended up marrying the guy who asked her 2-3 days prior to my manning up, and she's fat now.) Cockblocker chick ended up being a lesbian!
One of my stoner friends got a girlfriend and we started hanging out with her and her roommate. His girlfriend was really cute and super chill, and of course given the choice I would have had her over her roommate, but honestly I started to like her roommate pretty fast. She was kinda matter-of-fact, a little awkward, short (huge plus) and a little chubby, but her face... she was really cute. She was a pretty straight-laced girl but she did smoke with us a few times. Well, when we were at this food court at college all getting dinner together, I got her alone and asked if maybe she would like to have lunch sometime or just hang out. She smiled and almost said yes, but she said she would really rather not mess up her grades, she can't spend time with me because she needs to keep her GPA high. God damnit. I smile and ask her something like is she sure she doesn't have enough time for me, I don't have to be there with her 24/7, and she just said sorry, not right now. I end up sitting with the group as usual eating dinner together, which was probably a big mistake because it made things really painful, probably for both of us.
------------------------------------------------------------- The Fall -------------------------------------------------------------
So, back to life with the stoner crew. We played a lot of guitar hero and rock band, trying to get five stars and all that. Sometimes I skipped class to smoke, other times I went to class high, and I think some of my classmates were beginning to notice, in an awkward but not necessarily bad way.
One night we got really high and this blog happened. The short version is, my stoner buddies accused me of being a closeted homosexual, and demanded that I out myself to them, for the benefit of everyone. I flat denied that I was gay and mostly reacted in shock. I took it as betrayal. Of course I had told them of the girls I dated and attempted to date, but for some reason they took my failures for homosexuality. Which is what offended and shocked me. Not that they would think I was gay but that they would think that after all the heartache I had been through trying to get girls. I had been betrayed by my friend group, my lifeboat. "Why didn't I move into that three bed apartment with my third-wheel group and their friend," I thought. Why why why.
I took it really badly and just sort of socially isolated myself. Instead of reaching out to the other friends I still had at the time, who had not betrayed my friendship by essentially ignoring my struggles with love and sex (and calling my struggles nothing), I stopped going to classes and moved into my own place. This was the real start of my crisis. "How could I ever have another friend when people can just not care like that. And why should I try?" I thought. I quit weed cold turkey, because my stoner persona had collapsed and there was just no reason to smoke anymore.
My third-wheel group had begun to take notice of my falling grades and seemed to be a bit disappointed, but our friendship was mostly the same as it had always been. Really fun and good, like friends are usually. I just stopped taking part in it, mostly. I should have latched onto them and cried and held on for my life, but I didn't. I chose to wait in a cage, waiting for some reason to ever give a shit. My failures with women and my paradigm shift of what people can really be like changed me. I sat on my computer and didn't do the laundry. I got pizza at the drive thru window at 2am from the place 8 minutes away instead of the one 2 minutes away because I didn't want the person at the window to see me anywhere else, know who I was, or have anything to do with me. I rarely bought groceries and sometimes made food, but mostly survived on fast food visits carefully spread out around the different places in town in hopes that the people at the window wouldn't recognize me.
I went home for spring break and we had to put our cat down because she wasn't eating. A couple months later my grandpa died. Thus started a downward spiral of depression that hasn't really gotten much better. I kid myself that I'm not depressed sometimes but I really need help. I did weekly free therapy sessions for a while at the college, but those didn't help. I got a prescription for depression meds, but I'm scared of the FDA and pills, so I didn't fill it. No, I'm not suicidal and will never take that option.
------------------------------------------------------------- College, vol. II -------------------------------------------------------------
That fall I said fuck it, I'm gonna try again, I'm moving back onto campus and I'll meet new people, make new friends, and get my life back going good. I changed majors to music composition, because fuck engineering. I joined the band.
Well, a year and a half of social isolation doesn't exactly help your first impressions, or your social practice in general. There was a girl who appeared to be attracted to me, we met before band started in early week in the music building. Not the one you go to for practice, but the one you go to to figure out cool stuff to do involving music. She was cute and really nice. I felt like I was starting over and the past was the past and things were going good so it felt really nice to get some positive attention like that. Maybe I still have a shot at a normal life after all. But at the same time, I was still really stuck in my anxious emotions and every time we ran into each other it was only for a few minutes at a time so I could hold it together without going into a panic attack just because I was talking to someone. Fuck me, I didn't take the opportunity when it presented itself. We hung out a lot in band because we played the same instrument, and it was good so I was like ok, let's do this. I asked her to coffee at the end of our third or fourth band practice together and she just flat out ignored me. I kept talking to her, making sure she could hear me and everything, trying to keep the invitation casual, and she actually starts talking to someone else while I continue talking to her. I was literally two feet away so there's no way she didn't hear me talking. Harsh.
