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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On May 14 2015 20:19 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On May 14 2015 20:04 Ghostcom wrote:On May 14 2015 19:31 puerk wrote:On May 14 2015 19:21 LemOn wrote:On May 14 2015 15:41 Najda wrote:
How do you deal with the fact that you can't have someone? I've had feelings for this girl for almost two years and they just don't go away. I haven't even talked to her or seen her in 8 months, I've been on dates with other girls, but still I'm always stuck on her. Meet more people, push yourself out of your comfort zone if it means talking to girls you find attractive on the street and asking them out, so be it. You'll eventually find one that knocks your socks off, problem solved. Talking to girls on the street, asking them out? Almost all the women i know, find that creepy or annoying. On the street, they are not hanging out, they are doing something (going to work, uni, shopping etc) and are not in de mood or looking for that kind of attention. My current girlfriend has been on a date with a guy who asked her out on the street. She found it showed great confidence. It can definitely work, but requires them to have good time and you to not be creepy. Yeah, you're limiting yourself to the same social circle/club scene if you just get girls at parties - and since the guy was hung up on one girl for 2 years and the dates he was on weren't working out he should definitely try to widen his circle if the girls he's taking out aren't doing it for him. And I don't know about you I definitely wouldn't mind if a girl walked up to me, told me she just had to come over because I look like a really interesting guy and she'd like to grab a coffee sometime. Then just smiled and walked away if I said no and showed closed body language. No matter if I say yes or no if I were busy/didn't like her - would you really find that creepy? And women usually respond the same way, if you just go up to them and are just straight up honest calm, and laid back. And if they tell you to fuckoff - so what. You weren't with her before then and you're not with her now. Besides, it never really happens, girls hate confrontation so they will virtually always shoot you down nicely
Well I'm on summer break now but during the school year I regularly talked to other girls. In each of my classes I always sit next to the most attractive girl I see, though being an engineer that selection is fairly limited (and each has had a boyfriend). I haven't really done completely cold approaches, because I'd been meeting new girls through school, work, and friends that I didn't have the need to. Back in my hometown for the summer there's much less opportunity as just about everyone here is <18 or >40, and there's no "street" to walk around at.
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On May 14 2015 20:34 puerk wrote:Show nested quote +On May 14 2015 20:19 LemOn wrote:On May 14 2015 20:04 Ghostcom wrote:On May 14 2015 19:31 puerk wrote:On May 14 2015 19:21 LemOn wrote:On May 14 2015 15:41 Najda wrote:
How do you deal with the fact that you can't have someone? I've had feelings for this girl for almost two years and they just don't go away. I haven't even talked to her or seen her in 8 months, I've been on dates with other girls, but still I'm always stuck on her. Meet more people, push yourself out of your comfort zone if it means talking to girls you find attractive on the street and asking them out, so be it. You'll eventually find one that knocks your socks off, problem solved. Talking to girls on the street, asking them out? Almost all the women i know, find that creepy or annoying. On the street, they are not hanging out, they are doing something (going to work, uni, shopping etc) and are not in de mood or looking for that kind of attention. My current girlfriend has been on a date with a guy who asked her out on the street. She found it showed great confidence. It can definitely work, but requires them to have good time and you to not be creepy. Yeah, you're limiting yourself to the same social circle/club scene if you just get girls at parties - and since the guy was hung up on one girl for 2 years and the dates he was on weren't working out he should definitely try to widen his circle and the girls he's taking out aren't doing it for him. And I don't know about you I definitely wouldn't mind if a girl walked up to me, told me she just had to come over because I look like a really interesting guy and she'd like to grab a coffee sometime. No matter if I say yes or no if I were busy - would you really find that creepy? Your experiences seem pretty far from most women getting approached on the street. Are you actually positing that there is 0 imbalance in social norms between gender on approachability? I would also like if a women would approach me because i rarely get this kind of attention. Those women i referenced get attention to often, and randomly approached in the streets is just annoying. That makes a huge difference... Show nested quote +And women usually respond the same way, if you just go up to them and are just straight up honest calm, and laid back. And if they tell you to fuckoff - so what. You weren't with her before then and you're not with her now.
