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I guess I'll start off with an introduction, as this is also my first blog entry. I'm an 18 year old guy who loves Starcraft and attends a very good college. Pretty simple.
So I've never been especially good with girls. I make friends with them very easily, but rarely ever moved past that. Halfway into junior year of high school, however, that changed. I got my first girlfriend, with whom I had a wonderful remainder of high school. We were close, extremely so, and looked into common colleges as a possibility. This was especially difficult given our very different interests (me in government, her in Engineering). In the end we didn't both get into any schools which would be acceptable for both of us, but agreed to try and stay together in a long-distance relationship (LDR).
Neither of us ever thought that maintaining an LDR would be easy. But we were both confident that we could do it. She never really liked talking on the phone, but we talked weekly on facebook and skype. In retrospect, this was definitely not enough, but with the radical changes to lifestyle which occur in a transition to college, I was caught up in doing many other things, and placed her at a lower priority than I should have. That said, I was (in my opinion) an excellent boyfriend all throughout high school, and after the first couple months of college, realized my mistake, and put forth a conscious effort to interact with her more.
We talked more often, and even saw each other a few times when she came home to see her family (I happen to go to school in my home town). And then, out of the blue, in one of our conversations, she confesses that she has been having "feelings" for another guy, She didn't think it was significant, and was probably only an attachment which was growing in my absence. She felt extremely guilty and asked me if I wanted her to cut off all contact with this guy, who was her best friend at school. I said no. I trusted her completely. She was (and is) the sweetest, most faithful person I could have ever asked for, and my trust in her was only boosted when she confessed this to me. She assured me that she would get over this and it wouldn't detract from our relationship. Satisfied, I agreed to move on.
Through all this time, my feelings for her only increased even more, as I rebounded from my initial doubt of LDRs and slight withdrawal from our relationship. Last week, I decided to go visit her, and took a 5 hour bus ride to spend a weekend with her. I thought everything went well. Things were different between us, but not bad. We spent a bunch of time with the friend who she claimed to have feelings for, and I was very gracious and inclusive of him, but was truly disconcerted by how close they were. I left and returned to school, and we kept talking.
Yesterday, around a week after I had visited her, she started our conversation by apologetically breaking up with my. I was/am shocked. Crushed. She claimed that her feelings for this other guy had only grown over time. Also, her feelings for me had declined with time and distance. She still claims to care for me and that nothing serious has happened between her and this guy. We talked for the next hour and a half or so with me urging her to reconsider and arguing that ours was not a short term high school fling which could be thrown away so easily. It was (and is) my opinion that in long term relationships, when issues arise, people should first try to resolve them before immediately, unexpectedly breaking them off. She claimed to see my point that this was reasonable, but needed time to think it over. We agreed to talk the next day (today).
The conversation was short. She said that her feelings for me had declined too much to want to keep a relationship, especially when she was conflicted with feelings for someone else as well. She apologized once more, said she had to go, and ended the call.
I am left feeling utterly confused. Lost. Hurt. Unjustly treated. I didn't see this coming. Moreover, she wasn't even willing to give things a chance to get better, to experience a winter break together to remind her of the amazing times we have had. What's worse, she broke up with me over facebook, right before Thanksgiving break when I was scheduled to see her, and celebrate her birthday (the day after) for which I had already begun preparations. We never had any big arguments. There were never any issues brought up to my attention of things that she was unhappy with. Being broken up with is always hard, of course, but in this case especially I feel so helpless and lost and am turning to TL, the community I love and admire, for its thoughts and help. Thank you all for reading.
TLDR: None. Thanks to those who read the whole thing, if you don't want to (understandably, that's quite a wall of text) then don't bother responding.
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I could bust out a few of the old adages that people usually say when their friends get dumped, but there's probably nothing that will comfort you know. I know how it feels. Call some friends, your family, get together with people you love. They'll most probably understand. The pain will get less severe with time.
