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I guess I'll start off with an introduction, as this is also my first blog entry. I'm an 18 year old guy who loves Starcraft and attends a very good college. Pretty simple.
So I've never been especially good with girls. I make friends with them very easily, but rarely ever moved past that. Halfway into junior year of high school, however, that changed. I got my first girlfriend, with whom I had a wonderful remainder of high school. We were close, extremely so, and looked into common colleges as a possibility. This was especially difficult given our very different interests (me in government, her in Engineering). In the end we didn't both get into any schools which would be acceptable for both of us, but agreed to try and stay together in a long-distance relationship (LDR).
Neither of us ever thought that maintaining an LDR would be easy. But we were both confident that we could do it. She never really liked talking on the phone, but we talked weekly on facebook and skype. In retrospect, this was definitely not enough, but with the radical changes to lifestyle which occur in a transition to college, I was caught up in doing many other things, and placed her at a lower priority than I should have. That said, I was (in my opinion) an excellent boyfriend all throughout high school, and after the first couple months of college, realized my mistake, and put forth a conscious effort to interact with her more.
We talked more often, and even saw each other a few times when she came home to see her family (I happen to go to school in my home town). And then, out of the blue, in one of our conversations, she confesses that she has been having "feelings" for another guy, She didn't think it was significant, and was probably only an attachment which was growing in my absence. She felt extremely guilty and asked me if I wanted her to cut off all contact with this guy, who was her best friend at school. I said no. I trusted her completely. She was (and is) the sweetest, most faithful person I could have ever asked for, and my trust in her was only boosted when she confessed this to me. She assured me that she would get over this and it wouldn't detract from our relationship. Satisfied, I agreed to move on.
Through all this time, my feelings for her only increased even more, as I rebounded from my initial doubt of LDRs and slight withdrawal from our relationship. Last week, I decided to go visit her, and took a 5 hour bus ride to spend a weekend with her. I thought everything went well. Things were different between us, but not bad. We spent a bunch of time with the friend who she claimed to have feelings for, and I was very gracious and inclusive of him, but was truly disconcerted by how close they were. I left and returned to school, and we kept talking.
Yesterday, around a week after I had visited her, she started our conversation by apologetically breaking up with my. I was/am shocked. Crushed. She claimed that her feelings for this other guy had only grown over time. Also, her feelings for me had declined with time and distance. She still claims to care for me and that nothing serious has happened between her and this guy. We talked for the next hour and a half or so with me urging her to reconsider and arguing that ours was not a short term high school fling which could be thrown away so easily. It was (and is) my opinion that in long term relationships, when issues arise, people should first try to resolve them before immediately, unexpectedly breaking them off. She claimed to see my point that this was reasonable, but needed time to think it over. We agreed to talk the next day (today).
The conversation was short. She said that her feelings for me had declined too much to want to keep a relationship, especially when she was conflicted with feelings for someone else as well. She apologized once more, said she had to go, and ended the call.
I am left feeling utterly confused. Lost. Hurt. Unjustly treated. I didn't see this coming. Moreover, she wasn't even willing to give things a chance to get better, to experience a winter break together to remind her of the amazing times we have had. What's worse, she broke up with me over facebook, right before Thanksgiving break when I was scheduled to see her, and celebrate her birthday (the day after) for which I had already begun preparations. We never had any big arguments. There were never any issues brought up to my attention of things that she was unhappy with. Being broken up with is always hard, of course, but in this case especially I feel so helpless and lost and am turning to TL, the community I love and admire, for its thoughts and help. Thank you all for reading.
TLDR: None. Thanks to those who read the whole thing, if you don't want to (understandably, that's quite a wall of text) then don't bother responding.
  
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I could bust out a few of the old adages that people usually say when their friends get dumped, but there's probably nothing that will comfort you know. I know how it feels. Call some friends, your family, get together with people you love. They'll most probably understand. The pain will get less severe with time.
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Yep. That's what relationships are like. I know I felt this way, too. Hell, sometimes I still do. I hooked up with a girl that's been secretly in love with me all throughout high school, I've been in love with her too, but things never worked out... And when, in college, they suddenly did, I felt the relationship was special - as did she.
We had an awesome time together, moved in together and there was no problem whatsoever, after some time we even started discussing future and family.
Well it turned out we weren't special. If things don't work out, they just don't. That's all there is to it. You weren't meant to be together, so you split up. You can always argue that "If we only didn't LDR, maybe we'd..." Well that's true. On the other hand, if you were meant to be, this wouldn't matter, you'd work through it.
So my advice - get over the thought that your relationship was special. It clearly wasn't. Or maybe I'm wrong and you guys will get back together. But trying anything now is only going to make you look pathetic and weak, so don't try to be all romantic (stalker) and ignore her. Take some alone time, wait patiently and eventually get back in the game and maybe find the special one. Good luck.
