EPTPlaying Starcraft, reading about Starcraft, thinking about Starcraft and watching Starcraft was one of the most entertaining things I've ever done. That was all fine when you're young and have time to kill. But you can't always do what you want. I've gotten older, but still clung onto those small things that made me happy, trying to filter out the rest of the world because everything seemed so shallow and worthless. It's fine while you keep yourself satisfied in your small little world with clearly defined boundaries, but when reality comes crashing down, your bubble breaks and you have no where to go to.
I really don't want to go into the specifics, and my personal affairs are neither ground breaking nor interesting by any means. They're just your everyday stories that you hear from your buddies, and normally a good slap in the face would do the trick. Be a man. Grow the hell up. Grow some balls and look at the world around you, you don't have it so bad. I wish I could. With time, I hope that I can look back at this miserable piece of work and laugh at what a desperate, attention-seeking whore I was. I really do. It's just that everything is so painful to me, even if in the objective eye, what I feel right now is nothing a normal man can't handle.
I didn't really get to know anyone in this site very well, probably because it is only the internet after all. If I was half-assed in real life, I'd be damned if I'm going to make more of an effort on cyberspace. I was content being one of the more forgettable people out there. But the thing is, this site was one of the bubbles I kept myself in in times of hardships. It's quite extraordinary how you can get so attached to the smallest things and make your own little thing out of it, and this site was one of the great addictions I had to keep myself occupied.
So thanks for the memories everyone. I think after a while, I actually got more attached to this site than any other, even if I didn't get to know anyone on a closer level because I thought I didn't have the time to do so, when the truth was I was just happy with the small things I did in this site. There were some hilarious people. People who knows a lot about Starcraft (truth be told I think Korean communities trumps you guys in this catergory, although you do have to filter a heck of a lot more for those quality posters). People who knows a lot about stuff I have little interest in but manage to keep me interested for a while. People who sound like they would be fun to hang out with. People who write well. Basically everyone who made this experience all worth while.
But I can't do it anymore. I have to stop. Not just here. Everywhere. It's like killing my inner child. It's going to hurt like hell. Maybe I won't even be able to to do it and keep lurking around. But I have to stop. I can't do this until I set everything straight. And I fear by the time I do that, people I know will have moved on, and the scene will change so much I'll feel alienated. It'll be like an ex-girlfriend I guess. I can't hide in my little bubble anymore. I just can't. And I don't know why I'm confessing all this at a site I've barely made a mark in, and I do apologize for boring the vast majority of people with what is more of a repetetive rambling that is basically a timid, pussy way of saying of "AHHHHHH FUCK I WANT TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE LIFE JUST HIT ME WHERE IT HURTS AND IT'S NOT GOING TO BE OKAY AND UNLESS I DO SOMETHING DRASTIC IT'S GOING TO BE THE RUIN OF ME". Although I know some of you people out there enjoy this kind of stuff. I know a small part of me liked reading stuff like this. I dunno, I wasn't always that twisted. Worrying about being perverted like that is way down on my list of priorities right now, so yeah, this is for you sickos out there, I guess I'm here to embarass myself for your pleasure.
I keep thinking of this scene of this movie. Gattaca. I can't relate to the main character of the movie. I keep relating myself with the other guy. The guy who was wallowing in despair before he gained enough strength through the human bonding he had with the main character, to end his demise. I can't seem to imagine summoning enough strength to pull myself out of this, but I can see myself ending it. Is that fucked up or what? Jesus christ what a narcissistic way of viewing my current state of being. Fuck I hate myself. It's like once you drown in your sorrows, you kind of get a perverted high of going deeper into your state of depression.
So enough with the psychotic, suicidal day dreaming. I'll just stop. If all turns out weings well, I'll have things all sorted out. My inner child being locked up, the little world that I had all but broken down, but me being a total whore to the society completed. My inner child may have kept me happy, but it just can't battle against the complete despair you have to face once to neglect the real world. I hope I can return here, not as a total mess that I am right now, but someone who can enjoy the things this community has to offer. I fear it won't quite be the same. Just like meeting your once best-friend after being out of touch for several years gives you that awkward feeling with that sad hint of nostalgia. Either way what I had with this site, as pathetic as it sounds, is over I guess. Fucked if I keep hiding here. Fucked if I basically kill who I was in order to fix what I have been neglecting all this time. Perhaps that's why people miss their childhood, because back then, your dreams and what you wanted occupied so much more of your mind, instead of worrying about dealing with the world outside.
Well. I think I've repeated even myself to boredom. God knows how those of you who actually read all this kept your attention going. So thanks everyone, even those I fail to remember that clearly, because it was fun while it lasted. Farewell.
