Girl problem - need help. - Page 2

Gonna be brutally honest here because it sounds like you need a reality check. Here's the thing. Fuck your dad. He has nothing at all to do with your marriage and your boyfriend's decisions or your future.

If it's so important for you to be married now, why don't you propose?

Also, what is the rush to be married now? Who gives a shit if no one is going anywhere. It sounds like you are just injecting chaos or attempting to sabotage a relationship. Maybe the relationship has run it's course. That's fine. Move along. Don't fuck your life up by forcing a marriage that isn't meant to be. Maybe you can't accept that truth? Don't think of it as time invested, think of it as time wasted. Live and learn, not meant to be, and all those platitudes.

Couple of facts about men and marriage:

Firstly, marriage the younger you are has a higher chance of divorce in the western world.

There really isn't any point to marriage unless you are trying to have kids/start a family.

Settling down for a man is a huge deal. It's probably the biggest decision in a man's life. A man WILL NOT sign up for marriage unless he has all his shit in order. Financially secure, emotionally secure, job security, a home, etc. This is party because of the religious/cultural shame of divorce as well as the the lie to oneself if it's not for serious. And there is also the legal system's ridiculous rape of divorce/marriage and being weighted in favor of women.

Lastly, men in general have to work their natural drives out of their system. What I mean by this, is that men have an inherent drive for novelty &variety, which basically means sex/dating with many women. They do this for a couple of reasons. Testosterone drives it, the brains is wired for it, etc.

If a man feels like he still has opportunity or hasn't had a chance to play the field, that's a huge weight in the back of his mind. He literally cannot commit that seriously if he knows that he might act on that or wants that.

In a more positive note, you have to ask yourself then, well what's the purpose of marriage? The purpose is that marriage has some tax breaks for couples and families, as well as being healthier for relationships and satisfaction of life (aka happiness). So if not to make him happier, it's just stressing him.

TL;DR Push your chips all in or fold. it's on you, not him.

"In a marriage, there is no such thing as “separate happiness”. Every party’s contentment with the bond may be influenced by outside factors (family, career, hobbies, depression, etc.), but most actions will impact the trust and affection of the relationship in some manner. I understand you may feel it’s noble to cede to your wife’s wants, as if denying them was an affront to her agency and right to happiness. But if we accept the idea that both parties are responsible for balancing individual and group fulfillment, then she has an equal obligation to consider how her act would impact your wants and needs. Suppose this goes down, she has a great night, and she returns…but with lingering desire for something more with your neighbor? It would undoubtedly hurt the marriage, but also your relationship with the Marine. How honest, forthcoming, and witty could he be, knowing that he is driving a wedge between two people he cares about?

"However, I’d rather not focus on the dilemma in itself. Based on your wording, I feel like this is slight misdirection. If you were genuinely confused on the topic and didn't know how to approach it at all, this blog would be considerably shorter. Instead, you passively argue in favor of the cuckolding. You compare yourself to your neighbor’s physical grandiosity and find yourself wanting; you praise your wife in distinctly non-sexual terms but condone a possible decision rooted purely in lust; you talk about being wholly dedicated to your wife’s happiness, but fail to consider that any unhappiness on your part will affect the marriage indirectly. You offer no compelling argument in favor of the faithful opinion. It already sounds like you've made up your mind, so why ask TL netizens for advice when you’re not-so-subtly challenging them to defy your logic?"

she is a wonderful nurturer and caregiver for our future children

If you're so content with your wife being a whore then why are you even asking for opinions here?

It also sounds like you might be a closet bisexual because you talk about this other guy as if you wanted to sleep with him yourself.

I assure you a woman that wants to sleep around on her husband is pretty much the opposite of a good mother.

You should probably seek professional help from a licensed marriage therapist instead of using a video game forum on the internet.

largely agree with cosmicspiral. first, while this is new for you, if you decide to go with it, trends like this tend to not be a one time thing. she may only want to sleep with him once, but maybe a year or three down the road she'll meet someone else and get that same lust again. if you can find a way to be genuinely happy in letting her sleep with another man, then i dont think theres much to talk about. you should be careful about wanting to force yourself to be happy about it though because those are very much not the same things - and the latter will hurt at some point.

if its the former and you decide that you are ok with her sleeping with another man, you should consider bringing up the idea of reciprocity before it happens so she knows whats on the table. it sounds like you have done a lot of thinking about what will effect her happiness - i hope that shes putting just as much effort into how her actions will effect yours. if the idea of you being with someone else is unconscionable to her then maybe that will lead the conversation somewhere else.

She's gonna do it regardless of your permission so you've just got to decide whether you're cool with it or not.

First one being the one worded by Cosmic: "Suppose this goes down, she has a great night, and she returns…but with lingering desire for something more with your neighbor?". You don't want to take the risk of starting something between her and him. But that might just be my own insecurities talking.

Today I learned that going to Disneyland and having extramarital sex are the same thing.

To me and my fiance, sex is an intimate act where we open up to each other and fully trust each other. To do that with someone else is the worst betrayal possible. So, if my wife even said that, let alone actually did that, I may very well boot her ass out the door right there. It's not about insecurity, but what our relationship is about and the trust between each other.

On January 17 2015 01:41 Salazarz wrote:
Also, the argument for sexual attraction being a strong force that you can't just discard is quite frankly bullshit. People have attractions to all kinds of shitty things, alcohol, drugs, eating five kilos of candy daily, hitting their kids when they're angry, whatever. That's the difference between humans and animals though - just because you're 'attracted' to something doesn't mean you're going to do it; it's called self-control. Saying that this is natural and not something that can be controlled is pretty much same as saying rape is okay.

On January 17 2015 02:14 KING CHARLIE :D wrote:
I think you are looking at this through a lens that has been biased by tradition and social conventions since the day your cosmic feet hit terra firma.

I agree that her happiness is connected to my happiness. In fact, it is SO connected, that I am not willing to sentence her to a lifetime in an emotional cage so that I don't have to acknowledge that there are other guys out there that she feels like having sex with.

My question to you is: why should this negatively affect our relationship? If I was still doing my best impression of an ape, erecting a set of RULES for her to follow and blackmailing her with the relationship to follow them...or ELSE! Then I would definitely be affected.

But I realize that this guy has something I could NEVER give her. LIke I said in the OP, I'm NOT the handsome, ripped marine next door. I never will be. As long as she has that desire and truly believes acting on it will make her a happier person, that is a desire I can never fulfill. The question I have to answer is whether I should restrict her from potentially being a happier person simply so that I don't have to acknowledge my own shortcomings.

What I'm saying is: This wouldn't shatter my ego like it might shatter yours, from what I gather. In fact, if your self-worth is shattered because you have to accept the fact that you can't possibly fulfill EVERY SINGLE DESIRE your significant other has...then you are living in a dream world. You CAN'T be everything for everyone, all the time. And it's not your job to be.

Your job, at least what it sounds like you think your job is, is to try to justify the set of rules you put in place for the other person; the bars on this emotional cage. What I want from this relationship isn't affected by her doing what she truly thinks will make her happier, so why stop her?

On January 17 2015 03:47 KING CHARLIE :D wrote:


You didn't learn anything today. In fact, the opposite happened. You spend every second of your life digging in to what you already think you know. If you ever want to look at your thoughts honestly you will come back to the thread and re-read what I wrote.