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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 11 2013 20:07 sluggaslamoo wrote:Show nested quote +On December 11 2013 14:41 ZapRoffo wrote:On December 10 2013 20:06 r.Evo wrote:edit @ above: Don't ever talk about computer games, unless she's a gamer. Talk about whatever you're passionate about. Being passionate about a certain game and conveying said passion (instead of a technical explanation of the reasons behind said passion) is awesome. Feel free to be the guy who hates League of Legends and loves Dark Souls, be able to explain why the latter is more satisfying than any other game to you and then draw the line from there to the overall pattern behind that satisfaction and where you find it in books or movies. If you can draw that arc, still passionate, all the way to an art exhibition that's opening in your city next weekend you're a perfect 10 right there. Being a man is so awesome. This kind of thing goes over the head of a lot of girls I talk to tbh--It goes something like: Oh this is like this movie, you seen that? (no) Oh then [music group that's not big hit pop from last 20 years] got to it really strongly in this song/album, know what I mean? (oh I've never really listened to them, don't know that song) That whole movement was actually really cool, really prescient attitudes. (oh.) Then I give a simple jokey explanation if none of that really caught to sum it up and maybe salvage some laugh or something from it. It often turns out I decide she's actually not interesting in my eyes. Though sometimes that's fine, and also she might even just think you are sophisticated and smart and feel bad that she can't keep up. Anyway changing the narrative from "I'm failing" (since it's not always appropriate) helps majorly with confidence. But usually if I feel like I lost her a bit on some conversation thread, it's not too hard to just ask any somewhat related question that makes it easy for her to start talking about herself/something she likes. (So what's your favorite show? Read anything good lately? Did you like art class in school?, etc.) On December 01 2013 11:52 ZapRoffo wrote:
Well tomorrow for the first time I'm meeting someone from online where it feels like there's actually potential (we clicked fairly immediately in online conversation) rather than knowing that it's just gonna end up practice, or random socializing, so I'm rather nervous like it's all new. Even though I keep telling myself to not treat it different because I know I show a fairly good self when I'm behaving naturally nowadays. Update from this after a week and a half, we went out a second time to a movie--(arm touching and leaning close/into each other was what happened physically, she was very reactive to the thrilling parts of the movie). She seemed to have a positive reaction to the date afterward overall. The thing is we clicked because we seem to move at the same speed in life and such, but our interests don't really click that much. She's gets into things like movies only emotionally, she thinks Twilight is decent (but not spectacularly good, heh), she really likes shopping--these aren't really the sorts of things I'm really mentally (whole package type) attracted to. But thinking of her physically does turn me on, but then she doesn't seem like the type at all that will go for sex or anything without getting quite emotionally close, and I'm not sure whether I'm down to go there or not. Not really sure how to approach, especially since I don't have opportunities with females just raining down on me. If you're finding it hard to engage in a back and forth convo I find that talking about all the cool shit you've done in the past and be really passionate about it really helps. "Oh man this reminds me of this one time we went to X, it was awesome and Y did Z and it was so hilarious, blah blah blah" "Hey you should check this out its like blah blah blah, and X part about this is really interesting" She may or may not start reciprocating afterwards, but I've never really had a time when being upbeat and talking about fun experiences hasn't caused her to lighten up a bit if not a lot. Also I like to grab girls and pick them up and spin them around in social settings, but I don't actually know how effective that will be, I only do it because its hilarious and it makes it much easier to be physical with them afterwards. I guess one thing you don't wanna do is suddenly change, that kind of freaks them out, if already she sees you as a certain type of person, the last thing you wanna do is completely change your personality. That's why when nice guys try to act all mean because the girl he likes like mean guys, she just thinks hes an idiot. But if he was like that in the beginning, then she wouldn't react badly to it, and if the mean guy acted nice, she would think he suddenly turned into a pussy. It shows that you don't really have a good handle on yourself. Not always, but that's what seems to be the trend in my experience. I think that's why they value guys being themselves, its not to make you fail with girls, but they hate it when guys change to make girls like them. Even if that was your true personality to begin with, that's not what it looks like in their eyes. This may sound dumb but right now I like to envision that girls think guys should be the embodiment of a rock. A rock solid mindset, goals are set in stone, unwavering personality, can never be pushed around, you never change your mind about her or anything, and a strong physical body to accompany all that. Be unwavering, does a rock move when it comes across a lion? No it just sits there not giving a shit. She wants to wake up each morning knowing you are the same awesome person you were yesterday and yesteryear and you will always be there to protect her, love her, and lighten up her day, no matter what.  Sounds dumb, and I could be completely wrong, but right now it feels like the mantra that works for me the best.