Rejection mode active, I wallow through the next few days. But I stick it out and I'm feeling better and stuff. Then on a trip to an away football game, this girl sits down next to me on the bus on the ride home. "Wtf do I do?" I think to myself. "I'm actually shit, I'm super negative right now, there's no reason for me to say anything, I'll just be this bitter bastard no one would want to talk to, I am not an interesting person and even if she has a crush on me the best thing to do is not say anything because it will just make this situation worse." So I don't say anything. The band director is sitting in front of me talking to an assistant director. The girl is like trying to figure out why I'm not saying or doing anything. She doesn't say anything either. My band director notices what's going on and literally says "he really doesn't know what to do?" and something else like it a few seconds later. Girl notices I'm in a super dark mood and leaves. Fuck.
I made it three months this time, panic attacks all the time inside, but somehow holding together. Now that I have a chance to blame my band director for being an asshole, I decide to quit the band and drop out of school. You should have seen the look on his fucking face when I turned in my uniform. It was like he knew that I was leaving because of what he said on the bus about me. Of course none of them offer help, because no one actually gives a shit. They're all just pretenders.
I move into a new apartment alone, and I take up this job delivering newspapers. It was an ok job for me because after you roll the papers with your coworkers you're on your own delivering, and you never see anyone on the street or at their door waiting for the paper. So it was good for anxious, cross-eyed, short, depressed me. Turns out they pay under minimum wage, and it's horrible hours 2-6am, 365 days a year, so I left within two months, just before Christmas. Unemployed and paying rent. At this time I don't care about anything, and don't look for another job because people.
I've become a hikikomori. I'm running out of money and because I don't want to be homeless, I begin actually applying for jobs. I have three weeks to get a paycheck or my bills will be too much for me to pay. Well my mom calls at this time and says I need to move back home, at her house, because I'm a failure and I have no money left. Fuck.
When I get back home mom says my grandma gave me $5k from my grandpa's passing, and she didn't tell me because she didn't want to waste all my money on rent. Well fuck, I was up against the wall needing to feed myself, at that time when people actually grow and change so that they become not homeless and they can support themselves, and she sends me home and pays me.
------------------------------------------------------------- Back to School [AKA End of the Angst Angst Angst part] -------------------------------------------------------------
So I've been back home now for a year and a half. I've held down one job as a temp, but they didn't think I was doing a good enough job (I was working as hard as I could but I'm weak physically) so they let me go. I made some money selling ebooks on amazon, up to $500 a month on the big months, but that has slowed down so I do not intend to put more books out to attempt to triple those sales so I can begin living on my own again.
I found a job as a tutor online, the only requirement is that I must be either a graduate or enrolled in classes. So I'm going back to college in my local town. I'm getting my hair cut and cleaning myself up. If I can keep myself sane during those two hours a week I have to share with other people my age, and the work place accepts me, my life can return to normal. Please work out. Please.
------------------------------------------------------------- There Is Hope -------------------------------------------------------------
I have begun taking my life more seriously. I have begun doing things for myself like cleaning, but I still spend all day on the computer. I have begun meditating seriously. I'm getting some good ideas for fiction, but I'm no storyteller and my fake dialogue is shit. In the end, I plan on making money working this tutoring job to pull myself out of panic-attack anxiety-ridden hikikomori-mode, get some money together so I can move to a big city, make money there either online or at a real job, and practice my social skills to fix my life.
Maybe I'll even see a vision therapist to train myself to cure myself of strabismus, to rid myself of this horrible defect that I blame for so many of my problems. Maybe I'll just turn into that guy who always wears sunglasses, even inside, even outside at night. Who knows? But that's the fun part of it. Keeping the hope alive. Finding the ups on that so-called "roller coaster" people call life. Can I please just find something to feel good about?
Short, cross-eyed guy found friends, had rough times trying to get girls, found weed, smoked a lot of it, turned away from friends because they could not accept him as a failure with women, became a hikikomori and moved back in with his mom, and is now trying to move out and get laid. His plan is to make money as a tutor, a requirement for tutoring online is to be enrolled in college, which became the source of the title of this blog.
I don't think we know each other but I recognize you as someone who posts in the BW forums so it's nice to put a face/story to that name. Btw you're going to teach people to play an instrument or tutor what exactly? Maybe I just missed that. Either way, good luck. Big citties are great in that you can hide so easily, you just open the door, join the crowd and nobody pays attention. I miss Prague lol.
Well that is an eventful life you have already had, but your hanging in there so your doing well. It's good you rejected taking Anti Depressants they are the worst kind of drug to take, mainly due to how addictive they are. They make you sleepy which is something someone who is depressed shouldn't be (imo).
Keep hanging in there and keep battling away, everyone knows life is hard, especially without a job But your innovative ideas in getting money in shows you have alot of spark and brains, i suggest you put all these money making adventures onto your CV (resume in 'murican?) and im sure companies will like that.
