I thought that longing for the impossible was an immaturity that I'd finished with. Nevertheless it has sprung up on me again, this time for a happily married woman in her 50s. I had thought myself to have acquired more perspective on things, a greater self awareness, and a better understanding of human nature, but apparently that was all a complacent dream.
In comparing myself to her husband and ex husband, I can't help but feel self hatred and envy. They are physical, risk taking men. In contrast, I am reticent and overthink everything. The pursuit of learning and reflecting that has sustained me with hope and purpose just looks like such an utterly pathetic and trivial waste now.
It feels like only drastic action could change two decades worth of inertia. I don't know what though, as an unskilled 32 year old who cannot maintain even a single acquaintance for long. I'm afraid people will be repulsed by the craven defeatism in this post. This probably belongs in a journal. I just threw away bag full of writings and journals that I'd started around 2002. The thought of writing more in one now makes me feel kind of sick. At least here this is a small entry, which will be drowned out soon by more vital and interesting voices.
i had a crush on a 35 year old woman who was on my flyer route when i was 12. one time she came to the door in her bra and underwear and it changed my life forever. in my last year of high school her oldest daughter was my gf. i still wanted her mom more. 8 years later i was "intimately involved" for 6 months with her youngest daughter. good times.
i never got the woman i wanted the most though... by north american stereotypical standards both daughters were hotter but i didn't care.. the heart wants what the heart wants.
this post is another synopsis of Unrequited Love... this is her favourite song...
There's that cheesy "Chinese proverb" that I feel fits this situation perfectly: the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the second-best time is right now. You're 32 years old, you're not old by any standards. You have so much time you could invest into yourself and see positive results in weeks. Once you begin working on yourself, your self-esteem will improve because instead of throwing yourself a pity party and writing sad journal entries you'll be actually doing something to improve yourself. Arnold Schwarzenegger said something along the lines of "a man's body is a testament to who that man is, because you cannot steal it, you can't cheat to get it, you can't buy it," etc. It just takes discipline. Some people beg the heavens for motivation, when really what they need is more discipline. Discipline will set you in a pattern that will become easier and easier to follow with each passing week.
Also, getting involved with a 50+year-old woman as a 32-year-old is simply a bad investment. What's going to happen in 10 years when menopause has completely worked its course and you're now dating a frail old woman while you are entering the years when George Clooney and Johnny Depp were still heartthrobs? What are you going to do when she dies and you are only 60 years old? I know that the heart sometimes makes choices that don't make sense, but that is what we have a brain for. Use your head, not your other head.
You're right Jealous, on both counts. What would you recommend for self investments that would give positive results in weeks? Something like weight lifting? That's something I haven't tried before... I just do running and bodyweight exercises. When I wrote this blog I was making preparations to kill myself. While the intensity of that feeling has past for the moment, I still cannot see any happy future. Some goal would help towards the cultivation of more discipline...
On May 27 2016 03:42 Glowsphere wrote: You're right Jealous, on both counts. What would you recommend for self investments that would give positive results in weeks? Something like weight lifting? That's something I haven't tried before... I just do running and bodyweight exercises. When I wrote this blog I was making preparations to kill myself. While the intensity of that feeling has past for the moment, I still cannot see any happy future. Some goal would help towards the cultivation of more discipline...
Running and calisthenics is fine. I like calisthenics a lot. You can get results from that too. It's more important that you have a routine and you stick to it. There are plenty of resources out there for you to make one for yourself. You can definitely do weightlifting as well. The key is that you do something that is 1. Rewarding 2. You don't hate and therefore can commit to. Discipline doesn't necessarily mean you have to white-knuckle through something; it just means sticking to a schedule even when you don't feel like it.
There are plenty of options for self-development beyond the physical, although the results may be less tangible at first: reading and meditation are two that I enjoy. Thich Nhat Hanh has written a lot about meditation and mindfulness, something I feel could benefit you considering your mental state. I recommend "No Mud, No Lotus" to start. If you practice some of the things written in that book, I'm sure you will find something that helps you when you're in a mood like the one you were in when you wrote this.
You can also pick up a hobby, join a community, do community service. There are so many options out there. You'd do yourself a disservice if you kill yourself before you really try life to its fullest.
On that subject, it's cliche to say but suicide is never the answer. You are just moving your pain onto other people. No matter how shitty life is today, you still have tomorrow to make it better. Make the right choices, be kind and friendly, ask for help when you need it and seek to help others. If you spend every day being mindful and trying to improve your life, you will only trend upwards. Sure, setbacks will occur, but you look at them as lessons learned and struggles overcome. "Man is a pupil, and pain is his teacher." Think of it as you becoming stronger, not weak or defeated. Best of luck to you. If you need to chat to someone, shoot me a PM.