Besides, it never really happens, girls hate confrontation so they will virtually always shoot you down nicely I have the feeling there is a severe selection bias at play here. Almost all the women i talk to classify a huge chunk of random on the street approaches as creepy/annoying. Just because you never experienced it does not mean that none of the women you approached thought this way, or that everyone else will make the same experience as you.
Yeah, never happened to me that a girl would approach me, I'm just illustrating a point.
And yeah I would expect that - most guys prolly hide behind pickup lines to avoid rejection are being creepy and not genuine, stick around even when she shows negative body language etc. Just try to go out, be your honest true self, talk to a few girls you find interesting like you would to anyone else and tell me what happened. If you ever get anything worse than "No Thank you" I will eat my words.
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On May 14 2015 20:45 Najda wrote:Show nested quote +On May 14 2015 20:19 LemOn wrote:On May 14 2015 20:04 Ghostcom wrote:On May 14 2015 19:31 puerk wrote:On May 14 2015 19:21 LemOn wrote:On May 14 2015 15:41 Najda wrote:
How do you deal with the fact that you can't have someone? I've had feelings for this girl for almost two years and they just don't go away. I haven't even talked to her or seen her in 8 months, I've been on dates with other girls, but still I'm always stuck on her. Meet more people, push yourself out of your comfort zone if it means talking to girls you find attractive on the street and asking them out, so be it. You'll eventually find one that knocks your socks off, problem solved. Talking to girls on the street, asking them out? Almost all the women i know, find that creepy or annoying. On the street, they are not hanging out, they are doing something (going to work, uni, shopping etc) and are not in de mood or looking for that kind of attention. My current girlfriend has been on a date with a guy who asked her out on the street. She found it showed great confidence. It can definitely work, but requires them to have good time and you to not be creepy. Yeah, you're limiting yourself to the same social circle/club scene if you just get girls at parties - and since the guy was hung up on one girl for 2 years and the dates he was on weren't working out he should definitely try to widen his circle if the girls he's taking out aren't doing it for him. And I don't know about you I definitely wouldn't mind if a girl walked up to me, told me she just had to come over because I look like a really interesting guy and she'd like to grab a coffee sometime. Then just smiled and walked away if I said no and showed closed body language. No matter if I say yes or no if I were busy/didn't like her - would you really find that creepy? And women usually respond the same way, if you just go up to them and are just straight up honest calm, and laid back. And if they tell you to fuckoff - so what. You weren't with her before then and you're not with her now. Besides, it never really happens, girls hate confrontation so they will virtually always shoot you down nicely Well I'm on summer break now but during the school year I regularly talked to other girls. In each of my classes I always sit next to the most attractive girl I see, though being an engineer that selection is fairly limited (and each has had a boyfriend). I haven't really done completely cold approaches, because I'd been meeting new girls through school, work, and friends that I didn't have the need to. Back in my hometown for the summer there's much less opportunity as just about everyone here is <18 or >40, and there's no "street" to walk around at.
Yeah that's what I mean, you'll just meet girls that work at your job or that are engineering students(and those are a very specific breed), that seems really limiting to me - maybe you like girls that do sports/have interests different from yours that would make them a lot more attractive for you and you could forget about that Muai Thai chick 
I know it's tough in smaller towns though
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On May 14 2015 20:41 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On May 14 2015 20:11 puerk wrote:
It is definitly not for someone who does not have the urge to do it by himself. Doing it because of outside influence (forum advice) will just be forced and weird, and will have frustrating and terrible results (as most women are not accessible in unmotivated situations on the street). Yeah,no. The frustrating and terrible result in 99% means "no thank you" and you walking away. Actually feeling good about summoning the courage to do it. But if you never see girls you find interesting when you go shopping, or waiting for the bus, or just walking down the street then sure, no point in doing it.
