|
I usually never really speak about my private life on the Internet, but this is something I'm not really willing to share with my friends as it is extremely embarassing. If you don't want to read something with probably lots of angst and venting, stop reading now.
My father and I always had a close relationship. When I was younger, we would do sports together, watch T.V. together, hell pretty much everything together. He was my hero and my idol. I thought we were so alike and always pretty much thought the same way (despite our huge age difference) and that he was the only person that could really understand whatever I'd go through. Until 4 years ago when it all started. My father retired when he was only 52 and I assume that really hit him hard to feel useless. For the first 6 or so years, I was too young to realize who my father really was, as I had always seen him as a thoughtful and intelligent man.
When I was finally old enough to realize that my father got shit drunk every fucking night and went to bed at like 7:30pm every day, I started to see what was going on. One night he actually got so drunk that he fell and punctured his right eye. I just turned 14 then. My father is an average sized man, so my mother and sister weren't able to carry him. I did. I had to drag my father, drunk as fuck and hurt badly to the car and escort him into the hospital. The fucker even threw a fit a the poor doctor who asked him if he had been drinking.
Anyway this is rather irrelevant, but it kinda gives you a general idea of what I've been going through with that man. I used to think it was not my problem and that he was only hurting himself and that he was intelligent enough to realize his wrongs. In two days I will be turning 19 and things have changed for the worst. My father still heavily drinks every night, but now he has changed. He's not the same father that I used to love and look up to. He has turned into a bitter and malicious person who envies my youth and has no regard for other people's emotions. My sister is now 26 so she's not living with us anymore, so now my mother and I have to deal with this.
Life here has become almost unbearable when he's awake. All he does is tell me to do everything in the house when I fucking go to school everyday and try to build my future. Now this I wouldn't mind normally, as I'm sure most of you have heard your father constantly harassing you to mow the fucking lawn etc... But it's not only that. This man as taken it upon himself to make our lives as miserable as his. He gets drunk and then starts to harass me or my mother on the dullest fucking things you can imagine. He usually goes after my mother as he's kinda scared of me and the way I could react. I would never physically harm my father, but he doesn't know that.
Recently, when I was at school, my father got drunk again and started his usual routine... only this time a lot worse then what my mother and I are used to. He took advantage of the fact that I was away to really try and hurt my mother(not physically) by calling her the most awful names you can possibly call your wife. I then came back from school exhausted as fuck with a pile of homeworks to do only to find my mother crying on the sofa. I don't want that to happen again, but I'm not sure where to start.
He completely denies his alcoholism and when I bring up the subject, he accuses me of not being thankful for all he has done for me when I was young, and him sober. I can't have a conversation with that man without him trying to impose his thoughts on mine. I can't even ask him "father to son" questions as he uses it to humiliate me and turn them against me. Basically I live with a very loving mother who's always so sad and a pale shadow of what used to be my father.
I'm 19 and I have a certain amount of money and I could leave but I don't want to let my mother with this man. But worst, I don't want to abandon him into the dark abyss he has surrounded himself with as I still love him despite what he has put us through. But I can't live like this anymore. I know it may seem like a small problem compared to what other people's experiences, but I hate it. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells in here. He doesn't want to hear anything about any sort of exterior help and I don't want to be his watcher and make sure he doesn't drink all the time. He's an adult god damn it.
So any thoughts, ideas or anything really would be appreciated.
Thanks for reading, it helped to write down what I had built inside for so long.
OctoPuSs
 
|
It sucks but I think he has to hit bottom for him to truly realize his problem. It sucks and I wish there was more that you and your family could do to help him out, but yeah I think it's only going to get worse before it gets better. Btw your problem is nothing small and insignificant compared to the majority of problems posted on tl.net It's just the solution is eh... :/
|
yo man, i went through and still am going through the same things with my family, except my dad and mom are split up. i still hear allthe same shit and go through the same shit. what i have done to try and help is i've taken me and my mom to a therapist to try and give us suggestions, etc. what you can also try to do is hide his beer and see what he does, i mean that sounds easier then it is to do but its worth a try. also you could bring in a therapist directly into your home and have him sit down with the whole family and work things out. i would also suggest maybe taking your dad to an AA meeting (alcoholics anonymous).
i hope it helps bro, just ask anything if u got questions
|
try to involve other adults who can motivate him (or drag him) to AA meetings.
they really help people there and its all confidential.
best of luck
|
Korea (South)17174 Posts
Get drunk with him and talk it over like real men.
