Please forgive the following stream of consciousness. It's been difficult lately, and I want to get it out publicly.
I wrapped up my Computer Science Degree this December. I was pretty stressed out, I was worried about passing 2 of my classes, which I somehow managed to do, so I did manage to graduate.
Through November and December I had a worsening tooth infection, which I ignored because of school workload. My mother had cancer during all of my fall semester. Each month saw another glimmer of hope being taken away; worsening conditions and elimination of treatment options. I knew early on what the likely outcome of the cancer would be.
The day after graduating I flew across the country to see my parents. They live out in the countryside in Oregon, the little house out in the mountains that I grew up in. It seemed big as a kid, now it seems tiny.
My mother was able to spend time with me for a week. We watched TV shows, went out to a dinner, got to watch my nephew unwrap presents on Christmas. 8 days after arriving I returned to my wife and our apartment in Maryland. I brought her a late christmas gift, a nasty cold that my nephew gave pretty much everyone.
Life has only became more challenging since then. The sickness was a pain in the ass, and the toothache got worse. It actually became insane. Eventually a doctor prescribed penicillin, which has made it much better. I will have the tooth extracted soon.
A couple weeks ago my wife started having scary symptoms. Her legs would suddenly stop working in the evening; she'd get random weakness to the point where she couldn't walk or even stand. Fatigue. Pain(a problem she's often dealt with). Migraines. Blurry vision. We've gone to the doctor. Now she's gotten an MRI and we will go to the neurologist appointment tomorrow.
My sister called 3 days ago. My mom was denied her last treatment option (a liver transplant). She will be passing soon, likely within a couple weeks. My sister is a naturopathic doctor, she's an exceptional human being and she is going to live-in with them until my mom passes.
My mom isn't really all there mentally anymore. I reached out to my sister and told her to message me the next time mom was having a good day, if there was one. I managed to get a phone call in while my mom was lucid on Saturday. It was very difficult. What I told her was the truth, and I know she heard me, and I think it helped. She couldn't really speak much, but the last thing I did hear before I got off the phone was her saying "I raised a good son.".
It's hard for my dad. They've been married for almost 40 years. I called him today, I gave him advice. He was thankful. He is grieving and scared.
I couldn't sleep last night. I'm scared too. I couldn't sleep because I am worried about my wife. I'm so scared that there is something seriously wrong with her. She doesn't deserve that, she deserves so much more, she's had to deal with a lot. I love her so much. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to try to go back to living alone. It feels like I just met her but it's actually been 7 years somehow.
But this is life. Life is about teaching us that none of this belongs to us. We've gotta take it in stride, and just appreciate what is happening regardless. I hope I can continue to do that no matter what the future holds.
Everyone knows they have to confront these things eventually, but it can still be such a blindside when they come around. You have my sympathies. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for this. Had a really rough day yesterday and for whatever reason you opening up helped. Lost my lone paternal grandparent to dementia earlier this year, we were very close after his first born (and my father) passed away half a decade ago. My lone maternal grandparent is currently afflicted with it too and I want to make as much use of her lucid periods as I can manage. Which to be honest isn’t likely to be much longer given her particular type of dementia.
I say thanks not because it, helped me in whatever way but that I feel people opening up, sharing the bad side of life too is a way we can all reframe our lives and think about what’s important to us.
In the social media age there’s a tendency for one to be surrounded by people’s cultivated ‘best foot forward’ presentations of their lives and I guess, hearing people who share the tough stuff well, that’s worth that much more.
Best of luck and hopefully your wife’s issues are nothing serious
I've also am going through some rough times in my life. but as Kobe said. "Life is too short to get bogged down and be discouraged. You have to keep moving. You have to keep going."
I don't really have any good advice for you... but for the tooth gin always helped me. Perhaps it will somewhat easen the other pains, although I don't advice you to get completely numb, just so that you can bear the horrors of current reality. Everything will pass in the end and we all are just grains of sand.
Thank you everyone for the kind words. Some of you I know a bit better than others, and I've never been particularly personal with people on this site, but I have been a part of this community for so long I do have quite an attachment to it.
My mother passed a couple hours ago. I am not sure how to feel. I think I am mostly fine? I think I've already done most of my grieving.
I'm not the type to be proud of a relationship to someone else that I didn't even have control over, but I still have to say... my sister is such an exceptional person. She provided care to my mother during this process, and she did it so well.
She said that my mother passed incredibly gracefully. Many people suffer because they can't let go, they are afraid to let their life end. It sounds like that was not the case with my mother.
EPT