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Wait what? She even said she would cut off contact with the guy and you said, "awww naaawwww it's fine." What did you think was going to happen lol? When you found out that shiot about her new lil bf, you should have either ended the relationship then or agreed for her to cut off contact...
Why would you ever agree, "oh hey, yeah go see that other dude everything is cool"
yeaaah....
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On November 21 2011 08:14 avilo wrote:
Wait what? She even said she would cut off contact with the guy and you said, "awww naaawwww it's fine." What did you think was going to happen lol? When you found out that shiot about her new lil bf, you should have either ended the relationship then or agreed for her to cut off contact...
Why would you ever agree, "oh hey, yeah go see that other dude everything is cool"
yeaaah....
Thank you for the opinion but I think you misunderstood. She offered to do that, but also said that she thought it was just a small thing which was only a manifestation of her missing me and that given that she didn't think it would last. So I trusted her, which in my opinion was a good choice considering her personality. Her feelings for him were not something she wanted to develop, but which did involuntarily. That said, I agree that that was a missed opportunity to salvage this.
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If you guys dated in high school for a year and a half before college, I think if she truly loved you then the LDR would have worked. But can't really do anything but keep busy and move on. What really helped me was my friends playing video games like Starcraft to take my mind off of my ex when we broke up. And please DO NOT DRINK, terrible choice I made a few times that did not end up well (pissed off my friends, hung over for class, etc).
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Trust me, you'll live to get hurt again. You're mistake was giving her another chance after confessing "feelings" for another man's balls. A relationship without trust is a waste of time. And if did trust her after she thought of cheating, I'm sorry, but I can't fix stupid. Remember people cheat for a reason. Things don't just "happen." You'll learn. We all learned.
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Through all this time, my feelings for her only increased even more, as I rebounded from my initial doubt of LDRs and slight withdrawal from our relationship.
this is usually quite the opposite of what happens, as evident in your ex alone.
in a way i want to sympathize, being your first breakup and whatnot, but really, even with yourself, no girls at your current college never caught your interest? don't tell me no because you'd only be lying to yourself. and especially considering you never really met regularly with her. college is a special time of life for boys and girls and sitting around and protecting your celibacy is the last thing on most people's minds.
this your opportunity actually. never been good with girls? now's your chance to actually learn about dating since girls in college will be much more open to relationships than in high school.
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On November 21 2011 08:22 MountainDewJunkie wrote:
Trust me, you'll live to get hurt again. You're mistake was giving her another chance after confessing "feelings" for another man's balls. A relationship without trust is a waste of time. And if did trust her after she thought of cheating, I'm sorry, but I can't fix stupid. Remember people cheat for a reason. Things don't just "happen." You'll learn. We all learned.
This seems to be a common criticism...and inexperienced as I am, who am I to say you're wrong? But I do want to clarify that these were feelings that she WANTED to stop and that she never considered cheating in the slightest. But yes, you are right, that was stupid. Trust can be a weakness as well as a strength.
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On November 21 2011 08:26 a176 wrote:Show nested quote +Through all this time, my feelings for her only increased even more, as I rebounded from my initial doubt of LDRs and slight withdrawal from our relationship. this is usually quite the opposite of what happens, as evident in your ex alone. in a way i want to sympathize, being your first breakup and whatnot, but really, even with yourself, no girls at your current college never caught your interest? don't tell me no because you'd only be lying to yourself. and especially considering you never really met regularly with her. college is a special time of life for boys and girls and sitting around and protecting your celibacy is the last thing on most people's minds. this your opportunity actually. never been good with girls? now's your chance to actually learn about dating since girls in college will be much more open to relationships than in high school.
Thanks a lot man, both the sympathy and the advice are much appreciated. And sure, girls caught my eye. But only a physical, biological way. Never emotionally as occurred in the reverse. In time, I will move on. And when I do, as you say, I will take your advice and use college as a time to learn and grow and "experiment."
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On November 21 2011 08:19 Imperium11 wrote:Show nested quote +On November 21 2011 08:14 avilo wrote:
Wait what? She even said she would cut off contact with the guy and you said, "awww naaawwww it's fine." What did you think was going to happen lol? When you found out that shiot about her new lil bf, you should have either ended the relationship then or agreed for her to cut off contact...
Why would you ever agree, "oh hey, yeah go see that other dude everything is cool"
yeaaah.... Thank you for the opinion but I think you misunderstood. She offered to do that, but also said that she thought it was just a small thing which was only a manifestation of her missing me and that given that she didn't think it would last. So I trusted her, which in my opinion was a good choice considering her personality. Her feelings for him were not something she wanted to develop, but which did involuntarily. That said, I agree that that was a missed opportunity to salvage this.
yeh =/ tough luck sounds sad
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I've been through the same situation =/. My only reccomendation is to stop talking to her and don't try and be friends. It only makes it harder 
I was with a girl for a year and a half my first proper relationship, everything I thought was fine we saw each other pretty much every day and she acted the same. Then one day after college she said we need to talk and that was it... I tried to get her back over the following days as I was distraught and still had all my feelings for her but to no avail.
