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Note: You can take a look at Chapter 1 and Introduction before reading this (if you haven't already), it will give you a better perspective of where I'm coming from and why I'm posting this wall of text. Thanks.
Well, this isn't my first choice on what to write next, but I figured I might as well get it out of the way.
So, how do the decisive factors of starting a relationship affect the course of it? I mean, does it matter where you meet? How? If she had a boyfriend or not? Etc. I think it does.
Looking back, most of my relationships began with either her being a friend of a friend, or meeting her on-line (not chat-rooms or irc, but more of a devart kind of thing). The place itself doesn't seem to matter much, but the person's state of mind does. Here goes it.
1. Complete strangers.
a) Her being single: Most common way of starting relationships, right? To me, this is the best way to do it. I have a friend who says that "things should come naturally and happen fast", meaning that you don't wait for 3 months before asking her out, or things like that. I think that making a move as soon as you figure out you want to make a move is very important, and this is what I wanted to stress out here. Don't be her friend if you wanna be with her. Knowing someone is ok, but being in a relationship moves things way faster. Even the getting to know you process, everything. A relationship means that she will trust you faster, share things easier, etc. So waiting for a while to befriend her first (>1 month) is very stupid. You will move into the friends zone and there's little to no hope of getting out of there. It sounds like cliche but it happened to me one too many times.
b) Her being in a relationship: This is the tricky point. My view on this is simple, though: You HAVE to let her know your intentions. If she's smart, she'll be ok with it even if she likes you or not. To me, this has proven to be a lot healthier than pretending to like her only as a friend and coming out with it 3 months later. I'll never do that again, that's for sure. It brings a world of hurt with it. You can't just wait around until she breaks up with her boyfriend, because you WILL NOT be the one she turns to. Girls who are bored of their relationship are usually seeking new things, and therefore will much easier go for someone who is still mysterious in some ways. I will admit that it usually takes longer to be with someone who is already in a relationship, but intentions should be put out there no matter what. Maybe she will give in fast, maybe she'll never give in, but as I said, if she's smart, you won't risk losing her as a friend (if you're worried about that to begin with). Now the way to show your intentions is a delicate matter, and differs from person to person, I won't get into that because this already sounds too much like "advice" then "random rambling about relationships" and I don't like it.
2) Friend-of-a-friend!
I don't really like this, because she'll stay friends with your friend after you break up. I usually take extra caution with these things and don't make moves unless I'm sure it will be more than a 1-week-thing. I really dislike it when it becomes awkward meeting your friend knowing that she's there (like birthday parties and such, things you can't really avoid), but lucky for me, I've stayed friends with the girls in these kind of relationships, which is probably the only thing that kept me out of really really weird situations.
3) Good friends: Don't do this. I've done it, it sucks. Don't. Seriously. The chances of it turning into something great are small, really small. There has to be a serious reason why you two didn't hook up before. If there isn't any, it means that one person didn't like the other one enough, and if that's the case, it probably won't change. I've managed to ruin two perfectly healthy friendship relationships by going "oh well you can spend the night, and finish watching this movie". Even if we still talk and go out, it will never be like before. Ever. And I hate that. Night hormones almost always win in the argument with the brain, and that's a bad thing.
Now the argument that naturally comes here is: there is no such thing as a friendship between a boy and a girl. One of them definitely holds feelings. That's true 95% of the time, but if none made any moves it means that these feelings are not that strong, so why fuck up a good thing?
OK I'll stop here. I know there's much more to talk about when starting relationships is the title, but I just don't like the way it's coming out. I don't want to stop though, so that's why I'm going to post anyway. If it sounds like advice, sorry, it's just how it spew out of me right now.
P.S.: Re-read it and it seems to have no start and no end. So this goes as a sum-up: To me, the best way to start a relationship is from 0. Complete strangers, drawn to each other mostly by aspect (sexual desire: check), and then finding out you actually fit together (emotional/psychological attraction: check). Anything else is an abomination of how things SHOULD work and usually have severe side-effects. The more you start with, the more you risk losing, and friends is NOT something I'd want to lose because I felt like screwing some girl (pardon my language).