You do not seem to understand that other human beings have other emotional experiences, and that extrapolating from your experiences does not yield the optimal solution for everyone. Or that there even automatically exists one. When someone gives "easy" advice on an extremly complicated and diverse topic, they usually do not understand it, but just lucked through it.
I never have approached a women outside my social setting for the purpose of dating and i never could, as it feels wrong for me and my social understanding.
It is the same talk about why long term unemployed people just dont pull themselfs up by their bootstraps and just work like everyone else. Totally ignoring that different people have different experiences and the brain and mode of thinking/feeling/acting is much more restrained and involuntary as the personal responsibility crowd likes to claim.
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On May 14 2015 20:53 puerk wrote:Show nested quote +On May 14 2015 20:41 LemOn wrote:On May 14 2015 20:11 puerk wrote:
It is definitly not for someone who does not have the urge to do it by himself. Doing it because of outside influence (forum advice) will just be forced and weird, and will have frustrating and terrible results (as most women are not accessible in unmotivated situations on the street). Yeah,no. The frustrating and terrible result in 99% means "no thank you" and you walking away. Actually feeling good about summoning the courage to do it. But if you never see girls you find interesting when you go shopping, or waiting for the bus, or just walking down the street then sure, no point in doing it. You do not seem to understand that other human beings have other emotional experiences, and that extrapolating from your experiences does not yield the optimal solution for everyone. Or that there even automatically exists one. When someone gives "easy" advice on an extremly complicated and diverse topic, they usually do not understand it, but just lucked through it. I never have approached a women outside my social setting for the purpose of dating and i never could, as it feels wrong for me and my social understanding. It is the same talk about why long term unemployed people just dont pull themselfs up by their bootstraps and just work like everyone else. Totally ignoring that different people have different experiences and the brain and mode of thinking/feeling/acting is much more restrained and involuntary as the personal responsibility crowd likes to claim.
I have approached literally thousands of unknown people in my life, door to door and I study this subject quite a bit.
Why exactly does it feel wrong to you apart from the lack of confidence and fear of rejection to go up to a girl you don't know and you find interesting and just saying "hi"? Sure, say 99 will walk away, but you marry the 100th and you make her happy for the rest of her life - how can you deny her that and keep only to your social circle?
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p: "Your experience is not representative"
L: "but i have a really really good exerperience"
.. exactly...
Why exactly does it feel wrong to you apart from the lack of confidence and fear of rejection
Who ever said i have a lack of confidence?
I know pretty well what i can do and what i can't. I am confident in my proficiencies and aware of my shortcommings. Fear of rejection is also not a factor, and i never mentioned it as part of my personal reasoning. My aversion to cold approaches is general and not confined to dating topics. I engage when there is an obvious socially covenant or generally agreeable cause for the interaction. For instance when i walk the dog of a friend of mine, i approach people and ask them if the dog can play with theirs (i.e. if they would object to me letting him do his thing) and other related things. The same is true in other situations of life where the approach is decidedly better than the nonapproach. But that is not the case for approaching for the purpose of dating.
