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Hey man, i'm going to post in english even though it's kind of weird to be talking to you in english, simply because this is TL.net...
First i'd like to say i'm sorry for what you're going through and I know what you're going through... well not exactly but I have my past experiences as well with a father that was denying his problems.
My dad wasn't an alcoholic, but he was really miserable. He failed in life and was a very sad person and the only thing he was doing is being on his computer 12 hours a day and "work" like he said. His attitude was ALWAYS negative, never a bright day with a happy father, every single day he would punish me for stupid stuff like wearing shoes instead of boots when coming home from school in winter, he would always piss me off for no reasons and yell at my mother. He put my brother in a centre d'acceuil very young because they couldn't get along. We were victims of his repressed rage.
We barely spoke to eachother before he left the house, we were just living together as if we were roommates but we would never ever have conversations, only stupid things relating to doing stuff in or around the house. He was a nightmare to live with until he began to realize how big of a loser he was and decided to change, first step for him was to leave the house, he met a new girl and lives with her now and he found a good job and he's a lot more happy than he used to be and a better man too, but we still don't talk much to eachothers, ever. He admitted his wrongdoings though which is good.
Anyways, unfortunately I don't have a solution for you, but just thought i'd let you know and wish you the best... like rekrul said you are the key to this right now, hope you can help your father come to his senses. If not, don't let him hurt your or your mom's life any longer if you see that he doesn't change. Good luck.
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Hey. I'm familiar with a situation that is very much like yours. But my grandpa was the problem instead.
I had a lot of fun with my grandfather when I was younger, he love children, still does, and he's like another person when being around small children. He's happy, he's generous, he's funny etc... But as soon as I got older, and so did he, things started to fuck up horribly.
As I grew older I was no longer his lovely young grandchild, I was a teenager, and from that point on, he has been treating me like crap. And I dare say, he must've treated my aunt and my dad like crap aswell when they grew older. He's an alcoholic, but unlike your father, he's stopped drinking now and hasn't had a drink for nearly 2 years. But before these 2 years, it was hell for my dad, his sister and my grandmother.
But, his behaviour still remains even though he's not drinking. Thing is that the alcohol fucked him up so bad, that it changed his personality to the worse forever, sober or drunk. He gets annoyed for the smallest things, he's very slow-minded (Because of the heavy abuse of alcohol and old aged combined) and he's really miserable. I can tell he's really sorry for what he has done to both his children, and his grandchildren, and his wife. But it's like instead of admitting he's sorry, he just keeps on going on like it was his way to deffend himself.
When I was younger I never imagined my beloved grandfather to be a wife-beater and a drunk, but it turned out that I knew shit, because my father kept it from me in my younger years, because he didn't want me to hate my grandfather from the start. He wanted to give both me and my grandfather a chance.
Finally, when I was about 15, my dad told me the living hell he had been put up with just because his fathers alcohol-abuse. He had been beaten, not that bad though, but slapped and yelled at several times. But it was worse for his mother, my grandmother. She takes care of everything in the house, and I mean everything, she cooks, she does laundry, she brings in the money for the bills etc and all she gets for that is crap. I'm not really sure what you could do to fix the situation, because sadly enough, my grandfather only realized he had a problem when he nearly died of his liver failuring, and heartproblems.
First he had a heart-attack, but he didn't blame it on the alcohol but clearly everyone knew that it had something to do with it. Then he started abusing painkillers together with alcohol, and it almost killed him. He had to be driven with an ambulance to the emergency and he was minutes from death.
What my father never did was to really take care of the situation, and he regrets it so bad even until this day. He simply left it all, he moved out, married my mom, got a decent job and just forgot everything about it. I don't know how many times he's said to me how ashamed he is that he just left his mother and younger sister with his father, but he said that he could either leave and get his own life, or get dragged down with him.
So I guess, you really have to force the rehabilation on your father or leave. Simple as that, maybe your mother is staying in the house just because she doesn't want to leave you, talk with your mom and work something out. Because a drunk will never admit his problems until it's really obvious for him or until you FORCE him to realize it. Talk your mother into leaving him too, use your advantage over him and tell him that it's either his family, or the alcohol, he has to make a choice. If he chooses the alcohol, you need to make a point and at least leave for a while, if you fear for your mother, try talking her into leaving too.. to go live with her relatives or something.
I'm not sure if you can force rehab at someone, but if there's some kind of alcohol-clinic that can actually help you with that, I'd advice you to contact them first before anything else.