You never need to sell yourself with all the cool stuff you've done in the past. It makes you come across as if you want to prove that you're a cool guy. Basically stick to your rock story, but then never add your last paragraph. If it works for you, just stick with it. Don't add that it might sound dumb, since it draws attention to the negative which tells me that you're still a little bit insecure. You shouldn't be, since you're a fucking rock 
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just so you're aware though someone who never changes their mind about anything is a common definition of idiocy
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On December 12 2013 06:21 ComaDose wrote:
just so you're aware though someone who never changes their mind about anything is a common definition of idiocy
Yeah changing your mind is healthy just be yourself, cuz then you never have to make radical 180 degrees turns. But don't be static. Don't get stuck in a status quo with yourself. Take the room to find out who you really are so you can be a dynamic person who lives in an awesome reality, a reality that girls want to be a part of.
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"If you tighten a string too much..."
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i once said hi to a girl, haven't left my room since
mi gf h4s b1g t1tz u w0t m8 1ll f4k u up 1rl thumps up 1f u 4gr33 f00k1ng fgt
User was warned for this post
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How are you going to learn Norwegian with a vocabulary like that?
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On December 12 2013 06:56 Mr.Bimbles wrote:
i once said hi to a girl, haven't left my room since
mi gf h4s b1g t1tz u w0t m8 1ll f4k u up 1rl thumps up 1f u 4gr33 f00k1ng fgt
User was warned for this post
" Please try to post on teamliquid.net using proper English. This includes spelling out words like "you" and "you're" and appropriate grammar and spelling. If you can't be bothered to make your post readable why should anyone be bothered to read it? "
Bah! was an attempt to make fun of kids that speak this way, that pretend to have the perfect life, like a quote of some sort. Was just fooling around, I'm sorry ... ._.
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Had an awesome night out last night, unfortunately didn't get lucky with anything tho. Was texting girl from work to try an get her to come out for the night, but she said she was already in bed and didnt wana be feeling shit for the opening next day. Saw her today and she said she was laughing it off and would have gone out if I asked earlier (Silly me!). Oh well, going out with her on the night this Sunday tho, after staff xmas party.
After failing to get her to come out I just went having a laugh with my mates, dancing in the clubs. Got the attention of a certain girl and started dancing with her for a bit before she got dragged off by her friend. Saw her later on and tried to strike a conversation, but she didn't seem interested nor could we hear shit cause of the music >.>
Later on got talking with another girl in the smoking terrace, having a right laugh, bit of flirting and innocent touching. Decided to go get drinks and then have a dance, ended up with getting drinks and her fucking off when she saw some of her friends and a guy she obv liked an was trying to get the attention off.
Seems I cant get a break anywhere to be honest. :>
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Well then... I've been on a little bit of a dry spell lately but my long term goal of finding cool friends has finally paid off. My closest friends that I've met here are REALLY fucking cool. They're fun, highly ambitious very good people (down to earth and are the type who have your back when you need it) know incredibly hot and interesting girls (i.e. have their own startups or are really academically ambitious) and I've been meeting a whole bunch of them lately. Started dating one.
