EPTI stopped writing it because this topic meant a bit more to me than I could just throw out there, so I’ve spent the last bit refining it, and making sure all the pieces fit together. And hopefully it does.
In the last 8 months, I’ve come to a lot of conclusions. About myself, about my life, about the future, and the world. I want to share them with you in the hope that maybe some of you might find it useful. There have been too many depressing blogs on here.
This is not an excuse for depression. If you even think you’re bad. Tell someone! Family, friends, therapist. DO IT. You won’t regret it.
Be happy.
Sounds really simple, but a lot of us don’t really get it. It’s really just that simple. Be happy.
I have a lot of issues, as some of you probably do as well.
I’m recovering (recovered) from a break-up.
I’m dealing with lots of social anxiety about not having as many friends as I want to, or not having the close friends I want to have, and even just not being able to interact with people in the way I feel like I am able to do.
I also deal with a lot of negativity in my life. My parents aren’t the best role models to say the least, even though they care a lot about me, as they should. I’m constantly suppressing the voice in the back of my mind telling me I won’t be anything worthwhile, or the one that says that I can’t do “it”.
Also have to fight the parts of myself telling me I’m ugly, or telling me I’m actually stupid.
And I’ve developed this egotistic, narcissistic personality where I think I’m better than people. But worse yet, I can rationalize a lot of it too, even though I have no evidence.
It could be a very ugly world, but it’s not so bad I guess.
Life will have its ups and downs.
If you take away nothing from this, take away this. You will get a lot of shit. But that’s just how life is.
As Karl Pilkington on The Ricky Gervais Show would put it, you gotta have the bad parts to make you appreciate the good.
Life is going to screw you over, again and again. You’re going to hit a low, and just when it all seems like you can’t get any lower, you’ll bounce back and all will be well. And then a couple months down the line, you’ll have a great laugh at how stupid you were. And another couple months later, you’ll hit a new low, and it’ll feel so much worse than before.
And what do you think will happen then? It might take longer, it might feel so much worse, but you will get better. It will get better.
Life is not only about winning. There are cycles of winning and losing. Natural, like weather. Don’t get caught up in the highs and forget the lows, but don’t think that there will never be a high during a low. For you Game of Thrones fans, Winter is Coming. And for you Batman fans, the night is darkest just before the dawn.
So never give up.
All you have to do is not give up.
Giving up is never an option. Never. Life will come at you hard and you may be tempted, but realize everything you experience is life. It’s not the best feeling, but it’s life.
Everything is an experience. Learn from it.
When people say there’s no such thing as a bad question we really mean, as long as you’re doing something, you’re growing. When you ask a question, you’re breaking out of the norm. You’re taking a risk. You’re questioning your own ideas. You’re wondering, dreaming, learning. You gain the experience of asking, and the experience of hearing someone answer a possibly useless question.
Why don’t we apply this to everything?
There is no such thing as a good or bad experience. Everything is good.
It may be shitty at the time. You misplaced some money, you fucked up with some friends. But it’s only bad if you don’t learn from the experience. As cliché as it sounds, what doesn’t kill you does make you stronger, but only if you learn from it.
Everything you learn is amazing. Maybe next time you’ll realize it’s been an abusive relationship and drop out earlier. Or maybe after losing some friends, you will find some new friends that are way better than the ones you lost. Or maybe you realize you have been an idiot, and work to fix up that shitty part of yourself.
You are living life. You are experiencing so many things. It is up to you to take those experiences and grow from them, and once you do, you get so much more fulfillment out of life, and can stomp out negativity.
Pain is good.
Pain is amazing for your life.
When you go through life, you are going to experience a lot of things. And whether you like it or not, you will experience pain. But it’s nothing to fret about.
What pain does is expose weak parts in your character. You only experience the pain because your character hasn’t learned to toughen up, or fix those shitty parts of your life.
It’s like how when you work out, your body aches and aches because it’s not used to this kind of intensity. Your character isn’t tough enough to deal with it. But do it enough, it learns for itself.