All the time while reading this blog I was saying "Man, that sucks". I know how it is to be isolated, to be socially anxious and to have girls ignoring you. I also know how it is when your own god damn family and friends are talking about you being gay, more or less behind your back. The best part is, they didn't even believe me when I said I wasn't until college when I finally got a girlfriend. I hope it gets better for you!
On August 15 2013 21:08 Incze wrote: All the time while reading this blog I was saying "Man, that sucks". I know how it is to be isolated, to be socially anxious and to have girls ignoring you. I also know how it is when your own god damn family and friends are talking about you being gay, more or less behind your back. The best part is, they didn't even believe me when I said I wasn't until college when I finally got a girlfriend. I hope it gets better for you!
I loved reading this. It's just cool to hear about someone else's experience with all the day-to-day things like employment, and social life. It's even better that I can relate to the eye thing, in that i have also had attributes that potentially lower my value in the eyes of the dominant culture.
My friends and I drifted apart naturally. I realized that the things that kept us together were not as unwavering as i'd thought. We were friends because we went to the same primary school and we shared a lot of memories that we valued, but it's easy to attach significance, so why go by that?
I love your hopeful message and your honest minded approach to all these issues. Best of luck. Myself, I won't be fattened and lulled into a stupor by the things this culture feeds us to make us believe any one of us is less than another.
That was a good read. Thanks for opening up to us It's always interesting (to me, at least) to learn about someone's progression through life leading them to their present situations. I wouldn't worry too much (at this point in time) about the lack of love; I think you need to be financially stable first, so that your self-esteem will rise and you can actually support yourself and have some money for dates. Confidence, money, and having a steady job are all turn-ons for the ladies, so a relationship is far more likely to form once you get a job... and these things should all be motivators to do so!
What's your dream job? Is there anything you could see yourself doing as a career for 20-30 straight years and just be happy (and make enough money to live)?
Is there anything in particular you've been really wanting to do? Take a trip somewhere, go skydiving or scuba diving, etc.?
Also, a point about this:
Well my mom calls at this time and says I need to move back home, at her house, because I'm a failure and I have no money left. Fuck.
When I get back home mom says my grandma gave me $5k from my grandpa's passing, and she didn't tell me because she didn't want to waste all my money on rent. Well fuck, I was up against the wall needing to feed myself, at that time when people actually grow and change so that they become not homeless and they can support themselves, and she sends me home and pays me.
While I totally understand your mindset of things finally getting done out of necessity (hypothetically), because you have to actually do something to survive, it's clear your mom cares about you. It seems you hadn't really made that much progress on your own and was consistently losing money paying rent, so she's giving you food and shelter. But take this opportunity to show how grateful you are (not just for right now, but for your entire life) by aggressively looking for more jobs! The last person you want to let down is your mother. And the sooner you find something that works, the earlier you can leave her nest again anyway
Seeing how much your eye issue affects you, I'd certainly look into that surgery. This isn't the 80s anymore. Medicine has come a long way.
You should probably speak with a mental health specialist too man. You've got loads of anxiety and self esteem issues. They can help.
also, while I can see why you were upset at the time, it is certainly possible that your friends wanted you to be happy with yourself and legitimately thought you were gay and were trying to say were cool with you. I dont know context and all, but something to think about. Do you actually wanna date people, find yourself attracted to girls etc, or is it because you feel pressure to sleep with girls and date? You know what asexuality is?
On August 15 2013 16:50 blazzerg wrote: Keep it going buddy! You can do it!
Thanks guy.
On August 15 2013 17:46 Stratos wrote: I don't think we know each other but I recognize you as someone who posts in the BW forums so it's nice to put a face/story to that name. Btw you're going to teach people to play an instrument or tutor what exactly? Maybe I just missed that. Either way, good luck. Big citties are great in that you can hide so easily, you just open the door, join the crowd and nobody pays attention. I miss Prague lol.
Thanks for posting, I recognize you from the BW forums too. Especially the signature, but also the username because of that.
I'm going to start with tutoring all math subjects through Calculus, and later I might add english and some basic physics to that. Whatever fills the hours. I suppose once I move out and potentially tutor people in the new area there would be a bigger market for music tutoring, so I could teach high schoolers to play trumpet. Maybe one day I'll finish a Math degree instead of Engineering, because they're pretty related, and end up becoming a math teacher at a high school. I can use tutoring to see if that would be decent/amazing for me.
You may be able to hide in big cities, but I plan to make the most of it if I ever make it there. There's a lot of opportunity to hustle money in big cities, and even if I can't hustle I will definitely feel better about having a job where there are actually people.
On August 15 2013 17:54 Pandemona wrote: Well that is an eventful life you have already had, but your hanging in there so your doing well. It's good you rejected taking Anti Depressants they are the worst kind of drug to take, mainly due to how addictive they are. They make you sleepy which is something someone who is depressed shouldn't be (imo).
