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Hey guys, I usually get along just fine in relationships and never have a hard time arriving at what I think the correct decision is, but this time things are different. I need your help. Quick background on me as a frame of reference for any future advice you plan on giving: I am a 25 year old, straight male who is comfortable with himself. No serious health defects or history of abuse…(so self esteem is not the issue here)
Alright, onto my problem. My wife and I have been together for 8 years and I can honestly say that I love her deeply. Her happiness in all aspects of her life is one of the most important things to me in the entire world, and I am willing to do almost anything in the name of making her happy.
Anyway, I live in a condo complex. Our condo is in a close proximity to surrounding condos where other young, tax-paying productive citizens dwell. In one of these condos is a guy that seems a little older than me that is nothing short of spectacular in every visible way.
He is in the Marines. He served two tours of duty in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. He was such a highly decorated warrior that now the Marines have him training the FUTURE generations of savage warriors. This guy is a hero.
Couple this with the fact that his face looks like it was carved out of granite. He has cheekbones and a jawbone that make girls need waterproof panties. His abs look like they're fucking CGI'd onto his body. He walks around outside his condo shirtless…in the dead of winter. But what's even more impressive than all of this is that he is an awesome dude.
I've talked to him several times and he has never been anything short of cordial, smart and respectful.
I have a dog. Sometimes that dog needs to take a shit, and when he does, my wife takes him out and stands around waiting to collect the shit with the bag.
Sometimes, this Marine happens to be taking his dog out for a walk at the same time and starts talking to my wife. He makes her laugh, they talk about their jobs…they're friends.
Here's the problem: my wife approached me a few days ago and told me that she would love to have sex with him once. She would never want a relationship with him, but she would love to go across the parking lot, have one night of fun with him and never do it again.
My question to you people is:
Why shouldn't I let her?
I was thinking about it…I want her to be happy. My function in this relationship is not to fulfill every single fleeting desire my wife could possibly have…after all how could I? I am NEVER going to be the hot, battle-hardened warrior next door with six-packs and seven-inches. Simply based on my genetics… that is a desire of hers that I, myself, could NEVER fulfill.
Why should I restrict her from doing something that she thinks will make her happy? Why should I blackmail her with the relationship saying that if she goes and has sex with someone else, I will punish her by breaking up with her?
Even if someone was a complete stranger, I wouldn't want them to spend their life in some relegated, less-happy-than-they-could-be state of living. Why do I reserve this INCREDIBLE treatment for the person that I supposedly care about more than anyone else in the world? Why do we even want sexual and emotional exclusivity so bad? The longer I think about it, the more I realize that I have been locking my wife in a cage for our entire relationship, simply because I don't want to look at myself in the mirror honestly and acknowledge my own inadequacies.
I'm in this relationship for a LOT of reasons. My wife is a great problem solver, she is a wonderful nurturer and caregiver for our future children, she is a brilliant thinker and conversationalist, she is funny…My point is: NONE of these things change if she has sex with the guy next door! The only reason I would restrict her from doing it is because I am insecure. I am terrified that she is going to leave me and think that he makes her happier than I do. So to avoid this, I lock her in this emotional cage and force her to pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist so that I don't have to feel like I am anything less than perfect.
But, I'm not perfect. And let's say my worst nightmare comes to fruition. Let's say that she has sex with this guy and realizes that the warrior penis is what has been missing ALL HER LIFE and that she is happier with him. Well, if I truly care about her happiness as much as I say I do…wouldn't that be a great thing?
Thank you for your help in advance.
 
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Let her, watch it, film it.
Cuckold porn is very popular these days.
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Let her, watch it, film it.
Cuckold porn is very popular these days.
True, but unless if someone shows me how wrong I am about all this, then she wouldn't be cheating and I wouldn't be outraged. I would have to make my foray into acting, but I'm down.
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Do you get a free ticket for sex with another woman in return?
Seriously. That might make her think or twice, or at least open things up into something you'd be more comfortable with, although that's still a big deal obviously.
Edit: If she says yes that might not help. Almost no guy will say no to a one night stand, but many women will, so it'll probably be difficult for you to get a correspondingly hot babe. Asking the question might at least open up some dialogue on how she feels and what she wants though and how she might feel if she were in YOUR shoes.
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On January 16 2015 13:50 Fighter wrote:
Do you get a free ticket for sex with another woman in return?
Seriously. That might make her think or twice, or at least open things up into something you'd be more comfortable with, although that's still a big deal obviously.
