EPTSo anyways, to make a really long story short, my ex and I had been going out for two years in January. We had been having a rocky time, since she goes to school a couple hours away. When we first met, I was depressed, but meeting my first girlfriend made me happy and the depression went away for a bit. At one point, about a half a year into our relationship, I got Lyme disease. It put me out of commission for a good few months, and I essentially had to stay in my room. When I finally got control of it, my depression had come back and I also developed social anxiety… meaning I would get sick going out into public being around people. We struggled through it, and we had some other issues during our time together, such as her thinking I cheated on her (I would never do that) and other shit. My depression got really bad and I stopped contacting all my friends and relied on her to be happy. Obviously since I saw her maybe two times a month while she was at school, this was kind of a problem, since we never saw each other. So I was always depressed and pretty much just let my time pass me by.
We would have fights on AIM but never in person. On AIM, its hard to tell if someone is joking or not, you know? So we’d misconstrue what the other was saying and shit… sometimes the fights would carry over to the phone. Usually our phone conversations were fine. But eventually it got to the point where I stopped calling her at nights and just relied on using AIM because I was that depressed that I couldn’t even get up to call her. So the fights got more and more common, and we had some bad ones. The thing is, sometimes in person things would be “different,” but that was because we’d gone a few weeks without seeing each other and would have just recently had a fight. But one of the last few times I saw her was in February. We had spent our 2 year anniversary together at a hotel. We didn’t buy each other an anniversary gift, but to show her I truly loved her (and I did, and I do), I got her a bracelet and a ring for Valentine’s Day, along with some other things, totaling around 300$ or so. I am not rich by any means, and have been struggling with money for years, but I had to show her I cared some way, and being depressed, that was one of my few options. So one of the last times I saw her when I visited her at school, we had a blast. Things were exactly like they were when we first met. I thought things were going well. And then she came home for her school break…
At first everything was cool. We hung out Sunday and she was cuddly and kissing me and laughing and stuff. But then Monday she was hanging out with her mom and didn’t call me that night. Tuesday I called her a couple times but she didn’t call back, so I thought something happened. Wednesday I called her before school and again after class, and she finally called me back, telling me she had something to tell me. I asked her what and she told me… but wanted to come to my house anyways to talk about it. She said the reasons she was breaking up with me were because of my depression, my anxiety, and the fact that I lacked ambition and that we were “too different.” We wouldn’t have been together for two years if we were different, though. I knew we had problems, but things seemed to be going well. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I was willing to go to therapy with her to help us fix things. I truly love this girl. It came as such a shock. I did what I’m sure most people do when they are broken up with – I called her and bugged her for a few days after, asking why and if we could be together again and stuff. When she broke up with me, she was holding me and kissing me and held my hand while she spoke to me and cried when I cried. I know it hurt her to break up with me, and she said someday maybe we could be friends. So of course I thought I still had a chance with her – she was holding me and was just as sad as I was that we were breaking up.
So after a few weeks, of calling and shit (not every day, just when I was really symptomatic with my depression) and not getting any response… I finally get somewhat “closure” with her saying she doesn’t think we could ever be together again because we’re too different. This really upset me, so I called her three times. Apparently she called her mom crying and her mom called my parents, telling them to tell me to stop trying to call her. I had my parents call her mom back and have her mom call me. Essentially her mom said it was over and all this shit. She was trying to be nice, but it was quite obvious her only concern was her daughter. So anyways, I say Ill stop calling.
At some point (I think before I called her those three times) I end up waking my parents up in the middle of the night saying I have to go to the hospital. They bring me, and an ambulance brings me to the mental hospital. I was on the verge of killing myself and had to get help. I called my ex crying before I went telling her I was going. I told her I would send her a message when I got out. At the hospital I had no worries and felt fine. I got out after 5 days. I sent my ex a message and she apologized for being harsh in her previous message and said she didn’t think I would actually go to the hospital because I had been threatening to do so for a while.
Fast forward a few weeks, I’m now almost done with school. I asked her sister when she would be coming home and asked one of her friends from school, but neither answered. I wanted to give her her shit back before she got home to avoid more conflict. I called her house and her mom answered. I told her mother my frustration that her daughter couldn’t just tell me it was over. Her mom eventually got frustrated with me for asking to speak to her daughter. So anyways, around 4 o’clock I go over there when her mother told me too, and of course her daughter’s car is gone. She had come home that day, but couldn’t be in the house while I was there for some reason. I get my stuff back and her mom said some really rude things to me, such as implying I was stalking her daughter and calling me a rapist. I won’t go into what she said for your sake, but it was definitely the wrong thing to say even if she didn’t mean it the way she said it. So I pull up the street, and turn around because not all of my stuff is in the bag. I write down what else I want back.