When you offend someone and feel bad about it, it is because you didn’t do the right thing at that moment. You said something stupid. And the only reason you said something stupid was that your character was bad. And now you feel pain.
You are in pain because you haven’t learned how to actually deal with these situations. Say they screwed up and you attacked them for it and now you two are angry at each other. You can clearly see what part needs working on. When you are placed in bad situations, you could have made the best out of it, but you didn’t and now you’re here. Don’t feel shitty about it. Learn, really learn from your mistakes.
When you get dumped and start being depressed because you miss your ex, you have to realize it is part of life. Everyone will have relationships, and many of them will end. Maybe they completely screwed with your feelings, knowingly or not. And now you’re in pain because you haven’t cultivated this ability to deal with these situations. To learn to derive your happiness from yourself, and not from others.
When you have lots of shitty things happen, you will instinctively and reflexively develop anti-shit measures. A good example is not touching a stove when you’ve already burnt your hand.
Shitty things teach you so much more about yourself than good things. If you fail and you actually understand the cause of your failure, you can learn from that for next time. And the harder you fail, the more vividly that memory will stick out in your head.
Of course, you can’t just fail again and again and again forever, because then you’re really not learning anything, but you have to be able to appreciate your shortcomings. Don’t be complacent with screwing up. Don’t have this attitude where you don’t care as long as you’re learning.
But also don’t kick yourself into the ground for years just to start figuring out what you’ve done wrong.
Things are within your control. Choose to do your best to control them.
With failure in mind, develop this attitude that every single thing is within your control. A simple step up from acceptance.
Whatever you do in life is a result of your own decisions. Nothing is out of your control.
When things go wrong, it is always your fault, somewhere down the line. Don’t feed me some bullshit about meteorites falling from the sky on your car, of course you have no choice in dealing with that. But you are the one in control with what comes next there.
When you have a spat with your friends, then somewhere it’s your fault. You didn’t accommodate the needs of your friend. Maybe he’s overly aggressive. Then it’s your fault for not knowing that or understanding how to deal with that.
Your ex left you? It’s your fault for screwing up the relationship. Maybe you hung around because you lost interest and were too scared to leave until she got tired. Yup, your fault. Or you could have not left early enough.
Take accountability for your actions, and good things will follow.
Why?
Because you can finally accept who you are. You won’t get stuck in negative thought loops where you blame the environment for your failures. When you blame the environment, you put yourself in a state where you are not in control of your life. You’re just happily waiting along until someone comes help you.
“Oh, if that magic person comes along, I can finally get started doing X, and my life will start to get back on track.”
No.
You are in charge of your life, and if you want to get better, you need to be the one who takes control. Don’t let your brain and your negativity guide your decisions. If you want to get better, get out there and start doing shit to make yourself better.
- Eat better foods so you don’t feel so sluggish.
- Exercise more so you have more energy, and so you feel better about yourself.
- Dress well to gain confidence.
- Join clubs, volunteer, and meet new people.
- Read more to open your mind and think about new things.
- Try new things to expand your horizons.
- Watch stand-up comedy and open yourself up. Find funny videos and laugh.
- Hundreds of other things
None of these things are instant fixes. I don't believe in instant fixes. But what they do is promote good thinking. As long as you’re doing things, lots of things, you aren’t putting yourself in situations where you just sit there and be sad. You are actively fighting towards a better state of mind, where you are happy with yourself, and can rely on yourself. Sure, they’re not all going to work, but each one is helpful.
You have a choice. Do the right thing at any given moment.
Part of controlling your life is taking control of every decision that you make. When you commit yourself to a project, you are really committing yourself to a project. Don’t half-ass it. That way, you can’t make excuses about your actions.
It makes you think about what you’re doing, and what you’re doing wrong. When you fail (you can’t expect to get it right the first time around), then you can think back and see exactly where you chose to the do wrong thing, chose to insult rather than lay off, chose to get angry instead of be calm.
And when you see those weaknesses in yourself, can work on getting better.
Reframe. Look for the silver lining.
