EPTnor is it true that your depression has to be around always. you may be more prone to sadness than other people, but if you establish a support system of friends and family for yourself, which admittedly is not easy, then i have no doubt you can live just as active and fulfilling a life as anyone else. you just need to take the initiative.
Depression and Ex's - Page 2
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ahrara_
Afghanistan1715 Posts
nor is it true that your depression has to be around always. you may be more prone to sadness than other people, but if you establish a support system of friends and family for yourself, which admittedly is not easy, then i have no doubt you can live just as active and fulfilling a life as anyone else. you just need to take the initiative. | ||
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mousey.rr
United States103 Posts
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iNCuBuS_
United States905 Posts
On May 31 2008 12:15 mousey.rr wrote: Alright so maybe you guys can be friends again in the future that sounds realistic. But i think you need to try to not be so desperate. Don't beg for her forgiveness or beg for her to like you. Just treat her as a friend and nothing more. Also 2 years is a long time and as they say first loves are the hardest to give up, that on top of your depression problems is obviously making this really hard for you. Just do your best to move on and not dwell on the past but instead set goals for the future (goals other than getting back together with her). Anyways thats just my advice, goodluck. Yeah, that where Im having problems. My therapist said it was fine to use her as motivation to get better, because we never know what will happen in the future. At least if I get better and am fine without her, then it wont matter as much if she accepts me back. Of course Ill always love her and I want to be her friend. She knows how much I care and hopefully someday she'll forgive my idiocy. Also, Im not trying to be desperate. I mean, I guess I understand where you're coming from. I guess wanting to get her back is being desperate, but I havent contacted her and wont keep checking up on her. I promised her I wouldnt contact her until I was better. I dont know if she wanted me to contact her or not when Im better because she didnt pick up the phone (obviously), but I guess I just have to wait and see. Im trying to focus on me, its really hard though. | ||
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iNCuBuS_
United States905 Posts
On May 31 2008 12:19 ahrara_ wrote: im sorry dude, but if you think what rayzorblade (a very wise guy, btw) said wasn't "positive advice" i don't know what the fuck you're looking for. i'm not going to sugarcoat the truth. it sounds like your problem is that you're not being exposed to enough people willing to give you constructive criticism of your behavior, or you don't listen to them. nor is it true that your depression has to be around always. you may be more prone to sadness than other people, but if you establish a support system of friends and family for yourself, which admittedly is not easy, then i have no doubt you can live just as active and fulfilling a life as anyone else. you just need to take the initiative. I didnt even see his post until I saw this one lol Oops | ||
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mousey.rr
United States103 Posts
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Descent
1244 Posts
On May 31 2008 12:21 iNCuBuS_ wrote: Yeah, that where Im having problems. My therapist said it was fine to use her as motivation to get better, because we never know what will happen in the future. At least if I get better and am fine without her, then it wont matter as much if she accepts me back. Of course Ill always love her and I want to be her friend. She knows how much I care and hopefully someday she'll forgive my idiocy. Also, Im not trying to be desperate. I mean, I guess I understand where you're coming from. I guess wanting to get her back is being desperate, but I havent contacted her and wont keep checking up on her. I promised her I wouldnt contact her until I was better. I dont know if she wanted me to contact her or not when Im better because she didnt pick up the phone (obviously), but I guess I just have to wait and see. Im trying to focus on me, its really hard though. I read the whole post. Props for writing the entire post~ But next time, use more paragraphing, please! x3 I think the bit mousey.rr wrote about setting "goals for the future (goals other than getting back together with her)" is pretty sound. I don't know the extent of your clinical depression, but I do think you should look into disregarding your therapist's advice as using your love as motivation. One, that's devoting your energies into the same topic you're trying to break free of; Two, I think you should try to set some new goals as mousey.rr suggested and you mentioned; and Three, I think that dehumanizes your love into an utter object. =( Which would be a corrupted love, and an obsession...That is to say, if you truly love her, you must be willing to endure without. Also, good luck. x3 And yes, post if you need it, but remember, paragraphs please.~ Edit: + Show Spoiler + On May 31 2008 12:25 mousey.rr wrote: I dont think you should use her as motivation to get better because whats gonna happen when you get better and she doesnt accept you back then you realize your not fine without her? You need your own motivation to get yourself better. Do it for you not for her. Oh, I agree with mousey.rr again. =O But my post loses in speed! | ||