EDIT: Since you asked for a goal, I will try to help you although I really don't know you well enough to be specific:
1. Set yourself a schedule for physical activity and follow it with discipline. 2. Be mindful of others: try to smile, make eye contact. Try to help at least one person or make one person smile per day. Make conversation, listen intently, respond thoughtfully, compliment earnestly. 3. Try new things and give them a fair chance. 4. If you catch yourself wallowing in self-pity, think of something productive you can do instead and do it. 5. Don't commit suicide. Suicide is never the answer. Reach out. You'd be surprised how many people are willing to help. Most people who are not sociopaths actually enjoy helping others, because it is a rewarding experience.
On May 27 2016 03:42 Glowsphere wrote: You're right Jealous, on both counts. What would you recommend for self investments that would give positive results in weeks? Something like weight lifting? That's something I haven't tried before... I just do running and bodyweight exercises. When I wrote this blog I was making preparations to kill myself. While the intensity of that feeling has past for the moment, I still cannot see any happy future. Some goal would help towards the cultivation of more discipline...
Lifting weights is great. Have you struggled with social isolation and suicidal feelings your whole life?
I think it would be a good idea to find something social you can do, but you may not be in a state right now to expose yourself to others too much.
On May 27 2016 05:41 Jealous wrote: There are plenty of options for self-development beyond the physical, although the results may be less tangible at first: reading and meditation are two that I enjoy. Thich Nhat Hanh has written a lot about meditation and mindfulness, something I feel could benefit you considering your mental state. I recommend "No Mud, No Lotus" to start. If you practice some of the things written in that book, I'm sure you will find something that helps you when you're in a mood like the one you were in when you wrote this.
You can also pick up a hobby, join a community, do community service. There are so many options out there. You'd do yourself a disservice if you kill yourself before you really try life to its fullest.
On that subject, it's cliche to say but suicide is never the answer. You are just moving your pain onto other people. No matter how shitty life is today, you still have tomorrow to make it better. Make the right choices, be kind and friendly, ask for help when you need it and seek to help others. If you spend every day being mindful and trying to improve your life, you will only trend upwards. Sure, setbacks will occur, but you look at them as lessons learned and struggles overcome. "Man is a pupil, and pain is his teacher." Think of it as you becoming stronger, not weak or defeated. Best of luck to you. If you need to chat to someone, shoot me a PM.
EDIT: Since you asked for a goal, I will try to help you although I really don't know you well enough to be specific:
1. Set yourself a schedule for physical activity and follow it with discipline. 2. Be mindful of others: try to smile, make eye contact. Try to help at least one person or make one person smile per day. Make conversation, listen intently, respond thoughtfully, compliment earnestly. 3. Try new things and give them a fair chance. 4. If you catch yourself wallowing in self-pity, think of something productive you can do instead and do it. 5. Don't commit suicide. Suicide is never the answer. Reach out. You'd be surprised how many people are willing to help. Most people who are not sociopaths actually enjoy helping others, because it is a rewarding experience.
Thanks, I appreciate the advice and will try to follow it. Your post deserves more of an answer, but all I can say is I've read it carefully and will do so again when at a loss for what to do. Checking out that book and seeking something new to try will be starting places.
On May 27 2016 07:27 DoctorHelvetica wrote: Lifting weights is great. Have you struggled with social isolation and suicidal feelings your whole life?
I think it would be a good idea to find something social you can do, but you may not be in a state right now to expose yourself to others too much.
A good portion of it. I tried to kill myself at 18, and in the years since I can't say I'm very happy that I failed. Forcing something social is probably a necessity at this point. This acute desperation probably stemmed in part from being alone the past week since my Dad was on vacation. My only social interaction was with the woman in the OP, who I volunteer with twice a week.
On May 27 2016 07:27 DoctorHelvetica wrote: Lifting weights is great. Have you struggled with social isolation and suicidal feelings your whole life?
I think it would be a good idea to find something social you can do, but you may not be in a state right now to expose yourself to others too much.
A good portion of it. I tried to kill myself at 18, and in the years since I can't say I'm very happy that I failed. Forcing something social is probably a necessity at this point. This acute desperation probably stemmed in part from being alone the past week since my Dad was on vacation. My only social interaction was with the woman in the OP, who I volunteer with twice a week.
I don't think you should find it surprising that you've grown feelings for the only human being in your life over the past week and I'm guessing the only woman in a while?
We are social creatures. However, that does not mean that socialization is easy. It is something you either trained over years, consciously or unconsciously, or something that you failed at in a critical time and therefore were prevented from improving upon. Now knowing this, you should make a concerted effort into moving forward in this realm.
If it helps, think of it as a video game like Mario 64. When you fail a level, you spawn back at the start. When you beat a level, you move on to level 2. The parallel is that every conversation, every new person, is a new game. If you fail, you lose that game but that game has no bearing on your success or failure in the next except that you've gained experience and learned from mistakes. Another cliche saying that applies here is "the master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried." Be the master. Shelve your ego and conquer your fears and reach out to people with the best intentions and to the best of your ability. You will fail, but in failing you will learn and gain. Don't sweat the losses and cherish your victories.
Also, don't worry about the brief response. What's more important to me is that I was read and understood and that I did what I could, and that makes me happy as it is. Again, best of luck to you.
EPT