 
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nice write up
definitely agree with starting from zero
also solves the entire friend zone problem
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I'm not sure about that "there is no such a thing as a friendship between a boy and a girl". I hate to give examples about my life because it sounds selfish but I have lots of friends that are girls that I don't have those "feelings for" Most of them are girls I like to talk to about sports.
But if there is no such a thing as just a friendship, I think it's the guys that are having feelings.
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A rather interesting read and I found that everything you have said is true.
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On May 17 2009 14:04 ZeeTemplar wrote:
A rather interesting read and I found that everything you have said is true.
Indeed. I'm not in a good position for a relationship right now really but I will come back to this if I am interested 
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United States5866 Posts
Your number 3 is completely and totally wrong, at least in my experience. My current fiance of three years(relationship length so far) was my best friend for a long long time.
That aside I think things like this are wrong all the time. You have some situations this falls under but some that don't
People seem to forget that individuals thrive under different circumstance. What works for you might not work for someone else.
You want to know the real trick to relationships? Know yourself, know what you WANT, and actually be confident in your intentions. How you go about this is totally and completely up to your own comfort zone.
In short... your blog is right some of the time, but to use this advice in a dynamic subject is a set up for total failure.
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fuck dude, im recently trying to start a relationship with a girl i've been friends with for a few months, not good good friends but a pretty decent friend, we both have feelings for each other but im sorta a socially awkward pansy. should i even bother?
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On May 17 2009 14:53 e.soul[gm] wrote:
fuck dude, im recently trying to start a relationship with a girl i've been friends with for a few months, not good good friends but a pretty decent friend, we both have feelings for each other but im sorta a socially awkward pansy. should i even bother?
Absolutely. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.
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grow balls, ask her out.
Seriously, its a tactic which works more often than not.
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On May 17 2009 14:53 e.soul[gm] wrote:
fuck dude, im recently trying to start a relationship with a girl i've been friends with for a few months, not good good friends but a pretty decent friend, we both have feelings for each other but im sorta a socially awkward pansy. should i even bother?
you're going to let a blog dictate your actions? Just go for it dude, and get over being an awkward pansy.
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On May 17 2009 17:39 EpiK wrote:Show nested quote +On May 17 2009 14:53 e.soul[gm] wrote:
fuck dude, im recently trying to start a relationship with a girl i've been friends with for a few months, not good good friends but a pretty decent friend, we both have feelings for each other but im sorta a socially awkward pansy. should i even bother? you're going to let a blog dictate your actions? Just go for it dude, and get over being an awkward pansy.
no, but what he said may be true, just got me thinking that's all. also, working on getting over being a pansy :3
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On May 17 2009 14:52 Jayme wrote:
Your number 3 is completely and totally wrong, at least in my experience. My current fiance of three years(relationship length so far) was my best friend for a long long time.
That aside I think things like this are wrong all the time. You have some situations this falls under but some that don't
People seem to forget that individuals thrive under different circumstance. What works for you might not work for someone else.
You want to know the real trick to relationships? Know yourself, know what you WANT, and actually be confident in your intentions. How you go about this is totally and completely up to your own comfort zone.
In short... your blog is right some of the time, but to use this advice in a dynamic subject is a set up for total failure.
I never said you should never do this, I said that the chances of it turning into something great are really really small. And I explained why (at least that's what happened in my experiences), may I ask why you didn't start dating your current fiancee sooner?
And yes, I know about "knowing yourself and what you want" I wrote about that in the previous entries, if I recall correctly. And no, I'm not giving advice, I'm not telling people what they should do, I know it sounds that way, but I'm just letting things off my chest and I know that what I'm saying doesn't apply to everyone, it's just the way I see things around me. So, we can go in more depth about this if you are willing to share more details.
edit: Actually, I know of one single relationship that turned out in the same manner as yours did. They were friends and they were both in other relationships for a long time. They've known each other for ages, and when they both moved away from home and ended up in the same city for college, they somehow dropped their relationships and hooked up with each other. They've been going at it for 4 years and are planning to get married. But this falls into the "serious reason why you haven't been together before" and that is: they were both in relationships with other people.
