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I am 19 this year and throughout my life i realized how my view on friends changed many times .
When i was small , at the age of 4-6 friends just meant someone i like to talk to when i was in kindergarten. And whoever i dislike i call them enemy . It was easy , everyone showed their true nature in their purest form . No backstabbing , manipulative etc , at least that was what i remembered . Life was good
Came age 7-12 , friends became a more important role in my life . As i spent more and more time in school , friends suddenly became someone i learn to rely on . I slowly leaned the meaning of trust . I learned how to cheat , break the rules etc as any primary school children would and i have to know who i can trust so i can get away with . School was very strict (from an asian school ) . We were not allowed to run/chase around , work was too much and when we forget to do /bring the book we get hit with the cane 5 times minimum per work/book . We learned to protect each other , we learn how to save each other , we learned the value of trust . At that point , i was still a lone wolf . I did things on my own , hang out with whoever that wants to hang out with me and would actually prefer alone time . But i always knew how important trust was and never once broke it . I guess you could say i didnt need friends but i want friends .
Came secondary school , age 13-15 . The period where teenagers go through puberty and emotions swing around . Made my first best friend at the age of 13( Call him guy bestfriend A) . We started hanging out everyday as 2 people , then slowly the group increased and it became 9 . We were a bunch of guys that have 1 thing in common , the love for basketball . We spent everyday together as 1 and play basketball every opportunity we had . They were what i call '' bros'' . I started to rely and trust friends more and more . It felt great to belong to somewhere . I was no longer a lone wolf . I needed friends , i can't live without them . And with that age where teenagers go through puberty , i find it nice to talk to girls because they like to listen . Made a few close girlfriends and started expressing my feelings and having '' deep conversations '' . And i loved it . Friend was the most important thing in my life besides family . Nothing else matters as long as we have each other .
At the end of age 15 , i sorta have this '' break up '' . I liked my friend's ( 1 of the 9 ) gf and i told him honestly about it .I told him i was going to go after her when they were about to break up . He said he was ok with it ( obviously not ) . Things were abit messy but thankfully the girl decided to go back to my friend and my friendship with my friend was able to be saved . I guess i didn't understand back then what it means to not ever go after your friend's ex . I was probably kind of a jerk that time . But it didn't mattered as she did go back with him and we didn't have any problem after that . I was having my first '' breakup '' so i was quite devastated and i started talking to this other girl that just went through break up too . Slowly we became so close that we became best friends ( Girl best friend B ) . At this point of life i guess i was sort of '' famous '' and have no problems socializing and having friends . Life was still pretty good even with the break up .
At age 16 , was hurt quite badly from the breakup and when my best friend couldn't take it as i kept on dwelling on the past for almost a year , i felt bad and started talking less about it with my best friend . Then i started talking to this girl about my '' feelings '' and slowly we became close . She was actually interested in me and i sort of have a bit feelings but not enough to get into a relationship . That was also the time i developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder . It started turning bad . I was not able to make wise decisions as i was always having thoughts in my head due to OCD ( i had pure O , http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purely_Obsessional_OCD ) . The more she liked me and showed interest , the more i felt like it was my responsibility to be with her . And so i asked her to be my gf and we got together . It was probably the worst mistake of my life .
For the next 2 years due to me feeling guilty and OCD , i followed everything she wanted . She started became controlling but i didn't / couldn't see because i felt like i deserve it . Things were terrible , OCD became worse . At this point i had to see psychiatrist and take pills . She slowly manged to convince me my bros were bad people that i should not mix . And i got controlled . Slowly i started losing friends without realizing . Stopped hanging out with my bros etc , lost best girl friend B , fought alot with guy best friend A . Life was .. pretty hard that time . Suddenly this guy came out of nowhere , started mixing with the my '' bros '' and was interested with my gf . And some of my '' bros'' actually started to prefer him over me . Things started to get messy here . He (call him enemy C ) started eating with us and hanging out . 1 of my '' bros'' became very close to him and they started talking a lot . He supports Enemy C getting my gf etc . I started getting confuse . I thought we were bros and all , tried to block those thoughts but i always knew they were the back of my head . There was once , a 2nd '' bro '' kissed my gf cheek ( yeah its a pretty big thing here , we're a little conservative , probably equivalent to making out to you guys ) . And well life was just depressing back then .