Ok sorry for the tasteless humor. Your situation is very fucked up. I have no idea how much merit this idea has at all and it may seem a bit gay but write some of the things you want to tell him but can't cause he always reacts badly (out of embarassment) on a peice of paper and leave it somewhere he can only find when he's alone and sober. It appears to me that you are the only solution and you need to take a very active role in handling this. You owe it to him and moreso your mother. Also, when you talk to him about it make sure the tone of your voice is not negative and use a more 'i know the truth man' in a positive tone kinda voice.
|
Thanks for your replies guys!
@nemY: Yeah I know what you mean, but I don't feel like waiting for him to hit that rock bottom. I don't he ever will really. He's been getting drunk the same way for the past 4 years and it's always the same way. He just becomes shallow and bitter. He experiences a complete personnality change and to be honest, I'm not sure what his real personnality is anymore.
@Fallen33: I actually tried to hide his gin but he keeps buying new bottles when he doesn't find them. Like I said in the post, I've tried to get him to seek for help but he doesn't want to hear about it. He still denies his problem. Sometimes he stops for like two days when the situation gets unbearable, but he never fails to go back to his old habits.
@ZaplinG: I thought about it and I just don't see another adult other than my mother who cares enough for my father to bother. It's basically in my hands. Maybe I'll try the dragging part haha.
|
On September 21 2007 12:35 Rekrul wrote:
Get drunk with him and talk it over like real men.
Ok sorry for the tasteless humor. Your situation is very fucked up. I have no idea how much merit this idea has at all and it may seem a bit gay but write some of the things you want to tell him but can't cause he always reacts badly (out of embarassment) on a peice of paper and leave it somewhere he can only find when he's alone and sober. It appears to me that you are the only solution and you need to take a very active role in handling this. You owe it to him and moreso your mother. Also, when you talk to him about it make sure the tone of your voice is not negative and use a more 'i know the truth man' in a positive tone kinda voice.
That's actually not that bad of an idea. I'll definately put some thinking into this. Thank you Rek.
|
I am only 17 and have never experienced something like this, but I really hope for the best. I think the people above gave some good advices you should try.
Hope for the best Octopuss!
|
I don't see why this is embarrassing, I have a good friend who's dad is a complete alcoholic and all of his friends including me know. No one has ever mentioned it like it's something cool, obviously but no one has made fun of him for it.
My grandfather is the same way and it kills me to see the things he puts my grandma through but they live pretty far away so there's not much I can do.
Sorry for your situation and I hope you can find something to help it.
|
Cayman Islands24199 Posts
Idont think your father is really content with his present state either. just that your postion as his son probably means to him tat he could disrespect your advise on things. probably the same situation with your mother. i think, you should write a letter to him, since communication by letter requires a more sober state of mind and less unreflected social impulses
|
wow I'm new on tl so I don't really know anyone that well, but I truly feel for you man. I'm sorry this post won't help you physically, but don't give up hope because I'm sure everyone who reads this will be rooting for ya. gl.
|
Baltimore, USA22251 Posts
Video tape him drunk... or let him 'find' this thread. Either way, it sounds like he's in denial/on the defensive, and by far the hardest part is gonna be getting him to admit to himself that he has a problem (I'm sure he thinks he doesn't).
|
Korea (South)17174 Posts
When I made my first post I was thinking about writing video tape him as well, but I think in his current state it's a very bad idea and will cause way more problems...maybe you can keep it as a trump card.
|
I'm 19 and I have a certain amount of money and I could leave but I don't want to let my mother with this man
Have you considered that she may be remaining with him for your sake under similar reasoning? Honestly, if he's not willing to accept help, get away.
|
I sypmathize with you, my dad was an alcoholic for a long time as well. He'd drink himself stupid every night until he passed out, yelling at me or my mom along the way. It got so bad he eventually lost his job (he actually lost his jobs a couple times - different jobs, different years, but still hurt), my mom left, and he was forced to file for bankruptcy. The good part, however, is that after losing nearly all of our money and moving to a cheaper area, he had almost no money to buy alcohol, so he finally broke the addiction.