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Yep. That's what relationships are like. I know I felt this way, too. Hell, sometimes I still do. I hooked up with a girl that's been secretly in love with me all throughout high school, I've been in love with her too, but things never worked out... And when, in college, they suddenly did, I felt the relationship was special - as did she. We had an awesome time together, moved in together and there was no problem whatsoever, after some time we even started discussing future and family. Well it turned out we weren't special. If things don't work out, they just don't. That's all there is to it. You weren't meant to be together, so you split up. You can always argue that "If we only didn't LDR, maybe we'd..." Well that's true. On the other hand, if you were meant to be, this wouldn't matter, you'd work through it.
So my advice - get over the thought that your relationship was special. It clearly wasn't. Or maybe I'm wrong and you guys will get back together. But trying anything now is only going to make you look pathetic and weak, so don't try to be all romantic (stalker) and ignore her. Take some alone time, wait patiently and eventually get back in the game and maybe find the special one. Good luck.
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Wait what? She even said she would cut off contact with the guy and you said, "awww naaawwww it's fine." What did you think was going to happen lol? When you found out that shiot about her new lil bf, you should have either ended the relationship then or agreed for her to cut off contact...
Why would you ever agree, "oh hey, yeah go see that other dude everything is cool"
yeaaah....
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On November 21 2011 08:14 avilo wrote: Wait what? She even said she would cut off contact with the guy and you said, "awww naaawwww it's fine." What did you think was going to happen lol? When you found out that shiot about her new lil bf, you should have either ended the relationship then or agreed for her to cut off contact...
Why would you ever agree, "oh hey, yeah go see that other dude everything is cool"
yeaaah....
Thank you for the opinion but I think you misunderstood. She offered to do that, but also said that she thought it was just a small thing which was only a manifestation of her missing me and that given that she didn't think it would last. So I trusted her, which in my opinion was a good choice considering her personality. Her feelings for him were not something she wanted to develop, but which did involuntarily. That said, I agree that that was a missed opportunity to salvage this.
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If you guys dated in high school for a year and a half before college, I think if she truly loved you then the LDR would have worked. But can't really do anything but keep busy and move on. What really helped me was my friends playing video games like Starcraft to take my mind off of my ex when we broke up. And please DO NOT DRINK, terrible choice I made a few times that did not end up well (pissed off my friends, hung over for class, etc).
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Trust me, you'll live to get hurt again. You're mistake was giving her another chance after confessing "feelings" for another man's balls. A relationship without trust is a waste of time. And if did trust her after she thought of cheating, I'm sorry, but I can't fix stupid. Remember people cheat for a reason. Things don't just "happen." You'll learn. We all learned.
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Through all this time, my feelings for her only increased even more, as I rebounded from my initial doubt of LDRs and slight withdrawal from our relationship.
this is usually quite the opposite of what happens, as evident in your ex alone.
in a way i want to sympathize, being your first breakup and whatnot, but really, even with yourself, no girls at your current college never caught your interest? don't tell me no because you'd only be lying to yourself. and especially considering you never really met regularly with her. college is a special time of life for boys and girls and sitting around and protecting your celibacy is the last thing on most people's minds.
this your opportunity actually. never been good with girls? now's your chance to actually learn about dating since girls in college will be much more open to relationships than in high school.
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On November 21 2011 08:22 MountainDewJunkie wrote: Trust me, you'll live to get hurt again. You're mistake was giving her another chance after confessing "feelings" for another man's balls. A relationship without trust is a waste of time. And if did trust her after she thought of cheating, I'm sorry, but I can't fix stupid. Remember people cheat for a reason. Things don't just "happen." You'll learn. We all learned.
This seems to be a common criticism...and inexperienced as I am, who am I to say you're wrong? But I do want to clarify that these were feelings that she WANTED to stop and that she never considered cheating in the slightest. But yes, you are right, that was stupid. Trust can be a weakness as well as a strength.
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On November 21 2011 08:26 a176 wrote:Show nested quote +Through all this time, my feelings for her only increased even more, as I rebounded from my initial doubt of LDRs and slight withdrawal from our relationship. this is usually quite the opposite of what happens, as evident in your ex alone. in a way i want to sympathize, being your first breakup and whatnot, but really, even with yourself, no girls at your current college never caught your interest? don't tell me no because you'd only be lying to yourself. and especially considering you never really met regularly with her. college is a special time of life for boys and girls and sitting around and protecting your celibacy is the last thing on most people's minds. this your opportunity actually. never been good with girls? now's your chance to actually learn about dating since girls in college will be much more open to relationships than in high school.