At 18 , It was college time . We '' bros' pretty much split but we still maintain contact . I went to the same college as my gf ( yea bad decision again ) and Enemy C followed because he still liked her . My gf kept reassure me how she does not like him etc . I believed and obviously it was such a lie . Long story short , he manged to get her and even though she did not tell me i knew she cheated on me way long ago . She was the best manipulative person i've ever met . After we broke up she was still toying around with me saying she love me and she love him and even her best friend . We 3 pretty much caught up in a triangle and hated each other . She was just that good . This was my darkest period of my life . There were maybe about 20 old school friends that came to my college and only 2 ( and i was not even close to them before that ) supported me . All of them either went to Enemy C side or just didn't bother . It was such a shocking experience .
I switch college after that , i was to weak to handle it . They were practically making out infront of my everyday . Came to this college where 4 of my bros were in and i started to find my life back again . I realized it would not be the same anymore . It used to be people who wanted to talk to me without me putting any effort but now it is the other way round and i deserve that because it was mainly my fault. And i did it , i manged to get back my friends , meet new friends and even became closer to friends that i was not close to . Life was good again . But i was scarred . I no longer trust people easily and i am very insecure towards friendship/trust .
Even though i managed to get back on track , i started seeing things that i couldn't believe if you told me a few years ago . There was once my parents went overseas and 1 of my '' bro '' lived just 200 m away from me . I asked if he could fetch me to college ( same college ) for a week ? And well he started giving excuses and i knew he didn't want to . I started seeing some of my close guy friends trying to take advantage of their friend's gf ( 1 of them was the one that kiss my ex ) . And i knew if i had a hot gf and she was drunk , they would not hesitate to fuck her . I started hearing backstabbing stories where they could act so nice in front of you but behind you they would say the worst stuff . As much as i tried to ignore i can't help but to think about it .
I also started noticing some stuff . It is always me who approach me best girlfriends ( i have 3 , i do not consider best friend like how i treated best friend B but they were the closest girl friend so far ) . If i did not call /msn/sms them wtv , they would not do that to me . I started wondering if maybe i am abnormal , maybe it is only me who needed attention ? I start to realized i am a very emotional guy and i needed friends . But lately everything that has happened , apparently , is just the beginning . My dad once told me '' just go out and be happy with all your friends and laugh with them ,but when your in trouble , don't expect any of them to come and help you , that is life '' . I guess i am starting to understand what he is trying to say ...
I guess it went longer than i thought , i should stop here . What are your thoughts on friends ? Are most of them going to betray you some point of your life ? Is it too much for me to expect my friends to approach me ? I started asking myself who do i trust and honestly i cannot name anyone right now ... Thanks for the read .
 
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It's pretty hard to go a lifetime without doing something that would 'betray' someone. The key is to a) notice when your doing it too and b) know what to let slip/go lightly and what not to.
If you can't trust your friends at all, your with the wrong crowd. Can they trust you? And if so, do they know that?
Did you ever outright confront enemy C? Doing the whole alpha male thing might seem mundane but it stops these things from happening, at the worst she will at least break up with you before finding a new relationship.
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On July 04 2011 02:14 gkjin wrote:
I am 19 this year and throughout my life i realized how my view on friends changed many times .
When i was small , at the age of 4-6 friends just meant someone i like to talk to when i was in kindergarten. And whoever i dislike i call them enemy . It was easy , everyone showed their true nature in their purest form . No backstabbing , manipulative etc , at least that was what i remembered . Life was good
Kids are devious o_0 They do all kinds of mean shit, violent when they want, and then lie about it to authority figures or they copy the meanest bullying tactics they find on TV. Some of their plans are more complex than those middle schoolers can come up with.
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"What are your thoughts on friends ?"
A rather cynical motto of mine is, "Friends are nothing more than enemies turned inside out."
However, people do not come into your life if they have nothing to offer you, and vice versa.
Metaphysically speaking, our subconscious projects our thoughts and needs into the universe and the universe is only too eager to offer us that which we need to learn and to grow.
We encounter many people in our lives, but very few, who you can call a true friend - a real friend. So, in one respect your dad is right. On the other hand, there are people who secure long-lasting friendships. *shrugs*
Trying to figure out friendship is almost as bad as searching for the answer to life. lol
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Holy teenage angst, Batman!
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The best friends are those who come to you when you don't want to see them, yet you need them the most. I don't have a lot of friends, because I dont need "false" friends just for the sake of it. Maybe that's the only way to not get disappointed :/
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I think I've come to realize that its not possible to have more than 2-3 really good friends at a given point of time. Sure, you can have a huge circle of "bros", but don't expect them to bite the bullet for you when you're in trouble.
So pick and choose those 2 good friends wisely. Be selfish when you pick these friends, make sure that they are the ones who will give you the most attention. But once you picked the friends, make sure that you keep them happy and do unto them what you would have them do unto you. Learn to read the signs, when they are happy/unhappy and act accordingly. Friendships can be very rewarding if you are lucky enough to pick the right friends.