I highly recommend the movie, Silver Lining Playbook. Even if you don’t enjoy standard love stories, focus on the positive attitude he gives everything. Don’t let the world drag you down.
When presented with difficult situations, look at the positive. Take in the lessons that need to be learned from your experiences, but focus on the better side of things.
When someone gives you a shitty present, thank them for even getting you a present. Thank them for even thinking about you.
Take, and focus on all the small victories you can get. Every small victory is still a victory.
While I don’t recommend this, if you’ve broken up with your ex, take even being able to talk to her as a good sign. If she screams at you over the phone, it’s a good sign. She still cared enough about you to get mad. It is probably a hopeless chase, but this is where you actually look on the bright side of things.
If someone throws up on you, choose to reframe the moment. It’s not vomit, it’s just dry cereal. Laugh it off, get it changed, and move on. Your reality is exactly how you make of it.
When something happens to you, you have the choice to put it in a positive or negative light. Of course some things will just fly at you and knock you off your feet. A best friend’s death perhaps. And you can’t do it immediately. But once you start doing it, and doing it humbly, you can realize the value of constant positivity.
Everyone tries their best. No one is trying to screw you. No grudges.
Part of reframing every action is to always reframe the world’s actions towards you.
Take everything something says to you at face value. Yes, there will be jerks that just punch you in the face and you’ll see those coming. But choose to take their words sincerely.
When someone compliments you, take the compliment and thank them graciously. Don’t hesitate and tell them you don’t deserve it. Take it, and thank them.
When someone says something negative about you, just assume that they’re joking. Always assume that they’re kidding (unless they’re screaming of course). But don’t get mad. Don’t lose your cool.
Be the change you want to see in yourself.
Everyone tries their best when they do something. Don’t assume that. Take it as a fact of life. If they screwed up, they tried their hardest even though they screwed up. You accept that they screwed up (don’t tolerate it), but move on. Don't belittle them. Don't hurt them. Be firm, but forgiving. Sure you may be taken advantage of, but for every one that tries to do that, there will be many others, leagues better than that one.
Most of all, you put yourself in a state where you don’t judge anyone or anything. Angry people are simply angry people. Why would you say something that only generates negativity?
If everything negative is a joke, and everything positive is … well, simply positive, what could bring you down?
Lower your standards.
No, I don’t mean sleep with everyone like the homeless down the street.
I mean stop being so self-righteous about everything. Yes, you can set some sort of arbitrary standard for yourself, but if you’re down, why would you put up this high ass goal for yourself when you could be so much happier with less.
Why would you continue to breed hatred about Justin Bieber or whatever the latest pop sensation everyone likes to bash on. Why can’t you just be happy? Why do you need to bash on stupid things like that? Wouldn’t you agree that if you just simply liked all music, it would remove that little bit of negativity from your life?
Try that for more things, and see how nicer your outlook is. No negative thoughts to weigh you down.
I’m not telling you to not have standards. Yes, you should definitely set some standards. Maybe, don’t listen to badly recorded music with lots of static. But realize how much nicer it would be if you could be in a place where none of it mattered. No negativity, just enjoyment of the music. Just the enjoyment of the activity without consequence, without fear of judgment.
Apply it to other parts of your life, maybe your work.
Why set up so many artificially high goals for yourself that you become crushed by the burden of trying to achieve it? Become a millionaire? Holy shit that’s kinda crazy to think about.
How about, finish a painting by next week. Write a new chapter for your book. Study for your GMAT this weekend. Apply to volunteer at a hospital.
Break down your gigantic goals into realistic checkpoints on your path.
Even better, kick down your goals and actually make them into things you want, and things that are within your limit. Not checkpoints, just goals now. Why I love programming? Everything is within my limits, just learn, read, ask questions, and get at it. As long as I continue to program and challenge myself with it, I can grow.
The point of breaking things into checkpoints is so that you feel good every time you achieve it. And when you feel good about one checkpoint, you’ll feel good enough to keep going for the next one, and the next one, and eventually you’ll finish everything and it’ll feel like nothing.