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On May 14 2015 20:45 Najda wrote:Show nested quote +On May 14 2015 20:19 LemOn wrote:On May 14 2015 20:04 Ghostcom wrote:On May 14 2015 19:31 puerk wrote:On May 14 2015 19:21 LemOn wrote:On May 14 2015 15:41 Najda wrote:
How do you deal with the fact that you can't have someone? I've had feelings for this girl for almost two years and they just don't go away. I haven't even talked to her or seen her in 8 months, I've been on dates with other girls, but still I'm always stuck on her. Meet more people, push yourself out of your comfort zone if it means talking to girls you find attractive on the street and asking them out, so be it. You'll eventually find one that knocks your socks off, problem solved. Talking to girls on the street, asking them out? Almost all the women i know, find that creepy or annoying. On the street, they are not hanging out, they are doing something (going to work, uni, shopping etc) and are not in de mood or looking for that kind of attention. My current girlfriend has been on a date with a guy who asked her out on the street. She found it showed great confidence. It can definitely work, but requires them to have good time and you to not be creepy. Yeah, you're limiting yourself to the same social circle/club scene if you just get girls at parties - and since the guy was hung up on one girl for 2 years and the dates he was on weren't working out he should definitely try to widen his circle if the girls he's taking out aren't doing it for him. And I don't know about you I definitely wouldn't mind if a girl walked up to me, told me she just had to come over because I look like a really interesting guy and she'd like to grab a coffee sometime. Then just smiled and walked away if I said no and showed closed body language. No matter if I say yes or no if I were busy/didn't like her - would you really find that creepy? And women usually respond the same way, if you just go up to them and are just straight up honest calm, and laid back. And if they tell you to fuckoff - so what. You weren't with her before then and you're not with her now. Besides, it never really happens, girls hate confrontation so they will virtually always shoot you down nicely Well I'm on summer break now but during the school year I regularly talked to other girls. In each of my classes I always sit next to the most attractive girl I see, though being an engineer that selection is fairly limited (and each has had a boyfriend). I haven't really done completely cold approaches, because I'd been meeting new girls through school, work, and friends that I didn't have the need to. Back in my hometown for the summer there's much less opportunity as just about everyone here is <18 or >40, and there's no "street" to walk around at.
When you say "talking" to other girls do you mean sleeping with girls or just talking to them? It's not a surprise you are still hung up on the Muay Thai chick if you haven't slept with anyone since she rejected you.
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On May 15 2015 00:50 IgnE wrote:Show nested quote +On May 14 2015 20:45 Najda wrote:On May 14 2015 20:19 LemOn wrote:On May 14 2015 20:04 Ghostcom wrote:On May 14 2015 19:31 puerk wrote:On May 14 2015 19:21 LemOn wrote:On May 14 2015 15:41 Najda wrote:
How do you deal with the fact that you can't have someone? I've had feelings for this girl for almost two years and they just don't go away. I haven't even talked to her or seen her in 8 months, I've been on dates with other girls, but still I'm always stuck on her. Meet more people, push yourself out of your comfort zone if it means talking to girls you find attractive on the street and asking them out, so be it. You'll eventually find one that knocks your socks off, problem solved. Talking to girls on the street, asking them out? Almost all the women i know, find that creepy or annoying. On the street, they are not hanging out, they are doing something (going to work, uni, shopping etc) and are not in de mood or looking for that kind of attention. My current girlfriend has been on a date with a guy who asked her out on the street. She found it showed great confidence. It can definitely work, but requires them to have good time and you to not be creepy. Yeah, you're limiting yourself to the same social circle/club scene if you just get girls at parties - and since the guy was hung up on one girl for 2 years and the dates he was on weren't working out he should definitely try to widen his circle if the girls he's taking out aren't doing it for him. And I don't know about you I definitely wouldn't mind if a girl walked up to me, told me she just had to come over because I look like a really interesting guy and she'd like to grab a coffee sometime. Then just smiled and walked away if I said no and showed closed body language. No matter if I say yes or no if I were busy/didn't like her - would you really find that creepy? And women usually respond the same way, if you just go up to them and are just straight up honest calm, and laid back. And if they tell you to fuckoff - so what. You weren't with her before then and you're not with her now. Besides, it never really happens, girls hate confrontation so they will virtually always shoot you down nicely Well I'm on summer break now but during the school year I regularly talked to other girls. In each of my classes I always sit next to the most attractive girl I see, though being an engineer that selection is fairly limited (and each has had a boyfriend). I haven't really done completely cold approaches, because I'd been meeting new girls through school, work, and friends that I didn't have the need to. Back in my hometown for the summer there's much less opportunity as just about everyone here is <18 or >40, and there's no "street" to walk around at. When you say "talking" to other girls do you mean sleeping with girls or just talking to them? It's not a surprise you are still hung up on the Muay Thai chick if you haven't slept with anyone since she rejected you.