Seriously, that's probably the absolute best thing you can do. Get your character down (Have a fun lifestyle, be unshakeable, be assertive, learn how to handle yourself socially, be a leader everywhere you go) and get some cool friends (boys and girls). Bingo bango, no need to hop bars to try and meet girls. I won't say it's rare to find quality girls there because they will be there. But the entire process is fucking tedious and time-consuming. Not ideal if you're a busy person.
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Dude don't even worry about it, bingo bango
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I'm so angry at myself... it's not directly dating related, but it's about being way too afraid which indirectly hinders me in this area as well.
I'm not a shy guy in public, I was literally crying from laughing on the bus when we started joking, and I was the one who started the most inappropriate stuffs, which the people on the bus liked, the 60+years old grandma laughed just as much as the pretty girl next to me. Howewer, yesterday I didn't dare to start up, or rather, invite to the conversation the girl who was sitting next to me. She smiled at me when she gave her spot to me, moving to the window-side (2-2 seats facing each other), cuz she saw I was with the group who sat in front of her. She also smiled/laughed during our conversation, so it should've been an easy job saying something like "what do you think about [funny topic we've been discussing]", but I just couldn't, lol. Usually my main concern is what if the girl would think "ugh, leave me the fuck alone, you moron, I'm just trying to get home", but it was a pretty weak arguement in this scenario.
I'm not sure how can I overcome this. I knew I should, I was arguing with myself, trying to convince myself that I should just go for it, I have nothing to lose, etc, but still. And I didn't even want anything from her, I'm leaving the city today, so I really had nothing to lose. Now imagine if I looked at her as someone whom I wanted to hook up with; I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even dare to sit next to her, let alone talk with her.
(I should note that it's not a (stranger) girl/woman-exclusive fear, I'm somewhat the same with (stranger) boys too. Rant about that in spoilers)+ Show Spoiler +~3 months ago I got into a college-like thingy, and I shared a room with 3 other boys. None of us knew each other beforehand, but they were quite open, striking up conversations from the start. I pretty much just unpacked my stuff, and sat in my bed; when I got questions I gave short answers. There were many times when I could add something to their conversations - and I knew first impression is like everything -, but I just couldn't make myself talk out of the blue, and the more time I spent being silent, the harder it become.
Okay, I gradually "introduced" my crazy side, and when I got confident enough, I could let myself loose and it was fine within a week, but keep in mind that we were basically locked together, so I had the luxury of time.
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That's it, I'm calling it quits for this year.
I might be socially retarded or something, but fuck if I know anything about girls.
How did an ugly introvert manage to sleep with five different women this year, but hasn't gotten anywhere close to finding a girl to keep in the last four years? This is really starting to get frustrating.
I start something, I get shot down, I get up again, I start something, I bang, things look good, then the games begin and I'm lost.
This isn't supposed to sound judgemental, but I isn't it really, really sociopathic to constantly sound out just how far you can go, what the guy is willing to do, what he won't do, how he reacts to being ignored (I don't, by the way)...
The last one actually wrote after we fucked for a week straight: "I'm sorry, but I have things to deal with, I don't want to talk to you anymore." And after I didn't reply to that for a week, she came to my house, screaming and bitching about how I don't even fight for her.
What it is? I refuse to play these shitty games, I won't be fucked with.
