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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On May 03 2013 23:12 lungic wrote:
Guys, stop arguing, were here to help, not make people more unsure from whom to take bad advice from.
LOL
This thread should be more post facto dating stories and less dating advice
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On May 03 2013 23:14 Shady Sands wrote:Show nested quote +On May 03 2013 23:03 Misaka wrote:On May 03 2013 22:58 r.Evo wrote:On May 03 2013 22:17 biology]major wrote:On May 03 2013 22:15 r.Evo wrote:
I'll put it as simple as I can.
"Just be yourself" from someone someone who is close to his own true self and found happiness in understanding who and what he is is a way of live.
"Just be yourself" as an advice to someone who doesn't understand what or who he is at it's core is horrible advice because it doesn't help with any issues that come up when trying to get on the journey to becoming "yourself".
How do you win in racing? By just driving faster than the other guys. Sure that advice is absolutely correct. It's also utterly irrelvant. If someone puts it out as generic advice without big disclaimers about why he or she recommends it it is highly likely that they don't understand the underlying concepts. Telling them the underlying concepts won't help them either, that is just something they have to figure out on their own through their own experiences. Which is why again and again the best advice is to just be yourself and enjoy the process. No. "Just be yourself" means "be the same old shitty self you always were and one day someone will come and love it" to someone who is clueless about the process. The advice that actually does help people if they take it to heart isn't "be yourself", it's "do you love yourself?" - if you don't then work towards the self you always wanted to be. Try new things, make experiences, learn things you always wanted to learn. Whatever it is, go out and do things. Try out doing some of the things people who are closer to who you want to be seem to be suggesting. You aren't happy with how you deal with girls? Deal with them differently. Break your patterns and start seeing them as what they are: Things that you created for a reason and things you can change if you want to. Confidence, charisma, attractiveness, all those buzzwords are results of slowly but surely eliminating all those fears we carry around ourselves - they all come with experience. And now for something completely different: Shady why u so sexy? If you can imagine liking her, give her a call. It's not your job to worry about her personal relationships. No one is shitty. I think that's a really cruel way of looking at the world. I have a fun little exercise I do when I'm walking around where I pick someone at random in the street, and then try to imagine how they are sexy. Why they are sexy. Who they would be sexy to. Sometimes you have to make assumptions about their character from how they look but that's okay. Fact is, everyone is sexy to someone. Going out and doing things is great, if that's what you want. Experiences are fun if you want experiences. If you don't though, that wont be fun, and it won't make you a better person for having done them. No one is saying just stay completley static, but grow in a way that pleases you, not in a way that pleases someone else! As for the bank teller, stay out of it imo. Married people are a can of worms that can be a real pain in the ass to clean up once you open. Depends if she's worth it though! xx Lol I barely know this person. Have talked to her a total of three times before, and this time all I talked about was how I couldn't find my debit card anymore/asking them to mail me a new one. She's alright looking - early thirties, has a pronounced Slavic accent, busty but not fat, blonde
You don't need to know her! That's what objectifying people is for! :D
xx
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True, true, nevermind me. I'll go hide behind my wife.
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On May 03 2013 23:16 Misaka wrote:Show nested quote +On May 03 2013 23:14 Shady Sands wrote:On May 03 2013 23:03 Misaka wrote:On May 03 2013 22:58 r.Evo wrote:On May 03 2013 22:17 biology]major wrote:On May 03 2013 22:15 r.Evo wrote:
I'll put it as simple as I can.
"Just be yourself" from someone someone who is close to his own true self and found happiness in understanding who and what he is is a way of live.
"Just be yourself" as an advice to someone who doesn't understand what or who he is at it's core is horrible advice because it doesn't help with any issues that come up when trying to get on the journey to becoming "yourself".
How do you win in racing? By just driving faster than the other guys. Sure that advice is absolutely correct. It's also utterly irrelvant. If someone puts it out as generic advice without big disclaimers about why he or she recommends it it is highly likely that they don't understand the underlying concepts. Telling them the underlying concepts won't help them either, that is just something they have to figure out on their own through their own experiences. Which is why again and again the best advice is to just be yourself and enjoy the process. No. "Just be yourself" means "be the same old shitty self you always were and one day someone will come and love it" to someone who is clueless about the process. The advice that actually does help people if they take it to heart isn't "be yourself", it's "do you love yourself?" - if you don't then work towards the self you always wanted to be. Try new things, make experiences, learn things you always wanted to learn. Whatever it is, go out and do things. Try out doing some of the things people who are closer to who you want to be seem to be suggesting. You aren't happy with how you deal with girls? Deal with them differently. Break your patterns and start seeing them as what they are: Things that you created for a reason and things you can change if you want to. Confidence, charisma, attractiveness, all those buzzwords are results of slowly but surely eliminating all those fears we carry around ourselves - they all come with experience. And now for something completely different: Shady why u so sexy? If you can imagine liking her, give her a call. It's not your job to worry about her personal relationships. No one is shitty. I think that's a really cruel way of looking at the world. I have a fun little exercise I do when I'm walking around where I pick someone at random in the street, and then try to imagine how they are sexy. Why they are sexy. Who they would be sexy to. Sometimes you have to make assumptions about their character from how they look but that's okay. Fact is, everyone is sexy to someone. Going out and doing things is great, if that's what you want. Experiences are fun if you want experiences. If you don't though, that wont be fun, and it won't make you a better person for having done them. No one is saying just stay completley static, but grow in a way that pleases you, not in a way that pleases someone else! As for the bank teller, stay out of it imo. Married people are a can of worms that can be a real pain in the ass to clean up once you open. Depends if she's worth it though! xx Lol I barely know this person. Have talked to her a total of three times before, and this time all I talked about was how I couldn't find my debit card anymore/asking them to mail me a new one. She's alright looking - early thirties, has a pronounced Slavic accent, busty but not fat, blonde You don't need to know her! That's what objectifying people is for! :D xx
Let's examine this from her POV
" Lol I barely know this person. Have talked to him a total of three times before, and this time all he talked about was how he couldn't find his debit card anymore/asking us to mail him a new one.
