EPTDating: How's your luck? - Page 689
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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IgnE
United States7684 Posts
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States46541 Posts
On September 05 2015 11:04 IgnE wrote: So would you classify that as an obligation to "have sex" of some kind? I think the difference with that is that oral sex can literally have turns taken between giving and receiving. In vaginal sex (and, while we were talking about that more specifically, I probably should have repeated the qualifier of "vaginal"), you guys are doing it together, at the same time. So there's not that level of reciprocation- either you're both doing it, or neither are. No amount of flowers or dinner should create an expectation for sex. | ||
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Yoav
United States1874 Posts
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IgnE
United States7684 Posts
@ Yoav So if you were hooking up with a girl and went down on her and she had a toe-curling orgasm after you were down there for like 15 or 20 minutes and you come up and she says to you, "this doesn't mean I'm going to go down on you or have sex with you, because I'm not that kind of girl" you would just be fine with it? | ||
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BruceLee6783
United States196 Posts
I'm 32 years old and have been dating off and on for roughly 16 years. For 16 years I have been told to do more and more to keep women happy. But no one's told me what women are doing to keep me happy. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States46541 Posts
On September 05 2015 12:06 IgnE wrote: I'm confused though. Are you backtracking because there is an obligation to "have sex" of some kind or are you just saying you would want sex after having given it (but that there is still no obligation, whatever an obligation is)? I'm not backtracking; I'm trying to make my position clearer by restating that we were talking about vaginal sex, not a tit-for-tat action like oral sex. My original statements were in response to how people were (or were not) suggesting that given a nice dinner or some other date context, a woman (or man) might be expected to put out... as in, they're obligated to engage sexually because of some arbitrary date expectation. Reciprocation of things like oral sex is one thing, but my original statement of "No one is ever obligated to have sex with their date, ever. First date or otherwise, male or female, dinner or no dinner." was aimed (in context) towards the expectation a man (or woman) might have of his (or her) date to put out merely because he (or she) was nice, or picked up the check, or anything like that. As in, if the date ends with only a kiss or a hug or *something that isn't sex*, one of them shouldn't feel *cheated* (except, possibly, with prostitution, as was also pointed out earlier). I hope that makes more sense. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States46541 Posts
On September 05 2015 14:01 BruceLee6783 wrote: It's strange how there's a presumption of "innocence" given to women that may not always be deserving of it. Psychology refers to this as a "halo effect". I'm 32 years old and have been dating off and on for roughly 16 years. For 16 years I have been told to do more and more to keep women happy. But no one's told me what women are doing to keep me happy. It definitely goes both ways, but as far as psychology (and I think you mean cultural stereotypes) goes, labels given to women (especially those who are single/ looking for dates/ hookups) are far more varied than men. While it's true some of them are labeled as innocent or vulnerable or weak or *should be wooed by the man*, there are just as many who are mislabeled as slutty, easy, manipulative maneaters. None of these stereotypes are helpful for either sex, to be honest. Your last sentence seems kind of selfish, honestly. You haven't given any background information about how you treat women (except for the fact that people have been telling you for 16 years that you aren't treating them well enough), and yet you expect women to bend over backwards for you? Plenty of men and women are willing to play the dating/ affection/ wooing game properly, and many aren't. If you're striking out a ton with women, it may be the case that they're all shitty people... but you're still the common thread, so be open towards introspection. | ||
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farvacola
United States18869 Posts
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States46541 Posts
On September 05 2015 22:16 farvacola wrote: My girlfriend usually prefers that only I cum, but she's a weirdo I think that's a pretty interesting fact. Does she not want to be pleasured sexually? Or maybe she's too shy or something? I wonder why that is. | ||
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BruceLee6783
United States196 Posts
On September 05 2015 14:44 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Your last sentence seems kind of selfish, honestly. You haven't given any background information about how you treat women (except for the fact that people have been telling you for 16 years that you aren't treating them well enough), and yet you expect women to bend over backwards for you? I started out as the stereotypical "nice guy". I got dumped a lot. I had a hard time dealing with it. I used to wonder wtf was wrong with me. I changed my attitudes and approach many times. It never worked honestly. It wasn't until I started considering the possibility that maybe my approach wasn't the problem, but perhaps it was the mentality and expectations of the women I had encountered that were frustrating me to no end. Under this reframing of the situation my dating luck has drastically changed for the better! I'm much happier and more confident in myself now. Of course my evidence is all anecdotal. But I strongly urge anyone going through what I went through to try out a new perspective. Cheers | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States46541 Posts
