Why do I get the feeling that this guy isn't actually asking for advice and instead just wants to show how "enlightened" he is, as if his "epiphany" is somehow new and will shower us with wisdom that will break us out of our cultural cages.
Listen, you didn't discover anything new here. If anything your wife got lucky as hell that you have this mindset (which sounds a bit like you want to be a matyr and die for her sins). You have to realize that you are throwing arguments at people giving you advice but you are failing to realize that everyone will have their own definitions of what a relationship is and that is OK. Whatever works for you works for you, people are just cautioning you about the obvious potential problems that this can cause. You shouldn't argue back as if you have discovered some true path to relationship happiness because its so variable as to how people achieve this.
From most peoples perspectives it seems like you are giving it all way from what you have presented here. As if your wants and needs are basically second to hers and if she makes a request then you have to 100% grant it. Reality check, its two way street and you keep saying "Oh I will be blackmailing her if I don't let her" but as was said before you can easily flip that and say that is exactly what she is doing. She has approached you about a topic that will make a fundamental change in the relationship from what it originally was and if you are uncomfortable with this then that is perfectly valid to say no and be guilt free because YOUR needs matter just as much as hers and if she can't respect that and fucks him anyways than she isn't a good partner.
That being said, you seem to be conceptually fine with it so then its all good. Like I said earlier, a relationship between two people can be pretty much anything and as long as both of you are on the same page then its all good. Just keep in mind some of the cautions that people have raised, because you wouldn't be the first person to introduce a new sexual dynamic into a relationship then regret it later.
just let her do it, seems like you can handle it emotionally and rationally there isn't really any reason not to. (assuming you can handle it emotionally. if you can't, then obviously that makes it rational not to.)
uhhh theres a reason marriage is between two individuals and not 3, 4, 5 or N. It's because its overly complicated and there will be conflict. The fact that you have to ask means you're not ready for something like this.
lmao i haven't posted in years but i had to sign in for this. bru, she's just shootin the shit. she doesn't actually want to have sex with him, if u don't believe me then ask her. If she wanted to actually fuck him she wouldn't have told you! This is how your conversation will go:
"hey, do you actually want to go fuck that dude?"
"lol wut"
edit: like i'm going back through these posts and im just like O.o and you've been together for 8 yrs, like why the fuk are u talking to us and not her lol. u know what they say, communication builds relationships
Dude I'm a married man, who's been faithful always... I'm 29, have a 3 year old son and I freakkin love my life.
To be honest I started reading this thread, and somewhere in the middle, couldn't take it and checked the cross box. I left the post specifically because I started imagining what the same may do to me. And I came back later, because I respected the fact that you put this out on the TL forum, and I myself in your shoes would NEED advice at a strange point like this.
Please don't sell yourself short, or think or yourself lesser than anyone else in the world. I know you only speak about the physical attributes about the guy, but then there are somethings equally if not more important than the other. It may be an option to go out there, join a gym and one day not too far away you can be the kind of guy your wife craves also. Very possible... please watch this... (a weight training program I'm currently following)
Or just for take a little time to see the body transformations at bodybuilding.com. Its another community that I'm a part of and is very legit. Go ask the same question on that forum and just see how much motivation they can give you. I'm not saying its easy, but nothing in this world worth anything is.
I don't think she's only looking for your permission to carry out this sexual desire of hers, I think that somewhere inside of her she's also doubting this being a good idea. I know some people are okay with open relationships, but If you were fine with this arrangement in any way you wouldn't be discussing this on TL anyways.
Just my humble opinion. Don't do it. The kind of person I'm seeing you to be is not open to these kind of relationships, and you're too caring to care about yourself right now, and may even allow this to open doors for more of the same later in life. Not a good idea, not a healthy marriage.
nyone bother to ask the marine for his opinion? Does he even want to plow your wife? Maybe he is gay and more interested in you..
Anyway if she would be my wife I would tell her that if she wants some excitement she can take her ass to the movies. Loyalty is extremely important to me and I would never be able to accept my wife or gf to get some strange.
I get your point though. True love is selfless right? Still I would say that setting boundaries is ok. If she doesn't wsnt you to grt high on crack in the living room (just a guess) you can also ask of her to control those urges. I mean seriously would it make her life really that much better to indulge on those kinds of wims?
What's next? "I really want to have a baby from the marine?" He could give her something you couldn't ever, and surely you don't want to lock her up in her own marriage now, do you? Or maybe she wants go visit her parents with him, instead of you. She would be much happier to show her parents what a nice guy she's with all the time. Boy, isn't she lucky to have such an openminded and understanding husband..
well, its a tough question difficult to answer; you have to consider some factors;
- whats the status of your relationship right now; are you two arguing frequently and such - do you feel you're insecure? is she bothered by something with you lately or something - after 8 years, do you two still maintain a healthy sex life like when you started the relationship (not as in frequency, but is it still exhilarating or did it end up being a routine - if the latter, find out why, you might want to fix that) - if she does this, will you feel pressured? mentally speaking - will you accept it or will you end up not being able to sleep for weeks out of fear of losing her and such. - would she accept knowing you do the same with another woman? definitely ask her this - the thought of that might scare her, or you two might end up spicing things up frequently, haha
whatever you do, be very careful how you handle this. dont let your wife believe youre narrowminded or something (dont react violently to her suggestion), but also dont give the impression that you're desperately trying to salvage your marriage, she wont like that either. She wants to feel a strong person near her, so this is a good chance to prove you are that.
although its a difficult question that your wife asks, its a good opportunity for you, that you can greatly turn around to your advantage, to actually strengthen your relationship (if thats what you aim for).