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On December 12 2013 18:51 Volband wrote:I'm so angry at myself... it's not directly dating related, but it's about being way too afraid which indirectly hinders me in this area as well. I'm not a shy guy in public, I was literally crying from laughing on the bus when we started joking, and I was the one who started the most inappropriate stuffs, which the people on the bus liked, the 60+years old grandma laughed just as much as the pretty girl next to me. Howewer, yesterday I didn't dare to start up, or rather, invite to the conversation the girl who was sitting next to me. She smiled at me when she gave her spot to me, moving to the window-side (2-2 seats facing each other), cuz she saw I was with the group who sat in front of her. She also smiled/laughed during our conversation, so it should've been an easy job saying something like "what do you think about [funny topic we've been discussing]", but I just couldn't, lol. Usually my main concern is what if the girl would think "ugh, leave me the fuck alone, you moron, I'm just trying to get home", but it was a pretty weak arguement in this scenario. I'm not sure how can I overcome this. I knew I should, I was arguing with myself, trying to convince myself that I should just go for it, I have nothing to lose, etc, but still. And I didn't even want anything from her, I'm leaving the city today, so I really had nothing to lose. Now imagine if I looked at her as someone whom I wanted to hook up with; I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even dare to sit next to her, let alone talk with her. (I should note that it's not a (stranger) girl/woman-exclusive fear, I'm somewhat the same with (stranger) boys too. Rant about that in spoilers) + Show Spoiler +~3 months ago I got into a college-like thingy, and I shared a room with 3 other boys. None of us knew each other beforehand, but they were quite open, striking up conversations from the start. I pretty much just unpacked my stuff, and sat in my bed; when I got questions I gave short answers. There were many times when I could add something to their conversations - and I knew first impression is like everything -, but I just couldn't make myself talk out of the blue, and the more time I spent being silent, the harder it become.
Okay, I gradually "introduced" my crazy side, and when I got confident enough, I could let myself loose and it was fine within a week, but keep in mind that we were basically locked together, so I had the luxury of time.
That's true of most people. You don't really open up until you get to know them.
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On December 12 2013 18:51 Volband wrote:I'm so angry at myself... it's not directly dating related, but it's about being way too afraid which indirectly hinders me in this area as well. I'm not a shy guy in public, I was literally crying from laughing on the bus when we started joking, and I was the one who started the most inappropriate stuffs, which the people on the bus liked, the 60+years old grandma laughed just as much as the pretty girl next to me. Howewer, yesterday I didn't dare to start up, or rather, invite to the conversation the girl who was sitting next to me. She smiled at me when she gave her spot to me, moving to the window-side (2-2 seats facing each other), cuz she saw I was with the group who sat in front of her. She also smiled/laughed during our conversation, so it should've been an easy job saying something like "what do you think about [funny topic we've been discussing]", but I just couldn't, lol. Usually my main concern is what if the girl would think "ugh, leave me the fuck alone, you moron, I'm just trying to get home", but it was a pretty weak arguement in this scenario. I'm not sure how can I overcome this. I knew I should, I was arguing with myself, trying to convince myself that I should just go for it, I have nothing to lose, etc, but still. And I didn't even want anything from her, I'm leaving the city today, so I really had nothing to lose. Now imagine if I looked at her as someone whom I wanted to hook up with; I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even dare to sit next to her, let alone talk with her. (I should note that it's not a (stranger) girl/woman-exclusive fear, I'm somewhat the same with (stranger) boys too. Rant about that in spoilers) + Show Spoiler +~3 months ago I got into a college-like thingy, and I shared a room with 3 other boys. None of us knew each other beforehand, but they were quite open, striking up conversations from the start. I pretty much just unpacked my stuff, and sat in my bed; when I got questions I gave short answers. There were many times when I could add something to their conversations - and I knew first impression is like everything -, but I just couldn't make myself talk out of the blue, and the more time I spent being silent, the harder it become.
Okay, I gradually "introduced" my crazy side, and when I got confident enough, I could let myself loose and it was fine within a week, but keep in mind that we were basically locked together, so I had the luxury of time.
This doesn't sound strange to me at all, nor does it sound problematic. You don't have to strike up a conversation with everybody you bump into. And if picking up random strangers in public isn't your thing, there are plenty of things you can do to meet people on a regular basis and get to know them a bit first (any kind of group for a hobby or sport is a good place to start meeting new people in general, not just girls).
