It's good to be back. In reality I've never left. TL is still my homepage. I suppose I've been out for a lengthy excursion and finally returned to rant about things I believe to have substance. The excursion has been rewarding, let me tell you. My time away from here has consisted of a wealth of work, plenty of play, and just enough introspection and improvement to keep me headed in what I think is a good direction. Today is one of my off days, so we'll leave the work in the dust and delve into the latter two subjects.

- Healthy Dysphoria? -

Dysphoria (n.) - a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.

Initially my first gut instinct is to run from this word. Who wants to be dissatisfied? That's not pleasant. Dissatisfaction can lead to anger, guilt, pain, remorse, and a wealth of other feelings that are just generally unpleasant when you cope with them in the moment. How can dysphoria possibly be desirable?

Dysphoria is a necessary state of being before anyone can improve. Dissatisfaction needs to be a staple of a productive day. A moment of disgruntlement needs to happen once in a while to spur the bison of creative fury into a gallop. So I believe if my goal is to become better, I need to be unhappy with my current state.

The difficult part is the balance between allowing the thought "I'm really awful at this" to pass through my neurons and not letting it clog my mental superhighway. I guess my goal in creating a healthy mental traffic infrastructure is to make the lanes wide enough to allow that fucking 80,000 pound big rig of a thought that is "I suck" drive unobstructed and as fast as possible. A quick momentary moment of introspective self-admonishment to clear the way for a super-charged, 12-cylinder Ferrari to use the draft to speed towards ever-higher speeds.

Healthy Dysphoria
Yesterday it came to me in the form of an American Bison, today it is a mac-truck.

So I guess healthy dysphoria is that impossibly fast semi in my mind. Unobtainable and massive and grounded. I have to keep that monster on the highway and I have to make sure it doesn't jackknife and stop everything. Fuck. That's a difficult task to harness that beast, but it's what I'm trying to do.

- Play Time for Playful Earholes. -

Those eyes are just begging to be listened to, right?

+ Show Spoiler [Listen to "It Gets Better"] +

Seeing as it's been a long time since I've written, and seeing as I haven't been listening to brand-new albums for a while, I'll present one of my favorite new artists of the last few years. A great mix of female vocals, driving guitar, and evocative lyrics. I'm obsessed. Saw them about a year ago before their album had dropped and now all I can think about is when I can see them again live. I hope you enjoy.

Exhaustive Efforts
by p4NDemik

Please, I need you to listen.

I have tried a normal tenor.
I have tried a tempered whisper.
I have tried a warning bellow.
I have tried a gentle whimper.
I have tried an anxious candor.
I have tried a concrete model.
I have tried a modest essay.
I have tried a brittle metal.
I have tried a brilliant flame.
I have tried a darkened cellar.
I have tried to call your name.
I have tried to touch your collar.
I have tried a mountain.
I have tried a sea.
I have tried a river.
I have tried to flee.
I have tried light.
I have tried color.
I have tried love.
I have tried rancor.

I have tried.
I've tried.
I tried.
I try.
I-

I am at the point of no return.
You can still save my passion.
The final ember, it is waning low.
Please, I need you to listen.

Thank you for listening.

Heyoka

Katowice25012 Posts

March 02 2015 19:54 GMT

Nice to see an update from you, feels like its been ages.

Dalguno

United States2446 Posts

March 02 2015 20:10 GMT

I like to call it divine discontent. By nature we want to be better than we are right now and progress. As long as it's not discouraging, surely it's healthy. Enjoyable blog.

p4NDemik

United States13896 Posts

March 02 2015 20:22 GMT

On March 03 2015 04:54 Heyoka wrote:
Nice to see an update from you, feels like its been ages.

I recently got a lot of positive encouragement on my writing and have resolved to do it more often. So I'll be checking in more frequently here. How have you been? Are you just as active here as always? What's new?

dr0pship

Canada520 Posts

March 03 2015 04:24 GMT

so does your ego have like, its own gravitational field?

p4NDemik

United States13896 Posts

March 03 2015 05:15 GMT

On March 03 2015 13:24 9heart wrote:
so does your ego have like, its own gravitational field?

I ... don't know how to approach this question.

Supposing this concept were actually a thing, how can I feel my own gravity? This seems like a question that would require someone other than me to answer it.

The only thing is that I feel healthy. I feel I have a healthy ego and I hope that perception isn't one misguided by delusion of any kind. I would never consider myself the center of anything but I hope people feel somewhat drawn to me. I do have a certain amount of me that yearns for validation by my peers, or else I wouldn't share this stuff.

So the questions I have are: Did you feel anything in reading? Was it a good feeling? You have piqued my curiosity now!

GMarshal

United States22154 Posts

March 03 2015 08:25 GMT

p4NDemik! You live!

How are you?

Anyway, its cool to see you blogging again, I actually really enjoy your writing ^^

p4NDemik

United States13896 Posts

March 03 2015 15:52 GMT

On March 03 2015 17:25 GMarshal wrote:
p4NDemik! You live!

How are you?

Anyway, its cool to see you blogging again, I actually really enjoy your writing ^^

Thanks!

I'm great. I've been working two jobs for the last year and a half, dating, spending a lot of time going to concerts, traveling for those concerts, etc. I've reached a lull where work is slow and I'm organized and efficient enough to have time to come back here and read and write. I've been hovering around reddit from time to time because that website is just easy for me to read without getting invested. It was time to come back to my internet home though. Good to be here.

imJealous

United States1382 Posts

March 03 2015 18:32 GMT

Nice song!

Keep cruisin in that Ferrari!

firehand101

Australia3152 Posts

March 05 2015 04:56 GMT

#10

You could ALMOST say that it's like 'letting sadness help you' in a way...

Heyoka

Katowice25012 Posts

March 06 2015 19:20 GMT

#11

On March 03 2015 05:22 p4NDemik wrote:

Show nested quote +

Not much new! Doing my thing, being full of esports and such. Doing non-StarCraft stuff sometimes now, we have a Dota site and I work on that and the Liquid team has stuff like CSGO in it now. Exciting times!

I still remember that time we sat at MLG and were discussing the game when CatZ turned around and joined our conversation before either of us had met him.