Edit: If she says yes that might not help. Almost no guy will say no to a one night stand, but many women will, so it'll probably be difficult for you to get a correspondingly hot babe. Asking the question might at least open up some dialogue on how she feels and what she wants though and how she might feel if she were in YOUR shoes.
This.
Having sex with others is a difficult proposition. The first thing you need to talk about with her is, "What is our relationship about? What is monogamy to us and how important is it?"
To me and my fiance, sex is an intimate act where we open up to each other and fully trust each other. To do that with someone else is the worst betrayal possible. So, if my wife even said that, let alone actually did that, I may very well boot her ass out the door right there. It's not about insecurity, but what our relationship is about and the trust between each other.
That said, for some couples, it may not be a big deal, and that's totally fine. That's something you should talk about with her. However, you definitely need to ask the question I quoted; just put it straight with her and ask "So if you are going to sleep with him, I get to sleep with someone else, right?" If she 1) actually wants to sleep with this guy and 2) says that she doesn't want you to sleep with another woman, then she is being nothing but selfish and immature. If she's fine with you sleeping with another woman, then you guys get to talk about your relationship and what monogamy means to you. However, be aware that if you go that route, it will undoubtedly open up a whole can of worms. If she does it once, what's to stop her from doing it again? I find it pretty hard to imagine a couple becoming open and then going back to being monogamous. It'd be pretty difficult.
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It's only cheating if one does it without consent. A relationship is a two-way interaction, each one of you provides and receives value.. from what I read it seems to me you're lacking masculinity. It's as if you accepted your current state as your forever state, you will always be the same. Which is utter bullshit btw. You don't strive to become a stronger version of yourself, you have no path which is crucially linked to the masculine.
Your wife is attracted to that masculinity, this is the value the marine brings. The great thing about this you admit you're insecure and most likely needy. What you're actually doing is changing your role from masculine to feminine. You're reversing the roles. What happens when two magnets of the same force come close to each other? They repel.
Now before I get more into this, regardless if you're lesbian, gay, bisexual, straight or w/e EVERY sexual relationship needs to have two opposing forces, one masculine and one feminine. One ravager and one ravagee. If there is no polarity you're just playing with each other.
I learned this from, The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida
Cool thing about this is your problem is just a seed now and you have the opportunity to make great gains and become a stronger version of yourself, but if you let it this slide.. you're fucked. Only thing you have to do is take action, and all your worries, anxiety, etc are gone.
When you dominate your path, know where you're going, and know that it will happen. You'll have so much value that your woman (and other women) can't ignore it, she doesn't even think about other men because you're too awesome. Here's some examples.. JFK had a wife and mistress (Marilyn Monroe) Bill Clinton has a wife and had an affair, strange both their wives didn't divorce..
This is a man problem, not a girl problem.
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1001 YEARS KESPAJAIL22272 Posts
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Watch you say yes then the marine turns around and says no way you two are crazy! I would imagine it would be incredibly awkward for all parties involved if it went down. Plus you say this now but who knows how you will feel while its happening or after its done. *shrug* everyone has their own take on what a relationship is and there are people who prefer sexually open relationships. As was said before you two need to sit down and hash some things out first but its not exactly unheard of if you both decide its fine.
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United States15275 Posts
KING CHARLIE, your wife’s desire for another man is perfectly normal. The vector of sexual attraction is not something humans can consciously control at any specific point, although it is something we can gradually direct through processes of rationalization and association. Both men and women are affected equally, although there are more social regulations for women. If your account is true, it’s hard to see why she wouldn’t be aroused. Charming yet gracious and nonthreatening! A caretaker with clear empathy towards other living animals! Socially broadcasted norms of toughness and virility! Comfortable with his life and decisions! At the very least you recognize that there’s no moral corruption occurring here, no more than if you met Kate Upton and managed to hit it off.
However, I’d rather not focus on the dilemma in itself. Based on your wording, I feel like this is slight misdirection. If you were genuinely confused on the topic and didn't know how to approach it at all, this blog would be considerably shorter. Instead, you passively argue in favor of the cuckolding. You compare yourself to your neighbor’s physical grandiosity and find yourself wanting; you praise your wife in distinctly non-sexual terms but condone a possible decision rooted purely in lust; you talk about being wholly dedicated to your wife’s happiness, but fail to consider that any unhappiness on your part will affect the marriage indirectly. You offer no compelling argument in favor of the faithful opinion. It already sounds like you've made up your mind, so why ask TL netizens for advice when you’re not-so-subtly challenging them to defy your logic?
