EPT
Highway to the Friend Zone
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Glowsphere
United States170 Posts
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada17237 Posts
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ninazerg
United States7291 Posts
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RvB
Netherlands6262 Posts
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parkufarku
882 Posts
I was smart enough not to invest any emotions into it and just had her around as one of my sex partners and she did the vice versa for me (most likely). There's literally so many women out there in the world, just stop restraining yourself to one. You could probably find at least 10 in the world that look 95% the same as that woman you're talking about. | ||
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Glowsphere
United States170 Posts
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docvoc
United States5491 Posts
On February 03 2017 08:14 JimmyJRaynor wrote: be social and find another woman. 90% of the time this is the only advice needed | ||
micronesia
United States24753 Posts
On February 03 2017 03:40 Glowsphere wrote: "it's painful for me to be around you because I know you cannot return my feelings" While I think it's generally a good idea for people to give you reassuring advice, you also may want to evaluate why did something like that. | ||
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Glowsphere
United States170 Posts
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Jett.Jack.Alvir
Canada2250 Posts
When we start having feelings for someone, it's not a faucet that we can turn on/off. She obviously wanted to be your knight in shining armor (albeit the gender roles are usually reversed) and help you out of your mental health issues. I'm not sure, but I can assume you misinterpreted it to be a sign of affection. Any person with mental health can easily make the same mistake, so don't beat yourself up too much. Psychiatrists deal with the same thing, which is why they are forbidden to create any other relationship outside of doctor/patient. When we are vulnerable, we attach ourselves to those that help us during these vulnerable moments. My infatuation with unrequited love occurred during my early 20s. I started a new job and met a co-worker who was in her 30s. It started out plutonic, with friendly dinners and drinks after work, but quickly I started having feelings of affection for her. I told her, but she wasn't interested in younger dudes. We still hung out, which was the second worst mistake of my life. The first is when I tried to force myself on her in a moment of inebriated judgment. After sobering up, I felt horrible and decided to break all contact with her. I quit my job and stopped calling her. Best thing I could ever do. I've never forgiven myself, and I likely never will. But I learned from it and became a better person in the end. I truly hope my experience gives you some insight into your own problems. I know how hard it can be to have all these mixed emotions. Just remember nothing lasts forever, especially a bad romance. Reflect on your actions, learn from the mistakes, and try again. Just keep that cycle going and you will be on your way to prosperity. | ||
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parkufarku
882 Posts
I think that's what it is - she wanted to help you out. Us males too easily assume that when females give us attention, it is because they are attracted to us. I always assumed this when I was young, and have seen this happen countless times to a mutual female friend with my mutual male friends (they always fell for her, she was just being nice) Although I don't know how she feels for you, that was a dumb move to write a letter - never do that. My best friend who was always smooth with women gave me the one single greatest advice that helped me so much in my recent years with relationships, girls, emotions, etc :"Give less shit about them than they care about you" - this may sound silly but it's actually worked. When someone is overtly more attracted to you than you are to them, you get slightly turned off - I dunno why, it may just be part of human psychology. Well at least for me and most of the girls I've met anyway. It works. Try it. It also helps you a lot if they decide to break up with you or cheat on you or whatever reason. You just say, "bye" and then they come crawling back to you b/c they were expecting you to stop them | ||
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Jett.Jack.Alvir
Canada2250 Posts
On February 03 2017 17:17 parkufarku wrote: ^ Jett really good post I think that's what it is - she wanted to help you out. Us males too easily assume that when females give us attention, it is because they are attracted to us. I always assumed this when I was young, and have seen this happen countless times to a mutual female friend with my mutual male friends (they always fell for her, she was just being nice) Although I don't know how she feels for you, that was a dumb move to write a letter - never do that. My best friend who was always smooth with women gave me the one single greatest advice that helped me so much in my recent years with relationships, girls, emotions, etc :"Give less shit about them than they care about you" - this may sound silly but it's actually worked. When someone is overtly more attracted to you than you are to them, you get slightly turned off - I dunno why, it may just be part of human psychology. Well at least for me and most of the girls I've met anyway. It works. Try it. It also helps you a lot if they decide to break up with you or cheat on you or whatever reason. You just say, "bye" and then they come crawling back to you b/c they were expecting you to stop them LOL First, thanks for your comment. I've told very few about my transgressions, so getting it off my chest on TL feels therapeutic. parkufarku, your advice on treating the other person 'less shit about them than they care about you' is correct. Always being the nice guy never ever works in a relationship. Glowsphere, don't be a complete asshole. You just have to stand up to the other person once in a while to show her/him you're not a complete pushover. It's called boundaries, and the next person you get in a relationship with will have to accept your boundaries. The real question is how where are your boundaries, and are they surrounded by walls. | ||