On September 06 2015 00:03 BruceLee6783 wrote: I started out as the stereotypical "nice guy". I got dumped a lot. I had a hard time dealing with it. I used to wonder wtf was wrong with me. I changed my attitudes and approach many times. It never worked honestly. It wasn't until I started considering the possibility that maybe my approach wasn't the problem, but perhaps it was the mentality and expectations of the women I had encountered that were frustrating me to no end. Under this reframing of the situation my dating luck has drastically changed for the better! I'm much happier and more confident in myself now. Of course my evidence is all anecdotal. But I strongly urge anyone going through what I went through to try out a new perspective. Cheers Being confident is an incredibly important aspect of dating  If you were bending over backwards to try and appease your dates as the nice guy without any expectation of reciprocation, that was definitely a huge issue. I don't think that society really impresses upon guys that they should be doing 100% of the commitment and wooing and work in the relationship, but either way I'm glad that your dating luck has improved! | ||
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BruceLee6783
United States196 Posts
On September 05 2015 14:44 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Being confident is an incredibly important aspect of dating If you were bending over backwards to try and appease your dates as the nice guy without any expectation of reciprocation, that was definitely a huge issue. I don't think that society really impresses upon guys that they should be doing 100% of the commitment and wooing and work in the relationship, but either way I'm glad that your dating luck has improved! Thanks! And yeah, bending over backwards was definitely one of many mistakes I made. You would think many women would appreciate someone who bends over backwards but sadly I never felt appreciation for it. Being as blunt and honest as I can possibly be has been working out for me these days. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
The honesty thing is really strange. We went camping for one night yesterday, and I told my gf stuff like my shit myself in a club story, boner fails, she saw my diary where she found an entry where I wrote that I masturbate while thinking about "her name+ "the others"" and she always tells me that she should be disgusted by that stuff, but strangely isn't because the confident/honest tone I used | ||
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BruceLee6783
United States196 Posts
On September 06 2015 04:16 LemOn wrote: Yeah, and that you are there to see if SHE is good for you, not try to manipulate her into liking you. The honesty thing is really strange. We went camping for one night yesterday, and I told my gf stuff like my shit myself in a club story, boner fails, she saw my diary where she found an entry where I wrote that I masturbate while thinking about "her name+ "the others"" and she always tells me that she should be disgusted by that stuff, but strangely isn't because the confident/honest tone I used Yes that's exactly how I feel also. I am guilty of looking for things to say and ways to dress to strike an attraction with a potential mate but the only thing that seems to work for me is to treat a date as a screening process. | ||
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Calanthe
United States148 Posts
On September 05 2015 14:01 BruceLee6783 wrote: I'm 32 years old and have been dating off and on for roughly 16 years. For 16 years I have been told to do more and more to keep women happy. But no one's told me what women are doing to keep me happy. All you need to do is pick up a copy of any issue of Cosmopolitan or the like. 82 SUPER SECRET SECRETS TO KEEP HIM SATISFIED!! 21 SECRET SEX SECRETS TO BLOW HIS MIND!! Just look. Also, I have like a super fundamental issue with your complaint but I'm not able to word it very well. Women aren't here to keep you happy or to make you happy - similarly, your sole purpose of existence isn't to make or keep a woman happy. | ||
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BruceLee6783
United States196 Posts
On September 06 2015 09:07 Calanthe wrote: All you need to do is pick up a copy of any issue of Cosmopolitan or the like. 82 SUPER SECRET SECRETS TO KEEP HIM SATISFIED!! 21 SECRET SEX SECRETS TO BLOW HIS MIND!! Just look. Also, I have like a super fundamental issue with your complaint but I'm not able to word it very well. Women aren't here to keep you happy or to make you happy - similarly, your sole purpose of existence isn't to make or keep a woman happy. I think you might be misunderstanding what I wrote. I don't treat women as if they should be my personal slave or anything like that. I simply believe that my time, money and standards/criteria are just as important as hers. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States46541 Posts
On September 06 2015 14:10 BruceLee6783 wrote: I think you might be misunderstanding what I wrote. I don't treat women as if they should be my personal slave or anything like that. I simply believe that my time, money and standards/criteria are just as important as hers. As you should. The wording of your original post kind of made it seem like you thought that women as a whole owed you back for being such an overly nice guy years ago, as if now it was their turn to bend over backwards for you. But I think you clarified your position in later comments, regarding fair and mutual interest and commitment. | ||
KwarK
United States44392 Posts
On September 06 2015 14:10 BruceLee6783 wrote: I think you might be misunderstanding what I wrote. I don't treat women as if they should be my personal slave or anything like that. I simply believe that my time, money and standards/criteria are just as important as hers. Why wouldn't they be? You get to define how your relationship works with your participation. Find a partner who respects you or take your balls and go home. | ||
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BruceLee6783
United States196 Posts
On September 06 2015 22:39 KwarK wrote:You get to define how your relationship works with your participation. Find a partner who respects you or take your balls and go home. Pretty much. No one expects women to tolerate an unpleasant relationship. Men don't have to either. | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
) for that time and goodbye to all the progress I made this year -.-.Walking does hurt at the moment, but the pain is tolerable and as long as I don't do it to much I am allowed to, I should refrain from using stairs a lot though. Any suggestions for couple activities under the given circumstances, besides cinema/theatre/concerts? | ||
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