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The nature of life

Blogs > Deleted User 3420
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Deleted User 3420
Profile Blog Joined May 2003
24492 Posts
Last Edited: 2020-02-10 00:22:36
February 10 2020 00:18 GMT
#1
Please forgive the following stream of consciousness. It's been difficult lately, and I want to get it out publicly.

I wrapped up my Computer Science Degree this December. I was pretty stressed out, I was worried about passing 2 of my classes, which I somehow managed to do, so I did manage to graduate.

Through November and December I had a worsening tooth infection, which I ignored because of school workload. My mother had cancer during all of my fall semester. Each month saw another glimmer of hope being taken away; worsening conditions and elimination of treatment options. I knew early on what the likely outcome of the cancer would be.

The day after graduating I flew across the country to see my parents. They live out in the countryside in Oregon, the little house out in the mountains that I grew up in. It seemed big as a kid, now it seems tiny.

My mother was able to spend time with me for a week. We watched TV shows, went out to a dinner, got to watch my nephew unwrap presents on Christmas. 8 days after arriving I returned to my wife and our apartment in Maryland. I brought her a late christmas gift, a nasty cold that my nephew gave pretty much everyone.

Life has only became more challenging since then. The sickness was a pain in the ass, and the toothache got worse. It actually became insane. Eventually a doctor prescribed penicillin, which has made it much better. I will have the tooth extracted soon.

A couple weeks ago my wife started having scary symptoms. Her legs would suddenly stop working in the evening; she'd get random weakness to the point where she couldn't walk or even stand. Fatigue. Pain(a problem she's often dealt with). Migraines. Blurry vision. We've gone to the doctor. Now she's gotten an MRI and we will go to the neurologist appointment tomorrow.

My sister called 3 days ago. My mom was denied her last treatment option (a liver transplant). She will be passing soon, likely within a couple weeks. My sister is a naturopathic doctor, she's an exceptional human being and she is going to live-in with them until my mom passes.

My mom isn't really all there mentally anymore. I reached out to my sister and told her to message me the next time mom was having a good day, if there was one. I managed to get a phone call in while my mom was lucid on Saturday. It was very difficult. What I told her was the truth, and I know she heard me, and I think it helped. She couldn't really speak much, but the last thing I did hear before I got off the phone was her saying "I raised a good son.".

It's hard for my dad. They've been married for almost 40 years. I called him today, I gave him advice. He was thankful. He is grieving and scared.

I couldn't sleep last night. I'm scared too. I couldn't sleep because I am worried about my wife. I'm so scared that there is something seriously wrong with her. She doesn't deserve that, she deserves so much more, she's had to deal with a lot. I love her so much. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to try to go back to living alone. It feels like I just met her but it's actually been 7 years somehow.

But this is life. Life is about teaching us that none of this belongs to us. We've gotta take it in stride, and just appreciate what is happening regardless. I hope I can continue to do that no matter what the future holds.

*****
Paljas
Profile Joined October 2011
Germany6926 Posts
February 10 2020 17:44 GMT
#2
Life fucking sucks sometimes. Take care
TL+ Member
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
February 10 2020 18:18 GMT
#3
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
Nakajin
Profile Blog Joined September 2014
Canada8989 Posts
February 10 2020 18:48 GMT
#4
Damn, good luck
Writerhttp://i.imgur.com/9p6ufcB.jpg
BigFan
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
TLADT24920 Posts
February 10 2020 19:07 GMT
#5
Rough. Hang in there. Hopefully your wife's case is nothing serious and you get more time to spend with your mom than expected.
Former BW EiC"Watch Bakemonogatari or I will kill you." -Toad, April 18th, 2017
NewSunshine
Profile Joined July 2011
United States5938 Posts
February 10 2020 21:29 GMT
#6
Everyone knows they have to confront these things eventually, but it can still be such a blindside when they come around. You have my sympathies. Thank you for sharing.
"If you find yourself feeling lost, take pride in the accuracy of your feelings." - Night Vale
WombaT
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
Northern Ireland25270 Posts
February 10 2020 23:44 GMT
#7
Thanks for this. Had a really rough day yesterday and for whatever reason you opening up helped. Lost my lone paternal grandparent to dementia earlier this year, we were very close after his first born (and my father) passed away half a decade ago. My lone maternal grandparent is currently afflicted with it too and I want to make as much use of her lucid periods as I can manage. Which to be honest isn’t likely to be much longer given her particular type of dementia.