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On July 04 2011 03:07 Cyber_Cheese wrote:
It's pretty hard to go a lifetime without doing something that would 'betray' someone. The key is to a) notice when your doing it too and b) know what to let slip/go lightly and what not to.
If you can't trust your friends at all, your with the wrong crowd. Can they trust you? And if so, do they know that?
Did you ever outright confront enemy C? Doing the whole alpha male thing might seem mundane but it stops these things from happening, at the worst she will at least break up with you before finding a new relationship.
LOL i don't know how to use the multiple quote function so i'll just reply 1 by 1 . I really like how you handle it with the ''The key is to a) notice when your doing it too and b) know what to let slip/go lightly and what not to. '' I'll give it some thought .
Hmmm i really like the group of people i mix with now but after what i've gone through ( trusted girlfriends with all my heart / no friends supported when break up etc ) i guess i just have trust issues especially because i thought i could trust anyone last time . How naive of me . I guess it depends how you define trust . Trust as in not telling people's secret when they tell you yeah i guess especially since i try not to know too many secret because its easier that way .
Yeah did confront Enemy C , at first he said he didn't like her anymore but it was obviously fake because he went to the same college as her ( she changed twice and he followed twice so its not a coincidence ) , but the girl was extremely talented at manipulating so i believe the girl played a larger role than i think .
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On July 04 2011 05:20 Piledriver wrote:
I think I've come to realize that its not possible to have more than 2-3 really good friends at a given point of time. Sure, you can have a huge circle of "bros", but don't expect them to bite the bullet for you when you're in trouble.
So pick and choose those 2 good friends wisely. Be selfish when you pick these friends, make sure that they are the ones who will give you the most attention. But once you picked the friends, make sure that you keep them happy and do unto them what you would have them do unto you. Learn to read the signs, when they are happy/unhappy and act accordingly. Friendships can be very rewarding if you are lucky enough to pick the right friends.
Hmmm i really agree with this but here is the thing . I have currently 3 so call close girlfriends . Lets give them names . Mary , Daisy , Apple . I really like 3 of them but i realized they almost never approach me if i do not approach them . I'll tell you a little history of them and maybe you could suggest something for me to do since its holidays now .
Mary , i knew her for just about a year . She was 1 of those people who helped me in the college when i broke up . We only see each other face to face for about 6 months before i switched and we maintain friendship through the phone . She was pretty much there for me when i needed her and when she broke up i was there for her too . I guess you could say i trust her but weirdly , she does not approach me first , msn/sms/phone wtv i don't care .
Daisy , knew her for about 6 years . We always told each other our deeper secrets that we don't normally tell people . When i was 14 , she used to call me occasionally just to talk or maybe tell me some of her problems . She is very pretty and attractive . And i guess at 1 point you could say i like her . I do not know why , but i especially care about her . Maybe because i have some feelings for her ? or maybe because i just that soft spot for her . Apparently she treats me as 1 of her closest guy friend ( atleast that is what she told me ) . However we barely talk in real life college mainly because at 1 point i realized liking her was too distracting ( it was last semester of college ) . I just wanted to study and i told myself not to go to her unless she comes to me . And i discovered that she never ever once approach me LOL . I tried asking her once before , and she said that she is a very passive person . I half believed that because i guess she is kind of a shy person but really ? just calling me up or even text me if your shy once in a while is that hard ? I think she is having some problem now and yet she chooses not to approach me so yeah makes me wonder
Apple , same secondary school but only got close to her in college . I find it easier to talk to her as she is more open . Tell her a lot of my stuff . But she just got together with 1 of my '' bros'' and i didn't know anything about it ( not even a single hint ) until everyone started talking about it. I just realized that she does not tell me most of her stuff . Maybe she treats me differently than what i treat her ? Recently she has been rather annoying to me . She started became mood swing-y around me in a funny way ( i really don't know how to describe this part ) It was funny at first but after awhile you know , its not that funny anymore . And people do realized its just me and its not a 1 time mood swing thing .
Anyways i have 3 months holiday now and i've asked all 3 of them out for 1 on1 outing just to catch up . All of them agreed to go out but we were busy the first week of holiday . Normally i can't take it if i don't handle these thoughts in my mind ( mainly because of OCD ) and i would approach them and remind them until we go out . But i have gotten so tired of this . I am just too curious to see if anyone of them will msg me and just say '' hey , wanna go out ? " What do you all think ? How should i handle these 3 different case ? I like 3 of them and i trust them but if i have to always approach them , i don't think i can continue like this ...
