[h]Critique my story!

“I’m dying…”

“Oh, you are not. Stop complaining.”

“But I haven’t eaten in, like, ten hours! I’m going to waste away…”

“Fine.”

Ericka took one last handful and threw her bag of spicy potato chips over the table to Josh, her boyfriend Razi’s roommate. She had known him now for little over a year now and they had become fairly close. Close enough for her to not mind giving him the last few remaining crumbs of a nearly empty bag.

“Aw, c’mon. What’s this trash?” Josh hissed immediately after he felt the bag’s light weight. He spun around on his chair to get underneath the light and peered inside for a better look. “I thought we were friends.”

“Oh, we are,” chuckled Ericka, “I just didn’t want to spoil your appetite before dinner.”

“Yeah right, that’s impossible. Razi probably skipped town with our money anyway.”

“All nine dollars of it?”

“ Haha, yeah. I wouldn’t put it past him.”

At this, Ericka grinned. It did not seem like something he would do, but it was still funny anyway.



Razi looked down at the clock on his cell phone and grimaced. He had been waiting for eight minutes now and was still fifth in line. It was all expected of course. Every time the pizza store held a student appreciation day and offered extremely discounted pies the place immediately became congested with college students trying to get the most out of their meager budgets.

A couple of female students in front of him wearing trendy school colored gym clothes turned to each other and started chatting loudly over the general noise of the store, “This is ridiculous.”

“I know. Every time I come here it’s like this.”

“We totally should have gone to the Sub Shop instead.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

“Okay, but you are driving this time.”

“Fine,” the more attractive of the two girls said. With this, they both turned out of the line and forcefully threaded their way through the mass of bodies, heading for the door.

A kid who looked as if he had been working in a pizza store that had been under heavy, constant activity for seven hours straight slowly waddled over to a closed register and flipped a switch. After typing a few numbers on the keypad he regretfully announced, “I can help someone over here.”

This signaled the start of a maddening dash as the students in the back of the line quickly tried to outsprint the ones in the front to the new register. Razi had anticipated this, though, and took up a defensive stance, effectively blocking off their path and sealing up the first spot for himself.

“Can I help you?”

“Yes, could I have two medium pizzas – one with ham and the other with pepperoni, please” said Razi, as he fished around in his back pocket for his wallet.

“Is that all?” dryly asked the kid. With a nod from Razi, he continued, “That will be $10.70 please. Your pizzas will be done in about ten minutes.”

After receiving his change, Razi took up an empty booth near the counter and pulled out his cell phone. In order to waste some time, he started scrolling through his pictures, deleting the ones he no longer cared for: a close-up of a friend taking a shot of cheap vodka, a different friend sitting on a recliner flipping the camera off, an off-center picture of a huge battleship he had taken while vacationing on the coast, a picture of a homeless man who seemed to be chasing…

The picture disappeared and was replaced with large, blinking text that read ‘INCOMING CALL FROM Ericka’. Razi quickly clicked the green Talk button and flipped the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

“Hey Razi,” answered Ericka, “We are starving – where are you?”

“Still at the pizza place. Everyone is going nuts, but I managed to get our order in without breaking any bones.” said Razi, only half joking.

“How much was it?”

Razi hesitantly answered, “Ten seventy,” Something outside the large glass window that served as a wall had caught his eye. A crowd of about five large students, presumably members of the football team by their clothes, were sprinting down the narrow two lane road leading from campus to the pizza store.



“Hello… ?” questioned Ericka.

Looking over at Ericka’s puzzled face, Josh laughed, “Haha, what wrong now?” He had taken up residence on his bed which occupied the greater right half of their rather small dorm room. It was also conveniently facing the television, which was showing reruns of a stand-up comedy show.

“I’m st…ll here,” replied Razi.

With a confused face, Ericka asked, “What is all that noise in the background?? Where are you?”

“St… at the pi…a store… A gr…p of guys …st ran into here…”

“Razi I can’t hear you! Talk louder!” shouted Ericka. Her expression changed from confusion to one of terror. The campus was safe enough, but there was recently a stabbing just off the grounds. Looking for some quick cash, a presumed crack head had viciously attacked a student who was waiting at the local bus stop.

“Holy …uck, they are attacki…,” shouted Razi.

Josh, able to hear the louder than normal conversation sat up and moved to the edge of his bed that was closest to Ericka. All too aware of the stabbing himself, he no longer was smiling. “What going on?” he demanded.

A deafening crash was heard on the other end of the telephone line, which was followed by loud screams.

“On…f them just ta…cled through the gl…ss. I have to …ucking get th.. hell out of here…”

At this, Ericka let out a short gasp that would no longer be contained. Josh urgently motioned for the phone. When it was passed to him, he shouted into it, “What’s going on, dude? You want me to come down there?!”

“I’m …most to m… car. Jus.. wait. I’m comm…g back now…”

“You sure, dude?”

“Yeah… Dude…they were fuc…ng … eating people…”