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#nvnplatypus you are right, of course. I've changed it, although it saddened me. But can you understand how many college students who would try to take advantage of that deal of 3$ a pizza? When they host that deal, the line is wrapping around outside and the drivethrough is spilling out onto the regular road, backing up traffic. Its rediculous and if ever there were a zombie attack, this would not be the place I would want to be stuck. You cant just order on the phone, because the phone is constantly engaged, and when you do get through after an hour of trying, you have the pleasure of finding out there is a three hour wait. This means everyone piles into the store itself.
#Lemonwalrus, how can I take offense when people keep giving nothing but solid advice? ^^ I'm used to recieving critiques much worse than these from my professors (both in quality and language). And I plan for this to be a 2-300 page book.
I also forgot last night that today is Father's Day! (happy father's day all you dads!). Because of this, I probably wont be able to write anything more until later tonight, or in the worst case, none at all today. Stick with me though, I fully plan to keep this thing going ^^ Thanks everyone
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Korea (South)11583 Posts
I really like it since I'm kinda obsessed with zombie shit  28 weeks later, 28 days later, Planet Terror, Resident Evil, Silent Hill, all fucking amazing!
On to critique your writing, all I can say is that I would add some more details as to the pizza store, how the zombies got in there (from what I read they jumped through the glass?) and how many people got out as well as Josh. And just randomly attacking zombies? How did the zombies come to be?
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I think it is going too fast... But since I´m taking this as some kind of "writting degustation", just remeber to slow it down when going for the real thing, it is important to set the mood before getting to the climax (I assume that the climax to most of the zombie fans would be the slaughtering), just like sex.
About the pizza price, keep in mind your public, for whom are you writting? The cultural diversity in tl.net is huge (I am from Brazil for instance, which explains my english btw lol), so you have to make sure that logic remains pertinent, even in small details like this. It´s not like I am going to trash a good story because the pizza price in my country is totally different, however paying attention to the details will prevent major mistakes that could ruin your story. Remeber that if want it to be a blockbuster (otherwise ignore it).
Keep coming!
ps.: Is Claire Redfield showing as well? plz plz !! lol....
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I thought this was going to be a sex story after I read the first four lines. I was quite disappointed.
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throw some more background in before the action starts
itll help develop your story, and even though background seems boring, everyone will expect it at the beginning anyway.
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Korea (South)11583 Posts
the price of pizza was right. You can get pizza like that for that price in USA. sometimes cheaper.
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I will echo what some of the others have said. It doesn't sound altogether natural (some of the dialogue, descriptions are somewhat awkward), and it seems like the action started... way too fast. That attack would be on like, the second page, if this were a real, printed book.
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Best damn tale I've read all day.
But I kept expecting Ninjas but they never came 
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United States5465 Posts
On June 17 2007 09:53 davidgurt wrote:
I thought this was going to be a sex story after I read the first four lines. I was quite disappointed.
I actually thought that too, as I jumped right in without reading his intro post.
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On June 16 2007 23:37 BroOd wrote:
I've read over your opening, and here's what I think so far.
In regards to your choice of genre, I think there's plenty of room for a creative person to expound upon Zombie fiction. Most Zombie stories fall squarely under an umbrella of cliches, where pre-established notions of the rules are taken as canonical, and writers are unable to divorce themselves of what Zombies are. The best Zombie works, in my opinion, are those that are unafraid to change what everyone thinks. Maybe Zombies don't really lurch around slowly. Maybe they aren't as physically different as we imagine. Maybe we wouldn't notice them in a crowd. At the end of the day, there's plenty of places a creative mind can take a Zombie story so long as the author is willing to throw out convention, and realized his own personal vision.
As per your execution so far, the following is simply the opinion of one man, and I hope you'll accept is as such.
I think when you open a story like this with a heavy dialogue pacing, you deprive the reader of valuable exposition. It may feel naturalistic, but it places us into the environment too abruptly. A writer has to be equally aware of the world he's creating as he is of the character's he's creating. Dropping us in the middle of a conversation is a mistake if it isn't done for a very deliberate purpose.
Another thing to note is the inclusion of superfluous details or characters. The two girls in line do nothing to further the story. You've already told us that the pizza place gets crowded, so their entrance and exit changes nothing for us. It just reiterates what we already know. Almost everything after their departure until that first cell phone call could've been taken care of with one efficient paragraph.
I won't comment anymore until I read the next part of the story. Remember: re-read whatever you write and judge each and every detail on it's relevance to the story and interest to the reader. If it seems like I'm being to overly-analitic it's only because I want your story to turn out well =].
that's the sexiest critique and possibly the most intelligent post anyone has posted on tl
nice writing
are you an english major/writer/professor
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there were some things in there that sounded kind of weird and also there were some typos i think
hopefully this is a first draft
“Is that all?” dryly asked the kid
i dunno if "dryly asked" sounds right, but i guess u might know more than i do
here are some typos i found while reading
Looking over at Ericka’s puzzled face, Josh laughed, “Haha, what wrong now?”
whats*?
Every time the pizza store held a student appreciation day and offered extremely discounted pies
prices*?
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United States5465 Posts
^^Pies is another way to say pizzas.
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to the op
i'm a little more fond of writing poetry than prose myself too
care to share some of your portfolio
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I updated the text a bit, as well as added the extremely rough draft of the next couple paragraphs. I'm also going to move this discussion to my newly formed blog (made it just for the story), so if you are still interested in helping out, that will be the new place to do it at.
Blog and updated text can be found here: http://www.teamliquid.net/blog/zapling
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I liked the story. However, I didn't feel as though the characters were adequately described. All I know about Josh is that he's Razi's roomate, and that Ericka is Razi's girlfriend. I learned nearly nothing, except that Josh gets grumpy when he's hungry.
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EPT