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qet
Australia244 Posts
quit wow  | ||
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ahrara_
Afghanistan1715 Posts
but Im not ready to let it go This is your problem right here. You're not even trying. You're not even willing to try. This is not the right attitude for you, her, or anyone close to her. Until you realize that there is the possibility of happiness without her, then you can't move on, seriously. You CAN get over her, you just have to put in the effort. + Show Spoiler + a confession: i was in your position a couple of years ago in my teen years, and i did some things similar to what you did and that was really embarassing in retrospect. i also suffered from a lot of depression (although not as severe, it looks like). since, i've shaped up and matured a lot, and I am on pretty good terms with this girl. she is actually a really good friend now, although there was a point when we didn't talk at all... for months. so there is "hope". but it requires that you grow up a lot. the advice i'm giving you is based on intimate experience with exactly what you're going through. at first i was replying out of frustration, but i seirously feel compassion for you now, the more i reflect on it, as evidenced by the fact im even telling you this, which would not have happened if you'd approached me in perosn. you can thank me by heeding my advice. i want to see you do well. good luck with everything. | ||
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iNCuBuS_
United States905 Posts
On May 31 2008 11:36 Rayzorblade wrote: Man, I read about two-thirds of that and to be quite frank, you're an emotional, selfish wreck. This girl basically tries to tell you that she doesn't want you anymore (and really, who can blame another person for their being honest? - You should be glad she told you rather than carry the relationship on in fear of your obvious mental instability, at the cost of what would amount to a total charade as an ongoing relationship. And you basically do exactly what she afraid you would do. In addition to this, you couldn't take "no" for an answer and her mother had to intervene on behalf of her - not because she really still wants you (stop kidding yourself already, it's unhealthy; I'm sure she still loves you, but this is NOT the same as wanting to be with you), but because she already tried to tell you and you reacted exactly how she expected you to: like a groveling lunatic. Her mother didn't intervene because the girl couldn't tell you straight up (obviously she couldn't, because she had to coddle and baby you so you wouldn't go off the deep end right there in front of her and do God knows what); her mother intervened because she was concerned for her daughter's emotional well-being and, what I suspect, perhaps her physical well-being as well. After all, just how mentally unstable are you? Lastly, I'm quite sorry if I'm being too frank (I've had too much to drink), but you sound like a genuinely nice guy who is wallowing in self-pity that is totally uncalled for. You are alive. Enjoy that. This alone is enough to be filled with joy. Or even better yet: enjoy the fact that, despite how mentally fucked up you are, despite that you cried like a pussy, despite that you are socially awkward and inexperienced, despite your social anxiety, your petty arguments, your depression, despite all this - someone loved you. However, the fact remains that this someone no longer wants to be with you, for whatever reasons - be that they think the relationship is unhealthy or stale or that they are just moving on. You have to realize that yes, she was a really good girl to put up with all this, but there will be others, and others, and others, and if you're lucky, you'll find the girl who will put up with all of it and ask for more. In the meantime, try to get help. You need it. I realize she no longer wants to be with me. But Im sure she still loves me and I hope someday to be friends with her again, and show her how much I care. And I want to show her Im sorry for treating her as I did. I dont think what I did was too far from what most people do. We were together for 2 years and were in love. She couldnt expect me to just be like 'ok its over' and never talk to her again. I didnt call her every day, but I did call her when I was symptomatic (which wasnt all the time). When I went into the hospital my mother called her and told her not to contact me I guess, and she cried and apologized. So that right there shows that she cares about me, does it not? I realize if we were to be friends sometime down the line it wouldnt be the same, and that would definitely be a good thing. Perhaps you're right about her mother intervening. But when she broke up with me I wasnt really given a good reason and the way she was treating me led me on. I dont think you can deny that. Also, I would never hurt another human being. I have gotten beat up before and never thrown a punch. She knows (as does her mother) that I would never lay a finger on her in a harmful way. I mean, we were so close I actually went over her house while she was at school and hung out with her sister and her mom. So they know me better than that. And yeah, I am pretty mentally unstable. Im well aware. If I could fix it easily, I would. I wouldnt say Im so mentally unstable I would snap and kill someone. Thats pretty far beyond my reach, to be honest. Im a pacifist through and through. The only person who ever gets my anger is me. And I like to think Im a nice guy. And yes, I do have self-pity probably. But this whole alive thing is different for you and I. I wake up some days and want to be dead. You may have some of those days, but I gaurantee they are nowhere near as constant as mine, unless you too are depressed. Im not going to respond to the rest of it because its a little harsh. | ||