By talking I mean expressing my interest and in a couple instances went on a "date" and only once anything beyond that. You don't have to sleep with someone to know they aren't that interesting of a person though. I still enjoy other people, I've just not met anyone as interesting or suitable for a long term relationship since her.
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You don't have to sleep with someone to know that they aren't that interesting of a person. But sleeping with a woman, the skin to skin contact, being bathed in her pheromones and hormones is unique experience that can't be gotten doing other things. Its one of the best ways to reset attraction fixation and help you move on from rejection. You might think it's crass but it's literally a chemical phenomenon that's not artificially reproducible.
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On May 15 2015 03:30 IgnE wrote:
You don't have to sleep with someone to know that they aren't that interesting of a person. But sleeping with a woman, the skin to skin contact, being bathed in her pheromones and hormones is unique experience that can't be gotten doing other things. Its one of the best ways to reset attraction fixation and help you move on from rejection. You might think it's crass but it's literally a chemical phenomenon that's not artificially reproducible.
Oh I totally get that, and in the moment and for the next couple days after I'm all about that girl. That's a very physical attraction though, and only as temporary as the time you spend with each other. If there's no attraction to her character then the physical attraction fades as well.
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Your original post was asking how do you deal with not having someone. Finding someone you can spend a long time with is a different problem from getting over this one girl you are talking about.
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This one is about one my best female friends and not exactly about dating... I believe.
I met her for the first time about 2.5 years ago in a lecture, it wasn't easy for me but I pushed myself to talk to her. That turned out pretty well for me, at least in the beginning. We had something like a fling going on for 3-4 months, which was sometimes nice and sometimes awful. This was basically because there were times when she wouldn't stop talking about her ex-bf whom she left like 4 weeks before the two of us met... Whenever she talked about him it felt like she's stabbing my heart. Anyways, after 4 months we ceased contact, because we had a different perception on how to go on.
After about 10 months we met again and it was great, she had a new bf friend, moved together with him and they were pretty happy. In the following months she became one of the best friends I ever had, we met at least once or twice per week and almost every weekend over months months, chatted a lot, hung out together in the university and so on.
Unfortunately things changed in the past 2/3 months, I've seen her maybe three times in the past 2 months, contact declined and she told me that she and her boyfriend will probably seperate. I invited her to my place yesterday to have dinner and watch a movie, sadly the evening was mediocre at most. I had the impression that she was not really interested in seeing me. We talked, watched the movie (were cuddling while watching it) and ate pizza but it just did not feel like in the previous 10 months. Maybe she had a bad day... I don't know.
And on top of that I sense that she's interested in dating her ex-bf again (they guy she left before I asked her 2.5 years ago).
Its just that how things between us developed makes me really really sad.  I want the girl from the past 12 months back.
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On May 14 2015 19:10 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On May 12 2015 14:20 Mikau wrote:On May 12 2015 07:28 [Phantom] wrote:On May 12 2015 07:04 Mikau wrote:
This online dating thing isn't working out so well for me.
Currently like 0 for 15, with 2 replies saying "really nice message but you're not my type", and the rest no reply. It's getting increasingly hard to send genuine messages.