On May 17 2009 14:53 e.soul[gm] wrote:
fuck dude, im recently trying to start a relationship with a girl i've been friends with for a few months, not good good friends but a pretty decent friend, we both have feelings for each other but im sorta a socially awkward pansy. should i even bother?
Again, I'm not going to tell you what YOU should do, but I'm going to give you and example of what happened to me:
I was friends with this girl who was in a really long relationship, and I didn't want to make a move on her. We kept going out and spending a lot of time together, and I developed stronger and stronger feelings towards her. Once I felt that she might have those kinds of feelings for me too, I made a move and she turned me down, saying that she has too many things on her plate at the moment. I got over it, but about 1-2 months after that she hooked up with one of my friends (yeah, I know, but let's not get into that). Now, my friend's approach was something in the lines of "hey, I think you're awesomely hot, and I want to screw your brains out", and believe it or not, it worked. Not a one-night thing, but over the course of 1-2 months she gave in.
So... my point: if you really want to start a relationship with her and you know that she has feelings for you, you should first try to get your intentions out there somehow. It's your choice on how to do it: whether start making jokes with sexual innuendo, to let her know that you see her in that way (more than a friend), or just plain out say it, you know what should work better, but from my experience, doing things with a dash of subtlety works a lot better, and if you manage to disguise it in forms of "innocent" jokes, even better. Just hint towards things like that and see how she reacts. If she giggles about it and things like that, you're on the right track. But if she doesn't have those feelings towards you, then you will probably push her away once you come out with it. That being said, I would definitely go for it even knowing that I'd probably fail. (yes, I never take my own advice anyway).
Good luck.
Edit2: I also missed this post:
On May 17 2009 13:50 il0seonpurpose wrote:
I'm not sure about that "there is no such a thing as a friendship between a boy and a girl". I hate to give examples about my life because it sounds selfish but I have lots of friends that are girls that I don't have those "feelings for" Most of them are girls I like to talk to about sports.
But if there is no such a thing as just a friendship, I think it's the guys that are having feelings.
I also have a bunch of friends who are girls and I don't have feelings for, but if you're going to spend more time with them, then one of you will start developing stronger feelings. I don't think it's usually the guys, it's just that the guys usually make the first moves in things like this. Girls can go on for ages without letting you know that they want you to be more than a friend. Not all of them, of course, but some will.
I can honestly tell you that there is no girl that I've spent a significant amount of time with that hasn't developed feelings towards me OR that I haven't developed feelings towards. The good thing is that if you don't spend an excessive amount of time with each other, the feelings are not that strong, but I have yet to see a relationship where the guy/girl spend a LOT of time with each other, and none of them have any romantic feelings, nor did they fool around before. (In the way that, you could have a relationship with no strong romantic feelings after you've fooled around with someone, but that's also kind-of rare in my experience).
We can go deeper into this, but it's pure theory. And as I said, I think it applies to about 95% of male-female relationships. It's in our genetic code to start desiring more. Dumb DNA!
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On May 17 2009 18:06 e.soul[gm] wrote:Show nested quote +On May 17 2009 17:39 EpiK wrote:On May 17 2009 14:53 e.soul[gm] wrote:
fuck dude, im recently trying to start a relationship with a girl i've been friends with for a few months, not good good friends but a pretty decent friend, we both have feelings for each other but im sorta a socially awkward pansy. should i even bother? you're going to let a blog dictate your actions? Just go for it dude, and get over being an awkward pansy. no, but what he said may be true, just got me thinking that's all. also, working on getting over being a pansy :3
Sorry for bumping my own thread, but I'm quite curious to know what happens if you do go for it. Are you willing to share that information?
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EPT
