(not in the written form obviously, a whiner whines)
I'm giving up, I'll let things happen, aka nothing will happen.
I like being ignored and building the fantasy in my mind, of why they ignored me. For example someone is asking everyone a question and forget about me? Probably they hate me, or I'm not worthy, or I did something to offend them, surely they didn't just forget about me. And I usually got great lengts to not being notice when this happen (I've changed in the past, I now try to fix things, take on me, hurt myself, feel very awkward, bring the attention on myself and make myself noticed).
I'll do the same with socialising, if people don't want to talk to me, I won't initiate.
What an ego, what a stupid mindset, playing game on the easy setting.
I'll give everyone the chance to be right about me, I don't want things, I don't want them bad enough, and I'm not trying, that's it, better than to try and tell about my (low) efforts anyway.
I can't seem to enjoy much in life, red flag.
I get obsessed, red flag.
I still don't know how to hold a conversation, or initiate one, red flag.
I don't fix my issues, red flag.
I don't exercise, I don't have hobbies, red flag.
I have some very lacking experience with my life, and a weird relationship with my family, red flag again.
Almost no friends, red flag.
I'm a walking redflag.
At my age people'd rather stay single than going with someone with so many red flags, and I forgot about some obviously, but I don't blame them, they are right, and in their rights.
It's nearly the end of my trip, and I'm giving up already, I'll go back to my state of inaction, the results would be a disaster anyway, and the disaster would ruin me even more, I'm too fragile.
I'm a child in a trash body, with an adult man age.
Late twenties, late on everything in life, and not getting stuff soon, with way too many weird fantasies and perverted habits.
There is too much to fix, and the longer it'll take, the longer I'll be a walking redflag, and some of thoses redflag can't even be fixed anymore.

The one thing I should do is... trying to enjoy life, but I'm either sick (every other day I'm in denial of my depression, and yes I'm taking the pills) or I'm just too stupid and desperate, nerver satisfied kind of guy.
I don't know how to enjoy life, because I'm too focused on the bad things, the relationship, my failures, and more importantly... I don't know what I want in life.
I don't know who I am anymore (beside a whiny loser), I think depression robbed me of my personality and life experience alongside with anxiety, got it in my teens, while I should have develloped myself, now it's very late, and I don't think I can anylonger.

tl;dr I give up, don't know what to do that is in my reach, so better do nothing than damage myself even further. You miss every single shot you don't take, and I've been a loser for a very long time, I wouldn't win taking them anyway.

PS: you have no idea how awkward I am, and how hard mundane trivial little baby steps are hard for me, I should do some basic stuff, but it scares or I'm unable to do them.
I want to apologize, to everyone who has it harder than me, I'm failing you.

fluidrone

France1478 Posts

June 27 2018 12:19 GMT

30 is the new 20

don't let the turkeys get you down

[image loading]

Saechiis

Netherlands4989 Posts

June 27 2018 15:00 GMT

Ok, as always it's hard to infer what exactly is someone's situation from blogs like these but I'll give you some general advice as someone that is fairly content living life at home with their parents at age 28 and little to no social life.

So what? At some point you're going to drop dead and there will be no medals for good boys and girls that kept up appearances (because you'll be dead). You don't have to be normal to be a good person or to have a fulfilling life, that is a societal belief that tethers communities and prevents them from floating too far apart.There's people (like me) that cannot conform to societal standards despite wanting to, and at some point you have to realize that beating yourself up over not being able to give something you don't have is never going to lead anywhere productive.

At the end of the day doing what is expected may give some comfort, but it's not an indication of your worth as a human being.

Poopi

France12891 Posts

June 27 2018 21:15 GMT

On June 27 2018 15:58 Gurderoy wrote:
I want to apologize, to everyone who has it harder than me, I'm failing you.

I will only reply to this part because it's where I think I have something meaningful to say.

You don't have to beat yourself up / feel guilty about what you feel.
Being depressed / anxious / whatever you want, in a first world country (I guess that's where you are?) doesn't mean you are a bad human because there are people struggling more (physically or mentally) in the world than you.
You don't have to feel guilty for that.

Other than that specific part of your post, from what I gather, you don't seem to fit in your current social circle / seem to want a relationship.
The positive thing about all that is that you still have something that you want: it's okay to progress at baby steps.
The thing you want to avoid is lying to yourself, because that's what will hurt the most in the long run.

You seem to be French (google gurderoy -> french posts on aAa website about sc2) and you seem to blog a lot about depression. I'm not sure if I can relate yet even tho I got a lot of anxiety / nervousness recently, but I don't think being in denial of your depression is that big of a deal: my rational side tells me that every human on earth is inherently in latent depression and try to fight that by whatever possible solution: pick your poison

You seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself (what other people expect from you), it's ok and not selfish to think only about yourself from times to times if that helps you gather yourself up.

Twenties are the times to "find yourself" and it could be quite pressuring not to find anything.... however there is no need to find anything meaningful.

Cheers

MightyAtom

Korea (South)1897 Posts

June 28 2018 17:09 GMT

1. don't blame yourself.
2. don't compare yourself to others
3. I assume you're a man. If you are, you're lucky, because no matter how long it takes for you to get back on your feet, there is always time.
4. when you find your focus or decide where you wanna go, intensity always makes up for lost time, always.
5. guys that know what they want may get it earlier, but that just means they are doing the same shit for the next 5 year.
-what does it matter if when you're 35 or 40, if you were at that position when you were 25 or at just 34 or 39, the point is, as long as you get to where you want to be, that is all that matters, not how long it took.
6. If you can, travel. Just get a plane ticket, go somewhere foreign and that environment usually can do the trick, instead of you willing yourself to change or whatever, let a new environment do the trick for you,
or
7. join a community that does shit, like outdoors stuff, even if it takes a while to get adjusted, just don't quit going, just keep going.

You are the product of hundreds of generations of ancestors who fought the elements, fought the barbarians, fought the romans, fought kings and queens and tyrannical rule, and survived to get to you. Your potential will forever be with you and it won't ever go away, so just know that, and life is too hard to 'will yourself' to being better. No one can do it, but if you can just change your environment, let your natural instincts kick in and you will be all that you are.

Try to travel to a new place, or, join a new group. Be yourself, and let your instincts take over.

If you have the inclination, join a jujitsu gym, and start classes there. make sure it's close by and since jujitsu is so interactive, just let yourself go.

Its not a race, who gives a fuck about the other guy, but do try to take a shower and just go outside, its summer and I'm sure there are a lot of hot chicks to look at, at the very least.

you have an infinite amount of time my friend, that, I can 100% tell you is true, just take it one step at a time.