Thanks a lot man, both the sympathy and the advice are much appreciated. And sure, girls caught my eye. But only a physical, biological way. Never emotionally as occurred in the reverse. In time, I will move on. And when I do, as you say, I will take your advice and use college as a time to learn and grow and "experiment."
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On November 21 2011 08:19 Imperium11 wrote:Show nested quote +On November 21 2011 08:14 avilo wrote: Wait what? She even said she would cut off contact with the guy and you said, "awww naaawwww it's fine." What did you think was going to happen lol? When you found out that shiot about her new lil bf, you should have either ended the relationship then or agreed for her to cut off contact...
Why would you ever agree, "oh hey, yeah go see that other dude everything is cool"
yeaaah.... Thank you for the opinion but I think you misunderstood. She offered to do that, but also said that she thought it was just a small thing which was only a manifestation of her missing me and that given that she didn't think it would last. So I trusted her, which in my opinion was a good choice considering her personality. Her feelings for him were not something she wanted to develop, but which did involuntarily. That said, I agree that that was a missed opportunity to salvage this.
yeh =/ tough luck sounds sad
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I've been through the same situation =/. My only reccomendation is to stop talking to her and don't try and be friends. It only makes it harder
I was with a girl for a year and a half my first proper relationship, everything I thought was fine we saw each other pretty much every day and she acted the same. Then one day after college she said we need to talk and that was it... I tried to get her back over the following days as I was distraught and still had all my feelings for her but to no avail.
But yeh, drop all contact. I know it can be hard but its for the best. Block/delete on facebook too would be good if you really want her out of your life but she make take that badly and bitch at you or something
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That sucks man, generally, they say it takes about half the length of a relationship to get over it, so you just have to be stong. Hang in there, you always have TL <3
p.s. awesome TL:DR
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On November 21 2011 08:57 how wrote: That sucks man, generally, they say it takes about half the length of a relationship to get over it, so you just have to be stong. Hang in there, you always have TL <3
p.s. awesome TL:DR
<3 Thanks. TL, MLG, and Skyrim have done a pretty good job of getting me through this so far, and it's comments like yours which make it happen!
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sigh, I feel you man. I really do. I went through the EXACT thing as you before. to be honest, there are rare cases where two ppl date for a very long time and manage to maintain a healthy long-distance relationship. But I think that's very unlikely for the remainder of the people. Sure a girl might truly love you when you two are dating, but distance is really a hard obstacle when it comes to LDR. I went out with a girl from high school and managed to last about 9 months before we went to different universities. Let me tell you, at the beginning it sure felt like there are no one else in the world who meant so much to me like her, and vice-versa. I could tell from the way she acted, the sacrifices she made for me that she truly loved me. But distance...sigh...although we talked on msn/fb/skype/phone almost every single day, we text each other constantly throughout the day, and there is no half-an-hour that will pass by where we dont know what each other is up to, in the end, she left me for someone better, someone closer. And I'm still here, almost 2 years later, still thinking about her.
Anyways, best of luck to you. In this world and from my personal experiences, I always complained about how I'm always single throughout these years, but I'm grateful for this sense of loneliness. Because you won't ever be sad or depressed that someone you love and means so much to you leaves you for someone else. Of course, that doesn't mean you won't ever fall in love again, but things take time. You need to go through things like this to truly appreciate the time you have with the ones you love; to understand that loneliness can sometimes be a very good and powerful thing, because it teaches you to be self-dependent.
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The people here have given very good advice. I was in a VERY similar situation like yours except it happened a week before summer started -_- after freshman year.
But yea, it's going to be tough, but just remember it's not the end of the world. Take your time now and meet more people and talk to more girls!! Freshman year is the best time to meet people and you still have more than half of it left! And don't start thinking "what if", I think that not forbidding her to talk to the guy was the right thing to do. Very alpha move, but I guess things just didn't work out. Don't beat yourself up and just take the time to improve yourself!
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I have only four things to say:
The first is you made a good choice about going top a different university than her. The chances that people break up with their high-school girlfriend are very high. Going to the same college would just have made the problem worse, I speak from experience.