He's ______ looking - mid twenties, no accent, slim, Asian
I think I should send him my number, what do you guys think? "
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On May 03 2013 23:20 Shady Sands wrote:Show nested quote +On May 03 2013 23:16 Misaka wrote:On May 03 2013 23:14 Shady Sands wrote:On May 03 2013 23:03 Misaka wrote:On May 03 2013 22:58 r.Evo wrote:On May 03 2013 22:17 biology]major wrote:On May 03 2013 22:15 r.Evo wrote:
I'll put it as simple as I can.
"Just be yourself" from someone someone who is close to his own true self and found happiness in understanding who and what he is is a way of live.
"Just be yourself" as an advice to someone who doesn't understand what or who he is at it's core is horrible advice because it doesn't help with any issues that come up when trying to get on the journey to becoming "yourself".
How do you win in racing? By just driving faster than the other guys. Sure that advice is absolutely correct. It's also utterly irrelvant. If someone puts it out as generic advice without big disclaimers about why he or she recommends it it is highly likely that they don't understand the underlying concepts. Telling them the underlying concepts won't help them either, that is just something they have to figure out on their own through their own experiences. Which is why again and again the best advice is to just be yourself and enjoy the process. No. "Just be yourself" means "be the same old shitty self you always were and one day someone will come and love it" to someone who is clueless about the process. The advice that actually does help people if they take it to heart isn't "be yourself", it's "do you love yourself?" - if you don't then work towards the self you always wanted to be. Try new things, make experiences, learn things you always wanted to learn. Whatever it is, go out and do things. Try out doing some of the things people who are closer to who you want to be seem to be suggesting. You aren't happy with how you deal with girls? Deal with them differently. Break your patterns and start seeing them as what they are: Things that you created for a reason and things you can change if you want to. Confidence, charisma, attractiveness, all those buzzwords are results of slowly but surely eliminating all those fears we carry around ourselves - they all come with experience. And now for something completely different: Shady why u so sexy? If you can imagine liking her, give her a call. It's not your job to worry about her personal relationships. No one is shitty. I think that's a really cruel way of looking at the world. I have a fun little exercise I do when I'm walking around where I pick someone at random in the street, and then try to imagine how they are sexy. Why they are sexy. Who they would be sexy to. Sometimes you have to make assumptions about their character from how they look but that's okay. Fact is, everyone is sexy to someone. Going out and doing things is great, if that's what you want. Experiences are fun if you want experiences. If you don't though, that wont be fun, and it won't make you a better person for having done them. No one is saying just stay completley static, but grow in a way that pleases you, not in a way that pleases someone else! As for the bank teller, stay out of it imo. Married people are a can of worms that can be a real pain in the ass to clean up once you open. Depends if she's worth it though! xx Lol I barely know this person. Have talked to her a total of three times before, and this time all I talked about was how I couldn't find my debit card anymore/asking them to mail me a new one. She's alright looking - early thirties, has a pronounced Slavic accent, busty but not fat, blonde You don't need to know her! That's what objectifying people is for! :D xx Let's examine this from her POV " Lol I barely know this person. Have talked to him a total of three times before, and this time all he talked about was how he couldn't find his debit card anymore/asking us to mail him a new one. He's ______ looking - mid twenties, no accent, slim, Asian I think I should send him my number, what do you guys think? "
I mean that's the only logical conclusion right? That's what I thought of first.
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On May 03 2013 23:03 Misaka wrote:Show nested quote +On May 03 2013 22:58 r.Evo wrote:On May 03 2013 22:17 biology]major wrote:On May 03 2013 22:15 r.Evo wrote:
I'll put it as simple as I can.
"Just be yourself" from someone someone who is close to his own true self and found happiness in understanding who and what he is is a way of live.
"Just be yourself" as an advice to someone who doesn't understand what or who he is at it's core is horrible advice because it doesn't help with any issues that come up when trying to get on the journey to becoming "yourself".