But hey, at least I'm making an effort. That's more than I can say for myself over the past 25 years. Hmmm could you share a little more details about that? Whats the message you are sending? Do you send the message first? I didn't understand the "0 for 15" thing. I meant an 0 for 15 response rate. I basically look through profile pics, and every time I see someone I might be physically attracted to I read their profile. If they then seem like a person I might also like emotionally/intellectually I send them a message. Messages usually are something along the lines of hey/how's it going/how are you <name>, and then 1 or 2 things I noticed about her profile/she has in common with me/I found interesting, commented on it (trying to compliment her on it), and then asking an open question about them. I try not to comment on looks (apart from one or two, who had written so little that my message was literally something like "you have hypnotic eyes, I'd like to drown in them over coffee".). I'm not really doing the thing where you ask completely random questions that are supposed to make you stand out/look quirky, so far everything I've sent out has been genuine. So you see someone you "might be physically attracted to" and then you proceed to not tell them that... Seems like you're not being genuine really - if there's something you like about her, definitely tell her. Cut the filler bullshit "hey/how's it going/how are you <name>" Instead start with "Name!" and then tell her what you like about her, physical or not and how it makes you feel, keep it funny, direct, unique and lighthearted and see how that goes. Online dating is all about the numbers anyways as there's no way to tell if there's chemistry until you meet someone. So don't hold back, tell them why you think they might be awesome ask them for a phone number quickly and when you're starting out go for quantity over quality.
Being genuine isn't the same thing as telling some stranger on the internet everything you liked about them at first glance. I can be very sincere about what in their profile attracted me without talking about their looks. I'm new to this, and so far everything I've read online has literally advised me to never comment on their looks in a first message (the reasoning being, 'they know you're physically attracted to them or you wouldn't be sending a message. Girls like to be valued for their personality over looks on dating sites').
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To the guy earlier saying that he had some trouble finding a nice girl but was opposed to approaching strangers out of the blue: "If you want something you never had before, you have to do something you have never done before." Don't know who said that but it's very true.
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On May 17 2015 04:36 B.I.G. wrote:
To the guy earlier saying that he had some trouble finding a nice girl but was opposed to approaching strangers out of the blue: "If you want something you never had before, you have to do something you have never done before." Don't know who said that but it's very true.
Not sure that makes sense. By that argument you can advise anything without arguing about the actual merits and detriments of the proposal.
You want a girlfriend? wear a furrysuit to the supermarket and start sniffing at the legs and behinds of preferable women!
If you do not like that advice just remember: "If you want something you never had before, you have to do something you have never done before."
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Or you can keep coming up with excuses to not even try to find a girlfriend if you prefer to be alone.
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On May 17 2015 05:57 puerk wrote:Show nested quote +On May 17 2015 04:36 B.I.G. wrote:
To the guy earlier saying that he had some trouble finding a nice girl but was opposed to approaching strangers out of the blue: "If you want something you never had before, you have to do something you have never done before." Don't know who said that but it's very true. Not sure that makes sense. By that argument you can advise anything without arguing about the actual merits and detriments of the proposal. You want a girlfriend? wear a furrysuit to the supermarket and start sniffing at the legs and behinds of preferable women! If you do not like that advice just remember: "If you want something you never had before, you have to do something you have never done before."
This makes no sense. He's not saying all new things are ways to attract somebody, he's merely saying you can't keep doing the same thing expecting different results. If you want to date outside of your current circle you're going to have to move outside of that circle.
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On May 17 2015 14:03 B.I.G. wrote:
Or you can keep coming up with excuses to not even try to find a girlfriend if you prefer to be alone.
Why would you think that? I am just telling you that your argument is weak and unspecific.
While it is true that i do not currently have a girlfriend, i have a women of interest with mutual feelings, with whom i try to build a relationship.
@Mikau
Your version makes sense, as it combines general advice with a general goal. His version didn't as it was supposed to support specific advice: talk to women on the street with the intent of dating, which it didn't.
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http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p02qyfc7
Psychologist Philip Zimbardo’s latest book Man (Dis)connected argues that the excessive use of video games and online pornography is pushing young men into a crisis of masculinity that leaves them bored at school, disinterested in human contact, and opting out of society. He is famous for the controversial Stanford Prison experiment in the 1970s which showed how easily the male subjects could be manipulated into behaving like sadistic guards or passive victims in a controlled prison environment. He explained what he thinks needs to be done to help young men.
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EPT