Second: She sounds immature/like a b****, for breaking up with you via Facebook. She knew you would have been crushed, because she knows that you still care about her and it just shows how immature she is by how she broke up with you. Trust and emotional maturity are two different things completely.
Third: hang out/confide in friends but don't droll on about your ex for a long time. Try to have fun you'll mostly forget about her in a few moths at most.
Fourth and finally: You are in college, have fun, and do things that intrest you. There will never be another time in you life again where you have this level of freedom with very few consequences. This isn't a "go stick it in some random girl" statement, it is an enjoy yourself statement. You will have many girlfriends and dates in you life and if you dont take risks and aren't willing to get hurt you will stay in you depressed break up state for a very long time.
Well that was oddly cathartic and cliché. I am willing to bet that this post is full of errors, but I have just pulled an all-nighter for a few papers due next week so I'm happy to willingly disregard grammar, punctuation, and spelling in an internet forum post.
Yes, it will hurt for a while, but it is meant to hurt. Which means your normal.
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Oh no I was dumped nearly three months ago after six months of dating. I definitely felt lost, hurt, and confused as you do right now. We tried to stay friends but didn't work because of how hurt I was. So my ex did me a favor and completely cut off contact from me. It's been really helpful actually. So I suggest doing things like hiding her from your facebook feed (or deleting her), taking her number off from your phone, and packing away any gifts she gave you.
Just hang in there!! Try and keep yourself as busy as possible. Good luck, I hope you feel better soon.
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^ I suggest taking Ruffian advice. Just move on because she's not worth more of your time.
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Oddly enough, you should probably be thankful. If she could not have the LDR work or talk things out with you she wasn't the girl you wanted. That said, this sucks and you should probably look to family and friends for consolation.
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On November 21 2011 08:14 avilo wrote: Wait what? She even said she would cut off contact with the guy and you said, "awww naaawwww it's fine." What did you think was going to happen lol? When you found out that shiot about her new lil bf, you should have either ended the relationship then or agreed for her to cut off contact...
Why would you ever agree, "oh hey, yeah go see that other dude everything is cool"
yeaaah....
First, this post is too funny. You're a fine one to talk.
You were right to trust the girl, but of course leaving the door open for complications. Then again, if you forced her to break off all contact with her new "best friend" she would have only told you she had and kept right on seeing him anyway (think avilo knows what I'm talking about). Eventually, you would have lost her no matter what you did.
At least this way (and I know it's not going to make you feel better ) she'll remember you as her first love, the guy who was understanding and the guy she did wrong.
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Sorry for your loss. Now is probably not the appropriate time to give advice, but I'll probably not be able to do so in the future, so this how I think you should proceed for your future.
Firstly, imagine if the places were switched - and that you had possible feelings for someone and you told her this. She would've been upset and not "ok about it". Reading the post, this relationship is too important for you, which is possibly why you've acquiesced too much with her - not only in this issue but possibly in many other as well.
Thus, you need to take a stronger stance and be more principled and firm in the future. I'm not suggesting that you act like a douche, but just more firm.
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You sound pretty mature and I think you'll be fine. I think you handled everything pretty well (unless you went crazy while you were asking her to reconsider, etc.) but it's just how it is. Yeah it's gonna hurt, but perhaps try becoming more involved in school as you were at the start.
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On November 21 2011 08:14 avilo wrote: Wait what? She even said she would cut off contact with the guy and you said, "awww naaawwww it's fine." What did you think was going to happen lol? When you found out that shiot about her new lil bf, you should have either ended the relationship then or agreed for her to cut off contact...
Why would you ever agree, "oh hey, yeah go see that other dude everything is cool"
yeaaah....
I dont think that would have made one bit of difference. Lets say that you told her to cut off contact with her little bf at school. She would have had him on her mind all the time. Your not there to give her attention and he is. She would have dwelled on him and not you since by then her feelings for you were probably diminishing before she told you.
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can only fight lack of attraction with attraction...alas you had no chance to do that suck it up, keep improving yourself, maybe you'll want to get her back in a few years time
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Not much that I can say to help, other than keep going with your life. If you begin to feel crushed or distanced from your life, never give in to it. Find something that you can feel purpose in doing, not necessarily comfort, but purpose.