How do you win in racing? By just driving faster than the other guys. Sure that advice is absolutely correct. It's also utterly irrelvant. If someone puts it out as generic advice without big disclaimers about why he or she recommends it it is highly likely that they don't understand the underlying concepts. Telling them the underlying concepts won't help them either, that is just something they have to figure out on their own through their own experiences. Which is why again and again the best advice is to just be yourself and enjoy the process. No. "Just be yourself" means "be the same old shitty self you always were and one day someone will come and love it" to someone who is clueless about the process. The advice that actually does help people if they take it to heart isn't "be yourself", it's "do you love yourself?" - if you don't then work towards the self you always wanted to be. Try new things, make experiences, learn things you always wanted to learn. Whatever it is, go out and do things. Try out doing some of the things people who are closer to who you want to be seem to be suggesting. You aren't happy with how you deal with girls? Deal with them differently. Break your patterns and start seeing them as what they are: Things that you created for a reason and things you can change if you want to. Confidence, charisma, attractiveness, all those buzzwords are results of slowly but surely eliminating all those fears we carry around ourselves - they all come with experience. And now for something completely different: Shady why u so sexy? If you can imagine liking her, give her a call. It's not your job to worry about her personal relationships. No one is shitty. I think that's a really cruel way of looking at the world. I have a fun little exercise I do when I'm walking around where I pick someone at random in the street, and then try to imagine how they are sexy. Why they are sexy. Who they would be sexy to. Sometimes you have to make assumptions about their character from how they look but that's okay. Fact is, everyone is sexy to someone.
Look, people who ask for dating advice do so because they're unhappy with their dating life or unsure about how to proceed. After they failed for the x-th time to become happy with someone they're infatuated you can do two things:
a) Tell them that they're beautiful flying butterflies in the sea of life. Tell them they're great and awesome human beings who one day will deserve to find the one perfect woman who will love them until the end of time. The important implication here is that they - if they're already perfect - got rejected for being who they are. Can you punch someone in the balls any harder?
b) Show them why they got rejected. Show them that they get rejected because of their behaviour, that this behaviour results of thought patterns they acquired via past experiences. Show them that they can change their thoughts, their behaviour and that they can achieve different results in the process.
Taking matters into your own hands, turning things you don't enjoy into things you enjoy more are among the most valuable traits humans can learn. Saying "Awww, don't worry you're okay just the way you are! One day you will find someone who will love you just for that!" is fine and all. But it suggests passivity, it suggests waiting. It also suggests that either the whole world (or at least the female portion of the world you came to know) is full of shit, or you're full of shit.
Truely appreciating that you, yourself are an awesome and perfect human being doesn't come by itself in the majority of cases. It's a result of putting in effort into becoming the best self you can be.
e: Alright alright, I'll go back to my cave. >_>
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On May 03 2013 23:23 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On May 03 2013 23:03 Misaka wrote:On May 03 2013 22:58 r.Evo wrote:On May 03 2013 22:17 biology]major wrote:On May 03 2013 22:15 r.Evo wrote:
I'll put it as simple as I can.
"Just be yourself" from someone someone who is close to his own true self and found happiness in understanding who and what he is is a way of live.
"Just be yourself" as an advice to someone who doesn't understand what or who he is at it's core is horrible advice because it doesn't help with any issues that come up when trying to get on the journey to becoming "yourself".
How do you win in racing? By just driving faster than the other guys. Sure that advice is absolutely correct. It's also utterly irrelvant. If someone puts it out as generic advice without big disclaimers about why he or she recommends it it is highly likely that they don't understand the underlying concepts. Telling them the underlying concepts won't help them either, that is just something they have to figure out on their own through their own experiences. Which is why again and again the best advice is to just be yourself and enjoy the process. No. "Just be yourself" means "be the same old shitty self you always were and one day someone will come and love it" to someone who is clueless about the process. The advice that actually does help people if they take it to heart isn't "be yourself", it's "do you love yourself?" - if you don't then work towards the self you always wanted to be. Try new things, make experiences, learn things you always wanted to learn. Whatever it is, go out and do things. Try out doing some of the things people who are closer to who you want to be seem to be suggesting. You aren't happy with how you deal with girls? Deal with them differently. Break your patterns and start seeing them as what they are: Things that you created for a reason and things you can change if you want to. Confidence, charisma, attractiveness, all those buzzwords are results of slowly but surely eliminating all those fears we carry around ourselves - they all come with experience. And now for something completely different: Shady why u so sexy? If you can imagine liking her, give her a call. It's not your job to worry about her personal relationships. No one is shitty. I think that's a really cruel way of looking at the world. I have a fun little exercise I do when I'm walking around where I pick someone at random in the street, and then try to imagine how they are sexy. Why they are sexy. Who they would be sexy to. Sometimes you have to make assumptions about their character from how they look but that's okay. Fact is, everyone is sexy to someone. Look, people who ask for dating advice do so because they're unhappy with their dating life or unsure about how to proceed. After they failed for the x-th time to become happy with someone they're infatuated you can do two things: a) Tell them that they're beautiful flying butterflies in the sea of life. Tell them they're great and awesome human beings who one day will deserve to find the one perfect woman who will love them until the end of time. The important implication here is that they - if they're already perfect - got rejected for being who they are. Can you punch someone in the balls any harder? b) Show them why they got rejected. Show them that they get rejected because of their behaviour, that this behaviour results of thought patterns they acquired via past experiences. Show them that they can change their thoughts, their behaviour and that they can achieve different results in the process. Taking matters into your own hands, turning things you don't enjoy into things you enjoy more are among the most valuable traits humans can learn. Saying "Awww, don't worry you're okay just the way you are! One day you will find someone who will love you just for that!" is fine and all. But it suggests passivity, it suggests waiting. It also suggests that either the whole world (or at least the female portion of the world you came to know) is full of shit, or you're full of shit. Truely appreciating that you, yourself are an awesome and perfect human being doesn't come by itself in the majority of cases. It's a result of putting in effort into becoming the best self you can be. e: Alright alright, I'll go back to my cave. >_>
The big flaw in this sort of thinking is the paradigm that dating = good and rejection = bad.