He's working again now and drinks occasionally, still does stupid shit when he's drunk but it's not nearly as bad.
Anyway, as for your problem, have you talked to your mom and sister about getting together and confronting him about it while he's sober, like one of those intervention things? If everyone he loves comes to him at once he'd be hard pressed to pass it off as if it was nothing, he can't just say it was immaturity or something.
|
Your father seems like he has a serious problem. Use the leverage you have over him (as you said that he kinda fears you) and make him get help. Force him to rehab, because he obviously has no control over himself anymore. Alot of problems are solved by first admitting that there IS a problem, so try to show him what he could do to himself and his familyif you doesn't seek help (such as physical abuse, his death *hopefully not* splitting his family apart). The sooner you do this the better too because alcohol is one of the most dangerous substances around. Good luck.
|
so what does he get up to when he's not drunk? you should take him to the Salvation Army sometime they specialise in helping people with alcohol problems - you can go in and talk to them about it yourself first and find out what programmes they offer etc. if you want
|
|
|
I dont know if this will help. Your dad reminds me of me when i was addicted to d2. I know it sounds stupid as hell and cant compare to your situation. I used to play like over 12 hours a day waking up and sleeping late just 24/7 on the comp. I didnt even meet my friends sometimes to play d2 or level up. And i was actually miserable when i wasnt on and actually made my house like a complete hell. And when my mom asked nicely if i was addicted i denied it. I honestly didnt know i was addicted because i never looked back on my actions. And than i moved to korea and i guess it was a big shock and it just went away. I guess you could say i was seriously an emo preteen. Your dad probably doesnt think hes an alcholic and has a problem. I guess you have to give him a shock that wakes him up.
And if i was in your position i would feel sort of lost too. To just leave him or to help him. Leaving him is literally just giving up on your father who raised you. But helping him just makes your relationship with him even worse. Im sorry if im no help.
|
I'm not sure what to say, i never confruntet with a problem like this.
You must know that it's really not his fault anymore for being like he is, it's the alcohol. Whatever he does he still remains your father, don't ever think about abandoning him.
Writing to him or etc, won't do shit about it. He's alcoholic, it's like a guy on hard drugs, rarely the subject of alcoholism can help himself out.
If any of your grandparents from your fathers side are still alive, go talk to them. Talk to your father's best friends or those who used to be, any person who can has any influence on him.
You must convince him, one way or another, to go to rehab (i believe that's the american equivalent for what we have)... there is specialised personnel who will take care of him and help him out.
Anotherthing that you must know is that if your father drinks everynight, he's really never sober. Not even in the morning. Alcohol and its effects remain in his body, especially to alcoholists.
Also, never be cold with him, always show him affect and "understanding" otherwise he'll spot your coldness and feel even worse, abandoned, and grow his wish of drowning his sorrow into alcohol.
|
Hey man, i'm going to post in english even though it's kind of weird to be talking to you in english, simply because this is TL.net...
First i'd like to say i'm sorry for what you're going through and I know what you're going through... well not exactly but I have my past experiences as well with a father that was denying his problems.
My dad wasn't an alcoholic, but he was really miserable. He failed in life and was a very sad person and the only thing he was doing is being on his computer 12 hours a day and "work" like he said. His attitude was ALWAYS negative, never a bright day with a happy father, every single day he would punish me for stupid stuff like wearing shoes instead of boots when coming home from school in winter, he would always piss me off for no reasons and yell at my mother. He put my brother in a centre d'acceuil very young because they couldn't get along. We were victims of his repressed rage.
We barely spoke to eachother before he left the house, we were just living together as if we were roommates but we would never ever have conversations, only stupid things relating to doing stuff in or around the house. He was a nightmare to live with until he began to realize how big of a loser he was and decided to change, first step for him was to leave the house, he met a new girl and lives with her now and he found a good job and he's a lot more happy than he used to be and a better man too, but we still don't talk much to eachothers, ever. He admitted his wrongdoings though which is good.