Keep hanging in there and keep battling away, everyone knows life is hard, especially without a job But your innovative ideas in getting money in shows you have alot of spark and brains, i suggest you put all these money making adventures onto your CV (resume in 'murican?) and im sure companies will like that.
Well if anti-depressants make you sleepy, I'd probably have died taking them. My sleeping hasn't been the best recently. But I have to wake up early for this college class, so that's another plus. Are you serious about companies liking to read about pipe dreams or was that sarcasm? lol
On August 15 2013 21:08 Incze wrote: All the time while reading this blog I was saying "Man, that sucks". I know how it is to be isolated, to be socially anxious and to have girls ignoring you. I also know how it is when your own god damn family and friends are talking about you being gay, more or less behind your back. The best part is, they didn't even believe me when I said I wasn't until college when I finally got a girlfriend. I hope it gets better for you!
Yep. My family has been doing the same shit I think. I'm going to just get a girlfriend eventually and let them figure it out. I had suspicions at first, but now it's like, one of them will bring up the topic of one of their gay friends and how he's doing X, and then they shut up for 15-20 seconds, like hinting to me that it's ok if I'm gay and giving me a good time to come out to them. I just smile and don't say anything because silence is the best thing for me to do in that situation, other than tell them I'm not gay, which they won't believe because I told them that for the first 20+ years of my life. I've seen others get looks from girls, have girls come up to them and start talking, etc. I see this in movies and I see it happening to other people. Maybe they think I'm oblivious? I think they assume that kind of thing is definitely happening to me. But I certainly don't ever have that experience. Okay, maybe once every 2-3 years. But I'm pretty bad with women.
Edit: Oddly enough, I have some good memories of girls thinking I was cute and loving me and all that stuff that normal people are "supposed" to experience, but that all happened in like preschool to 2nd grade, lol.
On August 15 2013 21:08 Incze wrote: All the time while reading this blog I was saying "Man, that sucks". I know how it is to be isolated, to be socially anxious and to have girls ignoring you. I also know how it is when your own god damn family and friends are talking about you being gay, more or less behind your back. The best part is, they didn't even believe me when I said I wasn't until college when I finally got a girlfriend. I hope it gets better for you!
wtf?! wow
Wtf Confirmed.
On August 15 2013 21:54 Burrfoot wrote: So when you watch a porn which eye is looking at the penis only?!
Hm, well sometimes the "eye I am focusing on" that I use for day-to-day life, this eye looks at it because I want to know how big of a slut she is. See, the magnitude of her sluttiness is directly proportional to how big the thing fucking her is. But I mostly focus on breasts ass and face. I suppose my other eye could be looking at it but there's no way to know.
On August 15 2013 22:15 Japhybaby wrote: I loved reading this. It's just cool to hear about someone else's experience with all the day-to-day things like employment, and social life. It's even better that I can relate to the eye thing, in that i have also had attributes that potentially lower my value in the eyes of the dominant culture.
My friends and I drifted apart naturally. I realized that the things that kept us together were not as unwavering as i'd thought. We were friends because we went to the same primary school and we shared a lot of memories that we valued, but it's easy to attach significance, so why go by that?
I love your hopeful message and your honest minded approach to all these issues. Best of luck. Myself, I won't be fattened and lulled into a stupor by the things this culture feeds us to make us believe any one of us is less than another.
Stay strong
It's good to hear from you. I know my pain isn't the worst like I didn't get my ass beat up every day as a kid, but it still hurts that I'm becoming "that guy."
Drifting apart naturally is cool, though. That's what's supposed to happen. Thanks for making your own path; keep walking it. Stay away from sugar if you can.
On August 15 2013 23:34 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: That was a good read. Thanks for opening up to us It's always interesting (to me, at least) to learn about someone's progression through life leading them to their present situations. I wouldn't worry too much (at this point in time) about the lack of love; I think you need to be financially stable first, so that your self-esteem will rise and you can actually support yourself and have some money for dates. Confidence, money, and having a steady job are all turn-ons for the ladies, so a relationship is far more likely to form once you get a job... and these things should all be motivators to do so!
What's your dream job? Is there anything you could see yourself doing as a career for 20-30 straight years and just be happy (and make enough money to live)?
Is there anything in particular you've been really wanting to do? Take a trip somewhere, go skydiving or scuba diving, etc.?
Well my mom calls at this time and says I need to move back home, at her house, because I'm a failure and I have no money left. Fuck.
When I get back home mom says my grandma gave me $5k from my grandpa's passing, and she didn't tell me because she didn't want to waste all my money on rent. Well fuck, I was up against the wall needing to feed myself, at that time when people actually grow and change so that they become not homeless and they can support themselves, and she sends me home and pays me.