Sure dating feels good and getting rejected feels bad, but are they objectively so?
Imagine you got rejected by a girl with whom you would have had a shitty relationship. Maybe you and her would have hooked up a couple of times until you find out she's actually still screwing her ex boyfriend on Thursdays when she 'heads to the gym'. Maybe you would put up with it until she one day tells you that she wants to get back together with her ex in an 'exclusive' relationship. Or maybe it's a new guy she just picked up on.
Either way, you really end up even off the whole deal. At the end of the two or five month stint what's the point? You're back to square zero anyhow.
As soon as you understand this, you'll realize that the long-term goal of dating isn't about making your evening with some random chick you met at the bar last week turn into a score or even a train of scores, but about finding that person who you'll mesh with over months and years and hopefully down to that final stretch when you or her are horizontal on a hospital bed with nothing but muffled sobbing and the beep of an EKG monitor in your ears. Anything other than that just becomes a girl you can pass the time with but who, from a long-term perspective, doesn't really matter that much to your life.
And if she doesn't matter to your life, why should you be so hell-bent on trying to matter to her?
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On May 03 2013 23:23 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On May 03 2013 23:03 Misaka wrote:On May 03 2013 22:58 r.Evo wrote:On May 03 2013 22:17 biology]major wrote:On May 03 2013 22:15 r.Evo wrote:
I'll put it as simple as I can.
"Just be yourself" from someone someone who is close to his own true self and found happiness in understanding who and what he is is a way of live.
"Just be yourself" as an advice to someone who doesn't understand what or who he is at it's core is horrible advice because it doesn't help with any issues that come up when trying to get on the journey to becoming "yourself".
How do you win in racing? By just driving faster than the other guys. Sure that advice is absolutely correct. It's also utterly irrelvant. If someone puts it out as generic advice without big disclaimers about why he or she recommends it it is highly likely that they don't understand the underlying concepts. Telling them the underlying concepts won't help them either, that is just something they have to figure out on their own through their own experiences. Which is why again and again the best advice is to just be yourself and enjoy the process. No. "Just be yourself" means "be the same old shitty self you always were and one day someone will come and love it" to someone who is clueless about the process. The advice that actually does help people if they take it to heart isn't "be yourself", it's "do you love yourself?" - if you don't then work towards the self you always wanted to be. Try new things, make experiences, learn things you always wanted to learn. Whatever it is, go out and do things. Try out doing some of the things people who are closer to who you want to be seem to be suggesting. You aren't happy with how you deal with girls? Deal with them differently. Break your patterns and start seeing them as what they are: Things that you created for a reason and things you can change if you want to. Confidence, charisma, attractiveness, all those buzzwords are results of slowly but surely eliminating all those fears we carry around ourselves - they all come with experience. And now for something completely different: Shady why u so sexy? If you can imagine liking her, give her a call. It's not your job to worry about her personal relationships. No one is shitty. I think that's a really cruel way of looking at the world. I have a fun little exercise I do when I'm walking around where I pick someone at random in the street, and then try to imagine how they are sexy. Why they are sexy. Who they would be sexy to. Sometimes you have to make assumptions about their character from how they look but that's okay. Fact is, everyone is sexy to someone. Look, people who ask for dating advice do so because they're unhappy with their dating life or unsure about how to proceed. After they failed for the x-th time to become happy with someone they're infatuated you can do two things: a) Tell them that they're beautiful flying butterflies in the sea of life. Tell them they're great and awesome human beings who one day will deserve to find the one perfect woman who will love them until the end of time. The important implication here is that they - if they're already perfect - got rejected for being who they are. Can you punch someone in the balls any harder? b) Show them why they got rejected. Show them that they get rejected because of their behaviour, that this behaviour results of thought patterns they acquired via past experiences. Show them that they can change their thoughts, their behaviour and that they can achieve different results in the process. Taking matters into your own hands, turning things you don't enjoy into things you enjoy more are among the most valuable traits humans can learn. Saying "Awww, don't worry you're okay just the way you are! One day you will find someone who will love you just for that!" is fine and all. But it suggests passivity, it suggests waiting. It also suggests that either the whole world (or at least the female portion of the world you came to know) is full of shit, or you're full of shit. Truely appreciating that you, yourself are an awesome and perfect human being doesn't come by itself in the majority of cases. It's a result of putting in effort into becoming the best self you can be. e: Alright alright, I'll go back to my cave. >_>
No one is saying be passive and do nothing though. No one at all. If thats how you want to take it, well... there's not much hope no matter what anyone says, since that's not what people are saying. I've stated and restated that over and over again. But completley changing who you are in a "girls don't like shy guys, become super confident" way is just awful, awful advice. And so is the overanalysing stuff that goes on. All the "I said she said I said she said and then friendzone" stuff... It's all in your head. If you're telling people to adjust that stuff, you're just way overthinking everything. You can see hundreds of times in this "Oh, when a girl says X she means Y" or "When she does A, she's really playing games to figure out B" and it's all utter rubbish. Perhaps in the odd very rare case it's vaguely correct but no one thinks this stuff through so much, and if you find the right person, you don't NEED to think it through that much, because you both like each other and you are both trying to do nice things for each other and everything just goes great.