Set a ridiculously stupid goal and now you will never feel that satisfaction of finishing. You’ll always be burdened down by the weight of not being completely done and achieving your goal. And why would you want that?
Just lower your standards, lower your goals, and you can see it working itself out if you keep at it.
Love the journey, not the results. No one is above the process.
Lowering your goals drives you closer home to appreciating the journey, and not the results of it.
Nothing good in life comes easy. Happiness doesn’t come easy. Success doesn’t come easy. If good things came easily, then they wouldn’t be good anymore. Everyone would have them, or they’d lose the meaning that made them good in the first place.
Life is going to tough. There will be times you want to quit. But you have to fight for it.
Your entire being doesn’t want you to change. Your emotions, your thoughts are there to be there. They don’t want to be thrown against the wall and crushed. You don’t really want to re-think every part of your life or have your brain fucked with. It’s so much easier to find every excuse in the book, and rationalize that this is just who I am, even though deep inside, you may want to change. You might have this grand image of what you want to become, but your body will resist it completely. You have to go for it for yourself.
You are viewing the world in your own reality. And your own reality right now is flawed. You are seeing the world through who you are now, and you do not want to be who you are now for the rest of your life.
You have to step out of your comfort zone, as scary as it seems. Even if it doesn’t seem like you (and really, what new thing does?), try it out. Ignore every excuse you’re going to make and just go for it.
If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting.
If you’re ever in pain, if you’re ever feeling down about life, you’ve been doing something wrong. It’s a simple fact. If you were doing everything right, then you would never have felt like this. Instead, you’ve been stuck in your autopilot patterns and are getting nowhere. Realize this, and embrace it.
Have you ever dreamed of having a great body? You want to start working out, but can’t find the motivation?
Do you really think one day, you’ll just decide to like going to the gym? Nope. Here’s a secret, no one ever thinks, “Gee, I would really love to work out. Today. And tomorrow. And every day for the rest of my life.” Working out is simply just really good for you. There are literally no negatives about it.
Pain? It’s good for you. Tired? You’ll have more energy next time, and even after you stop.
Just do it.
Successful people, in any way you define success, will tell you the same thing. It doesn’t matter whether you want to or not, just do it, get the experience of doing it, and love doing it. Success comes from mastering the fundamentals, and that comes from doing it through thick or thin.
If you want to be a great writer, do you believe that all writers simply just have a stroke of inspiration one day, write a beautiful book and become famous?
No way.
They will wake up one day with absolutely nothing, no inspiration, no want, no drive, and they will sit and write. They will force themselves to go through it.
Why?
Because they understand things in life don’t just come to them. Yes, inspiration is going to come in the shower sometimes, or when you go to sleep. Don’t ignore those. But don’t think you can get away with all the hard work that comes between that. The hard work that they’ve done to get to the point. Even the hard work that they’ve done before ending the day.
Great people understand that you have to give yourself in fully. You have to commit yourself to the cause, thick or thin, before it comes back to reward you. Think of the idea that it takes 10,000 hours to master something. Do you think it is all just 10,000 hours of pure inspiration? Pure drive?
No.
Do you think when successful people are at work and they feel tired, they just say, “Fuck it, I’m not working.”
No.
It is a 10,000 hours of struggling. Of perseverance, hard work and dedication. And going through the tough shit.
Why do I tell you to lower your goals? Because it makes you live, and think about the experience.
The experience of learning something new. Of blowing your mind. Of adapting to each individual situation and learning from it. That is where you can derive so much pleasure from. Even small victories are a victory, right?
Most importantly, you need to find out what’s your passion. What you really want in life.
When you put in these goals, and work hard at it, and achieve all the things you wanted, you’re going to see that it’s not as fun as actually doing the things that led you up there.
The result is simply a result. It doesn’t mean much.
But the experience is everything.
It holds all of your knowledge. Everything that you’ve learned getting up there. All the shit you’ve been through to weed out bad habits, bad behaviors, and refine yourself into the thing you want.