While I totally understand your mindset of things finally getting done out of necessity (hypothetically), because you have to actually do something to survive, it's clear your mom cares about you. It seems you hadn't really made that much progress on your own and was consistently losing money paying rent, so she's giving you food and shelter. But take this opportunity to show how grateful you are (not just for right now, but for your entire life) by aggressively looking for more jobs! The last person you want to let down is your mother. And the sooner you find something that works, the earlier you can leave her nest again anyway
Best of luck!
You're welcome. I actually finished this blog in notepad, saving, editing, and re-editing it, and when it was done I thought, "Do I really want to post this on TL? I won't really be able to go back on doing it, I won't be able to fake being some cool dude on skype calls to lift peoples' spirits," etc and I had all these reasons not to. I think adding the angst angst angst warning and tags to the title helped mitigate those risks for the people who don't necessarily want to read something really dark and depressing. And I'm not some cool social dude, either. I'm me, and my life is mostly depressing, and I don't have to be that cool dude on skype, not that I've been talking to anyone on skype. I'm not a fake. So I posted it. I mostly am hopeful about the going back to school part, but I felt I needed to add some context about how I'm feeling right now, and that sort of grew into WHY I'm feeling this way, and then I just decided to write it all. It has benefitted me I think.
Tbh I'm very worried about the lack of love. I think I'm at the point where I biologically need to have sex to feel decent so I'm trying to move forward looking at money first. Of course showing that I'm desperate won't help but it's how I feel. I think I'm afraid of meeting someone in this rural area, fucking her and then having to live here for a longer period of time, or taking her with me.
My dream job is music and/or writing fiction. Music most of all. In another life, in the times when people could pay rent, food, and all the bills on 20 hour a week minimum wage jobs (yes those times existed...) I would have been happy working part time and doing music on the side until I got good enough to make a living doing what I loved. Sadly that isn't much of an option right now, so I'm trying to get creative with where my money is coming from. I don't want to be chained to a desk or a cash register, but I do want to pay the bills. Of course I would work full time, just not here, for the reason above.
In particular, I want to travel. If I can't find love then I want a harem until I do. But aside from seeing things like the Egyptian Pyramids, Rome, and Japan (In addition to Tokyo and beautiful countryside pagodas, I'd stop by Hiroshima/Nagasaki and meditate at the bomb site), aside from traveling and love and all that, I'm pretty interested in being completely self-sustaining. That is, grow my own food, use water gathered from my own land, make tea from leaves in the garden, stuff like that. Maybe I will do the tea thing. I have had some ideas about infinitely sustaining steam-solar power generators, and some of these ideas I would like to try out to see if they actually work.
It's true, my mom loves me, and I love her for that, but it's been too easy. It's so easy to just fall back down on the computer / couch when your past attempts at "real life" have failed. When I leave the nest I think we'll start having actual conversations. Not that we don't talk, she is just kinda hard to talk to. But yeah, I'll try to focus more on her for a while. She's really attached to family. But I'm sure the best thing I can do is leave.
On August 16 2013 02:55 QuanticHawk wrote: Seeing how much your eye issue affects you, I'd certainly look into that surgery. This isn't the 80s anymore. Medicine has come a long way.
You should probably speak with a mental health specialist too man. You've got loads of anxiety and self esteem issues. They can help.
also, while I can see why you were upset at the time, it is certainly possible that your friends wanted you to be happy with yourself and legitimately thought you were gay and were trying to say were cool with you. I dont know context and all, but something to think about. Do you actually wanna date people, find yourself attracted to girls etc, or is it because you feel pressure to sleep with girls and date? You know what asexuality is?
good on you for getting back in school though!!
good luck
I left that part out. I got the surgery in junior year of high school. It was mostly a success, though I can't look out of the corners of my eyes anymore. My eye simply won't turn far enough. I'm not sure if that was always the case but I suspect I could do so before the surgery. Not a huge deal though.
When I use my left, my right no longer turns as much, but that eye is a bit blurry. When I use my right, my left turns, but my right eye is clear. I have found tricks to hide the issue but I still must focus a lot on my eyes, especially when making eye contact, in my attempts to hide it. Of course no one's perfect and I make mistakes, and people still notice. They just take longer to notice the same thing they used to notice within a few minutes. And they have the same reactions. Mostly negative, but some people are cool and are not going to hell. Not that I believe in hell, but they have definitely found peace here in their life, and they don't listen to the bullshit manufactured by their minds.
Mental health people haven't helped me in the past. I do think cognitive behavioral therapy would have positive benefit, but really it's all about me. I'm going with meditation until I have money for cbt, then I may try it.