In a marriage, there is no such thing as “separate happiness”. Every party’s contentment with the bond may be influenced by outside factors (family, career, hobbies, depression, etc.), but most actions will impact the trust and affection of the relationship in some manner. I understand you may feel it’s noble to cede to your wife’s wants, as if denying them was an affront to her agency and right to happiness. But if we accept the idea that both parties are responsible for balancing individual and group fulfillment, then she has an equal obligation to consider how her act would impact your wants and needs. Suppose this goes down, she has a great night, and she returns…but with lingering desire for something more with your neighbor? It would undoubtedly hurt the marriage, but also your relationship with the Marine. How honest, forthcoming, and witty could he be, knowing that he is driving a wedge between two people he cares about?
The main issue is not your wife’s yearnings and whether it will impact your relationship in a negative way. It’s why you feel the path to true happiness (in this situation, although I suspect it crops up a lot more often than you let on) involves a one-sided sacrifice that doesn't account for your side of the story. There’s not nearly enough information to make a proper diagnosis, but you are exhibiting signs of codependency. That problem, and not this minor dalliance, might be the thing that ruins your future.
EDIT: 10k post, yadda yadda, pop balloons and stuff
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Just like that, as mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone.
He's the hero Girl Blogs deserve, but not the one it needs right now.
A Dark Swirl in the Heavens. A CosmicSpiral.
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United States996 Posts
largely agree with cosmicspiral. first, while this is new for you, if you decide to go with it, trends like this tend to not be a one time thing. she may only want to sleep with him once, but maybe a year or three down the road she'll meet someone else and get that same lust again. if you can find a way to be genuinely happy in letting her sleep with another man, then i dont think theres much to talk about. you should be careful about wanting to force yourself to be happy about it though because those are very much not the same things - and the latter will hurt at some point.
if its the former and you decide that you are ok with her sleeping with another man, you should consider bringing up the idea of reciprocity before it happens so she knows whats on the table. it sounds like you have done a lot of thinking about what will effect her happiness - i hope that shes putting just as much effort into how her actions will effect yours. if the idea of you being with someone else is unconscionable to her then maybe that will lead the conversation somewhere else. all that said, all relationships are different and if what makes you happy is letting your wife be with other people and you dont want to be with other people then thats fine too. just be honest with yourself, and each other, and dont try to force your feelings.
frankly, what you are proposing is emotionally incredibly difficult to go through and most people come out the other side worse for it so be careful. good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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She's gonna do it regardless of your permission so you've just got to decide whether you're cool with it or not.
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Austria24416 Posts
On January 16 2015 15:26 lichter wrote:![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/13AV1Ip.jpg)
Oh my god I died
I agree with his advice though.
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Is this for real? The situation seems so cliché I'm not sure what to think.
Anyway, I think it really says something about a person that she would even ask something like that without knowing beforehand your general feelings towards the subject...it meant she was willing to risk making you super mad over the suggestion (which many people would be), so I would be concerned about how much she values your feelings. You aren't super mad, but you did post a soul-searching blog about it which tends to indicate some degree of inner conflict and anxiety.
Also, it's a bit of an assumption about the other guy, the Marine. You haven't said if he would be ok with it, if your wife sort of forces herself on him that makes another injured party (maybe he's not attracted to her, he's gay, he's uncomfortable cuckolding you, he already has a girlfriend, etc.)
Personally, I think the whole "do it once then never again" is way easier said than done. Sex is a physically intimate act and it can trick the brain into thinking intimately towards the other. Even if she doesn't fall in love with him the first time, if she just physically enjoys it, why wouldn't she be tempted by the physical enjoyment again? And if she turns out not to enjoy it, she could start feeling seriously guilty (I was unfaithful to my husband and for what?)
Stuff like this is in my opinion only ok if you both first entered the relationship knowing you were comfortable with your partner sleeping around, and continued to feel that way. If she really desperately wants and needs to sleep with this guy, you might need to break up, as you apparently weren't meant to be a couple in the first place, let her go date/sleep with him. On the other hand, if you're a better overall fit together then stay together. Even if this other guy is so great, don't sell yourself short. After all, there must have been something special about you that got her to date and marry you. 
Also holy shit man way to make me feel inadequate for being around your age and not even having a serious partner atm, let alone being married/together for 8 fucking years...
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First, congrats CosmicSpiral for your 10k.
Onto to the topic now: I'm curious as to how she casually mentioned in a conversation that she'd like to have sex with another guy. I mean, I can only imagine one of the two following situations, which, in my opinion, influence greatly how you should respond.
First situation: she mentions it jokingly and casually, like:
You: "Have you seen the guy next door, shirtless in winter ?"
Her: "Yeah, he's so ribbed, I'd be curious to know what sex with a guy ribbed like that would be like... Anyway, how was your day sweetie ?"