And it is the part you get to experience. The part where you get to apply all of these things. It is the time where you can actually think about each move, each piece of the puzzle, and use all that knowledge you’ve been building up.
There are millions of little nuances that goes on when you’re going through the experience. When you’re studying something and your brain comprehends, understands, and then re-focuses again based on what you’re getting in.
In the same way as when you read a book, sometimes you’ll catch references to other things in your life that you wouldn’t have if you hadn’t expanded your mind in that direction.
If you’re a soccer player, at the top of your game, there are thousands of little things you start beginning to see that you wouldn’t have before. And thousands of little things you can react to because you’ve learned them. Maybe you realize that if the defender steps in that particular way, he’s not going to be able to react in time if you go this direction. Winning the game is satisfying, but you live for the little battles, the little journeys you experience on the way to that.
And the result is nothing compared to that.
The experiences make you, and they are all beautiful.
The biggest point I want to emphasize is simply: be happy.
Being happy means everything above, and so much more.
It means drawing state from within yourself. Your happiness is dependent on yourself, and what you think of yourself.
When you are unhappy, you pull in happiness from the world. You become happy from the number of likes on your Facebook posts. You become happy when someone compliments you.
Keyword here is become.
Rather than simply being a happy person and having these extra compliments bring more value into your life, you’ve become obsessed with the idea of being satisfied by the world around you. This is bad.
If we enumerate low happiness as 1 and lots of happiness as 10, then if you’re at a 2, you may feel these spikes of happiness that bring you to a 8 or 9, but inevitably you end up back at 2. And at a 2, your emotion state is dependent on the world around you.
For the happy people, an 8 perhaps will be brought down to 2 momentarily, but bounce right back up to 8. And a little bit more and he hits a 10, even if a bit momentarily.
The key is drawing energy from within yourself.
My favourite quote is, “I am alive.”
And I am grateful for being alive. Being alive means I can experience everything. It means I can share my experiences with others. I can influence people. I can try to achieve my dreams. I can push myself to do whatever I want. I am alive.
And my happy place inside is simply, “I am alive.” It is the only thing I need to tell myself to make me smile. And believe me, I’m the best person I’ve met at faking emotions.
Happy people draw their happiness from within, and what results is this outward spread of happiness. They may be burdened by their work, or brought down a notch from being tired, but they are just truly happy. Truly optimistic. You probably have met a few of them in life. (Get out of here narcissists).
What results is a freedom from outcome. You help people because you are genuinely a good person. You compliment people because they look nice and you want them to feel nice. You do well because you just want to do well. The outcome is secondary, because it is you that matters. You spread joy because you enjoy spreading joy. They may be happier or sadder after meeting you, but you have tried your best and it’s okay.
There is nothing stopping you from being happy, but yourself.
Maintain a positive attitude about life, and it will start to grow on you. If you raise your hands in the air for 2 minutes a day, it simulates that sort of alpha-like dominant behavior, and gets some weird combination of chemicals in your body going that make you more confident. If you slouch, it leads to another type of chemicals that make you less confident. Do this daily enough, and you’ll start to see the change in yourself.
Fake confidence until you are actually confident. It works, if you’re trying hard enough and doing it the right way. How you do things the right way, and actually be a “good person” is not something that matters here.
Internalize good behaviors. Holding the door open for strangers, no matter the circumstance. Giving chairs to the elderly or even some people who look like they would appreciate it. Do a random act of kindness a day. Keep a journal and start writing about 3 good things that happened today. The cashier smiled at you. Someone held open the door for you. Your friend complimented your shoes. Write about 1 thing you’re thankful for that day. Meditate 15 minutes and think about them.
You simply want it to become secondhand.
Thinking positively should be your default state.
All you have to do is be positive. Turn yourself into a genuinely positive person, a beacon of positivity, and meet people, and they will be drawn to your magnetic personality.
Happiness is something within all of our control. All we have to do is go for it.
.But maybe i will be happy again .but ye not gonna be easy 