Anyways, unfortunately I don't have a solution for you, but just thought i'd let you know and wish you the best... like rekrul said you are the key to this right now, hope you can help your father come to his senses. If not, don't let him hurt your or your mom's life any longer if you see that he doesn't change. Good luck.
|
Hey. I'm familiar with a situation that is very much like yours. But my grandpa was the problem instead.
I had a lot of fun with my grandfather when I was younger, he love children, still does, and he's like another person when being around small children. He's happy, he's generous, he's funny etc... But as soon as I got older, and so did he, things started to fuck up horribly.
As I grew older I was no longer his lovely young grandchild, I was a teenager, and from that point on, he has been treating me like crap. And I dare say, he must've treated my aunt and my dad like crap aswell when they grew older. He's an alcoholic, but unlike your father, he's stopped drinking now and hasn't had a drink for nearly 2 years. But before these 2 years, it was hell for my dad, his sister and my grandmother.
But, his behaviour still remains even though he's not drinking. Thing is that the alcohol fucked him up so bad, that it changed his personality to the worse forever, sober or drunk. He gets annoyed for the smallest things, he's very slow-minded (Because of the heavy abuse of alcohol and old aged combined) and he's really miserable. I can tell he's really sorry for what he has done to both his children, and his grandchildren, and his wife. But it's like instead of admitting he's sorry, he just keeps on going on like it was his way to deffend himself.
When I was younger I never imagined my beloved grandfather to be a wife-beater and a drunk, but it turned out that I knew shit, because my father kept it from me in my younger years, because he didn't want me to hate my grandfather from the start. He wanted to give both me and my grandfather a chance.
Finally, when I was about 15, my dad told me the living hell he had been put up with just because his fathers alcohol-abuse. He had been beaten, not that bad though, but slapped and yelled at several times. But it was worse for his mother, my grandmother. She takes care of everything in the house, and I mean everything, she cooks, she does laundry, she brings in the money for the bills etc and all she gets for that is crap. I'm not really sure what you could do to fix the situation, because sadly enough, my grandfather only realized he had a problem when he nearly died of his liver failuring, and heartproblems.
First he had a heart-attack, but he didn't blame it on the alcohol but clearly everyone knew that it had something to do with it. Then he started abusing painkillers together with alcohol, and it almost killed him. He had to be driven with an ambulance to the emergency and he was minutes from death.
What my father never did was to really take care of the situation, and he regrets it so bad even until this day. He simply left it all, he moved out, married my mom, got a decent job and just forgot everything about it. I don't know how many times he's said to me how ashamed he is that he just left his mother and younger sister with his father, but he said that he could either leave and get his own life, or get dragged down with him.
So I guess, you really have to force the rehabilation on your father or leave. Simple as that, maybe your mother is staying in the house just because she doesn't want to leave you, talk with your mom and work something out. Because a drunk will never admit his problems until it's really obvious for him or until you FORCE him to realize it. Talk your mother into leaving him too, use your advantage over him and tell him that it's either his family, or the alcohol, he has to make a choice. If he chooses the alcohol, you need to make a point and at least leave for a while, if you fear for your mother, try talking her into leaving too.. to go live with her relatives or something.
I'm not sure if you can force rehab at someone, but if there's some kind of alcohol-clinic that can actually help you with that, I'd advice you to contact them first before anything else.
|
So I guess, you really have to force the rehabilation on your father or leave. Simple as that, maybe your mother is staying in the house just because she doesn't want to leave you, talk with your mom and work something out. Because a drunk will never admit his problems until it's really obvious for him or until you FORCE him to realize it. Talk your mother into leaving him too, use your advantage over him and tell him that it's either his family, or the alcohol, he has to make a choice. If he chooses the alcohol, you need to make a point and at least leave for a while, if you fear for your mother, try talking her into leaving too.. to go live with her relatives or something.
This is pretty much the truth. As much as it sucks, and as merz said, they wont' change unless they have to make a change. And even then it can be really hard to do.