I say thanks not because it, helped me in whatever way but that I feel people opening up, sharing the bad side of life too is a way we can all reframe our lives and think about what’s important to us.

In the social media age there’s a tendency for one to be surrounded by people’s cultivated ‘best foot forward’ presentations of their lives and I guess, hearing people who share the tough stuff well, that’s worth that much more.

Best of luck and hopefully your wife’s issues are nothing serious

'You'll always be the cuddly marsupial of my heart, despite the inherent flaws of your ancestry' - Squat
FuDDx *
Profile Blog Joined October 2002
United States5008 Posts
February 10 2020 23:50 GMT
#8


All my best sir... Not sure what I can offer but its yours should you need it!!
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Balloon-Man-FuDD/237447769616965?ref=hl
ffswowsucks
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
Greece2294 Posts
February 12 2020 10:39 GMT
#9
I've also am going through some rough times in my life. but as Kobe said.
"Life is too short to get bogged down and be discouraged. You have to keep moving. You have to keep going."
Terran in particular is a notoriously strong race for a no brain skillhand bot style.
Hollow
Profile Blog Joined July 2005
Canada2180 Posts
February 13 2020 13:09 GMT
#10
Hope you catch a break dude, and I hope your mom passed peacefully.
Liquid`Drone
Profile Joined September 2002
Norway28665 Posts
February 13 2020 16:06 GMT
#11
Sorry Travis. Hope things turn around for the better. Health issues are terrible to deal with.

Your mom is right tho, she raised a good son.
Moderator
LastWish
Profile Blog Joined September 2004
2013 Posts
February 14 2020 17:30 GMT
#12
I don't really have any good advice for you... but for the tooth gin always helped me.
Perhaps it will somewhat easen the other pains, although I don't advice you to get completely numb, just so that you can bear the horrors of current reality.
Everything will pass in the end and we all are just grains of sand.
- It's all just treason - They bring me down with their lies - Don't know the reason - My life is fire and ice -
Deleted User 3420
Profile Blog Joined May 2003
24492 Posts
February 15 2020 01:10 GMT
#13
Thank you everyone for the kind words. Some of you I know a bit better than others, and I've never been particularly personal with people on this site, but I have been a part of this community for so long I do have quite an attachment to it.

My mother passed a couple hours ago. I am not sure how to feel. I think I am mostly fine? I think I've already done most of my grieving.

I'm not the type to be proud of a relationship to someone else that I didn't even have control over, but I still have to say... my sister is such an exceptional person. She provided care to my mother during this process, and she did it so well.

She said that my mother passed incredibly gracefully. Many people suffer because they can't let go, they are afraid to let their life end. It sounds like that was not the case with my mother.
Trozz
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
Canada3454 Posts
February 15 2020 04:05 GMT
#14
Those are some rough times.
I hope the wife is okay.
Stay strong, cardgamebro.
A build is not a guess, an estimation or a hunch, a feeling, or a foolish intuition. A build is a dependable, unwavering, unarguably accurate, portrayer of your ambition.
Starlightsun
Profile Blog Joined June 2016
United States1405 Posts
February 15 2020 05:05 GMT
#15
Sorry about your Mom... glad she went peacefully at least.
prosatan
Profile Joined September 2009
Romania8024 Posts
February 15 2020 18:31 GMT
#16
Lee JaeDong Fighting! The only church that illuminates is the one that burns.
Saechiis
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
Netherlands4989 Posts
February 19 2020 20:01 GMT
#17
That's rough man. Take the days as they come.
I think esports is pretty nice.
Liquid`Zephyr
Profile Blog Joined October 2006
United States996 Posts
February 20 2020 04:14 GMT
#18
take care travis
Team LiquidPoorUser
Motiva
Profile Joined November 2007
United States1774 Posts
February 24 2020 02:50 GMT
#19
wow really sorry to hear man. be sure to give yourself time to process...
frozenclaw
Profile Blog Joined December 2006
Canada409 Posts
March 01 2020 03:19 GMT
#20
I have hope for you Travis. Seen you on here for YEARS and you've inspired me in ways I can't even realize yet. All the best.
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