I'm sure there are plenty of people here because they are unhappy with their dating life and how some incident went down, but you can't teach that kind of stuff, you just have to learn as you go (as someone said a few posts ago) and in reality, not knowing such things doesn't make a difference if it's the right person. Being unhappy with your dating life doesn't mean there's something you can do or something you can change that's so huge and drastic. Some people just have it tough. That's all there is to it. It sucks when you think someone is perfect and then you seem to say the wrong thing and it all falls apart, but that's just how it is and no amount of changing yourself is going to fix that. Chances are it's not even what you said, or what you did, she just wasn't that into you. Maybe "she doesn't like you because of who you are" sucks to hear but most of the time it's true. That doesn't mean anyone is a bad person, just most of the world is incompatible with most of the rest of the world.
Make yourself as attractive as you want to in the ways you want to, but I really don't think anyone isn't saying that. I think you're just taking what I'm saying out of context and trying to make it seem like I mean something completley different, but maybe I've gotten the wrong end of the stick.
xx
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On May 03 2013 23:47 Misaka wrote:Show nested quote +On May 03 2013 23:23 r.Evo wrote:On May 03 2013 23:03 Misaka wrote:On May 03 2013 22:58 r.Evo wrote:On May 03 2013 22:17 biology]major wrote:On May 03 2013 22:15 r.Evo wrote:
I'll put it as simple as I can.
"Just be yourself" from someone someone who is close to his own true self and found happiness in understanding who and what he is is a way of live.
"Just be yourself" as an advice to someone who doesn't understand what or who he is at it's core is horrible advice because it doesn't help with any issues that come up when trying to get on the journey to becoming "yourself".
How do you win in racing? By just driving faster than the other guys. Sure that advice is absolutely correct. It's also utterly irrelvant. If someone puts it out as generic advice without big disclaimers about why he or she recommends it it is highly likely that they don't understand the underlying concepts. Telling them the underlying concepts won't help them either, that is just something they have to figure out on their own through their own experiences. Which is why again and again the best advice is to just be yourself and enjoy the process. No. "Just be yourself" means "be the same old shitty self you always were and one day someone will come and love it" to someone who is clueless about the process. The advice that actually does help people if they take it to heart isn't "be yourself", it's "do you love yourself?" - if you don't then work towards the self you always wanted to be. Try new things, make experiences, learn things you always wanted to learn. Whatever it is, go out and do things. Try out doing some of the things people who are closer to who you want to be seem to be suggesting. You aren't happy with how you deal with girls? Deal with them differently. Break your patterns and start seeing them as what they are: Things that you created for a reason and things you can change if you want to. Confidence, charisma, attractiveness, all those buzzwords are results of slowly but surely eliminating all those fears we carry around ourselves - they all come with experience. And now for something completely different: Shady why u so sexy? If you can imagine liking her, give her a call. It's not your job to worry about her personal relationships. No one is shitty. I think that's a really cruel way of looking at the world. I have a fun little exercise I do when I'm walking around where I pick someone at random in the street, and then try to imagine how they are sexy. Why they are sexy. Who they would be sexy to. Sometimes you have to make assumptions about their character from how they look but that's okay. Fact is, everyone is sexy to someone. Look, people who ask for dating advice do so because they're unhappy with their dating life or unsure about how to proceed. After they failed for the x-th time to become happy with someone they're infatuated you can do two things: a) Tell them that they're beautiful flying butterflies in the sea of life. Tell them they're great and awesome human beings who one day will deserve to find the one perfect woman who will love them until the end of time. The important implication here is that they - if they're already perfect - got rejected for being who they are. Can you punch someone in the balls any harder? b) Show them why they got rejected. Show them that they get rejected because of their behaviour, that this behaviour results of thought patterns they acquired via past experiences. Show them that they can change their thoughts, their behaviour and that they can achieve different results in the process. Taking matters into your own hands, turning things you don't enjoy into things you enjoy more are among the most valuable traits humans can learn. Saying "Awww, don't worry you're okay just the way you are! One day you will find someone who will love you just for that!" is fine and all. But it suggests passivity, it suggests waiting. It also suggests that either the whole world (or at least the female portion of the world you came to know) is full of shit, or you're full of shit. Truely appreciating that you, yourself are an awesome and perfect human being doesn't come by itself in the majority of cases. It's a result of putting in effort into becoming the best self you can be. e: Alright alright, I'll go back to my cave. >_> No one is saying be passive and do nothing though. No one at all. If thats how you want to take it, well... there's not much hope no matter what anyone says, since that's not what people are saying. I've stated and restated that over and over again. But completley changing who you are in a "girls don't like shy guys, become super confident" way is just awful, awful advice. And so is the overanalysing stuff