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seom
South Africa491 Posts
On February 03 2017 18:07 Jett.Jack.Alvir wrote: parkufarku, your advice on treating the other person 'less shit about them than they care about you' is correct. Always being the nice guy never ever works in a relationship. I prefer to think of it in terms of power dynamics, which are always at play in every relationship. Whoever loves the other one less is in a position of power because they have less to lose. that is the nature of relationships. being a nice guy all the time is fine, the most important thing for a lasting relationship is to be yourself because eventually your true personality will come out either way. | ||
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada17237 Posts
On February 03 2017 13:20 Glowsphere wrote:Believe me I evaluated things to no end, literally filling books. paralysis by analysis. stop hyper-analyzing and start living. get out there and meet people in RL. all kinds of people. it will expand your horizons and give you a fuller view of the world. every one has their own unique and ingenious ways of solving tough issues. watch those people. you can learn something. now as far as this woman goes.. obviously the ultimate is to experience a night of sex with her... i love sexual intercourse.. its awesome... sexual intercourse is a social sport. step one is to be social. the greatest fuck i ever had.. my most intesnse #1 memory is the look on her face as i was sucking her nipples. it was not the orgasm. she was in another world. Richard Roma is a man ahead of his time. | ||
CosmicSpiral
United States15275 Posts
On February 03 2017 03:40 Glowsphere wrote: Or out of the friend zone I should say, after about two years in it. It took me until now to break ties with the woman I was pining for back in 2016: http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/509518-unrequited-love Losing her friendship hurts a lot, especially because she was my only friend. Was hoping to at least end things with mutual good will, but pretty sure she is at best disgusted with me now. On my last day at her house I gave her a letter, in which three times I said some variation of "it's painful for me to be around you because I know you cannot return my feelings" (because, you know, happily married). She was nice about it for the rest of my time there but I could see that she was hiding unpleasant emotions. We haven't had contact for a week and I can't see that we ever would again. As much as I tell myself it's for the best (for both of us), I just can't stop thinking about how fundamentally screwed up I must be to be immune from help even from a wonderful and dynamic person like she is. A superficial inquiry would ask why you fell in love with a woman who was both unattainable by disparity in life experience and circumstance. Or why you incessantly compare yourself to her partners, who make you feel inadequate and unmasculine. Or how someone so dedicated to self-awareness and improving one's perspective could fail to see the obvious. Or what you get by posting about this here, where you will get at best snarky comments about getting a life and some Lifetime-esque spiel about being yourself. Surely if your psychological issues are this debilitating, you would try to stop these pathogenic beliefs (btw I'm not saying you had a traumatic childhood). On February 03 2017 13:20 Glowsphere wrote: Believe me I evaluated things to no end, literally filling books. It was a complicated relationship, with a lot of I love you's (platonic) and such exchanged. My letter was to explain why I needed to break contact. I wrote several long versions where I skirted around the issue of my increasing infatuation. My psychiatrist helped look them over for me and suggested I just be honest and straightforward, so that is what came out, as bad as it sounds. This was after a particularly bad down spiral in my mental health, which ironically is something that drew this woman so strongly to me in the first place - she wanted to help me because she had suffered similar issues to me in the past. What I wrote was the truth, I don't know what else I was supposed to say? Or do you mean it should never have gotten to this point in the first place? Of course I agree and wish I could take back what I did. If you are urging me to think of her husband then I can assure you I have, and have felt like a viper by continuing to go over as my feelings for her changed. But they both very much wanted me to continue because she wanted my help and said it was helping her with her own illnesses. By saying honestly what I felt, it makes sure that they won't want me over again. They will both either hate me or at least not trust me anymore, which I think is appropriate is it not? There is such a thing as mental masturbation. Thinking about things and turning them over in your mind can substitute for actual change in your life. All this contemplation and evaluation has led you to cut off ties with this woman (and therefore avoid pain), but has it made you happy? On February 03 2017 14:15 Jett.Jack.Alvir wrote: Many people have been in your position, including myself. I can't prescribe a solution, and no one can really help you with your pain and confusion. When we start having feelings for someone, it's not a faucet that we can turn on/off. She obviously wanted to be your knight in shining armor (albeit the gender roles are usually reversed) and help you out of your mental health issues. I'm not sure, but I can assume you misinterpreted it to be a sign of affection. Any person with mental health can easily make the same mistake, so don't beat yourself up too much. Psychiatrists deal with the same thing, which is why they are forbidden to create any other relationship outside of doctor/patient. When we are vulnerable, we attach ourselves to those that help us during these vulnerable moments. My infatuation with unrequited love occurred during my early 20s. I started a new job and met a co-worker who was in her 30s. It started out platonic, with friendly dinners and drinks after work, but quickly I started having feelings of affection for her. I told her, but she wasn't interested in younger dudes. We still hung out, which was the second worst mistake of my life. The first is when I tried to force myself on her in a moment of inebriated judgment. After sobering up, I felt horrible and decided to break all contact with her. I quit my job and stopped calling her. Best thing I could ever do. I've never forgiven myself, and I likely never will. But I learned from it and became a better person in the end. I truly hope my experience gives you some insight into your own problems. I know how hard it can be to have all these mixed emotions. Just remember nothing lasts forever, especially a bad romance. Reflect on your actions, learn from the mistakes, and try again. Just keep that cycle going and you will be on your way to prosperity. You're conflating psychiatrists with general therapy. The issue with therapists and patients is that it's impossible to eliminate any semblance of transference during the interaction. Whether or not the patient has "mental health issues" as severe as OP's, the therapist's job is to be a neutral foundation so the patient can eventually enact change autonomously. Anything beyond that endangers progress towards that end. The patient should not be substituting the therapist for another figure in their lives in hopes of validation, drawing him/her into their self-destructive patterns, etc. And vice versa. God knows therapists are guilty of this. On February 03 2017 17:17 parkufarku wrote: My best friend who was always smooth with women gave me the one single greatest advice that helped me so much in my recent years with relationships, girls, emotions, etc :"Give less shit about them than they care about you" - this may sound silly but it's actually worked. When someone is overtly more attracted to you than you are to them, you get slightly turned off - I dunno why, it may just be part of human psychology. Well at least for me and most of the girls I've met anyway. It works. Try it. It also helps you a lot if they decide to break up with you or cheat on you or whatever reason. You just say, "bye" and then they come crawling back to you b/c they were expecting you to stop them This only works up to a point. It's a great principle for starting off a relationship though. You can't trust a guy who's too emotionally invested early on. On February 04 2017 00:25 JimmyJRaynor wrote: Richard Roma is a man ahead of his time. I'm not surprised that you of all people could so devastatingly miss the point of that monologue. | ||
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Cele
Germany4016 Posts
On February 03 2017 08:26 ninazerg wrote: Hm, suppose if... like... her husband were suddenly... gone... then she'd come rushing to your arms for comfort. Hmmm. HMMMMM. you're evil :D | ||
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada17237 Posts
On February 04 2017 02:28 CosmicSpiral wrote: I'm not surprised that you of all people could so devastatingly miss the point of that monologue. you don't know what i think the point is. why don't you tell me what i think the point of that speech was. i prefer via PM though because its off topic. My analysis of Roma and that speech which includes Dave Moss listening in stretches 2500+ words. | ||
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parkufarku
882 Posts
On February 03 2017 20:48 seom wrote: I prefer to think of it in terms of power dynamics, which are always at play in every relationship. Whoever loves the other one less is in a position of power because they have less to lose. that is the nature of relationships. being a nice guy all the time is fine, the most important thing for a lasting relationship is to be yourself because eventually your true personality will come out either way. Exactly. There's a difference between being nice and being a pushover. Being nice still means you respect yourself and your ideals. Being a pushover simply means that you are willing to degrade your worth just to be a footplank for the woman so that she doesn't get her shoes dirty. By this phrase, I'm not saying go treat your woman like shit - don't do that. I'm just saying, don't be the fool who falls in love too easily, who gives 80% when only gets 20% in return. Woman don't like man who won't stand up for himself, and doing this sort of thing will easily turn off any woman. A healthy relationship is 50/50, or more realistically (from my experience) you giving 40% and getting 60%. Anything different from those ratios is asking for big trouble. | ||
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