How do you expect a random internet forum to answer the question of if you'll be ok with a (semi) open marriage? You have to answer that yourself. You seem sure of being ok with it. So think it over again and make a choice. If you can't see the difference between sex and Disneyland then I think you have some thinking to do. If you really need someone to spell out the meaning of sex in a relationship then I'm sure someone will bite, but I think you can probably find better advice elsewhere.
There is no objective morality that makes either choice wrong. People on this forum self-reflect and opine based on how they'd react, or imagine how they'd react. No one knows you well enough to inform you as to how you'd take it.
On January 17 2015 03:34 KING CHARLIE :D wrote: + Show Spoiler +
largely agree with cosmicspiral. first, while this is new for you, if you decide to go with it, trends like this tend to not be a one time thing. she may only want to sleep with him once, but maybe a year or three down the road she'll meet someone else and get that same lust again. if you can find a way to be genuinely happy in letting her sleep with another man, then i dont think theres much to talk about. you should be careful about wanting to force yourself to be happy about it though because those are very much not the same things - and the latter will hurt at some point.
So what? I love her. I want her to be as happy as possible. Let's say she finds out a year from now that there is an emotional void that she truly thinks will be filled by being with someone else. Why wouldn't I want her to have that better life? Why would I want her to live a second-rate existence with me when she can be happier with someone else?
My decisions in a relationship shouldn't be about KEEPING IT GOING at all costs. If she will be happier with someone else, why should that bother me? I'm an advocate of honesty. Whether she acts on these desires or not, she still has an emotional void in need of filling. I would much rather it comes out now in this way than it manifesting itself somehow 20 years from now. Ultimately, maybe we just aren't compatible. And if we aren't...WHY WOULD I WANT TO WASTE TIME AND STAY WITH HER?
if its the former and you decide that you are ok with her sleeping with another man, you should consider bringing up the idea of reciprocity before it happens so she knows whats on the table. it sounds like you have done a lot of thinking about what will effect her happiness - i hope that shes putting just as much effort into how her actions will effect yours. if the idea of you being with someone else is unconscionable to her then maybe that will lead the conversation somewhere else.
I'm not doing this just so that I can get something out of it down the line. This isn't some sort of twisted bargain. I don't let her do the things she does simply because I get to do the same thing at some future date...In fact, I'd like to remove that "let her do things" from my vocabulary all together. Who am I to "let" her do anything? She isn't my property.
By the way, it's fascinating that we don't restrict our significant others from doing CERTAIN things. We don't restrict them from going to Disneyland...or eating ice cream...or going to the mall with their friends...or anything like that. No...there is this very specific set of behaviors that we have RULES for them to follow.
My point is, going to Disneyland makes my wife happy. I don't restrict her from going. I don't say that she can go...BUT ONLY if I can go six months from now. No, I want her to be happy, so why wouldn't I let her go?
i didnt say you had to - just something to think about. obviously, if this is something that will make both of you happy, and it not happening will make both of you unhappy then it should be pretty easy to figure out what to do. i know a few couples who have gone for it and it ruined their relationship, and i know fewer couples still that went for it and are much happier. the reason arrangements like these are uncommon is because they are emotionally incredibly trying. but if you are sure you can handle it then obvo just got for it and gl
No way I'd be able to handle it emotionally with my wife, but we are not you guys. It does seem like something that she would want to do though considering you guys have been together since you were...17 or longer? Have you two had sex with other people? Maybe it's just one of those things where she is just interested in something that isn't the same old?
First of all, I agree with hoot00's graphs, in your particular case. That said, it sounds like you're serious in even considering the question.
How far are you willing to take this? How far are you willing to allow her questionable behavior to do what you think will make her a happier person? If Marine enters the relationship full time after she sexes him, if she hasn't already, are you ok with him being a fulltime member of the marriage? Is it ok if he gets afternoons and you get evenings, is it ok if he has a girlfriend that he wants to bring your wife in with for a threesome? Does your wife have to keep him happy? If his father visits and wants to sex your wife, do you let him if it will make the Marine happy? (Because keeping the Marine happy would make your wife happy.)
Morals, as I understand them, exist to further the happiness and wellbeing of the populace. This particular subject is not a moral debate, but a judgement on your part as what you think is the best option to increase the happiness and wellbeing of the populace. One could argue that monogamy is immoral. One could also argue that polygamy is immoral. That doesn't really matter here, because it's largely subjective, aside from possible health complications.
Would it make you happy to allow her to do everything she wants to do to fulfill her sexual desires? What if she wanted you to jump off a bridge, just once, because she happens to secretly be a sadist and wants to see you suffer as much as possible, because that makes her happy? Would you do it?
In life, you should seek to reduce personal suffering, so that you are in a better position to help others reduce their own suffering. Not before. There is one important caveat, which I will call the "Lorem ipsum" caveat, but for that I point you to the translation of the popular website placeholder text. Lorem ipsum (guide to personal suffering)
EPT
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