that goes on. All the "I said she said I said she said and then friendzone" stuff... It's all in your head. If you're telling people to adjust that stuff, you're just way overthinking everything. You can see hundreds of times in this "Oh, when a girl says X she means Y" or "When she does A, she's really playing games to figure out B" and it's all utter rubbish. Perhaps in the odd very rare case it's vaguely correct but no one thinks this stuff through so much, and if you find the right person, you don't NEED to think it through that much, because you both like each other and you are both trying to do nice things for each other and everything just goes great. I'm sure there are plenty of people here because they are unhappy with their dating life and how some incident went down, but you can't teach that kind of stuff, you just have to learn as you go (as someone said a few posts ago) and in reality, not knowing such things doesn't make a difference if it's the right person. Being unhappy with your dating life doesn't mean there's something you can do or something you can change that's so huge and drastic. Some people just have it tough. That's all there is to it. It sucks when you think someone is perfect and then you seem to say the wrong thing and it all falls apart, but that's just how it is and no amount of changing yourself is going to fix that. Chances are it's not even what you said, or what you did, she just wasn't that into you. Maybe "she doesn't like you because of who you are" sucks to hear but most of the time it's true. That doesn't mean anyone is a bad person, just most of the world is incompatible with most of the rest of the world. Make yourself as attractive as you want to in the ways you want to, but I really don't think anyone isn't saying that. I think you're just taking what I'm saying out of context and trying to make it seem like I mean something completley different, but maybe I've gotten the wrong end of the stick. xx
So true, I like you
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On May 03 2013 23:53 biology]major wrote:Show nested quote +On May 03 2013 23:47 Misaka wrote:On May 03 2013 23:23 r.Evo wrote:On May 03 2013 23:03 Misaka wrote:On May 03 2013 22:58 r.Evo wrote:On May 03 2013 22:17 biology]major wrote:On May 03 2013 22:15 r.Evo wrote:
I'll put it as simple as I can.
"Just be yourself" from someone someone who is close to his own true self and found happiness in understanding who and what he is is a way of live.
"Just be yourself" as an advice to someone who doesn't understand what or who he is at it's core is horrible advice because it doesn't help with any issues that come up when trying to get on the journey to becoming "yourself".
How do you win in racing? By just driving faster than the other guys. Sure that advice is absolutely correct. It's also utterly irrelvant. If someone puts it out as generic advice without big disclaimers about why he or she recommends it it is highly likely that they don't understand the underlying concepts. Telling them the underlying concepts won't help them either, that is just something they have to figure out on their own through their own experiences. Which is why again and again the best advice is to just be yourself and enjoy the process. No. "Just be yourself" means "be the same old shitty self you always were and one day someone will come and love it" to someone who is clueless about the process. The advice that actually does help people if they take it to heart isn't "be yourself", it's "do you love yourself?" - if you don't then work towards the self you always wanted to be. Try new things, make experiences, learn things you always wanted to learn. Whatever it is, go out and do things. Try out doing some of the things people who are closer to who you want to be seem to be suggesting. You aren't happy with how you deal with girls? Deal with them differently. Break your patterns and start seeing them as what they are: Things that you created for a reason and things you can change if you want to. Confidence, charisma, attractiveness, all those buzzwords are results of slowly but surely eliminating all those fears we carry around ourselves - they all come with experience. And now for something completely different: Shady why u so sexy? If you can imagine liking her, give her a call. It's not your job to worry about her personal relationships. No one is shitty. I think that's a really cruel way of looking at the world. I have a fun little exercise I do when I'm walking around where I pick someone at random in the street, and then try to imagine how they are sexy. Why they are sexy. Who they would be sexy to. Sometimes you have to make assumptions about their character from how they look but that's okay. Fact is, everyone is sexy to someone. Look, people who ask for dating advice do so because they're unhappy with their dating life or unsure about how to proceed. After they failed for the x-th time to become happy with someone they're infatuated you can do two things: a) Tell them that they're beautiful flying butterflies in the sea of life. Tell them they're great and awesome human beings who one day will deserve to find the one perfect woman who will love them until the end of time. The important implication here is that they - if they're already perfect - got rejected for being who they are. Can you punch someone in the balls any harder? b) Show them why they got rejected. Show them that they get rejected because of their behaviour, that this behaviour results of thought patterns they acquired via past experiences. Show them that they can change their thoughts, their behaviour and that they can achieve different results in the process. Taking matters into your own hands, turning things you don't enjoy into things you enjoy more are among the most valuable traits humans can learn. Saying "Awww, don't worry you're okay just the way you are! One day you will find someone who will love you just for that!" is fine and all. But it suggests passivity, it suggests waiting. It also suggests that either the whole world (or at least the female portion