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To be honest... all that just seems to mean that you failed to get the plentyful ammounts of hints she was shooting your way. You are handling this in the worst possible way glorifying this person.
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Sad, but it happens.
I think you handled it pretty well, and to be honest, I think she did too, in that she actually told you; communication is something a lot of couples lack these days. In any case, nothing you can do but move on. No point getting into a relationship in which A needs/likes B more than B needs/likes A, which creates all sorts of issues. Life goes on.
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On November 21 2011 12:52 babylon wrote: Sad, but it happens.
I think you handled it pretty well, and to be honest, I think she did too, in that she actually told you; communication is something a lot of couples lack these days. In any case, nothing you can do but move on. No point getting into a relationship in which A needs/likes B more than B needs/likes A, which creates all sorts of issues. Life goes on.
i agree with this, it doesnt sound like anyone was bad to eachother at all, it just sounds like it didnt work out, its sounds like it wouldnt have worked out anyway, u should be happy how it ended
Have a good life :D
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so sorry for you. but life goes on. take everything from your experiences. nothing is the end. you'll be alright in the end. i know it
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Thanks all for the advice. Obviously I am still confused and uncertain of where to go from here, but everyone's words have helped give me perspective on everything which has happened.
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On November 21 2011 12:50 Hynda wrote: To be honest... all that just seems to mean that you failed to get the plentyful ammounts of hints she was shooting your way. You are handling this in the worst possible way glorifying this person.
If you could give some examples of said hints, I would be appreciative.
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next girlfriend you have, don't let her hang around guys that are a threat. simple as that, survival of the fittest.
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You'll live to tell. Some things in life simply aren't meant to work out and that's okay. If you think you made some mistakes then analyze them and use that new knowledge to produce a better future for yourself where you can be even more successful in relationships.
As far as the getting over her part, just get out and do stuff! Hang out with friends, meet new girls, play Starcraft, just do whatever. No, it doesn't make the pain any less real and trust me, we've all felt some sort of pain relating to girls. But eventually you will indeed get over it and you're going to be happy.
Just remember, all this hurt sucks but it's only through mistakes that you learn. Good luck friend
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On November 21 2011 13:16 Malgrif wrote: next girlfriend you have, don't let her hang around guys that are a threat. simple as that, survival of the fittest. Woah that's a pretty jealous way to have a relationship...
How exactly does one not "let her hang around guys that are a threat"? I can see your converstation going something like "Sorry honey but I can't let you meet up with Pete, he is a threat and I am scared you will choose him over me."
Win!
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On November 21 2011 13:40 Probulous wrote:Show nested quote +On November 21 2011 13:16 Malgrif wrote: next girlfriend you have, don't let her hang around guys that are a threat. simple as that, survival of the fittest. Woah that's a pretty jealous way to have a relationship... How exactly does one not "let her hang around guys that are a threat"? I can see your converstation going something like "Sorry honey but I can't let you meet up with Pete, he is a threat and I am scared you will choose him over me." Win! he gave her a chance to hang out with a guy she had feelings for even though she said she would stop if he wanted her to. he shot himself in the foot lol, and if your girlfriend is getting too friendly with another guy you have every right to ask her to break it off a little.
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Your 18 she took the right decision for u screw LDR, go enjoy life and find another girl close to you
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On November 21 2011 13:43 Malgrif wrote:Show nested quote +On November 21 2011 13:40 Probulous wrote:On November 21 2011 13:16 Malgrif wrote: next girlfriend you have, don't let her hang around guys that are a threat. simple as that, survival of the fittest. Woah that's a pretty jealous way to have a relationship... How exactly does one not "let her hang around guys that are a threat"? I can see your converstation going something like "Sorry honey but I can't let you meet up with Pete, he is a threat and I am scared you will choose him over me." Win! he gave her a chance to hang out with a guy she had feelings for even though she said she would stop if he wanted her to. he shot himself in the foot lol, and if your girlfriend is getting too friendly with another guy you have every right to ask her to break it off a little.
It's a lose/lose situation I think. If he tells her to not hang out with the guy then he looks super insecure (obviously a huge turn-off to girls) and it's not like she can control her attraction, she's still gonna like the guy regardless. The point in all of this is that long distance relationships are really hard to pull off and require really special types of people to do so.