It's certainly possible my friends wanted me to be happy, but after my denying it and literally having a mental meltdown after that night, and my roommate seeing+hearing that as we shared an apt, the next day was a birthday party of one of the friends that wanted me to come out. I was playing beer pong with some people and trying to forget about it. Then some guy who I knew to be my stoner friend's friend from his home town, he notices my eye and says something like, "are you looking at me? Where are you looking bro?" I sort of don't respond because I think he's poking fun at me. Seeing my negative reaction, he comes up to me and says "hey, sorry, I didn't mean to offend you etc etc I'm X." Then he moves beside me and puts his arm around my shoulder and turns his head at me and starts going "I really like you." At this point I'm like what the fuck dude get out of my face please. So I'm pretty sure he was gay, he looked metro at least, so he probably was. (because gay guys I think still are attracted to how someone looks mostly, like we are with hot girls, so they try to look as good as possible, which makes sense.) I assume he was sent to give me a gay option, because they obviously didn't believe me when I denied being gay the night before.
I move to the other room where people are playing a card game with beer. Trying to get back into a positive mood because I have just been reminded of last night. Things are doing good, I'm laughing with people and stuff, and then people nearby who aren't playing start talking and glancing at me. Wtf, I think. So I start paying attention to what they are saying and I hear something like "Really? He's not talking to girls just because he can't get laid? But he acts like he was this big hotshot in high school who had a girlfriend" and etc, I'm sure I heard it. I wait to hear more and then I confirm they are talking about me, and I have recently been made aware that people talk about my non-existent sexlife behind my back, so it's likely that people would continue talking about that. I stand up and say something to the guy who was talking about me, and he just turns and says "Ah don't worry man it's ok." But at this point I blew up. I was like fuck this, I'm not hanging out with you fucks anymore. (I said something like "fuck, I can't stay here.") So I grabbed my coat and went to the door. By this time everyone's looking at me. "I said thanks for inviting me to the party, I had a great time" which was obviously a lie, and I turned to a girl I talked to briefly earlier and I said "and it was nice meeting all of you." Then I left and socially isolated myself. So, y'know, people fucked up. And they didn't try to get back in touch with me after that so I stopped caring much about them.
I'm attracted to girls. The problem is confidence, eye contact and intimacy. Have you ever made eye contact with someone and everything's going good for the first few minutes, and they notice something's off about your eyes, and they freak out, and maybe they keep talking to you, but they all leave soon after to ask someone else about how fucked up you are. No?
I don't think I'm asexual, I just don't believe I can do it. I don't want to marry some fat chick who doesn't care about herself and probably wouldn't take good care of our kids. Hot girls are hot but fit girls also tend to have their shit together. So I don't want to settle for someone who's really lazy either.
On August 16 2013 04:42 hp.Shell wrote: I'm going to start with tutoring all math subjects through Calculus, and later I might add english and some basic physics to that. Whatever fills the hours. I suppose once I move out and potentially tutor people in the new area there would be a bigger market for music tutoring, so I could teach high schoolers to play trumpet. Maybe one day I'll finish a Math degree instead of Engineering, because they're pretty related, and end up becoming a math teacher at a high school. I can use tutoring to see if that would be decent/amazing for me.
Tutoring and teaching math is my forte, so shoot me a PM if you ever have any questions Also, being a tutor is pretty different than being a teacher, although there's a good chance that if you don't love tutoring math, you'll hate teaching it.
Thanks friend, for sure. For now I'm reviewing calculus. I think I will be able to "wing" most of my pre-calculus maths knowledge, but I'm going to at least look through the subjects and see what people learn in Algebra, Geometry, Trig, etc. and what I'm forgetting that people don't also use in calculus.
I like to help people so I think it might be fun. And I won't have to interact with people face-to-face just yet, so there's that. I have no excuse for not doing it!
On August 16 2013 04:54 hp.Shell wrote: Thanks friend, for sure. For now I'm reviewing calculus. I think I will be able to "wing" most of my pre-calculus maths knowledge, but I'm going to at least look through the subjects and see what people learn in Algebra, Geometry, Trig, etc. and what I'm forgetting that people don't also use in calculus.
I like to help people so I think it might be fun. And I won't have to interact with people face-to-face just yet, so there's that. I have no excuse for not doing it!
Tutoring is a fantastic way to network, make money, and keep your skills sharp for bigger careers later in life If you're in school for a STEM major, it'll look pretty good on your resume too.
What state do you live in? If it's NJ, I might be able to help you out.
I left that part out. I got the surgery in junior year of high school. It was mostly a success, though I can't look out of the corners of my eyes anymore. My eye simply won't turn far enough. I'm not sure if that was always the case but I suspect I could do so before the surgery. Not a huge deal though.
When I use my left, my right no longer turns as much, but that eye is a bit blurry. When I use my right, my left turns, but my right eye is clear. I have found tricks to hide the issue but I still must focus a lot on my eyes, especially when making eye contact, in my attempts to hide it. Of course no one's perfect and I make mistakes, and people still notice. They just take longer to notice the same thing they used to notice within a few minutes. And they have the same reactions. Mostly negative, but some people are cool and are not going to hell. Not that I believe in hell, but they have definitely found peace here in their life, and they don't listen to the bullshit manufactured by their minds.