Being comfortable just striking up a conversation with a random stranger is not something many people are innately comfortable with. You can see that in any public transport: it takes something weird (crackpot preacher guy coming to tell the bus they're all going to hell) or frustrating (long delays, overly busy, etc.) to get people talking with their neighbour: mostly they just ignore each other.
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Well, my first year of actively trying to find a girl is over and i am looking at a very puzzling situation.
There is girl A that i know for some time, spent time with, asked her out and got rejected. We are hanging out from time to time and it seems like i made a really good friend, too bad that she is so awesome that i will value her always a bit above friendship.
Then there is girl B, encountered her on online-dating, but never saw her as girlfriend-material, cause she lives 200 kilometers away. Somehow, she still stayed interested and we are writing all the time. Mostly silly and funny stuff, but also about some more serious topics. I am looking forward to reading her mails and as she put it, "damn, i am refreshing my inbox way too often these days."
And then there is girl C, we went out on 2 dates already, i like her and i am looking forward to meeting her tomorrow again, but it feels like she is the worst option of the three although she is the only real option.
I know that the only reason girl B is as interesting is because, we have not met. I've thought about setting something up several times but until now, my logic outrules the stupidity of whatever is responsible for these misjudgements. And still, the same misjudgements scream, if you enjoy this almost made-up person more then Girl C then that must be cause you are just not that into girl C...Scumbag brain! I refreshed again, wtf is wrong with me.
Could someone please punch me virtually in the face and tell me it's completely normal that a serious blind date is not as entertaining to write with as with a girl you don't want to date. And that the same girl can't have the same emotional tie to a 2 year long aquitance/friend. Thank you.
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On December 12 2013 18:51 Volband wrote:+ Show Spoiler +I'm so angry at myself... it's not directly dating related, but it's about being way too afraid which indirectly hinders me in this area as well. I'm not a shy guy in public, I was literally crying from laughing on the bus when we started joking, and I was the one who started the most inappropriate stuffs, which the people on the bus liked, the 60+years old grandma laughed just as much as the pretty girl next to me. Howewer, yesterday I didn't dare to start up, or rather, invite to the conversation the girl who was sitting next to me. She smiled at me when she gave her spot to me, moving to the window-side (2-2 seats facing each other), cuz she saw I was with the group who sat in front of her. She also smiled/laughed during our conversation, so it should've been an easy job saying something like "what do you think about [funny topic we've been discussing]", but I just couldn't, lol. Usually my main concern is what if the girl would think "ugh, leave me the fuck alone, you moron, I'm just trying to get home", but it was a pretty weak arguement in this scenario. I'm not sure how can I overcome this. I knew I should, I was arguing with myself, trying to convince myself that I should just go for it, I have nothing to lose, etc, but still. And I didn't even want anything from her, I'm leaving the city today, so I really had nothing to lose. Now imagine if I looked at her as someone whom I wanted to hook up with; I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even dare to sit next to her, let alone talk with her. (I should note that it's not a (stranger) girl/woman-exclusive fear, I'm somewhat the same with (stranger) boys too. Rant about that in spoilers) + Show Spoiler +~3 months ago I got into a college-like thingy, and I shared a room with 3 other boys. None of us knew each other beforehand, but they were quite open, striking up conversations from the start. I pretty much just unpacked my stuff, and sat in my bed; when I got questions I gave short answers. There were many times when I could add something to their conversations - and I knew first impression is like everything -, but I just couldn't make myself talk out of the blue, and the more time I spent being silent, the harder it become.
Okay, I gradually "introduced" my crazy side, and when I got confident enough, I could let myself loose and it was fine within a week, but keep in mind that we were basically locked together, so I had the luxury of time.
It's pretty common behavior. It's what people call your zone of comfort. Laughing with your friends is inside your zone of comfort, your brain feels it's "proved and tested". On the other hand, talking to a stranger is outside of it.