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On November 21 2011 13:47 Darkren wrote: Your 18 she took the right decision for u screw LDR, go enjoy life and find another girl close to you
sex is too awesome. be glad you can now find a girl who will want to have sex with you daily.
on a side note. breaking up is super hard, but its easy to get over it. let your guy friends know (perhaps a guy who has been in a relationship), and they will help you out. seriously, when i broke up with my first, my guy friends ENSURED that i had a good time. i got invited to EVERY party in existence, and they made sure i got wasted. LDRs just don't work unless you have some sort of plan. like, i dno, see each other one weekend a month, spend summers together or something. even then, it is difficult, but it makes it somewhat easier that way.
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I always had LDR because I studied aboard and yea, it is really hard to maintain a relationship. Similarly, I never really have any argument with any of my ex. It is always something happens in different form and ending as a break up.
(currently I am at another LDR through lolol)
Break ups suck, no matter how many times you experience it, it still sucks BIG TIME. It is the GOOD memories that kept you looking back to the past and regretting about whatever happened and you are always the guilty one. I remember in one of my break up, I felt so worthless and recalling what every little thing that I did wrong and imagined what I could have done to make things different.
The only way to get over it imo, is just to let time to do it's doing and CUT OFF connection completely. Then slowly, you can look back to the past, as a third person, and just say you had a great time together and it won't have any negativity feelings attached to it.
(and about breaking up over facebook, take it easy. It really is better than a face-to-face one because it can get really ugly and you would be at the street)
AND if you ever feel like you are worthless or stupid in relationship etc, think of it this way. Most of the times, your decision may not have worked out with this girl, but it may have been with another girl. Don't based your decisions too much upon your last relationship. Be yourself, choose what you think is right. Past experience will seem to teach you stuff but actually you need to treat another girl as another topic.
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My friend just broke up with her LDR relationship. I was wondering how the guy felt seeing as he only visited her only a week before the break up. The guy flew half way across the country to visit her. I felt so sorry for the guy because he was a fun dude to hang out with. Your blog was really insightful, and it helped me understand relationships of people around me more.
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Come on, if she confesses feelings for the other guy and offers to break contact with him, THAT WAS her 2nd chance for your relationship. You should have broken up then or took the offer.
In the end you trusted her not to cheat, and she probably didn't, but she couldn't change how she felt about the other guy, especially since they were still seeing each other at school. In the end you only left her one choice, to break up with you.
Somehow though I doubt her breaking contact with the other guy would have worked that great either. Guess it was already doomed the moment she told you.
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Also don't forget that you're on Team Liquid, where everyone knows how to handle every possible game, relationship, job and how to run a dragonfly circus. Being in the relationship and doing the right thing is a lot harder than reading a blog and giving a random advice. And even then, cutting of the guy might have been a better choice than letting him stay in contact with her, but the fact she had feelings for him suggests there was something wrong in the first place - and it would most likely end up the same anyway - perhaps a little later, which would only make it worse. Or she would dump you the day after you have forbidden her to meet him. So don't be too hard on yourself because of that. I'd probably do the same thing and I don't think you could ruin a healthy relationship by such a choice.
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You better watch your hoes more closely /pimpslap
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+ Show Spoiler [Little (Irrelevant) Introduction] +I was blessed with 6 girl blogs last Friday, which made that day possibly the most exciting day at work for me. Let's see if today will be as good~
So I like girl blogs because it's probably the most sincere and genuine blogs (most of the time) on TL. Plus, I just feed on the drama like a hungry dramalama. Anyways... I'm sorry to hear what happened, but to me it sounds like both of you were naive regarding the road ahead. LDR in first year of college... is a steep challenge. I would dare say that it was only natural for your ex-gf to fall for the shoulder she could lean on everyday instead of the fading memories of high school.
For your recovery phase, I think you'll be fine - first year is full changes and surprises that should keep your mind occupied on the things of the present and near future. Live for the moment! As others have previously suggested, I agree with deleting her contacts and packing away memorable objects. Don't completely destroy the objects though, soon you'll be glad you kept them for the many beautiful memories of the past~
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All I can say is continue living and don't throw your life away. It seems like you are keeping a handle on things which is good.