Mental health people haven't helped me in the past. I do think cognitive behavioral therapy would have positive benefit, but really it's all about me. I'm going with meditation until I have money for cbt, then I may try it.
It's certainly possible my friends wanted me to be happy, but after my denying it and literally having a mental meltdown after that night, and my roommate seeing+hearing that as we shared an apt, the next day was a birthday party of one of the friends that wanted me to come out. I was playing beer pong with some people and trying to forget about it. Then some guy who I knew to be my stoner friend's friend from his home town, he notices my eye and says something like, "are you looking at me? Where are you looking bro?" I sort of don't respond because I think he's poking fun at me. Seeing my negative reaction, he comes up to me and says "hey, sorry, I didn't mean to offend you etc etc I'm X." Then he moves beside me and puts his arm around my shoulder and turns his head at me and starts going "I really like you." At this point I'm like what the fuck dude get out of my face please. So I'm pretty sure he was gay, he looked metro at least, so he probably was. (because gay guys I think still are attracted to how someone looks mostly, like we are with hot girls, so they try to look as good as possible, which makes sense.) I assume he was sent to give me a gay option, because they obviously didn't believe me when I denied being gay the night before.
I move to the other room where people are playing a card game with beer. Trying to get back into a positive mood because I have just been reminded of last night. Things are doing good, I'm laughing with people and stuff, and then people nearby who aren't playing start talking and glancing at me. Wtf, I think. So I start paying attention to what they are saying and I hear something like "Really? He's not talking to girls just because he can't get laid? But he acts like he was this big hotshot in high school who had a girlfriend" and etc, I'm sure I heard it. I wait to hear more and then I confirm they are talking about me, and I have recently been made aware that people talk about my non-existent sexlife behind my back, so it's likely that people would continue talking about that. I stand up and say something to the guy who was talking about me, and he just turns and says "Ah don't worry man it's ok." But at this point I blew up. I was like fuck this, I'm not hanging out with you fucks anymore. (I said something like "fuck, I can't stay here.") So I grabbed my coat and went to the door. By this time everyone's looking at me. "I said thanks for inviting me to the party, I had a great time" which was obviously a lie, and I turned to a girl I talked to briefly earlier and I said "and it was nice meeting all of you." Then I left and socially isolated myself. So, y'know, people fucked up. And they didn't try to get back in touch with me after that so I stopped caring much about them.
I'm attracted to girls. The problem is confidence, eye contact and intimacy. Have you ever made eye contact with someone and everything's going good for the first few minutes, and they notice something's off about your eyes, and they freak out, and maybe they keep talking to you, but they all leave soon after to ask someone else about how fucked up you are. No?
I don't think I'm asexual, I just don't believe I can do it. I don't want to marry some fat chick who doesn't care about herself and probably wouldn't take good care of our kids. Hot girls are hot but fit girls also tend to have their shit together. So I don't want to settle for someone who's really lazy either.
Thanks for your post.
Yeah cbt would probably do you good. Maybe even just talking to a therapist. Pills and what not, I can understand the hesitance in doing them, but if you do go to a dr and they recommend them, it is worth a shot. Remember, you can always try them for a bit, tell your doc they're bad for whatever reason, and you try other stuff or tweak the dosage or whatever. I would def look into your options when you have the financial means.
The gay dude hitting on you may or may not have been sent by your friends--youll find a lot more openly gay dudes at college than you would in hs and they gotta find out who is gay somehow hahah--but fuck that eye thing just sucks . and yeah it kinda does sound like initially maybe they did have good intentions, but telling strangers and stuff, that is just brutal and rude no matter what the hell they were trying to do. I am sorry you had to go through that. You did the right thing in ditching people like that.
As far as your eye thing, I think people care a lot less than you think. I know a couple people, guys and girls, who had that problem when they were younger and now are like you, where if you were to look you can see they have somewhat limited motion. Self confidence goes a long way. I know it is hard for you now, but if you don't give a fuck about it, they don't give a fuck. Shit, I have a bit of an eyelid droop that used to bother me a lot more when i was younger. Now I just make fun of myself when I notice it in photos or when I am drunk and just blurt out HOLD ON I GOTTA STRETCH MY STUPID FUCKING EYES and take my hands and open them wide lol. Confidence does take time to build up!! I know it is way different than your situation, but everyone does have their own insecurities. You just can't let them eat you up, and you are doing that! While people suck, I don't doubt for a second that people can sense from a mile away that you're freaking out over that, and that most of the negative stuff you think people are saying or thinking is in your head. It's a nasty little cycle, and me mentioning it probably won't help much, but a therapist could help break it down much better than I ever could!