Fast forward again, another couple weeks. I decide to send her a message on Myspace trying to end things on a good note. I tell her how I felt about what her mom said, and I told her what I was up to and what I thought her reasons were for breaking up with me (since she never really told me). Much to my surprise, she responded. She responded negatively. I don’t have the conversations because I deleted them. She defended her mom (of course) without apologizing for what her mother said. Whatever. We send messages back and forth a bit. At one point she changed her myspace status to something that upset me, so I commented on a friend’s myspace about it. We cleared it up though in a message, and my ex told me to delete that comment about her because it was slandering her. So whatever, I did. Then something else happened that upset me and I commented on the friend’s page again… but my ex told me she can forgive me for acting like I did when we first broke up because I was depressed. I honestly didn’t know my depression could make me do stupid shit that was irrational and retarded. Then she must have seen the other comment I posted, so she sends me a new message saying she never wants to hear from me again and proceeds to block me on myspace, facebook, and changes her status on myspace to something like “is not giving any more chances. ITS OVER.” So all this happens, and then I take my finals the next day… I didn’t do too well but I don’t care about school at this point. I called her after my finals and left a message, crying and saying I was sorry and I promised her I wouldn’t contact her again for a long time.
Also during this myspace message exchange I ask for both the lingerie that she hadn’t given me back (she said I could have it all back when she was at my house breaking up with me, because I wanted it because it would kill me to know she was wearing it for another man) and also the jewelry (she said I could have it back, and since the jewelry was well over 500$ total, I figured Id take it). She said she was keeping some of the lingerie for herself since she bought it, but that she would mail the rest of it and the jewelry to me that week. She also wanted one piece of the lingerie that I had in my possession back, since she bought it. I said I would send it to her when I got my stuff in the mail.
So today is Friday, and it’s been about three weeks since that exchange. I’ve thought about contacting her, but I haven’t. I have yet to receive my stuff in the mail, and I have not yet sent her the one lingerie piece she wants back. I have been talking to friends I know from online and I have been seeing my therapist and psychiatrist weekly because the hospital told me I had to. I have been trying to put my life back together. I have been hanging out with friends, and I met a new girl who is cool (I’m not ready for a new relationship, and she doesn’t want one either, so it’s all good) and lots of her friends. I’ve been trying to get out of the house more. Before we broke up, I basically just saw her and stayed at home and worked and went to school. Now that I don’t have her, I have to fill in the other voids in my life. I got into contact with old friends from High School (I’m now going into senior year at college) and apologized for neglecting them over the past few years, and told them I had depression. Most of them didn’t know and they sympathized with me. So besides trying to see my friends, I’ve been trying to exercise daily (just jogging and push ups and sit ups) and have been trying to eat healthy. I’ve also started reading “Shortcut through Therapy” and “Undoing Depression” to help me out.
I’m trying to be positive and stuff… but there’s one huge problem. I truly fell hard for this girl. She was my dream girl. We had talked about getting married and having kids. We talked about traveling together and stuff. She was more outspoken about that sort of stuff, but my depression hindered me greatly. Of course I didn’t want to talk about traveling to other countries when I could barely get off my own couch… you know? So we had talked of marriage and kids. I was going to propose to this girl after college. We had one more fucking year left. I honestly love her. I realize I leaned on her and relied on her to be happy, which I shouldn’t have done. She had been seeing a therapist too, because she had her own problems to deal with (I never knew exactly what, but she says that’s because we were always focusing on my problems). We both have our own shit to fix. I think I have a lot more to work on than her. She has said she doesn’t want to hear from me ever again and stuff… but I know deep down she at least did care about me a lot. It killed her to break up with me and cried whenever I tried to call her because it scared her (thought I was stalking her) and because she didn’t want me to be hurt.
So the problem is that I still want her. I guess I’m a romantic in the respect that I believe in happy endings and fairy tale endings… I want us to be together and I know we would make it work. I realize I need to put my life back together first, but it’s really hard to do so currently. I am trying to use getting her back as motivation, but knowing she said she never wants to talk to me again hurts… and I know people say things when they’re mad that they don’t mean… but what if she does mean it? My plan was to contact her like 8-9 months from now when we’re on Christmas break and just see how she is (that is, if I’m in better shape mentally). And yeah, I can use that timeframe as motivation and try to fix myself, but it’s the unknown that is killing me. She could not respond which would be devastating. She could respond that she said she never wanted to hear from me again. That would also be devastating. I hope to be in good enough spirits by then to just send her a happy “how are you” message and get a response and go from there. It’s just really hard for a depressed-as-hell guy like me to focus on the good when there is so much that could shatter it all, again. I feel vulnerable banking all my emotion on that. I know she could easily shun me once more and tell me she never wants to hear from me again. I’m trying to just focus on getting better so that I can move on. Someone told me I have to be okay without her before I can truly be okay with her. That makes sense to me… but I just feel like shit right now. I’ve tried to look at it in a good way and use it as motivation, but just knowing there’s a very real chance she could not respond or send me a painful message back is hurting my attempts at that. It’s like I can already feel the pain from getting rejected after trying to so hard to get better and show her that, you know?