Try to avoid any links/items related to her. I say just stash stuff that came from her and as others said, hide her from your feed. I don't say outright delete her as it just makes you look bitter when you do.
Anyway, I know it would be hard to focus so try to keep busy. You have skyrim and sc2 for the moment which is a good thing, although I wouldn't recommend completely using these two to preoccupy yourself. You still have to get back on track with your life and I think you will. You chose the university over her which says something about your character and you'd do the right thing.
Anyway, you are still young so this is one of the things you will experience. If it hurts, then it just means it meant a lot to you and that's good. What's important here is to take the good from the experience. But don't hold the bad against your future significant other when it comes down to it (like doubting a guy friend she has too much or something along those lines.) Trust is still important in a relationship so don't forget it. =)
Good luck and hope you have a speedy recovery.
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Well OP, I've lived through what you're talking about more than once. The transition from high school to college is huge. It changes everyone. When I was an RA of a freshman hall (three years) we were told that October was "national break up with your high school sweetheart month". I didn't believe it at first, but it was like freakin clockwork! There were plenty in September and a few in November, but but in the end very few high school romances survived despite the good intentions and future plans of everyone involved. If blogging about it is the worst you're doing then I'd say you're handling it fairly well. More than once I had old residents in my room crying for several hours, one of them so desperate he was calling his ex's house every 20 minutes and leaving messages.
But hey, I've been through it, too. First relationship went great (2nd year of college), then we went home for summer, hardly saw each other, and things were different. A year later the break ended us. At the end of undergrad I started dating again, this time with someone I considered near-perfect. I moved 1000 miles to grad school and she moved on. So much for perfect! It takes a lot of maturity and sacrifice to keep up a LDR, something that regrettably few people have.
Now it's time to move on. I found it very useful to box up all her things - presents, things she left lying around, daily reminders of her - and give them to a friend to hold on to for a few months. I highly recommend deleting old pictures, text messages, blocking her on facebook and any other social networking site. Do not call her or text her (and be very short if she does that to you), but keep her number in your phone for the SOLE purpose of knowing if she's calling. It may seem cruel to cut off all contact, but the more time you spend on her as friends the harder it will be to move on. Change your room arrangement so that it's different from the way she might have seen it. Spend lots of time with friends and put more time into school and hobbies. Time is the only thing that's going to truly heal you (at least a few months - I needed 6-8 both times). Don't let life pass you by. Try new things, meet new people, and DO NOT spend all your time reliving old memories. This was a clean break. It's over now. She set you free. It's always harder being dumped because you haven't moved on yet, but you will once you've grown enough. As you grow without her you realize more and more how the person you've become is better because she's not in your life. When you can look back on the times you've had and not feel pain or sadness, but that it was a good memory of your past. Once you've hit this point you know you've moved on. This is where I feel it's appropriate to become friends again, but only that.
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On November 21 2011 16:39 The_LiNk wrote: My friend just broke up with her LDR relationship. I was wondering how the guy felt seeing as he only visited her only a week before the break up. The guy flew half way across the country to visit her. I felt so sorry for the guy because he was a fun dude to hang out with. Your blog was really insightful, and it helped me understand relationships of people around me more.
My sincere condolences to this guy, while I know nothing of their relationship, it is truly tragic for that kind of commitment to be thrown back in his face.
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+ Show Spoiler +On November 22 2011 00:33 Servius_Fulvius wrote: Well OP, I've lived through what you're talking about more than once. The transition from high school to college is huge. It changes everyone. When I was an RA of a freshman hall (three years) we were told that October was "national break up with your high school sweetheart month". I didn't believe it at first, but it was like freakin clockwork! There were plenty in September and a few in November, but but in the end very few high school romances survived despite the good intentions and future plans of everyone involved. If blogging about it is the worst you're doing then I'd say you're handling it fairly well. More than once I had old residents in my room crying for several hours, one of them so desperate he was calling his ex's house every 20 minutes and leaving messages.
But hey, I've been through it, too. First relationship went great (2nd year of college), then we went home for summer, hardly saw each other, and things were different. A year later the break ended us. At the end of undergrad I started dating again, this time with someone I considered near-perfect. I moved 1000 miles to grad school and she moved on. So much for perfect! It takes a lot of maturity and sacrifice to keep up a LDR, something that regrettably few people have.