of the world you came to know) is full of shit, or you're full of shit. Truely appreciating that you, yourself are an awesome and perfect human being doesn't come by itself in the majority of cases. It's a result of putting in effort into becoming the best self you can be. e: Alright alright, I'll go back to my cave. >_> No one is saying be passive and do nothing though. No one at all. If thats how you want to take it, well... there's not much hope no matter what anyone says, since that's not what people are saying. I've stated and restated that over and over again. But completley changing who you are in a "girls don't like shy guys, become super confident" way is just awful, awful advice. And so is the overanalysing stuff that goes on. All the "I said she said I said she said and then friendzone" stuff... It's all in your head. If you're telling people to adjust that stuff, you're just way overthinking everything. You can see hundreds of times in this "Oh, when a girl says X she means Y" or "When she does A, she's really playing games to figure out B" and it's all utter rubbish. Perhaps in the odd very rare case it's vaguely correct but no one thinks this stuff through so much, and if you find the right person, you don't NEED to think it through that much, because you both like each other and you are both trying to do nice things for each other and everything just goes great. I'm sure there are plenty of people here because they are unhappy with their dating life and how some incident went down, but you can't teach that kind of stuff, you just have to learn as you go (as someone said a few posts ago) and in reality, not knowing such things doesn't make a difference if it's the right person. Being unhappy with your dating life doesn't mean there's something you can do or something you can change that's so huge and drastic. Some people just have it tough. That's all there is to it. It sucks when you think someone is perfect and then you seem to say the wrong thing and it all falls apart, but that's just how it is and no amount of changing yourself is going to fix that. Chances are it's not even what you said, or what you did, she just wasn't that into you. Maybe "she doesn't like you because of who you are" sucks to hear but most of the time it's true. That doesn't mean anyone is a bad person, just most of the world is incompatible with most of the rest of the world. Make yourself as attractive as you want to in the ways you want to, but I really don't think anyone isn't saying that. I think you're just taking what I'm saying out of context and trying to make it seem like I mean something completley different, but maybe I've gotten the wrong end of the stick. xx So true, I like you
Thanks. Me too.
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On May 03 2013 14:40 Baumbart wrote:Been lurking this thread quite a time, so I thought I'm gonna share my stories as well. I'm no native speaker, so excuse my bad english ^^ I'm 20 years old and had thus far 2 relationships. The first one lasted for about 4 month and was more like a "uh I finally have a girlfriend-relationship". Hence we didn't fit that good overall. My second relationship lasted for 3 years and we broke up 3 month ago. She was kinda my first real love I'd say, but in the last 4-6 month we departed more and more. In the end I didn't even have the feeling that she was my girlfriend as we just were already that far away from each other. We spoke about that fact several times, but after those 4-6 month of disappointment we came to the conclusion that it would be better to just break up the relationship. Three month have passed, and I started to recognise other girls more and more again. I study medicine in the third term and this term we have an anatomic tutorial as well, where we are close with 7 other students working on one corpse. There I started to talk a lot with a girl and began to really like her, as we could talk about literally everything and were having a lot of fun doing so. Additionally, just as I, she likes sport as well. So two days ago I made up my mind for asking her out for a date. I thought drinking a coffee is too much of a stereotype, hence I asked her to go rock climbing with me next week.She was having a big smile on her face and said that of course she'd like to do so with me  Right now I'm really looking forward to next week and hoping for the best.
This guy knows how it's done tbqhimho
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On May 03 2013 21:41 B.I.G. wrote:
I agree with long post. Changing the essence of who you are is foolish. But trying to be the best you you can be is a noble persuit. That's also why getting advice from others on 'how to get the girl' usually isn't as useful as you would hope.
"Being the best you can be" is a form of "changing the essence of who you are". You're quibbling over semantics.
Essentially, all you people have drunk so much of the Disney romantic bullshit that you're obsessed with "being yourself" to the point of fighting over semantics.
On May 03 2013 21:41 B.I.G. wrote:
Speaking for myself, taking advice from friends usually did more harm than good. Even though most of them are quite successful with women.
Define "successful with women". Just because someone is attractive, does not mean they understand attraction. Meme that sums this up better:
![[image loading]](http://slacktory.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/attractive-guy-girl-advice.jpg)
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On May 03 2013 21:59 McBengt wrote:Show nested quote +On May 03 2013 21:02 aTnClouD wrote:On May 03 2013 18:17 Misaka wrote:On May 03 2013 09:02 rezoacken wrote:
@Bigpost
I'm pretty sure people with a minimum of intelligence are able to understand any advice given here doesn't apply to everybody nor is guaranteed to work. Also, there isn't a unique solution. It's also the sum of many advices, sometimes which contradict themselves. Up to the reader to get what he can from it.
Everything said, should be judged on whether its relevant or not, whether you're confortable with it or not.