"Beating" your zone of comfort is a challenge EVERYONE faces. For some like you it's about talking to a stranger, for others it's talking to a crowd, for some it goes even as far as getting outside of their home. You could somewhat associate it with fear but I feel it has more to do with simply not being used to it and negative thoughts.
It's not like there is a super method to step out of your comfort zone. But I can give some personal insights:
1. Simply go for it as soon as the thought crosses your mind. Once you recognize it as a challenge do not ponder over it and grab the challenge. Thinking about it will feed your reasoning around the discomfort associated with taking the action, it will feed you negative thoughts.
This creates two problems: the longer you wait the harder it become to overcome a well fed fear and if you ever overcome it, it will hinder your "performance".
2. Reason in advance (while alone). To be honest, the probability that you talking with a girl end up with you hurt or dead are almost non-existent. Recognize that nothing terrible can happen and that you're clever enough to know while talking to her that you'll see if she likes talking to you or if she gives you a cold angry stare.
3. Take baby steps and see the big picture. For example, your situation as you described is not only about women but strangers in general. So don't make talking to girls your only purpose. Talk to people in general. Spark small banters with someone waiting next to you and add some sentences when forced to talk to somebody (clerks for example). Just get used to kill the barrier of ice strangers put between themselves. And when there is a girl there start by saying very mundane stuff and leave it at that, you'll go further at another time.
4. Be realistic. While nothing bad will probably happen to you, you should also know that it is unusual and therefore you will probably have to speak most of the time until the ice barrier melts. Some people call it the 80-20 rule of conversation. You'll have to talk 80% of the time at first. You should also recognize that "You're cute, where do you live" isn't a good starting line. Things like that, be realistic.
Edit: why do I end up writing a lot more than I initially wanted 
On December 13 2013 02:24 Broetchenholer wrote:+ Show Spoiler +Well, my first year of actively trying to find a girl is over and i am looking at a very puzzling situation.
There is girl A that i know for some time, spent time with, asked her out and got rejected. We are hanging out from time to time and it seems like i made a really good friend, too bad that she is so awesome that i will value her always a bit above friendship .
Keep her as a friend. Try to kill sparking hopes with that particular one, otherwise it won't be a good friendship. Have some friendly activities with her and treat her as a guy friend. When you feel comfortable with that one and have good moments, ask her to hook you up with someone she thinks is a good match.
+ Show Spoiler +Then there is girl B, encountered her on online-dating, but never saw her as girlfriend-material, cause she lives 200 kilometers away. Somehow, she still stayed interested and we are writing all the time. Mostly silly and funny stuff, but also about some more serious topics. I am looking forward to reading her mails and as she put it, "damn, i am refreshing my inbox way too often these days."
She lives far and it sucks. I personally wouldn't bother but I feel you should chose between two options:
1. Stop sending her e-mails and meet somewhere.
2. Stop sending her e-mails and forget her.
+ Show Spoiler +And then there is girl C, we went out on 2 dates already, i like her and i am looking forward to meeting her tomorrow again, but it feels like she is the worst option of the three although she is the only real option.
"I like her" is the only real thing you've said so far between B and C. B isn't real so far and lives far. So keep seeing C if you like her.
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I'm satisfied with being single. :D
This goes in this thread right? lol
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On December 13 2013 02:57 Steins;Gate wrote:
I'm satisfied with being single. :D
This goes in this thread right? lol
nope just whining, generalizations and telling people to stop being beta.
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Netherlands6175 Posts
On December 13 2013 03:54 ComaDose wrote:Show nested quote +On December 13 2013 02:57 Steins;Gate wrote:
I'm satisfied with being single. :D
This goes in this thread right? lol nope just whining, generalizations and telling people to stop being beta.
And some pretty bad advice. I feel sorry for some of these girls because of the horrible advice being offered T_T but to each their own. If it works for you...
Not to say I'm on their side. Most of these girls sound like bitches tbh.
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EPT