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Straylight
Canada706 Posts
Cut your losses and go. | ||
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iNCuBuS_
United States905 Posts
On May 31 2008 12:25 mousey.rr wrote: I dont think you should use her as motivation to get better because whats gonna happen when you get better and she doesnt accept you back then you realize your not fine without her? You need your own motivation to get yourself better. Do it for you not for her. Im trying... when we were together, she had encouraged me to go the hospital but I didnt want to go because I didnt think it was that bad and because I was scared. My mother went to the hospital a few years before, so I knew it wasnt a good place. | ||
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ahrara_
Afghanistan1715 Posts
at the very least, you can accept your flaws. that's a great deal farther than some people are willing to go. now you need to be ready to work at them. | ||
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iNCuBuS_
United States905 Posts
On May 31 2008 12:31 ahrara_ wrote: This is your problem right here. You're not even trying. You're not even willing to try. This is not the right attitude for you, her, or anyone close to her. Until you realize that there is the possibility of happiness without her, then you can't move on, seriously. You CAN get over her, you just have to put in the effort. + Show Spoiler + a confession: i was in your position a couple of years ago in my teen years, and i did some things similar to what you did and that was really embarassing in retrospect. i also suffered from a lot of depression (although not as severe, it looks like). since, i've shaped up and matured a lot, and I am on pretty good terms with this girl. she is actually a really good friend now, although there was a point when we didn't talk at all... for months. so there is "hope". but it requires that you grow up a lot. the advice i'm giving you is based on intimate experience with exactly what you're going through. at first i was replying out of frustration, but i seirously feel compassion for you now, the more i reflect on it, as evidenced by the fact im even telling you this, which would not have happened if you'd approached me in perosn. you can thank me by heeding my advice. i want to see you do well. good luck with everything. Thank you for the spoilered advice. That is what I want. Just to be friends with her and treat her like she deserves to be treated. If we dont end up together, then so be it. Some days I wake up and Im fine. Some days I wake up and Im sick to my stomach. We both have a lot of growing up to do, and I know I have to change a lot of shit in my life. I posted this more to get help with myself and to tell you whats been going on than to get advice about her. I have my mind set on at least trying to contact her again someday down the line, but for the time being, I have to focus on me. Thats the hard part. I know to move on I have to let her go, I guess Im just not ready. I dont know what it takes to be ready. Ive already met a new girl who is fun to hang out with, but shes definitely not the same. Im going to continue to try and meet new girls. Who knows? Maybe one of them will end up replacing my ex. I dont know what will happen down the line, and thats what is keeping me back. Just out of curiosity - the ex that you are friends with now, did you initially contact her after your long silence or did she contact you? Some people are saying to wait to see if she contacts me someday, but others are saying it would be ok to contact her down the road when Im better. The main thing that is fucking me up is not knowing how she is going to feel down the road. I know I have no control over it and shouldnt worry about it, but currently I cant help it. | ||
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iNCuBuS_
United States905 Posts
On May 31 2008 12:28 Descent wrote: I read the whole post. Props for writing the entire post~ But next time, use more paragraphing, please! x3 I think the bit mousey.rr wrote about setting "goals for the future (goals other than getting back together with her)" is pretty sound. I don't know the extent of your clinical depression, but I do think you should look into disregarding your therapist's advice as using your love as motivation. One, that's devoting your energies into the same topic you're trying to break free of; Two, I think you should try to set some new goals as mousey.rr suggested and you mentioned; and Three, I think that dehumanizes your love into an utter object. =( Which would be a corrupted love, and an obsession...That is to say, if you truly love her, you must be willing to endure without. Also, good luck. x3 And yes, post if you need it, but remember, paragraphs please.