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Use reason and logic to pick one to focus on? That would be my course of action and it follows Piledriver's train of thought of maintaining a few good friends.
While general consensus would be to pick the one you are most compatible with, you also want to consider how likely you would be to start a relationship with one, how often the girl changes boyfriends, and how beneficial a relationship with one of them would be. Basically just think about what your life would be like with each one of them separately, and then just go after that one.
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I see this all as a kind of heirarchy:
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It's pretty easy to make friendly acquaintances when you do one activity or another
It's not too hard to put in a little extra effort and make friends out of it
It takes a lot of time and effort for a good friend to arise. It may not feel like "time and effort" because you enjoy their company and get to know them. The bonds you share grow deeper over time.
Best friends are the hardest to get, but certainly the most rewarding. Not only have you been good friends for a while, but you know each others' lives, how they think, and even their darkest secrets. These are the people who will not only answer the phone in the middle of the night when you call, but come and bail you out of jail after hanging up!
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Acquaintances are abundant. If you're a sociable person, you can turn a lot of them into friends. Since you probably don't have the time, you'll have a lot less good friends. Personally, I only have two best friends, and we got that way by helping each other through some VERY rough patches in our lives. That's not a prerequisite, but supporting each other should go without saying.
My "hierarchy" is for friends on a platonic level. Obviously romantic interests can take drastically difference paths or try to rush the varying steps.
In the end, make as many friends as you can. From them, see those who emerge as good friends. Best friends seem to arise over time, so don't panic if years go by and you don't think you have any. The WORST thing you can do is try to lone-wolf life. It's not because it's impossible (it's actually VERY possible), but it's incredibly lonely and in the end, not worth it!
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Servius_Fulvius said some really insightful things...
I just wanted to add that by loving someone, you automatically give them the power to destroy you. You just TRUST the other party not to use that power.
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Real friends won't betray you badly, but it still doesn't make it impossible. What makes it bad is how much you rely on those friends, and to prevent that the best course of action is to make as many friends as you can.
+ Show Spoiler [Over Time] +Friendships grow, change, evolve, and sometimes die. Some friends will migrate in and out of your core group, and others will migrate in and out of the group entirely. Your core group of friends will always persevere through most of life however, because you people genuinely are friends. Real friends care to stick around no matter what, and just give a nonchalant 'screw you' to those that don't.
+ Show Spoiler [The Core Group] +You should not have one 'core group' of friends either. You will have university friends, and high school friends, and eventually work friends (although I'd be cautious of devoting too much time to this group - work and life should be separate). By having a couple core groups reflecting different modes of your life, you give yourself a broad security net of people who will help you out in good times and bad.
+ Show Spoiler [The most important thing.] +Loyalty is all that matters. Unless someone commits a gross offense, petty squabbles are never worth losing a friendship over. What's most important is if they'll still stick by you even after those points of high tension. Another good benchmark is when they show genuine moments of sincerity with you, like when you are in times of need. When my grandmother died all my friends came to the funeral home - those are my true friends.
+ Show Spoiler [Final note.] +Never burn bridges. Times of trial may put your friendships on the rocks, but through time those friendships my spring up again, you just needed time to cool off. It is because of this that friendships outlast many relationships, because in relationships people tend not to want to take that time to be separate and cool off.
+ Show Spoiler [ I forgot, WOMEN] +Having girl friends is totally cool. But don't ever girlfriends (note the difference) spoil your friendships. Chances are that your friendships will outlast that woman, and there is no point in allowing her to make you ruin a good thing for something that many already be bad. Women are not really worth it in the long run, no matter how much your love-goggles may make it appear to be wrong.
Remember too that when you hang out with just your guy friends it is different than when girls are there. Girls skew the activities you do. Always take the time to do the things that you want with your male friends some times. For example - my friends and I often play Mario Kart until 4 o'clock in the morning. If you think the girls in our group would participate in that you're insane - they usually expire at 1:00. No stamina.
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so sick .. thanks man you guys really gave some good replies . Appreciate it . Seems like i'm not the only one thinking/having these problems . I've been thinking about why some of my closest friends do not approach me . And i remembered 1 of my friend saying that true friends do not need to talk to each other constantly , its just a feeling that they are always there . I'm not sure if i totally agree on that but what i do realized is that maybe its just me that needed to 'express' my feelings more than normal people , hence the need to call them up and update/catch up . Because i've asked 1 of my close guy friends whether he has this need of calling people up and talk and he said no . So yeah ...
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EPT