My story isn't the same, as most aren't, but I have my relating points. My mom and dad split up when I was 8 yrs old, so although I have good memories of my dad from when he lived with us, most of the time I was too young to truly appreciate what I had. Every time I was around my dad he would be drinking but I wouldn't have really considered him an alcoholic. I could only see him on weekends and he worked full time during the week, so it didn't really surprise me that he drank. I found out later from my stepmom thought that it was a lot worse than what most perceived.
My dad has admitted to being an alcoholic for 9 years, but in all reality we have no idea how long he has been an alcoholic. However, as merz also pointed out, alcoholism can and will kill you if you continue to let it go. My dad is now dying of liver failure because of the huge strain that he put on his liver. Most alcoholics don't really stop to think about this aspect, but it is one that should not be overlooked.
As everyone has already touched on, something has to change. My stepmom gave my dad the ultimatum that if he ever drank again, she would leave him. Soon after he found out that he had stage 4 cirrhosis and that kind of pushed the envelope a little more. I would encourage that your dad tries to look into an AA program as one already suggested. My dad has now been sobered up for over 2 years and continues to go to his meetings everyday or at least every other day. The type of support that that place gets is unbelievable.
My dad has his "call buddies" that if they are feeling down or feeling like they are going to drink, they call their person and get help. One night we were sitting around and my dad got a call and talked to the guy and although the guy had already drank a little, my dad was able to talk to him and kind of help him get rid of the stress. I am proud of my dad for making the commitment to staying at AA. They even offer support groups for the families of alcoholics. This is something even you could look into going to with your mother. A place where you can find other people who are in a similar situation. Moreover, its a place where its not a competition, no one's situation is worse than another's.
I know I've kind of spent a little time focusing on my story but overall I think I just want to express one last impression of AA and then I'll let you stop reading. I was talking one day to my dad and I was kind of curious as to why he was continuing to go 2 years after he had stopped drinking. He didn't take anytime to respond and immediately said that it was pretty simple, if he didn't go he might not have the strength to not drink. As you know it won't be easy for your dad to stop, but it is possible. More than anything he is going to need your support, but he will also need you to be firm if the support doesn't work.
I hope that one day he can realize the type of strain he is putting on your life, and that everything starts to get better. Thanks for opening up to us and I hope that my response helped.
|
Physician
United States4146 Posts
Communication like many have told you, is important, writing is not a bad idea if he is receptive but unless he decides to change his ways rather abruptly on his own - you will need outside help regardless if you plan on protecting your mother and continuing your studies. This sort of thing is a real life tragedy that can turn into a clusterphuck too when you least expect it. Get outside help or simply move away with your mother if things do not better. She needs to be on-board and in agreement with too in all the decisions and don't be surprised if even she resists reasonable changes. This is something you simply can't do on your own.
http://www.agingincanada.ca/Seniors Alcohol/1e6.htm ( has a lot of useful links with info, including this one http://www.agingincanada.ca/elder_abuse_links_and_resources.htm)
Hang on in there, hope it helps.
|
My gf has an alcoholic father. I've been with her for 4 months now and I've seen things I've never thought of before. I hope things work out for you, I know how hard it can be.
|
I agree, try to be proactive and help him out. I think some good advice has been given on this, but yea, I think you should try to actively do something. It seems like you are the only one that can really do anything.
Also, why not talk to other people about this? We may be able to give you some advice, but I'm sure the people that know you will be able to do even better. There is nothing wrong with talking to people you know about this.
Good luck.
|
It's both amazing and depressing how many of us seem to have experience with alcoholism. I always knew it was common, but not that common.
|
he has to realize that denial is the first step of a problem.
kind of like starcraft, when i was addicted badly to it i always denied being addicted until i realized, i have no life, i neglected my gf for sc, and my family. once i realized it was a problem, i began to hold myself back some. now i only play like 3-4 hours a week, thanks to working 40 hours a week and going to college. but seriously, i can't get my dad to realize its his problem, but maybe you can. i've tried wut rek suggested and wrote it down a place i knew he'd look when sober, and i've also (idk if ur into this kind of stuff) slapped him across the face when he was on his way to being drunk and broke down sobbing. it didnt work but at the time he realized something was wrong, but didnt connect it to being drunk h e actually took me to a shrink and said i was the one with problems. its up to you
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