~ Edit: + Show Spoiler + On May 31 2008 12:25 mousey.rr wrote: I dont think you should use her as motivation to get better because whats gonna happen when you get better and she doesnt accept you back then you realize your not fine without her? You need your own motivation to get yourself better. Do it for you not for her. Oh, I agree with mousey.rr again. =O But my post loses in speed! Geez. Sorry I typed it in Word and the paragraphing was nice lol Next time Ill go back and fix it all up. I know I need to set goals and not worry about her. Im trying to come up with a plan to keep myself busy and shit. I will admit that when I was calling her and stuff I was being obsessive. I obviously didnt realize it at the time. She was just all I had going for me because I let the rest of my life slip through the cracks. So whenever I had a problem, she was all I had to turn to for help. When she left me, and I was feeling suicidal or down, I had nobody to turn to and so I tried to turn to her. I wasnt trying to stalk her or scare her or whatever and I didnt even think it was possible I was doing that until she told me. | ||
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iNCuBuS_
United States905 Posts
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Descent
1244 Posts
On May 31 2008 12:45 iNCuBuS_ wrote: Also, I dont recall who said something like 'its almost like you want her to read this', but someone said something like that. I really dont want her to read it. I left out her name, where we live, and the school she goes to (had to go back and delete some of that in Word before posting) because I dont want there to be a chance she sees this. I know that would just scare her more and keep her away for good. I posted to get some advice and support. Mm, just wondering, but why do you assume that the post would scare her away? Obviously anonymity in such a situation is a virtue, but were she to know who the post applied to and then read all of it, isn't there a possibility that it would increase her belief in your genuineness? Or is there some reason otherwise...? | ||
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iNCuBuS_
United States905 Posts
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Descent
1244 Posts
Edit: * Well, what I meant by that is even if you were behaving obsessively at first, you've come to realize it and hopefully act otherwise; and at least, you have conveyed some regret at that obsessive behavior.~ | ||
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conCentrate9
United States438 Posts
Someone told me I have to be okay without her before I can truly be okay with her. This is the key right here and you already know it! No one wants to be in a relationship where they are the only thing in their lover's lives. If you can better your life without her, just imagine how great it would be once you DO get back together. But of course you have to start living a confident single man's life, which you seem to be progressing toward. Don't tell her that you've been improving, show her that you have improved. (don't send her any messages anymore... at least for now.) You will have a moment where you'll know that you've changed for the better and then you can let her know that. Keep doing what your doing basically, strive for that 'fine feeling' when you wake up instead of the sickness (I've been there). W/e, you'll be alright <_<. =) | ||
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Rayzorblade
United States1172 Posts
On May 31 2008 12:36 ahrara_ wrote: at the very least, you can accept your flaws. that's a great deal farther than some people are willing to go. now you need to be ready to work at them. Perhaps one of the most poignant things I've read in this thread. Take that to heart. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh Incubus (chalk it up to being tipsy-nearing-drunk), but I don't think my advice would be any different were I sober (take it back: I'd probably beat-around-the-bush a lot more, which would do you or I no good). You know, I have issues too. We all do. We all have our own sob stories. Before I go to bed at night I often squirm and wring my hands about my mortality - I am terrified of death. The idea that I am in the here and now and that the world is "only in my head" - that I will never have another "here and now"; it all terrifies me to the point of panic and tears. Sometimes at night I burst into tears, whispering, "Dear God," "oh God," "oh God," "help me," when in reality I decided a long time ago that I was unsure IF there was EVEN a God. I have these kind of thoughts all the time, despite having a beautiful fiance, a good job, a good brain, good health, and a great body (yes, I can admit to these selfless appraisals without a single caveat). But at the end of the day: I feel empty and terrified of the uncertainty of death. However, doesn't make my life less fulfilling and I don't wallow in the fact that yes, one day everyone I love and cherish will die - and I will too. Should I be consumed with pity over it? No - I should cherish my life all the more, because it is the only one I have. The fact of the matter is that there are children in sub-Sahara Africa, only toddlers, who haven't eaten in over two weeks. They are fly-ridden, clutching their bloated little bellies, and stuffing their mouth full of sand. And YOU think YOU have it bad? Everything is only the "worst-thing-in-the-world" when it's happening to us. I know. I've been there. We all have. The difference between you and I (and a billion other people in the world) is that we recognize that we could have it a lot worse. | ||
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