Getting some new hobbies and doing things will help boost your confidence, give your more interests and that helps you in the long run of being more attractive. You mentioned being self sustaining, growing your own food and stuff, and I assume that means cooking and stuff too. What's preventing you from doing that now?? Especially that you are home? Do you hit the gym, play sports, generally keep in shape and try to make yourself look good these days? I understand why you'd want someone who is in shape, has their shit together and is confident. But to get that, you've gotta be that yourself!
I have a friend in college who's got a similar eye problem I think. I didn't notice it like the first year I knew him until I was talking to him in a real face to face situation with eye contact. I never mentioned it, but it was interesting to see his eye wobbling around all over the place. I don't think it's a huge issue though, it never really bothered me that his eye wandered.
On August 15 2013 17:54 Pandemona wrote: It's good you rejected taking Anti Depressants they are the worst kind of drug to take, mainly due to how addictive they are. They make you sleepy which is something someone who is depressed shouldn't be (imo).
Yeah it's great he rejected a medical prescription from a trained professional, you clearly know better. Sleepiness is a side effect for some people on some types and you can change until you find a drug with minimal sideaffects. I'm all for expressing opinions but the line really has to be drawn when they're ignorant and health related.
On August 15 2013 17:54 Pandemona wrote: It's good you rejected taking Anti Depressants they are the worst kind of drug to take, mainly due to how addictive they are. They make you sleepy which is something someone who is depressed shouldn't be (imo).
Yeah it's great he rejected a medical prescription from a trained professional, you clearly know better. Sleepiness is a side effect for some people on some types and you can change until you find a drug with minimal sideaffects. I'm all for expressing opinions but the line really has to be drawn when they're ignorant and health related.
You do know that there are many psychiatrists and psychologist that advocate specifically against taking medicine because they have such low success rates right? The trained professionals don't always advocate what the pharmaceutical companies do, what Pandemona said is not ignorant. Some people need them, but in many cases, they are too open for most people, people with moderate to severe depression may need medication, and sometimes people with traumatic past experiences, but in most cases, regular depressions are not chronic, nor do they necessarily need medicine. So no, Pandemona is not ignorant here.
On August 16 2013 07:09 jrkirby wrote: I have a friend in college who's got a similar eye problem I think. I didn't notice it like the first year I knew him until I was talking to him in a real face to face situation with eye contact. I never mentioned it, but it was interesting to see his eye wobbling around all over the place. I don't think it's a huge issue though, it never really bothered me that his eye wandered.
Right, but if you're with a girl and you don't ever make eye contact, that's a huge problem. And they usually notice if you do. But what do I know.
On August 16 2013 04:54 hp.Shell wrote: Thanks friend, for sure. For now I'm reviewing calculus. I think I will be able to "wing" most of my pre-calculus maths knowledge, but I'm going to at least look through the subjects and see what people learn in Algebra, Geometry, Trig, etc. and what I'm forgetting that people don't also use in calculus.
I like to help people so I think it might be fun. And I won't have to interact with people face-to-face just yet, so there's that. I have no excuse for not doing it!
Tutoring is a fantastic way to network, make money, and keep your skills sharp for bigger careers later in life If you're in school for a STEM major, it'll look pretty good on your resume too.
What state do you live in? If it's NJ, I might be able to help you out.
I'm in Arkansas.
Little update for everyone: I was too much of a pussy to go to the first day of class. My next opportunity is tomorrow. I plan to get there early and talk to the teacher before class. I was all prepared to do everything today, went to bed early got up early, planned on a haircut and then go to campus to talk to the teacher about why I missed yesterday, but I haven't done anything all day and I generally feel like a shithead. Maybe I will just cut my hair myself.
Yo just go for it. Panic attacks can be a bitch but you have to keep reminding yourself that all the fears you feel are completely irrational and generally nobody cares about whatever you're doing wherever you are or the way you look. And if anyone does give a fuck about any of that, there's still no reason for you to give a fuck about them.
No reason for you to skip class either. You can only gain from the experience. The first step is always the hardest but once you make it, it'll soon become a routine and you can keep pushing yourself forward. You're on a mission, keep your mind on your goal and consider anything that stands in the way an obstacle. If the people in the class or your professor make you feel uncomfortable, it's just an obstacle you've got to face.
If that helps you, think of it as an RPG game and award yourself some XPs for overcoming obstacles like getting a haircut or talking to your teacher and write it down to keep track of your progress. It may sound silly but whatever makes you chuckle inside can be a nice boost + it helps you take yourself less seriously (making whatever anyone else might be thinking about you seem much less important).
EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/vOEEgUe.jpg)
But your innovative ideas in getting money in shows you have alot of spark and brains, i suggest you put all these money making adventures onto your CV (resume in 'murican?) and im sure companies will like that. 