But yeh, drop all contact. I know it can be hard but its for the best. Block/delete on facebook too would be good if you really want her out of your life but she make take that badly and bitch at you or something
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That sucks man, generally, they say it takes about half the length of a relationship to get over it, so you just have to be stong. Hang in there, you always have TL <3
p.s. awesome TL:DR
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On November 21 2011 08:57 how wrote:
That sucks man, generally, they say it takes about half the length of a relationship to get over it, so you just have to be stong. Hang in there, you always have TL <3
p.s. awesome TL:DR
<3 Thanks. TL, MLG, and Skyrim have done a pretty good job of getting me through this so far, and it's comments like yours which make it happen!
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sigh, I feel you man. I really do. I went through the EXACT thing as you before.
to be honest, there are rare cases where two ppl date for a very long time and manage to maintain a healthy long-distance relationship. But I think that's very unlikely for the remainder of the people. Sure a girl might truly love you when you two are dating, but distance is really a hard obstacle when it comes to LDR. I went out with a girl from high school and managed to last about 9 months before we went to different universities. Let me tell you, at the beginning it sure felt like there are no one else in the world who meant so much to me like her, and vice-versa. I could tell from the way she acted, the sacrifices she made for me that she truly loved me. But distance...sigh...although we talked on msn/fb/skype/phone almost every single day, we text each other constantly throughout the day, and there is no half-an-hour that will pass by where we dont know what each other is up to, in the end, she left me for someone better, someone closer. And I'm still here, almost 2 years later, still thinking about her.
Anyways, best of luck to you. In this world and from my personal experiences, I always complained about how I'm always single throughout these years, but I'm grateful for this sense of loneliness. Because you won't ever be sad or depressed that someone you love and means so much to you leaves you for someone else. Of course, that doesn't mean you won't ever fall in love again, but things take time. You need to go through things like this to truly appreciate the time you have with the ones you love; to understand that loneliness can sometimes be a very good and powerful thing, because it teaches you to be self-dependent.
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The people here have given very good advice. I was in a VERY similar situation like yours except it happened a week before summer started -_- after freshman year.
But yea, it's going to be tough, but just remember it's not the end of the world. Take your time now and meet more people and talk to more girls!! Freshman year is the best time to meet people and you still have more than half of it left! And don't start thinking "what if", I think that not forbidding her to talk to the guy was the right thing to do. Very alpha move, but I guess things just didn't work out. Don't beat yourself up and just take the time to improve yourself!
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I have only four things to say:
The first is you made a good choice about going top a different university than her. The chances that people break up with their high-school girlfriend are very high. Going to the same college would just have made the problem worse, I speak from experience.
Second: She sounds immature/like a b****, for breaking up with you via Facebook. She knew you would have been crushed, because she knows that you still care about her and it just shows how immature she is by how she broke up with you. Trust and emotional maturity are two different things completely.
Third: hang out/confide in friends but don't droll on about your ex for a long time. Try to have fun you'll mostly forget about her in a few moths at most.
Fourth and finally: You are in college, have fun, and do things that intrest you. There will never be another time in you life again where you have this level of freedom with very few consequences. This isn't a "go stick it in some random girl" statement, it is an enjoy yourself statement. You will have many girlfriends and dates in you life and if you dont take risks and aren't willing to get hurt you will stay in you depressed break up state for a very long time.
Well that was oddly cathartic and cliché. I am willing to bet that this post is full of errors, but I have just pulled an all-nighter for a few papers due next week so I'm happy to willingly disregard grammar, punctuation, and spelling in an internet forum post.
Yes, it will hurt for a while, but it is meant to hurt. Which means your normal.
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Oh no I was dumped nearly three months ago after six months of dating. I definitely felt lost, hurt, and confused as you do right now. We tried to stay friends but didn't work because of how hurt I was. So my ex did me a favor and completely cut off contact from me. It's been really helpful actually. So I suggest doing things like hiding her from your facebook feed (or deleting her), taking her number off from your phone, and packing away any gifts she gave you.
Just hang in there!! Try and keep yourself as busy as possible. Good luck, I hope you feel better soon.
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^ I suggest taking Ruffian advice. Just move on because she's not worth more of your time.
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Oddly enough, you should probably be thankful. If she could not have the LDR work or talk things out with you she wasn't the girl you wanted.
That said, this sucks and you should probably look to family and friends for consolation.
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EPT