...
In that case, she's doesn't actually want to have sex with the guy, and if you come back to her saying "It's OK, I give you permission to do it", she might actually take it the wrong way and get angry at you... There's a difference between saying you want something, and actually wanting it and accepting its consequences.
Second Situation: she talked about it seriously. To you. Now you might be a very open couple, but I'd say this is still kinda insensitive from her. I mean the guy might be better looking than you are, but she doesn't have to rub your nose in it... Anyway, in that case, I'd say ask her what she means by having a serious conversation to you about wanting to have sex with another guy. Is she really asking for your authorization ? Is this some kind of ploy to make you jealous (and pay more attention to her) ? What's her angle ? Because you don't start a serious conversation on this sensitive topic without some kind of motive behind...
TL;DR: before granting her/not granting her permission to do it, make sure that this was actually what she asking for.
Now regarding if you should give her permission or not, personnally I wouldn't. For several reasons. First one being the one worded by Cosmic: "Suppose this goes down, she has a great night, and she returns…but with lingering desire for something more with your neighbor?". You don't want to take the risk of starting something between her and him. But that might just be my own insecurities talking. Second reason I'd refuse would be that this is opening the door to a lot of potential future questions/problems. What if in 6 months from now, she meets another guy even more muscular/good looking, will she ask for your permission again ? And 6 months after that ? One step further, since you gave her your approval that first time, will she supposes that you're still OK with this and actually go and do it without even asking you ? I'm definitely not an "open couple" kind of guy, so yeah, that's my take on it: NO WAY.
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United States9922 Posts
i like the above posts about if you asked her the same question. if her answer is yes, it can be interpreted in many ways. one, she really doesnt care so much about the relationship so she'll let you do w.e. the fuck you want and you two will have a very shaky relationship, or more like a "friends with benefits". if she truly does care, then i dont have a real answer to this.
if she says no, though, then shes just being selfish. but i by the way you talk about her, maybe that isnt the case.
completely agree with yoshi btw. his analysis of if she does have sex with your consent and the after-thoughts are extremely accurate. she may continue to attempt to pull strings and bend the rules more and more. and after this time, you might even continue to say yes, and before you know it, shes become a full blown slut banging every masculine/attractive man she meets. its a risk if you say yes.
but also, is saying no really a bad thing? would she think badly of you if you said no. again, it might she that shes a selfish person that just wants her motives to be fulfilled. there are many outcomes that come out of this. the safest option is just to say no. worst case scenario if no, shes a little upset, but the relationship is still good. or she goes full apeshit and divorces you, in which case she wasnt worth it.
saying yes, the worst possibilities are either she continues to have sex with him behind your back, or she will continue to ask for your consent to sex with other guys, completely destroying and disintegrating your relationship.
good luck.
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United States996 Posts
i think its a good thing that she brought it up to you. assuming that she's an honest person and not being manipulative or shitty in any way, just because she wants to investigate having an open relationship doesnt mean she's being selfish or that shes a slut. some people feel like no one person can fulfill their needs sexually and in turn, dont want to be unhappy committing themselves physically to one person. that doesn't mean that a single person cant fulfill their emotional/social/life/love needs though.
obviously, this is something that you really should know about yourself before you get married - but to her credit you guys got married at ~17 and nobody really fully knows themselves sexually or otherwise at that age. im 28 and i look back and see a lot of differences in all parts of my life from 3 years ago, and 3 years ago before that. people change a lot from their late teens throughout their 20s.
you should probably sit down with your wife and have a talk about her (and your) sexuality and where she wants to go from there. if she does identify this way, then again you'll have to consider if you can be genuinely happy for her (and not force yourself to those feelings) and also about reciprocity (if thats something that is important for you). you cant help how someone feels and you cant be angry at her for it. again it really really sucks to come to this point after you are married but its so very unlikely that this would be a one time thing so you should both really figure out where you want your relationship to go from here.
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tell the guy and get him to tell your wife hes not interested
r o f l
wife got pwned
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51430 Posts
It like to know how she said it "i want to have sex with him" was she jokingly saying it, was she just making small talk. How random was it.
Was she drunk etcetc.
Because if she was just joking and then you come up with her to say go for it, go and try and get it on with him you get one night. She might take offense to it etc and then start questioning "why is he letting me do this, has he done it before" etcetc and then the trust is gone in your relationship and it is doomed to fail.
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Wow. I don't know you, or your wife, but that is one of the most disrespectful things I could imagine a wife doing to her husband. Doing it secretly would be more decent, imo. Leave her, imo.
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EPT