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So I guess, you really have to force the rehabilation on your father or leave. Simple as that, maybe your mother is staying in the house just because she doesn't want to leave you, talk with your mom and work something out. Because a drunk will never admit his problems until it's really obvious for him or until you FORCE him to realize it. Talk your mother into leaving him too, use your advantage over him and tell him that it's either his family, or the alcohol, he has to make a choice. If he chooses the alcohol, you need to make a point and at least leave for a while, if you fear for your mother, try talking her into leaving too.. to go live with her relatives or something.
This is pretty much the truth. As much as it sucks, and as merz said, they wont' change unless they have to make a change. And even then it can be really hard to do.
My story isn't the same, as most aren't, but I have my relating points. My mom and dad split up when I was 8 yrs old, so although I have good memories of my dad from when he lived with us, most of the time I was too young to truly appreciate what I had. Every time I was around my dad he would be drinking but I wouldn't have really considered him an alcoholic. I could only see him on weekends and he worked full time during the week, so it didn't really surprise me that he drank. I found out later from my stepmom thought that it was a lot worse than what most perceived.
My dad has admitted to being an alcoholic for 9 years, but in all reality we have no idea how long he has been an alcoholic. However, as merz also pointed out, alcoholism can and will kill you if you continue to let it go. My dad is now dying of liver failure because of the huge strain that he put on his liver. Most alcoholics don't really stop to think about this aspect, but it is one that should not be overlooked.
As everyone has already touched on, something has to change. My stepmom gave my dad the ultimatum that if he ever drank again, she would leave him. Soon after he found out that he had stage 4 cirrhosis and that kind of pushed the envelope a little more. I would encourage that your dad tries to look into an AA program as one already suggested. My dad has now been sobered up for over 2 years and continues to go to his meetings everyday or at least every other day. The type of support that that place gets is unbelievable.
My dad has his "call buddies" that if they are feeling down or feeling like they are going to drink, they call their person and get help. One night we were sitting around and my dad got a call and talked to the guy and although the guy had already drank a little, my dad was able to talk to him and kind of help him get rid of the stress. I am proud of my dad for making the commitment to staying at AA. They even offer support groups for the families of alcoholics. This is something even you could look into going to with your mother. A place where you can find other people who are in a similar situation. Moreover, its a place where its not a competition, no one's situation is worse than another's.
I know I've kind of spent a little time focusing on my story but overall I think I just want to express one last impression of AA and then I'll let you stop reading. I was talking one day to my dad and I was kind of curious as to why he was continuing to go 2 years after he had stopped drinking. He didn't take anytime to respond and immediately said that it was pretty simple, if he didn't go he might not have the strength to not drink. As you know it won't be easy for your dad to stop, but it is possible. More than anything he is going to need your support, but he will also need you to be firm if the support doesn't work.
I hope that one day he can realize the type of strain he is putting on your life, and that everything starts to get better. Thanks for opening up to us and I hope that my response helped.
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Physician
United States4146 Posts
Communication like many have told you, is important, writing is not a bad idea if he is receptive but unless he decides to change his ways rather abruptly on his own - you will need outside help regardless if you plan on protecting your mother and continuing your studies. This sort of thing is a real life tragedy that can turn into a clusterphuck too when you least expect it. Get outside help or simply move away with your mother if things do not better. She needs to be on-board and in agreement with too in all the decisions and don't be surprised if even she resists reasonable changes. This is something you simply can't do on your own.
http://www.agingincanada.ca/Seniors Alcohol/1e6.htm ( has a lot of useful links with info, including this one http://www.agingincanada.ca/elder_abuse_links_and_resources.htm)
Hang on in there, hope it helps.
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My gf has an alcoholic father. I've been with her for 4 months now and I've seen things I've never thought of before. I hope things work out for you, I know how hard it can be.
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I agree, try to be proactive and help him out. I think some good advice has been given on this, but yea, I think you should try to actively do something. It seems like you are the only one that can really do anything.
Also, why not talk to other people about this? We may be able to give you some advice, but I'm sure the people that know you will be able to do even better. There is nothing wrong with talking to people you know about this.
Good luck.
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It's both amazing and depressing how many of us seem to have experience with alcoholism. I always knew it was common, but not that common.
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he has to realize that denial is the first step of a problem.
kind of like starcraft, when i was addicted badly to it i always denied being addicted until i realized, i have no life, i neglected my gf for sc, and my family. once i realized it was a problem, i began to hold myself back some. now i only play like 3-4 hours a week, thanks to working 40 hours a week and going to college. but seriously, i can't get my dad to realize its his problem, but maybe you can. i've tried wut rek suggested and wrote it down a place i knew he'd look when sober, and i've also (idk if ur into this kind of stuff) slapped him across the face when he was on his way to being drunk and broke down sobbing. it didnt work but at the time he realized something was wrong, but didnt connect it to being drunk h e actually took me to a shrink and said i was the one with problems. its up to you
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EPT