So Team Liquid, I turn to you. Does anyone have any advice? I know I need to focus on myself and get better if I ever want to have a chance of winning her back. A girl friend I know from playing WoW was trying to help me, and said not to contact her and to give her space. Of course being all symptomatic and fucked up, I kept trying to contact her because she was all that I had to lean on, and suddenly it was all gone. So it got to the point where she thought I was stalking her, and I scared her. And now my friend from WoW told me that my ex is no idiot and that she would most likely not get back together with someone who scared her. Is this true? I understand I scared her and I already apologized and continue to want to apologize. I’ve beaten myself up for it and hate myself for all the mistakes I’ve made. She has already forgiven me for contacting her when we first broke up and knows that my depression got so bad I was pushed to the brink and went to the hospital. I may end up back there if I cannot get out of this hole I’m currently in. But she knew I loved her and I know she loved me. I still have hope.
I guess I’ll just put some interesting facts here for you guys… this is already 5 pages so thanks for reading this far
--- I think deep down she didn’t really want to break up with me because she truly loved me. I think her mother and therapist helped her make that decision.
--- She had tried to break up with me in January, but when she saw how much it hurt me, she couldn’t do it.
--- She played WoW with me and I am hoping my friend from WoW will continue to email my ex and see if she will start playing again. I told my friend I would leave the server if my ex got on to show I mean no harm, and play on a different server or find something else to do. I am hoping my ex will start playing again because that would at least give us a segway to start talking again at some point
--- If she doesn’t start playing again… well… I’m not banking on her contacting me down the road. So my goal was to send her a message via email (I no longer have her school address or I would have sent a flower and a card) just asking how she is, and asking for a response. I know that sounds stupid to say ‘I understand if you’re not ready to talk yet but please send me a response to let me know that’ or whatever, but I just feel like I need a response either way. It took us like 2 months get closure as it is… partly because she wouldn’t confront me and partly because of me… but regardless, relationships don’t always end immediately when one person breaks up with the other.
--- When we broke up, she didn’t just mention being friends, but also fuck buddies (friends with benefits)
--- We were each others first sexual experience
--- Her mood on myspace (even though her profile is private I can still see her quote and mood) one day was “flirty” which really upset me. The next day, however, it was “used” which made me feel a little better. Obviously I felt bad and wanted to ask if she was ok, but at least it means she didn’t get a new boyfriend or whatever.
--- I have not contacted her since I called her crying that day after finals when I promised I wouldn’t contact her. I have checked her myspace status a few times but I have promised my friend from WoW who has been helping me that I would not anymore.
--- Her mother was basically a middle man through this whole thing, which I found immature. I just wanted one sentence telling me it was over for real or whatever. But maybe she couldn’t tell me it was over for real because maybe she still loved me? Anyways, I didn’t want to get my mother involved, but next week will be one month since she said she’d mail me my stuff, so I might have my mother call her and see if she has mailed it or not (if she mailed it and it got lost I’d be pissed)
--- I intend to keep the jewelry in a box of the stuff I have from my ex so that if we do end up talking some day I can someday show her the box and we can reminisce and I can ask her to wear my ring again… because I would show her I truly love her. Of course we’d have to start off just talking or whatever, but if we hung out in person someday, we could be friends again.
--- The reason I chose Christmas break was because the distance killed us big time… killed me big time. I figured if we got coffee or went out to eat to catch up over Christmas break and we became friends, I could show her how much I care about her (as a friend, at first) by not getting upset over the distance and supporting her.
Alright sorry this is so long. I’ll stop there. Is it okay if I continue to post my blogs here (she knew I visited this site and could probably figure out my name is iNCuBuS, and it’s a public website… so there is a small chance she could find it I guess) and keep you guys updated? I tell my friends and therapist and psychiatrist, but sometimes I feel like they question whether I should chase her or not. I just really love her and don’t want to give up on her. I am willing to give her years if she needs it to be healed… whatever it takes. So if I keep posting here would you guys be willing to give me advice and I’d keep you all updated on how I’m doing and stuff. I’m currently working on a plan to keep myself busy and shit so I don’t have idle time to think about her. That’s when I really get depressed. I’ll post the plan when I get it all smoothed out and shit. Thanks again guys.
