EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/iNOCJaN.jpg)
If you own a copy of this game, burn it
Tactics II is a turn-based "strategy" wargame (not for your computer; it's a board game) intended to simulate a modern-style conventional war between two opposing nations, Red and Blue. However, this is in a dystopian age long after Red and Blue stopped using pokemon to battle each other, and used a massively inefficient military machine to fight. The game includes special rules for seasonal changes, fuckin' useless amphibious drops, nuclear weapons, airborne drops, and of course, the terrain.
Rules:
- Rule #1: Fuck you.
- The objective is to occupy at least one square of each enemy city without them occupying any squares of their own cities, or just kill their whole army, whichever comes first.
- You may move all your pieces in the same turn, just make sure you don't look away, or your opponent might move one of his pieces an extra square further.
- The almighty dice will decide your fate, and it has no mercy.
Those are all the rules. The game is based entirely on luck. There is a crazy defender's advantage designed by radioactive cock-sucking dolphins which makes it suicidal to initiate any kind of attack without praying desperately to the dice gods that you will roll a six. And trust me, you will not roll a six. You will roll a fucking one every time and your stuff will fucking die in a hole. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. Don't forget rule numero uno. The defender's advantage works thusly: if you move one of your pieces (a "division") next to your opponent's piece(s), they engage in mortal kombat. In a one-on-one situation, the attacker has a disadvantage where he/she must roll a six, because anything else will result in failure or both pieces dying. And here's where the game gets infuriating: in a two-on-one situation, the odds are "even", so if you roll a one, you lose both pieces.
You can check out how this fucked-up system works here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Combat_results_table
Now, read that table, and just imagine it reversed, so instead of DE as the result, you have AE. So the odds ratio dictates that attacking is suicide and that you should never, ever do it, ever. This son-of-a-bitch system ensures that no matter how clever you are, all your plans are for naught. I'm pretty sure this game was designed to teach kids that if there were ever a war between the US and Russia, EVERYONE FUCKING DIES. Indeed, in the end-game, you will certainly lose 90% of your army, and the red player will turtle hard. The red player has no honor, and whoever willingly picks red, and then turtles on that fucking island deserves nothing less than to get Malaria. The island is connected to the mainland by bridges, which incidentally, increase your defender's advantage. If you attack units across a river, increased defender advantage. If you attack them in the woods, increased defender advantage. Pretty much everything increases defender advantage.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Q6aDpqm.jpg)
What is this bullshit? Why is this battlefield covered in pubic hair?
So let's talk strategy. I know this game is called "tactics 2", but there are no actual tactics involved. How do you win? Well, first, the mountains are impassible except by your two divisions of alpine troops. The woods are basically impassible as well. So first, block the chokes on the right and left sides of the map. Good, now your opponent's army must pass through the middle of the map to get to you. Or they can use their amphibious units, capture a city with a port, and start ferrying units over onto your side. If this happens, just let it happen, nobody cares. It's not like they can actually do anything with it. Next, mass your whole army in the center of the map, and just sit there. You don't have to even move your units during your turn. Just declare your turn to be over. Wait for your opponent to freak out and try and attack you. Then laugh as he dies.
Now imagine you're an innocent but really geeky 11-year-old girl who loves strategy games, and you get this piece of shit. This game will crush you. You thought Protoss was too ridiculous in SC2? You thought Hearthstone was pay-to-win? You thought Teemo was obnoxious? You poor, spoiled little
In conclusion: Avalon Hill released Tactics II in the 1950s as a way to hurt people and destroy lives under the guise of an "Educational strategy boardgame". However, due to the weaknesses in the game's design, Avalon Hill tried to justify themselves by saying the game was an "introductory wargame" and was made to be very simple on purpose, but I say it's all a freemason conspiracy. Therefore, when rating this title, I award this game no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