However, I'm kind of annoyed when someone comes in, says everybody is spewing bullshit and the only thing he says is:"just be yourself". I'm pretty sure guys that have been alone for 20+ years are very happy to hear that advice. Some people just struggle to find a partner and that's all there is to it. It doesn't mean there's anything WRONG with you, just that the type of people who go for you, arn't the type of people who you are meeting. It's bad luck or whatever, and that sucks, and maybe it's bad luck influenced by the acne or your chin or maybe it's not, but it happens to plenty of girls too, so honestly don't worry. Just keep trying! I don't care what gender you are, I think you deserve a punch in the face for every person who you give this advice to and follows it. I dunno, a lot of the anguish in this thread seems to stem from the fact that many guys here appear to bemoan the fact that they aren't someone who they, well, aren't. Be yourself is the standard cliché, yet one that may be less than helpful. Maybe the "self" is not someone who will ever be good material for prolonged relationships.
If you don't like who you are, and would rather be like someone else, there's always the option to aspire to be better. Do we tell StarCraft players to just play like themselves, or do we teach them how to play more like Jaedong, Flash, and Bisu?
For some reason, people are fundamentally opposed to self-improvement when it comes to guys becoming more attractive. The only remotely comparable phenomenon is when fatties hate on someone who is successfully losing weight.
On May 03 2013 21:59 McBengt wrote:
Some people just may not be meant for close relationships, or much of social interaction at all. Maybe the niche of suitable partners is so narrow that it is unlikely they will ever find one.
People aren't "meant" for anything. There is no future but what we make. If you're unattractive or socially awkward, work on it!
On May 03 2013 21:59 McBengt wrote:
A relationship is not a right, it's a bonus that may or may not happen. I may be a bit of a deviant here for a few reasons, but this idea has never really bothered me, hence the generally flippant tone(I'll break character here for a moment, before I go back to eating Wombat's child and hitting on Grumbels, or possibly the reverse).
A relationship is something that you can probabilistically increase your chances of having by improving yourself. This is in addition to all the other benefits to improving yourself. Why not do so, instead of giving up?
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On May 04 2013 05:01 sunprince wrote:Show nested quote +On May 03 2013 21:41 B.I.G. wrote:
I agree with long post. Changing the essence of who you are is foolish. But trying to be the best you you can be is a noble persuit. That's also why getting advice from others on 'how to get the girl' usually isn't as useful as you would hope. "Being the best you can be" is a form of "changing the essence of who you are". You're quibbling over semantics. Essentially, all you people have drunk so much of the Disney romantic bullshit that you're obsessed with "being yourself" to the point of fighting over semantics. Show nested quote +On May 03 2013 21:41 B.I.G. wrote:
Speaking for myself, taking advice from friends usually did more harm than good. Even though most of them are quite successful with women. Define "successful with women". Just because someone is attractive, does not mean they understand attraction. Meme that sums this up better:
I think what people mean is that lasting relationships are generally founded on honesty rather than fabricated personas. Now, obviously if you have terribly asocial tendencies, it's worth changing those. But it's not really worth sacrificing something you're passionate about just to get someone to like a version of you that doesn't exist.
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@Sunprince : my definition of being a better person, and being more attractive to women differ. Shocking I know.
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On May 04 2013 05:08 Shiori wrote:Show nested quote +On May 04 2013 05:01 sunprince wrote:On May 03 2013 21:41 B.I.G. wrote:
I agree with long post. Changing the essence of who you are is foolish. But trying to be the best you you can be is a noble persuit. That's also why getting advice from others on 'how to get the girl' usually isn't as useful as you would hope. "Being the best you can be" is a form of "changing the essence of who you are". You're quibbling over semantics. Essentially, all you people have drunk so much of the Disney romantic bullshit that you're obsessed with "being yourself" to the point of fighting over semantics. On May 03 2013 21:41 B.I.G. wrote:
Speaking for myself, taking advice from friends usually did more harm than good. Even though most of them are quite successful with women. Define "successful with women". Just because someone is attractive, does not mean they understand attraction. Meme that sums this up better: I think what people mean is that lasting relationships are generally founded on honesty rather than fabricated personas. Now, obviously if you have terribly asocial tendencies, it's worth changing those.
I said "change yourself", not "pretend to be someone else". Changing yourself does not imply a fabricated persona.
Improving your career success is not pretending. Getting into better shape is not pretending. Developing social skills is not pretending. To use an analogy, you don't pretend to be a better StarCraft player, you become one or you don't.
On May 04 2013 05:08 Shiori wrote:
But it's not really worth sacrificing something you're passionate about just to get someone to like a version of you that doesn't exist.
You're making shit up. Please point to anywhere at all where I suggested this.
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On May 04 2013 05:10 corumjhaelen wrote:
@Sunprince : my definition of being a better person, and being more attractive to women differ. Shocking I know.
I agree. However, being a better person will naturally increase your attractiveness along the way.
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Dating plating . There is an old saying; "A member in the hand is Better than a member in the Bush".
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People will go long ways and find the stupidest reason to cry in their little pool of tears rather than working on themselves and get better with hard work
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EPT