Now it's time to move on. I found it very useful to box up all her things - presents, things she left lying around, daily reminders of her - and give them to a friend to hold on to for a few months. I highly recommend deleting old pictures, text messages, blocking her on facebook and any other social networking site. Do not call her or text her (and be very short if she does that to you), but keep her number in your phone for the SOLE purpose of knowing if she's calling. It may seem cruel to cut off all contact, but the more time you spend on her as friends the harder it will be to move on. Change your room arrangement so that it's different from the way she might have seen it. Spend lots of time with friends and put more time into school and hobbies. Time is the only thing that's going to truly heal you (at least a few months - I needed 6-8 both times). Don't let life pass you by. Try new things, meet new people, and DO NOT spend all your time reliving old memories. This was a clean break. It's over now. She set you free. It's always harder being dumped because you haven't moved on yet, but you will once you've grown enough. As you grow without her you realize more and more how the person you've become is better because she's not in your life. When you can look back on the times you've had and not feel pain or sadness, but that it was a good memory of your past. Once you've hit this point you know you've moved on. This is where I feel it's appropriate to become friends again, but only that.
I may not be the OP, but I'm experiencing quite the same as him right at this very moment. I must say that this post was really insightful and helpful to me, as it probably will be to the OP.
Thank you for that.
To the OP: I know how you feel, man. If you need someone to talk to, I'm there for you, just PM me. As mentioned, I kind of experience the same issue as you at this very moment (it feels more like a process than a "one-moment-thing") and it hurts.
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Norway10161 Posts
I'm not giving advice on this one, just stopping by to wish you good luck and telling you that it will become better.
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On November 22 2011 08:35 ToKoreaWithLove wrote: I'm not giving advice on this one, just stopping by to wish you good luck and telling you that it will become better.
Haha thanks for that. It was an honor to even have been read by a poster I recognize!
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College and LDR's don't mix. There's too many potential girlfriends/boyfriends around and "out of sight, out of mind." It's a matter of convenience mostly and it's unavoidable. Sorry for your loss.
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College is a time for you to experience new things and new people and honestly, I'd say that this is probably for the best in the long run. I also had a Highschool ---> College relationship that ended pretty much exactly the same way yours did. I was crushed for a while, but I just met new people and tried to keep myself busy to block out the sorrow until it just wasn't there anymore. You just gotta keep at a head up and remember, your life isnt even half over yet!
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Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, move on.
You really are giving this girl way more credit than she deserves by 'being understanding' about her feelings for the other guy. You get absolutely nothing from putting this girl on a pedestal besides increasing the feeling of having missed out on this relationship. It's very naive of you to think that her hanging out with a guy she had feelings for was a non-issue.
Telling her that it's uncomfortable that she hangs out with a guy that much is not about being insecure, but rather about self-respect. If you're OK with her doing that, then she should be OK with you hanging out with a particular girl all the time. Chances are she wouldn't be OK with this, and if she is, then she doesn't care enough about you to be in a long-term relationship.
It's normal to be somewhat jealous of things/people that mean a lot to you. That "modern", liberal approach to relationships is why - in my humble opinion - relationships are incredibly short-lived as you'd rather be sleeping around, or just crash and burn because one of the parties couldn't take the lack of emotional connection.
If you're looking for a long-term relationship, find a girl who will be respectful of your needs and who is mature enough to understand them. You shouldn't be looking for one at 18 anyway. Go out and have fun. The chances that you find someone who really is ready for commitment are ridiculously small at your age. Society is too liberal these days, so adapt and take advantage of what it offers to you: i.e. less relationships, more casual sex. Nevertheless, the fact remains that LDRs don't work unless you have the possibility to see her any day of the year if necessary, so you were already in for trouble.
I hope you feel better soon. Break ups are always hard. I broke up with my gf of 2 years a couple days ago, because I moved to a different continent. Even though I'll be going back in June, these kind of barriers take too much work to get through, and most of the time, make you sacrifice more than you gain from keeping a LDR.
Grab a beer with your friends. It'll help.
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